April 19, 2024 • 14 mins
When a wealth gap opens between you and a friend, it's hard not to be envious or try frantically to keep up. Dr. Saltz tells how to tame those feelings, and keep the relationship intact.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight, and advice. One of the most
difficult and therefore little spoken of issues to deal with
is friends and money. The reason has to do with
feelings of being competitive and envious. Today I'm answering a
(00:49):
question from a woman who is bothered by a financial
disparity with a friend. Actually telling people what you have
and what you make leaves you often feeling vulnerable to
comparison and therefore to either feeling envy or being envied,
and neither is a particularly enjoyable place to be. It
(01:12):
used to be that women tended to be more envious
over appearance and men more envious over money when it
came to friends, and this had its underpinnings in biology,
where women had to compete for a mate in a
time when the number of mates was limited with their
looks of health and fertility, and men had to compete
(01:33):
for a mate on his ability to provide stuff. We're
talking long ago for talking evolution, but today women are
finding out that they can provide their own stuff and
they like stuff. So women now feel envious about their
salaries and sometimes in addition, their mate's salaries. The overall
(01:55):
picture of who can have more stuff is really what's
at stake. Interestingly, studies have shown that most women would
rather have less money as long as their peers had
the same amount, rather than have more money if everyone
around them still had a lot more money than them.
(02:16):
This just demonstrates the impact of envy. Competition and envy
are not all bad. It is the competitive edge that
gets stirred, and this is what pushes many people ultimately
to dig in, work harder, strive for more success so
that you too can get good stuff. But when envy
(02:38):
becomes so great it causes you to be isolated, to
feel rejected, and in fact to lose friends, then it's
not so great. So the trick is how to be
aware of your envy and use it to further yourself,
but not let it consume you so that it ultimately
results in your failure. Things to consider are choosing the
(03:03):
pond you want to swim in. As the research I
mentioned suggested, you may be happier and more satisfied if
you choose friends who are in a similar financial situation.
If swimming in the big pond of people with a
lot more money and status makes you feel terrible all
the time, consider trying to make some friends who are
in the same pond you are. There's the issue of
(03:26):
excelling in your own To me, if you feel envious
of others who make a lot more money, look for
the arena that you have riches in. Perhaps you are
very artistic and creative. Perhaps you are a real social animal.
Look at your strengths when the green eyed monster shows up,
(03:47):
and remember what you feel good about and use your
envy to motivate. If you want to make more like
she does, then crank up your work notch creatively. Think
how you can move ahead, and if you fear being envied,
work on being empathic and gracious because people may try
(04:08):
to put you down in order to diminish their own insecurities,
but if you are extra gracious, they are more likely
to decide you are worth befriending and to have you
as an ally. So with that, let's turn to my
listener's question and ask, how can I help dear doctor sauls.
(04:31):
I finished college a year ago. I worked very hard,
and I did well, really well. I got a job
I am happy with given my career goals. But a
number of my friends, some of whom I room with
post college, got great jobs that pay more than mine,
and it's really because of the area they are pursuing,
(04:52):
which tends to pay more generally. I'm really okay with
making less because I like what I do, but I
also feel pressured to spend money I probably don't have
because my friend's often spending more because they do have it.
I realize I have to find a way to stop
doing this or I'll put myself in debt. As I've
(05:16):
started pulling back, it's been going mostly okay, except that
I have one friend. She's actually a really close and
good friend. But when I tell her I just can't
do that whatever it is, go out for dinner, get drinks,
go on a weekend trip. She seems to take it
personally like I just don't want to do it with her,
(05:38):
and acts hurt and mad at me. I'm really not
sure what to do about it? I really like her,
but this is actually making me mad because it's putting
me in a tough spot. I don't want to explode
this friendship. What can I do? Money is one of
the more difficult things to talk about in any relationship,
(06:00):
including friendships, but transparency in close friendships is such an
important part of communication, given you have changed tactics and
to be clear, moved in a smarter and more mature
direction by giving up things so that you can live
within your means. If you have not before specifically discussed
(06:21):
this planned pivot and why, then she may have no
idea and all she can see is you declining activities
with her, something she thinks is about her and not
about the cost, and something she may not into it
because she is making more money and she feels free
to do these things. Your best bet is to, as
(06:44):
soon as possible, ask her to have a talk where
you specifically tell her without specific numbers, if you wish
that you evaluated your salary versus your expenses and your
needs and realized a while back that you had to
make a substantial change in your spending or risk running
out of money to live, and that the way you
(07:08):
are managing it is to give up some of the
non essential expenses, like eating out. You want her to
know that these decisions have zero to do with her,
but because you did many of those things with her,
it may seem like they did. Tell her you'd love
to spend the same time and attention doing fun things
(07:30):
with her. You're a good friend, but that a good
number of them will have to be with an eye
towards the cost. You might propose some low cost or
no cost adventures that you can do together, having a
picnic in the yard, pregaming a cocktail at home before
going out, having a camping adventure to still spend quality time,
(07:52):
fun time, but without spending the money. I wouldn't suggest
you asked your friend to treat you that can build
a new resentment of its own, but I would say
that if occasionally she offers because she understands the disparity
and she wants to do the thing that costs that
much money from time to time. Letter, but overall, your
(08:15):
goal is to help her understand where you are coming from,
to reassure her you value the friendship and yet have
to deal with reality, and that you hope that she
can join with you at times to help you still
stay within your own budget. If you are clear that
you don't begrudge her, that you appreciate her as a friend,
(08:36):
and that turndowns are turndowns of expenses, not her, it's
likely she will get it. If she doesn't get it,
there may be limits to the depth of this friendship,
and you might find you'll need a little distance. What
won't work is letting a friend push you into destructive
behavior like spending beyond your means, because that too will
(09:01):
build not only a debt, but resentment that ultimately will
harm the relationship in the long run. I hope that
was helpful. Back in a moment with tips to manage
money friendship discrepancies. Back with some tips. How can you
(09:27):
handle a friendship where the friend or friends have more money?
Handling friendships where there's a financial disparity can sometimes feel awkward,
but it doesn't have to be a barrier. First, the
financial differences of created tension or discomfort, it's more than
okay to talk about it. Let your friend know that
(09:47):
you value the friendship and want to ensure that both
of you feel comfortable. Then focus on your shared interests.
Money doesn't have to be the focus of your friendship.
Emphasize activities and interests that you both enjoy, regardless of
the cost. Be honest about your budget. If your friends
(10:09):
suggests an expensive activity or a restaurant that are beyond
your means, don't be afraid to say no, but do
suggest an alternative that is more affordable, or offer to
take turns choosing activities that fit everyone's budget. Celebrate each
other's successes. If your friend's financial situation allows them to
(10:30):
enjoy certain luxuries, celebrate those achievements with them. Remember true
friends are happy for each other's successes regardless of their
financial status, and try to avoid comparisons. It's easy to
fall into the trap of comparing yourself to your friend's
lifestyle or possessions, but remember everyone's financial situation is different
(10:55):
and there is more to life than just material wealth.
Think about contributing in other ways. You might not be
able to match your friend's financial contribution in certain situations,
but you can contribute in other ways, like offering emotional support,
helping with certain tasks, sharing your time and your talents,
(11:16):
and set some boundaries. If your friend's wealth becomes a
source of tension, or they make you feel uncomfortable by
constantly flawding it. It's important to set boundaries and communicate
your feelings. Ultimately, the strength of a friendship isn't determined
by financial status, but by mutual respect, understanding, and support.
(11:39):
Focus on nurturing these aspects of your relationship, which will
help your friendship thrive regardless of the financial difference. And
how about if you have friends that really have less
money than you, This requires sensitivity and understanding. Avoid making
them feel that because of the money difference, they are
(11:59):
in any way way inferior. Don't flaunt your wealth or
make your friend feel inadequate. Treat them with respect, the
same respect and kindness that you would anyone and that
you expect to be yourself. And choose some affordable activities
when making plans, pick something that's within your friend's budget
(12:21):
to ensure that they feel comfortable and included in social gatherings.
Sometimes you might offer to cover an expense with them.
I wouldn't make a habit of it. Don't always pay
for everything, but cover the cost of activity or a
meal every once in a while can be a kind
of gesture that helps alleviate the financial strain. Your friend
(12:42):
may be feeling. Being mindful of their situation, understanding that
they have limitations that affects their ability to participate in
certain activities or buy certain things is just being respectful
and empathic, because otherwise you are putting pressure on them
to keep up with your lifestyle. Focus on the non
(13:05):
material aspects of your friendship, because a true friendship is
built on shared experiences and trust and emotional support, not
on material possessions. So it's not what you can buy together,
but what you can do together, and what meaningful conversations
and quality time you can spend together. Do respect their privacy.
(13:30):
Prying into their financial situation or making assumptions about their
choices is not your place. Respect their privacy and allow
them to share what they're comfortable sharing in their own time.
And you can support them in other ways if you're
in a position to do so. Support them in ways
that don't involve money. It might be listening to them,
(13:54):
helping them with a practical task, or simply being there
for them during a difficult time enough financially difficult time,
and be patient and understanding because everyone's financial situation is
different and your friend might be dealing with challenges and
stresses you're just not aware of, So be understanding, supportive,
(14:15):
let them know you're there for them, because when you're
considerate and respectful and supportive, you maintain a strong and
meaningful friendship regardless of a financial difference, and this will
benefit both of you in the long run. Do you
have a problem I can help with? If so, email
(14:36):
me at how Can I Help? At senecawomen dot com.
All centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday to how
can I Help with Me? Doctor Gail's Saltz
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight, and advice. One of the most
difficult and therefore little spoken of issues to deal with
is friends and money. The reason has to do with
feelings of being competitive and envious. Today I'm answering a
(00:49):
question from a woman who is bothered by a financial
disparity with a friend. Actually telling people what you have
and what you make leaves you often feeling vulnerable to
comparison and therefore to either feeling envy or being envied,
and neither is a particularly enjoyable place to be. It
(01:12):
used to be that women tended to be more envious
over appearance and men more envious over money when it
came to friends, and this had its underpinnings in biology,
where women had to compete for a mate in a
time when the number of mates was limited with their
looks of health and fertility, and men had to compete
(01:33):
for a mate on his ability to provide stuff. We're
talking long ago for talking evolution, but today women are
finding out that they can provide their own stuff and
they like stuff. So women now feel envious about their
salaries and sometimes in addition, their mate's salaries. The overall
(01:55):
picture of who can have more stuff is really what's
at stake. Interestingly, studies have shown that most women would
rather have less money as long as their peers had
the same amount, rather than have more money if everyone
around them still had a lot more money than them.
(02:16):
This just demonstrates the impact of envy. Competition and envy
are not all bad. It is the competitive edge that
gets stirred, and this is what pushes many people ultimately
to dig in, work harder, strive for more success so
that you too can get good stuff. But when envy
(02:38):
becomes so great it causes you to be isolated, to
feel rejected, and in fact to lose friends, then it's
not so great. So the trick is how to be
aware of your envy and use it to further yourself,
but not let it consume you so that it ultimately
results in your failure. Things to consider are choosing the
(03:03):
pond you want to swim in. As the research I
mentioned suggested, you may be happier and more satisfied if
you choose friends who are in a similar financial situation.
If swimming in the big pond of people with a
lot more money and status makes you feel terrible all
the time, consider trying to make some friends who are
in the same pond you are. There's the issue of
(03:26):
excelling in your own To me, if you feel envious
of others who make a lot more money, look for
the arena that you have riches in. Perhaps you are
very artistic and creative. Perhaps you are a real social animal.
Look at your strengths when the green eyed monster shows up,
(03:47):
and remember what you feel good about and use your
envy to motivate. If you want to make more like
she does, then crank up your work notch creatively. Think
how you can move ahead, and if you fear being envied,
work on being empathic and gracious because people may try
(04:08):
to put you down in order to diminish their own insecurities,
but if you are extra gracious, they are more likely
to decide you are worth befriending and to have you
as an ally. So with that, let's turn to my
listener's question and ask, how can I help dear doctor sauls.
(04:31):
I finished college a year ago. I worked very hard,
and I did well, really well. I got a job
I am happy with given my career goals. But a
number of my friends, some of whom I room with
post college, got great jobs that pay more than mine,
and it's really because of the area they are pursuing,
(04:52):
which tends to pay more generally. I'm really okay with
making less because I like what I do, but I
also feel pressured to spend money I probably don't have
because my friend's often spending more because they do have it.
I realize I have to find a way to stop
doing this or I'll put myself in debt. As I've
(05:16):
started pulling back, it's been going mostly okay, except that
I have one friend. She's actually a really close and
good friend. But when I tell her I just can't
do that whatever it is, go out for dinner, get drinks,
go on a weekend trip. She seems to take it
personally like I just don't want to do it with her,
(05:38):
and acts hurt and mad at me. I'm really not
sure what to do about it? I really like her,
but this is actually making me mad because it's putting
me in a tough spot. I don't want to explode
this friendship. What can I do? Money is one of
the more difficult things to talk about in any relationship,
(06:00):
including friendships, but transparency in close friendships is such an
important part of communication, given you have changed tactics and
to be clear, moved in a smarter and more mature
direction by giving up things so that you can live
within your means. If you have not before specifically discussed
(06:21):
this planned pivot and why, then she may have no
idea and all she can see is you declining activities
with her, something she thinks is about her and not
about the cost, and something she may not into it
because she is making more money and she feels free
to do these things. Your best bet is to, as
(06:44):
soon as possible, ask her to have a talk where
you specifically tell her without specific numbers, if you wish
that you evaluated your salary versus your expenses and your
needs and realized a while back that you had to
make a substantial change in your spending or risk running
out of money to live, and that the way you
(07:08):
are managing it is to give up some of the
non essential expenses, like eating out. You want her to
know that these decisions have zero to do with her,
but because you did many of those things with her,
it may seem like they did. Tell her you'd love
to spend the same time and attention doing fun things
(07:30):
with her. You're a good friend, but that a good
number of them will have to be with an eye
towards the cost. You might propose some low cost or
no cost adventures that you can do together, having a
picnic in the yard, pregaming a cocktail at home before
going out, having a camping adventure to still spend quality time,
(07:52):
fun time, but without spending the money. I wouldn't suggest
you asked your friend to treat you that can build
a new resentment of its own, but I would say
that if occasionally she offers because she understands the disparity
and she wants to do the thing that costs that
much money from time to time. Letter, but overall, your
(08:15):
goal is to help her understand where you are coming from,
to reassure her you value the friendship and yet have
to deal with reality, and that you hope that she
can join with you at times to help you still
stay within your own budget. If you are clear that
you don't begrudge her, that you appreciate her as a friend,
(08:36):
and that turndowns are turndowns of expenses, not her, it's
likely she will get it. If she doesn't get it,
there may be limits to the depth of this friendship,
and you might find you'll need a little distance. What
won't work is letting a friend push you into destructive
behavior like spending beyond your means, because that too will
(09:01):
build not only a debt, but resentment that ultimately will
harm the relationship in the long run. I hope that
was helpful. Back in a moment with tips to manage
money friendship discrepancies. Back with some tips. How can you
(09:27):
handle a friendship where the friend or friends have more money?
Handling friendships where there's a financial disparity can sometimes feel awkward,
but it doesn't have to be a barrier. First, the
financial differences of created tension or discomfort, it's more than
okay to talk about it. Let your friend know that
(09:47):
you value the friendship and want to ensure that both
of you feel comfortable. Then focus on your shared interests.
Money doesn't have to be the focus of your friendship.
Emphasize activities and interests that you both enjoy, regardless of
the cost. Be honest about your budget. If your friends
(10:09):
suggests an expensive activity or a restaurant that are beyond
your means, don't be afraid to say no, but do
suggest an alternative that is more affordable, or offer to
take turns choosing activities that fit everyone's budget. Celebrate each
other's successes. If your friend's financial situation allows them to
(10:30):
enjoy certain luxuries, celebrate those achievements with them. Remember true
friends are happy for each other's successes regardless of their
financial status, and try to avoid comparisons. It's easy to
fall into the trap of comparing yourself to your friend's
lifestyle or possessions, but remember everyone's financial situation is different
(10:55):
and there is more to life than just material wealth.
Think about contributing in other ways. You might not be
able to match your friend's financial contribution in certain situations,
but you can contribute in other ways, like offering emotional support,
helping with certain tasks, sharing your time and your talents,
(11:16):
and set some boundaries. If your friend's wealth becomes a
source of tension, or they make you feel uncomfortable by
constantly flawding it. It's important to set boundaries and communicate
your feelings. Ultimately, the strength of a friendship isn't determined
by financial status, but by mutual respect, understanding, and support.
(11:39):
Focus on nurturing these aspects of your relationship, which will
help your friendship thrive regardless of the financial difference. And
how about if you have friends that really have less
money than you, This requires sensitivity and understanding. Avoid making
them feel that because of the money difference, they are
(11:59):
in any way way inferior. Don't flaunt your wealth or
make your friend feel inadequate. Treat them with respect, the
same respect and kindness that you would anyone and that
you expect to be yourself. And choose some affordable activities
when making plans, pick something that's within your friend's budget
(12:21):
to ensure that they feel comfortable and included in social gatherings.
Sometimes you might offer to cover an expense with them.
I wouldn't make a habit of it. Don't always pay
for everything, but cover the cost of activity or a
meal every once in a while can be a kind
of gesture that helps alleviate the financial strain. Your friend
(12:42):
may be feeling. Being mindful of their situation, understanding that
they have limitations that affects their ability to participate in
certain activities or buy certain things is just being respectful
and empathic, because otherwise you are putting pressure on them
to keep up with your lifestyle. Focus on the non
(13:05):
material aspects of your friendship, because a true friendship is
built on shared experiences and trust and emotional support, not
on material possessions. So it's not what you can buy together,
but what you can do together, and what meaningful conversations
and quality time you can spend together. Do respect their privacy.
(13:30):
Prying into their financial situation or making assumptions about their
choices is not your place. Respect their privacy and allow
them to share what they're comfortable sharing in their own time.
And you can support them in other ways if you're
in a position to do so. Support them in ways
that don't involve money. It might be listening to them,
(13:54):
helping them with a practical task, or simply being there
for them during a difficult time enough financially difficult time,
and be patient and understanding because everyone's financial situation is
different and your friend might be dealing with challenges and
stresses you're just not aware of, So be understanding, supportive,
(14:15):
let them know you're there for them, because when you're
considerate and respectful and supportive, you maintain a strong and
meaningful friendship regardless of a financial difference, and this will
benefit both of you in the long run. Do you
have a problem I can help with? If so, email
(14:36):
me at how Can I Help? At senecawomen dot com.
All centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday to how
can I Help with Me? Doctor Gail's Saltz
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