December 29, 2023 • 13 mins
When a woman suffers from a family member's regular gaslighting at the holidays Dr. Saltz advises how to halt that behavior in its tracks and get the holiday back on a better footing.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to How Can I Help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, the psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Family gas lighting refers
to a form of emotional abuse within a family dynamic,
where one or more members manipulate another person into questioning
their own perceptions, their memories, or even their reality. Gas
(00:49):
Lighting can occur in various relationships, but when it happens
within a family, it's particularly damaging because it undermines the
basic trust and creates confusion, and that can have long
lasting effects on the victim's mental and emotional well being,
as well as the family relationships. The holidays are unfortunately
(01:12):
a time when old family dynamics often return, and gaslighting
can be part of it. So today I am answering
a question from a listener about gaslighting. Some common characteristics
of gaslighting are denial and contradiction. The gaslighter denies their
(01:35):
actions or contradicts what was said or done, which causes
the victim of the gaslighting to doubt their own memory.
The distorting of reality. Gaslighters may present false information, distort facts,
or change the narrative to make the victim question their
(01:56):
own understanding of events. Minimizing concerns, gaslighters downplay the significance
of the victim's feelings or concerns, making them feel as
if their emotions are either invalid or greatly exaggerated and
should be shut down. Projection gaslighters often project their own faults,
(02:23):
their own mistakes, or negative qualities onto the victim, causing
them to feel responsible for whatever issues are happening within
the relationship. Isolation. Gaslighters often isolate their victims, cutting them
off from external support systems, and thereby they reinforce their
(02:44):
control over the victim's perception of reality by being the
only one in the victim's orbit who is providing them
any information. Undermining confidence, gaslighting erodes the victy them self
esteem and confidence, which makes them even more dependent on
the gas lighter for their validation and guidance. And last,
(03:09):
but far from least, is blaming the victim. Gas Lighters
shift blame onto the victim, making them believe that they
are the cause of all the problems in the family.
Recognizing and addressing family gaslighting is really important for the
well being of the affected person. Seeking support from friends,
(03:33):
from family members that is, other family members, or from
mental health professionals is often a helpful way to break
a cycle of manipulation and thereby rebuild a healthier sense
of oneself. And the holidays are arguably one of the
most high risk times for chronic forms of family gas lighting.
(03:55):
Throughout the year, you may have been able to distance
yourself both physically and mentally from someone in your family
who's a gaslighter, even if you happen to live nearby.
But during the holidays, it's common for everyone to get together,
even with those people that they're more distanced from, with
the expectation that people will get along and everybody will
(04:18):
be happy and marry. That makes it very difficult to
stay away or to at least keep some distance with
those family members you know are going to be engaging
in gaslighting. So with that, let's get to my listener's
question and ask, how can I help dear doctor Saltz.
(04:41):
I dread our family big holiday gatherings where my aunt
and her family join us, Because inevitably my aunt says
something to me that really ends up upsetting me. It
usually goes something like this, I haven't wanted to say
anything about this before, but have you ever tried the
(05:04):
blank diet. I've heard it's really good, and I was
thinking it might help you when she does this, which
of course she has done before. In fact, she does
every single time I see her. If I look upset,
she then quickly adds, Oh, don't overreact. I mean really,
(05:25):
I'm just trying to be helpful, and I just see
that you're struggling with your weight. This makes it hard
for me to say anything else. It's like I'm totally
overreacting and she's just being a good Samaritan. But it
makes me feel awful and I slink around trying to
avoid her. But basically it kind of ruins my day.
(05:50):
I wish there was a way to handle this better,
because it seems that unless I don't join my own
family for holidays anymore, I am stuck with this situation.
Is there a way to handle this better? Your aunt
is gaslighting you by repeatedly undermining your confidence, and then
(06:14):
when you have a very normal and appropriate upset reaction,
telling you in essence that you have totally overreacted, and
thereby saying what just really happened in fact did not
actually happen. She is distorting your reality and minimizing your feelings.
This is classic gaslighting. Do not let this aunt rob
(06:40):
you of your holiday gatherings. Rather, i'd suggest you deal
with her up front before the holidays. You can call
her up and simply say, I know we will be
seeing each other at dinner. I wanted to let you
know ahead of time. I'd really appreciate if you could
not discuss or bring up my eating or my lifestyle choices.
(07:03):
This is just not a good topic for us, and
I don't want to have a damper on our time together.
Or alternatively, you can have the game plan, which includes
and waiting for the holiday gathering that if she brings
it up, you already have a script in your mind
where you immediately say this is not a topic I
(07:25):
wish to discuss with you, and then just walk away
once you recognize someone is gaslighting you, which is the
important first step. It really is, because often we're so
confused in the moment, and we're so overcome by our
upset and negative emotion, which is then double whammied when
the person says, oh, you're totally overreacting that we don't
(07:49):
even realize what is happening to us. Now that you
know exactly what is happening, you can name it and
you can have a script for how to take the
next important first step. The next step needs to be
setting a hard and fast limit in the moment, I
(08:10):
don't want to discuss or hear about this topic from you.
We have to agree to disagree. The idea is basically nope,
I will not let you do this, and I have
a say. No anger needed, no insult from your end.
You're not having a fight, just no. Then go and
(08:35):
hang out with some other relatives. Gaslighters tend to stop
when there is just no air to feed their fire.
Removing yourself from the equation will likely shut it down
and probably shut it down altogether. Don't bother trying to
get her to see that what she is saying is hurtful.
(08:57):
You will not likely succeed because she has already blamed
you for your own obvious hurt. This is why shutting
it down calmly and then moving away is the better way.
To go. She may even try to be more pleasant
going forward. I hope that was helpful. Back in a
(09:20):
moment with some tips about handling gasling back with some tips.
Most of the time there is no easy exit from
a family or the price of leaving is too high.
(09:45):
Often we are conflicted. We love our family member and
even enjoy time with them, but have had it with
any gaslighting. If you don't want to leave a family
relationship or even the family holiday dinner, here are some
things you can think about doing. First, and most importantly
(10:07):
are both accepting your feelings because honestly, your feelings are
more important than who is right or who is wrong,
and naming the gaslighting, even if it's just to yourself.
Then identify the triggers, keep track of when gas lighting
(10:28):
comes up, for example, is it over money or is
it over your lifestyle? And then when it comes to
this person, avoid the topic. You could say something like
I'd rather not have this conversation right now. Try to
opt out of the power struggle they are trying to
(10:49):
have it. If you opt out, there's nowhere for them
to go with it. Say something like you know we
can just agree to disagree, or this is not the
kind of conversation I want and a half Right now,
if you can and feel safe, you can try talking
with your gaslighter. You can write down the last few
(11:10):
conversations where this has happened and notice where they begin
to pivot to blaming you or to undermining your reality.
Say I think what happens between us is gaslighting. When
I look back at our conversations, I notice that they
go in this direction and that you tend to say
(11:32):
this is true or this is untrue when that is
not my experience. But be ready to provide very specific examples.
Think about what you would advise your best friend to
do about either leaving or limiting a gaslighting interaction, and
then apply that same strategy of care to yourself. Be
(11:57):
proactive about limiting your time together. Even if their behavior improves,
the more time you spend together, the likelihood of their
behavior degenerating increases. So really think about how much time
you are spending with this person, and you can be
kind but still be firm when this person crosses a boundary.
(12:22):
It is still kind but firm to say I appreciate
that you care about me, but I don't want to
talk about this with you. Remember You cannot change someone
else's mind, or their behavior for that matter, if they
don't want to. You can only change your own, and
you may have to walk away if they continue to
(12:45):
gaslight you. Do you have a problem I can help
with If so, email meet how can I Help at
senecawomen dot com. All centers remain anonymous and listen every
Friday to how can I help with Me? Doctor Gale's
Saltz
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to How Can I Help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, the psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Family gas lighting refers
to a form of emotional abuse within a family dynamic,
where one or more members manipulate another person into questioning
their own perceptions, their memories, or even their reality. Gas
(00:49):
Lighting can occur in various relationships, but when it happens
within a family, it's particularly damaging because it undermines the
basic trust and creates confusion, and that can have long
lasting effects on the victim's mental and emotional well being,
as well as the family relationships. The holidays are unfortunately
(01:12):
a time when old family dynamics often return, and gaslighting
can be part of it. So today I am answering
a question from a listener about gaslighting. Some common characteristics
of gaslighting are denial and contradiction. The gaslighter denies their
(01:35):
actions or contradicts what was said or done, which causes
the victim of the gaslighting to doubt their own memory.
The distorting of reality. Gaslighters may present false information, distort facts,
or change the narrative to make the victim question their
(01:56):
own understanding of events. Minimizing concerns, gaslighters downplay the significance
of the victim's feelings or concerns, making them feel as
if their emotions are either invalid or greatly exaggerated and
should be shut down. Projection gaslighters often project their own faults,
(02:23):
their own mistakes, or negative qualities onto the victim, causing
them to feel responsible for whatever issues are happening within
the relationship. Isolation. Gaslighters often isolate their victims, cutting them
off from external support systems, and thereby they reinforce their
(02:44):
control over the victim's perception of reality by being the
only one in the victim's orbit who is providing them
any information. Undermining confidence, gaslighting erodes the victy them self
esteem and confidence, which makes them even more dependent on
the gas lighter for their validation and guidance. And last,
(03:09):
but far from least, is blaming the victim. Gas Lighters
shift blame onto the victim, making them believe that they
are the cause of all the problems in the family.
Recognizing and addressing family gaslighting is really important for the
well being of the affected person. Seeking support from friends,
(03:33):
from family members that is, other family members, or from
mental health professionals is often a helpful way to break
a cycle of manipulation and thereby rebuild a healthier sense
of oneself. And the holidays are arguably one of the
most high risk times for chronic forms of family gas lighting.
(03:55):
Throughout the year, you may have been able to distance
yourself both physically and mentally from someone in your family
who's a gaslighter, even if you happen to live nearby.
But during the holidays, it's common for everyone to get together,
even with those people that they're more distanced from, with
the expectation that people will get along and everybody will
(04:18):
be happy and marry. That makes it very difficult to
stay away or to at least keep some distance with
those family members you know are going to be engaging
in gaslighting. So with that, let's get to my listener's
question and ask, how can I help dear doctor Saltz.
(04:41):
I dread our family big holiday gatherings where my aunt
and her family join us, Because inevitably my aunt says
something to me that really ends up upsetting me. It
usually goes something like this, I haven't wanted to say
anything about this before, but have you ever tried the
(05:04):
blank diet. I've heard it's really good, and I was
thinking it might help you when she does this, which
of course she has done before. In fact, she does
every single time I see her. If I look upset,
she then quickly adds, Oh, don't overreact. I mean really,
(05:25):
I'm just trying to be helpful, and I just see
that you're struggling with your weight. This makes it hard
for me to say anything else. It's like I'm totally
overreacting and she's just being a good Samaritan. But it
makes me feel awful and I slink around trying to
avoid her. But basically it kind of ruins my day.
(05:50):
I wish there was a way to handle this better,
because it seems that unless I don't join my own
family for holidays anymore, I am stuck with this situation.
Is there a way to handle this better? Your aunt
is gaslighting you by repeatedly undermining your confidence, and then
(06:14):
when you have a very normal and appropriate upset reaction,
telling you in essence that you have totally overreacted, and
thereby saying what just really happened in fact did not
actually happen. She is distorting your reality and minimizing your feelings.
This is classic gaslighting. Do not let this aunt rob
(06:40):
you of your holiday gatherings. Rather, i'd suggest you deal
with her up front before the holidays. You can call
her up and simply say, I know we will be
seeing each other at dinner. I wanted to let you
know ahead of time. I'd really appreciate if you could
not discuss or bring up my eating or my lifestyle choices.
(07:03):
This is just not a good topic for us, and
I don't want to have a damper on our time together.
Or alternatively, you can have the game plan, which includes
and waiting for the holiday gathering that if she brings
it up, you already have a script in your mind
where you immediately say this is not a topic I
(07:25):
wish to discuss with you, and then just walk away
once you recognize someone is gaslighting you, which is the
important first step. It really is, because often we're so
confused in the moment, and we're so overcome by our
upset and negative emotion, which is then double whammied when
the person says, oh, you're totally overreacting that we don't
(07:49):
even realize what is happening to us. Now that you
know exactly what is happening, you can name it and
you can have a script for how to take the
next important first step. The next step needs to be
setting a hard and fast limit in the moment, I
(08:10):
don't want to discuss or hear about this topic from you.
We have to agree to disagree. The idea is basically nope,
I will not let you do this, and I have
a say. No anger needed, no insult from your end.
You're not having a fight, just no. Then go and
(08:35):
hang out with some other relatives. Gaslighters tend to stop
when there is just no air to feed their fire.
Removing yourself from the equation will likely shut it down
and probably shut it down altogether. Don't bother trying to
get her to see that what she is saying is hurtful.
(08:57):
You will not likely succeed because she has already blamed
you for your own obvious hurt. This is why shutting
it down calmly and then moving away is the better way.
To go. She may even try to be more pleasant
going forward. I hope that was helpful. Back in a
(09:20):
moment with some tips about handling gasling back with some tips.
Most of the time there is no easy exit from
a family or the price of leaving is too high.
(09:45):
Often we are conflicted. We love our family member and
even enjoy time with them, but have had it with
any gaslighting. If you don't want to leave a family
relationship or even the family holiday dinner, here are some
things you can think about doing. First, and most importantly
(10:07):
are both accepting your feelings because honestly, your feelings are
more important than who is right or who is wrong,
and naming the gaslighting, even if it's just to yourself.
Then identify the triggers, keep track of when gas lighting
(10:28):
comes up, for example, is it over money or is
it over your lifestyle? And then when it comes to
this person, avoid the topic. You could say something like
I'd rather not have this conversation right now. Try to
opt out of the power struggle they are trying to
(10:49):
have it. If you opt out, there's nowhere for them
to go with it. Say something like you know we
can just agree to disagree, or this is not the
kind of conversation I want and a half Right now,
if you can and feel safe, you can try talking
with your gaslighter. You can write down the last few
(11:10):
conversations where this has happened and notice where they begin
to pivot to blaming you or to undermining your reality.
Say I think what happens between us is gaslighting. When
I look back at our conversations, I notice that they
go in this direction and that you tend to say
(11:32):
this is true or this is untrue when that is
not my experience. But be ready to provide very specific examples.
Think about what you would advise your best friend to
do about either leaving or limiting a gaslighting interaction, and
then apply that same strategy of care to yourself. Be
(11:57):
proactive about limiting your time together. Even if their behavior improves,
the more time you spend together, the likelihood of their
behavior degenerating increases. So really think about how much time
you are spending with this person, and you can be
kind but still be firm when this person crosses a boundary.
(12:22):
It is still kind but firm to say I appreciate
that you care about me, but I don't want to
talk about this with you. Remember You cannot change someone
else's mind, or their behavior for that matter, if they
don't want to. You can only change your own, and
you may have to walk away if they continue to
(12:45):
gaslight you. Do you have a problem I can help
with If so, email meet how can I Help at
senecawomen dot com. All centers remain anonymous and listen every
Friday to how can I help with Me? Doctor Gale's
Saltz
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