Crying in the Office? How to Stop It Before It Starts

Expressing emotion is not a sign of weakness, says Dr. Saltz. But if crying is hurting you professionally, there are some easy, effective techniques you can use to contain it.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, the psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,

(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. All mammals have tear
ducts and do tear, but only humans use it to
communicate distress. Humans use tearing to serve a purpose. When

(00:46):
highly upset, the sympathetic side of the nervous system is alerted.
While it is difficult to study crying because it demands
an emotional breaking point that is tough to replicate in
the lab, there have been studies that indicate crying and
the release of tears as a way to bring the

(01:07):
nervous system back to a normal equilibrium of sorts. If
someone continues to cry and be in emotional distress for
a long period of time, the stress could have physical
consequences like a stroke or a heart attack. Hence, crying
may be the body's way of calming itself down. Part

(01:31):
of the parasympathetic nervous system's function, and returning to a
normal state. So what purpose does crying serve? As humans
have evolved, You might think the ability to tear would
have disappeared, but it is not. Even though tears well

(01:52):
up in your eyes and inhibit your vision, they still
serve the evolutionary purpose of eliciting simlathy. Human's ability to
band together and help each other distinguishes them from other mammals,
and crying communicates deep feeling, which allows others to bond

(02:15):
with you more intensely, and hence are a very important
and nuanced form of communication. Certainly, real tears demand more
attention than crying without tears. Mothers today still find themselves
checking for real tears on the faces of upset toddlers.

(02:38):
For example, crying with tears cannot be easily faked. To
really fake tears is difficult. Muscles associated with crying are
nearly impossible to control, for example, the lump in the
throat and the chin quivering. Tearing serves as a commun

(03:00):
comunication skill. Mothers can address how seriously should I address
my child's concern or situation to some degree based on tears.
So today I'm answering a question from a woman about crying.
Why do some people cry more than others? There are

(03:24):
differences in criers. Some people have a lower threshold for
being sad or upset. It depends on how deeply the
particular emotion affects you. Where your breaking point is depends
on both your emotional and physical capabilities. Going into therapy,

(03:47):
you could study more about why you handle certain situations
better and certain situations not as well. The statement that
women cry more than men is a generalization and it
can be a misleading one. While it's true that some
studies have suggested that women may cry more frequently on

(04:09):
average compared to men, it's important to note that this
is actually a complex and multifaceted topic, influenced by a
variety of biological, psychological, social, and cultural factors. But here
are a few things to think about. Biologically, there are

(04:30):
hormonal differences between men and women, which probably plays a role.
For instance, some research suggests that the hormone prolactin, which
is associated with tear production, might be present in higher
levels in women due to its involvement in the menstrual
cycle and pregnancy. But these hormonal differences are not the

(04:52):
sole reason. Also in consideration are socialization and cultural factors,
because from a young boys and girls are usually socialized differently,
with different expectations and norms surrounding the acceptability of emotional expression.
Boys are often discouraged from showing vulnerability or expressing emotions

(05:16):
like sadness, while girls are often encouraged to express their
feelings more openly, and this can definitely influence crying patterns
later in life. Some research suggests that women may be
more likely use crying as a way to cope with
stress and sadness, or even frustration, but men might have

(05:38):
been socialized to use different outlets for their emotions, like
anger or physical activity. This doesn't mean that men don't
experience the same emotions, but rather that they may express
them differently, and societal norms and expectations strongly influence behavior.

(05:59):
If a society he encourages emotional expression and values open communication,
both men and women might feel more comfortable expressing their emotions,
including crying. Studies on crying behavior often rely on self reporting,
which then, of course, is influenced by societal expectations and norms,

(06:21):
so men in studies might underreport their crying frequency. Due
to the stigma associated with it, while women might be
more comfortable acknowledging it. And crying frequency can also vary
greatly depending on the individual's personality. There are particular life circumstances,
the specific situations they encounter. Some people might cry more

(06:46):
frequently due to personal experiences, their personal stressors, or their
individual mental health factors. It's important to avoid broad generalizations
about gender different in emotional expression and crying, because each
person's behavior is influenced by this complex interplay of these

(07:07):
various factors I've mentioned, the perception of crying can vary
across cultures and even historical periods. It's more accurate to
say that crying behavior is a complex and nuanced phenomenon
influenced by a wide range of factors, and any gender
related differences are not necessarily set in stone. As I mentioned,

(07:33):
prolactin and estrogen are both hormones that women have and
men don't, so they add to the fact that studies
reveal on average men report and remember I said, men
night not report as much as women that they cry
once a month on average, whereas women report that they

(07:55):
cry five times a month. Men often respond differently to
women crying than women do, and this is also a factor.
Often men feel, oh, I just can't take it when
this woman near me cries. It's very disturbing to a man,

(08:15):
and women misinterpret this man's reaction, which to them seems
as if he might be turning away, he might be
having a I got to get out of here reaction.
But sometimes it's really that he's just overwhelmed by crying
that he doesn't know what to do for to quote fix.

(08:37):
So when you are not feeling emotional and your partner
has been doing this and it bothers, you tell him
he doesn't have to figure out a way to save
the world or fix your problem just because you're crying.
Explain to him that instead of fixing it, what would

(09:00):
help is just acknowledging that you're upset. Women sometimes see
men as emasculated if they cry, and therefore they may
not respond well to seeing men cry. This is just
as much of a problem. Women need to try to
be more empathic. If your guy is crying, he is

(09:25):
sensitive and he's willing to share his vulnerability with you.
This is a good thing, and you should again acknowledge
that he is upset and you want to be there
for him. Being aware of your own emotional state is
also good for you. People who oppress their emotional state

(09:47):
and their emotions of being very sad or very angry,
that creates greater problems for them inhibiting that emotion. It's
actually good to let it out if you're keeping it in,
and so sometimes crying is really cathartic and to feel
better understood that you are with someone and you cried

(10:11):
is a way of communicating the depth of your emotion
to them, and hopefully you can work out their ability
to be empathic without having to fix it towards you.
So with that, right after the break, we'll get to
my listener's question. Welcome back. Let's get to my listener's

(10:42):
question and see how can I help dear Doctor Saults.
I am a crier. By this, I mean that ever
since I was a young child, I have had a
tendency to cry more than my peers. I most often
cry if I'm suddenly upset or even super angry, but

(11:03):
I also might cry if I feel sad or actually
even just very emotional, even if the emotion is nostalgia
or something touching I've seen, or even really hilarious I
accept that I am a sensitive emotional person and crying
is one way I register that expression. But one problem

(11:25):
I am struggling with is it's not ideal to cry
at work. It just doesn't feel professional, and I think
it could unfortunately hurt me reputationally at work. I would
like to find a way to control the crying at work,
if that is even possible. Do you have any suggestions?

(11:49):
As a psychiatrist, I must tell you that if we
lived in a more enlightened world where all were accepting
of normal human emotions and their expression, there would not
be any problem with crying at work, and in my opinion,
there shouldn't be. But unfortunately, we don't live in that world,

(12:11):
and people do still judge others for emotional expression that
they deem and even stigmatize as unacceptable or unacceptable. At work,
crying is misinterpreted as a sign of weakness, as coming apart,
and in invokes uncomfortable feelings for the person present, feelings

(12:33):
that they then unfortunately blame on you. Hence, I understand
your feelings that you want to find a way to
contain crying at work, or at least with people who
are in a position to affect your job and who
you've estimated to not be okay with the crime. There

(12:54):
are tools one can practice to be able to interrupt
crime when it feels like it's about to happen. For example,
slow deep breathing can bring your emotional state down such
that it doesn't reach the height that invokes crying, So
to practice this in a way that would not be

(13:18):
notable to your employer should you be standing with them.
You need to become in tune with when emotionally you're
starting to get to too high a place for you,
and when you start to hit that place to do
some slow and not visible deep breathing in your nose

(13:40):
and out your mouth, but slowing your breathing down, which
will help bring that emotional state back down while staying
in the conversation. This will help you from getting to
the place where you feel like you can't stop the tears. Additionally,
a mental dist like counting backwards from one hundred by sevens,

(14:04):
which admittedly could take you somewhat out of the conversation
that you're in, but may be worth it in order
to avoid the tears, can move your mind to something unemotional,
completely unemotional, which can short circuit the need to cry,
focusing on something grounding, like keeping a large coin in

(14:27):
your pocket that you can then hold and feel to
ground you and concentrate on. Some people use an elastic
hair tie around their wrist and pull it and let
it snap to just give a mild snap on the wrist,
and that feeling state can distract you from your emotional

(14:49):
state again, thereby short circuiting and taking you down from
the place where the crying becomes inevitable. It's helpful to
practice these skills outside of work when the stakes are
lower to be able to do them at work when
the stakes feel higher. If you get into a spot

(15:10):
where you feel the tears are unstoppable, it's always okay
to say, could you excuse me a moment, go to
the lady's room, into a stall, take a few minutes,
even cry in the stall, or just work to use
these tools to take down your emotional state and feel

(15:30):
more composed before return it. Should you cry in a
work setting, it is also truly okay to just say,
you know what, I'm okay, I'm just feeling a little
and then name the emotion. Could be frustrated, could be angry,
and I'm really okay, but I easily tear up when

(15:52):
I feel whatever it is, frustrated sad. To explain what's
happening in a way that should be understandable to anybody
at work, and making it clear that you are not overwhelmed,
that you are not coming apart, but that teering is
your emotional response to a normal feeling state that probably

(16:14):
anybody would be having in this conversation. It will simply
defuse the intensity of the response to the cry and
make it clear to the person present you don't expect
them to do something or fix something, and actually you
don't need fixing. Aside from the workplace, crying should always

(16:34):
be very okay. It's often really a good release for
high level emotions which you can then think about and
understand and hopefully work toward resolving. I hope that was helpful.
Controlling crying in the workplace can be important for maintaining
professionalism and managing your emotions effectively, and here are overall

(16:59):
strategies that can help. As I mentioned, taking deep breaths
when you feel the urge to cry, taking slow and
deep breaths can help you regain control over your emotions,
which then prevents the tears from flowing. Excusing yourself. If
tears are coming on, consider excusing yourself heading to a

(17:23):
private space like a restroom or a breakroom where you
can have a moment to recompose yourself. Practicing outside emotional regulation,
which basically are techniques like mindfulness meditation, which help you
to manage your emotions more effectively in stressful situations. Using

(17:46):
distraction like counting backwards from one hundred or focusing on
a specific object in the room, which can redirect your
thoughts and help prevent the tears from coming. Using visualization
mentally picturing yourself in a calming or neutral scene to

(18:06):
help you stay composed and divert your focus from the
emotional state that you're in. Positive internal self talk. Remind
yourself in the moment of your capabilities and your strengths.
Have some positive affirmations like I am smart, I can

(18:29):
handle this, I can handle anything. To boost your self
confidence and resilience in a challenging moment. Practicing self assertiveness.
If you're feeling overwhelmed or stressed due to work related issues,
communicate your needs and concerns to colleagues earlier. This can

(18:52):
help prevent the emotions that later come and build up
to a point of no return where you might cry.
Always try to practice a healthy lifestyle because you're more
likely to cry when you're not getting enough sleep and
you're not eating well, and you don't have regular physical
activity Doing those things sleeping well, eating well, having regular

(19:18):
physical activity help you to better emotionally regulate. Having a
source of support if you are very stressed in the workplace,
which can more likely trigger an emotional response, having trusted
colleagues or friends, or even a mental health professional to

(19:39):
talk to for support and guidance can help you a
lot and preventive measures. Addressing a root cause of stress
at the workplace will help prevent an emotional outburst later,
so improving time management skills, setting boundaries at work, seeking

(20:01):
help with overwhelming tasks, asking for delegations, and practice skills
ahead of time, because in the moment is not the
place to first try something out. You want to have
rehearsed it previously in a non high emotion time at

(20:21):
home to get better at it, so that in the
moment when it's harder to practice, you already have that
skill rehearsed. Remember, everyone experiences emotions and it's okay to
have moments when you feel like crying. Learning to manage
these emotions in a professional setting like therapy can also

(20:42):
be valuable for maintaining your composure and effectiveness in a
place like work. So if you find that your emotions
are frequently, and I mean frequently overwhelming or impacting your
overall well being, then think about therapy with a mental
health profession because it can really be beneficial. Do you

(21:05):
have a problem I can help with? If so, email
me at how Can I Help? At senecawomen dot com.
All centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday to how
can I help with me? Doctor Gail's Saltz