May 5, 2023 • 16 mins
Ghosting hurts. It can cause feelings of confusion, self-doubt, and a sense of worthlessness. And it can have negative consequences for the person doing the ghosting, too. Dr. Saltz helps a listener move past a ghosting incident—and reveals why ghosting is something we should never, ever do.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight, and advice. Ghosting is a phenomenon
where a person suddenly stops all communication and contact with
another person without any explaining or warning. There has been
a substantial rise in this phenomenon of ghosting, especially in
(00:48):
the app dating world, where many people find the stake
slow and they find it easy to ghost. So today
I'm answering a listener's question about how to deal with
being ghosts. There are multiple reasons why people might ghost
someone else, avoiding confrontation. Some people feel so uncomfortable or
(01:11):
anxious about communicating their feelings or breaking off a relationship,
so instead they choose to avoid it altogether by ghosting.
Sometimes people lose interest in the other person or in
the relationship, and feel that it's easier to just disappear
than to explain their lack of interest. Other times, people
(01:35):
might fear that they will hurt the other person's feelings
by communicating their true feelings, so they opt instead to
ghost them. Another issue is conflict avoidance. If there's been
a disagreement or a conflict between two people, one might
choose to ghost the other in order to avoid having
(01:57):
any sort of conflict or confrontation. And some people just
lack social skills. They lack the social skills needed to
communicate effectively, and so they choose to ghost instead of
facing the awkwardness of the situation for themselves. While ghosting
is in fact hurtful and confusing for the people ghosted,
(02:21):
it is important to remember that it is not necessarily
a reflection of that person's worth. In fact, the reasons
behind ghosting often have more to do with the person
who did the ghosting than the person who is ghosted.
One reason why it might be more prevalent on dating
(02:43):
apps is the ease of communication and the vast number
of options available to people. With the swipe of a finger,
users can easily move onto the next potential match, making
it tempting to avoid difficult conversations or confrontations. Additionally, the
(03:03):
lack of face to face interaction, and the anonymity of
online communication makes it easier for people to disconnect from
others and avoid taking any responsibility for their actions. Ghosting
is a relatively common phenomenon, especially in the age of
digital communication, where it's easy to simply stop responding to
(03:27):
messages or calls. In twenty eighteen, a survey by the
dating app plenty of Fish found that eighty percent of
millennials reported having been ghosted at least once. A survey
by you gov in twenty twenty found that twenty eight
percent of adults in the US reported having ghosted someone
(03:51):
and thirty seven percent reported having been ghosted themselves. It's
important to know that these surveys may not reflect the
full extent of ghosting. However, because many people don't report
or acknowledge that it has happened to them, it can
have psychologically significant impact on the person who has been ghosted,
(04:13):
leaving the person feeling confused and hurt, especially if they
were emotionally invested in the relationship, and the lack of
closure and explanation can be difficult to understand and accept.
Being ghosted can lead to self doubt and feelings of inadequacy.
(04:35):
You may wonder what did I do wrong? Or you
might question your worth, which can be damaging in the
end to your self esteem. Ghosting can create trust issues,
making it harder for the person affected to open up
and form connections with others in the future. And without
closure or explanation, it can be very challenged for the
(05:00):
person who's been affected to move on from that relationship
or that situation. They might continue to hold on to
hope maybe they'll contact me at some point, or feelings
of attachment, and that makes it harder to heal and
move forward. Overall, ghosting can have a profound impact on
(05:22):
the emotional and psychological wellbeing of the person affected. It's
essential to communicate openly and honestly in any kind of
relationship and to treat other people with respect and compassion.
But I will also say that ghosting can also have
(05:43):
long term impact on the person who ghosted you because
that person never learns how to have sometimes difficult but
necessary communications with a person and thereby solve problems and
grow intimacy for themselves. That means that that person may
have difficulty having a good and long lasting relationship in
(06:05):
their future. And in addition, people who ghost often find
themselves struggling with guilt later over their behavior. In other words,
if you are listening to this podcast, I urge you,
no matter how minimal it might be or how difficult
(06:26):
the communication might feel, don't ghost anyone. It's really a
dysfunctional and often enough cruel thing to do to anyone.
So with that, right after the break, we'll get to
my listener's question. Welcome back. Let's get to my listener's
(06:58):
question and see how how can I help, Dear doctor Saltz.
I have been using several dating apps to date. So
far I have not found a great relationship. And one
thing I fear maybe holding me back, is that a
few months ago I had gone on several dates with
(07:19):
someone who I was really liking, and it seemed from
the things that he was saying to me, both in
person and by text, and he was really liking me too.
And then, one day, for absolutely no reason I can discern,
because the last time we had spoken at the end
(07:40):
of a date he said that this was so fun.
I really like seeing you, and let's do this again,
he just seemingly disappeared. He did not text or call,
and after a few days I texted him saying hey,
want to plan another date? And I got no answer.
(08:03):
Over the next week, I texted twice more, saying hey
want to get together and is everything okay? And nothing.
I never got another word. I felt mystified, hurt and embarrassed,
(08:24):
and I can't understand what in the world happened. It
made me question myself. Did I do something wrong that
I didn't know about? Do I have no capacity to
read if someone actually likes me or is about to
dump me. It really messed with my trust. Now when
(08:46):
a guy says, hey, I like you, I don't really
know if I should believe him. I'm kind of holding back,
figuring any time now this guy could just disappear. The
same time, I'm realizing that it's making me less able
to be forthcoming about my own feelings and actually harder
(09:07):
for me to even admit to myself what my own
feelings are. I actually am still thinking about this ghosting,
and I don't know how to move on and stop
being upset about it. I need help. What you experienced
was hurtful, and your hurt response is understandable, but your
(09:30):
self recriminations are misplaced. The truth is, after several dates,
you don't really know someone emotionally, you know them more superficially.
What he did says much more about him than it
does about you. What it says about him you may
(09:53):
never know. He may be a coward emotionally unable to
say he didn't feel enough to continue dating. It may
be he isn't able to be comfortable with actual intimacy himself.
It may be something going on in his life or
emotional situation that prevents him from continuing to date right now,
(10:17):
but it really doesn't matter which The end result is.
He not only did not have the capacity to continue dating,
he didn't have the capacity to show you the respect
and civility of telling you that. And as painful as
that was to you, you should know that you are
(10:39):
actually lucky you found that out a few dates in
and not a few months or a few years, when
you would have wasted more time and felt more hurt.
The man who did this, in other words, isn't a
man who you would have gone on to have a
(10:59):
meet meaningful and fulfilling relationship with. Because of who he is.
You keep thinking about it because you don't feel and
in fact, did not get to have closure. It might
be helpful to write a letter that you will not
send to the person who ghosted you, to put onto
(11:22):
paper the things that you would have liked to have
said if you'd had the opportunity, and to then do
something that gives a person a sense of closure for you.
This might be tearing it up, burning it, burying it
in your backyard, something that gives you. And this is done,
(11:45):
and then reframe your view of this. This means something
about him, not you. The thing this means is it's
a sign he could not have been the man you
would have wanted, so sooner better than later, and now
you've been freed up to spend time finding someone much
(12:08):
more deserving of your time, of your emotional health, of
your care, and your intimacy. It's okay to be more
wary in the earliest phase of a relationship that you
don't yet know this person well and therefore can only
trust them so much until, as we do with relationships
(12:30):
that go on to be important, learn to know them
better over time and grow that trust. But this also
means little by little being more vulnerable and trusting them
more along the way. It's also okay, as you get
(12:50):
to know someone to let them know if there is
a problem that you would want to know what it
is if they feel that this isn't working between you,
that it's okay. In fact, more than okay. It's important
to let you know that you are a communicator and
you would like to be communicated to good or bad,
(13:13):
but that ghosting is not something you'd ever expect from
them or do to them. I hope that was helpful.
Being ghosted can be painful and confusing, but there are
steps you can take to deal with it psychologically and
move forward. Acknowledge your emotions. It's normal to feel hurt, rejected, angry,
(13:41):
or confused when you're ghosted. You don't need to suppress
or ignore your emotions. Instead, allow yourself to feel them
and then to process them. You can talk to a
friend about it, you can write things in a journal
about it. You can even seek support from a therapist
(14:01):
if that would be helpful. Next, reframe your perspective. Try
to see the situation from a different angle. Instead of
seeing yourself as being rejected, view it as an opportunity
to focus on yourself, your goals, and your self care
(14:21):
and to know that this had more to do with them,
and this will set you on a different path. That
will not include them, which is probably all for the best.
Practice self compassion. Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Don't
blame yourself or engage in negative self talk. Remind yourself
(14:46):
you are worthy of love and respect. This was not it,
but you're worthy of it and that's what you'll seek
in the future. Try not to take it personally. Ghostings
says more about them than it says about you. It
may not have anything to do with your worth or
(15:07):
value as a person. Create closure for yourself. Closure doesn't
always come from the other person. You can create your
own closure by, for example, writing a letter to that
person but not necessarily sending it, Doing a ritual or
activity that represents closure for you, and think about how
(15:31):
to move forward. Engage in activities that you enjoy, go
out and meet new people, practice self growth, and remember
your worth is not defined by one person's actions. Ultimately,
you can learn from this experience. You can reflect on
(15:52):
what you've learned and use it to grow and to
set boundaries for yourself for future relationships, for example, being
able early in a relationship to say how important communication
is to you, to discuss if any problems come up,
and how they can be resolved, or if it's not
(16:12):
working out, to have some sort of closure. Remember, healing
from being ghosted takes time, so be patient and gentle
with yourself. It's okay to seek support from others if
you're really struggling to cope. Do you have a problem
I can help with? If so, email me at how
(16:35):
Can I Help? At senecawomen dot com. All centers remain
anonymous and listen every Friday to how can I help
with Me? Doctor Gale's Salts
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight, and advice. Ghosting is a phenomenon
where a person suddenly stops all communication and contact with
another person without any explaining or warning. There has been
a substantial rise in this phenomenon of ghosting, especially in
(00:48):
the app dating world, where many people find the stake
slow and they find it easy to ghost. So today
I'm answering a listener's question about how to deal with
being ghosts. There are multiple reasons why people might ghost
someone else, avoiding confrontation. Some people feel so uncomfortable or
(01:11):
anxious about communicating their feelings or breaking off a relationship,
so instead they choose to avoid it altogether by ghosting.
Sometimes people lose interest in the other person or in
the relationship, and feel that it's easier to just disappear
than to explain their lack of interest. Other times, people
(01:35):
might fear that they will hurt the other person's feelings
by communicating their true feelings, so they opt instead to
ghost them. Another issue is conflict avoidance. If there's been
a disagreement or a conflict between two people, one might
choose to ghost the other in order to avoid having
(01:57):
any sort of conflict or confrontation. And some people just
lack social skills. They lack the social skills needed to
communicate effectively, and so they choose to ghost instead of
facing the awkwardness of the situation for themselves. While ghosting
is in fact hurtful and confusing for the people ghosted,
(02:21):
it is important to remember that it is not necessarily
a reflection of that person's worth. In fact, the reasons
behind ghosting often have more to do with the person
who did the ghosting than the person who is ghosted.
One reason why it might be more prevalent on dating
(02:43):
apps is the ease of communication and the vast number
of options available to people. With the swipe of a finger,
users can easily move onto the next potential match, making
it tempting to avoid difficult conversations or confrontations. Additionally, the
(03:03):
lack of face to face interaction, and the anonymity of
online communication makes it easier for people to disconnect from
others and avoid taking any responsibility for their actions. Ghosting
is a relatively common phenomenon, especially in the age of
digital communication, where it's easy to simply stop responding to
(03:27):
messages or calls. In twenty eighteen, a survey by the
dating app plenty of Fish found that eighty percent of
millennials reported having been ghosted at least once. A survey
by you gov in twenty twenty found that twenty eight
percent of adults in the US reported having ghosted someone
(03:51):
and thirty seven percent reported having been ghosted themselves. It's
important to know that these surveys may not reflect the
full extent of ghosting. However, because many people don't report
or acknowledge that it has happened to them, it can
have psychologically significant impact on the person who has been ghosted,
(04:13):
leaving the person feeling confused and hurt, especially if they
were emotionally invested in the relationship, and the lack of
closure and explanation can be difficult to understand and accept.
Being ghosted can lead to self doubt and feelings of inadequacy.
(04:35):
You may wonder what did I do wrong? Or you
might question your worth, which can be damaging in the
end to your self esteem. Ghosting can create trust issues,
making it harder for the person affected to open up
and form connections with others in the future. And without
closure or explanation, it can be very challenged for the
(05:00):
person who's been affected to move on from that relationship
or that situation. They might continue to hold on to
hope maybe they'll contact me at some point, or feelings
of attachment, and that makes it harder to heal and
move forward. Overall, ghosting can have a profound impact on
(05:22):
the emotional and psychological wellbeing of the person affected. It's
essential to communicate openly and honestly in any kind of
relationship and to treat other people with respect and compassion.
But I will also say that ghosting can also have
(05:43):
long term impact on the person who ghosted you because
that person never learns how to have sometimes difficult but
necessary communications with a person and thereby solve problems and
grow intimacy for themselves. That means that that person may
have difficulty having a good and long lasting relationship in
(06:05):
their future. And in addition, people who ghost often find
themselves struggling with guilt later over their behavior. In other words,
if you are listening to this podcast, I urge you,
no matter how minimal it might be or how difficult
(06:26):
the communication might feel, don't ghost anyone. It's really a
dysfunctional and often enough cruel thing to do to anyone.
So with that, right after the break, we'll get to
my listener's question. Welcome back. Let's get to my listener's
(06:58):
question and see how how can I help, Dear doctor Saltz.
I have been using several dating apps to date. So
far I have not found a great relationship. And one
thing I fear maybe holding me back, is that a
few months ago I had gone on several dates with
(07:19):
someone who I was really liking, and it seemed from
the things that he was saying to me, both in
person and by text, and he was really liking me too.
And then, one day, for absolutely no reason I can discern,
because the last time we had spoken at the end
(07:40):
of a date he said that this was so fun.
I really like seeing you, and let's do this again,
he just seemingly disappeared. He did not text or call,
and after a few days I texted him saying hey,
want to plan another date? And I got no answer.
(08:03):
Over the next week, I texted twice more, saying hey
want to get together and is everything okay? And nothing.
I never got another word. I felt mystified, hurt and embarrassed,
(08:24):
and I can't understand what in the world happened. It
made me question myself. Did I do something wrong that
I didn't know about? Do I have no capacity to
read if someone actually likes me or is about to
dump me. It really messed with my trust. Now when
(08:46):
a guy says, hey, I like you, I don't really
know if I should believe him. I'm kind of holding back,
figuring any time now this guy could just disappear. The
same time, I'm realizing that it's making me less able
to be forthcoming about my own feelings and actually harder
(09:07):
for me to even admit to myself what my own
feelings are. I actually am still thinking about this ghosting,
and I don't know how to move on and stop
being upset about it. I need help. What you experienced
was hurtful, and your hurt response is understandable, but your
(09:30):
self recriminations are misplaced. The truth is, after several dates,
you don't really know someone emotionally, you know them more superficially.
What he did says much more about him than it
does about you. What it says about him you may
(09:53):
never know. He may be a coward emotionally unable to
say he didn't feel enough to continue dating. It may
be he isn't able to be comfortable with actual intimacy himself.
It may be something going on in his life or
emotional situation that prevents him from continuing to date right now,
(10:17):
but it really doesn't matter which The end result is.
He not only did not have the capacity to continue dating,
he didn't have the capacity to show you the respect
and civility of telling you that. And as painful as
that was to you, you should know that you are
(10:39):
actually lucky you found that out a few dates in
and not a few months or a few years, when
you would have wasted more time and felt more hurt.
The man who did this, in other words, isn't a
man who you would have gone on to have a
(10:59):
meet meaningful and fulfilling relationship with. Because of who he is.
You keep thinking about it because you don't feel and
in fact, did not get to have closure. It might
be helpful to write a letter that you will not
send to the person who ghosted you, to put onto
(11:22):
paper the things that you would have liked to have
said if you'd had the opportunity, and to then do
something that gives a person a sense of closure for you.
This might be tearing it up, burning it, burying it
in your backyard, something that gives you. And this is done,
(11:45):
and then reframe your view of this. This means something
about him, not you. The thing this means is it's
a sign he could not have been the man you
would have wanted, so sooner better than later, and now
you've been freed up to spend time finding someone much
(12:08):
more deserving of your time, of your emotional health, of
your care, and your intimacy. It's okay to be more
wary in the earliest phase of a relationship that you
don't yet know this person well and therefore can only
trust them so much until, as we do with relationships
(12:30):
that go on to be important, learn to know them
better over time and grow that trust. But this also
means little by little being more vulnerable and trusting them
more along the way. It's also okay, as you get
(12:50):
to know someone to let them know if there is
a problem that you would want to know what it
is if they feel that this isn't working between you,
that it's okay. In fact, more than okay. It's important
to let you know that you are a communicator and
you would like to be communicated to good or bad,
(13:13):
but that ghosting is not something you'd ever expect from
them or do to them. I hope that was helpful.
Being ghosted can be painful and confusing, but there are
steps you can take to deal with it psychologically and
move forward. Acknowledge your emotions. It's normal to feel hurt, rejected, angry,
(13:41):
or confused when you're ghosted. You don't need to suppress
or ignore your emotions. Instead, allow yourself to feel them
and then to process them. You can talk to a
friend about it, you can write things in a journal
about it. You can even seek support from a therapist
(14:01):
if that would be helpful. Next, reframe your perspective. Try
to see the situation from a different angle. Instead of
seeing yourself as being rejected, view it as an opportunity
to focus on yourself, your goals, and your self care
(14:21):
and to know that this had more to do with them,
and this will set you on a different path. That
will not include them, which is probably all for the best.
Practice self compassion. Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Don't
blame yourself or engage in negative self talk. Remind yourself
(14:46):
you are worthy of love and respect. This was not it,
but you're worthy of it and that's what you'll seek
in the future. Try not to take it personally. Ghostings
says more about them than it says about you. It
may not have anything to do with your worth or
(15:07):
value as a person. Create closure for yourself. Closure doesn't
always come from the other person. You can create your
own closure by, for example, writing a letter to that
person but not necessarily sending it, Doing a ritual or
activity that represents closure for you, and think about how
(15:31):
to move forward. Engage in activities that you enjoy, go
out and meet new people, practice self growth, and remember
your worth is not defined by one person's actions. Ultimately,
you can learn from this experience. You can reflect on
(15:52):
what you've learned and use it to grow and to
set boundaries for yourself for future relationships, for example, being
able early in a relationship to say how important communication
is to you, to discuss if any problems come up,
and how they can be resolved, or if it's not
(16:12):
working out, to have some sort of closure. Remember, healing
from being ghosted takes time, so be patient and gentle
with yourself. It's okay to seek support from others if
you're really struggling to cope. Do you have a problem
I can help with? If so, email me at how
(16:35):
Can I Help? At senecawomen dot com. All centers remain
anonymous and listen every Friday to how can I help
with Me? Doctor Gale's Salts
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