January 14, 2022 • 13 mins
Arguing with your spouse? Good for you! Dr. Saltz reveals how to use those disputes to strengthen your relationship and why you should model fair fighting for children. And be sure to listen at the end to her helpful guidelines for productive disagreements.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Everyone gets angry. Since
you and your spouse are not clones, you cannot always
agree on everything. When there is disagreement, there will be fighting. Actually,
(00:47):
you hope, because letting anger fester is definitely more destructive
than communicating it. Today, I have a listener question about
arguing with your has been Fighting in and of itself
is actually not the problem, but how you fight can
(01:08):
be not fighting at all because you've buried your anger
is really the worst case scenario. This allows hurts to
fester and then come out with being passive, aggressive or
distancing yourself, and both of these things can hurt your marriage.
(01:30):
Constantly venting your anger is also sub optimal for both
your marriage and for any children who are viewers of this.
Arguing is an appropriate tool to discuss constructively your disagreement
with your spouse, but being abusive, explosive, are hurtful is
(01:52):
not constructive and in the end both of you lose out.
Fighting in front of your children is generally speak being
a terrible idea. I say generally because I do think
it's okay and even helpful to see parents calmly disagree
and then find a compromise and make up. This shows
(02:15):
your children that you can love and respect someone very much,
but disagree with them and find a way to resolve it.
This is valuable for them as they navigate through relationships
in their life. On the other hand, yelling at each other,
being mean or hurtful in front of the children is
(02:39):
downright terrifying for them. It leaves them scared about your
love for each other and your love for them. So
no matter how angry you are, save it until you
are positive you can do it calmly or away from
them hearing you. Many a child has been trying smatized
(03:00):
by overhearing their parents scream and be abusive to each other.
This can damage their trust and ability to be intimate
with someone later in their lives, so don't let that happen.
With that in mind, let's get to my listeners question
and see how can I help dear doctor sels. My
(03:26):
husband and I have been together a lot more than
ever before because we have both been working from home
and now we are both back some of the time
but still remote some of the time, and much of
the time things are fine, but we have been fighting
more frequently. Often it's about stupid stuff in retrospect, like
(03:51):
emptying the dishwasher or taking out the garbage, but sometimes
it just seems like we are irritating each other and
then it just evolves into an argument. One of my
kids just asked me if Dad and I are going
to get a divorce. This really hit home that our
(04:12):
arguments are maybe too frequent, and I'm really not sure
what to do about it. Is it okay to be fighting?
Doesn't mean something is wrong with my marriage. Most couples
fight or bicker at least sometimes. An uptick in arguing
can mean many things. It can mean that either one
(04:36):
of you are struggling more emotionally with something which wouldn't
be surprising at this time, and that it's presenting as
being more irritable and argumentative for either one of you.
Or it could mean an issue is going on between
you in the setting of a pandemic, great fear, and uncertainty,
(05:03):
all of which are exacerbating mental health issues all around
for everyone and putting extra strain on couples. It's not
unusual that there could be an uptick in fighting, especially
as you mentioned being together so much more of the time.
(05:23):
What's most important is to discuss it. Discussing it doesn't
mean accusing each other of something. It means talking about
how each of you feel. Are you having a hard
time now? Are you feeling more stressed and irritable? Is
he together? Is this creating a short viuse for eruptions?
(05:51):
How can you discuss things before they get to an eruption?
Can you take turns listening to each other and empathy
vising with each other so as to feel more comfort
and support rather than feeling adversarial. When you do fight,
it should be a discussion of differences and feelings. This
(06:15):
creates when you have differences, but not contain attacks, name calling, insulting,
or certainly threats. Your tone should still contain the memory
that actually, you love this person and you don't want
to hurt them. You want to work out a problem
(06:37):
or disagreement you'd like him to take the garbage out
more than one time, and you can discuss that without snapping.
If your children are hearing meanness, sarcasm, cruelty, this will
scare them. How can you love and then do that
(07:01):
to each other? If you could do this to each other,
will you do this with them? You will end up
modeling this kind of behavior as how one fights, which
is not a good model at all. What fighting can
show your kids is how you can love and disagree
(07:23):
at the same time, how you can be mad at
someone and still love them all the way through. That
These are actually good lessons and will be important to
understand for their own future relationships. But you can also
show them that cruelty will never stand, that abuse is unacceptable,
(07:47):
whether emotional or physical, by being clear that you will
not let either one of you do such a thing,
and that if such a thing happens, you will walk
away and protect yourself. This is also an important model
for your children as they grow into relationships which you
(08:07):
hope will never be abusive. How can I help with
Dr Gail Salts will be back after the short break.
When fighting increases substantially, it means you need more discussion
(08:30):
in nonheated times, that's what needs to occur. One or
the other or both of you are likely having some
sort of an internal struggle. Your partner actually cannot make
you happy. People often expect their partner to make them happy,
(08:51):
but really, at the end of the day, only you
can make you happier. But your partner can help listen
to and be understanding about whatever your current struggle is,
and in doing so support you. So doing that can
go a long way to building more trust and comfort
(09:14):
with each other. So taking some time when you're not
feeling angry to do just that. You seem more irritable.
What's going on is something stressing you? Are you having
a lot of feelings that are difficult? Talk about it,
Talk more about what's going on for you internally, and
(09:36):
think together about ways to decrease each other's stress levels.
Maybe that's play, maybe that's taking up meditation together. This
will likely decrease the bubbling irritability that can lead to
more fights over small things. I hope that was helpful.
(10:00):
Here are some more strategies for optimizing your disagreements. It's
not about who's right. Inevitably, there are two sides to
any story. You are both likely partially right and wrong.
The point is not to win the argument. The point
is to find someplace that both of you can accept.
(10:24):
Be careful of generalizing during arguments. When we get mad,
we tend to want to attack with everything in our arsenal,
So you pull out every old heart and infraction your
spouse has ever committed, and this spends the fight out
of control and fans the flames. So stick to the
subject at hand and try to stay with the issue
(10:45):
that is causing the disagreement. Now. In addition, using old
things told to you in confidence as a method of
hurting them is a complete no no, as it will
ruin the trust your spouse has played sast in you
talk early. We often don't want to be angry with
(11:05):
our spouse, so we wait until we are fuming and
the problem has really worsened. The longer you wait, the
harder it gets to resolve the disagreement. It also unfairly
allows your spouse to keep sticking their foot in it.
So to speak. You know it's bugging you, but they don't,
so they keep digging themselves a deeper hole. That's soon
(11:28):
enough you will blow up about and attack them. For
so speak up sooner when the problem starts, and it
will be much easier to reach resolution. Listen and respect.
Nothing is more frustrating than feeling you are not hurt.
Let your spouse know you hear what they are saying too,
(11:51):
and you get how they are feeling. This will diffuse
their anger. Try while you listen to stand a bit
in your partners shoes in order to understand where they
are coming from. It will help you come to a resolution.
Never attack the other with abuse either physical or verbal,
with meanness, with cursing, with screaming, or threatening to leave them.
(12:15):
Treat them with the same respect you would want for yourself,
and think about how you finish your arguments versus having
a time out, because generally speaking, it's really best to
come to some sort of resolution without walking out during
an argument. It can be a compromise, or it can
(12:35):
be an agreement to disagree. Making up and reminding each
other how much you really care for, respect and love
each other at the end is also important. However, if
you are seeing red and fear you will blurt out
or do something you regret, then call for a time out.
(12:56):
Tell your partner you need a moment alone and go
do some thing that relieves tension for you, like jogging
or a hot bath, and then go back once you
are calmer and resume the discussion. If your partner needs
a time out, respect their need for a little space
and wait for their queue. Do you have a problem
(13:19):
I can help with? If so, email me yet how
can I help? At Seneca women dot com, All centers
remain anonymous and listen every Friday to how can I
help with me? Dr Gail's Salts
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Everyone gets angry. Since
you and your spouse are not clones, you cannot always
agree on everything. When there is disagreement, there will be fighting. Actually,
(00:47):
you hope, because letting anger fester is definitely more destructive
than communicating it. Today, I have a listener question about
arguing with your has been Fighting in and of itself
is actually not the problem, but how you fight can
(01:08):
be not fighting at all because you've buried your anger
is really the worst case scenario. This allows hurts to
fester and then come out with being passive, aggressive or
distancing yourself, and both of these things can hurt your marriage.
(01:30):
Constantly venting your anger is also sub optimal for both
your marriage and for any children who are viewers of this.
Arguing is an appropriate tool to discuss constructively your disagreement
with your spouse, but being abusive, explosive, are hurtful is
(01:52):
not constructive and in the end both of you lose out.
Fighting in front of your children is generally speak being
a terrible idea. I say generally because I do think
it's okay and even helpful to see parents calmly disagree
and then find a compromise and make up. This shows
(02:15):
your children that you can love and respect someone very much,
but disagree with them and find a way to resolve it.
This is valuable for them as they navigate through relationships
in their life. On the other hand, yelling at each other,
being mean or hurtful in front of the children is
(02:39):
downright terrifying for them. It leaves them scared about your
love for each other and your love for them. So
no matter how angry you are, save it until you
are positive you can do it calmly or away from
them hearing you. Many a child has been trying smatized
(03:00):
by overhearing their parents scream and be abusive to each other.
This can damage their trust and ability to be intimate
with someone later in their lives, so don't let that happen.
With that in mind, let's get to my listeners question
and see how can I help dear doctor sels. My
(03:26):
husband and I have been together a lot more than
ever before because we have both been working from home
and now we are both back some of the time
but still remote some of the time, and much of
the time things are fine, but we have been fighting
more frequently. Often it's about stupid stuff in retrospect, like
(03:51):
emptying the dishwasher or taking out the garbage, but sometimes
it just seems like we are irritating each other and
then it just evolves into an argument. One of my
kids just asked me if Dad and I are going
to get a divorce. This really hit home that our
(04:12):
arguments are maybe too frequent, and I'm really not sure
what to do about it. Is it okay to be fighting?
Doesn't mean something is wrong with my marriage. Most couples
fight or bicker at least sometimes. An uptick in arguing
can mean many things. It can mean that either one
(04:36):
of you are struggling more emotionally with something which wouldn't
be surprising at this time, and that it's presenting as
being more irritable and argumentative for either one of you.
Or it could mean an issue is going on between
you in the setting of a pandemic, great fear, and uncertainty,
(05:03):
all of which are exacerbating mental health issues all around
for everyone and putting extra strain on couples. It's not
unusual that there could be an uptick in fighting, especially
as you mentioned being together so much more of the time.
(05:23):
What's most important is to discuss it. Discussing it doesn't
mean accusing each other of something. It means talking about
how each of you feel. Are you having a hard
time now? Are you feeling more stressed and irritable? Is
he together? Is this creating a short viuse for eruptions?
(05:51):
How can you discuss things before they get to an eruption?
Can you take turns listening to each other and empathy
vising with each other so as to feel more comfort
and support rather than feeling adversarial. When you do fight,
it should be a discussion of differences and feelings. This
(06:15):
creates when you have differences, but not contain attacks, name calling, insulting,
or certainly threats. Your tone should still contain the memory
that actually, you love this person and you don't want
to hurt them. You want to work out a problem
(06:37):
or disagreement you'd like him to take the garbage out
more than one time, and you can discuss that without snapping.
If your children are hearing meanness, sarcasm, cruelty, this will
scare them. How can you love and then do that
(07:01):
to each other? If you could do this to each other,
will you do this with them? You will end up
modeling this kind of behavior as how one fights, which
is not a good model at all. What fighting can
show your kids is how you can love and disagree
(07:23):
at the same time, how you can be mad at
someone and still love them all the way through. That
These are actually good lessons and will be important to
understand for their own future relationships. But you can also
show them that cruelty will never stand, that abuse is unacceptable,
(07:47):
whether emotional or physical, by being clear that you will
not let either one of you do such a thing,
and that if such a thing happens, you will walk
away and protect yourself. This is also an important model
for your children as they grow into relationships which you
(08:07):
hope will never be abusive. How can I help with
Dr Gail Salts will be back after the short break.
When fighting increases substantially, it means you need more discussion
(08:30):
in nonheated times, that's what needs to occur. One or
the other or both of you are likely having some
sort of an internal struggle. Your partner actually cannot make
you happy. People often expect their partner to make them happy,
(08:51):
but really, at the end of the day, only you
can make you happier. But your partner can help listen
to and be understanding about whatever your current struggle is,
and in doing so support you. So doing that can
go a long way to building more trust and comfort
(09:14):
with each other. So taking some time when you're not
feeling angry to do just that. You seem more irritable.
What's going on is something stressing you? Are you having
a lot of feelings that are difficult? Talk about it,
Talk more about what's going on for you internally, and
(09:36):
think together about ways to decrease each other's stress levels.
Maybe that's play, maybe that's taking up meditation together. This
will likely decrease the bubbling irritability that can lead to
more fights over small things. I hope that was helpful.
(10:00):
Here are some more strategies for optimizing your disagreements. It's
not about who's right. Inevitably, there are two sides to
any story. You are both likely partially right and wrong.
The point is not to win the argument. The point
is to find someplace that both of you can accept.
(10:24):
Be careful of generalizing during arguments. When we get mad,
we tend to want to attack with everything in our arsenal,
So you pull out every old heart and infraction your
spouse has ever committed, and this spends the fight out
of control and fans the flames. So stick to the
subject at hand and try to stay with the issue
(10:45):
that is causing the disagreement. Now. In addition, using old
things told to you in confidence as a method of
hurting them is a complete no no, as it will
ruin the trust your spouse has played sast in you
talk early. We often don't want to be angry with
(11:05):
our spouse, so we wait until we are fuming and
the problem has really worsened. The longer you wait, the
harder it gets to resolve the disagreement. It also unfairly
allows your spouse to keep sticking their foot in it.
So to speak. You know it's bugging you, but they don't,
so they keep digging themselves a deeper hole. That's soon
(11:28):
enough you will blow up about and attack them. For
so speak up sooner when the problem starts, and it
will be much easier to reach resolution. Listen and respect.
Nothing is more frustrating than feeling you are not hurt.
Let your spouse know you hear what they are saying too,
(11:51):
and you get how they are feeling. This will diffuse
their anger. Try while you listen to stand a bit
in your partners shoes in order to understand where they
are coming from. It will help you come to a resolution.
Never attack the other with abuse either physical or verbal,
with meanness, with cursing, with screaming, or threatening to leave them.
(12:15):
Treat them with the same respect you would want for yourself,
and think about how you finish your arguments versus having
a time out, because generally speaking, it's really best to
come to some sort of resolution without walking out during
an argument. It can be a compromise, or it can
(12:35):
be an agreement to disagree. Making up and reminding each
other how much you really care for, respect and love
each other at the end is also important. However, if
you are seeing red and fear you will blurt out
or do something you regret, then call for a time out.
(12:56):
Tell your partner you need a moment alone and go
do some thing that relieves tension for you, like jogging
or a hot bath, and then go back once you
are calmer and resume the discussion. If your partner needs
a time out, respect their need for a little space
and wait for their queue. Do you have a problem
(13:19):
I can help with? If so, email me yet how
can I help? At Seneca women dot com, All centers
remain anonymous and listen every Friday to how can I
help with me? Dr Gail's Salts
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