March 12, 2021 • 11 mins
Unhappy with your body? Feeling anxious and insecure? Here's how to be kinder to yourself and get a better outlook.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight, and advice. Many women find themselves
struggling at one point or another with negative feelings about
their bodies or appearance. This typically, and sadly often starts
in the teens, when bodies are changing, an awareness of
some public and cultural ideas of what a body is
(00:49):
supposed to look like often take root. Anxiety issues also
often start for women in their teens, and sometimes anxiety
plays out as a worry about your body and how
it looks. And that's what I'll be answering your questions
about today. Body image and body issues. Worry insecurity, or
(01:11):
even obsessing over your body can wax and wane, receding
when the stress is low and becoming more persistent when
stressors go up. This past year has been very stressful
for many reasons, and so not surprisingly, many women are
feeling either a resurgence of past body concerns or new ones.
(01:34):
The force staying indoors, a lot more sitting, loss of
social ways to be moving about, the isolation, and anxieties
about either being alone with wishes for a partner or
being with a partner. But stressors causing relationship discord are
all conspiring to increase the level of both general anxiety
(01:56):
and in particular body anxiety and diatisfaction for a lot
of women. Some women who really struggle with feeling unhappy
about their bodies may in fact have an eating disorder,
and alternatively, a woman might be suffering from a form
of anxiety or even obsessive compulsive disorder called body dysmorphic disorder.
(02:18):
So let's get to it and see how can I help.
Here's today's question, Dear Doctor Salts, My friends talk a
lot about women's bodies. They often make disparaging comments about
their own bodies and other women's bodies. Even though it's
(02:41):
not about me, I still feel uneasy about it. Is
it fair for me to want them to stop? And
how do I get them too? Women tend to talk
a lot about their bodies. It can be in a
healthy boost yourself image kind of way, or a disparaging,
terry yourself down kind of way. What does it mean?
(03:03):
It can mean a whole lot of different things. It
can be because they are repeating what they've heard from
important women in their lives, for example, their mothers or sisters,
close friends, and they think this is just what women do.
It can be, in their minds, a way to forge
a camaraderie by sharing a vulnerability and commiserating, thereby creating
(03:26):
an intimacy and a trust with this other woman. I
bear my body insecurities to you and you bear them
to me, and hey, we get each other. It can be, however,
a call for help and a method of finding reassurance,
like I am really feeling insecure and I'm going to
tell you in hopes you tell me that I'm really
(03:48):
okay and I don't need to feel insecure. It can
be a way of trying to reassure a friend that
they see is already insecure by telling her, hey, I
too feel like you, and together we're actually just fine.
But it can also be a way of spotting insecurity
and a friend and trying to elicit more insecurity in
(04:08):
that friend as a means of making themselves feel better.
My stomach is too big, No, my stomach is bigger.
Oh okay, well, actually you're right, and I feel relieved.
A group of women generally critiquing other women's bodies is
often a general projection out onto others of their own
(04:31):
internal insecurities, but unfortunately, the criticisms vocalized aloud served to
make all of you feel aware that those harsh judgments
could be and possibly are, even being turned on you
when you're not there. This is why female on female
bullying is so effective and not only distressing the bullied,
(04:54):
but all of those in the click of bulliers, because
everyone knows it could easily be turned on them. It's
also possible one or some of your friends might be
revealing their quiet struggle with an eating disorder or body dysmorphia,
both of which sufferers have a distorted from reality body
image that pains them and on which they feel compelled
(05:16):
to act by either in the case of an eating disorder,
not eating, or in the case of body dysmorphia, by
hiding that body part, avoiding looking at it, or alternatively
checking that part all the time, sometimes even pursuing corrective
measures like surgery. For a body part that in reality
(05:36):
looks nothing like the body that they think they have.
Body dysmorphic disorder affects two of the population, and women
more frequently than men. How can I help with Dr
Gaale Salts will be back after this short break. With
(06:02):
all this in mind, your uneasiness is not surprising at all.
Your uneasiness may be related to being made to feel
more insecure about your own body, but it may also
be just about being part of and a witness to
a form of harsh judgment of others and of each
other in the group, disguised as body shaming. It would
(06:25):
be helpful for you to think about which one of
these it is, or if it's both. If it is
stirring body and security in you and you have symptoms
of an eating disorder or body dysmorphia, I urge you
to explain to your friends that you have a struggle
of your own and really need to step away from
this discussion and step away from not only that discussion
(06:49):
but related social media about bodies and body shaming and
think about how you want to address your symptoms. But
if it's more about how to stay intimate with these friends,
stay close friends, but tell them that generally these kinds
of harsh judgments of others stirs you in a way
as to make you feel sad and insecure, and that
(07:10):
you wish together to shift towards ways to build each
other up or be able to discuss your own insecurities,
but as a way to show how you cope with insecurity,
then that would be very constructive, not only to you,
but to you all. If you just leave during this
chatter with no explanation, it may be taken as criticism
(07:30):
poorly received. If, however, you explain, and I advise not
at the moment that your friend just uttered her critique
about somebody else's body, but at another time, perhaps one
on one, instead of in a group, and using the
word I as in I feel this way when I hear,
instead of you as in you did this, which will
(07:53):
simply put them on the defensive, it's more likely to
be a well received as well. So just saying I
feel or it makes me feel bad and uncomfortable when
anyone says how bad someone else's body is, I really
wish we could steer away from that and instead be
kinder or at least avoid the body critique. You might
(08:17):
propose some more positive modes of speaking, like making an
effort to compliment each other on things you do appreciate
about your friend group. In general, women building women up
improves intimacy as well as self esteem. In my experience,
people often came into my office really unaware that what
(08:39):
they did have was body dysmorphic disorder. It's not spoken
very much about, and it causes tremendous suffering, but it
is often hard to spot. The Symptoms of body dysmorphic
disorder include being super preoccupied with a perceived flaw in
your appearance something to other people would be either terribly
(09:02):
minor or actually not there at all. A strong belief
that your defect makes you ugly or deformed or something unacceptable,
and a belief that other people are noticing it, maybe
even mocking you. Then you engage at behaviors that are
aimed at fixing it or hiding it, and it takes
(09:23):
up a lot of your time and energy, so you
may spend a lot of time looking in the mirror
or grooming yourself in certain ways. You might be comparing
yourself often to others, which is why I bring this
up now, because your comment about your friends talking about others.
That's something that somebody might do with body dysmorphia. They
(09:43):
may really compare themselves a lot to others and find
themselves wanting seeking frequent reassurance about their appearance, and sometimes
talking about others appearance is a way of doing that
and being generally very perfectionistic. And in the end this
may cause a friend who has body dysmorphia to start
(10:05):
avoiding social situations. Something to be aware of in either
yourself or to note in one of your friends. I
hope that was helpful. Our bodies cut to the essence
of our self image and self love. The path of
body criticism is a slippery slope towards self loathing and disgust.
(10:29):
It can really rehab it with your ability to love yourself.
I'm not suggesting a totally unrealistic self view, but rather
a positive self acceptance. Your body does many important and
wonderful things for you, and in return, it's earned your acceptance,
your nurturing, care and love. Women can do that for
(10:51):
themselves and for others. The more women support each other
in areas big and small, the more we all benefit.
Do you have a problem I can help with? If so,
email me at How can I help At Seneca women
dot Com. All senders remain anonymous and listen every Friday too.
(11:14):
How can I help with me, Doctor Gale Salts,
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight, and advice. Many women find themselves
struggling at one point or another with negative feelings about
their bodies or appearance. This typically, and sadly often starts
in the teens, when bodies are changing, an awareness of
some public and cultural ideas of what a body is
(00:49):
supposed to look like often take root. Anxiety issues also
often start for women in their teens, and sometimes anxiety
plays out as a worry about your body and how
it looks. And that's what I'll be answering your questions
about today. Body image and body issues. Worry insecurity, or
(01:11):
even obsessing over your body can wax and wane, receding
when the stress is low and becoming more persistent when
stressors go up. This past year has been very stressful
for many reasons, and so not surprisingly, many women are
feeling either a resurgence of past body concerns or new ones.
(01:34):
The force staying indoors, a lot more sitting, loss of
social ways to be moving about, the isolation, and anxieties
about either being alone with wishes for a partner or
being with a partner. But stressors causing relationship discord are
all conspiring to increase the level of both general anxiety
(01:56):
and in particular body anxiety and diatisfaction for a lot
of women. Some women who really struggle with feeling unhappy
about their bodies may in fact have an eating disorder,
and alternatively, a woman might be suffering from a form
of anxiety or even obsessive compulsive disorder called body dysmorphic disorder.
(02:18):
So let's get to it and see how can I help.
Here's today's question, Dear Doctor Salts, My friends talk a
lot about women's bodies. They often make disparaging comments about
their own bodies and other women's bodies. Even though it's
(02:41):
not about me, I still feel uneasy about it. Is
it fair for me to want them to stop? And
how do I get them too? Women tend to talk
a lot about their bodies. It can be in a
healthy boost yourself image kind of way, or a disparaging,
terry yourself down kind of way. What does it mean?
(03:03):
It can mean a whole lot of different things. It
can be because they are repeating what they've heard from
important women in their lives, for example, their mothers or sisters,
close friends, and they think this is just what women do.
It can be, in their minds, a way to forge
a camaraderie by sharing a vulnerability and commiserating, thereby creating
(03:26):
an intimacy and a trust with this other woman. I
bear my body insecurities to you and you bear them
to me, and hey, we get each other. It can be, however,
a call for help and a method of finding reassurance,
like I am really feeling insecure and I'm going to
tell you in hopes you tell me that I'm really
(03:48):
okay and I don't need to feel insecure. It can
be a way of trying to reassure a friend that
they see is already insecure by telling her, hey, I
too feel like you, and together we're actually just fine.
But it can also be a way of spotting insecurity
and a friend and trying to elicit more insecurity in
(04:08):
that friend as a means of making themselves feel better.
My stomach is too big, No, my stomach is bigger.
Oh okay, well, actually you're right, and I feel relieved.
A group of women generally critiquing other women's bodies is
often a general projection out onto others of their own
(04:31):
internal insecurities, but unfortunately, the criticisms vocalized aloud served to
make all of you feel aware that those harsh judgments
could be and possibly are, even being turned on you
when you're not there. This is why female on female
bullying is so effective and not only distressing the bullied,
(04:54):
but all of those in the click of bulliers, because
everyone knows it could easily be turned on them. It's
also possible one or some of your friends might be
revealing their quiet struggle with an eating disorder or body dysmorphia,
both of which sufferers have a distorted from reality body
image that pains them and on which they feel compelled
(05:16):
to act by either in the case of an eating disorder,
not eating, or in the case of body dysmorphia, by
hiding that body part, avoiding looking at it, or alternatively
checking that part all the time, sometimes even pursuing corrective
measures like surgery. For a body part that in reality
(05:36):
looks nothing like the body that they think they have.
Body dysmorphic disorder affects two of the population, and women
more frequently than men. How can I help with Dr
Gaale Salts will be back after this short break. With
(06:02):
all this in mind, your uneasiness is not surprising at all.
Your uneasiness may be related to being made to feel
more insecure about your own body, but it may also
be just about being part of and a witness to
a form of harsh judgment of others and of each
other in the group, disguised as body shaming. It would
(06:25):
be helpful for you to think about which one of
these it is, or if it's both. If it is
stirring body and security in you and you have symptoms
of an eating disorder or body dysmorphia, I urge you
to explain to your friends that you have a struggle
of your own and really need to step away from
this discussion and step away from not only that discussion
(06:49):
but related social media about bodies and body shaming and
think about how you want to address your symptoms. But
if it's more about how to stay intimate with these friends,
stay close friends, but tell them that generally these kinds
of harsh judgments of others stirs you in a way
as to make you feel sad and insecure, and that
(07:10):
you wish together to shift towards ways to build each
other up or be able to discuss your own insecurities,
but as a way to show how you cope with insecurity,
then that would be very constructive, not only to you,
but to you all. If you just leave during this
chatter with no explanation, it may be taken as criticism
(07:30):
poorly received. If, however, you explain, and I advise not
at the moment that your friend just uttered her critique
about somebody else's body, but at another time, perhaps one
on one, instead of in a group, and using the
word I as in I feel this way when I hear,
instead of you as in you did this, which will
(07:53):
simply put them on the defensive, it's more likely to
be a well received as well. So just saying I
feel or it makes me feel bad and uncomfortable when
anyone says how bad someone else's body is, I really
wish we could steer away from that and instead be
kinder or at least avoid the body critique. You might
(08:17):
propose some more positive modes of speaking, like making an
effort to compliment each other on things you do appreciate
about your friend group. In general, women building women up
improves intimacy as well as self esteem. In my experience,
people often came into my office really unaware that what
(08:39):
they did have was body dysmorphic disorder. It's not spoken
very much about, and it causes tremendous suffering, but it
is often hard to spot. The Symptoms of body dysmorphic
disorder include being super preoccupied with a perceived flaw in
your appearance something to other people would be either terribly
(09:02):
minor or actually not there at all. A strong belief
that your defect makes you ugly or deformed or something unacceptable,
and a belief that other people are noticing it, maybe
even mocking you. Then you engage at behaviors that are
aimed at fixing it or hiding it, and it takes
(09:23):
up a lot of your time and energy, so you
may spend a lot of time looking in the mirror
or grooming yourself in certain ways. You might be comparing
yourself often to others, which is why I bring this
up now, because your comment about your friends talking about others.
That's something that somebody might do with body dysmorphia. They
(09:43):
may really compare themselves a lot to others and find
themselves wanting seeking frequent reassurance about their appearance, and sometimes
talking about others appearance is a way of doing that
and being generally very perfectionistic. And in the end this
may cause a friend who has body dysmorphia to start
(10:05):
avoiding social situations. Something to be aware of in either
yourself or to note in one of your friends. I
hope that was helpful. Our bodies cut to the essence
of our self image and self love. The path of
body criticism is a slippery slope towards self loathing and disgust.
(10:29):
It can really rehab it with your ability to love yourself.
I'm not suggesting a totally unrealistic self view, but rather
a positive self acceptance. Your body does many important and
wonderful things for you, and in return, it's earned your acceptance,
your nurturing, care and love. Women can do that for
(10:51):
themselves and for others. The more women support each other
in areas big and small, the more we all benefit.
Do you have a problem I can help with? If so,
email me at How can I help At Seneca women
dot Com. All senders remain anonymous and listen every Friday too.
(11:14):
How can I help with me, Doctor Gale Salts,
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