April 5, 2024 • 14 mins
A mother whose daughter wants to marry young knows that love doesn’t conquer all. Dr. Saltz tells her how to get the message across while still being supportive.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to How Can I Help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Recently, there have been
a number of young celebrity marriages which have failed. Statistics
show that people are getting married later in life, But
does getting married in your teens and early twenties make
(00:48):
divorce more likely? Today? I'm answering a listener's question about
her teenage daughter wanting to get married. A study by
the National Institute of Mental Health and UCLA's Laboratory of
Neuroimaging found that the point of intellectual maturity, the so
called age of reason, comes at about age twenty five,
(01:13):
and that major life changing decisions shouldn't be made before then.
The problem is The study says that teenagers and young
adults make decisions with their amygdala, the instinctual and emotional
portion of the brain, and the frontal lobe of the brain,
which controls judgment and the ability to evaluate consequences, and
(01:38):
that is not fully developed in teens and very early adulthood.
Another study conducted by the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center
claimed that postponing marriage until after the age of twenty
five can reduce your chances of divorce by up to
twenty five percent. The National Center for Health Statistics found
(02:01):
nearly half of all marriages in which the bride is
eighteen years old or younger end in separation or divorce
within ten years. For brides twenty five and older, half
as many marriages break up. In two thousand and five,
Census Bureau found that the median age for first marriages
(02:22):
in the United States was twenty six point seven years
for men and twenty five point one for women, and overall,
the age of marriage tended to be older in cities
than in more rural areas. These statistics alone are enough
to make you think twice about marrying very young. Actually,
(02:44):
with more people going on for higher education than ever before,
it is delaying at the age at which most people
think about getting married. This is especially true for women
who are making more money and may not feel as
pressured to get married because they can live on their
own and support themselves. One advantage of waiting to marry
(03:05):
is the ability to spend some time on your own,
which generally speaking, gives you a feeling of independence and confidence.
You know you can make it on your own. You
bring something to the table, and that kind of confidence
helps you to be a better partner and be more
secure in a marriage relationship. People who are insecure can
(03:29):
feel desperate to cling onto their partner, and yet may
have difficulty making compromises because they fear losing themselves if
they do so. Feeling confident in your identity makes being
more flexible easier and less threatening. Life experience may also
(03:50):
help you have a more realistic expectation of marriage. That
life acquired wisdom also makes it clear that divorce result
and greatly diminished income for the home overall, as well
as having negative effects on both physical and mental health
were both people involved, as well as any children, and
(04:13):
this knowledge often helps both parties to work harder at
their relationship rather than opting for divorce. Of course, there
are couples who marry young and have a long and
fruitful marriage. Sometimes they really grow together and therefore work
well as a team to make the marriage work. But overall,
(04:36):
it is worth considering one's maturity, age, and life experience
before entering into the commitment of marriage. So with that,
let's turn to my listener's question and ask, how can
I help, dear doctor Salz. My daughter has been going
(04:58):
with the same boyfriend for two years. She is nineteen
now and is talking about wanting to get married soon.
I'm not opposed to this particular boy, but that's just
the issue in my mind. He is a boy and
she is still a girl, and I have a lot
of worries about her getting married at age nineteen. One
(05:21):
worry is that they won't even be able to independently
support themselves, and that by getting married, she won't make
more of herself so that she really can have a
good job and later support a family. I know how
hard it can be, and I don't think she gets it.
She's like, but love conquers all. I really want her
(05:44):
to be happy, and while I hear her that getting
married now would make her happy, I feel like she
is too young to make this hopefully lifelong decision that
could really impact her long term happiness. Am I wrong? This?
Is there a way to talk to her about this
without having her just shut me out. After this break,
(06:08):
we'll get to my listener's question back with an answer
to my listener's question, you are expressing a really understandable concern.
(06:32):
In addition to your worry that your daughter may not
be able to grow into her maximal potential and support
herself financially and otherwise and a family, by marrying at nineteen,
she also risks a greater likelihood of divorce statistically speaking,
which has even more effects on lifelong happiness and economic stability.
(06:54):
As you're saying, it's not that you think the guy
in question isn't good for her, is that they are
both young, so you aren't trying to break them up.
You're trying to help her see there may be advantages
to both of their longevity and happiness in waiting for
the marriage part. One of the features of lateeen or
(07:17):
early twenties years is that brain development is not finished,
and that means their ability to weigh the near future
benefits against the long term risks isn't as good as
it will be in a few years. That judgment, that
ability to think of the consequences and to therefore delay
their near term gratification is not as good as it
(07:41):
will be and their impulsiveness. The feeling of being swept
up in love and wanting to act now is so
powerful at age nineteen. A parent can help serve as
that auxiliary judgment and that auxiliary impulse control, but only
if what you're doing is being supportive of the relationship.
(08:03):
While you try to ask her to consider delaying to
give them the best possible lifelong shot together, you can
offer ways to support them as a couple and support
their time together now and support tools to build their relationship,
while suggesting that waiting another few years will not only
(08:25):
not break them up, it will make their ability to
stay married when notice, I suggest using the word when,
not if, they ultimately do better because they will both
be able to support each other and if they want
them later ultimately children, Show the ways in your own
(08:47):
life economic stresses have impacted your happiness, your stress and
its impact on your marriage, and how the better off
you could be the better all of these things were
basically show her the examples in your own life of
how this has come to bear. Explain that love can
(09:10):
help a ton, but you can't eat love, or live
inside love, or raise children on love alone, and that
when two people are constantly stressed out. Love can suffer.
You might even try presenting her with some statistics so
she can see it's not just your opinion. There is
(09:30):
reality to what you were pointing out. You could talk
to her about getting engaged but having a long engagement.
Here I must also point out, at the end of
the day, once our kids are over eighteen, we pretty
much can't make them do or not do anything. We can, however,
(09:52):
drive them underground with what they do, usually to everyone's detriment.
So you can inform her, can reason with her, but
avoid saying that she is incapable, that she is being
silly or dumb. Rather empower her to make good choices
for herself and for this young man she loves. If
(10:14):
she goes ahead anyway, you've really done what you can do,
and you can still hope to keep them close and
support them where appropriate. And some couples who marry young
do grow and grow together and then stay together. I
hope that was helpful. Statistically, young marriages do have a
(10:39):
higher likelihood of ending in divorce compared to marriages where
the partners are older. This is often attributed to factors
like a lack of maturity, financial instability, limited life experience,
and evolving personal goals and aspirations. Young couples face many
challenges in terms of communication, conflict resolution, and adapting to
(11:03):
new responsibilities that come up. Additionally, societal pressures and expectations
can impact the success of a young marriage. The statistics
on the failure of young marriages can vary depending on
the source and methodology of the study, but research generally
indicates that young marriages are at this higher risk of
(11:24):
divorce compared to marriages when the partners are older. Here
are some of the key findings from studies higher divorce rates.
Couples who marry at a younger age are more likely
to divorce compared to those who marry at an older age,
and the risk of divorce tends to decrease the later
(11:45):
in life you marry. The age at marriage studies have
shown that individuals who marry in their late teens or
early twenties are more likely to divorce than those who
marry in their late twenties or older. Young couples may
still be in the process of establishing themselves professionally and
(12:06):
personally as individuals, which adds to the stress of a marriage.
They can also face challenges related to maturity and its
impact on communication, financial stability, and just general compatibility. And
factors like education level and socioeconomic status can also influence
(12:30):
the success of a marriage. Researchers found that couples with
higher levels of education and greater financial stability tend to
have lower divorce rates. And then there are cultural and
religious beliefs and its impact and practices that can impact
the likelihood of divorce among young couples. So communities that
(12:52):
place a strong emphasis on marriage and family values have
lower divorce rates. Overall, the presence of supportive social networks
like family and friends play a huge role in the
success of a marriage, particularly for young couples who may
be navigating significant life changes. So referring to the mom
(13:15):
who asked me a question earlier, even if this couple
gets married, if she can be supportive of them, it
could help in the longevity of their marriage. It's important
to note that while these trends exist, they don't determine
the fate of any one individual marriage. Many young couples
do have successful and long lasting marriages, and some older
(13:39):
couples still face many challenges and don't. Each relationship is
unique and influenced by a variety of factors. Do you
have a problem I can help with? If so, email
me at how can I help At senecawomen dot com.
All centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too. How
(14:01):
can I help with me? Doctor Gale Salts
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to How Can I Help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Recently, there have been
a number of young celebrity marriages which have failed. Statistics
show that people are getting married later in life, But
does getting married in your teens and early twenties make
(00:48):
divorce more likely? Today? I'm answering a listener's question about
her teenage daughter wanting to get married. A study by
the National Institute of Mental Health and UCLA's Laboratory of
Neuroimaging found that the point of intellectual maturity, the so
called age of reason, comes at about age twenty five,
(01:13):
and that major life changing decisions shouldn't be made before then.
The problem is The study says that teenagers and young
adults make decisions with their amygdala, the instinctual and emotional
portion of the brain, and the frontal lobe of the brain,
which controls judgment and the ability to evaluate consequences, and
(01:38):
that is not fully developed in teens and very early adulthood.
Another study conducted by the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center
claimed that postponing marriage until after the age of twenty
five can reduce your chances of divorce by up to
twenty five percent. The National Center for Health Statistics found
(02:01):
nearly half of all marriages in which the bride is
eighteen years old or younger end in separation or divorce
within ten years. For brides twenty five and older, half
as many marriages break up. In two thousand and five,
Census Bureau found that the median age for first marriages
(02:22):
in the United States was twenty six point seven years
for men and twenty five point one for women, and overall,
the age of marriage tended to be older in cities
than in more rural areas. These statistics alone are enough
to make you think twice about marrying very young. Actually,
(02:44):
with more people going on for higher education than ever before,
it is delaying at the age at which most people
think about getting married. This is especially true for women
who are making more money and may not feel as
pressured to get married because they can live on their
own and support themselves. One advantage of waiting to marry
(03:05):
is the ability to spend some time on your own,
which generally speaking, gives you a feeling of independence and confidence.
You know you can make it on your own. You
bring something to the table, and that kind of confidence
helps you to be a better partner and be more
secure in a marriage relationship. People who are insecure can
(03:29):
feel desperate to cling onto their partner, and yet may
have difficulty making compromises because they fear losing themselves if
they do so. Feeling confident in your identity makes being
more flexible easier and less threatening. Life experience may also
(03:50):
help you have a more realistic expectation of marriage. That
life acquired wisdom also makes it clear that divorce result
and greatly diminished income for the home overall, as well
as having negative effects on both physical and mental health
were both people involved, as well as any children, and
(04:13):
this knowledge often helps both parties to work harder at
their relationship rather than opting for divorce. Of course, there
are couples who marry young and have a long and
fruitful marriage. Sometimes they really grow together and therefore work
well as a team to make the marriage work. But overall,
(04:36):
it is worth considering one's maturity, age, and life experience
before entering into the commitment of marriage. So with that,
let's turn to my listener's question and ask, how can
I help, dear doctor Salz. My daughter has been going
(04:58):
with the same boyfriend for two years. She is nineteen
now and is talking about wanting to get married soon.
I'm not opposed to this particular boy, but that's just
the issue in my mind. He is a boy and
she is still a girl, and I have a lot
of worries about her getting married at age nineteen. One
(05:21):
worry is that they won't even be able to independently
support themselves, and that by getting married, she won't make
more of herself so that she really can have a
good job and later support a family. I know how
hard it can be, and I don't think she gets it.
She's like, but love conquers all. I really want her
(05:44):
to be happy, and while I hear her that getting
married now would make her happy, I feel like she
is too young to make this hopefully lifelong decision that
could really impact her long term happiness. Am I wrong? This?
Is there a way to talk to her about this
without having her just shut me out. After this break,
(06:08):
we'll get to my listener's question back with an answer
to my listener's question, you are expressing a really understandable concern.
(06:32):
In addition to your worry that your daughter may not
be able to grow into her maximal potential and support
herself financially and otherwise and a family, by marrying at nineteen,
she also risks a greater likelihood of divorce statistically speaking,
which has even more effects on lifelong happiness and economic stability.
(06:54):
As you're saying, it's not that you think the guy
in question isn't good for her, is that they are
both young, so you aren't trying to break them up.
You're trying to help her see there may be advantages
to both of their longevity and happiness in waiting for
the marriage part. One of the features of lateeen or
(07:17):
early twenties years is that brain development is not finished,
and that means their ability to weigh the near future
benefits against the long term risks isn't as good as
it will be in a few years. That judgment, that
ability to think of the consequences and to therefore delay
their near term gratification is not as good as it
(07:41):
will be and their impulsiveness. The feeling of being swept
up in love and wanting to act now is so
powerful at age nineteen. A parent can help serve as
that auxiliary judgment and that auxiliary impulse control, but only
if what you're doing is being supportive of the relationship.
(08:03):
While you try to ask her to consider delaying to
give them the best possible lifelong shot together, you can
offer ways to support them as a couple and support
their time together now and support tools to build their relationship,
while suggesting that waiting another few years will not only
(08:25):
not break them up, it will make their ability to
stay married when notice, I suggest using the word when,
not if, they ultimately do better because they will both
be able to support each other and if they want
them later ultimately children, Show the ways in your own
(08:47):
life economic stresses have impacted your happiness, your stress and
its impact on your marriage, and how the better off
you could be the better all of these things were
basically show her the examples in your own life of
how this has come to bear. Explain that love can
(09:10):
help a ton, but you can't eat love, or live
inside love, or raise children on love alone, and that
when two people are constantly stressed out. Love can suffer.
You might even try presenting her with some statistics so
she can see it's not just your opinion. There is
(09:30):
reality to what you were pointing out. You could talk
to her about getting engaged but having a long engagement.
Here I must also point out, at the end of
the day, once our kids are over eighteen, we pretty
much can't make them do or not do anything. We can, however,
(09:52):
drive them underground with what they do, usually to everyone's detriment.
So you can inform her, can reason with her, but
avoid saying that she is incapable, that she is being
silly or dumb. Rather empower her to make good choices
for herself and for this young man she loves. If
(10:14):
she goes ahead anyway, you've really done what you can do,
and you can still hope to keep them close and
support them where appropriate. And some couples who marry young
do grow and grow together and then stay together. I
hope that was helpful. Statistically, young marriages do have a
(10:39):
higher likelihood of ending in divorce compared to marriages where
the partners are older. This is often attributed to factors
like a lack of maturity, financial instability, limited life experience,
and evolving personal goals and aspirations. Young couples face many
challenges in terms of communication, conflict resolution, and adapting to
(11:03):
new responsibilities that come up. Additionally, societal pressures and expectations
can impact the success of a young marriage. The statistics
on the failure of young marriages can vary depending on
the source and methodology of the study, but research generally
indicates that young marriages are at this higher risk of
(11:24):
divorce compared to marriages when the partners are older. Here
are some of the key findings from studies higher divorce rates.
Couples who marry at a younger age are more likely
to divorce compared to those who marry at an older age,
and the risk of divorce tends to decrease the later
(11:45):
in life you marry. The age at marriage studies have
shown that individuals who marry in their late teens or
early twenties are more likely to divorce than those who
marry in their late twenties or older. Young couples may
still be in the process of establishing themselves professionally and
(12:06):
personally as individuals, which adds to the stress of a marriage.
They can also face challenges related to maturity and its
impact on communication, financial stability, and just general compatibility. And
factors like education level and socioeconomic status can also influence
(12:30):
the success of a marriage. Researchers found that couples with
higher levels of education and greater financial stability tend to
have lower divorce rates. And then there are cultural and
religious beliefs and its impact and practices that can impact
the likelihood of divorce among young couples. So communities that
(12:52):
place a strong emphasis on marriage and family values have
lower divorce rates. Overall, the presence of supportive social networks
like family and friends play a huge role in the
success of a marriage, particularly for young couples who may
be navigating significant life changes. So referring to the mom
(13:15):
who asked me a question earlier, even if this couple
gets married, if she can be supportive of them, it
could help in the longevity of their marriage. It's important
to note that while these trends exist, they don't determine
the fate of any one individual marriage. Many young couples
do have successful and long lasting marriages, and some older
(13:39):
couples still face many challenges and don't. Each relationship is
unique and influenced by a variety of factors. Do you
have a problem I can help with? If so, email
me at how can I help At senecawomen dot com.
All centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too. How
(14:01):
can I help with me? Doctor Gale Salts
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