How to Handle Mean Girls and Other Bullies

Bullying can cause depression and anxiety in children—and in these days of social media everywhere, it’s harder than ever to escape. Dr. Saltz has advice for a listener whose daughter now dreads school, and reveals the simple practice that can stop the attacks.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to How Can I Help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,

(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight, and advice. There are a few
really important topics to discuss with your child about school
because they come up so often, and being informed ahead
of time can really help them and you. Many things
can happen during the school year. Children often feel anxiety

(00:50):
about the social scene, about academic stresses and competition, about
being in the classroom. When parents talk about things that
are happening during the year and give their kids tools
to use as those things might arise, it really helps
both parent and child. One important topic is socializing and bullying,

(01:15):
and so today I'm answering a question from a listener
about bullying. Getting bullied is a traumatic experience for a child.
It diminishes self esteem, It leaves kids feeling depressed and anxious,
and it can have long lasting effects. Unfortunately, modern technology

(01:37):
has created more opportunities for bullying than ever before. Why
do kids torture each other this way? It's normal for
children to have some aggression. The question is how much
do they have and what do they do with it?
And what are parents teaching them at home about managing

(01:59):
their own aggression and what's being modeled for that child
in terms of their own ability to contain it. Kids
who are bullied at home are far more likely to
go out and bully other kids. But the number of
kids who bully others because they truly have sociopathy, brewing

(02:22):
or are oppositional defiant, kids who may in fact derive
gratification from the pain of others, is actually a relatively
small number compared to the amount of bullying that goes
on others. And this is particularly true for girls who
may actually have a high social IQ and know how

(02:44):
to work a system, will use bullying for power to
fortify their own social position. Here again, parents are influential.
Are the parents expecting this child to be the powerful one?
Are they sending either overt or covert messages that they

(03:05):
want their child to be important, to be popular, to
be feared insecurity can also drive bullying. The feeling that
unless you bully, you will be the powerless one. Also, unfortunately,
there are now many more opportunities for bullying. Certainly, the

(03:28):
Internet and cell phones and all the social networking technology
have opened up this whole arena of ways to bully
and in fact emboldened kids who might not have bullied
before because it feels safe to bully from behind the screen.
In some ways, cyber bullying is more insidious and scary

(03:50):
from the perspective of the adult because unlike school before
social media, where you just came home and felt safe,
it's now a vailable twenty four to seven that access
that ability to bully. A child who's being bullied at
school at least comes home and is safe with her family.

(04:12):
But with the computer that potentially never goes away at
any time, you could turn it on and find that
someone has written something to shame or humiliate you, and
you might not even know who is doing that to you.
So with that, let's turn to my listener's question and ask,
how can I help, dear doctor Sauls. My daughter is

(04:37):
in fifth grade and has gone from being a reasonably happy,
go lucky, good student to not wanting to go to
school and dreading the day due to some mean behavior
from a few girls. She says she doesn't know why
they are picking on her and feels like there must
be something wrong with her, and of course this is
making it even worse. Basically have made fun of her,

(05:02):
They won't include her in anything social they do, and
she feels like they are talking about her behind her back.
These were not her friends to begin with, but really
they had gotten along just fine before this all started.
I need to help her, and I'm not sure how
what can I do to support her and help resolve

(05:25):
the situation so she can go back to being happy
in school. Bullying can really negatively affect mental health, and
so I agree completely that your daughter needs some support
to make sure this doesn't happen. Ideally, the most effective
method of dealing with this is if she has other

(05:46):
friends who she could feel comfortable discussing the situation with,
friends who she could say that she would totally stand
with and buy if they were bullied, and who she
could ask to stand with her. By standing with her,
I do not mean bullying the other girls back or
any sort of retaliation, but rather being with me. If

(06:10):
a girl is simply mean by saying, hey, that's my friend.
Don't be mean to her. That's really it, because it
turns out that research shows being a bystander who steps
into support is really the most effective means of stopping bullying,
even more effective than the victim themselves saying something this

(06:35):
needs to be a friend. She would also assure that
she would reciprocate with should it come to be needed.
Discuss with your daughter, having several good lines that she
can say in the moment should it be around her. Again,
not bullying lines, but rather a line like, hey, that's mean,

(06:56):
and I think that if you had self respect, you
would n't act that way, or some such line that
basically sets a limit, not something that's a retaliation. If
she has our line set, she won't be taken off
guard if it happens and say something that just makes
things worse. Speak to the teacher, explain the problem going on,

(07:20):
and see what can be done in terms of giving
your daughter more space and time away from the perpetrators,
a different group, a different classroom, a place she doesn't
need to encounter them all day. Most importantly, tell your
daughter you get it, and you're in her corner and

(07:42):
you will help her. There are things that can be done.
You don't want her to feel helpless. If your daughter
seems to be slipping into a depression, get her to
a therapist for help. Sometimes therapy can help a child
not only whether the storm would improve her own emotional intelligence,

(08:05):
her own ability to have insights and thereby her overall
social skills moving forward, which will definitely help her in
terms of bullying. Be back in a moment with some
tips about bullying. Welcome back. Here are some ideas on

(08:36):
how to talk to kids about bullying. First, forewarn your child.
Talk to your child about what bullying is. Explain to
your child the signs of bullying and whether or not
it's going on. Make sure she knows that if something
happens in school or online, she should tell you and

(08:57):
you will support her and together figure out how to
work it out. If something is happening online, it's especially
important that they not respond before telling you about it,
because with bullying, it's really critical to not engage, to
not feed it. By being exactly who the perpetrator is

(09:17):
looking for someone they can get a rise out of it.
And she should not erase the hurtful post before talking
to you, because if it can be saved somewhere, even
just printed out and kept in a file. Sometimes you
will need to collect evidence of what's been going on
should things really escalate, so that you can show that

(09:40):
it has happened. Next, fortify your child. Make it clear
that bullying says less about the victim personally than it
does about the bully. This kid who's bullying has a problem,
and others have to learn how to deflect and contain
this problem. Feed what's going on. Explain that the worst

(10:03):
way to respond is a sort of mob mentality. Other
children who are afraid of being targets will join with
the bully and abandon the victim instead, Teach your child
to resist the heard effect, not to pile on when
someone else is being bullied, and if she has the

(10:25):
strength to support her friends, they will find the nerve
to support her as well. Practice appropriate responses By having
conversations with your child before bullying starts, they will be
more likely to come to you if they become a target.
That gives you a chance to have a dialogue and

(10:47):
role play with them at home. So and so said this, Okay,
what are a couple of lines that you can say
if it happens again? When a child is insulted or
human afiliated, they are likely to be stunned, and you
want to make sure that they don't react in a
way that adds fuel to the fire. It helps to

(11:10):
come up in advance with four lines that they can
say that they feel comfortable with to deflect what is
going on. You can also think together about people or
friends that they can confide in and hope for support from.
Next find allies. Encourage your child to make a deal

(11:32):
with friends. You stick up for me, I'll stick up
for you. Data shows that the most effective way to
combat bullying is for bystanders to step in and say, hey,
that's my friend. Don't do that. Talk to your school.
The most effective way to arm children against bullying is

(11:52):
for schools to start educating kids about it, and many
schools are. They start in first grade with bullying education.
What is bullying? How do we support our peers? What
is treating someone with respect? What is empathy? You have
them try empathy on for size and see how it feels.

(12:14):
And sticking up for each other. The lesson is that
if everybody wants to avoid being a target, they can
only do that by hanging together as a parent think
about talking to your school whether your kid is being
bullied or not, because bullying education, if it's made developmentally
appropriate through the years, is really the best weapon. If

(12:39):
your child is being stalked or threatened with violence, you
should contact the police as well as a school. In
extreme cases, bullying can become a criminal matter, and your
top priority is always the welfare of your child. Do
you have a problem I can help with? If so,
email me yet how can I help? At Seneca women

(13:01):
dot com. All centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday
to how can I help with me? Doctor Gale Saltz