July 8, 2022 • 13 mins
Bullying can cause anxiety and even depression in children. Now, before the next school year starts, is the time to get ahead of the problem. Dr. Saltz helps a listener whose 10-year-old daughter is being picked on—and shares an amazingly effective way to stop a bully in her tracks.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I help? I'm Dr
Gail Salt. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. There are a few
really important topics to discuss with your child at the
start of school because they come up so often and
being informed ahead of time can really help them and you.
Many things can happen at the start of school. Children
(00:48):
often feel anxiety about the social scene, about academic stresses
and competition, about being in a new classroom. When parents
talk about some things ahead of time and give them
some tools to use as things come up, it can
help both parents and chime. One important topic is socializing
(01:12):
and bullying. Another is academic struggles and what might be
going on. So today I'm answering a question from a
listener about bullying. Getting bullied is a traumatic experience for
a child. It diminishes self esteem, leaves kids feeling depressed
(01:32):
and anxious, and can have long lasting effects. And of
course modern technology creates more opportunities for bullying than ever before.
Why do kids torture each other this way? It's normal
for children to have some aggression. The question is how
(01:54):
much they have, what they do with it, what parents
are teaching them at home about it, and what's being
modeled for that child in terms of managing their own aggression.
Kids who are bullied at home are far more likely
to go out and bully other kids. But the number
(02:15):
of kids who bully others because they truly have sociopathy,
ruing or are oppositional defiant kids who may in fact
derive gratification from the pain of others is a relatively
small number compared to the amount of bullying that goes
on others. And this is particularly true for girls who
(02:40):
may actually have a high social i que and know
how to work a system, will use bullying for power
to fortify their position. Here again, parents are influential. Are
the parents expecting this child to be the powerful one?
(03:00):
Are they sending either overt or covert messages that they
want their child to be important, to be popular, to
be feared Insecurity can also drive bullying. The feeling that
unless you're the bully, you will be the powerless one. Also, unfortunately,
(03:21):
there are now many more opportunities for bullying. Certainly, the
Internet and cell phones and all the social networking technology
have opened up this whole arena of ways to bully.
In some ways, cyber bullying is more insidious and scary
(03:41):
from the perspective of an adult, in that it's twenty
four seven. A child who is being bullied at school
at least comes home at some point and is safe
with her family. With the computer that potentially never goes
away at any time, you could turn it on and
find that someone has written something to shame and humiliate you,
(04:04):
and you might not even know who is doing that
to you. With that, let's turn to my listener's question
and seeing how can I help, Dear Doctor Saults. My
ten year old daughter has experienced bullying this past year.
Girls being mean and saying things about her and excluding her.
(04:29):
It is so upsetting to her that sometimes she doesn't
want to go to school. The school year has ended
and she has already wound up about starting school again
in September because she fears being bullied. What can I
do to help her? I would definitely talk to your
(04:49):
daughter about devising a game plan to help her with
this issue. Long term bullying can have very negative consequences
on children, causing them a lot of anxiety and even depression,
and even long term this is not a kid's will
be kids sort of problem. First off, if there are
(05:11):
particular children doing the bullying, speak to your school now
about how to have your daughter placed in a different classroom.
Then that girl or those girls just having space can
actually help. Then talk to your daughter about what exactly
(05:32):
has been happening and how to create other types of space.
This might be blocking them from social media. This might
be not looking at their social media. This could be
documenting anything written or visible in the past or in
the present in case it is needed for reporting, and
(05:53):
of course, if any threats are made at all, actually
reporting this to her school or if need be, depending
on the level of threat to law enforcement. Mostly you
should discuss a game plan of enlisting bystanders with her.
What is a bystander. It's basically a friend or two
(06:17):
who over the summer you can help her increase her
bond with and then discuss with having each other's backs.
By that, I mean that in the moment, being able
to stand up verbally for each other. Now, standing up
doesn't mean bullying back or being aggressive. It just means
being able to stand next to your friend and say, hey,
(06:41):
could you cut that out? That's my friend. Believe it
or not, bullies are much more easily disarmed by a
vocal bystander than by anything else, including your daughter saying
something for herself. By making a pact with friends to
just say this little bit for each other, it can
(07:04):
actually really diffuse the bully. Help her over the summer
to build up and shore up other friendships, but also
help her to develop other interests, which will in both
cases build up self esteem. Urge her to come to
you as a sounding board for what is happening as
(07:24):
it happens, including what's being done and said a so
she won't feel alone and be so that you can
help her, and if need be, speak with the school.
But the more self confident that she returns to school,
the less interesting she is as a target for bullying.
(07:47):
Ignoring and not participating in any way or reacting will help,
but most importantly, a bystander can help her even more,
help her to develop some coping tools over the summer
to decrease anxiety, things like paste, deep breathing, aerobic exercise sessions,
(08:10):
and muscle relaxation, which will help her to return to
school and to manage some of her anxiety and things
as they come up better than she did before. Tell
her you will be her advocate with the school if
there's a problem, but in general, she needs to know
you will be in her corner. I hope that was helpful.
(08:36):
Will return in a moment with some further tips on
talking to kids about bullying. Back with some tips on
how to talk to kids about bullying. Forewarn your child.
Talk to your child about what bullying is, the signs
(08:59):
of bullying, and whether or not it's going on. Make
sure she knows that if something happens in school or online,
she should tell you and you will support her and
together figure out how to work it out. If something
is happening online, it's especially important that she not respond
(09:19):
before telling you about it. With bullying, it's critical to
not engage, to not beat it. By being exactly who
the perpetrator is looking for someone she can get a
rise out of it, and she should not erase the
hurtful post before talking to you. It should be saved somewhere,
(09:41):
print it out or take a photo, because sometimes you
need to collect evidence of what's been going on. Next,
fortify your child. Make it clear that bullying says less
about the victims personally than it does about the bully.
This kid has a problem, and others have to learn
(10:02):
how to deflect and contain this problem and not feed
what's going on. Explain that the worst way to respond
is sort of mob mentality. Other children who are afraid
of being targets will join with the bully and abandon
the victim. Teach your child to resist the herd effect,
(10:24):
not to pile on when someone else is being bullied.
If she has the strength to support her friends, they
will find the strength to support her as well. Next,
practice appropriate responses. If you've had conversations with your child
before bullying starts, she'll be more likely to come to
(10:45):
you if she becomes a target. That gives you a
chance to have a dialogue and role play with her
at home, So and so said this, Okay, what are
a couple of lines that she can say if it
happens again. When a child is insulted or humiliated, she
is likely to be stunned, and you want to help
(11:08):
make sure she doesn't react in a way that adds
fuel to the fire. It helps to come up in
advance with four lines that she can say that she
feels comfortable with to deflect what is going on. You
can also think together about people or friends that she
can confide in and hope for support from. Next find allies.
(11:36):
Encourage your child to make a deal with his friends.
If you stick up for me, I'll stick up for you.
Data shows that the most effective way to combat bullying
is for bystanders to step in and say, hey, that's
my friend. Don't do that. Talk to your school. The
(11:57):
most effective way to arm children against bullying is for
schools to start educating kids about it, and many are.
They start in first grade with bullying education. What is bullying?
How do we support our peers? What is treating somebody
with respect? What is empathy? You have them try empathy
(12:18):
on for size and sticking up for each other. The
lesson is that if everybody wants to avoid being a target,
they can only do that by hanging together. As a parent,
think about talking to your school whether your kid is
being bullied or not. Because bullying education, if it's made
(12:40):
developmentally appropriate through the years is the best weapon. If
your child is being stalked or threatened with violence, you
should contact the police as well as the school. In
extreme cases, bullying can become a criminal matter, and your
top priority is the welfare of your child. Do you
(13:03):
have a problem I can help with? If so, email
me yet? How can I help? At Seneca women dot
com Paul Centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too.
How can I help with me? Doctor Gail's Salts
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I help? I'm Dr
Gail Salt. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. There are a few
really important topics to discuss with your child at the
start of school because they come up so often and
being informed ahead of time can really help them and you.
Many things can happen at the start of school. Children
(00:48):
often feel anxiety about the social scene, about academic stresses
and competition, about being in a new classroom. When parents
talk about some things ahead of time and give them
some tools to use as things come up, it can
help both parents and chime. One important topic is socializing
(01:12):
and bullying. Another is academic struggles and what might be
going on. So today I'm answering a question from a
listener about bullying. Getting bullied is a traumatic experience for
a child. It diminishes self esteem, leaves kids feeling depressed
(01:32):
and anxious, and can have long lasting effects. And of
course modern technology creates more opportunities for bullying than ever before.
Why do kids torture each other this way? It's normal
for children to have some aggression. The question is how
(01:54):
much they have, what they do with it, what parents
are teaching them at home about it, and what's being
modeled for that child in terms of managing their own aggression.
Kids who are bullied at home are far more likely
to go out and bully other kids. But the number
(02:15):
of kids who bully others because they truly have sociopathy,
ruing or are oppositional defiant kids who may in fact
derive gratification from the pain of others is a relatively
small number compared to the amount of bullying that goes
on others. And this is particularly true for girls who
(02:40):
may actually have a high social i que and know
how to work a system, will use bullying for power
to fortify their position. Here again, parents are influential. Are
the parents expecting this child to be the powerful one?
(03:00):
Are they sending either overt or covert messages that they
want their child to be important, to be popular, to
be feared Insecurity can also drive bullying. The feeling that
unless you're the bully, you will be the powerless one. Also, unfortunately,
(03:21):
there are now many more opportunities for bullying. Certainly, the
Internet and cell phones and all the social networking technology
have opened up this whole arena of ways to bully.
In some ways, cyber bullying is more insidious and scary
(03:41):
from the perspective of an adult, in that it's twenty
four seven. A child who is being bullied at school
at least comes home at some point and is safe
with her family. With the computer that potentially never goes
away at any time, you could turn it on and
find that someone has written something to shame and humiliate you,
(04:04):
and you might not even know who is doing that
to you. With that, let's turn to my listener's question
and seeing how can I help, Dear Doctor Saults. My
ten year old daughter has experienced bullying this past year.
Girls being mean and saying things about her and excluding her.
(04:29):
It is so upsetting to her that sometimes she doesn't
want to go to school. The school year has ended
and she has already wound up about starting school again
in September because she fears being bullied. What can I
do to help her? I would definitely talk to your
(04:49):
daughter about devising a game plan to help her with
this issue. Long term bullying can have very negative consequences
on children, causing them a lot of anxiety and even depression,
and even long term this is not a kid's will
be kids sort of problem. First off, if there are
(05:11):
particular children doing the bullying, speak to your school now
about how to have your daughter placed in a different classroom.
Then that girl or those girls just having space can
actually help. Then talk to your daughter about what exactly
(05:32):
has been happening and how to create other types of space.
This might be blocking them from social media. This might
be not looking at their social media. This could be
documenting anything written or visible in the past or in
the present in case it is needed for reporting, and
(05:53):
of course, if any threats are made at all, actually
reporting this to her school or if need be, depending
on the level of threat to law enforcement. Mostly you
should discuss a game plan of enlisting bystanders with her.
What is a bystander. It's basically a friend or two
(06:17):
who over the summer you can help her increase her
bond with and then discuss with having each other's backs.
By that, I mean that in the moment, being able
to stand up verbally for each other. Now, standing up
doesn't mean bullying back or being aggressive. It just means
being able to stand next to your friend and say, hey,
(06:41):
could you cut that out? That's my friend. Believe it
or not, bullies are much more easily disarmed by a
vocal bystander than by anything else, including your daughter saying
something for herself. By making a pact with friends to
just say this little bit for each other, it can
(07:04):
actually really diffuse the bully. Help her over the summer
to build up and shore up other friendships, but also
help her to develop other interests, which will in both
cases build up self esteem. Urge her to come to
you as a sounding board for what is happening as
(07:24):
it happens, including what's being done and said a so
she won't feel alone and be so that you can
help her, and if need be, speak with the school.
But the more self confident that she returns to school,
the less interesting she is as a target for bullying.
(07:47):
Ignoring and not participating in any way or reacting will help,
but most importantly, a bystander can help her even more,
help her to develop some coping tools over the summer
to decrease anxiety, things like paste, deep breathing, aerobic exercise sessions,
(08:10):
and muscle relaxation, which will help her to return to
school and to manage some of her anxiety and things
as they come up better than she did before. Tell
her you will be her advocate with the school if
there's a problem, but in general, she needs to know
you will be in her corner. I hope that was helpful.
(08:36):
Will return in a moment with some further tips on
talking to kids about bullying. Back with some tips on
how to talk to kids about bullying. Forewarn your child.
Talk to your child about what bullying is, the signs
(08:59):
of bullying, and whether or not it's going on. Make
sure she knows that if something happens in school or online,
she should tell you and you will support her and
together figure out how to work it out. If something
is happening online, it's especially important that she not respond
(09:19):
before telling you about it. With bullying, it's critical to
not engage, to not beat it. By being exactly who
the perpetrator is looking for someone she can get a
rise out of it, and she should not erase the
hurtful post before talking to you. It should be saved somewhere,
(09:41):
print it out or take a photo, because sometimes you
need to collect evidence of what's been going on. Next,
fortify your child. Make it clear that bullying says less
about the victims personally than it does about the bully.
This kid has a problem, and others have to learn
(10:02):
how to deflect and contain this problem and not feed
what's going on. Explain that the worst way to respond
is sort of mob mentality. Other children who are afraid
of being targets will join with the bully and abandon
the victim. Teach your child to resist the herd effect,
(10:24):
not to pile on when someone else is being bullied.
If she has the strength to support her friends, they
will find the strength to support her as well. Next,
practice appropriate responses. If you've had conversations with your child
before bullying starts, she'll be more likely to come to
(10:45):
you if she becomes a target. That gives you a
chance to have a dialogue and role play with her
at home, So and so said this, Okay, what are
a couple of lines that she can say if it
happens again. When a child is insulted or humiliated, she
is likely to be stunned, and you want to help
(11:08):
make sure she doesn't react in a way that adds
fuel to the fire. It helps to come up in
advance with four lines that she can say that she
feels comfortable with to deflect what is going on. You
can also think together about people or friends that she
can confide in and hope for support from. Next find allies.
(11:36):
Encourage your child to make a deal with his friends.
If you stick up for me, I'll stick up for you.
Data shows that the most effective way to combat bullying
is for bystanders to step in and say, hey, that's
my friend. Don't do that. Talk to your school. The
(11:57):
most effective way to arm children against bullying is for
schools to start educating kids about it, and many are.
They start in first grade with bullying education. What is bullying?
How do we support our peers? What is treating somebody
with respect? What is empathy? You have them try empathy
(12:18):
on for size and sticking up for each other. The
lesson is that if everybody wants to avoid being a target,
they can only do that by hanging together. As a parent,
think about talking to your school whether your kid is
being bullied or not. Because bullying education, if it's made
(12:40):
developmentally appropriate through the years is the best weapon. If
your child is being stalked or threatened with violence, you
should contact the police as well as the school. In
extreme cases, bullying can become a criminal matter, and your
top priority is the welfare of your child. Do you
(13:03):
have a problem I can help with? If so, email
me yet? How can I help? At Seneca women dot
com Paul Centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too.
How can I help with me? Doctor Gail's Salts
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Therapy Gecko
An unlicensed lizard psychologist travels the universe talking to strangers about absolutely nothing. TO CALL THE GECKO: follow me on https://www.twitch.tv/lyleforever to get a notification for when I am taking calls. I am usually live Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but lately a lot of other times too. I am a gecko.