April 1, 2022 • 17 mins
For some children, the thought of going to school each day is a source of anxiety—and that feeling has been made worse by the pandemic. Dr. Saltz talks about the root of the problem, and offers simple, practical tips that can make class time easier for children.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm doctor
Gale Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Many adults in children
are making the move after two years of staying home
from work in school due to the pandemic, to returning
to offices and school as well. Some are doing so
with more ease than others. After two years of trauma,
(00:49):
high stress, and endless togetherness. It's not surprising that some
kids are having anxiety leaving home even to go to school.
So today I'm answering a question from a parent about
how to help their child go back to school and
feel okay about doing something. It's perfectly normal to have
(01:11):
a fear of being separated from a parent, starting at
around age six months and often resolving at about the
time school starts, but many children continue to have what's
called separation anxiety after they begin school, even some into
(01:31):
high school or even college. Separation anxiety often runs in families,
as do many types of anxiety disorders. If you or
your partner have memories of feeling nervous about leaving home
for school or experienced intense homesickness, it should come as
(01:54):
no surprise your child may as well. Kids who are
i as babies around new things, for example, initially looking
away when presented with a new toy or around unfamiliar
people are biologically more likely to experience separation anxiety. Parents
(02:17):
who express discomfort of their own and exhibit anxiety about
introducing their children to new things, showing worry that other
places are dangerous in some way and expose their kids
to limited novelty, also increase the likelihood that their children
will have separation anxiety. Another factor that impacts separation anxiety
(02:41):
for a child is a past history of trauma or
a current stressor in the child's life, like divorce, moving homes,
or the loss of a family member or pet. If
your child, regardless of his age, expresses an soxiety about
going to school or says he doesn't want to go,
(03:05):
he may be struggling with separation anxiety that began before
school even started. If kids are younger they may not
even recognize that this is the reason they feel anxious,
and instead you may just see some regression in behavior,
such as more linginess than usual, reticence to play with others,
(03:30):
a loss of some milestone like potty training, being more
teery or having more tantrums than usual, or expressing fears
that harm will come to you or to themselves. Most
children have had some sort of break in the time
they were going to school due to the pandemic. It
(03:50):
may have been weeks, months, or even more that they
have needed to attend school on zoom from the comfort
and safety of their homes. The explanation for not going
to school was the danger of catching or spreading COVID nineteen.
In other words, it wasn't safe to go to school.
(04:14):
Now COVID nineteen is not gone, but most children have
gone back to school with or without masks. The feeling
of a threat is still present despite safety measures and
leave some parents and children still quite nervous about being
in school, stemming from the original threat of sickness and
(04:38):
having spent so much time at home. Some children are
experiencing more anxiety separating from their parents and going to
school than before. So with that, let's turn to my
listeners question and ask how can I help dear doctor results,
(05:01):
My seven year old son is having a hard time
going to school in the mornings. He says he doesn't
want to go, he is clinging to me, and now
he's become weepy each morning. At the end of the day,
he is happy to see me, but he also says
school was fine when I asked, and tells me good
things about his day. I've asked him if there is
(05:24):
a problem in school, like is someone bothering him or
is he having trouble with school work or with his teacher,
and he says no. But still every school morning he
is panicky about going to school generally. In fact, overall,
he is more clinging to me than he used to be,
(05:44):
although it's difficult to say because with the pandemic for
about a year, we were together all the time because
I had to work remotely and he couldn't go to kindergarten.
But as things opened up and we started being separated
for some parts of the day, I noticed him having
a very hard time with it, and it's continued on.
(06:05):
How can I help him to make the mornings easier emotionally?
For him and force for me to go off to school.
Your child is not alone in experiencing the pandemic as
a stressful, traumatic event that has happened to the world,
nor alone in the many children who felt safe and
(06:26):
protected from the outside threat by being in their home,
surrounded by their loved ones and everyone feeling safer from
the outside threat. They would also not be alone in
experiencing school as both engaging but also stressful. As important
(06:46):
as both education and socializing are for a child's development,
school for many children is simply very stressful, managing the
social intricacies, sometimes bullying being the schoolwork and the pressure
to perform both academically and socially causes anxiety for many children.
(07:09):
While the staying at home during the pandemic was hard
on some kids who felt isolated from peers and had
trouble learning via zoom, there was a large subset of
children who found not having to be in school a
relief and actually, in some ways emotionally, they fare better
than they did in school. They were less stressed. So
(07:32):
while your son is not articulating a particular issue in
school as the cause of his anxiety in the mornings,
and it's good that you asked, and I would advise
to keep asking. His overall stress level at school may
be high due to the experience of needing to be
on to perform to manage the social and academic expectations.
(07:56):
This would be pretty par for the course, but are over.
You might ask him if he is anxious about his
safety at school. Though intellectually both you and he may
believe it is safe for him to be at school,
he may have residual anxiety and fear about his safety
in terms of disease and contagion bringing something back to you,
(08:20):
and that makes it difficult to separate from you because
it poses a danger in his mind to both of you.
I'd ask him about these things and then just listen.
Just being able to discuss his anxieties can help him
in moving forward. Do not let the anxiety take over
and have him stay home. Giving in to anxiety with
(08:43):
avoidance will only serve to reinforce his anxiety and make
it harder to return to school. Do consider giving him
what's called a transitional object that can help him go
with what I would call a piece of you. Maybe
that's a note from you saying love him and we'll
(09:04):
see him after school, something that he can keep in
his pocket. Maybe it's a little object that you give
him to remind him of you, like a tiny toy
or a remembrance, like a special rock that you found together.
Remind him that once he gets to school he is fine,
and that you see him after school. You might try
(09:25):
rehearsing the morning in play. In other words, pretending that
he's going to school on a week end morning over
and over, or through drawing pictures after school, to have
him replay the separating and working through that. The more rehearsals,
the more familiar and the less distressing. On a weekend,
(09:47):
you can practice going to the school and then just
going home. Practice and repeating makes the event become more
ho hum to him and decreases the anxiety. Also verbally
reinforce the idea that we can do things that make
us nervous. We can tolerate the nervousness and be okay
(10:11):
when he expresses anxiety. You can be understanding that anxiety
is hard, but don't behave as if something terrible is
actually happening. Remind him that you wouldn't let him go
to school if you didn't feel it was safe for him.
To be there. Over time, with rehearsal and discussion, it
(10:33):
is likely his anxiety will simply diminish. Note if he
starts having trouble separating from you in other venues, continue
to set up opportunities for him to separate from you
at other times. This may be for a play date,
for an after school activity. Even being in separate parts
(10:54):
of the house don't make school the only time to
be separate. Being able to separate from a parent is
an important developmental task, and kids can regress in the
face of high stress, trauma, and high anxiety. Inability to
separate is often a symptom of high anxiety. Generally speaking,
(11:18):
if there are particular stressors that are going on in
your child's life, it is important to address those and
try to decrease the stressful trigger to help him move
forward with less anxiety. I hope that was helpful. After
the break, I'll return with more ways to manage separation
anxiety in your child. To continue with dealing with childhood
(11:50):
separation anxiety. Generally speaking, there are many ways to help
your child through separation anxiety to make it easier for
them to leave home for school every day. First and foremost,
check your own anxiety. If you feel nervous about your
child going to school and being away from you, of
(12:12):
harm coming to them, and the like, then your child
will pick up on that and it will keep their
anxiety high. You will be providing evidence that there is
plenty to fear. This is often unwittingly the case, because
once you have been a child with separation anxiety, it
is not unusual to grow into an adult and a
(12:34):
parent with separation anxiety that gets expressed in the form
of fear of being separated from your child. So first, parent,
heal myself. Think about your fears and how you can
either grapple with them to decrease them or seek help
therapeutically to decrease them so you will be able to
(12:55):
stop transmitting fear to your child. The next is to
actively create familiarity in regards to new settings or changes
ahead of time whenever possible, so that they no longer
seem so new or uncertain. It's uncertainty that is often
(13:15):
the fuel of the anxiety, so the more familiarity you
can create, the better. For example, if you move and
your child must start a new school, ask the school
to let you visit the classroom ahead of time. Show
your child where they will be, where they will walk in.
(13:36):
Tell the child what will happen. See the halls, the classroom, cafeteria.
If you can meet the teacher before your child makes
the switch to that school. Even better if you haven't already,
create a goodbye ritual for when you will say goodbye
in the morning. Having a routine and a ritual breathe
(13:59):
certainty and comfort. Make the rituals short and sweet. Prolonged
goodbyes increase anxiety. If you're dropping your child off, don't linger,
as this makes your child have to keep deciding between
being with you and getting engaged in the classroom, and
your child will pick you. Even if your child isn't
(14:24):
changing schools, she may still be struggling with the recent
start to the new school year. If so, talk to
the school about finding a staff member who will help
your child after you drop her off and say goodbye
to get engaged in the room. Identify a go to
person your child can be with if she is struggling,
(14:45):
and make it clear to your child this person is
someone you trust to stand in for you when you
are not there. Younger children often benefit from taking a
comfort transitional object with them in their backpack or to
have in their cubby. This should not be their most
beloved stuffed animal or blanket because it could get lost
or damaged, but another one they like from home to
(15:08):
be able to touch or cuddle if they are feeling
anxious during the day. If your child brings lunch, talk,
a note inside, or something a little fun so he's
reminded you were thinking of him and so he can
feel connected to you, make sure you or whoever is
retrieving your child after school is not late. Lateness, or
(15:33):
ever being left at school will increase his anxiety about
going there in the first place. Some children benefit from
a watch to be able to see what time it
is and know what time you will be coming for them.
Once you do get them, be enthusiastic and be curious
about what they did during the day, and make it
(15:53):
fun for them to tell you about what they have
been doing whenever possible. Preparing to dance for the next day.
Help them have everything laid out and ready so the
morning is relaxed and less rushed and less stressed. Have
them pick out their outfit, pack their backpack, make their
(16:13):
lunch choices, and anything else they can easily do ahead
of time and get up early enough to be ready
before them so you can help them and leave with
plenty of time to not be rushed. Choose your spot
to say goodbye with your ritual, and then cheerfully say goodbye.
(16:34):
You can expect that separation anxiety can take some weeks
to resolve. To not let your child stay home from
school to manage their anxiety. This can quickly turn into
a school refusal problem. If the anxiety is making it
difficult for your child to function at school, or if
your child is so withdrawn that he or she cannot
(16:57):
make friends, participate, or speak up, then an evaluation from
a school psychologist or psychiatrist may be needed. Treatment can
be extremely effective, reasonably quick, and is very important because
left untreated, other anxieties may develop, become more debilitating, or
(17:18):
lead to anxiety in adolescence or even adulthood. Do you
have a problem I can help with? If so, email
me yet? How can I help? At Seneca women dot Com,
all centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too. How
can I help with me? Dr Gail's Salts
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm doctor
Gale Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Many adults in children
are making the move after two years of staying home
from work in school due to the pandemic, to returning
to offices and school as well. Some are doing so
with more ease than others. After two years of trauma,
(00:49):
high stress, and endless togetherness. It's not surprising that some
kids are having anxiety leaving home even to go to school.
So today I'm answering a question from a parent about
how to help their child go back to school and
feel okay about doing something. It's perfectly normal to have
(01:11):
a fear of being separated from a parent, starting at
around age six months and often resolving at about the
time school starts, but many children continue to have what's
called separation anxiety after they begin school, even some into
(01:31):
high school or even college. Separation anxiety often runs in families,
as do many types of anxiety disorders. If you or
your partner have memories of feeling nervous about leaving home
for school or experienced intense homesickness, it should come as
(01:54):
no surprise your child may as well. Kids who are
i as babies around new things, for example, initially looking
away when presented with a new toy or around unfamiliar
people are biologically more likely to experience separation anxiety. Parents
(02:17):
who express discomfort of their own and exhibit anxiety about
introducing their children to new things, showing worry that other
places are dangerous in some way and expose their kids
to limited novelty, also increase the likelihood that their children
will have separation anxiety. Another factor that impacts separation anxiety
(02:41):
for a child is a past history of trauma or
a current stressor in the child's life, like divorce, moving homes,
or the loss of a family member or pet. If
your child, regardless of his age, expresses an soxiety about
going to school or says he doesn't want to go,
(03:05):
he may be struggling with separation anxiety that began before
school even started. If kids are younger they may not
even recognize that this is the reason they feel anxious,
and instead you may just see some regression in behavior,
such as more linginess than usual, reticence to play with others,
(03:30):
a loss of some milestone like potty training, being more
teery or having more tantrums than usual, or expressing fears
that harm will come to you or to themselves. Most
children have had some sort of break in the time
they were going to school due to the pandemic. It
(03:50):
may have been weeks, months, or even more that they
have needed to attend school on zoom from the comfort
and safety of their homes. The explanation for not going
to school was the danger of catching or spreading COVID nineteen.
In other words, it wasn't safe to go to school.
(04:14):
Now COVID nineteen is not gone, but most children have
gone back to school with or without masks. The feeling
of a threat is still present despite safety measures and
leave some parents and children still quite nervous about being
in school, stemming from the original threat of sickness and
(04:38):
having spent so much time at home. Some children are
experiencing more anxiety separating from their parents and going to
school than before. So with that, let's turn to my
listeners question and ask how can I help dear doctor results,
(05:01):
My seven year old son is having a hard time
going to school in the mornings. He says he doesn't
want to go, he is clinging to me, and now
he's become weepy each morning. At the end of the day,
he is happy to see me, but he also says
school was fine when I asked, and tells me good
things about his day. I've asked him if there is
(05:24):
a problem in school, like is someone bothering him or
is he having trouble with school work or with his teacher,
and he says no. But still every school morning he
is panicky about going to school generally. In fact, overall,
he is more clinging to me than he used to be,
(05:44):
although it's difficult to say because with the pandemic for
about a year, we were together all the time because
I had to work remotely and he couldn't go to kindergarten.
But as things opened up and we started being separated
for some parts of the day, I noticed him having
a very hard time with it, and it's continued on.
(06:05):
How can I help him to make the mornings easier emotionally?
For him and force for me to go off to school.
Your child is not alone in experiencing the pandemic as
a stressful, traumatic event that has happened to the world,
nor alone in the many children who felt safe and
(06:26):
protected from the outside threat by being in their home,
surrounded by their loved ones and everyone feeling safer from
the outside threat. They would also not be alone in
experiencing school as both engaging but also stressful. As important
(06:46):
as both education and socializing are for a child's development,
school for many children is simply very stressful, managing the
social intricacies, sometimes bullying being the schoolwork and the pressure
to perform both academically and socially causes anxiety for many children.
(07:09):
While the staying at home during the pandemic was hard
on some kids who felt isolated from peers and had
trouble learning via zoom, there was a large subset of
children who found not having to be in school a
relief and actually, in some ways emotionally, they fare better
than they did in school. They were less stressed. So
(07:32):
while your son is not articulating a particular issue in
school as the cause of his anxiety in the mornings,
and it's good that you asked, and I would advise
to keep asking. His overall stress level at school may
be high due to the experience of needing to be
on to perform to manage the social and academic expectations.
(07:56):
This would be pretty par for the course, but are over.
You might ask him if he is anxious about his
safety at school. Though intellectually both you and he may
believe it is safe for him to be at school,
he may have residual anxiety and fear about his safety
in terms of disease and contagion bringing something back to you,
(08:20):
and that makes it difficult to separate from you because
it poses a danger in his mind to both of you.
I'd ask him about these things and then just listen.
Just being able to discuss his anxieties can help him
in moving forward. Do not let the anxiety take over
and have him stay home. Giving in to anxiety with
(08:43):
avoidance will only serve to reinforce his anxiety and make
it harder to return to school. Do consider giving him
what's called a transitional object that can help him go
with what I would call a piece of you. Maybe
that's a note from you saying love him and we'll
(09:04):
see him after school, something that he can keep in
his pocket. Maybe it's a little object that you give
him to remind him of you, like a tiny toy
or a remembrance, like a special rock that you found together.
Remind him that once he gets to school he is fine,
and that you see him after school. You might try
(09:25):
rehearsing the morning in play. In other words, pretending that
he's going to school on a week end morning over
and over, or through drawing pictures after school, to have
him replay the separating and working through that. The more rehearsals,
the more familiar and the less distressing. On a weekend,
(09:47):
you can practice going to the school and then just
going home. Practice and repeating makes the event become more
ho hum to him and decreases the anxiety. Also verbally
reinforce the idea that we can do things that make
us nervous. We can tolerate the nervousness and be okay
(10:11):
when he expresses anxiety. You can be understanding that anxiety
is hard, but don't behave as if something terrible is
actually happening. Remind him that you wouldn't let him go
to school if you didn't feel it was safe for him.
To be there. Over time, with rehearsal and discussion, it
(10:33):
is likely his anxiety will simply diminish. Note if he
starts having trouble separating from you in other venues, continue
to set up opportunities for him to separate from you
at other times. This may be for a play date,
for an after school activity. Even being in separate parts
(10:54):
of the house don't make school the only time to
be separate. Being able to separate from a parent is
an important developmental task, and kids can regress in the
face of high stress, trauma, and high anxiety. Inability to
separate is often a symptom of high anxiety. Generally speaking,
(11:18):
if there are particular stressors that are going on in
your child's life, it is important to address those and
try to decrease the stressful trigger to help him move
forward with less anxiety. I hope that was helpful. After
the break, I'll return with more ways to manage separation
anxiety in your child. To continue with dealing with childhood
(11:50):
separation anxiety. Generally speaking, there are many ways to help
your child through separation anxiety to make it easier for
them to leave home for school every day. First and foremost,
check your own anxiety. If you feel nervous about your
child going to school and being away from you, of
(12:12):
harm coming to them, and the like, then your child
will pick up on that and it will keep their
anxiety high. You will be providing evidence that there is
plenty to fear. This is often unwittingly the case, because
once you have been a child with separation anxiety, it
is not unusual to grow into an adult and a
(12:34):
parent with separation anxiety that gets expressed in the form
of fear of being separated from your child. So first, parent,
heal myself. Think about your fears and how you can
either grapple with them to decrease them or seek help
therapeutically to decrease them so you will be able to
(12:55):
stop transmitting fear to your child. The next is to
actively create familiarity in regards to new settings or changes
ahead of time whenever possible, so that they no longer
seem so new or uncertain. It's uncertainty that is often
(13:15):
the fuel of the anxiety, so the more familiarity you
can create, the better. For example, if you move and
your child must start a new school, ask the school
to let you visit the classroom ahead of time. Show
your child where they will be, where they will walk in.
(13:36):
Tell the child what will happen. See the halls, the classroom, cafeteria.
If you can meet the teacher before your child makes
the switch to that school. Even better if you haven't already,
create a goodbye ritual for when you will say goodbye
in the morning. Having a routine and a ritual breathe
(13:59):
certainty and comfort. Make the rituals short and sweet. Prolonged
goodbyes increase anxiety. If you're dropping your child off, don't linger,
as this makes your child have to keep deciding between
being with you and getting engaged in the classroom, and
your child will pick you. Even if your child isn't
(14:24):
changing schools, she may still be struggling with the recent
start to the new school year. If so, talk to
the school about finding a staff member who will help
your child after you drop her off and say goodbye
to get engaged in the room. Identify a go to
person your child can be with if she is struggling,
(14:45):
and make it clear to your child this person is
someone you trust to stand in for you when you
are not there. Younger children often benefit from taking a
comfort transitional object with them in their backpack or to
have in their cubby. This should not be their most
beloved stuffed animal or blanket because it could get lost
or damaged, but another one they like from home to
(15:08):
be able to touch or cuddle if they are feeling
anxious during the day. If your child brings lunch, talk,
a note inside, or something a little fun so he's
reminded you were thinking of him and so he can
feel connected to you, make sure you or whoever is
retrieving your child after school is not late. Lateness, or
(15:33):
ever being left at school will increase his anxiety about
going there in the first place. Some children benefit from
a watch to be able to see what time it
is and know what time you will be coming for them.
Once you do get them, be enthusiastic and be curious
about what they did during the day, and make it
(15:53):
fun for them to tell you about what they have
been doing whenever possible. Preparing to dance for the next day.
Help them have everything laid out and ready so the
morning is relaxed and less rushed and less stressed. Have
them pick out their outfit, pack their backpack, make their
(16:13):
lunch choices, and anything else they can easily do ahead
of time and get up early enough to be ready
before them so you can help them and leave with
plenty of time to not be rushed. Choose your spot
to say goodbye with your ritual, and then cheerfully say goodbye.
(16:34):
You can expect that separation anxiety can take some weeks
to resolve. To not let your child stay home from
school to manage their anxiety. This can quickly turn into
a school refusal problem. If the anxiety is making it
difficult for your child to function at school, or if
your child is so withdrawn that he or she cannot
(16:57):
make friends, participate, or speak up, then an evaluation from
a school psychologist or psychiatrist may be needed. Treatment can
be extremely effective, reasonably quick, and is very important because
left untreated, other anxieties may develop, become more debilitating, or
(17:18):
lead to anxiety in adolescence or even adulthood. Do you
have a problem I can help with? If so, email
me yet? How can I help? At Seneca women dot Com,
all centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too. How
can I help with me? Dr Gail's Salts
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