October 20, 2023 • 14 mins
How to cope—and keep your sanity—when your spouse’s mom tries to take over Thanksgiving, Christmas or any other festivity.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, the psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. The holidays are viewed
as time for family togetherness and closeness. But what if
your mother in law always plants herself at your home
for two weeks where she takes control of everything holiday
related and constantly criticizes your every move, including your parenting.
(00:52):
What if she feeds the kid's constant candy and brings
them inappropriate and overdone gifts, or instead come with the
expectation of constant entertainment and being waited on. Then there
are the in laws who always insist you come to them,
and while you really want to be with family, the
(01:12):
packing up, traveling and living in their house with your
kids is really murder. What can you do to ease
the tension of the holidays with your in laws? Today?
I am answering a question from a listener who is
dreading dealing with her mother in law as the holidays approach.
(01:35):
Dealing with the in laws during the holidays can be
challenging for several reasons, and these challenges may vary depending
on your specific circumstances and the dynamics within your family,
but here are some common reasons why it can be difficult.
Having different expectations. Your in laws may have different holiday traditions, customs,
(01:57):
and expectations than your own family of origins. These differences
can lead to misunderstandings and disagreements about how the holidays
should be celebrated. Family dynamics they can be complex, and
issues that have existed for a long time may resurface
(02:17):
during the holidays, which can include past conflicts with them,
unresolved issues, or just longstanding tensions. Pressure and stress. The holidays,
as cheery as they can be, often come with a
lot of pressure to create the perfect celebration, and this
(02:38):
pressure can be intensified when you're trying to please multiple
sets of in laws or navigate multiple family traditions. The
lack of control. When you're celebrating the holiday with your
in laws, you have less control over the planning and
decision making, which can be frustrating if you're used to
(02:59):
having more say in your own family celebrations. Personality clashes.
Not everyone gets along perfectly with their in laws due
to differences in personalities, in values, just even interests. These
clashes can become more pronounced during the extended periods of
time that are often spent together during the holidays and
(03:24):
expectations versus reality. There's often a gap between the idealized
image of the holidays and the reality of the holidays.
If you have unrealistic expectations of how the holidays should
go with your in laws, it can lead to a
lot of disappointment and frustration. So with that, let's get
(03:49):
to my listener's question and ask how can I help,
Dear doctor soughts. We have three children under the age
of six, and life is crazy, strenuous and stressful as
is as Thanksgiving is approaching. My mother in law is
saying she wants to do it, even though honestly, even
(04:13):
with the kids, I'd really prefer to do it so
we don't have to travel with everyone. In addition, she
is asking us to stay with them Wednesday through Sunday,
which sounds like torture because managing the kids at their
house is really really hard. We are not on home
turf with everyone's stuff. My mother in law expects to
(04:37):
do a few fun things with them, and otherwise my
husband and I are supposed to do everything to keep
them entertained, clean and fed, and we are all really
packed in tight together. And I find the stress of
it just very hard to manage and to manage everybody's feelings.
(04:58):
I feel if I say no, oh, it's going to
cause hard feelings, and if I say yes, it will
also cause hard feelings just from different issues. I really
don't know what to do. Can you help? The struggle
to maintain your family relationships and your responsibility to yourself
(05:20):
to maintain your own emotional boundaries can and often does
prove tricky. Key in all this is how well, how honestly,
and how often you communicate your reality and are willing
to listen to hers. It would also be great and
even easier if your partner is included in all of
(05:44):
this communicating, given its their mother and your partner and
the other parent who is hopefully able to see exactly
what you're talking about in keeping with your expressed feelings. Generally,
advise people when it comes to emotionally charged holidays that
(06:05):
less is more. Having a wonderful visit for a shorter
and therefore containable amount of time that is therefore less
stressful and by extension, more enjoyable, even if it leaves
them wanting for more, is the better way to go.
This is likely a better choice than telling your mother
(06:27):
in law she has to do much more to care
for the kids if she hopes to keep you all there.
Given you have said, she doesn't already freely do that,
and it's likely to build resentment on her part if
you ask, and she probably really won't do it, and
therefore it will result in major resentment on your part.
(06:52):
You can ask for more, but expect not a lot more,
as it's hard for grandparents to substantially change their stripe.
This will leave you quietly seething, and the visit will
likely go downhill even more. Rather than blaming her, it
would be better to present a united front, meaning get
(07:15):
your partner in here on this discussion, to say that
one or two overnights is really all that is manageable
with the kids at this point in time. Then you
can ask her so she feels she is having some input,
which one or two nights she prefers of this long weekend.
(07:36):
You can, of course alternatively invite them to your house
with the same understanding of one or two nights, as
it's hard to host as well with a house full
of little ones. Think about how to offload work. This
means things like making it a potluck style where each
(07:56):
of you brings things, ordering something in, minimizing the number
of dishes served. Do whatever you can to decrease the
workload so that you aren't so haired you can't enjoy anything.
It is entirely possible to assert your needs at the
same time as you are nice and loving. Being kind
(08:21):
will encourage your mother in law to do the same.
Stay focused on the fun things you can and will
do together in the time you do spend together. If
you go there, bring her flowers or, better yet, ask
the kids to make her something, a card, a drawing,
anything that shows they and you are thinking of her.
(08:46):
It's much easier to keep up with the kindness for
twenty four to forty eight hours as opposed to four
to five days. Tell her if the kids don't melt down,
then it will be easier to do more frequently than
if it all blows up. Try to settle this with
her well ahead of the holiday. It gives it time
(09:10):
to either get over or work through with more discussion
before the actual holiday arrives, so that everyone can have
moved on and into enjoying the days you do have together.
Be back in a moment with suggestions to make the
holiday negotiations go smoother. Back with some further suggestions when
(09:44):
it comes to dealing with your in laws for the holidays. First,
pick off times to travel and celebrate. Traveling at peak
times for either of you or your in laws will
cause lots of tension and so subsequent crankiness in everyone.
You are really just setting yourselves up for disaster. So
(10:06):
pick off the days to travel and be together, even
if it means not celebrating Thanksgiving Day with them, but
instead the day after. Having it be more relaxed will
be more important in the long run than the specific day. Again,
less is more set up the number of days you
(10:29):
think you can all tolerate in a good way being
under the same roof, and then stick to it. Tell
them this is what will work. It's better to end
wanting more time together than to feel like you want
to throw them out. Be assertive. You are an adult
(10:51):
now and should be treated as such. If something is
going on that you really are uncomfortable with, like your
mother in law wants to spank your child and you
don't do that, then remain firm in your rules. Kids
may really need their usual schedules, especially when traveling, so
(11:12):
despite what the in laws say, for example, no, they
don't need a nap, or I'll have them nap at
this hour. Instead, you stick to your schedule. Decide what
matters when it comes to health, safety, and basic family values.
(11:34):
Then you really need to hold your ground. However, these
family relationships really are important, so try to compromise on
the other stuff. Let them do some things their way
to show them you respect them too. Just stick to
the stuff that is really about safety and health and
(11:57):
really core values. Work out disagreements ahead of time if
trouble is brewing, make sure to hash it out on
the phone. If you know an argument's coming several weeks before,
say hey, can we chat do this before they come
to avoid a blow up over the holiday. Grandparents and
(12:22):
in laws are really valuable relationships, so try to keep
up in between the holidays so that resentments and hurts
don't build up in between, and then there's not too
much expectation being placed on the holiday get together as themselves.
Think about the importance of communication. Open and honest communication
(12:44):
really is key. Talk to your spouse about your expectations
and your concerns and encourage them to do the same
with their families. Be willing to compromise and find middle
ground when it comes to holiday traditions and plans. You
don't all come from the same place. You do have
(13:07):
to take turns and do some compromises, and then set boundaries,
clear boundaries to protect your own wellbeing and sanity. It's
okay to say no to certain obligations or activities if
they become overwhelming. Focus on the positive the aspects of
(13:29):
spending time with your in laws, such as creating cherished
memories or strengthening your relationship, and think about creating new traditions,
like a new holiday tradition with your spouse and in
laws that reflect something of both your backgrounds and both
of your values and practice patients, which can go a
(13:52):
long way in diffusing tense situations. If conflicts arise, stop,
take a step back, breathe, and try to address them calmly.
Even if that means later, so that you can be
more constructive. Remember, building positive relationships with your in laws
(14:13):
takes time, and it takes effort, and it's normal to
encounter challenges along the way. Approaching the holidays with understanding, flexibility,
and a willingness to work through difficulties can make the
experience more manageable and enjoyable for everyone involved. Do you
(14:35):
have a problem I can help with? If so, email
me at how Can I Help? At senecawomen dot com.
All centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday to how
can I Help with me? Doctor Gale's Salts
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, the psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. The holidays are viewed
as time for family togetherness and closeness. But what if
your mother in law always plants herself at your home
for two weeks where she takes control of everything holiday
related and constantly criticizes your every move, including your parenting.
(00:52):
What if she feeds the kid's constant candy and brings
them inappropriate and overdone gifts, or instead come with the
expectation of constant entertainment and being waited on. Then there
are the in laws who always insist you come to them,
and while you really want to be with family, the
(01:12):
packing up, traveling and living in their house with your
kids is really murder. What can you do to ease
the tension of the holidays with your in laws? Today?
I am answering a question from a listener who is
dreading dealing with her mother in law as the holidays approach.
(01:35):
Dealing with the in laws during the holidays can be
challenging for several reasons, and these challenges may vary depending
on your specific circumstances and the dynamics within your family,
but here are some common reasons why it can be difficult.
Having different expectations. Your in laws may have different holiday traditions, customs,
(01:57):
and expectations than your own family of origins. These differences
can lead to misunderstandings and disagreements about how the holidays
should be celebrated. Family dynamics they can be complex, and
issues that have existed for a long time may resurface
(02:17):
during the holidays, which can include past conflicts with them,
unresolved issues, or just longstanding tensions. Pressure and stress. The holidays,
as cheery as they can be, often come with a
lot of pressure to create the perfect celebration, and this
(02:38):
pressure can be intensified when you're trying to please multiple
sets of in laws or navigate multiple family traditions. The
lack of control. When you're celebrating the holiday with your
in laws, you have less control over the planning and
decision making, which can be frustrating if you're used to
(02:59):
having more say in your own family celebrations. Personality clashes.
Not everyone gets along perfectly with their in laws due
to differences in personalities, in values, just even interests. These
clashes can become more pronounced during the extended periods of
time that are often spent together during the holidays and
(03:24):
expectations versus reality. There's often a gap between the idealized
image of the holidays and the reality of the holidays.
If you have unrealistic expectations of how the holidays should
go with your in laws, it can lead to a
lot of disappointment and frustration. So with that, let's get
(03:49):
to my listener's question and ask how can I help,
Dear doctor soughts. We have three children under the age
of six, and life is crazy, strenuous and stressful as
is as Thanksgiving is approaching. My mother in law is
saying she wants to do it, even though honestly, even
(04:13):
with the kids, I'd really prefer to do it so
we don't have to travel with everyone. In addition, she
is asking us to stay with them Wednesday through Sunday,
which sounds like torture because managing the kids at their
house is really really hard. We are not on home
turf with everyone's stuff. My mother in law expects to
(04:37):
do a few fun things with them, and otherwise my
husband and I are supposed to do everything to keep
them entertained, clean and fed, and we are all really
packed in tight together. And I find the stress of
it just very hard to manage and to manage everybody's feelings.
(04:58):
I feel if I say no, oh, it's going to
cause hard feelings, and if I say yes, it will
also cause hard feelings just from different issues. I really
don't know what to do. Can you help? The struggle
to maintain your family relationships and your responsibility to yourself
(05:20):
to maintain your own emotional boundaries can and often does
prove tricky. Key in all this is how well, how honestly,
and how often you communicate your reality and are willing
to listen to hers. It would also be great and
even easier if your partner is included in all of
(05:44):
this communicating, given its their mother and your partner and
the other parent who is hopefully able to see exactly
what you're talking about in keeping with your expressed feelings. Generally,
advise people when it comes to emotionally charged holidays that
(06:05):
less is more. Having a wonderful visit for a shorter
and therefore containable amount of time that is therefore less
stressful and by extension, more enjoyable, even if it leaves
them wanting for more, is the better way to go.
This is likely a better choice than telling your mother
(06:27):
in law she has to do much more to care
for the kids if she hopes to keep you all there.
Given you have said, she doesn't already freely do that,
and it's likely to build resentment on her part if
you ask, and she probably really won't do it, and
therefore it will result in major resentment on your part.
(06:52):
You can ask for more, but expect not a lot more,
as it's hard for grandparents to substantially change their stripe.
This will leave you quietly seething, and the visit will
likely go downhill even more. Rather than blaming her, it
would be better to present a united front, meaning get
(07:15):
your partner in here on this discussion, to say that
one or two overnights is really all that is manageable
with the kids at this point in time. Then you
can ask her so she feels she is having some input,
which one or two nights she prefers of this long weekend.
(07:36):
You can, of course alternatively invite them to your house
with the same understanding of one or two nights, as
it's hard to host as well with a house full
of little ones. Think about how to offload work. This
means things like making it a potluck style where each
(07:56):
of you brings things, ordering something in, minimizing the number
of dishes served. Do whatever you can to decrease the
workload so that you aren't so haired you can't enjoy anything.
It is entirely possible to assert your needs at the
same time as you are nice and loving. Being kind
(08:21):
will encourage your mother in law to do the same.
Stay focused on the fun things you can and will
do together in the time you do spend together. If
you go there, bring her flowers or, better yet, ask
the kids to make her something, a card, a drawing,
anything that shows they and you are thinking of her.
(08:46):
It's much easier to keep up with the kindness for
twenty four to forty eight hours as opposed to four
to five days. Tell her if the kids don't melt down,
then it will be easier to do more frequently than
if it all blows up. Try to settle this with
her well ahead of the holiday. It gives it time
(09:10):
to either get over or work through with more discussion
before the actual holiday arrives, so that everyone can have
moved on and into enjoying the days you do have together.
Be back in a moment with suggestions to make the
holiday negotiations go smoother. Back with some further suggestions when
(09:44):
it comes to dealing with your in laws for the holidays. First,
pick off times to travel and celebrate. Traveling at peak
times for either of you or your in laws will
cause lots of tension and so subsequent crankiness in everyone.
You are really just setting yourselves up for disaster. So
(10:06):
pick off the days to travel and be together, even
if it means not celebrating Thanksgiving Day with them, but
instead the day after. Having it be more relaxed will
be more important in the long run than the specific day. Again,
less is more set up the number of days you
(10:29):
think you can all tolerate in a good way being
under the same roof, and then stick to it. Tell
them this is what will work. It's better to end
wanting more time together than to feel like you want
to throw them out. Be assertive. You are an adult
(10:51):
now and should be treated as such. If something is
going on that you really are uncomfortable with, like your
mother in law wants to spank your child and you
don't do that, then remain firm in your rules. Kids
may really need their usual schedules, especially when traveling, so
(11:12):
despite what the in laws say, for example, no, they
don't need a nap, or I'll have them nap at
this hour. Instead, you stick to your schedule. Decide what
matters when it comes to health, safety, and basic family values.
(11:34):
Then you really need to hold your ground. However, these
family relationships really are important, so try to compromise on
the other stuff. Let them do some things their way
to show them you respect them too. Just stick to
the stuff that is really about safety and health and
(11:57):
really core values. Work out disagreements ahead of time if
trouble is brewing, make sure to hash it out on
the phone. If you know an argument's coming several weeks before,
say hey, can we chat do this before they come
to avoid a blow up over the holiday. Grandparents and
(12:22):
in laws are really valuable relationships, so try to keep
up in between the holidays so that resentments and hurts
don't build up in between, and then there's not too
much expectation being placed on the holiday get together as themselves.
Think about the importance of communication. Open and honest communication
(12:44):
really is key. Talk to your spouse about your expectations
and your concerns and encourage them to do the same
with their families. Be willing to compromise and find middle
ground when it comes to holiday traditions and plans. You
don't all come from the same place. You do have
(13:07):
to take turns and do some compromises, and then set boundaries,
clear boundaries to protect your own wellbeing and sanity. It's
okay to say no to certain obligations or activities if
they become overwhelming. Focus on the positive the aspects of
(13:29):
spending time with your in laws, such as creating cherished
memories or strengthening your relationship, and think about creating new traditions,
like a new holiday tradition with your spouse and in
laws that reflect something of both your backgrounds and both
of your values and practice patients, which can go a
(13:52):
long way in diffusing tense situations. If conflicts arise, stop,
take a step back, breathe, and try to address them calmly.
Even if that means later, so that you can be
more constructive. Remember, building positive relationships with your in laws
(14:13):
takes time, and it takes effort, and it's normal to
encounter challenges along the way. Approaching the holidays with understanding, flexibility,
and a willingness to work through difficulties can make the
experience more manageable and enjoyable for everyone involved. Do you
(14:35):
have a problem I can help with? If so, email
me at how Can I Help? At senecawomen dot com.
All centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday to how
can I Help with me? Doctor Gale's Salts
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