August 12, 2022 • 14 mins
If your child is dreading the start of school, sometimes it’s more than just first-day-of-class nerves. Dr. Saltz has practical advice parents can use to get kids into a positive mood before the school bells ring.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Salt. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. As thoughts of fratuning
to school for our nation's children approaches, so does for
many children the worries about going and being separated again
from their parents. So today I'm taking a question from
(00:47):
a listener whose child is expressing nervousness about the start
of school. Actually, it's perfectly normal to have a fear
of being separated from a parent, starting at about age
six months and often resolving at about the time school starts.
But many children continue to have separation anxiety even after
(01:10):
they begin school, some even into high school, and some
even into college. Separation anxiety often runs in families, as
do many types of anxiety disorders. If you or your
partner have memories of feeling nervous about leaving home for school,
(01:33):
or experience some sort of intense homesickness. It really should
come as no surprise that your child may as well.
Kids who were shy as babies around new things, for example,
initially looking away when presented with a new toy or
around unfamiliar people are biologically more likely to experience separation anxiety.
(02:00):
Parents who express discomfort of their own and exhibit anxiety
about introducing their children to new things, who worry that
other places are dangerous in some way and expose their
kids to limited novelty, will also increase the likelihood that
(02:21):
their children will have separation anxiety. Another factor that impacts
separation anxiety for a child is a past history of
trauma or a current stressor in the child's life, like divorce,
moving homes, or the loss of a family member or
even a pet. Exposure to information about something dangerous happening
(02:47):
in school can also increase the child's anxiety, and unfortunately,
there has been a fair amount of news regarding things
like school shootings this past year. If your child, regardless
of his age, express his anxiety about going to school
or says he doesn't want to go, you may be
(03:09):
struggling with separation anxiety that began before school even started.
If kids are younger, they may not even recognize that
this is the reason they feel anxious, and instead you
may just see some regression and behavior, like more clinginess
than usual, or reticence to play with other children, a
(03:32):
loss of some milestones that they had already accomplished, like
body training, being more teery, or having more tantrums than usual,
or even expressing fears that harm will come to you
or to themselves. So with that, let's turn to my
listener's question and ask how can I help, Dear Doctor Saltz.
(03:57):
My daughter will be starting third grade this year. About
a week ago, she started saying things about not really
wanting to go back to school, about missing me too much,
and about worry she has whether I will be safe
while she's at school and if she will be safe
at school. She has often had some difficulty missing me
(04:19):
at the start of the school years, but this starting
up already in the summer, this is new, and it
has me concerned. What can I do to help her
relax and not get even more nervous as school starts.
Explaining to your daughter now that these types of thoughts
she is having, like will you be in danger? Will
(04:42):
she be in danger? Are really typical for separation anxiety,
and that they don't mean that you or she will
be in any danger at all, That they are simply
thoughts and thinking things doesn't make them real, that her
thought don't predict anything, that they are simply worry thoughts,
(05:05):
which happens to a lot of kids when they are
anticipating a separation. So rather than continually reassuring her that
you are fine and she is fine, which actually does
provide instant relief, but that relief will then reinforce the
worry thoughts and make them continue and perhaps even be stronger,
(05:29):
it would be better if you can tell her that
those worry thoughts, as I would label them, are trying
to boss her around. They're trying to make her afraid
of school, and they are not real or accurate in
terms of what happens in the world, and therefore she
can and should boss them back. Tell her that worries
(05:54):
like this are not the boss of her, and she
is not going to listen to them. She is instead
going to go to school and listen to the thoughts
about all the cool things that you'll be able to
do there. Then, in the meantime, i'd suggest doing what
you can to familiarize her with her set up for
(06:15):
next year while it's still summer, because it is the
unknown and uncertainty that often drive anxiety. So, for example,
walk her to the school now, see if you can
arrange to let her see the classroom set up, play
dates with kids will be in her class. You might
even see if the teacher would agree to a meet
(06:37):
up to say hi. Spend time talking about what third
grade will look like the subject. She will learn about,
what recentse time is like, and ways for her to
manage anxiety as it pops up. This may, for example,
be something like teaching her slow relaxing deep breathing that
(06:59):
she can use if she starts to feel nervous, or
imagining a peaceful and lovely place that she knows. Any
technique that can help her to feel calmer on the
spot that she knows she can use. You can have
some conversations to address specific school anxiety, like what to
(07:20):
do if a friend isn't so nice? What are some
things she could say? Or what if she doesn't understand
something the teacher taught or she missed a direction, what
are some things she could do? Just having these strategies
for concerns at school will help her to reduce the
school anxiety. Whatever you do, do not tell her that
(07:45):
she can stay home when she worries about you or herself.
This will reinforce her anxiety and she can develop a
true school phobia, which is really detrimental to her and
harder to treat. If you do many of these things,
our anxiety is likely to dissipate as school approaches. I
(08:08):
hope that was helpful. I'll be right back with some
tips for dealing with separation anxiety. Back with some tips
for separation anxiety. There are many ways to help your
(08:29):
child through separation anxiety to make it easier for them
to leave home for school every day. First, and foremost,
check your own anxiety. If you feel nervous about your
child going to school, about being away from you, about
harm coming to them, and the like, then your child
(08:50):
will pick up on that and it will keep their
anxiety high. You will be providing evidence that there is
plenty to fear. This is often unwittingly the case, because
once you have been a child with separation anxiety, it
is not unusual to grow into an adult and a
parent with separation anxiety that gets expressed in the form
(09:13):
of fear of being separated from your child. So first
parent fell myself. Think about your fears and how you
can either grapple with them to decrease them, or to
seek your own help therapeutically to decrease them so that
you will be able to stop transmitting the spear to
(09:33):
your child. The next step is to actively create familiarity
in regards to new settings or changes ahead of time
whenever possible, so that they no longer seem so new
or uncertain. It is uncertainty that is often the fuel
of anxiety, so the more familiarity you can create, the better.
(09:58):
For example, if you move and your child must start
a new school, ask the school to let you visit
the classroom ahead of time. Show your child where he
or she will walk in, Tell the child what will happen.
See the halls, the classroom, the cafeteria. If you can
(10:20):
meet the teacher before your child makes the switch to
that school. Even better, if you haven't already, create a
goodbye ritual for when you will say goodbye in the morning.
Having a routine and a ritual reads certainty and comfort.
Make the rituals short and sweet, prolonged goodbyes increase anxiety.
(10:45):
If you're dropping your child off, don't linger, as this
makes your child have to keep deciding between being with
you and getting engaged in the classroom, and your child
will pick you. And if your child isn't changing schools,
she may still be struggling with the recent start to
the new school year. If so, talk to the school
(11:09):
about finding a staff member who will help your child
after you drop her off and say goodbye to be
engaged in the room. Identify a go to person your
child can be with if she's struggling, and make it
clear to your child this person is someone you trust
to stand in for you when you're not there. Younger
(11:31):
children often benefit from taking a comfort transitional object with
them in their backpack or to have in their cubby.
This should not be their most beloved stuffed animal or
blanket because it could get lost or damaged, but another
one that they like from home to be able to
touch or cuddle if they're feeling anxious during the day.
(11:53):
If your child brings lunch, tuck in a note or
something a little fun so that he's reminded you're thinking
of him and so he feels connected to you. Make
sure that you or whoever is retrieving your child after
school is not late. Lateness, or ever being left at
(12:13):
school will increase his anxiety about going in the first place.
Some children benefit from a watch to be able to
see what time it is and know what time you
will be coming for them. Once you do get to them,
be enthusiastic and curious about what they did during the day,
and make it fun for them to tell you about
(12:34):
what they have been doing. Whenever possible, prepare and advanced
for the next day. Help them have everything laid out
and ready so the morning is relaxed, less rushed, and
less stressed. Have them pick out their outfit, pack their backpack,
make their lunch choices, and anything else they can easily
(12:55):
do ahead of time. Get up early enough to be
ready before out so you can help them and leave
with plenty of time to not be rushed. Then choose
your spot to say goodbye with your ritual, and then
cheerfully say goodbye. You can expect that separation anxiety can
take some weeks to resolve. Do not let your child
(13:18):
stay home from school to manage their anxiety. This can
quickly turn into a school refusal problem. If the anxiety
is making it difficult for your child to function at school,
or if your child is so withdrawn that he or
she can't make friends, participate, or speak up, then an
(13:39):
evaluation from a child psychologist or psychiatrist maybe needed. Treatment
can be extremely effective, reasonably quick, and is very important
because left untreated, other anxieties may develop, may become more debilitating,
or lead to anxiety in adolescence or even adulthood. Do
(14:04):
you have a problem I can help with? If so,
email me yet? How can I help? At Seneca women
dot Com Paul Centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too.
How can I help with me? Doctor Gale's Salts
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Salt. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. As thoughts of fratuning
to school for our nation's children approaches, so does for
many children the worries about going and being separated again
from their parents. So today I'm taking a question from
(00:47):
a listener whose child is expressing nervousness about the start
of school. Actually, it's perfectly normal to have a fear
of being separated from a parent, starting at about age
six months and often resolving at about the time school starts.
But many children continue to have separation anxiety even after
(01:10):
they begin school, some even into high school, and some
even into college. Separation anxiety often runs in families, as
do many types of anxiety disorders. If you or your
partner have memories of feeling nervous about leaving home for school,
(01:33):
or experience some sort of intense homesickness. It really should
come as no surprise that your child may as well.
Kids who were shy as babies around new things, for example,
initially looking away when presented with a new toy or
around unfamiliar people are biologically more likely to experience separation anxiety.
(02:00):
Parents who express discomfort of their own and exhibit anxiety
about introducing their children to new things, who worry that
other places are dangerous in some way and expose their
kids to limited novelty, will also increase the likelihood that
(02:21):
their children will have separation anxiety. Another factor that impacts
separation anxiety for a child is a past history of
trauma or a current stressor in the child's life, like divorce,
moving homes, or the loss of a family member or
even a pet. Exposure to information about something dangerous happening
(02:47):
in school can also increase the child's anxiety, and unfortunately,
there has been a fair amount of news regarding things
like school shootings this past year. If your child, regardless
of his age, express his anxiety about going to school
or says he doesn't want to go, you may be
(03:09):
struggling with separation anxiety that began before school even started.
If kids are younger, they may not even recognize that
this is the reason they feel anxious, and instead you
may just see some regression and behavior, like more clinginess
than usual, or reticence to play with other children, a
(03:32):
loss of some milestones that they had already accomplished, like
body training, being more teery, or having more tantrums than usual,
or even expressing fears that harm will come to you
or to themselves. So with that, let's turn to my
listener's question and ask how can I help, Dear Doctor Saltz.
(03:57):
My daughter will be starting third grade this year. About
a week ago, she started saying things about not really
wanting to go back to school, about missing me too much,
and about worry she has whether I will be safe
while she's at school and if she will be safe
at school. She has often had some difficulty missing me
(04:19):
at the start of the school years, but this starting
up already in the summer, this is new, and it
has me concerned. What can I do to help her
relax and not get even more nervous as school starts.
Explaining to your daughter now that these types of thoughts
she is having, like will you be in danger? Will
(04:42):
she be in danger? Are really typical for separation anxiety,
and that they don't mean that you or she will
be in any danger at all, That they are simply
thoughts and thinking things doesn't make them real, that her
thought don't predict anything, that they are simply worry thoughts,
(05:05):
which happens to a lot of kids when they are
anticipating a separation. So rather than continually reassuring her that
you are fine and she is fine, which actually does
provide instant relief, but that relief will then reinforce the
worry thoughts and make them continue and perhaps even be stronger,
(05:29):
it would be better if you can tell her that
those worry thoughts, as I would label them, are trying
to boss her around. They're trying to make her afraid
of school, and they are not real or accurate in
terms of what happens in the world, and therefore she
can and should boss them back. Tell her that worries
(05:54):
like this are not the boss of her, and she
is not going to listen to them. She is instead
going to go to school and listen to the thoughts
about all the cool things that you'll be able to
do there. Then, in the meantime, i'd suggest doing what
you can to familiarize her with her set up for
(06:15):
next year while it's still summer, because it is the
unknown and uncertainty that often drive anxiety. So, for example,
walk her to the school now, see if you can
arrange to let her see the classroom set up, play
dates with kids will be in her class. You might
even see if the teacher would agree to a meet
(06:37):
up to say hi. Spend time talking about what third
grade will look like the subject. She will learn about,
what recentse time is like, and ways for her to
manage anxiety as it pops up. This may, for example,
be something like teaching her slow relaxing deep breathing that
(06:59):
she can use if she starts to feel nervous, or
imagining a peaceful and lovely place that she knows. Any
technique that can help her to feel calmer on the
spot that she knows she can use. You can have
some conversations to address specific school anxiety, like what to
(07:20):
do if a friend isn't so nice? What are some
things she could say? Or what if she doesn't understand
something the teacher taught or she missed a direction, what
are some things she could do? Just having these strategies
for concerns at school will help her to reduce the
school anxiety. Whatever you do, do not tell her that
(07:45):
she can stay home when she worries about you or herself.
This will reinforce her anxiety and she can develop a
true school phobia, which is really detrimental to her and
harder to treat. If you do many of these things,
our anxiety is likely to dissipate as school approaches. I
(08:08):
hope that was helpful. I'll be right back with some
tips for dealing with separation anxiety. Back with some tips
for separation anxiety. There are many ways to help your
(08:29):
child through separation anxiety to make it easier for them
to leave home for school every day. First, and foremost,
check your own anxiety. If you feel nervous about your
child going to school, about being away from you, about
harm coming to them, and the like, then your child
(08:50):
will pick up on that and it will keep their
anxiety high. You will be providing evidence that there is
plenty to fear. This is often unwittingly the case, because
once you have been a child with separation anxiety, it
is not unusual to grow into an adult and a
parent with separation anxiety that gets expressed in the form
(09:13):
of fear of being separated from your child. So first
parent fell myself. Think about your fears and how you
can either grapple with them to decrease them, or to
seek your own help therapeutically to decrease them so that
you will be able to stop transmitting the spear to
(09:33):
your child. The next step is to actively create familiarity
in regards to new settings or changes ahead of time
whenever possible, so that they no longer seem so new
or uncertain. It is uncertainty that is often the fuel
of anxiety, so the more familiarity you can create, the better.
(09:58):
For example, if you move and your child must start
a new school, ask the school to let you visit
the classroom ahead of time. Show your child where he
or she will walk in, Tell the child what will happen.
See the halls, the classroom, the cafeteria. If you can
(10:20):
meet the teacher before your child makes the switch to
that school. Even better, if you haven't already, create a
goodbye ritual for when you will say goodbye in the morning.
Having a routine and a ritual reads certainty and comfort.
Make the rituals short and sweet, prolonged goodbyes increase anxiety.
(10:45):
If you're dropping your child off, don't linger, as this
makes your child have to keep deciding between being with
you and getting engaged in the classroom, and your child
will pick you. And if your child isn't changing schools,
she may still be struggling with the recent start to
the new school year. If so, talk to the school
(11:09):
about finding a staff member who will help your child
after you drop her off and say goodbye to be
engaged in the room. Identify a go to person your
child can be with if she's struggling, and make it
clear to your child this person is someone you trust
to stand in for you when you're not there. Younger
(11:31):
children often benefit from taking a comfort transitional object with
them in their backpack or to have in their cubby.
This should not be their most beloved stuffed animal or
blanket because it could get lost or damaged, but another
one that they like from home to be able to
touch or cuddle if they're feeling anxious during the day.
(11:53):
If your child brings lunch, tuck in a note or
something a little fun so that he's reminded you're thinking
of him and so he feels connected to you. Make
sure that you or whoever is retrieving your child after
school is not late. Lateness, or ever being left at
(12:13):
school will increase his anxiety about going in the first place.
Some children benefit from a watch to be able to
see what time it is and know what time you
will be coming for them. Once you do get to them,
be enthusiastic and curious about what they did during the day,
and make it fun for them to tell you about
(12:34):
what they have been doing. Whenever possible, prepare and advanced
for the next day. Help them have everything laid out
and ready so the morning is relaxed, less rushed, and
less stressed. Have them pick out their outfit, pack their backpack,
make their lunch choices, and anything else they can easily
(12:55):
do ahead of time. Get up early enough to be
ready before out so you can help them and leave
with plenty of time to not be rushed. Then choose
your spot to say goodbye with your ritual, and then
cheerfully say goodbye. You can expect that separation anxiety can
take some weeks to resolve. Do not let your child
(13:18):
stay home from school to manage their anxiety. This can
quickly turn into a school refusal problem. If the anxiety
is making it difficult for your child to function at school,
or if your child is so withdrawn that he or
she can't make friends, participate, or speak up, then an
(13:39):
evaluation from a child psychologist or psychiatrist maybe needed. Treatment
can be extremely effective, reasonably quick, and is very important
because left untreated, other anxieties may develop, may become more debilitating,
or lead to anxiety in adolescence or even adulthood. Do
(14:04):
you have a problem I can help with? If so,
email me yet? How can I help? At Seneca women
dot Com Paul Centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too.
How can I help with me? Doctor Gale's Salts
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