January 4, 2021 • 38 mins
Happy New Year. It is 2021, we made it. Hallelujah. 🙌 -- We’re kicking it off, with our first ever episode of 2021! While many of us are thinking about New Year resolutions (and already flinching at failing them!) Zuri shares how choosing a ‘word’ of the year could be the ideal way to frame our intentions, to show up as your best self for your AND your relationships.
Next up Z chats with relationship expert, Dr. Jenn Hardy, who gives us some really great advice on high pressure or toxic resolutions, having the boundaries convo with a loved one, finding a sense of balance and control to protect yo’ peace, and how to handle it in the event that we fail at our resolutions because let's be honest, it’s gonna happen! And the achievement is all in how we adjust and adapt to obstacles. Make sure you stay ‘til the end for our first Giveaway of 2021 + this week’s ‘Party Trick’: 3 Things to Remember as We Take on 2021.
Notes:
Dr. Jenn Hardy is a licensed psychologist with a private practice in Maryville, Tennessee. She has specialized training in psychodynamic and feminist therapy, attachment theory, and career-related issues. She writes on Instagram about relationships, career issues, resilience, self-compassion, and whatever else is on her mind. You can access her e-courses, sign up for a free newsletter, and find links to media interviews like this one at:
www.drjennhardy.com | Instagram | Facebook | E-Courses
The Giveaway ends Sun Jan 24, 2021, @ 11:59p ET
Read the Shownotes for the full list of resources + links from today’s episode.
Follow @ZuriHall and @HotHappyMess on Instagram to keep the good vibes going.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Hot Happy Mess. Celebrate your magic in the middle of
life's messes. Hi Happy. I'm Zurie Hall and this is Hot,
Happy Mess. Happy New Year, Happy New Year, y'all, it
is one. We made it. Hallelujah. I am your sister
(00:32):
in sound what You're equally exhausted but extremely optimistic fellow
twenty one Life Conference attendee. There are name tags and
sharpie's at the door. Thank you. Also, I'm your host,
Zuri Hall, of this year Hot Happy Mess, and I'm
super excited to be kicking off our first ever episode
(00:52):
of twenty one. This is going to be a short
and sweet one, Okay, so you can get back to
nursing your New Year's Eve hangover or your twenty twenty hangover,
let's be honest, probably both. And if you're wondering how
I am kicking off the New year today, well, I'm
currently in a leopard print fleece onesie that I got
(01:14):
a few years ago on discount at Target. It has
a hood, so that's a plus. And um, I'm just
planning a polish off this warm flat champagne out of
a bottle that I for got to put back in
the fridge last night and probably shower big wins over here, guys,
let's go okay, So in today's episode, I am going
(01:35):
to try to convince you to pick a word for
this year instead of a resolution, and then I'm going
to talk with a therapist about how to make a
good resolution. Since you ain't gonna listen to me anyway.
Dr Jen Hardy is in the building. She is so
chill and so down to earth. She gave us some
really great advice on high pressure or toxic resolutions, how
we can reframe our goals and how to handle it
(01:58):
if we fail at them, because let's be honest, we
probably will at some point kind of stumble. And since
most of us felt so out of control and in
fight or flight mode, especially through She's going to talk
with us about some ways that we can find a
sense of balance and control infuse our lives with a
little bit more peace, even if it's just in our space,
(02:20):
in our home space. Um. Also, this is a good one, y'all.
Stay tuned. We're talking about how to start the potentially
awkward but very necessary we need new boundaries conversation with
somewhere you care about. Maybe this year is the year
that you finally want to get somebody together and have
him come at you, the opposite of Crazy Jen's Got You. Okay,
(02:41):
Dr Jen Hardy has Got You and this week's party
trick three tips to successfully take on And because one
of my love languages is giving and receiving gifts and
I love you so very much, I'm giving away another
one dollar Amazon gift card to stay tuned until the
end of this episode if you want to win. Cool cool,
(03:03):
all right. So that's am alright totally still that title
from the new Netflix show which I highly recommend you watch.
It's a comedy special. I I don't know when it
came out, clearly not two long ago. They had to
wait for be Over to air it. Um. But it's
really good. It's produced by the same producers of Black Mirror,
(03:24):
and so it's dark humor. It's kind of like a
mockumentary if you will, and I mean it's star study.
They've got Samuel L. Jackson and they're playing another character.
They've got Hugh Grant playing like some low key racist,
old white guy historian. They've got so many people and
it's really well done. And I also think they do
a really good job of making fun of both sides
(03:46):
of what was a very divisive year. So no one
is spared, no one comes out unscathed. But it's really funny,
so I highly recommend it. You should check it out.
That's on Netflix. I am not person only super big
into resolutions, y'all. Like in the last few years especially,
I'm like, I've been around the block just long enough
(04:09):
to know that I'm probably not going to pull this
off successfully and I don't really feel like feeling like
crap four months from now when I fail at this.
So and because you know, so many of us are
always go, go go anyway, and we have, um, you know,
ambitions and goals any time of the year, I'm just like,
the last thing I need is an extra thing on
(04:29):
top of all the things that I'm already going to
be trying to do for myself and the people in
my life. UM So, I've started doing the word thing, right,
I'm sure you've seen that on Instagram and all the
different social media platforms. Everybody's picking a word, but I
really like it. My word for was consistency, and it
was spawned on by the fact that I wanted to
get healthier. Right, so I post it. You can go
(04:50):
to my Instagram at Zeri Hall and you'll see this
photo if you scroll deep enough, if you activate your
inner lurker, we've all got her in there. And I
was talking about looking healthy is one thing, but feeling
healthy is something else, entirely different, and spoiler alert, I
don't feel it, or at least I didn't at that time.
I mean, I eat hot cheetos, fried everything pasta with
(05:12):
extra parmesan weekly, sometimes towards a week, and Lord knows,
I love my wine. But last year I cut out
alcohol for all of January. Can you believe it? I
still can't believe that happened last year, and I actually
did it. My body was like randomly craving way more
salad at the start of last year, kale salad. And
(05:32):
that's how I knew. It was like an S O
S signal, Like my body was like, try as one
more time, you got one more time, one more year
to act up, Like this little metabolism of yours is
just gonna get you through everything, No, ma'am. So I
tried to get my life together. My natural builds simply
is what it is. Like. I got the luck of
(05:52):
the draw with that one, but the older I get
the more I know how important it is to focus
on the insides. I didn't want to wake up anymore
and be groggy, which I often could be, and get
winded walking up a flight upstairs. But I do. I'm
getting on a bit of a tangent. But the reason
that I really like the idea of one word is
because it can guide all of the choices that I
(06:15):
am going to make through the years. So whether it's
fitness related, career centered, or even if it's just about
showing up as my best self and my friendships and
my relationships. My goal was to work on consistency, and
I honestly did that really well for the first few months.
As words and resolutions tend to go, then things got weird.
Global pandemic, what's up? Um? But I really liked that
(06:38):
because it's easy to remember it, you know, it's not
putting some crazy markers like I have to drink two
gallons of water by the end of each day. Also,
is that too much water for a human body per day?
I don't know, because I don't drink enough. Still, whether
it's consistency with like getting back to people in a
in a timely fashioned even my group chats, like consistency
(06:59):
with responding to text messages and emails. Just consistency for
the things that I want to show up for. I'm
not saying just consistently be available and all over the
place to everyone. I'm just saying for me, because one
thing that I've learned through personal self reflection is I
am a high achieving, highly productive person, and I have
been since like primary school. But I can be kind
(07:22):
of scattered and like a little bit sporadic in my methods,
which means I might be productive, but I'm not as
efficient as I could be. So consistency for me was
about increasing my efficiency, which gave me more time to
do other things, things that I loved because I wasn't
just so scattered. And I still I gotta work on that.
(07:43):
I'm still working on that. That is my challenge for
all of you. That's what I'm gonna do again this year.
I would love to know what your one word is.
Clearly everything went out of the window by March of
so you want to know what my word is, I'm
picking the same damn word. How's that for consistency? Yep,
(08:05):
we're taking this into y'all. So consistency is my word
for one. I'm gonna try to keep that theme going,
especially now with the podcast I gotta upload every Monday.
So thank you all. You are the great consistency of
my life. Right now, okay, it is go time, So
without further ado, Dr Jen Hardy is a licensed psychologist
(08:27):
with a private practice in Maryville, Tennessee. She has specialized
training and psychodynamic and feminist therapy, attachment theory, which I love.
Oh my gosh, I'm obsessed with attachment theory. We're gonna
talk about it on the show, um in future episodes,
and career related issues. She writes on Instagram about relationships, career, resilience,
self compassion, and whatever else is on her mind. And
(08:49):
fun fact, you guys, I also learned that Jen, not
unlike myself, is originally from the Buckeye State. Oh age, baby,
gotta love it. Here we go. This is Jen Jen Hardy.
Dr Jen Hardy is extremely funny. She told me already
that she you only make who call you Dr Hardy?
Um assholes and insurance companies, oh and insurance companies that'll
(09:15):
do it. Okay, So I've made. I've made in the
promise that I'll be on my best behavior. So that
I can keep the privilege of calling her Jen. But
if by the end of this interview you decide I'm
an asshole Weeken, we can switch to n switch over.
I think you'll be fine. Okay, all right, I appreciate
the faith you have in me. Um. I feel seen.
So we're heading into a new year one obviously, so
(09:35):
many of us are ready to kind of just close
this chapter and start fresh, which is a common theme
for New Year's but this one feels a little different. Um,
as we sort of kick off this discussion on resolutions
and sometimes the pressure that comes with him. I want
to know what your perspective is on on resolutions in general.
You know, I'm not a super big fan of New
(09:57):
Year's resolutions because we have to consider timing, right, and
maybe especially this year, the middle of winter, in the
middle of a pandemic that seems like it's been stretching
on for like five years, maybe now is not the
time for some like deep investment on radical change. Maybe
(10:19):
you're exhausted in terms of resolutions. I just you know,
you've got to feel out where you're at, and if
you feel ready for it and really want to do it,
go for it. And if you don't, you have my
permission and everyone else's to skip it this year. Thank you,
I will be taking that permission. I haven't thought about
a resolution, i haven't thought about a thing I want
(10:39):
to do. I'm just happy to make it to the
new year and be intact, you know, Like I think
that's what this year was for me, was just realizing
the small winds, the waking up and doing another day
and getting through it, you know, and trying to find
little bits of joy. That that's the biggest win of
all after a year like this. So I love hearing
you say that we can take the pressure off of ourselves. Yeah,
(11:02):
and we don't have to find silver lining. So please
don't see this as a silver lining, because this has
been a really hard year. I think, though, that there
is meaning that we can make from these heart experiences,
and I think that a lot of us are leaving
this year with a whole different perspective on how much
we really have control over and the need to adapt
(11:26):
and to honor where we're really at right because, um January,
one of we had no idea what was coming our way, right,
even though we all thought we did, We all had
twenty twenty vision, right, futures never looked so bright coming
in crystal clear. I did not see this coming gen Yeah,
I didn't either. I didn't either, And um, I will
(11:47):
say though, I had a pandemic proof resolution, and I
stuck by my resolution. Wait what was the resolution? It
literally was to eat more barbecue? Oh my gosh. See, Okay,
if I didn't love you before, I definitely love you now.
I also love that the resolution is just something that
(12:09):
is so awesome, Like, who would fight that one? I don't.
I don't think I've ever thought about resolving to just
do a thing that just tastes good, feels good. I
just like it. It's always something that kind of feels
like a punishment. Yeah. Yeah, And so what if instead
of taking away, what if we think of adding? What
I like about that resolution is what if you just
pick a fun one? Right? And so I was able
(12:31):
to stick to it and adapt because I didn't say
I must have this much this, I must have it
every week. Well, you know I'm going to fail at
that if I just say, what if? What if I
just have more than what I have for Yeah, then
there's a lot of flexibility and whiggle room, Right, I
love that. I love that you know what you've inspired me.
I wasn't going to make any resolution solutions truly this
(12:53):
upcoming year. I will make a fun one. I will
give that gift to myself, that permission to do a
thing a little bit more that makes me happy or
maybe that I haven't tried, but thank my so thank
you for that. Yeah. Yeah, And I think the other
best types of resolutions are the ones that are really
grounded in our values, where we say, what is something
(13:15):
that is important to me that I don't have enough
of right now? And how can I go about crafting
that into my life more intentionally? Right? And we can
stick to those because we really wholeheartedly believe in them.
And so instead of saying I am broken and I
must change myself and fix myself, what if I say, like,
I am enough and what do I want to have
(13:36):
more of in my life? Right? Right? Um? I love
that you bring that up because we've we've talked quite
a bit on the podcast about core values and how
once we kind of figure out what they are for us,
it becomes much easier to walk away from things that
don't really align with us. It becomes much easier to
realize why we're having negative emotions or our alarm systems
are going off. Oh, this doesn't align with my values,
(13:58):
and so that's why I'm kind of hitting a dead
end here or a brick wall when it comes to
keeping a resolution. You've given us some really great tips
on how to set them. Maybe the frame of mind
with which to approach this stuff, like what would you
say to people who might be a little harder on themselves?
A lot of the women and men, but the people
who listen to this podcast are extremely ambitious people. Um,
(14:21):
what groundwork should we lay? What should we keep in
mind as we move forward through the year? Should we
set a resolution? Yeah? I have a couple of thoughts
on this. One is because I am also hardworking, ambitious person, right,
And I've learned had to learn the most successful people
are the ones who adapt. And my overarching principle when
(14:47):
I'm trying to be persistent toward a goal is saying,
you've got to adapt to what the situation gives you, right.
Or I'll say, like, play the cards in your hand,
don't play the cards you thought you were going to get,
Don't play the thought the cards you wanted, play the
ones you've got and play them, play the hell out
of them. And so if that means you have to
(15:08):
put a pause on that career goal, that might actually
be the best idea. I think of all the people
who were planning on going back to school and they
really wanted to go, and maybe some of them did
and they like it, and maybe some of them said,
you know what, I don't learn best online, I'm going
to have to pause that goal. To me, Um, neither
of those are a failure. The failure would be I
(15:30):
know I can't do it that way, but I'm going
to force myself to do it that way, right. So
that's it's all about adapting, right. And then the other
piece is we have these narratives that we tell about ourselves, right,
and you need to be really honest with yourself about
the ways that your goals are encouraging you to replay
(15:52):
the narrative if you so. Like, there's this sky that
I really only know through Instagram, and I know what's
going to um on New Year's Day. He is going
to have a list a mile long of all the
changes he's going to have to make. I'm thinking, man,
he's a smart guy. He's gotta and we can't get
it all done. And I'm thinking, what is that narrative there? Like,
(16:15):
is he used to telling himself that he's a funk
up and so he's setting it up to fail so
then he can say, here I go again. Wow. So
I encourage you to just be like really honest with yourself.
We are not babies. We have lived in this world
long enough that we know ourselves, we know our hard spots,
(16:37):
and we've got to look at these resolutions and say,
am I re enacting that so I can tell that
same story again? I feel like personally attacked in the
best way right now, because that, honestly, that is wow.
I'm gonna have to sit with that after this, truly
and reflect on the ways that maybe I set myself
(16:58):
up to just repeat stories that I've told myself. And
I might, you know, make these public declarations or say
these things under the guise of new year, knew me
or better Z or best life blah blah blah. But
the truth is, am I setting myself up for a
hesitated to say failure, but for repetition of patterns that
(17:20):
really I know never ending good feelings? Yeah? And I
get how you'll read advice that says, you know, name
it out loud, let other people hold yourself, hold you accountable. Yeah,
And I'm like, I don't know. That might work for
some people, but for other people, they may find themselves
than feeling like, Okay, I'm painted in a corner. The
(17:41):
best thing I could do is adapt and change course.
But now I'm going to have to explain myself to
all of these other people. And what are they saying
behind my back? Right when stories are they telling about me?
I mean, we've talked about social media on the podcast,
the relationship and dynamic we have with it. Well, it
can be a good opportunity for accountability if it's a
(18:03):
safe space that you've created online in whatever that digital spaces,
it also creates a lot of pressure, and sometimes it's
self imposed. We set ourselves up for that. I have
done that. I started. My one resolution was I was
going to run a mile every morning, and I got
my Instagram photo on the treadmill Jon and I was
(18:25):
My caption was just like, who, let's do this consistency
three weeks in. Four weeks in, I was like, I
gotta go to the gram and tell everyone, Like I
felt like I had to confess that I was not.
I just wasn't doing it the way I hoped, And
I kind of felt a little bit like, you know,
wamp wamp totally totally felt that one kind of wish
(18:45):
that I hadn't run it up, because Yeah, now there
is this not even accountability in a way that you want.
It's kind of like this expectation that you've set yourself
up for, these great expectations for this online world that
you're you know, engaging with it because it doesn't need
to be a big deal, right, but when we start
putting out in these public spaces, we know of that's
(19:09):
how what that person is going to say about me,
or that's why they're going to react about me, and
and I see all the means. Let's say it doesn't
really matter what people think. Um, you are a social creature.
You are allowed to care what other people think of you,
and you are then allowed to honor that. You may
want to keep some things private because you it's enough
for you to deal with it, let alone dealing with
(19:31):
other people figuring it out. Right. Yeah, that's a really
good point. I never would have tried to do something
every single day because I would have been like there's
no way I can be that consistent at anything. I
can't even feed myself every morning consistently. I'm so on
the go. I'm like the last thing I need to do,
but I'm going to run them out. I will say
(19:52):
for the listeners, I've gotten back on it. I've ran twice,
so no big deal. I don't want to talk about it.
Kind of killing the game twice in the last months,
but twice. So there's been a pandemic. You know you're
been sort of busy with stuff. Yeah, that's been the
one good thing. If there is a silverlying, which I
know we don't have to find pre your point, Um,
(20:15):
I just get to blame everything on the pandemic. Anything
anything I wouldn't have done anyway this year, the pandemic
did it Like I'm going through a pandemic. Sorry I can't. Yeah. Um,
I don't know if you remember that. There was that
tweet that had gone viral of like, if you're not
getting your novel written, if you're not launching that, it's
(20:38):
not because you didn't have time, it's because you didn't
want to. And I thought, yeah, I just wanted to
roll my eyes with that, because you think about what
we were all adjusting to. It was extreme. We're all
still burnt out from this past year and we're still
burning out. It's not like the pandemic is getting better, right.
We don't know when things will be quote back to normal,
(21:01):
and maybe we never wanted to go fully back to normal.
We want there to be some things about this way
of living that stick around. But yeah, I mean when
the pandemic started, um, it was hard to compartmentalize at
first because we were all just kind of trying to
get our bearings. And so as someone who super go
go go, there was a small part of me that
(21:21):
found peace and being forced to stay still in ways
and spaces that I otherwise wouldn't. And while I would
have much rather the world to go back to normal
because of what it would have meant for all of
us at our safety and our wellness and health, um,
the fact that I was there made me realize I
might be enjoying this stillness a little too much, only
because it was telling me that I was doing way
(21:42):
too much before. And so that was one small gift
of this is realizing I really need to get back
to carving out that time for stillness and that it's
okay to be still that there is a restoration to
be found in that. To your point about that that
meme which I did see, you know, if you didn't
achieve this, this, and this, then you're just lazy because
now you have all the time in the world, and
(22:04):
it's like, well, that completely discredits the emotional um rest
and wellness that you have to have to create and
to achieve in the mental and spiritual wellness, like everything
else is bonkers. Sure, I technically have time, but I'm
losing my ship right now. I don't know what's going on.
The last thing I could do is create. I love
that you mentioned that. Yeah, And we were all in
(22:26):
a fight or flight state to some degree, right, and
we might be looking at if we slowed down and
spent fifteen minutes to just tune into how our body
is feeling, we may realize we're still sort of there, right,
and if you're there rest Yeah. Um, I'm glad you
brought that up because I love if you could just
(22:47):
give our listeners maybe a few uh things, a few
warning signs if they want to sit with themselves maybe
after this episode and check in as they go into
the new year. What are some things that you would
encourage people to gauge within themselves. That might be signs, Hey,
you still need to reset or you need to rest,
or you need to do a little bit of self
(23:08):
care or reflection. If we're feeling this way or if
we're acting this way, what might those signs be? Yeah,
I mean I think that it's safe too. Some most
of us are still there. And if in doubt, if
you're not sure, assume that you're a bit burnt out, right,
you would be looking for signs of like how is
(23:29):
your sleep? How is your energy? How is your patience level? Right?
If someone is being annoying at the store, not wearing
their mask or whatever, like can how are you feeling
about that? Are you able to move through it? Are
you feeling really stuck and angry or scare? I mean
these are signs, right, Can you find some joy and
(23:51):
laugh and feel fully present with the loved ones that
you're around? If you can't, I think those would be
some signs of Okay, I need to tune in and
take care of myself. And and maybe it's not just
I have to do this all by myself, but I
can reach out and get support because um so we
all have a slightly different reaction and experience to the pandemic.
(24:13):
We are all going through a pandemic, so everybody can
do some degree understand what you're going through. Yeah, we
have also felt a lack of control this year. You know,
people had their expectations about what was going to happen,
had other plans. Um, as we moved through the new year. Um,
what are some ways that we can regain control, even
(24:35):
in small ways in our everyday life, whether it's our
home environment, or work life, or personal relationships. It could
be boundaries, something as heavy as that or as important
as that. It could be something as small as creating
a space that feels good when we're home. Um. What
would you encourage people to do to try to sort
of regain a sense of control and peace in their
everyday life. Well, sorry, I think that you're offering up
(24:57):
some really good ideas, So I think those their starting places.
The other pieces that I would add is, um, you know,
I have a kind of a funny homework assignment that
will give clients sometimes where I'll say, like, go clean
out a drawer, and they look at me like, Dan,
you are a weird lady. And then I and then
(25:18):
I explained it's you know, we like a sense of completion.
We like knowing we've reached the end of something. And
when you are dealing with any kind of chronic stress
that is out of your control, our body is stressed
by that. So if we do something that has a beginning,
a middle, and an end, it doesn't make everything all better,
but man, it feels kind of nice. So the world
(25:39):
is chaos. I got that drawer cleaned out, I got
that laundry put away, got that closet cleaned out right,
So that's one thing. Find things that you can have
a beginning, a middle, and an end to and really
force yourself to finish it, because there's something we gain
at completing things. The other thing is understand that there
(26:00):
is a rhythm inside of you. There are rhythms all
around in this world, right, rhythms and patterns, and we
have had our rhythm are beats thrown off this year,
and so can you find ways to get a little
of that rhythm back through routines and structure and control,
and you know what's important for you? Like some people say,
(26:21):
oh it's my morning coffee, I need to have five
minutes where I do nothing but I sit and I
drink my coffee. Other people say I have to do
yoga every night. Okay, then if everything else is falling apart,
do what you can to try to keep those aspects
still in your life. M some sense of normalcy or consistency,
even if it's small. A thing that you enjoy is
(26:41):
the thing you enjoy. Yeah, and when you speak about boundaries,
then protect those sure boundaries, be assertive, pick that battle
to keep that around whatever it is. And you're not
going to be able to keep all of your routine right,
So just pick the couple of things that really matter
the most to you. Got it. And and to that
(27:02):
that point about boundaries. As we move into this new year, um,
maybe we're starting to have those conversations, uncomfortable conversations about
you know, with loved ones or friends or whoever. Maybe
it's a coworker. Um, this might be a big ask
in the moment. And I know this can go various
ways depending on who you're engaging with, but what might
be a suggested start of a sentence when it comes
(27:26):
to telling someone that you want to have a conversation
about boundaries, Because sometimes even I personally it's like Okay,
I kind of want to tell my my best friend
that this is how I'm feeling about this thing and
I need to establish the new boundaries. Or maybe I
want to talk to my boyfriend about this thing. But
you don't want to make it a bigger deal than
it has to be. So you don't want to be like,
meet me on the park Benshet twelve o'clock Thursday and
(27:49):
come prepared for a conversation like that just sounds like
something that I wouldn't want to show up to if
I was on a person. So how do we kind of,
you know, gently these people we love into a conversation
about boundaries. Yeah, I mean even as you were describing that,
I was hearing that Oregon music in the background, and
(28:10):
they're not showing up on the bench. I'll tell you
that right now, I'm gonna be there solo and that
at the end of that relationship, because that sounded scarier
to them than just talking to me. Yeah, Or you know,
how are they showing up? They're scared, they're defensive, they're nervous.
Are they really in a space to hear you know? Uh? So,
how I try to approach these conversations and I'm not
(28:30):
going to say I always do it perfectly, but I
ground myself in the assumption that they can handle it.
They can handle it. Yeah, I'm going to be kind
about it and they can handle it. And when I
come from that approach and I'm not walking on eggshells,
they're a little less likely to walk on eggshells themselves.
(28:50):
And we can meet in this place of I care
about you, you care about me. Let's work on this
so it can be better. Right, And so what is
it actually the script on how to start it? I
do think it depends on the person. I think that
it comes from like really saying things slowly, not quickly,
looking them in the eye as clear faced as you can,
(29:12):
from this place of care. And maybe that is something
where there is an intimacy to that that throws people off,
that vone vulnerability. And I think they can read our
face and they can see on our expression that Okay,
we're good. We just have to make this better. So
maybe text message isn't the best place to do it
(29:32):
because we lose all of those nonverbals. Yeah, it's like
have you ever seen the there's a key impel sketch
on YouTube, but where two people are texting in different
rooms and one person is like super chill, like yeah, man, whatever,
and then he's like, yeah, man, whatever, do not even
give that this relationship, And so you're just seeing them
(29:52):
go back and forth completely misunderstanding one another because there
there's no tone, There are no verbal cues when we're texting,
So that in itself might have just saved a couple
of friendships day. And don't text you guys, if you're
trying to set boundaries, maybe have a face to face
or send it as a voice memo okay, so we
can get some inflection, some tonation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I
(30:13):
have a sister where I you have to stop doing
this because she'll just text back the response okay period.
They're like, whoa exactly? I'm like, stop yelling at me.
I thought we were could I hate the okay period?
And like I just don't know what I did to
deserve this. Like I'm reflecting on if I can show
(30:35):
up in a different way, Like you couldn't have given
me an exclamation point? Maybe like okay a why with
a smiley face? There were just so many other options.
Give me an emoji, man, give me an emoji. But
I've learned like okay. When she says okay, I can
imagine it in the best possible way, and even though
it like first hits, it's okay, I know to like
(30:57):
Amanda to okay and fix it right. I love what
you said about tone and even speed, you know, because
I tend to be a pretty a fast talker, and
when I get excited or upset, it gets even faster,
and so when I engage with certain people, I've had
to realize that slowing it down kind of eases the
(31:19):
tension and energy for everyone. I'm just speaking heatedly because
it's just how I talk, but I'm understanding now in
my life that's not how it's being received by someone else,
so it may come across as anger or why is
she so worked up? Or did dada? And I'm like,
I'm just I'm just talking. But when you speak slower,
I think it also implies that there's some intention with
your words. So I really mean what I say because
(31:41):
I'm taking the time to say it slowly to make
sure you understand it. So I love that. Yeah, and
you know what you were describing on how nervous you get.
I just wonder what are your fears are your fears
that they can't handle it? Yeah, And then so if
you just like give them the best, best possible interpretation
(32:03):
that you can get them, the most generous interpretation, assume
they would rather know the truth than the pity of
you can't handle it, so I have to like give
it to you gently. There's something a little condescending about that, right,
And we don't mean it to be. I've done it
like that, And then I think, man, but that's not
how I would want to get the feedback. I would
just want to know, right, I love that the fact
(32:24):
I value you enough, I respect you enough, I have
enough faith and who you are and how you can
show up for me that I'm not going to condescend
or you know, spoon feeds you a thing that I
fully have trust you can handle. Wow, it's great. And
I don't mean it to criticize people or to say
that this is generally their pattern. I think we get
(32:46):
a lot of social scripts that say let them down easy,
protect their feelings. That really suggests they can't handle it.
Or if you've had some really hard relationships in the
past where people have not been able to handle it
at all, I get where you might be coming into
these conversations worried that that's going to happen again, and
(33:06):
then you say, Okay, is it going to happen again
or is it not? How are these situations similar or different?
And then you can hopefully get a little space from
that negative experience. Yeah, that's great, that's great. Before I
let you go, we have a segment called the Party Trick,
which is just a fun little something for our listeners
to take away at the end of an episode. And
(33:26):
so for this week's Party Trick, I would love if
you could give our listeners three tips, three things to
remember as we take one. Okay, first off, assume that
you are tired and that you are recovering from something
that you are still going through, so you're not going
to fix it, and a week that you are going
(33:48):
to need to really give yourself time to recover and heal.
So that's step one. Um, when you think about resolutions,
consider what is the best timing for these resolutions. And
this is where you have to be really honest with
yourself and say, am I just putting this off and
avoiding it because I'm good at finding excuses because I'm
scared about this? Or is it just a bad time
(34:09):
because I'm tired, right, and so being flexible there and adapting.
And then the third piece that I would say, what
we had spoken about earlier is our values are great
guiding forces. So if you are looking at one and
the ways that you want to change, let your values
guide the way. If it's about I value friendships and relationships,
(34:33):
then okay, let's figure out how you're doing well, what
you want to keep around, and what you want to add.
I love that, Jen. Can I call you Jen? Still?
You can talk to Hardy. We're on Jen terms. Yes,
I made it through the interview. Not enough of a
card carrying member of the asshole assembly? Do you have
(34:55):
to situation calling Jen doctor Hardy? That is my goal.
I'm knocked it out in gin. Thank you so much.
This is such an awesome conversation. If people want to
keep up with you, follow you, engage with you, where
can they? Where can they do that? Yeah? I do
most of my work on Instagram, so at you know,
ironically it is doctor Dr Jen Hardy, right, So I
(35:18):
don't think everyone on Instagram is an asshole just for
the letter, but just in case, you got to play
a little safer over there, you know, and this Jen
two ends yeah, yeah, okay. And then I have a
website website the same thing, www dot doctor Jen Hardy
dot com and you can get links to any kind
of podcasts that I've done like this one, or articles
(35:39):
that I've been quoted in. Awesome. Well, thank you so much, Jen,
Happy new year, wishing you all the best. I'm definitely
going to be taking a lot of your awesome advice
into this upcoming year and be once I appreciate your time. Yeah,
thank you so much for having me. It was great
to talk to you. Happy best. All right. I hope
you got some good take aways from my combo with
(36:01):
Jen as you take on twenty twenty one. Now, as
promised before I let you go, we've got our first
giveaway of the new year. It's another one hundred dollar
Amazon gift card. All you gotta do is leave a
five star rating and a quick written review of this
here hot happy mess. Okay, just whatever it is that
(36:24):
you're loving about the show so far, and in that review,
also drop a line telling me your one word for
one Okay, what do you want more of this year? Okay?
It could be anything, It could be consistency, that's my word.
It could be love, rest, guacamole, pizza. I do not care.
It is your world and we are living in it,
(36:46):
all right. Just post away. The giveaway ends Sunday, January
at eleven fifty nine pm Eastern Standard Time. So if
you're listening to this right now and it is not
that date or time yet, it ain't late, enter Okay, boom,
good luck, and I will see you next week. I'm
super excited to announce we have some really stellar one
(37:09):
on one guest that we are bringing to the podcast
in the next few months. You're gonna love them. And
more group chats coming soon. Okay. I know you guys
love the group chat. I love the group chat. They're
my real friends. So we are going to have more
group chats, especially as we kick off this love and
Relationship series. Y'all. You do not know how excited I
am that this is the next series. So it is
(37:30):
coming within these next few weeks here, and we're gonna
deep dive through January February, maybe in the March. I
don't even know. Because I just love this topic so
much and I know you all want to talk about it.
We're gonna get into the nitty gritty of all the
things love, sex, dating, marriage, not marriage. Okay, I'm losing
my words because I'm tired and I need to shut
up now. I said this one's gonna be short and sweet,
(37:52):
so that's what I'm gonna make it be. Good luck, God'spy,
May the Force be with you. Don't forget to enter
the giveaway, and I will see y'all next Monday. By
Hot Happy Mess. Celebrate your magic in the middle of
life's messes. Hi Happy. I'm Zurie Hall and this is Hot,
Happy Mess. Happy New Year, Happy New Year, y'all, it
is one. We made it. Hallelujah. I am your sister
(00:32):
in sound what You're equally exhausted but extremely optimistic fellow
twenty one Life Conference attendee. There are name tags and
sharpie's at the door. Thank you. Also, I'm your host,
Zuri Hall, of this year Hot Happy Mess, and I'm
super excited to be kicking off our first ever episode
(00:52):
of twenty one. This is going to be a short
and sweet one, Okay, so you can get back to
nursing your New Year's Eve hangover or your twenty twenty hangover,
let's be honest, probably both. And if you're wondering how
I am kicking off the New year today, well, I'm
currently in a leopard print fleece onesie that I got
(01:14):
a few years ago on discount at Target. It has
a hood, so that's a plus. And um, I'm just
planning a polish off this warm flat champagne out of
a bottle that I for got to put back in
the fridge last night and probably shower big wins over here, guys,
let's go okay, So in today's episode, I am going
(01:35):
to try to convince you to pick a word for
this year instead of a resolution, and then I'm going
to talk with a therapist about how to make a
good resolution. Since you ain't gonna listen to me anyway.
Dr Jen Hardy is in the building. She is so
chill and so down to earth. She gave us some
really great advice on high pressure or toxic resolutions, how
we can reframe our goals and how to handle it
(01:58):
if we fail at them, because let's be honest, we
probably will at some point kind of stumble. And since
most of us felt so out of control and in
fight or flight mode, especially through She's going to talk
with us about some ways that we can find a
sense of balance and control infuse our lives with a
little bit more peace, even if it's just in our space,
(02:20):
in our home space. Um. Also, this is a good one, y'all.
Stay tuned. We're talking about how to start the potentially
awkward but very necessary we need new boundaries conversation with
somewhere you care about. Maybe this year is the year
that you finally want to get somebody together and have
him come at you, the opposite of Crazy Jen's Got You. Okay,
(02:41):
Dr Jen Hardy has Got You and this week's party
trick three tips to successfully take on And because one
of my love languages is giving and receiving gifts and
I love you so very much, I'm giving away another
one dollar Amazon gift card to stay tuned until the
end of this episode if you want to win. Cool cool,
(03:03):
all right. So that's am alright totally still that title
from the new Netflix show which I highly recommend you watch.
It's a comedy special. I I don't know when it
came out, clearly not two long ago. They had to
wait for be Over to air it. Um. But it's
really good. It's produced by the same producers of Black Mirror,
(03:24):
and so it's dark humor. It's kind of like a
mockumentary if you will, and I mean it's star study.
They've got Samuel L. Jackson and they're playing another character.
They've got Hugh Grant playing like some low key racist,
old white guy historian. They've got so many people and
it's really well done. And I also think they do
a really good job of making fun of both sides
(03:46):
of what was a very divisive year. So no one
is spared, no one comes out unscathed. But it's really funny,
so I highly recommend it. You should check it out.
That's on Netflix. I am not person only super big
into resolutions, y'all. Like in the last few years especially,
I'm like, I've been around the block just long enough
(04:09):
to know that I'm probably not going to pull this
off successfully and I don't really feel like feeling like
crap four months from now when I fail at this.
So and because you know, so many of us are
always go, go go anyway, and we have, um, you know,
ambitions and goals any time of the year, I'm just like,
the last thing I need is an extra thing on
(04:29):
top of all the things that I'm already going to
be trying to do for myself and the people in
my life. UM So, I've started doing the word thing, right,
I'm sure you've seen that on Instagram and all the
different social media platforms. Everybody's picking a word, but I
really like it. My word for was consistency, and it
was spawned on by the fact that I wanted to
get healthier. Right, so I post it. You can go
(04:50):
to my Instagram at Zeri Hall and you'll see this
photo if you scroll deep enough, if you activate your
inner lurker, we've all got her in there. And I
was talking about looking healthy is one thing, but feeling
healthy is something else, entirely different, and spoiler alert, I
don't feel it, or at least I didn't at that time.
I mean, I eat hot cheetos, fried everything pasta with
(05:12):
extra parmesan weekly, sometimes towards a week, and Lord knows,
I love my wine. But last year I cut out
alcohol for all of January. Can you believe it? I
still can't believe that happened last year, and I actually
did it. My body was like randomly craving way more
salad at the start of last year, kale salad. And
(05:32):
that's how I knew. It was like an S O
S signal, Like my body was like, try as one
more time, you got one more time, one more year
to act up, Like this little metabolism of yours is
just gonna get you through everything, No, ma'am. So I
tried to get my life together. My natural builds simply
is what it is. Like. I got the luck of
(05:52):
the draw with that one, but the older I get
the more I know how important it is to focus
on the insides. I didn't want to wake up anymore
and be groggy, which I often could be, and get
winded walking up a flight upstairs. But I do. I'm
getting on a bit of a tangent. But the reason
that I really like the idea of one word is
because it can guide all of the choices that I
(06:15):
am going to make through the years. So whether it's
fitness related, career centered, or even if it's just about
showing up as my best self and my friendships and
my relationships. My goal was to work on consistency, and
I honestly did that really well for the first few months.
As words and resolutions tend to go, then things got weird.
Global pandemic, what's up? Um? But I really liked that
(06:38):
because it's easy to remember it, you know, it's not
putting some crazy markers like I have to drink two
gallons of water by the end of each day. Also,
is that too much water for a human body per day?
I don't know, because I don't drink enough. Still, whether
it's consistency with like getting back to people in a
in a timely fashioned even my group chats, like consistency
(06:59):
with responding to text messages and emails. Just consistency for
the things that I want to show up for. I'm
not saying just consistently be available and all over the
place to everyone. I'm just saying for me, because one
thing that I've learned through personal self reflection is I
am a high achieving, highly productive person, and I have
been since like primary school. But I can be kind
(07:22):
of scattered and like a little bit sporadic in my methods,
which means I might be productive, but I'm not as
efficient as I could be. So consistency for me was
about increasing my efficiency, which gave me more time to
do other things, things that I loved because I wasn't
just so scattered. And I still I gotta work on that.
(07:43):
I'm still working on that. That is my challenge for
all of you. That's what I'm gonna do again this year.
I would love to know what your one word is.
Clearly everything went out of the window by March of
so you want to know what my word is, I'm
picking the same damn word. How's that for consistency? Yep,
(08:05):
we're taking this into y'all. So consistency is my word
for one. I'm gonna try to keep that theme going,
especially now with the podcast I gotta upload every Monday.
So thank you all. You are the great consistency of
my life. Right now, okay, it is go time, So
without further ado, Dr Jen Hardy is a licensed psychologist
(08:27):
with a private practice in Maryville, Tennessee. She has specialized
training and psychodynamic and feminist therapy, attachment theory, which I love.
Oh my gosh, I'm obsessed with attachment theory. We're gonna
talk about it on the show, um in future episodes,
and career related issues. She writes on Instagram about relationships, career, resilience,
self compassion, and whatever else is on her mind. And
(08:49):
fun fact, you guys, I also learned that Jen, not
unlike myself, is originally from the Buckeye State. Oh age, baby,
gotta love it. Here we go. This is Jen Jen Hardy.
Dr Jen Hardy is extremely funny. She told me already
that she you only make who call you Dr Hardy?
Um assholes and insurance companies, oh and insurance companies that'll
(09:15):
do it. Okay, So I've made. I've made in the
promise that I'll be on my best behavior. So that
I can keep the privilege of calling her Jen. But
if by the end of this interview you decide I'm
an asshole Weeken, we can switch to n switch over.
I think you'll be fine. Okay, all right, I appreciate
the faith you have in me. Um. I feel seen.
So we're heading into a new year one obviously, so
(09:35):
many of us are ready to kind of just close
this chapter and start fresh, which is a common theme
for New Year's but this one feels a little different. Um,
as we sort of kick off this discussion on resolutions
and sometimes the pressure that comes with him. I want
to know what your perspective is on on resolutions in general.
You know, I'm not a super big fan of New
(09:57):
Year's resolutions because we have to consider timing, right, and
maybe especially this year, the middle of winter, in the
middle of a pandemic that seems like it's been stretching
on for like five years, maybe now is not the
time for some like deep investment on radical change. Maybe
(10:19):
you're exhausted in terms of resolutions. I just you know,
you've got to feel out where you're at, and if
you feel ready for it and really want to do it,
go for it. And if you don't, you have my
permission and everyone else's to skip it this year. Thank you,
I will be taking that permission. I haven't thought about
a resolution, i haven't thought about a thing I want
(10:39):
to do. I'm just happy to make it to the
new year and be intact, you know, Like I think
that's what this year was for me, was just realizing
the small winds, the waking up and doing another day
and getting through it, you know, and trying to find
little bits of joy. That that's the biggest win of
all after a year like this. So I love hearing
you say that we can take the pressure off of ourselves. Yeah,
(11:02):
and we don't have to find silver lining. So please
don't see this as a silver lining, because this has
been a really hard year. I think, though, that there
is meaning that we can make from these heart experiences,
and I think that a lot of us are leaving
this year with a whole different perspective on how much
we really have control over and the need to adapt
(11:26):
and to honor where we're really at right because, um January,
one of we had no idea what was coming our way, right,
even though we all thought we did, We all had
twenty twenty vision, right, futures never looked so bright coming
in crystal clear. I did not see this coming gen Yeah,
I didn't either. I didn't either, And um, I will
(11:47):
say though, I had a pandemic proof resolution, and I
stuck by my resolution. Wait what was the resolution? It
literally was to eat more barbecue? Oh my gosh. See, Okay,
if I didn't love you before, I definitely love you now.
I also love that the resolution is just something that
(12:09):
is so awesome, Like, who would fight that one? I don't.
I don't think I've ever thought about resolving to just
do a thing that just tastes good, feels good. I
just like it. It's always something that kind of feels
like a punishment. Yeah. Yeah, And so what if instead
of taking away, what if we think of adding? What
I like about that resolution is what if you just
pick a fun one? Right? And so I was able
(12:31):
to stick to it and adapt because I didn't say
I must have this much this, I must have it
every week. Well, you know I'm going to fail at
that if I just say, what if? What if I
just have more than what I have for Yeah, then
there's a lot of flexibility and whiggle room, Right, I
love that. I love that you know what you've inspired me.
I wasn't going to make any resolution solutions truly this
(12:53):
upcoming year. I will make a fun one. I will
give that gift to myself, that permission to do a
thing a little bit more that makes me happy or
maybe that I haven't tried, but thank my so thank
you for that. Yeah. Yeah, And I think the other
best types of resolutions are the ones that are really
grounded in our values, where we say, what is something
(13:15):
that is important to me that I don't have enough
of right now? And how can I go about crafting
that into my life more intentionally? Right? And we can
stick to those because we really wholeheartedly believe in them.
And so instead of saying I am broken and I
must change myself and fix myself, what if I say, like,
I am enough and what do I want to have
(13:36):
more of in my life? Right? Right? Um? I love
that you bring that up because we've we've talked quite
a bit on the podcast about core values and how
once we kind of figure out what they are for us,
it becomes much easier to walk away from things that
don't really align with us. It becomes much easier to
realize why we're having negative emotions or our alarm systems
are going off. Oh, this doesn't align with my values,
(13:58):
and so that's why I'm kind of hitting a dead
end here or a brick wall when it comes to
keeping a resolution. You've given us some really great tips
on how to set them. Maybe the frame of mind
with which to approach this stuff, like what would you
say to people who might be a little harder on themselves?
A lot of the women and men, but the people
who listen to this podcast are extremely ambitious people. Um,
(14:21):
what groundwork should we lay? What should we keep in
mind as we move forward through the year? Should we
set a resolution? Yeah? I have a couple of thoughts
on this. One is because I am also hardworking, ambitious person, right,
And I've learned had to learn the most successful people
are the ones who adapt. And my overarching principle when
(14:47):
I'm trying to be persistent toward a goal is saying,
you've got to adapt to what the situation gives you, right.
Or I'll say, like, play the cards in your hand,
don't play the cards you thought you were going to get,
Don't play the thought the cards you wanted, play the
ones you've got and play them, play the hell out
of them. And so if that means you have to
(15:08):
put a pause on that career goal, that might actually
be the best idea. I think of all the people
who were planning on going back to school and they
really wanted to go, and maybe some of them did
and they like it, and maybe some of them said,
you know what, I don't learn best online, I'm going
to have to pause that goal. To me, Um, neither
of those are a failure. The failure would be I
(15:30):
know I can't do it that way, but I'm going
to force myself to do it that way, right. So
that's it's all about adapting, right. And then the other
piece is we have these narratives that we tell about ourselves, right,
and you need to be really honest with yourself about
the ways that your goals are encouraging you to replay
(15:52):
the narrative if you so. Like, there's this sky that
I really only know through Instagram, and I know what's
going to um on New Year's Day. He is going
to have a list a mile long of all the
changes he's going to have to make. I'm thinking, man,
he's a smart guy. He's gotta and we can't get
it all done. And I'm thinking, what is that narrative there? Like,
(16:15):
is he used to telling himself that he's a funk
up and so he's setting it up to fail so
then he can say, here I go again. Wow. So
I encourage you to just be like really honest with yourself.
We are not babies. We have lived in this world
long enough that we know ourselves, we know our hard spots,
(16:37):
and we've got to look at these resolutions and say,
am I re enacting that so I can tell that
same story again? I feel like personally attacked in the
best way right now, because that, honestly, that is wow.
I'm gonna have to sit with that after this, truly
and reflect on the ways that maybe I set myself
(16:58):
up to just repeat stories that I've told myself. And
I might, you know, make these public declarations or say
these things under the guise of new year, knew me
or better Z or best life blah blah blah. But
the truth is, am I setting myself up for a
hesitated to say failure, but for repetition of patterns that
(17:20):
really I know never ending good feelings? Yeah? And I
get how you'll read advice that says, you know, name
it out loud, let other people hold yourself, hold you accountable. Yeah,
And I'm like, I don't know. That might work for
some people, but for other people, they may find themselves
than feeling like, Okay, I'm painted in a corner. The
(17:41):
best thing I could do is adapt and change course.
But now I'm going to have to explain myself to
all of these other people. And what are they saying
behind my back? Right when stories are they telling about me?
I mean, we've talked about social media on the podcast,
the relationship and dynamic we have with it. Well, it
can be a good opportunity for accountability if it's a
(18:03):
safe space that you've created online in whatever that digital spaces,
it also creates a lot of pressure, and sometimes it's
self imposed. We set ourselves up for that. I have
done that. I started. My one resolution was I was
going to run a mile every morning, and I got
my Instagram photo on the treadmill Jon and I was
(18:25):
My caption was just like, who, let's do this consistency
three weeks in. Four weeks in, I was like, I
gotta go to the gram and tell everyone, Like I
felt like I had to confess that I was not.
I just wasn't doing it the way I hoped, And
I kind of felt a little bit like, you know,
wamp wamp totally totally felt that one kind of wish
(18:45):
that I hadn't run it up, because Yeah, now there
is this not even accountability in a way that you want.
It's kind of like this expectation that you've set yourself
up for, these great expectations for this online world that
you're you know, engaging with it because it doesn't need
to be a big deal, right, but when we start
putting out in these public spaces, we know of that's
(19:09):
how what that person is going to say about me,
or that's why they're going to react about me, and
and I see all the means. Let's say it doesn't
really matter what people think. Um, you are a social creature.
You are allowed to care what other people think of you,
and you are then allowed to honor that. You may
want to keep some things private because you it's enough
for you to deal with it, let alone dealing with
(19:31):
other people figuring it out. Right. Yeah, that's a really
good point. I never would have tried to do something
every single day because I would have been like there's
no way I can be that consistent at anything. I
can't even feed myself every morning consistently. I'm so on
the go. I'm like the last thing I need to do,
but I'm going to run them out. I will say
(19:52):
for the listeners, I've gotten back on it. I've ran twice,
so no big deal. I don't want to talk about it.
Kind of killing the game twice in the last months,
but twice. So there's been a pandemic. You know you're
been sort of busy with stuff. Yeah, that's been the
one good thing. If there is a silverlying, which I
know we don't have to find pre your point, Um,
(20:15):
I just get to blame everything on the pandemic. Anything
anything I wouldn't have done anyway this year, the pandemic
did it Like I'm going through a pandemic. Sorry I can't. Yeah. Um,
I don't know if you remember that. There was that
tweet that had gone viral of like, if you're not
getting your novel written, if you're not launching that, it's
(20:38):
not because you didn't have time, it's because you didn't
want to. And I thought, yeah, I just wanted to
roll my eyes with that, because you think about what
we were all adjusting to. It was extreme. We're all
still burnt out from this past year and we're still
burning out. It's not like the pandemic is getting better, right.
We don't know when things will be quote back to normal,
(21:01):
and maybe we never wanted to go fully back to normal.
We want there to be some things about this way
of living that stick around. But yeah, I mean when
the pandemic started, um, it was hard to compartmentalize at
first because we were all just kind of trying to
get our bearings. And so as someone who super go
go go, there was a small part of me that
(21:21):
found peace and being forced to stay still in ways
and spaces that I otherwise wouldn't. And while I would
have much rather the world to go back to normal
because of what it would have meant for all of
us at our safety and our wellness and health, um,
the fact that I was there made me realize I
might be enjoying this stillness a little too much, only
because it was telling me that I was doing way
(21:42):
too much before. And so that was one small gift
of this is realizing I really need to get back
to carving out that time for stillness and that it's
okay to be still that there is a restoration to
be found in that. To your point about that that
meme which I did see, you know, if you didn't
achieve this, this, and this, then you're just lazy because
now you have all the time in the world, and
(22:04):
it's like, well, that completely discredits the emotional um rest
and wellness that you have to have to create and
to achieve in the mental and spiritual wellness, like everything
else is bonkers. Sure, I technically have time, but I'm
losing my ship right now. I don't know what's going on.
The last thing I could do is create. I love
that you mentioned that. Yeah, And we were all in
(22:26):
a fight or flight state to some degree, right, and
we might be looking at if we slowed down and
spent fifteen minutes to just tune into how our body
is feeling, we may realize we're still sort of there, right,
and if you're there rest Yeah. Um, I'm glad you
brought that up because I love if you could just
(22:47):
give our listeners maybe a few uh things, a few
warning signs if they want to sit with themselves maybe
after this episode and check in as they go into
the new year. What are some things that you would
encourage people to gauge within themselves. That might be signs, Hey,
you still need to reset or you need to rest,
or you need to do a little bit of self
(23:08):
care or reflection. If we're feeling this way or if
we're acting this way, what might those signs be? Yeah,
I mean I think that it's safe too. Some most
of us are still there. And if in doubt, if
you're not sure, assume that you're a bit burnt out, right,
you would be looking for signs of like how is
(23:29):
your sleep? How is your energy? How is your patience level? Right?
If someone is being annoying at the store, not wearing
their mask or whatever, like can how are you feeling
about that? Are you able to move through it? Are
you feeling really stuck and angry or scare? I mean
these are signs, right, Can you find some joy and
(23:51):
laugh and feel fully present with the loved ones that
you're around? If you can't, I think those would be
some signs of Okay, I need to tune in and
take care of myself. And and maybe it's not just
I have to do this all by myself, but I
can reach out and get support because um so we
all have a slightly different reaction and experience to the pandemic.
(24:13):
We are all going through a pandemic, so everybody can
do some degree understand what you're going through. Yeah, we
have also felt a lack of control this year. You know,
people had their expectations about what was going to happen,
had other plans. Um, as we moved through the new year. Um,
what are some ways that we can regain control, even
(24:35):
in small ways in our everyday life, whether it's our
home environment, or work life, or personal relationships. It could
be boundaries, something as heavy as that or as important
as that. It could be something as small as creating
a space that feels good when we're home. Um. What
would you encourage people to do to try to sort
of regain a sense of control and peace in their
everyday life. Well, sorry, I think that you're offering up
(24:57):
some really good ideas, So I think those their starting places.
The other pieces that I would add is, um, you know,
I have a kind of a funny homework assignment that
will give clients sometimes where I'll say, like, go clean
out a drawer, and they look at me like, Dan,
you are a weird lady. And then I and then
(25:18):
I explained it's you know, we like a sense of completion.
We like knowing we've reached the end of something. And
when you are dealing with any kind of chronic stress
that is out of your control, our body is stressed
by that. So if we do something that has a beginning,
a middle, and an end, it doesn't make everything all better,
but man, it feels kind of nice. So the world
(25:39):
is chaos. I got that drawer cleaned out, I got
that laundry put away, got that closet cleaned out right,
So that's one thing. Find things that you can have
a beginning, a middle, and an end to and really
force yourself to finish it, because there's something we gain
at completing things. The other thing is understand that there
(26:00):
is a rhythm inside of you. There are rhythms all
around in this world, right, rhythms and patterns, and we
have had our rhythm are beats thrown off this year,
and so can you find ways to get a little
of that rhythm back through routines and structure and control,
and you know what's important for you? Like some people say,
(26:21):
oh it's my morning coffee, I need to have five
minutes where I do nothing but I sit and I
drink my coffee. Other people say I have to do
yoga every night. Okay, then if everything else is falling apart,
do what you can to try to keep those aspects
still in your life. M some sense of normalcy or consistency,
even if it's small. A thing that you enjoy is
(26:41):
the thing you enjoy. Yeah, and when you speak about boundaries,
then protect those sure boundaries, be assertive, pick that battle
to keep that around whatever it is. And you're not
going to be able to keep all of your routine right,
So just pick the couple of things that really matter
the most to you. Got it. And and to that
(27:02):
that point about boundaries. As we move into this new year, um,
maybe we're starting to have those conversations, uncomfortable conversations about
you know, with loved ones or friends or whoever. Maybe
it's a coworker. Um, this might be a big ask
in the moment. And I know this can go various
ways depending on who you're engaging with, but what might
be a suggested start of a sentence when it comes
(27:26):
to telling someone that you want to have a conversation
about boundaries, Because sometimes even I personally it's like Okay,
I kind of want to tell my my best friend
that this is how I'm feeling about this thing and
I need to establish the new boundaries. Or maybe I
want to talk to my boyfriend about this thing. But
you don't want to make it a bigger deal than
it has to be. So you don't want to be like,
meet me on the park Benshet twelve o'clock Thursday and
(27:49):
come prepared for a conversation like that just sounds like
something that I wouldn't want to show up to if
I was on a person. So how do we kind of,
you know, gently these people we love into a conversation
about boundaries. Yeah, I mean even as you were describing that,
I was hearing that Oregon music in the background, and
(28:10):
they're not showing up on the bench. I'll tell you
that right now, I'm gonna be there solo and that
at the end of that relationship, because that sounded scarier
to them than just talking to me. Yeah, Or you know,
how are they showing up? They're scared, they're defensive, they're nervous.
Are they really in a space to hear you know? Uh? So,
how I try to approach these conversations and I'm not
(28:30):
going to say I always do it perfectly, but I
ground myself in the assumption that they can handle it.
They can handle it. Yeah, I'm going to be kind
about it and they can handle it. And when I
come from that approach and I'm not walking on eggshells,
they're a little less likely to walk on eggshells themselves.
(28:50):
And we can meet in this place of I care
about you, you care about me. Let's work on this
so it can be better. Right, And so what is
it actually the script on how to start it? I
do think it depends on the person. I think that
it comes from like really saying things slowly, not quickly,
looking them in the eye as clear faced as you can,
(29:12):
from this place of care. And maybe that is something
where there is an intimacy to that that throws people off,
that vone vulnerability. And I think they can read our
face and they can see on our expression that Okay,
we're good. We just have to make this better. So
maybe text message isn't the best place to do it
(29:32):
because we lose all of those nonverbals. Yeah, it's like
have you ever seen the there's a key impel sketch
on YouTube, but where two people are texting in different
rooms and one person is like super chill, like yeah, man, whatever,
and then he's like, yeah, man, whatever, do not even
give that this relationship, And so you're just seeing them
(29:52):
go back and forth completely misunderstanding one another because there
there's no tone, There are no verbal cues when we're texting,
So that in itself might have just saved a couple
of friendships day. And don't text you guys, if you're
trying to set boundaries, maybe have a face to face
or send it as a voice memo okay, so we
can get some inflection, some tonation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I
(30:13):
have a sister where I you have to stop doing
this because she'll just text back the response okay period.
They're like, whoa exactly? I'm like, stop yelling at me.
I thought we were could I hate the okay period?
And like I just don't know what I did to
deserve this. Like I'm reflecting on if I can show
(30:35):
up in a different way, Like you couldn't have given
me an exclamation point? Maybe like okay a why with
a smiley face? There were just so many other options.
Give me an emoji, man, give me an emoji. But
I've learned like okay. When she says okay, I can
imagine it in the best possible way, and even though
it like first hits, it's okay, I know to like
(30:57):
Amanda to okay and fix it right. I love what
you said about tone and even speed, you know, because
I tend to be a pretty a fast talker, and
when I get excited or upset, it gets even faster,
and so when I engage with certain people, I've had
to realize that slowing it down kind of eases the
(31:19):
tension and energy for everyone. I'm just speaking heatedly because
it's just how I talk, but I'm understanding now in
my life that's not how it's being received by someone else,
so it may come across as anger or why is
she so worked up? Or did dada? And I'm like,
I'm just I'm just talking. But when you speak slower,
I think it also implies that there's some intention with
your words. So I really mean what I say because
(31:41):
I'm taking the time to say it slowly to make
sure you understand it. So I love that. Yeah, and
you know what you were describing on how nervous you get.
I just wonder what are your fears are your fears
that they can't handle it? Yeah, And then so if
you just like give them the best, best possible interpretation
(32:03):
that you can get them, the most generous interpretation, assume
they would rather know the truth than the pity of
you can't handle it, so I have to like give
it to you gently. There's something a little condescending about that, right,
And we don't mean it to be. I've done it
like that, And then I think, man, but that's not
how I would want to get the feedback. I would
just want to know, right, I love that the fact
(32:24):
I value you enough, I respect you enough, I have
enough faith and who you are and how you can
show up for me that I'm not going to condescend
or you know, spoon feeds you a thing that I
fully have trust you can handle. Wow, it's great. And
I don't mean it to criticize people or to say
that this is generally their pattern. I think we get
(32:46):
a lot of social scripts that say let them down easy,
protect their feelings. That really suggests they can't handle it.
Or if you've had some really hard relationships in the
past where people have not been able to handle it
at all, I get where you might be coming into
these conversations worried that that's going to happen again, and
(33:06):
then you say, Okay, is it going to happen again
or is it not? How are these situations similar or different?
And then you can hopefully get a little space from
that negative experience. Yeah, that's great, that's great. Before I
let you go, we have a segment called the Party Trick,
which is just a fun little something for our listeners
to take away at the end of an episode. And
(33:26):
so for this week's Party Trick, I would love if
you could give our listeners three tips, three things to
remember as we take one. Okay, first off, assume that
you are tired and that you are recovering from something
that you are still going through, so you're not going
to fix it, and a week that you are going
(33:48):
to need to really give yourself time to recover and heal.
So that's step one. Um, when you think about resolutions,
consider what is the best timing for these resolutions. And
this is where you have to be really honest with
yourself and say, am I just putting this off and
avoiding it because I'm good at finding excuses because I'm
scared about this? Or is it just a bad time
(34:09):
because I'm tired, right, and so being flexible there and adapting.
And then the third piece that I would say, what
we had spoken about earlier is our values are great
guiding forces. So if you are looking at one and
the ways that you want to change, let your values
guide the way. If it's about I value friendships and relationships,
(34:33):
then okay, let's figure out how you're doing well, what
you want to keep around, and what you want to add.
I love that, Jen. Can I call you Jen? Still?
You can talk to Hardy. We're on Jen terms. Yes,
I made it through the interview. Not enough of a
card carrying member of the asshole assembly? Do you have
(34:55):
to situation calling Jen doctor Hardy? That is my goal.
I'm knocked it out in gin. Thank you so much.
This is such an awesome conversation. If people want to
keep up with you, follow you, engage with you, where
can they? Where can they do that? Yeah? I do
most of my work on Instagram, so at you know,
ironically it is doctor Dr Jen Hardy, right, So I
(35:18):
don't think everyone on Instagram is an asshole just for
the letter, but just in case, you got to play
a little safer over there, you know, and this Jen
two ends yeah, yeah, okay. And then I have a
website website the same thing, www dot doctor Jen Hardy
dot com and you can get links to any kind
of podcasts that I've done like this one, or articles
(35:39):
that I've been quoted in. Awesome. Well, thank you so much, Jen,
Happy new year, wishing you all the best. I'm definitely
going to be taking a lot of your awesome advice
into this upcoming year and be once I appreciate your time. Yeah,
thank you so much for having me. It was great
to talk to you. Happy best. All right. I hope
you got some good take aways from my combo with
(36:01):
Jen as you take on twenty twenty one. Now, as
promised before I let you go, we've got our first
giveaway of the new year. It's another one hundred dollar
Amazon gift card. All you gotta do is leave a
five star rating and a quick written review of this
here hot happy mess. Okay, just whatever it is that
(36:24):
you're loving about the show so far, and in that review,
also drop a line telling me your one word for
one Okay, what do you want more of this year? Okay?
It could be anything, It could be consistency, that's my word.
It could be love, rest, guacamole, pizza. I do not care.
It is your world and we are living in it,
(36:46):
all right. Just post away. The giveaway ends Sunday, January
at eleven fifty nine pm Eastern Standard Time. So if
you're listening to this right now and it is not
that date or time yet, it ain't late, enter Okay, boom,
good luck, and I will see you next week. I'm
super excited to announce we have some really stellar one
(37:09):
on one guest that we are bringing to the podcast
in the next few months. You're gonna love them. And
more group chats coming soon. Okay. I know you guys
love the group chat. I love the group chat. They're
my real friends. So we are going to have more
group chats, especially as we kick off this love and
Relationship series. Y'all. You do not know how excited I
am that this is the next series. So it is
(37:30):
coming within these next few weeks here, and we're gonna
deep dive through January February, maybe in the March. I
don't even know. Because I just love this topic so
much and I know you all want to talk about it.
We're gonna get into the nitty gritty of all the
things love, sex, dating, marriage, not marriage. Okay, I'm losing
my words because I'm tired and I need to shut
up now. I said this one's gonna be short and sweet,
(37:52):
so that's what I'm gonna make it be. Good luck, God'spy,
May the Force be with you. Don't forget to enter
the giveaway, and I will see y'all next Monday. By
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