October 22, 2021 • 15 mins
Ninety-nine percent of us will never attain the unrealistic, idealized shapes we see in the media. But that shouldn’t stand in the way of a great sex life. Dr. Saltz tells a listener how to regain body confidence in the bedroom.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm Dr
GAYL Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Do you find that
whenever your partner starts being sexual you immediately start worrying
about your jiggling thighs or flabby tummy? Do you hide
your body and clothes and always turn out the light
to avoid his really seeing your body? Do you find
(00:49):
yourself maneuvering your partner into certain sexual positions because you
think you look thinner that way? Disliking parts or all
of your body can only interfere with your ability to
enjoy sexual pleasure with your partner. So today I'm answering
a question from a woman about her body concerns and
(01:11):
its effect on her sex life. Being visually and tactfully
aroused by your partner's body is a big part of
sexual pleasure. Another part of arousal is imagining what it's
like to be your partner being physically with you. Fantasizing
(01:34):
about how exciting it is for him to physically be
with you is very normal and actually it's a key
ingredient and pleasurable sex. In fact, actually many studies have
looked at how important it is, particularly for women to
feel desired. If, however, you are unhappy and self conscious
(01:57):
about your body, then imagining him looking at and touching
you will be a turn off and it will feel humiliating. Unfortunately,
women are surrounded by social media and television images of
female bodies that are really not consistent with reality. Most
(02:21):
men find voluptuous curves and something to hold onto to
be very sexy, but most women think that having your
ribs show, having a tiny behind and non naturally high
big breasts to be the model sexiness. This inconsistency between
(02:43):
cover models who've been surgically enhanced and airbrushed and women
who don't have an eating disorder, have born children and
simply aren't eighteen anymore is fertile ground for sell criticism
of their body. Many women dislike something about themselves their bottom,
(03:08):
their breasts, their stomach, or legs. In fact, some women
don't like their genitals. They are unaware that genitals come
in different sizes and shapes and think there's is different
and unattractive. Besides the fact that it is difficult to
(03:28):
feel free and passionate when you're thinking about how unattractive
a part of you looks, it is also not much
of a turn on for your partner. Typically, men do
not find its sexy to hear, oh my god, my
butt is so flabby, or are my breast to drew by,
(03:50):
nor is it turn on if you don't believe any
of the compliments they give you. The issue of body
image affects any women. It especially affects women who have
required some sort of surgery on their body, such as
a hysterectomy or breast surgery for cancer. Having a lumpectomy
(04:13):
or mass stectomy for some women really devastates their body
image and they may require therapy to deal with this
issue in addition to the struggle of dealing with illness.
So with that, let's turn to my listeners question and
ask how can I help, dear doctor Saltz. I have
(04:39):
always really enjoyed sex with my husband. We have two children,
four and six, and while it's exhausting and harder to
find time to be romantic. I still enjoy sex, but
in the past year or two, I've put on some
weight and I'm not as happy with my body as
(05:00):
I used to be. My husband still clearly wants to
have sex, and he is not saying anything about my
weight or my body. In fact, he seems as into
me physically as ever. But I can't tell if he's
just not saying anything to not make me feel bad
or really doesn't care, because I feel unhappy when I
(05:23):
catch a glimpse of my belly, which isn't flat at all,
or my bottom which is cellulite, or my thighs which
are bigger. But maybe he doesn't care. Actually, when I
look at myself, I feel self conscious, not something I
used to feel when having sex, and it's putting a
real damper on my ability to feel sexy in the moment,
(05:47):
to feel passionate and excited. It makes me feel like
covering up and is robbing me of feeling a lot
of the pleasure I used to have. I am trying
to be healthy, I'm watching my diet, it I'm exercising,
but honestly it's not changing that much, and I fear
this is what I'm stuck with and mostly what's bothering
(06:10):
me is how it's impacting me. How I see myself
when I'm naked and in bed with my husband place
I used to love being. What can I do to
get my mojo back? How can I not let this
ruin my sex life? How can I help with Dr
(06:30):
Gail Salts will be back after this short break. Women's
bodies almost never stay the same as they age, and
especially after child bearing. These changes are a natural and
(06:52):
normal and expectable change that merely signify you're not twenty
something and that you've had children, which, in actuality is
a beautiful milestone that you and your partners share, and
these changes likely signify that to him. Just because you
(07:12):
have fallen prey to comparing your body to its ten
to fifteen years earlier self, doesn't mean that he has.
While he does not go through the changes associated with
child bearing, his body is changing too, and both of
you can and hopefully do see the changes as part
(07:34):
of the natural process of aging together and the positive
aspect of maintaining and growing your intimacy together. At this point,
you are assigning him the thoughts and feelings you are
having about your body to him, something that is called projection,
(07:57):
and then being hurt by the feelings that you have
projected onto him. G meanwhile, is continuing to enjoy having
sex with you, making it unlikely these thoughts are coming
from him, but importantly they are coming from you. And
in struggling with comparing yourself to younger you, or perhaps
(08:20):
even unrealistic versions of what you have been talked into
believing is optimally sexy by social media or TV images
of women's bodies, you have created an artificial and unrealistic
measuring stick. This isn't fair to you or actually to him.
(08:41):
Feeling desirable is a key ingredient and arousal, especially for women,
and so it is important for you to recoup ways
to feel that you are sexy and desirable. In a
perfect world, you would realign your idealized view of what
you should look like to be sexy with a more
(09:03):
normal view of women as they age and stay sexy.
Looking at images of women your age post childbearing that
are not airbrushed or done by celebrities, but just normal women.
Photos of normal women on the beach online, for example,
(09:25):
might help give you a more realistic view of the
variety of bodies out there and their naturalness, which is sexy.
Spend some time fantasizing about what type of fun wear
might make you feel even sexier, but that you haven't tried,
some special panty or alicey bra. The point is not
(09:49):
to cover up, but to dress up in a way
that you personally feel is fun and sexy, that you like.
What parts of your body do you like right now?
Everyone has parts that they like better at the moment
than others. Spend some time with your body alone, getting
(10:10):
reacquainted with your curves and having some positive dialogue with
yourself about what you like, and forming some sexual images
in your mind about those particular elements of your body.
Store them in your mind in your memory, and use
them when you are in bed with your partner conjuring
(10:32):
up those images. Also get in touch with your best
sexual fantasies. In general, use of sexual fantasy is very
helpful and cutting down on the amount of self observation
that one is doing in bed. Self observation in this
(10:53):
case is taking you outside of the act, outside of
your arousal and of your pleasure. So turning your mind
towards sexual fantasies of any sort as long as they
appeal to you can redirect your attention to what you're
thinking and feeling as opposed to what you are observing
(11:16):
and having negative thoughts about. Listen to and look at
your partner's arousal, look at his face, look at his body.
These are signs that he is into your body, and
seeing yourself through his eyes can help you to see
how desirable you really are. You might speak to him
(11:39):
of your recent insecurities and ask him to help you
with being more verbal about his attraction to you, something
that often enough wanes as couples are together for eons
and they take for granted this part of their sex life.
But telling him that it would help you lets him
(12:00):
understand that this would be good for both of you
in the long run if he would simply say how
and where he finds you sexy. His verbalizing your sexiness
can really turn up the heat and change your perception,
which right now is no doubt overly harsh and critical.
(12:20):
Other things that can be helpful and allow you to
appreciate your body more is to switch up what you're
doing in bed for two reasons. One is that new
positions and acts may look more sexy to you than
old ones, and that newness, by definition ratchets up the
(12:41):
excitement and arousal level, which can help you override negative
self observation. In all likelihood, this will be more than
fine with him too. I hope this was helpful. It's
important to realize how much poor self image could be
(13:03):
getting in your way in bed, and doing something to
change that is important. Here are generally some suggestions to
get you going. First, stop comparing comparing your body to
women in magazines and movies and videos is, to be honest,
(13:25):
completely ridiculous. It is a masochistic setup for failure. Instead,
start recognizing that this constant comparison makes you feel insecure
and as subsequently less attractive to him. Stop looking. Next.
Body image is perception. The way you see your body
(13:49):
is in your mind. Most women see themselves as heavier
than they actually are in reality. Start thinking about what
you do like about your body. Have positive self talk
with yourself about your body image. Then look at your body.
(14:10):
If you've been thinking your body is unattractive for quite
a while, then chances are you haven't even been looking
at it yourself. You have some perception of your parts
that is likely not accurate. It's time to take a look.
Get in front of a mirror and see how curvy
and sexy your body is. Also, take a mirror and
(14:31):
look between your legs. Many women have no idea what
their genital looks like and just have some negative version
in their mind. It's very empowering to see how intricate
and beautiful the female genitalia actually is. List three things
you do like. Concentrate on things you do like about
(14:54):
your body. Write them down and think about how sexy
those parts of your body are and how lucky he
is to get to see them during sex, and lastly,
be viewed. Take a shower with him, leave the lights
on one time, try a little strip tease. You will
(15:14):
see that seeing you is a fabulous turn on for him,
and give him a chance to show you how much
she loves your body and yourself a chance to love
it too. Do you have a problem I can help with?
If so, email me at how can I help? At
Seneca women dot com. All centers remain anonymous and listen
(15:38):
every Friday too. How can I help with me? Doctor
Gale's Salts
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm Dr
GAYL Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Do you find that
whenever your partner starts being sexual you immediately start worrying
about your jiggling thighs or flabby tummy? Do you hide
your body and clothes and always turn out the light
to avoid his really seeing your body? Do you find
(00:49):
yourself maneuvering your partner into certain sexual positions because you
think you look thinner that way? Disliking parts or all
of your body can only interfere with your ability to
enjoy sexual pleasure with your partner. So today I'm answering
a question from a woman about her body concerns and
(01:11):
its effect on her sex life. Being visually and tactfully
aroused by your partner's body is a big part of
sexual pleasure. Another part of arousal is imagining what it's
like to be your partner being physically with you. Fantasizing
(01:34):
about how exciting it is for him to physically be
with you is very normal and actually it's a key
ingredient and pleasurable sex. In fact, actually many studies have
looked at how important it is, particularly for women to
feel desired. If, however, you are unhappy and self conscious
(01:57):
about your body, then imagining him looking at and touching
you will be a turn off and it will feel humiliating. Unfortunately,
women are surrounded by social media and television images of
female bodies that are really not consistent with reality. Most
(02:21):
men find voluptuous curves and something to hold onto to
be very sexy, but most women think that having your
ribs show, having a tiny behind and non naturally high
big breasts to be the model sexiness. This inconsistency between
(02:43):
cover models who've been surgically enhanced and airbrushed and women
who don't have an eating disorder, have born children and
simply aren't eighteen anymore is fertile ground for sell criticism
of their body. Many women dislike something about themselves their bottom,
(03:08):
their breasts, their stomach, or legs. In fact, some women
don't like their genitals. They are unaware that genitals come
in different sizes and shapes and think there's is different
and unattractive. Besides the fact that it is difficult to
(03:28):
feel free and passionate when you're thinking about how unattractive
a part of you looks, it is also not much
of a turn on for your partner. Typically, men do
not find its sexy to hear, oh my god, my
butt is so flabby, or are my breast to drew by,
(03:50):
nor is it turn on if you don't believe any
of the compliments they give you. The issue of body
image affects any women. It especially affects women who have
required some sort of surgery on their body, such as
a hysterectomy or breast surgery for cancer. Having a lumpectomy
(04:13):
or mass stectomy for some women really devastates their body
image and they may require therapy to deal with this
issue in addition to the struggle of dealing with illness.
So with that, let's turn to my listeners question and
ask how can I help, dear doctor Saltz. I have
(04:39):
always really enjoyed sex with my husband. We have two children,
four and six, and while it's exhausting and harder to
find time to be romantic. I still enjoy sex, but
in the past year or two, I've put on some
weight and I'm not as happy with my body as
(05:00):
I used to be. My husband still clearly wants to
have sex, and he is not saying anything about my
weight or my body. In fact, he seems as into
me physically as ever. But I can't tell if he's
just not saying anything to not make me feel bad
or really doesn't care, because I feel unhappy when I
(05:23):
catch a glimpse of my belly, which isn't flat at all,
or my bottom which is cellulite, or my thighs which
are bigger. But maybe he doesn't care. Actually, when I
look at myself, I feel self conscious, not something I
used to feel when having sex, and it's putting a
real damper on my ability to feel sexy in the moment,
(05:47):
to feel passionate and excited. It makes me feel like
covering up and is robbing me of feeling a lot
of the pleasure I used to have. I am trying
to be healthy, I'm watching my diet, it I'm exercising,
but honestly it's not changing that much, and I fear
this is what I'm stuck with and mostly what's bothering
(06:10):
me is how it's impacting me. How I see myself
when I'm naked and in bed with my husband place
I used to love being. What can I do to
get my mojo back? How can I not let this
ruin my sex life? How can I help with Dr
(06:30):
Gail Salts will be back after this short break. Women's
bodies almost never stay the same as they age, and
especially after child bearing. These changes are a natural and
(06:52):
normal and expectable change that merely signify you're not twenty
something and that you've had children, which, in actuality is
a beautiful milestone that you and your partners share, and
these changes likely signify that to him. Just because you
(07:12):
have fallen prey to comparing your body to its ten
to fifteen years earlier self, doesn't mean that he has.
While he does not go through the changes associated with
child bearing, his body is changing too, and both of
you can and hopefully do see the changes as part
(07:34):
of the natural process of aging together and the positive
aspect of maintaining and growing your intimacy together. At this point,
you are assigning him the thoughts and feelings you are
having about your body to him, something that is called projection,
(07:57):
and then being hurt by the feelings that you have
projected onto him. G meanwhile, is continuing to enjoy having
sex with you, making it unlikely these thoughts are coming
from him, but importantly they are coming from you. And
in struggling with comparing yourself to younger you, or perhaps
(08:20):
even unrealistic versions of what you have been talked into
believing is optimally sexy by social media or TV images
of women's bodies, you have created an artificial and unrealistic
measuring stick. This isn't fair to you or actually to him.
(08:41):
Feeling desirable is a key ingredient and arousal, especially for women,
and so it is important for you to recoup ways
to feel that you are sexy and desirable. In a
perfect world, you would realign your idealized view of what
you should look like to be sexy with a more
(09:03):
normal view of women as they age and stay sexy.
Looking at images of women your age post childbearing that
are not airbrushed or done by celebrities, but just normal women.
Photos of normal women on the beach online, for example,
(09:25):
might help give you a more realistic view of the
variety of bodies out there and their naturalness, which is sexy.
Spend some time fantasizing about what type of fun wear
might make you feel even sexier, but that you haven't tried,
some special panty or alicey bra. The point is not
(09:49):
to cover up, but to dress up in a way
that you personally feel is fun and sexy, that you like.
What parts of your body do you like right now?
Everyone has parts that they like better at the moment
than others. Spend some time with your body alone, getting
(10:10):
reacquainted with your curves and having some positive dialogue with
yourself about what you like, and forming some sexual images
in your mind about those particular elements of your body.
Store them in your mind in your memory, and use
them when you are in bed with your partner conjuring
(10:32):
up those images. Also get in touch with your best
sexual fantasies. In general, use of sexual fantasy is very
helpful and cutting down on the amount of self observation
that one is doing in bed. Self observation in this
(10:53):
case is taking you outside of the act, outside of
your arousal and of your pleasure. So turning your mind
towards sexual fantasies of any sort as long as they
appeal to you can redirect your attention to what you're
thinking and feeling as opposed to what you are observing
(11:16):
and having negative thoughts about. Listen to and look at
your partner's arousal, look at his face, look at his body.
These are signs that he is into your body, and
seeing yourself through his eyes can help you to see
how desirable you really are. You might speak to him
(11:39):
of your recent insecurities and ask him to help you
with being more verbal about his attraction to you, something
that often enough wanes as couples are together for eons
and they take for granted this part of their sex life.
But telling him that it would help you lets him
(12:00):
understand that this would be good for both of you
in the long run if he would simply say how
and where he finds you sexy. His verbalizing your sexiness
can really turn up the heat and change your perception,
which right now is no doubt overly harsh and critical.
(12:20):
Other things that can be helpful and allow you to
appreciate your body more is to switch up what you're
doing in bed for two reasons. One is that new
positions and acts may look more sexy to you than
old ones, and that newness, by definition ratchets up the
(12:41):
excitement and arousal level, which can help you override negative
self observation. In all likelihood, this will be more than
fine with him too. I hope this was helpful. It's
important to realize how much poor self image could be
(13:03):
getting in your way in bed, and doing something to
change that is important. Here are generally some suggestions to
get you going. First, stop comparing comparing your body to
women in magazines and movies and videos is, to be honest,
(13:25):
completely ridiculous. It is a masochistic setup for failure. Instead,
start recognizing that this constant comparison makes you feel insecure
and as subsequently less attractive to him. Stop looking. Next.
Body image is perception. The way you see your body
(13:49):
is in your mind. Most women see themselves as heavier
than they actually are in reality. Start thinking about what
you do like about your body. Have positive self talk
with yourself about your body image. Then look at your body.
(14:10):
If you've been thinking your body is unattractive for quite
a while, then chances are you haven't even been looking
at it yourself. You have some perception of your parts
that is likely not accurate. It's time to take a look.
Get in front of a mirror and see how curvy
and sexy your body is. Also, take a mirror and
(14:31):
look between your legs. Many women have no idea what
their genital looks like and just have some negative version
in their mind. It's very empowering to see how intricate
and beautiful the female genitalia actually is. List three things
you do like. Concentrate on things you do like about
(14:54):
your body. Write them down and think about how sexy
those parts of your body are and how lucky he
is to get to see them during sex, and lastly,
be viewed. Take a shower with him, leave the lights
on one time, try a little strip tease. You will
(15:14):
see that seeing you is a fabulous turn on for him,
and give him a chance to show you how much
she loves your body and yourself a chance to love
it too. Do you have a problem I can help with?
If so, email me at how can I help? At
Seneca women dot com. All centers remain anonymous and listen
(15:38):
every Friday too. How can I help with me? Doctor
Gale's Salts
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