August 27, 2021 • 12 mins
Parenting is hard. Stepparenting is even harder. Dr. Saltz gives great advice to a new stepmom who’s trying to walk the tightrope between love and discipline, and old and new relationships.
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. It's very common to
marry a person who is divorced and has children from
their first marriage. In fact, it's now pretty common that
both of you are divorced and have kids from your
previous marriages. Blended families have a lot of moving parts,
(00:52):
and that can create complicated situations, but it also can
create a lot of love and joy. So today I'm
taking a question from a new step mom who doesn't
want to be considered a wicked step mom. Marriage itself
(01:14):
is hard yet rewarding. It takes a lot of hard
work to make it a good one. Adding children to
a marriage adds more complexity and can make it more stressful.
In fact, studies looking at happiness finds that couples may
(01:34):
lose a great deal of happiness upon first having children,
but over time the curve can grow back. So add
that the children are his and you are their stepmother,
and now you have a real tight rope to walk.
(01:55):
The wicked stepmother is infamous in fairy tales and movies
for a reason. No matter how much the kids like you,
or how wonderful you are, you still represent the hard
fact for them that they cannot live with their mom
and dad together. In addition, they may be very afraid
(02:21):
that their dad has replaced their mom with you. If
they like you, this will make them feel guilty because
they will feel disloyal to their mother, and they may
react by distancing themselves or trying not to like you.
You also represent the end of hopes that their parents
(02:45):
will reunite and life will go back to getting to
have both parents and less fear that they too could
stop being loved and be left, a fear that children
commonly have after their parents divorce. They may fear that
their father will love you more than them, and so
(03:08):
in that way they could lose him. It's helpful to
understand where children are coming from emotionally during this time,
so that when they start treating you like an unwelcome
interloper or someone that they hope to torture until you
want to leave, or even someone they hope to show
(03:30):
Dad was a big mistake. You won't take it personally
and react with a counter attack. You are in tricky
territory because mothers are usually the primary parent, yet in
this case, they have a mother and you are their stepmother,
(03:51):
So you need to think proactively about how to handle
these new relationships rather than waiting the problems to arise.
With this in mind, let's get to my listeners question
for today and ask how can I help? How can
(04:12):
I help? With Dr Gail Saltz will be back after
this short break. Dear Dr Saltz, I am recently married
to an amazing man who really makes me happy. He
(04:33):
was married before and has two children who are now
eight and ten years old. We have the kids every
other weekend and I really want to be a good
step mom, but I find it hard to figure out
what this means exactly, Like if one of them does
something that I think is really wrong and I think
(04:56):
I should correct them or discipline them, I'm kind of
nervous that this will make them not like me as
their stepmother, and that his ex wife will get angry
at me. And speak badly about me to the children,
and they will not be receptive to a relationship. How
should I handle misbehavior without ruining my chances of being
(05:19):
a stepmother with a good relationship with her stepchildren. Stepparenting
is trickier than parenting in the sense that you are
the new one in town. You are the one with
their dad, which by definition is somewhat sad for them.
Do no fault of your own or really anyone in
(05:44):
the cast of characters. They may be slow to warm
to you, however, because you are the replacement mom. This
means you do want and need to be more ginger,
more thoughtful and careful than otherwise when it comes to discipline. Ideally,
(06:06):
until you have a more solid base and trust with
the kids, your husband their biological dad, would take the
lead in discipline. Of course, he may not always be
around in the moment and therefore witness to every issue,
(06:26):
and I would advise it generally is not a good
idea to be the reporter who essentially tells on the
kids to him so he can discipline them. What's better
is to have an open conversation first with your husband
that in order for you to build a positive new relationship.
(06:49):
It's best if he takes a lead on any discipline,
but then also an open discussion with the children that
conveys the rules, and that if they break the rules,
that he is asking you to discipline in the same
way that he would, such that if you must, because
(07:12):
only you are there, that it is really you as
his proxy. After you've built a relationship, this might shift
where you can be making limits on your own because
there is already a base of love and trust. The
(07:34):
more that actually you are able to have open conversations
about how to handle the children with both your husband
and his ex, if at all possible as the biological mom,
the better it builds mutual respect, a way to be
on the same team when it comes to parenting, A
(07:57):
method of putting the needs of the children above and
central to your priorities of interacting All three or possibly
if she's remarried, four of you do want what's best
for these children, and that means all the parents, both
biological and step are loving, caring, and actively parenting in
(08:24):
the early days, placing more of an emphasis on listening
to them, being supportive, understanding that it is hard to
have your parents split up. Will all serve you well
in building your relationship with these children. Cheering for them
as they've worked through the challenges of their little lives,
(08:47):
being willing to play together with them, laugh together, encourage
their interests. Your husband needs to understand that in the
short run, your being the heavy will not help him
in the long run. If the kids see you as
the new punishing parents now, they may, because you are
(09:11):
the new kid in town, test the waters and see
if they can bowl you over. You do want to
have limits, because testing you and succeeding too much isn't
good for your relationship. Either you can and should say
no or hey, you're crossing the line when you need
(09:35):
to to aid in this again. Their father should let
them know directly he wants the same respect for you
as a person with feelings as they have for him.
His saying so directly will be a help. I hope
(09:57):
that was helpful. Here important things to consider first, if
you're a new stepparent, don't force the relationship. You can't
make them love you. Relationships take time to develop. If
you seem desperate for their affection, this will likely turn
(10:20):
them off. Try to let them come to you at
their own pace. Next, make yourself very available, being around
for times to talk to you if they want to.
Just hanging out to watch TV or go food shopping
(10:41):
can be the very times they find to warm up
to you. If you don't have biological children, then make
an effort to learn about children's development, in particular about
the ages of your stepchildren and what you can expect
from them. You can read about it in parenting books,
(11:01):
are going to parenting lectures, or even talking to friends
who do have children. Next, if you have your own
children too, make sure to spend independent time alone with
both your own children and your stepchildren so that your
biological children do not feel pushed out and threatened, and
(11:25):
your step children feel there is space for them with
you as well. This will help you in not setting
up tremendous rivalry in the house between your children biologically
and your stepchildren, something that will make life better for
all of you. Do not criticize your stepchildren's biological mother,
(11:50):
no matter how angry she makes you or how tough
she can be. These children need to maintain their own
relationship with are and feel that they have a good
biological mother, and they will feel hurt and angry if
you speak badly of their mother. Get on the same
(12:13):
page with dad about discipline and privileges. Sit down and
compromise until you have some meeting ground about the basic
rules for the kids. If you are inconsistent, they will
play you off one another and it will cause discord
between both you and your spouse. Do you have a
(12:36):
problem I can help with? If so, email me at
How can I help? At Seneca Women dot com. All
centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too. How can
I help with me? Dr Gail's Salts
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. It's very common to
marry a person who is divorced and has children from
their first marriage. In fact, it's now pretty common that
both of you are divorced and have kids from your
previous marriages. Blended families have a lot of moving parts,
(00:52):
and that can create complicated situations, but it also can
create a lot of love and joy. So today I'm
taking a question from a new step mom who doesn't
want to be considered a wicked step mom. Marriage itself
(01:14):
is hard yet rewarding. It takes a lot of hard
work to make it a good one. Adding children to
a marriage adds more complexity and can make it more stressful.
In fact, studies looking at happiness finds that couples may
(01:34):
lose a great deal of happiness upon first having children,
but over time the curve can grow back. So add
that the children are his and you are their stepmother,
and now you have a real tight rope to walk.
(01:55):
The wicked stepmother is infamous in fairy tales and movies
for a reason. No matter how much the kids like you,
or how wonderful you are, you still represent the hard
fact for them that they cannot live with their mom
and dad together. In addition, they may be very afraid
(02:21):
that their dad has replaced their mom with you. If
they like you, this will make them feel guilty because
they will feel disloyal to their mother, and they may
react by distancing themselves or trying not to like you.
You also represent the end of hopes that their parents
(02:45):
will reunite and life will go back to getting to
have both parents and less fear that they too could
stop being loved and be left, a fear that children
commonly have after their parents divorce. They may fear that
their father will love you more than them, and so
(03:08):
in that way they could lose him. It's helpful to
understand where children are coming from emotionally during this time,
so that when they start treating you like an unwelcome
interloper or someone that they hope to torture until you
want to leave, or even someone they hope to show
(03:30):
Dad was a big mistake. You won't take it personally
and react with a counter attack. You are in tricky
territory because mothers are usually the primary parent, yet in
this case, they have a mother and you are their stepmother,
(03:51):
So you need to think proactively about how to handle
these new relationships rather than waiting the problems to arise.
With this in mind, let's get to my listeners question
for today and ask how can I help? How can
(04:12):
I help? With Dr Gail Saltz will be back after
this short break. Dear Dr Saltz, I am recently married
to an amazing man who really makes me happy. He
(04:33):
was married before and has two children who are now
eight and ten years old. We have the kids every
other weekend and I really want to be a good
step mom, but I find it hard to figure out
what this means exactly, Like if one of them does
something that I think is really wrong and I think
(04:56):
I should correct them or discipline them, I'm kind of
nervous that this will make them not like me as
their stepmother, and that his ex wife will get angry
at me. And speak badly about me to the children,
and they will not be receptive to a relationship. How
should I handle misbehavior without ruining my chances of being
(05:19):
a stepmother with a good relationship with her stepchildren. Stepparenting
is trickier than parenting in the sense that you are
the new one in town. You are the one with
their dad, which by definition is somewhat sad for them.
Do no fault of your own or really anyone in
(05:44):
the cast of characters. They may be slow to warm
to you, however, because you are the replacement mom. This
means you do want and need to be more ginger,
more thoughtful and careful than otherwise when it comes to discipline. Ideally,
(06:06):
until you have a more solid base and trust with
the kids, your husband their biological dad, would take the
lead in discipline. Of course, he may not always be
around in the moment and therefore witness to every issue,
(06:26):
and I would advise it generally is not a good
idea to be the reporter who essentially tells on the
kids to him so he can discipline them. What's better
is to have an open conversation first with your husband
that in order for you to build a positive new relationship.
(06:49):
It's best if he takes a lead on any discipline,
but then also an open discussion with the children that
conveys the rules, and that if they break the rules,
that he is asking you to discipline in the same
way that he would, such that if you must, because
(07:12):
only you are there, that it is really you as
his proxy. After you've built a relationship, this might shift
where you can be making limits on your own because
there is already a base of love and trust. The
(07:34):
more that actually you are able to have open conversations
about how to handle the children with both your husband
and his ex, if at all possible as the biological mom,
the better it builds mutual respect, a way to be
on the same team when it comes to parenting, A
(07:57):
method of putting the needs of the children above and
central to your priorities of interacting All three or possibly
if she's remarried, four of you do want what's best
for these children, and that means all the parents, both
biological and step are loving, caring, and actively parenting in
(08:24):
the early days, placing more of an emphasis on listening
to them, being supportive, understanding that it is hard to
have your parents split up. Will all serve you well
in building your relationship with these children. Cheering for them
as they've worked through the challenges of their little lives,
(08:47):
being willing to play together with them, laugh together, encourage
their interests. Your husband needs to understand that in the
short run, your being the heavy will not help him
in the long run. If the kids see you as
the new punishing parents now, they may, because you are
(09:11):
the new kid in town, test the waters and see
if they can bowl you over. You do want to
have limits, because testing you and succeeding too much isn't
good for your relationship. Either you can and should say
no or hey, you're crossing the line when you need
(09:35):
to to aid in this again. Their father should let
them know directly he wants the same respect for you
as a person with feelings as they have for him.
His saying so directly will be a help. I hope
(09:57):
that was helpful. Here important things to consider first, if
you're a new stepparent, don't force the relationship. You can't
make them love you. Relationships take time to develop. If
you seem desperate for their affection, this will likely turn
(10:20):
them off. Try to let them come to you at
their own pace. Next, make yourself very available, being around
for times to talk to you if they want to.
Just hanging out to watch TV or go food shopping
(10:41):
can be the very times they find to warm up
to you. If you don't have biological children, then make
an effort to learn about children's development, in particular about
the ages of your stepchildren and what you can expect
from them. You can read about it in parenting books,
(11:01):
are going to parenting lectures, or even talking to friends
who do have children. Next, if you have your own
children too, make sure to spend independent time alone with
both your own children and your stepchildren so that your
biological children do not feel pushed out and threatened, and
(11:25):
your step children feel there is space for them with
you as well. This will help you in not setting
up tremendous rivalry in the house between your children biologically
and your stepchildren, something that will make life better for
all of you. Do not criticize your stepchildren's biological mother,
(11:50):
no matter how angry she makes you or how tough
she can be. These children need to maintain their own
relationship with are and feel that they have a good
biological mother, and they will feel hurt and angry if
you speak badly of their mother. Get on the same
(12:13):
page with dad about discipline and privileges. Sit down and
compromise until you have some meeting ground about the basic
rules for the kids. If you are inconsistent, they will
play you off one another and it will cause discord
between both you and your spouse. Do you have a
(12:36):
problem I can help with? If so, email me at
How can I help? At Seneca Women dot com. All
centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too. How can
I help with me? Dr Gail's Salts
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Therapy Gecko
An unlicensed lizard psychologist travels the universe talking to strangers about absolutely nothing. TO CALL THE GECKO: follow me on https://www.twitch.tv/lyleforever to get a notification for when I am taking calls. I am usually live Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but lately a lot of other times too. I am a gecko.