July 2, 2021 • 13 mins
Jealousy can be destructive for couples, and it’s usually a sign of insecurity. A listener with trust issues asks for advice, and Dr. Saltz provides answers that can help improve any relationship.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Jealousy is an emotion
that all of us experienced at some time or another.
That's why today I'm answering a question about jealousy and
how it can harm a relationship. It's quite normal to
feel wishes to have more of your loved one to yourself,
(00:50):
and possibly to not like it when they appear to
be devoting their time and attention to someone else. People
who feel very secure here in themselves and really like
themselves tend to feel less jealous of others and less
possessive of their partners. People who have had abandonment and
(01:12):
betrayal in their lives and feel overwhelmed by jealousy, as
can children who felt left by a parent's divorce or
parents who are otherwise emotionally unavailable. If you saw infidelity
in your growing up. You may feel afraid that your
(01:33):
partner will cheat too, even if they give you no
cause to feel this way. If deep down you feel
you are not really a desirable person or a partner,
then you may always think I've got to hold onto
them and keep control, or they might leave me. There
(01:54):
are two jealous scenarios that will erode and eventually destroy
a relationship. One is when you feel constantly jealous of
your partner, and the other is when they are always
jealous towards you. Trying to control who your partner sees
and talks to is not only impossible, it is smothering. Sadly,
(02:20):
many men and women live in fear of his or
her mate straying, and even feel threatened when they spend
time with their friends. Some people also feel jealous of work,
because it's another place their partner attends to rather than
to them. What drives this insatiable jealousy insecurity, It is
(02:47):
the woman's belief if he is not thinking of her
every moment, then he doesn't love her as much as
she loves him. She may feel vulnerable and afraid of
being hurt or abandoned. Some women struggle with the intensely
jealous husband, one who tries to control her every move.
(03:08):
This lack of trust and need to constantly prove your
love and their centrality to you and be exhausting and
eventually produces the opposite effect. Eventually she wants nothing more
than to get away from him and be free, which
makes him even more controlling. As you can see, it's
(03:33):
a vicious cycle and often one that ends the marriage.
Sometimes a partner who constantly accuses the other one of
cheating will actually drive them to an affair. After all,
if they're going to do the time, they figure they
might as well do the crime. So with that in mind,
(03:56):
let's get to my question and see how can I help,
Dear doctor Saltz. I've been in a relationship with my
boyfriend for three years. Most of the time things are
pretty great between us, but one thing is a big problem.
I often feel jealous of any time or attention he
(04:18):
spends with any other woman. He has never cheated on me,
to the best of my knowledge, but he is an
outgoing person, something I like, and he had some female
friends when we met, and I find myself getting upset, suspicious,
and even mad when he talks to them. Or texts
(04:39):
them or sees any of them. I feel insecure and
like he might suddenly prefer one of them over me.
Our only arguments have revolved around me getting mad if
he is friendly to a woman and him than getting
angry at me. Then I'm too controlling and why when
(05:00):
I trust him. I've had this problem in past relationships,
so I'm starting to think that really the problem might
be with me being too jealous. What can I do
to work on this so I don't ruin my relationship? Well,
it's a good sign, actually that you recognize that you're
(05:21):
having a problem with jealousy. Many a jealous person has
difficulty even seeing that the issue might lie within them,
as opposed to being completely external and due to their partner.
That being said, in some circumstances, doubts and feelings of
jealousy are piqued by behavior of the partner, and this
(05:44):
is your mind's way of telling you that the foundation
of trust in your relationship may be being rocked. For example,
if your partner has taken to openly flirting with others,
or if they're hiding get togethers that they weren't hiding before.
If there's an unusual amount of unaccounted for time, unaccounted
(06:07):
for new behavior, and a withdrawal from you. But you
mentioned none of this, and perhaps most importantly, you mentioned
that this has been an issue for you in past relationships,
one that has harmed past relationships. Now, it's true that
(06:28):
some women, particularly those that grew up with infidelity between
their parents, might repetitively choose partners that have a propensity
to cheat, but you don't mention any of that. Instead,
you have the feeling that you have a struggle with jealousy,
and it's often correct to listen to that little voice
(06:49):
in your head telling you something about yourself. So let
me explain methods of tackling your own green eyed street.
Getting control of your jealousy does not mean getting control
of your partner. It means getting a handle on yourself.
(07:10):
So first think about uncovering where it came from. Where
was your jealousy born. Did your dad leave after a divorce,
or was your older sibling the clear favorite of your mother,
making for sibling jealousy? Did your last spouse cheat on you?
(07:31):
Figure out the situation that led you to feel so
insecure about any partner. Give thought to the ways in
which this past trauma or difficulty maybe informing your current
insecurity and the ways in which today's events are in
reality unrelated to these past events. My understanding your past stories,
(07:56):
you can change your current thinking. How can I help
with Dr Gail Salts will be back after the short break. Secondly,
(08:17):
look at your self confidence. If you don't love yourself,
how can you really believe anyone else would? Why don't
you like yourself? And think about how to make changes
in your self view or see yourself more accurately and
(08:38):
more positively. This will make an impact on your feelings
of jealousy. Thirdly, if your partner is actually modeling the
jealousy too, and you are reacting in kind, that could
be the culprit. In that case, you want to stop
(08:58):
enabling them. If it's your partner who is jealous, don't
allow the control that they're exerting. When you operate under
their strict control, you tend to feel angry and resentful
and act that out in ways that makes them even
more insecure. So tell them calmly and nicely, for example,
(09:24):
not during a fight, that you love them, but it
is they that have the problem and you are not
going to operate under a lock and key. Also tell
your partner you want to work on jealousy in the
relationship and that behaving towards each other with mutual trust, respect,
(09:45):
and mutual confidence building is important to you. Tell him
the things that you find undermining, for example, if he
is flirting with other women, and how you will make
it a point to not do the same thing you're
asking him not to do. And lastly, set bare ground rules.
(10:11):
Everyone needs friends and interests outside their relationship, so discuss
this openly and honestly with your partner and make some
compromises about how much time you will spend with them
and letting them spend time with their friends and their
outside interests. Do not force them to sneak around to
(10:35):
have time with friends. This will only make your partner
go further underground, and that will only make you more
suspicious and jealous. The more open, transparent, and upfront that
you both can be, the better. I hope that was helpful.
(10:57):
There are two different views about both the origins of
jealousy and the differences between men and women experiencing jealousy.
One school of thought is that jealousy is an adaptive,
evolutionary mechanism Researchers in this camp have found that men
(11:17):
tend to be more jealous about sexual infidelity, whereas women
are more disturbed by emotional infidelity. Their reasoning is that
men needed to know that their work done to feed
and protect their mate was actually propagating their genes and
not some other man's. Women, on the other hand, needed
(11:42):
to hold onto a man's emotional love in order to
be fed and protected and sheltered. Another group of researchers
found that there was more of a difference between different
cultures among men and women than between men and women.
This group found both men and women to be most
(12:06):
jealous over sexual infidelity both and they think that jealousy
is far more influenced by a person's societal and family experiences,
as I alluded to earlier, and that evolution does not
dictate jealous feelings. Wherever jealousy originates, there is no question
(12:29):
that it can be both adaptive by alerting one to
the risk of their partners straying and causing them to
work at deterring that behavior, and it can be destructive
by inducing angry, attacking behavior that might drive your partner away.
It's all a matter of how jealous you actually are.
(12:55):
Do you have a problem I can help with? If so,
email me yet how can I help? At Seneca women
dot Com. All centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday
to how can I help with me? Dr Gail's sault
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Jealousy is an emotion
that all of us experienced at some time or another.
That's why today I'm answering a question about jealousy and
how it can harm a relationship. It's quite normal to
feel wishes to have more of your loved one to yourself,
(00:50):
and possibly to not like it when they appear to
be devoting their time and attention to someone else. People
who feel very secure here in themselves and really like
themselves tend to feel less jealous of others and less
possessive of their partners. People who have had abandonment and
(01:12):
betrayal in their lives and feel overwhelmed by jealousy, as
can children who felt left by a parent's divorce or
parents who are otherwise emotionally unavailable. If you saw infidelity
in your growing up. You may feel afraid that your
(01:33):
partner will cheat too, even if they give you no
cause to feel this way. If deep down you feel
you are not really a desirable person or a partner,
then you may always think I've got to hold onto
them and keep control, or they might leave me. There
(01:54):
are two jealous scenarios that will erode and eventually destroy
a relationship. One is when you feel constantly jealous of
your partner, and the other is when they are always
jealous towards you. Trying to control who your partner sees
and talks to is not only impossible, it is smothering. Sadly,
(02:20):
many men and women live in fear of his or
her mate straying, and even feel threatened when they spend
time with their friends. Some people also feel jealous of work,
because it's another place their partner attends to rather than
to them. What drives this insatiable jealousy insecurity, It is
(02:47):
the woman's belief if he is not thinking of her
every moment, then he doesn't love her as much as
she loves him. She may feel vulnerable and afraid of
being hurt or abandoned. Some women struggle with the intensely
jealous husband, one who tries to control her every move.
(03:08):
This lack of trust and need to constantly prove your
love and their centrality to you and be exhausting and
eventually produces the opposite effect. Eventually she wants nothing more
than to get away from him and be free, which
makes him even more controlling. As you can see, it's
(03:33):
a vicious cycle and often one that ends the marriage.
Sometimes a partner who constantly accuses the other one of
cheating will actually drive them to an affair. After all,
if they're going to do the time, they figure they
might as well do the crime. So with that in mind,
(03:56):
let's get to my question and see how can I help,
Dear doctor Saltz. I've been in a relationship with my
boyfriend for three years. Most of the time things are
pretty great between us, but one thing is a big problem.
I often feel jealous of any time or attention he
(04:18):
spends with any other woman. He has never cheated on me,
to the best of my knowledge, but he is an
outgoing person, something I like, and he had some female
friends when we met, and I find myself getting upset, suspicious,
and even mad when he talks to them. Or texts
(04:39):
them or sees any of them. I feel insecure and
like he might suddenly prefer one of them over me.
Our only arguments have revolved around me getting mad if
he is friendly to a woman and him than getting
angry at me. Then I'm too controlling and why when
(05:00):
I trust him. I've had this problem in past relationships,
so I'm starting to think that really the problem might
be with me being too jealous. What can I do
to work on this so I don't ruin my relationship? Well,
it's a good sign, actually that you recognize that you're
(05:21):
having a problem with jealousy. Many a jealous person has
difficulty even seeing that the issue might lie within them,
as opposed to being completely external and due to their partner.
That being said, in some circumstances, doubts and feelings of
jealousy are piqued by behavior of the partner, and this
(05:44):
is your mind's way of telling you that the foundation
of trust in your relationship may be being rocked. For example,
if your partner has taken to openly flirting with others,
or if they're hiding get togethers that they weren't hiding before.
If there's an unusual amount of unaccounted for time, unaccounted
(06:07):
for new behavior, and a withdrawal from you. But you
mentioned none of this, and perhaps most importantly, you mentioned
that this has been an issue for you in past relationships,
one that has harmed past relationships. Now, it's true that
(06:28):
some women, particularly those that grew up with infidelity between
their parents, might repetitively choose partners that have a propensity
to cheat, but you don't mention any of that. Instead,
you have the feeling that you have a struggle with jealousy,
and it's often correct to listen to that little voice
(06:49):
in your head telling you something about yourself. So let
me explain methods of tackling your own green eyed street.
Getting control of your jealousy does not mean getting control
of your partner. It means getting a handle on yourself.
(07:10):
So first think about uncovering where it came from. Where
was your jealousy born. Did your dad leave after a divorce,
or was your older sibling the clear favorite of your mother,
making for sibling jealousy? Did your last spouse cheat on you?
(07:31):
Figure out the situation that led you to feel so
insecure about any partner. Give thought to the ways in
which this past trauma or difficulty maybe informing your current
insecurity and the ways in which today's events are in
reality unrelated to these past events. My understanding your past stories,
(07:56):
you can change your current thinking. How can I help
with Dr Gail Salts will be back after the short break. Secondly,
(08:17):
look at your self confidence. If you don't love yourself,
how can you really believe anyone else would? Why don't
you like yourself? And think about how to make changes
in your self view or see yourself more accurately and
(08:38):
more positively. This will make an impact on your feelings
of jealousy. Thirdly, if your partner is actually modeling the
jealousy too, and you are reacting in kind, that could
be the culprit. In that case, you want to stop
(08:58):
enabling them. If it's your partner who is jealous, don't
allow the control that they're exerting. When you operate under
their strict control, you tend to feel angry and resentful
and act that out in ways that makes them even
more insecure. So tell them calmly and nicely, for example,
(09:24):
not during a fight, that you love them, but it
is they that have the problem and you are not
going to operate under a lock and key. Also tell
your partner you want to work on jealousy in the
relationship and that behaving towards each other with mutual trust, respect,
(09:45):
and mutual confidence building is important to you. Tell him
the things that you find undermining, for example, if he
is flirting with other women, and how you will make
it a point to not do the same thing you're
asking him not to do. And lastly, set bare ground rules.
(10:11):
Everyone needs friends and interests outside their relationship, so discuss
this openly and honestly with your partner and make some
compromises about how much time you will spend with them
and letting them spend time with their friends and their
outside interests. Do not force them to sneak around to
(10:35):
have time with friends. This will only make your partner
go further underground, and that will only make you more
suspicious and jealous. The more open, transparent, and upfront that
you both can be, the better. I hope that was helpful.
(10:57):
There are two different views about both the origins of
jealousy and the differences between men and women experiencing jealousy.
One school of thought is that jealousy is an adaptive,
evolutionary mechanism Researchers in this camp have found that men
(11:17):
tend to be more jealous about sexual infidelity, whereas women
are more disturbed by emotional infidelity. Their reasoning is that
men needed to know that their work done to feed
and protect their mate was actually propagating their genes and
not some other man's. Women, on the other hand, needed
(11:42):
to hold onto a man's emotional love in order to
be fed and protected and sheltered. Another group of researchers
found that there was more of a difference between different
cultures among men and women than between men and women.
This group found both men and women to be most
(12:06):
jealous over sexual infidelity both and they think that jealousy
is far more influenced by a person's societal and family experiences,
as I alluded to earlier, and that evolution does not
dictate jealous feelings. Wherever jealousy originates, there is no question
(12:29):
that it can be both adaptive by alerting one to
the risk of their partners straying and causing them to
work at deterring that behavior, and it can be destructive
by inducing angry, attacking behavior that might drive your partner away.
It's all a matter of how jealous you actually are.
(12:55):
Do you have a problem I can help with? If so,
email me yet how can I help? At Seneca women
dot Com. All centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday
to how can I help with me? Dr Gail's sault
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