Banishing Back-To-School Stress

Mean girls and boys, active shooter drills, social media—the thought of these and more can create anxiety as students head back to the classroom. Dr. Saltz tells how parents can set children up for success and happiness in the year ahead.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to How Can I Help. I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,

(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Going back to school
can be high stress for the entire family, and mental
health issues for children is basically on the rise. School
has become a more stressful place for a number of reasons,

(00:49):
including bullying and actually other stressors. But there are some
things that we can all do as parents to help
prepare for and deal with the stress of school from
the start of the year. So before your child returns
to school this year, there are a number of topics

(01:09):
to make a point of discussing that could really help
your child feel less anxious and also help them navigate
the beginning of the school year in a way to
as they move along, feel less anxious. I'm going to
start with my listener's question which prompted making this episode,
about conversations to have before school starts, because there are

(01:34):
common school stressors. So let's start with my listener's question
and ask how can I help, Dear doctor Sauls. My
daughter is heading into middle school this year, and she
is expressing nervousness about being in a new school with

(01:54):
some old and some new kids, and asking me about
her concern if another kid is mean to her, what
should she do? I am not sure how to answer
her on this and some other worries that she has
started to talk about about the start of school. How

(02:15):
can I help her feel equipped and more relaxed. Bullying
is among the top worries that kids have about going
to and being in school, So talking to her about
what bullying is, what defines bullying, and how she can

(02:35):
handle it, and then giving her a plan will help
empower her to just feel more equipped should the situation arise.
So first explain the many forms of bullying, because of
course it's not just if someone is physical and pushes
or punches. It can also be emotional saying mean things

(02:59):
or name calling. But it can also be by shunning
and excluding a kid. And why is it important that
they understand that? Because when another child shuns or excludes
your child, they do feel uncomfortable. They do feel upset,
but they might not know why, and they might not

(03:20):
know how to really define what is happening and therefore
to take action in a way to help themselves. So
explaining to them that all of these things really connote
bullying and how to recognize if they, or for that matter,
a friend of theirs, is being bullied is important. Then

(03:42):
you want to help them understand how, in the moment
they could disrupt bully. First, you want to tell them
it's really important, as hard as it may be in
the moment, to not engage in a back and forth,
meaning as much as they're do not react to the bully,

(04:04):
Do not say something back, even an attack, just walk away.
A bully, as you can explain to your child, is
looking for that reaction which makes them feel powerful, and
by not engaging at all, you become frankly and unappealing target.

(04:25):
The next most important thing to discuss is actually the
most effective thing when there is repeated bullying, and that
is that your child can pre arrange what's called a bystander.
The bystander is the kid who isn't being bullied like
their friend, but is around when bullying happens. And your

(04:49):
kid can make a deal with another kid, hopefully a friend,
to say hey, if this happens to you, I'll just say, hey,
don't do that. That's my friend. And if they could
do the same for you, that would be great because
it turns out that the bystander doesn't have to do much,
just say hey, don't do that, that's my friend, and frankly,

(05:11):
that makes the biggest difference in bullying. Then lastly, you
should talk with your child. If there is ongoing bullying,
it is important to report it and talk to them
about a plan so they understand who they can report
it too, for example, you or their teacher or their principal,

(05:35):
and how they can report it. Just knowing all of
this will actually help her feel that she's got tools,
she can handle it, and help is there if she
needs it. I hope that was helpful. There are actually
a number of issues the tend distress kids at the

(05:57):
start of school, and I would recommend discussing each of
these topics before the year begins to relieve worries and
set them up for success. One of them is the
stress of active shooter drills. All schools are doing these
now and while the jury is still out on whether
or not they save lives. It does appear the drills

(06:20):
are for many kids quite disturbing and causing fear and
anxiety in an ongoing way all by themselves. But there
are things that you can talk to your child about
doing that can help. So you want to discuss that
these drills are purely for extra precaution for something that

(06:41):
is highly unlikely to ever happen, kind of like fire
drills or earthquake drills. You're not really expecting this to happen,
but we do these things just to be super prepared.
But they actually even today, it might not seem like
it if you're watching the news, but they actually are

(07:02):
still extremely rare. Then let them ask questions to you
about what they think about it, how they feel about it,
and try to answer them as honestly as you can.

(07:23):
You do want to discuss the rarity, as I said,
of instances like these, which really are under one percent,
and you want to discuss many other things that are
done for extreme safety that they will see never happen.
For example, you may be out in a thunderstorm, but
you don't rush home and barricade yourself in because you

(07:44):
think you're going to be hit by lightning. True, you
don't stand in the middle of a field and put
yourself in the most dangerous situation. But short of that,
you don't worry about it. Reassure them that generally speaking,
they are safe at school. Teach them some relaxation techniques

(08:06):
that they can do if they feel very nervous during
the drill. So they may be crouched under a desk
or up near a wall, but while that's happening, they
may be feeling very afraid. If you teach them to
do some for example, paste deep breathing, that can help
them do it without even anyone noticing while the drill

(08:29):
is going on, and help them to stay less anxious,
which will make the whole event less scary. With little kids,
you can teach it even by using a technique I
call flowers and bubbles. So for little children, they have
one hand that's holding a bunch of flowers they're going
to smell into account of five, and then with their

(08:53):
other hand they will make their thumb and four finger
touch such that they have around bubble wand and they
will blow out through the bubble wand after they've breathed
in doing this slowly one and then the other, and
that actually is paced deep breathing, and of course for

(09:15):
older children they might not need that enhancement to do it,
but either way, that is a helpful thing to do. Next,
it's important to talk with your child about mental health.
Educate your children about mental health, specifically about anxiety disorders,
mood disorders, and attentional issues, because these are the most

(09:38):
common things that may pop up in themselves or in
a classmate along the way, and recognizing what you've explained
to them will help them either explain what's happening to
them and get some help, or even be able to
help their friend. So, for example, many kids in class
may find they're having a lot of trouble with worries,

(10:00):
a lot of worries in their mind all day, distracting
them from things that they would rather be paying attention to,
and that when this happens too much, then that anxiety
may be something they need help with. Or alternatively, they
may be feeling too sad or having trouble staying organized
and paying attention even when they want to. These are

(10:23):
the kinds of things that you will explain are nobody's fault,
just happen to some people's brains, just like some people
get certain illnesses during the year, and there's help available
if they feel they're struggling with one of these things.
Discuss that anyone who has so much worry or sadness

(10:45):
that they can't do their school work, or they can't
enjoy playing with friends, or sleep at night or feel
okay most of the time does need someone to help
them make that feel better. And then, because so much
of the year is focused on frankly weaknesses of children,
for example, what they can't do, I think it's great

(11:07):
to start the year thinking about your child's strengths with them.
So school can be a real grind, both socially and academically,
and it feels like you have to conform and be
great at everything, which can really stress and make a
child anxious. But as a parent at the start of
the year, you can talk with a strength forward approach.

(11:31):
So what do they like the most, what do they
feel like they're pretty good at, and what do they
want to get even better at inside of school or
for that matter, outside of school, talk about expose them
to many choices of topic, an activity after school, a
visit to a museum, dance glass. They could try a

(11:53):
sporting event, a project at home after school, or what
kinds of things in school. Get them owing and brainstorming
with them about ways to expand on this strength and interest.
This is a source of self esteem for children, and
it's also a source of pleasure and possibly even future
success for them. Talk with your child about social media.

(12:20):
The Surgeon General has publicly announced the negative impact of
social media on children's mental health and the importance of
parents delaying a child's entry to social media to at
least age thirteen, and then even monitoring and restricting their access.
So remember, social media allows for another form of peer pressure,

(12:43):
which is why addressing this at the start of the
year is so important. Talk to your kids about their
social media before school starts. If they're on it, what
kinds are they using? If they're on it, who who
of their friends are on it too? What kinds of
things are they seeing? How do those things make them feel?

(13:08):
And discuss parameters. Are they allowed to be on it yet?
How much? Which platforms will you let them be on
and what platforms should they not be on. Discuss what
they should do if they see someone they know post
something concerning like bullying or a threat or even a

(13:28):
statement of feeling like harming themselves, because these kinds of
things can be on social media and it might make
them feel unsafe or uncomfortable. So what can they do?
And I would advise mostly talk to you and discuss
the importance of not trying everything they see on social media.
If they are on it, if they have questions or

(13:50):
aren't comfortable, they should always feel safe talking to you
about it because unfortunately, as we've too often seen the
TikTok challenge, that's dangerous and gets a kid into trouble.
If they're not of the age that you want them
on social media yet, though some of their friends likely are,
discuss the reasons why and ways that they can engage

(14:13):
with their friends in real life. Add and use parental
controls on devices to limit access. Social media can be wonderful,
but it can also place your child at risk. Think
about parental burnout and child stress in general. Because if

(14:36):
you can set up a plan before your school days
with your child starts, for example, what is their organizational system,
how are they going to get ready in the morning.
Is it better than to feel rushed in the morning
that they lay out their clothes the night before, that
they pack their backpack, that they check off, that their
homework or whatever they will need for the next day

(14:58):
is done when it's more relaxed, and then be able
to go off to school not stressed out that they
barely made it out the door. Make some plans, do
it before school starts. Make some charts if that's helpful
to your child, so that you start the school you're
off not feeling behind the eight ball. Un Last, but

(15:22):
not least, I think it's great to talk with your
child about making and finding friends, because often both children
and parents are stressed out about this. But the reality is,
and I'm speaking to parents now, your child only needs
one or two good friends to be okay, So don't

(15:42):
put the burden of having too many friends on them.
Many parents are like, but who else are you having
a playdate with? Or how many kids can come to
your birthday party? And that will actually stress your child.
You can, certainly, if your child is t trying to
make new friends, talk with them and come up with

(16:03):
some tips that they can use to find one or
two friends. If they're feeling sad or lonely or worried
that they don't have a good friend and you can
help them facilitate that. Do you have a problem I
can help with? If so, email me at how Can
I Help at Senecawomen dot com. All centers remain anonymous

(16:26):
and listen every Friday to how can I Help with Me?
Doctor Gail's Saltz