September 8, 2023 • 14 mins
Everyone has a body part they’re dissatisfied with, but worrying about thigh jiggle and tummy flab is more than just annoying—it can get in the way of a fulfilling sex life. Dr. Saltz advises a listener whose unhappiness over her post-baby weight gain is coming between her and her husband.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to How Can I Help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, the psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Do you find that
whenever your partner starts being sexual you immediately start worrying
about your jiggling thighs or flabby tummy? Do you hide
your body in close or always turn out the light
to avoid really seeing your body? Do you find you
(00:50):
maneuver your partner into certain sexual positions because you think
you look thinner that way. Disliking parts or all of
your body can really interfere with your ability to enjoy
sexual pleasure with a partner. Being visually and tactically aroused
by your partner's body is a big part of sexual
(01:12):
pleasure for both sexes. Another part of arousal is imagining
what it's like to be your partner being with you.
Fantasizing about how exciting it is for him to be
physical with you is very normal and a key ingredient
in pleasurable sex. If, however, you are unhappy and self
(01:36):
conscious with your body, then imagining him looking and touching
you will be a turn off and feel humiliating. Today
I'm answering a listener's question about her discomfort with her
body and its impact on her marital life. Unfortunately, women
are surrounded by magazine and television and social media images
(02:00):
of female bodies that are just not consistent with reality.
Most men really find voluptuous curves and the saying something
to hold on to to be very sexy, but most
women think that having your rib show and a tiny
(02:21):
behind and unnaturally high big breast to be the model
of sexiness. This inconsistency between cover models who've been surgically
enhanced and airbrushed and women who don't have an eating disorder,
have born children and simply aren't eighteen anymore is fertile
(02:44):
ground for self criticism of their body. Many women dislike
their behinds, their breasts, their stomachs, or legs. In fact,
some women don't even like their genitals. They are unaware
that genital come in different sizes and shapes and think
theirs is different or unattractive. Besides the fact that it
(03:08):
is difficult to feel free and passionate when you are
thinking about how unattractive a part of you looks, it
is also not much of a turn on for your partner. Generally,
men do not find it sexy to hear you say,
oh gosh, my butt is so flabby, or are my
(03:28):
breast too droopy? Nor is it a turn on if
you don't believe any compliments they give you. This issue
of body image affects many women. It especially affects women
who have required some sort of surgery on their body,
such as a hysterectomy or breast surgery for cancer. Having
(03:51):
a lumpectomy or mastectomy for some women, really devastates their
body image, and they may require therapy to deal with
this issue in addition to the struggling of dealing with illness.
So with that, let's get to my listener's question and
ask how can I help, dear doctor Saults. I have
(04:17):
usually been pretty happy with my body, though at times
wishing for thinner thighs or a smaller belly, but mostly
fairly satisfied, and I have also had a pretty good
sex life with my husband. I feel sexy, and I
think he's sexy, and I generally have appreciated that our
(04:38):
sex is good. When I got pregnant, I gained forty
five pounds, and it's now a year after giving birth,
and I've been unable to shed the remaining fifteen pounds.
I'm not nearly as happy with my body as I
used to be. And although my husband keeps saying he
(04:58):
finds me sexy and is attracted to me and that
the weight doesn't matter, when I look down and see
my stomach moving and my thighs look big, I do
not feel sexy. And it has been putting the kabash
on my desire to have sex, as I feel really
self conscious when we do have sex. I'm less comfortable
(05:21):
being naked, and I kind of feel like I want
to cover up when having sex, and I keep thinking
that if he is seeing this, he can't be feeling
terribly attracted. As a result, I am less inclined to
want to have sex, and my husband is feeling pretty
unhappy about this. He feels upset that our sex life
(05:45):
has dwindled, and I really don't know what to do
about all of this. I don't want to harm my
marriage I really need some help. Be back in a
moment with the answer to my listener's question. Welcome back.
(06:13):
Let's get to my listener's question and see how can
I help for women. Sexual excitement and desire often come
in part from self observation and imagining what your partner
sees and the desire they feel for you. Self consciousness
(06:37):
in that self observation can put a real damper on
a both arousal and desire. The good news is your
husband has been upfront that he doesn't feel that way.
He finds you attractive, sexy, and he is desirous of you.
(06:58):
The first point is you need to believe him. Most
men are not solely attracted to some magazine or social
media version of a body. Most men find a variety
of bodies and weights to be attractive, and your husband
is telling you that he does believe him. The person
(07:22):
having the issue here is you. It sounds as though
you've always been somewhat critical with certain, perhaps unrealistic standards
of what your body should look like. This is sadly
all too common, as women miserably compare themselves to idealized
views of women's bodies. It's time to be more honest
(07:46):
with yourself about real women's bodies. Your body has done
something amazing for you. It grew and delivered your child.
Start viewing your body through the lens of the awesome
power of your body to grow and deliver a human being.
(08:08):
Appreciate the miracle that is and the body that accomplished that.
Start looking at parts of your body you really do like,
and focus more visually and in your mind on that.
Maybe you like your arms, your butt, your calves. The
(08:30):
point is to view what you think is sexy and
to hold that visual fantasy in your mind. Partake less
of social media and other places that are throwing totally
unrealistic versions of a female body at you. It's warping
your perception for the worse, and actually the more you
(08:53):
do view these things, the worse. Most women tend to
feel looking is really better. Then think about getting some
sexy clothes that you feel flatter what you've got. Maybe
it's a lazy bra or sexy panties, a filmy nightie wear,
(09:14):
things that make you see you as more than mom,
more than diaper changer, that feel fun and arousing to
be in the point is, do some things for yourself
that increase the sexiness factor in your life. Attend to
(09:35):
your own day to day arousal by allowing yourself some
time for sexual fantasy. To stoke your own fires, try
turning the lights down low and creating a more filmy ambiance.
Perhaps adding music or insects or whatever can elevate the mood.
(09:57):
Can help you put you in the mood, and try
to keep up having some sort of regular sex or
sexual experience. This is important because once you stop, it's
harder to get started again more foreplay can also help
you feel more desired and can increase arousal so that
(10:20):
ultimately sex is more pleasurable, which ultimately will again increase desire.
It sounds like your husband would be happy to accommodate
this request. Make sure you communicate to him that the
issue has zero to do with desiring him and everything
to do with feeling self conscious, because if you have
(10:44):
pulled back sexually, it's likely that part of what's disturbing
him is he thinks it's because you want him less,
and rejection causes hurt and harm in the marriage. So
make it clear what the issue is, which can help
help him to continue to be clear that's not how
he feels and not feel rejected himself. Also, as we
(11:10):
move through developmental stages and ages, faces and bodies change
for men and women. It's normal, and women and men
stay sexy. Sexy is about the body and the mind
and working on your own self. Perception in this case
(11:31):
matters far more than your weight. I hope that was helpful.
It's important to realize how much poor self body image
may be getting in your way in bed and do
something to change that. Here are some suggestions to get
you going. First, stop comparing comparing your body to women
(11:55):
in magazines and movies and social media is completely ridiculous.
It is a masochistic set up for failure. Instead, start
recognizing that this constant comparison makes you feel insecure and
is subsequently less attractive to him. Next, body image is perception.
(12:21):
The way you see your body is in your mind.
Most women see themselves as heavier than they actually are
in reality. Start thinking about what you do like about
your body, and then the next step is look at
your body. If you've been thinking your body is unattractive
(12:41):
for quite a while, then chances are you haven't been
looking at it yourself. You have some perception of your
parts that is likely not accurate. It's time to take
a look. Get in front of a mirror and see
how curvy and sexy your body is. Also, take a
mirror and look between your legs. Many women have no
(13:04):
idea what their genital looks like, and they just have
some negative idea and view. It is very empowering to
see how intricate and beautiful the female genital actually is.
List three things you do like about your body. Concentrate
(13:25):
on things you like, write them down and think about
how sexy those parts of your body are and how
lucky he is to get to see them during sex
and be viewed. Take a shower with him, leave the
lights on one time, try a little strip tease. You
(13:47):
will see that seeing you is a fabulous turn on
for him, and give him a chance to show you
how much he loves your body and yourself a chance
to love it too. Do you have a problem I
can help with? If so, email me at how Can
I Help at senecawomen dot com. All centers remain anonymous
(14:10):
and listen every Friday to how can I help with me?
Doctor Gale's Saltz
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to How Can I Help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, the psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Do you find that
whenever your partner starts being sexual you immediately start worrying
about your jiggling thighs or flabby tummy? Do you hide
your body in close or always turn out the light
to avoid really seeing your body? Do you find you
(00:50):
maneuver your partner into certain sexual positions because you think
you look thinner that way. Disliking parts or all of
your body can really interfere with your ability to enjoy
sexual pleasure with a partner. Being visually and tactically aroused
by your partner's body is a big part of sexual
(01:12):
pleasure for both sexes. Another part of arousal is imagining
what it's like to be your partner being with you.
Fantasizing about how exciting it is for him to be
physical with you is very normal and a key ingredient
in pleasurable sex. If, however, you are unhappy and self
(01:36):
conscious with your body, then imagining him looking and touching
you will be a turn off and feel humiliating. Today
I'm answering a listener's question about her discomfort with her
body and its impact on her marital life. Unfortunately, women
are surrounded by magazine and television and social media images
(02:00):
of female bodies that are just not consistent with reality.
Most men really find voluptuous curves and the saying something
to hold on to to be very sexy, but most
women think that having your rib show and a tiny
(02:21):
behind and unnaturally high big breast to be the model
of sexiness. This inconsistency between cover models who've been surgically
enhanced and airbrushed and women who don't have an eating disorder,
have born children and simply aren't eighteen anymore is fertile
(02:44):
ground for self criticism of their body. Many women dislike
their behinds, their breasts, their stomachs, or legs. In fact,
some women don't even like their genitals. They are unaware
that genital come in different sizes and shapes and think
theirs is different or unattractive. Besides the fact that it
(03:08):
is difficult to feel free and passionate when you are
thinking about how unattractive a part of you looks, it
is also not much of a turn on for your partner. Generally,
men do not find it sexy to hear you say,
oh gosh, my butt is so flabby, or are my
(03:28):
breast too droopy? Nor is it a turn on if
you don't believe any compliments they give you. This issue
of body image affects many women. It especially affects women
who have required some sort of surgery on their body,
such as a hysterectomy or breast surgery for cancer. Having
(03:51):
a lumpectomy or mastectomy for some women, really devastates their
body image, and they may require therapy to deal with
this issue in addition to the struggling of dealing with illness.
So with that, let's get to my listener's question and
ask how can I help, dear doctor Saults. I have
(04:17):
usually been pretty happy with my body, though at times
wishing for thinner thighs or a smaller belly, but mostly
fairly satisfied, and I have also had a pretty good
sex life with my husband. I feel sexy, and I
think he's sexy, and I generally have appreciated that our
(04:38):
sex is good. When I got pregnant, I gained forty
five pounds, and it's now a year after giving birth,
and I've been unable to shed the remaining fifteen pounds.
I'm not nearly as happy with my body as I
used to be. And although my husband keeps saying he
(04:58):
finds me sexy and is attracted to me and that
the weight doesn't matter, when I look down and see
my stomach moving and my thighs look big, I do
not feel sexy. And it has been putting the kabash
on my desire to have sex, as I feel really
self conscious when we do have sex. I'm less comfortable
(05:21):
being naked, and I kind of feel like I want
to cover up when having sex, and I keep thinking
that if he is seeing this, he can't be feeling
terribly attracted. As a result, I am less inclined to
want to have sex, and my husband is feeling pretty
unhappy about this. He feels upset that our sex life
(05:45):
has dwindled, and I really don't know what to do
about all of this. I don't want to harm my
marriage I really need some help. Be back in a
moment with the answer to my listener's question. Welcome back.
(06:13):
Let's get to my listener's question and see how can
I help for women. Sexual excitement and desire often come
in part from self observation and imagining what your partner
sees and the desire they feel for you. Self consciousness
(06:37):
in that self observation can put a real damper on
a both arousal and desire. The good news is your
husband has been upfront that he doesn't feel that way.
He finds you attractive, sexy, and he is desirous of you.
(06:58):
The first point is you need to believe him. Most
men are not solely attracted to some magazine or social
media version of a body. Most men find a variety
of bodies and weights to be attractive, and your husband
is telling you that he does believe him. The person
(07:22):
having the issue here is you. It sounds as though
you've always been somewhat critical with certain, perhaps unrealistic standards
of what your body should look like. This is sadly
all too common, as women miserably compare themselves to idealized
views of women's bodies. It's time to be more honest
(07:46):
with yourself about real women's bodies. Your body has done
something amazing for you. It grew and delivered your child.
Start viewing your body through the lens of the awesome
power of your body to grow and deliver a human being.
(08:08):
Appreciate the miracle that is and the body that accomplished that.
Start looking at parts of your body you really do like,
and focus more visually and in your mind on that.
Maybe you like your arms, your butt, your calves. The
(08:30):
point is to view what you think is sexy and
to hold that visual fantasy in your mind. Partake less
of social media and other places that are throwing totally
unrealistic versions of a female body at you. It's warping
your perception for the worse, and actually the more you
(08:53):
do view these things, the worse. Most women tend to
feel looking is really better. Then think about getting some
sexy clothes that you feel flatter what you've got. Maybe
it's a lazy bra or sexy panties, a filmy nightie wear,
(09:14):
things that make you see you as more than mom,
more than diaper changer, that feel fun and arousing to
be in the point is, do some things for yourself
that increase the sexiness factor in your life. Attend to
(09:35):
your own day to day arousal by allowing yourself some
time for sexual fantasy. To stoke your own fires, try
turning the lights down low and creating a more filmy ambiance.
Perhaps adding music or insects or whatever can elevate the mood.
(09:57):
Can help you put you in the mood, and try
to keep up having some sort of regular sex or
sexual experience. This is important because once you stop, it's
harder to get started again more foreplay can also help
you feel more desired and can increase arousal so that
(10:20):
ultimately sex is more pleasurable, which ultimately will again increase desire.
It sounds like your husband would be happy to accommodate
this request. Make sure you communicate to him that the
issue has zero to do with desiring him and everything
to do with feeling self conscious, because if you have
(10:44):
pulled back sexually, it's likely that part of what's disturbing
him is he thinks it's because you want him less,
and rejection causes hurt and harm in the marriage. So
make it clear what the issue is, which can help
help him to continue to be clear that's not how
he feels and not feel rejected himself. Also, as we
(11:10):
move through developmental stages and ages, faces and bodies change
for men and women. It's normal, and women and men
stay sexy. Sexy is about the body and the mind
and working on your own self. Perception in this case
(11:31):
matters far more than your weight. I hope that was helpful.
It's important to realize how much poor self body image
may be getting in your way in bed and do
something to change that. Here are some suggestions to get
you going. First, stop comparing comparing your body to women
(11:55):
in magazines and movies and social media is completely ridiculous.
It is a masochistic set up for failure. Instead, start
recognizing that this constant comparison makes you feel insecure and
is subsequently less attractive to him. Next, body image is perception.
(12:21):
The way you see your body is in your mind.
Most women see themselves as heavier than they actually are
in reality. Start thinking about what you do like about
your body, and then the next step is look at
your body. If you've been thinking your body is unattractive
(12:41):
for quite a while, then chances are you haven't been
looking at it yourself. You have some perception of your
parts that is likely not accurate. It's time to take
a look. Get in front of a mirror and see
how curvy and sexy your body is. Also, take a
mirror and look between your legs. Many women have no
(13:04):
idea what their genital looks like, and they just have
some negative idea and view. It is very empowering to
see how intricate and beautiful the female genital actually is.
List three things you do like about your body. Concentrate
(13:25):
on things you like, write them down and think about
how sexy those parts of your body are and how
lucky he is to get to see them during sex
and be viewed. Take a shower with him, leave the
lights on one time, try a little strip tease. You
(13:47):
will see that seeing you is a fabulous turn on
for him, and give him a chance to show you
how much he loves your body and yourself a chance
to love it too. Do you have a problem I
can help with? If so, email me at how Can
I Help at senecawomen dot com. All centers remain anonymous
(14:10):
and listen every Friday to how can I help with me?
Doctor Gale's Saltz
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