February 17, 2023 • 14 mins
Many of us end up with a spouse who reminds us of our mother or father. And that can be nice—until we’re catapulted back to old childhood grievances that haven’t healed. Dr. Saltz advises a listener who feels like she’s dealing with a parent instead of a husband.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Do you ever find
your having a conversation with your spouse and suddenly it
dawns on you they are just like my mom or dad.
The phenomenon of choosing someone who either looks like, acts like,
(00:49):
or things like one of your parents is extremely common today.
I'm answering a question from a listener who is struggling
with this very issue. The reason this is common is
actually pretty simple. Your mother or father were your first
and most important childhood love objects. Little boys love their
(01:15):
mother's smell, her look, her laugh, and little girls think
their dad is the biggest, strongest, and often handsomest man
on the planet. This, of course, eventually changes, and as
kids become teens, they see all their parents flaws and faults.
(01:37):
They're deep and all encompassing. Love gets buried and they
move on to other loves, but somewhere unconscious that romantic
love remains, and so one often finds oneself attracted to
someone who reminds you of even if it's unconscious at
(01:59):
first love. Often, however, it does happen unconsciously, and so
you may not even realize how much your spouse is
like a parent. The similarity could be disguised too. Maybe
it's just their sense of humor. Maybe it's just their
comforting style or a passion that they share. Being like
(02:25):
mom can have an upside and a downside. The feeling
of being safe, being nurtured, being perfect for you are
all potential benefits of having them be like mom, But
what about that incredibly annoying habit, maybe their temper or
(02:48):
how nitpicky they are. When a spouse has features of
your parents that you've found very difficult for you growing up,
it can carry both a heavy weight and end a
lack of ability to spot what Maybe there. Being a
neat nick can suddenly drive you crazy without realizing that
(03:11):
it's not really about them. It's about how crazy your
mom made you by being a neat freak and getting
on you to clean up all the time. Sometimes belonging
for parents who you never got enough attention from can
also cause you to seek out a parent lover. If
(03:34):
dad was too self absorbed to notice you constantly critical,
or for example, if your father died when you were young,
then you may be instantly drawn to the father type.
Women who date or marry men decades their sor can
(03:56):
definitely fall into this category, and it can all lead
to disaster when the whole relationship turns into more of
a parent child seduction than a healthy relationship. Similarly, the
mama's boy who can never quite get enough of mom
(04:17):
may pick a mommy like wife, but she may also
find that her husband still toats on his mom a lot.
Marrying your parents need not only be the parent of
the opposite sex. The attraction to the opposite sex parent
is what Sigmund Freud meant when he referred to the
(04:39):
edible complex. He also noted that it is seen in
children and that there is also an attraction to the
parents of the same sex. In addition, you love both
parents deeply, You may have picked traits that belonged to
the same sex parent in your spouse because they are
(05:02):
things you admired or things that you needed as long
as your spouse doesn't remind you so much of your
parents that you can't stop thinking of that parent, even
in the bedroom, which has an obvious yuck factor. There
can be a lot of pleasure in having a wife
(05:23):
or husband like your mom and dad, including the likelihood
that your mom and dad will like them. But if
you are blowing up at your spouse a lot because
of things that do remind you too much of things
in your parents that aggravate you, then you need to
(05:44):
consider a few things. So with that, right after the break,
we'll get to my listeners question. Welcome back. Let's get
to my listeners question and see how can I help
(06:08):
dear doctor Saul's. The other day, my husband got annoyed
with me about something and said, you are acting very spoiled.
And while I might have stopped and thought for a
moment that he might have a point, instead, I was
transported back in time to when my father would say
(06:28):
that to me a lot, and a wave of nausea
swamped me as I realized that my father would say
this to me all the time, and that it dawned
on me the similarities between my husband and my father.
I am now kind of freaking out that maybe I
(06:49):
married my father and you there are many things that
are not like my dad about my husband. My husband
is sweeter and general, and he has more of a
sense of humor. I guess I could say that while
they don't look the same exactly, there are some similarities,
for example and coloring. It's mostly that when my husband
(07:14):
gets mad, he sounds like my father. And this bothers
me because my father got mad a lot and I
found it very distressing as a kid. So I am
not sure what to do about this. Is it weird
as heck that my husband is in any way reminding
(07:34):
me of my father? Does this bode badly for our marriage?
How can I react to my husband's anger and not
feel like I'm talking to my father? This is a
much more common phenomenon than you might think. Sometimes it's
because one is indeed drawn unconsciously to people who remind
(07:57):
us of our parents, both the good and the bad.
In a way, we all have a wish to repair
the wounds of childhood and getting approval from and unconditional
love from a parent. If you did not, in fact
experience enough of that can be a wound. You still
(08:19):
try to heal in adulthood by marrying someone who reminds
you of that parent and then working to get the
approval and unconditional love from them, a method of undoing
the trauma of the past. But sometimes it's not that
our partner is in actuality so much like our parents,
(08:44):
but rather that there is an emotional area that is
a sore point, a sticking point where you were bothered
or hurt by some particular dynamic that went on, and
having not resolved it, you still feel very sensitive in
this area and you see many things that might go
(09:06):
on in relating through the prism of this old hurt.
In other words, as you describe, it's not so much
that your husband is like your dad. It's that the
old and to you disturbing method your dad had of
criticizing you when he was angry accentuates any criticism your
(09:29):
husband levies when he is angry. First off, I will
say that direct personal attack is not a good and
healthy technique of arguing, and it would be fair on
your part, at a calm time to discuss with your
husband ways to handle an argument without personal attacks. But
(09:52):
you might also tell him that some attacks are especially
hurtful to you, and they make it hard for you
to age in a healthy disagreement with him. You are
spoiled maybe one of them, and you can explain that
this was your father's go to attack which really bothered you.
(10:14):
If your husband is trying to point out that in
some circumstances you are expecting too much or aren't appreciating
something you have, explain that you prefer if he can
tell it to you that way and what specifically he
is referring to, as opposed to this blanket statement which
(10:36):
feels two mean spirit of just you are spoiled. Hopefully,
you can also avoid being generally attacking and critical yourself
when arguing. It's helpful to remind yourself of the many
ways your husband is not like your father, or maybe
(10:57):
even like your father, but in positive ways. As you
mentioned his sense of humor. Both of these are quite
normal and will not harm your marriage at all. The
most important thing you can do to help your marriage
is to speak with your husband about what is a
problem and why in a calm, an even vulnerable way.
(11:23):
Telling your husband painful instances of your growing up can
increase your intimacy and trust and make you feel closer.
One other thought. If you have never spent any time
in therapy talking about and working through difficult and painful
past issues with your father that remain unresolved, it could
(11:47):
help you, It could help your marriage, and really it
could help all your relationships to do so. Unresolved childhood
pain can keep us overly protective of our own feelings
and unable to be as open and vulnerable in relationships
as would make us happy. But working them through can
(12:10):
help you to be closer to everyone you love in
your life. I hope that was helpful. If you think
you are drawn to, or even have married, your parents,
what are questions to ask yourself that might help you
resolve this issue? First, why do you hold onto your
(12:33):
parents if you are so bothered by the same traits,
perhaps you are accentuating the similarities by holding onto them.
Do you really still need mom or dad in an
unhealthy way? It's a good time to examine this and
consider why you don't feel more okay without the parent
(12:55):
at all. What's your role? Are you in some way
bringing out the worst of the trait that bugs you?
Sometimes it's your own wish to repeat the role that
you played with a parent that brings out the worst
of this in your spouse. So, for instance, if dad
(13:17):
was really critical, did you pick a man and then
be a doormat to him, asking indirectly for his criticisms? Next,
are you too sensitive? Sometimes we are very bothered because
in fact this was a sore spot with our parents.
(13:38):
If your mom was very neat and always on your
case about being messy, then it may be that you
are extra sensitive on this point, so as soon as
your wife asks you to clean up, you go ballistic.
Try to take a look at your own sensitivity and
finally tell the other spouse your sore points and why
(14:02):
they are. Your poor spouse may have no clue why
they feel pulled into these particular dramas with you. It
really helps the relationships. If you can tell them what
your sensitive spots are and why, and not leave it
a mystery as to why it makes you so upset,
(14:24):
then they don't have to take it as personally either.
Do you have a problem I can help with? If so,
email me yet? How can I help? At Seneca women
dot com, all centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too.
How can I help with me? Dr Gail's Salts
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Do you ever find
your having a conversation with your spouse and suddenly it
dawns on you they are just like my mom or dad.
The phenomenon of choosing someone who either looks like, acts like,
(00:49):
or things like one of your parents is extremely common today.
I'm answering a question from a listener who is struggling
with this very issue. The reason this is common is
actually pretty simple. Your mother or father were your first
and most important childhood love objects. Little boys love their
(01:15):
mother's smell, her look, her laugh, and little girls think
their dad is the biggest, strongest, and often handsomest man
on the planet. This, of course, eventually changes, and as
kids become teens, they see all their parents flaws and faults.
(01:37):
They're deep and all encompassing. Love gets buried and they
move on to other loves, but somewhere unconscious that romantic
love remains, and so one often finds oneself attracted to
someone who reminds you of even if it's unconscious at
(01:59):
first love. Often, however, it does happen unconsciously, and so
you may not even realize how much your spouse is
like a parent. The similarity could be disguised too. Maybe
it's just their sense of humor. Maybe it's just their
comforting style or a passion that they share. Being like
(02:25):
mom can have an upside and a downside. The feeling
of being safe, being nurtured, being perfect for you are
all potential benefits of having them be like mom, But
what about that incredibly annoying habit, maybe their temper or
(02:48):
how nitpicky they are. When a spouse has features of
your parents that you've found very difficult for you growing up,
it can carry both a heavy weight and end a
lack of ability to spot what Maybe there. Being a
neat nick can suddenly drive you crazy without realizing that
(03:11):
it's not really about them. It's about how crazy your
mom made you by being a neat freak and getting
on you to clean up all the time. Sometimes belonging
for parents who you never got enough attention from can
also cause you to seek out a parent lover. If
(03:34):
dad was too self absorbed to notice you constantly critical,
or for example, if your father died when you were young,
then you may be instantly drawn to the father type.
Women who date or marry men decades their sor can
(03:56):
definitely fall into this category, and it can all lead
to disaster when the whole relationship turns into more of
a parent child seduction than a healthy relationship. Similarly, the
mama's boy who can never quite get enough of mom
(04:17):
may pick a mommy like wife, but she may also
find that her husband still toats on his mom a lot.
Marrying your parents need not only be the parent of
the opposite sex. The attraction to the opposite sex parent
is what Sigmund Freud meant when he referred to the
(04:39):
edible complex. He also noted that it is seen in
children and that there is also an attraction to the
parents of the same sex. In addition, you love both
parents deeply, You may have picked traits that belonged to
the same sex parent in your spouse because they are
(05:02):
things you admired or things that you needed as long
as your spouse doesn't remind you so much of your
parents that you can't stop thinking of that parent, even
in the bedroom, which has an obvious yuck factor. There
can be a lot of pleasure in having a wife
(05:23):
or husband like your mom and dad, including the likelihood
that your mom and dad will like them. But if
you are blowing up at your spouse a lot because
of things that do remind you too much of things
in your parents that aggravate you, then you need to
(05:44):
consider a few things. So with that, right after the break,
we'll get to my listeners question. Welcome back. Let's get
to my listeners question and see how can I help
(06:08):
dear doctor Saul's. The other day, my husband got annoyed
with me about something and said, you are acting very spoiled.
And while I might have stopped and thought for a
moment that he might have a point, instead, I was
transported back in time to when my father would say
(06:28):
that to me a lot, and a wave of nausea
swamped me as I realized that my father would say
this to me all the time, and that it dawned
on me the similarities between my husband and my father.
I am now kind of freaking out that maybe I
(06:49):
married my father and you there are many things that
are not like my dad about my husband. My husband
is sweeter and general, and he has more of a
sense of humor. I guess I could say that while
they don't look the same exactly, there are some similarities,
for example and coloring. It's mostly that when my husband
(07:14):
gets mad, he sounds like my father. And this bothers
me because my father got mad a lot and I
found it very distressing as a kid. So I am
not sure what to do about this. Is it weird
as heck that my husband is in any way reminding
(07:34):
me of my father? Does this bode badly for our marriage?
How can I react to my husband's anger and not
feel like I'm talking to my father? This is a
much more common phenomenon than you might think. Sometimes it's
because one is indeed drawn unconsciously to people who remind
(07:57):
us of our parents, both the good and the bad.
In a way, we all have a wish to repair
the wounds of childhood and getting approval from and unconditional
love from a parent. If you did not, in fact
experience enough of that can be a wound. You still
(08:19):
try to heal in adulthood by marrying someone who reminds
you of that parent and then working to get the
approval and unconditional love from them, a method of undoing
the trauma of the past. But sometimes it's not that
our partner is in actuality so much like our parents,
(08:44):
but rather that there is an emotional area that is
a sore point, a sticking point where you were bothered
or hurt by some particular dynamic that went on, and
having not resolved it, you still feel very sensitive in
this area and you see many things that might go
(09:06):
on in relating through the prism of this old hurt.
In other words, as you describe, it's not so much
that your husband is like your dad. It's that the
old and to you disturbing method your dad had of
criticizing you when he was angry accentuates any criticism your
(09:29):
husband levies when he is angry. First off, I will
say that direct personal attack is not a good and
healthy technique of arguing, and it would be fair on
your part, at a calm time to discuss with your
husband ways to handle an argument without personal attacks. But
(09:52):
you might also tell him that some attacks are especially
hurtful to you, and they make it hard for you
to age in a healthy disagreement with him. You are
spoiled maybe one of them, and you can explain that
this was your father's go to attack which really bothered you.
(10:14):
If your husband is trying to point out that in
some circumstances you are expecting too much or aren't appreciating
something you have, explain that you prefer if he can
tell it to you that way and what specifically he
is referring to, as opposed to this blanket statement which
(10:36):
feels two mean spirit of just you are spoiled. Hopefully,
you can also avoid being generally attacking and critical yourself
when arguing. It's helpful to remind yourself of the many
ways your husband is not like your father, or maybe
(10:57):
even like your father, but in positive ways. As you
mentioned his sense of humor. Both of these are quite
normal and will not harm your marriage at all. The
most important thing you can do to help your marriage
is to speak with your husband about what is a
problem and why in a calm, an even vulnerable way.
(11:23):
Telling your husband painful instances of your growing up can
increase your intimacy and trust and make you feel closer.
One other thought. If you have never spent any time
in therapy talking about and working through difficult and painful
past issues with your father that remain unresolved, it could
(11:47):
help you, It could help your marriage, and really it
could help all your relationships to do so. Unresolved childhood
pain can keep us overly protective of our own feelings
and unable to be as open and vulnerable in relationships
as would make us happy. But working them through can
(12:10):
help you to be closer to everyone you love in
your life. I hope that was helpful. If you think
you are drawn to, or even have married, your parents,
what are questions to ask yourself that might help you
resolve this issue? First, why do you hold onto your
(12:33):
parents if you are so bothered by the same traits,
perhaps you are accentuating the similarities by holding onto them.
Do you really still need mom or dad in an
unhealthy way? It's a good time to examine this and
consider why you don't feel more okay without the parent
(12:55):
at all. What's your role? Are you in some way
bringing out the worst of the trait that bugs you?
Sometimes it's your own wish to repeat the role that
you played with a parent that brings out the worst
of this in your spouse. So, for instance, if dad
(13:17):
was really critical, did you pick a man and then
be a doormat to him, asking indirectly for his criticisms? Next,
are you too sensitive? Sometimes we are very bothered because
in fact this was a sore spot with our parents.
(13:38):
If your mom was very neat and always on your
case about being messy, then it may be that you
are extra sensitive on this point, so as soon as
your wife asks you to clean up, you go ballistic.
Try to take a look at your own sensitivity and
finally tell the other spouse your sore points and why
(14:02):
they are. Your poor spouse may have no clue why
they feel pulled into these particular dramas with you. It
really helps the relationships. If you can tell them what
your sensitive spots are and why, and not leave it
a mystery as to why it makes you so upset,
(14:24):
then they don't have to take it as personally either.
Do you have a problem I can help with? If so,
email me yet? How can I help? At Seneca women
dot com, all centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too.
How can I help with me? Dr Gail's Salts
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