December 17, 2021 • 15 mins
Does it feel like everyone but you is in a holiday mood? Are you dreading the getting, spending and cooking involved? And do you cringe at the thought of spending time with certain relatives? You’re not alone. Dr. Saltz tells how to make the holidays bearable—and even fun again.
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to How Can I Help? I'm Dr
Gale Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Everyone looks forward during
the year to the holidays with great expectation and excitement.
Then it seems that out of the blue comes the
blues right as you go into the time for celebration.
(00:48):
Why does this happen and how can you stop it?
Today I'm answering a listener's question about being stressed out
during the holiday. This year may be harder than most
because Thanksgiving was late for some people, Hanka was early,
(01:11):
and so for everyone the time to prepare has been shorter.
That adds up to more stress. Also pre pandemic, many
people struggled at the holiday time of year. Though it's
supposed to be a jolly time, the stresses of shopping
and spending, cooking, making a holiday production, having family together
(01:36):
under one roof is actually very stressful and heightened long
running stress leads to increased anxiety and depression. Also, the
winter months create winter blues for many due to decreased
hours of sunlight and cold weather keeping people indoors and
(01:57):
less physically active. This can be called seasonal effective disorder.
But this year is worse for more people. The one
out of five Americans who have a mental illness are
faring worse after a year and a half of pandemic.
(02:18):
There is, according to the CDC, a increase to the
number of people with depression and anxiety disorders, and the
American Academy of Pediatrics has declared a state of emergent
crisis in child and teen mental health, with the number
of deaths from drug overdoses along with suicide considered deaths
(02:41):
of despair being the highest this year of any year
on record. Ever, this holiday, many families will be mourning
a person lost to COVID, struggling with financial insecurity, distress
about bias and discrimination, and the political environment, making their
(03:02):
sense of stress around the holiday fel more extreme. Even
things that are wonderful can be stressful too, as you
charge around shopping and cooking and preparing, it can accentuate
the feeling that you are not feeling that wonderful holiday spirit,
(03:24):
and that can snowball into a feeling of being disconnected
from the good stuff and maybe downright depressed. Importantly, the
holidays are imbued with childhood memories of your holidays, and
those childhood memories are often surrounded by what I call
(03:45):
a halo of magicalness that no one's a dulled holiday
can actually live up to. Yet, when you hear that
familiar carol, or see those familiar lights and smell those
familiar foods, it does all come rushing back in a
bitter sweet way, because you can't really go back and
(04:09):
experience it the way you did as a child. This too,
can lead to feelings of sadness. Add to this cocktail
that bringing all of the family together as everybody grows
up and family constellations and dynamics change, and you can
have completed the recipe for the blues. For a smaller
(04:33):
number of people, there is a biologic component to their depression.
Due to the decreased light during the winter, some people
suffer an alteration in their quarters all level, and this
causes a depression called seasonal effective disorder, and that may
require treatment rather than waiting for the mood to hit.
(04:56):
There are things that you can think about ahead of
time to help yourself, like realigning your expectations, remembering that
it's never the same as when you grew up, but
it can be really fun in other ways. Don't expect
pure family bliss because that's unfair to everyone. Expect some
(05:17):
tumult because that's just part of being a family. Avoid
being perfectionistic. It truly is the thought that counts you,
and all of your kin will enjoy it more if
you have a less dressed you than if there are
fifty varieties of cookies that you've baked. Limit plans for
(05:41):
too much family togetherness. Sure you love each other, but
better to leave everyone wanting a little more than to
have everyone at each other's throats. Don't plan to be
together for too long. Make new family tradition. Keeping a
few of the old ones are great, but it can
(06:04):
enhance your celebration and can stop all your current memories
from competing with the old ones if you make up
some new family traditions. If you are feeling very depressed
for more than two weeks with all of the symptoms
of true depression, you can't sleep or eat, where you're
doing too much of both. You're feeling hopeless or helpless,
(06:27):
can't concentrate or enjoy anything, then you may need professional help,
so you should get evaluated. How can I help with
Doctor Gale Salts will be back after the short break,
(06:50):
But with that, let's turn to my listeners question and
ask how can I help, dear doctor Salts. I feel
confused about the coming holiday. I feel like I should
be looking forward to it, and there are things about
the holiday time I do like. But with each passing day,
(07:12):
I am getting more stressed out and now I'm not
even looking forward to it any more. The Christmas music
everywhere is getting on my nerves, and I'm worrying about
how I'm going to get everything done on time, and
then I'm going to let my kids down. I'm not
(07:33):
excited to spend days with my parents as my mother
is totally getting on my nerves, and I am overwhelmed
just thinking about all the shopping and cooking I have
to do. How can I be less stressed and enjoy
the holidays more? When holiday stress is related to feeling
(07:56):
overwhelmed by all you feel you have to do, change
course and remember that when it comes to stress less
is more. There is no must do when it comes
to celebrating the holidays, and cutting back on what you
plan to do could be just the ticket to enjoy
(08:19):
your time more. So, I'd suggest you scale back the
more stressful elements, whatever that is for you. If it's
about money, then buy less, do homemade gifts, do a
whole family gift exchange, write a poem for each other instead.
(08:40):
If it's event, focus on how much you have to cook,
then consider doing a pot luck, have fewer people over,
and keep the time frame of the event shorter. By
making a decision now to shop less, buy less, and
(09:01):
cook less, you will firstly stress less, but you will
also enjoy more, and that actually is likely to make
it more enjoyable for everyone around you, such as your family.
By farming out some of the tasks, you may also
be more inclusive and give your family a chance to
(09:22):
contribute and thereby make the holiday nicer for them too.
By scaling down, you also decrease the hype, and it
may just feel like a more relaxed holiday day or
days all around for everyone. If your mom is getting
on your nerves, first, limit how much time you all
(09:45):
spend under the same roof for the holidays. Everyone is
able to stay on best behavior for limited amounts of time,
but too long and it starts to break down. If
some in particularly is driving you nuts, you can ask
her to avoid that topic for the holiday as it's
(10:06):
stressful and that the holiday is a time for fun,
but be willing to discuss it another time. This is
just setting some ground rules to make the day nicer
with her. Proactively doing so will help the relationship in
the long run and allow you to make some nice
memories of the holiday together. I hope that was helpful
(10:34):
when it comes to holiday stress. Here are a few
other things that you should consider. Elevate your focus on
gratitude and generosity. We know that focusing on these things
improves mood and decreases anxiety levels. Make a list the
daily list of three things you feel grateful for that day.
(10:57):
Think of ways to be generous to others, like bringing
food to a friend in need, or volunteering at a
soup kitchen, or even emotionally being generous to others just
by telling them how much you like them or respect them,
or what a good job they're doing. Another technique is
(11:18):
called take in the good when you prime your brain
to absorb and be present for good experiences. By imagining
them ahead of time, you allow yourself to be more
aware of and immersed in them when they happen. So
imagine some of the things you think will be pleasant.
(11:40):
Really focus on them a dish you like. Maybe it's
decorating the tree, or sitting in front of a fire,
maybe it's sipping on egg nog. And when that nice
thing is happening, really stop and fully take in the
moment and try to be as present as possible. Next
(12:03):
is really thinking about managing toxic relatives. You know we
all have them. The person you find it difficult to
be with who comments on things that make you feel bad,
like hey, have you gained weight? Or give a boyfriend. Yet,
get out ahead of it by making some topics off
limits that you know are going to bother you, or
(12:26):
by having a game plan of what you can say
to diffuse and deflect what's being said when you know
it's going to come. You could even talk beforehand and
agree that you're going to keep things lighter and more pleasant.
For example, if you know you disagree on politics, maybe
you decide not to go there. Families easily revert to
(12:49):
old roles, which can be very stressful. But you don't
have to play along. You can say, hey, I've grown up.
I'm not that person now. You can have your limits.
It's okay to go in another room after saying you
know this is bothering me. Can we stop here? It
(13:10):
is okay if you need extra medication or extra therapy
to be with your relatives over the holidays. Many people
who already have struggles do have some coping tools to
just generally distress yourself during this holiday period, using paste,
(13:31):
deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, aerobic exercise. You can use
soothing sense to relax yourself, like lavender or peppermint, relaxing
music that you play in the evening to just chill down,
or using mindfulness or mindful meditation and the practice of
(13:52):
it during this period to feel more relaxed. Bring to
your stressful event toolbox to them yourself things like stress
putty that you can squeeze, or if you go to
the event, a buddy that's available by text to support you.
If you feel like something is going to really bother you,
(14:14):
you could have a journal where you've prewritten comments that
you're likely to hear and responses that you've predecided you'll
try in a moment of high stress, using grounding techniques
to take you out of the anxiety and into your body.
For example, one of my favorites is naming five things
(14:35):
you can see, four things you can touch, three things
you can hear, two things you can smell, and one
thing you can taste. Use this technique when something has
happened at the holiday and you're feeling really upset. If
you're feeling sad or numb, irritable, exhausted, if you have
(14:58):
an increased appetype or carb hydrates and you are sleeping
a lot, this could be seasonal effective disorder. So speak
to your mental health professional and consider therapy or medication
or even light box therapy. And very importantly during this
holiday season, yes, there are a lot of parties and
(15:18):
a lot of opportunities, but don't increase your alcohol intake,
don't smoke more, don't use drugs now as a means
of self medicating, because it will actually make you feel
worse and can create another type of problem. Do you
have a problem I can help with? If so, email
(15:41):
yet how can I help? At Seneca women dot com.
All centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too. How
can I help with me Dr Gail's Salts
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to How Can I Help? I'm Dr
Gale Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Everyone looks forward during
the year to the holidays with great expectation and excitement.
Then it seems that out of the blue comes the
blues right as you go into the time for celebration.
(00:48):
Why does this happen and how can you stop it?
Today I'm answering a listener's question about being stressed out
during the holiday. This year may be harder than most
because Thanksgiving was late for some people, Hanka was early,
(01:11):
and so for everyone the time to prepare has been shorter.
That adds up to more stress. Also pre pandemic, many
people struggled at the holiday time of year. Though it's
supposed to be a jolly time, the stresses of shopping
and spending, cooking, making a holiday production, having family together
(01:36):
under one roof is actually very stressful and heightened long
running stress leads to increased anxiety and depression. Also, the
winter months create winter blues for many due to decreased
hours of sunlight and cold weather keeping people indoors and
(01:57):
less physically active. This can be called seasonal effective disorder.
But this year is worse for more people. The one
out of five Americans who have a mental illness are
faring worse after a year and a half of pandemic.
(02:18):
There is, according to the CDC, a increase to the
number of people with depression and anxiety disorders, and the
American Academy of Pediatrics has declared a state of emergent
crisis in child and teen mental health, with the number
of deaths from drug overdoses along with suicide considered deaths
(02:41):
of despair being the highest this year of any year
on record. Ever, this holiday, many families will be mourning
a person lost to COVID, struggling with financial insecurity, distress
about bias and discrimination, and the political environment, making their
(03:02):
sense of stress around the holiday fel more extreme. Even
things that are wonderful can be stressful too, as you
charge around shopping and cooking and preparing, it can accentuate
the feeling that you are not feeling that wonderful holiday spirit,
(03:24):
and that can snowball into a feeling of being disconnected
from the good stuff and maybe downright depressed. Importantly, the
holidays are imbued with childhood memories of your holidays, and
those childhood memories are often surrounded by what I call
(03:45):
a halo of magicalness that no one's a dulled holiday
can actually live up to. Yet, when you hear that
familiar carol, or see those familiar lights and smell those
familiar foods, it does all come rushing back in a
bitter sweet way, because you can't really go back and
(04:09):
experience it the way you did as a child. This too,
can lead to feelings of sadness. Add to this cocktail
that bringing all of the family together as everybody grows
up and family constellations and dynamics change, and you can
have completed the recipe for the blues. For a smaller
(04:33):
number of people, there is a biologic component to their depression.
Due to the decreased light during the winter, some people
suffer an alteration in their quarters all level, and this
causes a depression called seasonal effective disorder, and that may
require treatment rather than waiting for the mood to hit.
(04:56):
There are things that you can think about ahead of
time to help yourself, like realigning your expectations, remembering that
it's never the same as when you grew up, but
it can be really fun in other ways. Don't expect
pure family bliss because that's unfair to everyone. Expect some
(05:17):
tumult because that's just part of being a family. Avoid
being perfectionistic. It truly is the thought that counts you,
and all of your kin will enjoy it more if
you have a less dressed you than if there are
fifty varieties of cookies that you've baked. Limit plans for
(05:41):
too much family togetherness. Sure you love each other, but
better to leave everyone wanting a little more than to
have everyone at each other's throats. Don't plan to be
together for too long. Make new family tradition. Keeping a
few of the old ones are great, but it can
(06:04):
enhance your celebration and can stop all your current memories
from competing with the old ones if you make up
some new family traditions. If you are feeling very depressed
for more than two weeks with all of the symptoms
of true depression, you can't sleep or eat, where you're
doing too much of both. You're feeling hopeless or helpless,
(06:27):
can't concentrate or enjoy anything, then you may need professional help,
so you should get evaluated. How can I help with
Doctor Gale Salts will be back after the short break,
(06:50):
But with that, let's turn to my listeners question and
ask how can I help, dear doctor Salts. I feel
confused about the coming holiday. I feel like I should
be looking forward to it, and there are things about
the holiday time I do like. But with each passing day,
(07:12):
I am getting more stressed out and now I'm not
even looking forward to it any more. The Christmas music
everywhere is getting on my nerves, and I'm worrying about
how I'm going to get everything done on time, and
then I'm going to let my kids down. I'm not
(07:33):
excited to spend days with my parents as my mother
is totally getting on my nerves, and I am overwhelmed
just thinking about all the shopping and cooking I have
to do. How can I be less stressed and enjoy
the holidays more? When holiday stress is related to feeling
(07:56):
overwhelmed by all you feel you have to do, change
course and remember that when it comes to stress less
is more. There is no must do when it comes
to celebrating the holidays, and cutting back on what you
plan to do could be just the ticket to enjoy
(08:19):
your time more. So, I'd suggest you scale back the
more stressful elements, whatever that is for you. If it's
about money, then buy less, do homemade gifts, do a
whole family gift exchange, write a poem for each other instead.
(08:40):
If it's event, focus on how much you have to cook,
then consider doing a pot luck, have fewer people over,
and keep the time frame of the event shorter. By
making a decision now to shop less, buy less, and
(09:01):
cook less, you will firstly stress less, but you will
also enjoy more, and that actually is likely to make
it more enjoyable for everyone around you, such as your family.
By farming out some of the tasks, you may also
be more inclusive and give your family a chance to
(09:22):
contribute and thereby make the holiday nicer for them too.
By scaling down, you also decrease the hype, and it
may just feel like a more relaxed holiday day or
days all around for everyone. If your mom is getting
on your nerves, first, limit how much time you all
(09:45):
spend under the same roof for the holidays. Everyone is
able to stay on best behavior for limited amounts of time,
but too long and it starts to break down. If
some in particularly is driving you nuts, you can ask
her to avoid that topic for the holiday as it's
(10:06):
stressful and that the holiday is a time for fun,
but be willing to discuss it another time. This is
just setting some ground rules to make the day nicer
with her. Proactively doing so will help the relationship in
the long run and allow you to make some nice
memories of the holiday together. I hope that was helpful
(10:34):
when it comes to holiday stress. Here are a few
other things that you should consider. Elevate your focus on
gratitude and generosity. We know that focusing on these things
improves mood and decreases anxiety levels. Make a list the
daily list of three things you feel grateful for that day.
(10:57):
Think of ways to be generous to others, like bringing
food to a friend in need, or volunteering at a
soup kitchen, or even emotionally being generous to others just
by telling them how much you like them or respect them,
or what a good job they're doing. Another technique is
(11:18):
called take in the good when you prime your brain
to absorb and be present for good experiences. By imagining
them ahead of time, you allow yourself to be more
aware of and immersed in them when they happen. So
imagine some of the things you think will be pleasant.
(11:40):
Really focus on them a dish you like. Maybe it's
decorating the tree, or sitting in front of a fire,
maybe it's sipping on egg nog. And when that nice
thing is happening, really stop and fully take in the
moment and try to be as present as possible. Next
(12:03):
is really thinking about managing toxic relatives. You know we
all have them. The person you find it difficult to
be with who comments on things that make you feel bad,
like hey, have you gained weight? Or give a boyfriend. Yet,
get out ahead of it by making some topics off
limits that you know are going to bother you, or
(12:26):
by having a game plan of what you can say
to diffuse and deflect what's being said when you know
it's going to come. You could even talk beforehand and
agree that you're going to keep things lighter and more pleasant.
For example, if you know you disagree on politics, maybe
you decide not to go there. Families easily revert to
(12:49):
old roles, which can be very stressful. But you don't
have to play along. You can say, hey, I've grown up.
I'm not that person now. You can have your limits.
It's okay to go in another room after saying you
know this is bothering me. Can we stop here? It
(13:10):
is okay if you need extra medication or extra therapy
to be with your relatives over the holidays. Many people
who already have struggles do have some coping tools to
just generally distress yourself during this holiday period, using paste,
(13:31):
deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, aerobic exercise. You can use
soothing sense to relax yourself, like lavender or peppermint, relaxing
music that you play in the evening to just chill down,
or using mindfulness or mindful meditation and the practice of
(13:52):
it during this period to feel more relaxed. Bring to
your stressful event toolbox to them yourself things like stress
putty that you can squeeze, or if you go to
the event, a buddy that's available by text to support you.
If you feel like something is going to really bother you,
(14:14):
you could have a journal where you've prewritten comments that
you're likely to hear and responses that you've predecided you'll
try in a moment of high stress, using grounding techniques
to take you out of the anxiety and into your body.
For example, one of my favorites is naming five things
(14:35):
you can see, four things you can touch, three things
you can hear, two things you can smell, and one
thing you can taste. Use this technique when something has
happened at the holiday and you're feeling really upset. If
you're feeling sad or numb, irritable, exhausted, if you have
(14:58):
an increased appetype or carb hydrates and you are sleeping
a lot, this could be seasonal effective disorder. So speak
to your mental health professional and consider therapy or medication
or even light box therapy. And very importantly during this
holiday season, yes, there are a lot of parties and
(15:18):
a lot of opportunities, but don't increase your alcohol intake,
don't smoke more, don't use drugs now as a means
of self medicating, because it will actually make you feel
worse and can create another type of problem. Do you
have a problem I can help with? If so, email
(15:41):
yet how can I help? At Seneca women dot com.
All centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too. How
can I help with me Dr Gail's Salts
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Therapy Gecko
An unlicensed lizard psychologist travels the universe talking to strangers about absolutely nothing. TO CALL THE GECKO: follow me on https://www.twitch.tv/lyleforever to get a notification for when I am taking calls. I am usually live Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but lately a lot of other times too. I am a gecko.