March 8, 2024 • 14 mins
Co-parenting is one thing, but what are the consequences when you develop a deep friendship with your ex? Dr. Saltz helps a listener navigate this tricky and often uncomfortable territory.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to How Can I Help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight, and advice. Just because you and
your partner break up, does it mean you have to
lose the other meaningful relationships that came with it? The
answer is maybe. Today I'm answering a question from a
listener who wants to stay friends with her newly ex husband. Actually,
(00:52):
one of the more painful parts of splitting up can
be that the very people you want to turn to
for support, to cry on the shoulder, to help fill
up your now vacant time is someone who seems to
belong to your ex, Whether it is your ex's friend
or their family members, or your ex themselves. It's terrible
(01:17):
to feel that part of your loss may end up
being these other people you like and really care about,
So then you wonder why can't I keep them? The
problem is that involvement with people who stay closely connected
with your ex is likely to keep you involved and
entrenched with that x. Many split ups are angry ones,
(01:41):
and even after many years, the anger can continue. Often
makes you wish they too are hurting, and having a
mutual friend keeps you checking in to see how they're
really doing. You tend to stay wrapped up in the drama,
making it more differentficult to move on. Similarly, your ex
(02:04):
is likely to feel angry that you are trying to
take their friend, and this keeps them wishing for retaliation.
Staying involved with their family can be more gratifying if
it is a mutual attempt to raise the children, but
it can also be more distressing, as people tend to
feel even more ownership about family and therefore hurt and
(02:28):
betrayed about this fraternizing. The big pothole is the why
you want to stay connected. Too often, it is an
attempt to either hold onto your ex when they don't
want to be held onto, or a wish to torture
them by making them feel envious and insecure. Neither will
(02:52):
help you move on, help you heal, and help you
find someone else. It is easy to lie, even to yourself,
about your motivations. If you want to maintain a friendship,
especially with your ex, but even without your ex with
other people in the surrounding group, ask yourself why and
(03:16):
be honest about it. Don't make the friend or family
member choose sides. If it's family, focus on the children,
and if it's with others, do not discuss the ex.
Reevaluate periodically. Is this relationship constructive or destructive? Now? Central
(03:42):
to all this is is staying friends with an ex
possible for some people. It really depends on various factors,
such as the nature of the breakup, individual personalities, and
the level of emotional attachment involved that you are thinking of.
So here are some things to consider. Do you have
(04:04):
mutual respect? If both parties can still respect and value
each other as individuals, then maintaining a friendship may be feasible.
Is there enough emotional distance, because it's really essential to
establish some boundaries and give each other enough space to
(04:27):
heal from the breakup of a partnership before attempting to
transition into a friendship. Can you communicate well, because open
and honest communication is really key to maintaining any friendship
post divorce. Discuss your intentions, your boundaries and your expectations
(04:50):
regarding a friendship. And then there is the issue of
new relationships. Consider how a friendship with your ex might
impact your current or future romantic relationships. Here, transparency and
trust are really vital, especially with whoever you're partnering with currently,
(05:12):
and there's a matter of closure. Ensuring that both of
you have achieved closure from the romantic relationship before attempting
to establish a friendship will matter, And of course compatibility
assessing whether you genuinely enjoy each other's company outside of
a romantic context, and whether the friendship is healthy for
(05:35):
both parties. Ultimately, staying friends with an ex can be
challenging and may not be the right choice for everyone.
It's really essential to prioritize your emotional well being and
make decisions that are best for you. After this break,
we'll get to my listener's question. Back with my listener's question,
(06:10):
Dear doctor Saltz, I have been divorced for about a year.
It was actually a fairly amicable split as these things go,
but we did endure some real hurt along the way.
We have basically stayed friends despite the divorce, and we
speak frequently and hang out sometimes not only because of
(06:32):
our children, though I do think it's important for them,
but also because although we could not stay married, we
really always were great friends, and I feel that he
remains so important to me, and I turned to him
about so many issues for support and even guidance. He
has started dating someone new and she seems not too
(06:57):
thrilled about our friendship. He says things, insinuating it is weird,
and she feels uncomfortable with him talking to me a
lot about things that aren't just the kids, with my
calling him too to confide anything non child related that
bothers her as well. Is this a problem? Do we
(07:20):
have to be non friends and just co parents? Is
there a way for me to preserve our friendship while
not creating a problem for him dating or even me
dating and perhaps even having more. Many married couples have
a deep friendship with their spouse, and even when the
ability to make the marriage work fails, they still find
(07:44):
that they have an ability and even a strong desire
to hang on to the friendship part, especially as they
share one of the most important spheres of their lives
their children, and they understand that only the other parent
will likely f as emotionally invested as they are in
their children. When times are hard, you often want to
(08:08):
confide in and get support from your friend, especially one
that has been your rock for so long. If bitterness
and hurt has not destroyed that, it's understandable to stay friends.
It seems like the new girlfriend feels threatened by the friendship.
She can't compete with the history, and she can't compete
(08:29):
with the kids, so she feels on unequal footing and
likely fears this friendship means he might go back to you,
or he might always preference you over her, and where
does that leave her. This dislike of what's going on
is about her own insecurity and possibly any nebulousness on
(08:52):
his part in how he makes her feel in terms
of importance to him. If you don't want to in
vote any sort of showdown, I'd suggest talking to him
about reassuring her that he has no plan to go
back to the marriage and that his friendship with you
will not affect whatever he develops with her, but also
(09:15):
that you will always be the mother of his children
and that he appreciates your friendship too, and it will
be a problem if she tries to end that. Some
combination of his assurances will hopefully help with any insecurity,
combined with making it clear she's not entitled to destroy
(09:36):
his relationship with you. Beyond that, you could also offer
to speak with her to reassure her you are not
looking to get back with your husband that you do
intend to keep this platonic but important relationship for the
health of you, him, and your children. But reassuring her
(09:58):
could go a long way as well. When you still
care about your ex, even when the marriage is over,
it can still be hard to watch them go off
with someone else. So stay in touch with your own
feelings here and be wary of stirring the pot with
this new woman, because unconsciously you want him to stay
(10:18):
with you, even though it's only in the friend zone,
but to not get involved with anybody else, because over time,
if you make other relationships impossible for him, eventually it
will harm you are good friendship. I hope that was helpful.
(10:45):
Staying friends with an ex can be a delicate balance,
but here are some tips that might be a help. First,
give yourself some time to heal, allowing yourself and your
ex partner some time and space to process breaking up
and healing emotionally before attempting to transition into a friendship
(11:06):
is important. Rushing into a friendship too soon can really
hinder the healing process. Establish clear boundaries to ensure that
both of you are comfortable with the dynamics of this friendship.
This might include topics you do avoid, or limitations on
(11:27):
how often you contact each other, or guidelines for interacting
with each other. Make sure to have open and honest communication,
which is crucial really for maintaining any friendship with an ex.
Being transparent about your feelings, your expectations, your concerns, and
encouraging your ex to do the same. Then shift the
(11:52):
focus of your relationship from romantic partners to just being
friends by finding common interests and activities that you enjoy
doing together as friends, and try to create some new
positive memories that are non romantic. You must respect each
(12:12):
other's space, because giving them the space they need is
a movement from romance to friendship and necessary to maintain
both of your emotional wellbeing. Offer support and encouragement to
your ex as you would to any friend, which means
being there for them during difficult times and celebrating their
(12:35):
successes and allowing them to find someone else in their life.
Romantically who may make them happy. Keep tabs on your jealousy.
If you or your ex start dating someone new, you
have to be mindful of any jealous feelings or discomfort
you might have, and that can be difficult. It requires
(12:57):
real soul searching. Communicate openly about these kinds of feelings
so that you can address them constructively and not destroy
others relationships, your relationship, or, for that matter, blow up
the friendship with the ex. And you have to be
willing to accept changes. Understanding that your relationship with your
(13:20):
ex might change over time. You might become less friendly
and that's okay. Be flexible and adaptable as this friendship resolves.
Staying friends with an ex isn't always possible, and it's
actually not healthy for everyone, so it's important to prioritize
(13:40):
your emotional wellbeing and make decisions that are better for you.
If being friends with your ex causes more harm than good,
it is okay to prioritize your own needs and distance
yourself from that relationship. Do you have a problem I
can help with? If so, email me at how Can
(14:02):
I Help? At senecawomen dot com. All centers remain anonymous
and listen every Friday to how can I help with me?
Doctor Gale Saltz
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to How Can I Help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight, and advice. Just because you and
your partner break up, does it mean you have to
lose the other meaningful relationships that came with it? The
answer is maybe. Today I'm answering a question from a
listener who wants to stay friends with her newly ex husband. Actually,
(00:52):
one of the more painful parts of splitting up can
be that the very people you want to turn to
for support, to cry on the shoulder, to help fill
up your now vacant time is someone who seems to
belong to your ex, Whether it is your ex's friend
or their family members, or your ex themselves. It's terrible
(01:17):
to feel that part of your loss may end up
being these other people you like and really care about,
So then you wonder why can't I keep them? The
problem is that involvement with people who stay closely connected
with your ex is likely to keep you involved and
entrenched with that x. Many split ups are angry ones,
(01:41):
and even after many years, the anger can continue. Often
makes you wish they too are hurting, and having a
mutual friend keeps you checking in to see how they're
really doing. You tend to stay wrapped up in the drama,
making it more differentficult to move on. Similarly, your ex
(02:04):
is likely to feel angry that you are trying to
take their friend, and this keeps them wishing for retaliation.
Staying involved with their family can be more gratifying if
it is a mutual attempt to raise the children, but
it can also be more distressing, as people tend to
feel even more ownership about family and therefore hurt and
(02:28):
betrayed about this fraternizing. The big pothole is the why
you want to stay connected. Too often, it is an
attempt to either hold onto your ex when they don't
want to be held onto, or a wish to torture
them by making them feel envious and insecure. Neither will
(02:52):
help you move on, help you heal, and help you
find someone else. It is easy to lie, even to yourself,
about your motivations. If you want to maintain a friendship,
especially with your ex, but even without your ex with
other people in the surrounding group, ask yourself why and
(03:16):
be honest about it. Don't make the friend or family
member choose sides. If it's family, focus on the children,
and if it's with others, do not discuss the ex.
Reevaluate periodically. Is this relationship constructive or destructive? Now? Central
(03:42):
to all this is is staying friends with an ex
possible for some people. It really depends on various factors,
such as the nature of the breakup, individual personalities, and
the level of emotional attachment involved that you are thinking of.
So here are some things to consider. Do you have
(04:04):
mutual respect? If both parties can still respect and value
each other as individuals, then maintaining a friendship may be feasible.
Is there enough emotional distance, because it's really essential to
establish some boundaries and give each other enough space to
(04:27):
heal from the breakup of a partnership before attempting to
transition into a friendship. Can you communicate well, because open
and honest communication is really key to maintaining any friendship
post divorce. Discuss your intentions, your boundaries and your expectations
(04:50):
regarding a friendship. And then there is the issue of
new relationships. Consider how a friendship with your ex might
impact your current or future romantic relationships. Here, transparency and
trust are really vital, especially with whoever you're partnering with currently,
(05:12):
and there's a matter of closure. Ensuring that both of
you have achieved closure from the romantic relationship before attempting
to establish a friendship will matter, And of course compatibility
assessing whether you genuinely enjoy each other's company outside of
a romantic context, and whether the friendship is healthy for
(05:35):
both parties. Ultimately, staying friends with an ex can be
challenging and may not be the right choice for everyone.
It's really essential to prioritize your emotional well being and
make decisions that are best for you. After this break,
we'll get to my listener's question. Back with my listener's question,
(06:10):
Dear doctor Saltz, I have been divorced for about a year.
It was actually a fairly amicable split as these things go,
but we did endure some real hurt along the way.
We have basically stayed friends despite the divorce, and we
speak frequently and hang out sometimes not only because of
(06:32):
our children, though I do think it's important for them,
but also because although we could not stay married, we
really always were great friends, and I feel that he
remains so important to me, and I turned to him
about so many issues for support and even guidance. He
has started dating someone new and she seems not too
(06:57):
thrilled about our friendship. He says things, insinuating it is weird,
and she feels uncomfortable with him talking to me a
lot about things that aren't just the kids, with my
calling him too to confide anything non child related that
bothers her as well. Is this a problem? Do we
(07:20):
have to be non friends and just co parents? Is
there a way for me to preserve our friendship while
not creating a problem for him dating or even me
dating and perhaps even having more. Many married couples have
a deep friendship with their spouse, and even when the
ability to make the marriage work fails, they still find
(07:44):
that they have an ability and even a strong desire
to hang on to the friendship part, especially as they
share one of the most important spheres of their lives
their children, and they understand that only the other parent
will likely f as emotionally invested as they are in
their children. When times are hard, you often want to
(08:08):
confide in and get support from your friend, especially one
that has been your rock for so long. If bitterness
and hurt has not destroyed that, it's understandable to stay friends.
It seems like the new girlfriend feels threatened by the friendship.
She can't compete with the history, and she can't compete
(08:29):
with the kids, so she feels on unequal footing and
likely fears this friendship means he might go back to you,
or he might always preference you over her, and where
does that leave her. This dislike of what's going on
is about her own insecurity and possibly any nebulousness on
(08:52):
his part in how he makes her feel in terms
of importance to him. If you don't want to in
vote any sort of showdown, I'd suggest talking to him
about reassuring her that he has no plan to go
back to the marriage and that his friendship with you
will not affect whatever he develops with her, but also
(09:15):
that you will always be the mother of his children
and that he appreciates your friendship too, and it will
be a problem if she tries to end that. Some
combination of his assurances will hopefully help with any insecurity,
combined with making it clear she's not entitled to destroy
(09:36):
his relationship with you. Beyond that, you could also offer
to speak with her to reassure her you are not
looking to get back with your husband that you do
intend to keep this platonic but important relationship for the
health of you, him, and your children. But reassuring her
(09:58):
could go a long way as well. When you still
care about your ex, even when the marriage is over,
it can still be hard to watch them go off
with someone else. So stay in touch with your own
feelings here and be wary of stirring the pot with
this new woman, because unconsciously you want him to stay
(10:18):
with you, even though it's only in the friend zone,
but to not get involved with anybody else, because over time,
if you make other relationships impossible for him, eventually it
will harm you are good friendship. I hope that was helpful.
(10:45):
Staying friends with an ex can be a delicate balance,
but here are some tips that might be a help. First,
give yourself some time to heal, allowing yourself and your
ex partner some time and space to process breaking up
and healing emotionally before attempting to transition into a friendship
(11:06):
is important. Rushing into a friendship too soon can really
hinder the healing process. Establish clear boundaries to ensure that
both of you are comfortable with the dynamics of this friendship.
This might include topics you do avoid, or limitations on
(11:27):
how often you contact each other, or guidelines for interacting
with each other. Make sure to have open and honest communication,
which is crucial really for maintaining any friendship with an ex.
Being transparent about your feelings, your expectations, your concerns, and
encouraging your ex to do the same. Then shift the
(11:52):
focus of your relationship from romantic partners to just being
friends by finding common interests and activities that you enjoy
doing together as friends, and try to create some new
positive memories that are non romantic. You must respect each
(12:12):
other's space, because giving them the space they need is
a movement from romance to friendship and necessary to maintain
both of your emotional wellbeing. Offer support and encouragement to
your ex as you would to any friend, which means
being there for them during difficult times and celebrating their
(12:35):
successes and allowing them to find someone else in their life.
Romantically who may make them happy. Keep tabs on your jealousy.
If you or your ex start dating someone new, you
have to be mindful of any jealous feelings or discomfort
you might have, and that can be difficult. It requires
(12:57):
real soul searching. Communicate openly about these kinds of feelings
so that you can address them constructively and not destroy
others relationships, your relationship, or, for that matter, blow up
the friendship with the ex. And you have to be
willing to accept changes. Understanding that your relationship with your
(13:20):
ex might change over time. You might become less friendly
and that's okay. Be flexible and adaptable as this friendship resolves.
Staying friends with an ex isn't always possible, and it's
actually not healthy for everyone, so it's important to prioritize
(13:40):
your emotional wellbeing and make decisions that are better for you.
If being friends with your ex causes more harm than good,
it is okay to prioritize your own needs and distance
yourself from that relationship. Do you have a problem I
can help with? If so, email me at how Can
(14:02):
I Help? At senecawomen dot com. All centers remain anonymous
and listen every Friday to how can I help with me?
Doctor Gale Saltz
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