January 12, 2024 • 13 mins
A listener’s boyfriend wanted her to make a joint resolution with him: They would each vow to lose 10 pounds in 2024. Dr. Saltz reveals why that type of resolution is doomed to failure—and tells what does work when you’re plotting new goals for the new year.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, the psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. It's that time of
year many people are wondering should I have set a
New Year's resolution? And if I want to, what kind
and how will I actually do this thing and actually
make it work. Today's listener has a question about their
(00:51):
new Year's resolution. The best New Year's resolutions are those
that are realistic, therefore achievable, and mostly that are personally meaningful.
There are a bunch of categories of resolutions that people
do tend to find most beneficial to their lives in general.
(01:12):
Probably top of the list is health and fitness. For example,
I'm going to exercise regularly or eat a balanced diet.
Now I'm going to get enough sleep. I'm going to
find methods to reduce my stress. I'll quit smoking, I'll
limit my alcohol intake. But people often turn to personal
(01:32):
development as a category, like learning a new skill or hobby.
Maybe they want to take a course, maybe they want
to figure out how to have better time management. Some
people get much more concrete about it and choose something
like a career goal or an educational goal, like pursuing
(01:53):
professional development in some way, or furthering their education. They
might choose a financial goal, very practical, a way to
save money, create a budget, reduce their debt, perhaps creating
an emergency fund. I know of many that choose relationships,
which is a worthy goal. How can they strengthen their
(02:14):
relationship in the new year, or spend more quality time
with their family or friends. I also, of course teach
people things about how to have in resolution on mindfulness
and well being, like practicing meditation in the new year,
focusing on their mental health, cultivating a positive mindset. And
(02:36):
then there are people who think this is a good
time to think about giving back, which I'm all for,
and actually giving back is really good for your mental health.
So something like volunteering, contributing to a charitable cause, finding
some way to give a positive impact to your community.
(02:57):
Others think about things like decluttering their space, some method
of organization, productivity, that's on a personal project or a
way of maintaining a regular and efficient routine. You might
think about a hobby, setting a time, or a creative
(03:17):
pursuit like knitting or art or writing music. And a
lot of people are thinking about travel a new place.
They could explore a way to step out of their
usual comfort zone and have some experience of a new
culture or a new environment. Whatever you would pick, I
(03:40):
do advise that you pick something really personally meaningful to you.
If it's just meaningful to someone else in your life,
you are far less likely to be able to maintain
any sort of behavioral change. So with that, let's get
to my listener's question and ask I help, Dear Doctor Saltz.
(04:04):
My boyfriend has suggested we make New Year's resolutions together
to lose ten pounds. I know that he would like
us both to lose a little weight, because he's mentioned it,
but personally I'm not really unhappy with my weight or
his weight for that matter. Sure, I know I could
afford to lose a little, but to be honest, I
(04:27):
don't care that much and it's not worth the struggle.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
To me. I'm not unhealthily overweight, just a little chunky,
and I'm fine with that. I'd rather have a resolution
to be better at budgeting my money or to learn
something new like crocheting. However, it is sweet he came
up with something we can do together, and so maybe
(04:51):
I should be amenable to working on this with him.
I'm not sure what I think. Can you weigh in?
Is its pill or is it a way for him
to get you to do what he wants. Because if
it's the latter, you and he are probably being set
up for failure and for resentment, and this would not
(05:14):
only likely not work, it could harm your relationship. The
resolutions that tend to work are those that are personally
meaningful to you. If you are happy with your weight,
and the only motivation to do this is because he'd
like you to lose a little weight, that it may
(05:34):
not really provide enough internal meaningful motivation. The other reason
is that, in my experience, when it's a partner who
wants you to lose weight purely for appearance's sake, not
for health, life and death circumstances, it tends not only
to not work, but to drive insecurity and hurt. Even
(05:58):
if he also plans to lose weight, it's one thing.
When couples both feel they'd like to lose weight, and
they help each other along the path, this can work
really well, but when only one of you wants the
other to, not so well, because the more insecure the
person working at weight loss becomes, the more stress they become,
(06:22):
and the less will power therefore to work at anything
they're able to sustain. In fact, I've watched this backfire
with the intended weight loser gaining weight and then everyone
is upset. If you have really asked yourself, would I
be willing to work to lose weight and the answer
(06:43):
is not really, then I would explain to your partner
that this just isn't a big motivator for you, and
you'd support them if that's something they really want for themselves,
but you'd like to choose something more personally meaningful to
you and then just do that. You two don't have
(07:03):
to have the same goals and a resolution. If this
was your partner's way though, of telling you that there
is a problem, you are much better off hearing about
and then discussing that problem, whatever it may be. And
after that you may or may not want to change
something about yourself, but it should either way, be something
(07:27):
you truly feel motivated to change because you truly feel
it will benefit you, and take ownership of that desire.
I hope that was helpful. Back in a moment with
keeping your resolutions, tips back with suggestions to maintain that resolution.
(07:58):
When setting resolutions, it's crucial to tailor them to your
individual preferences and circumstances. Consider what matters most to you
and what changes will have a positive impact on your life. Additionally,
breaking larger goals into smaller ones, more manageable steps increases
(08:19):
the likelihood of success. Remember that the key to successful
resolutions is not only in setting them, but also in
creating a plan, in staying motivated and adapting the plan
as needed. Regularly assess your progress and adjust your resolutions
(08:39):
to align with your evolving priorities and with your current
life circumstances. Keeping a New Year's resolution can be challenging,
but with the right approach and mindset, you can increase
your chances of success. Here are some tips to help
you stick to your resolution. First, set realistic goals. Make
(09:03):
sure that your resolutions are something that's achievable and realistic,
because setting overly ambitious, unrealistic goals is nothing but discouraging.
Then prioritize by focusing on a few resolutions, rather than
spreading yourself too thin, pick a thing. This allows you
(09:25):
to concentrate your efforts and increase the likelihood of success.
Be specific about your goal instead of vague resolutions like
I'm going to be healthier in the new year. Break
your goal into specific, measurable, achievable, and relevant but time
(09:46):
bound objectives. Next, create a plan. Develop your step by
step plan outlining how you're going to achieve this resolution.
Breaking down a larger goal into smaller and manageable tasks
that can make it more achievable. Track your progress, so
(10:08):
for example, keeping a journal or using an app to
track yourself by regularly reviewing your achievements, which in itself
is motivating and helps you stay the course. Celebrate any
milestones you accomplish By celebrating your successes along the way.
It's reinforcement that boosts your motivation and keeps you focused
(10:32):
on going forward. Try to stay flexible because life is
unpredictable and an obstacle could pop up, and if you
encounter a setback, that's okay. Just adjust your plan rather
than giving it up entirely. Try to build in a
support system. If you share your resolution with a friend
(10:56):
or family member or even a support group, will allow
you to share your success and your challenges, which helps
you get more motivation and encouragement as you go, but
also helps keep you honest if you're cheating, visualize your success,
(11:17):
imagine yourself achieving this goal. This is actually a powerful
tool to help keep you motivated and stay focused. If
you have a setback, learn from it, because setbacks are
actually learning opportunities. So what went wrong? What in my
approach wasn't working? How can I change my approach so
(11:40):
that I don't repeat that? And then that will help
you move forward with renewed determination. You're trying to, basically,
for the most part, establish some new habit. So focusing
on building positive habits that fit with that resolution is
(12:00):
really what helps you to make a permanent change for
the future. And you have to know that changing anything
takes time, so be patient. Don't let discouragement get in
your way, don't make yourself have immediate results or you're out.
Stay patient and committed to the long term goal, and
(12:23):
then along the way, reassess and readjust as circumstances change.
Your goals may need to be modified to remain realistic
and achievable. New Year's resolutions are a year long commitment,
and success often comes from the sustained effort and dedication,
(12:46):
so always remember to be kind to yourself, stay focused
on those objectives, and celebrate any progress you make along
the way. Do you have a problem I can help with?
If so, email me at how Can I Help? At
Seneca women dot com. All centers remain anonymous and listen
(13:07):
every Friday to how can I Help with Me? Doctor
Gale Saltz
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, the psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. It's that time of
year many people are wondering should I have set a
New Year's resolution? And if I want to, what kind
and how will I actually do this thing and actually
make it work. Today's listener has a question about their
(00:51):
new Year's resolution. The best New Year's resolutions are those
that are realistic, therefore achievable, and mostly that are personally meaningful.
There are a bunch of categories of resolutions that people
do tend to find most beneficial to their lives in general.
(01:12):
Probably top of the list is health and fitness. For example,
I'm going to exercise regularly or eat a balanced diet.
Now I'm going to get enough sleep. I'm going to
find methods to reduce my stress. I'll quit smoking, I'll
limit my alcohol intake. But people often turn to personal
(01:32):
development as a category, like learning a new skill or hobby.
Maybe they want to take a course, maybe they want
to figure out how to have better time management. Some
people get much more concrete about it and choose something
like a career goal or an educational goal, like pursuing
(01:53):
professional development in some way, or furthering their education. They
might choose a financial goal, very practical, a way to
save money, create a budget, reduce their debt, perhaps creating
an emergency fund. I know of many that choose relationships,
which is a worthy goal. How can they strengthen their
(02:14):
relationship in the new year, or spend more quality time
with their family or friends. I also, of course teach
people things about how to have in resolution on mindfulness
and well being, like practicing meditation in the new year,
focusing on their mental health, cultivating a positive mindset. And
(02:36):
then there are people who think this is a good
time to think about giving back, which I'm all for,
and actually giving back is really good for your mental health.
So something like volunteering, contributing to a charitable cause, finding
some way to give a positive impact to your community.
(02:57):
Others think about things like decluttering their space, some method
of organization, productivity, that's on a personal project or a
way of maintaining a regular and efficient routine. You might
think about a hobby, setting a time, or a creative
(03:17):
pursuit like knitting or art or writing music. And a
lot of people are thinking about travel a new place.
They could explore a way to step out of their
usual comfort zone and have some experience of a new
culture or a new environment. Whatever you would pick, I
(03:40):
do advise that you pick something really personally meaningful to you.
If it's just meaningful to someone else in your life,
you are far less likely to be able to maintain
any sort of behavioral change. So with that, let's get
to my listener's question and ask I help, Dear Doctor Saltz.
(04:04):
My boyfriend has suggested we make New Year's resolutions together
to lose ten pounds. I know that he would like
us both to lose a little weight, because he's mentioned it,
but personally I'm not really unhappy with my weight or
his weight for that matter. Sure, I know I could
afford to lose a little, but to be honest, I
(04:27):
don't care that much and it's not worth the struggle.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
To me. I'm not unhealthily overweight, just a little chunky,
and I'm fine with that. I'd rather have a resolution
to be better at budgeting my money or to learn
something new like crocheting. However, it is sweet he came
up with something we can do together, and so maybe
(04:51):
I should be amenable to working on this with him.
I'm not sure what I think. Can you weigh in?
Is its pill or is it a way for him
to get you to do what he wants. Because if
it's the latter, you and he are probably being set
up for failure and for resentment, and this would not
(05:14):
only likely not work, it could harm your relationship. The
resolutions that tend to work are those that are personally
meaningful to you. If you are happy with your weight,
and the only motivation to do this is because he'd
like you to lose a little weight, that it may
(05:34):
not really provide enough internal meaningful motivation. The other reason
is that, in my experience, when it's a partner who
wants you to lose weight purely for appearance's sake, not
for health, life and death circumstances, it tends not only
to not work, but to drive insecurity and hurt. Even
(05:58):
if he also plans to lose weight, it's one thing.
When couples both feel they'd like to lose weight, and
they help each other along the path, this can work
really well, but when only one of you wants the
other to, not so well, because the more insecure the
person working at weight loss becomes, the more stress they become,
(06:22):
and the less will power therefore to work at anything
they're able to sustain. In fact, I've watched this backfire
with the intended weight loser gaining weight and then everyone
is upset. If you have really asked yourself, would I
be willing to work to lose weight and the answer
(06:43):
is not really, then I would explain to your partner
that this just isn't a big motivator for you, and
you'd support them if that's something they really want for themselves,
but you'd like to choose something more personally meaningful to
you and then just do that. You two don't have
(07:03):
to have the same goals and a resolution. If this
was your partner's way though, of telling you that there
is a problem, you are much better off hearing about
and then discussing that problem, whatever it may be. And
after that you may or may not want to change
something about yourself, but it should either way, be something
(07:27):
you truly feel motivated to change because you truly feel
it will benefit you, and take ownership of that desire.
I hope that was helpful. Back in a moment with
keeping your resolutions, tips back with suggestions to maintain that resolution.
(07:58):
When setting resolutions, it's crucial to tailor them to your
individual preferences and circumstances. Consider what matters most to you
and what changes will have a positive impact on your life. Additionally,
breaking larger goals into smaller ones, more manageable steps increases
(08:19):
the likelihood of success. Remember that the key to successful
resolutions is not only in setting them, but also in
creating a plan, in staying motivated and adapting the plan
as needed. Regularly assess your progress and adjust your resolutions
(08:39):
to align with your evolving priorities and with your current
life circumstances. Keeping a New Year's resolution can be challenging,
but with the right approach and mindset, you can increase
your chances of success. Here are some tips to help
you stick to your resolution. First, set realistic goals. Make
(09:03):
sure that your resolutions are something that's achievable and realistic,
because setting overly ambitious, unrealistic goals is nothing but discouraging.
Then prioritize by focusing on a few resolutions, rather than
spreading yourself too thin, pick a thing. This allows you
(09:25):
to concentrate your efforts and increase the likelihood of success.
Be specific about your goal instead of vague resolutions like
I'm going to be healthier in the new year. Break
your goal into specific, measurable, achievable, and relevant but time
(09:46):
bound objectives. Next, create a plan. Develop your step by
step plan outlining how you're going to achieve this resolution.
Breaking down a larger goal into smaller and manageable tasks
that can make it more achievable. Track your progress, so
(10:08):
for example, keeping a journal or using an app to
track yourself by regularly reviewing your achievements, which in itself
is motivating and helps you stay the course. Celebrate any
milestones you accomplish By celebrating your successes along the way.
It's reinforcement that boosts your motivation and keeps you focused
(10:32):
on going forward. Try to stay flexible because life is
unpredictable and an obstacle could pop up, and if you
encounter a setback, that's okay. Just adjust your plan rather
than giving it up entirely. Try to build in a
support system. If you share your resolution with a friend
(10:56):
or family member or even a support group, will allow
you to share your success and your challenges, which helps
you get more motivation and encouragement as you go, but
also helps keep you honest if you're cheating, visualize your success,
(11:17):
imagine yourself achieving this goal. This is actually a powerful
tool to help keep you motivated and stay focused. If
you have a setback, learn from it, because setbacks are
actually learning opportunities. So what went wrong? What in my
approach wasn't working? How can I change my approach so
(11:40):
that I don't repeat that? And then that will help
you move forward with renewed determination. You're trying to, basically,
for the most part, establish some new habit. So focusing
on building positive habits that fit with that resolution is
(12:00):
really what helps you to make a permanent change for
the future. And you have to know that changing anything
takes time, so be patient. Don't let discouragement get in
your way, don't make yourself have immediate results or you're out.
Stay patient and committed to the long term goal, and
(12:23):
then along the way, reassess and readjust as circumstances change.
Your goals may need to be modified to remain realistic
and achievable. New Year's resolutions are a year long commitment,
and success often comes from the sustained effort and dedication,
(12:46):
so always remember to be kind to yourself, stay focused
on those objectives, and celebrate any progress you make along
the way. Do you have a problem I can help with?
If so, email me at how Can I Help? At
Seneca women dot com. All centers remain anonymous and listen
(13:07):
every Friday to how can I Help with Me? Doctor
Gale Saltz
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