February 25, 2022 • 15 mins
Kids copy what they see, and modern media—especially social media—offer lots of negative role models. If your normally polite child has become rude, sarcastic or verbally aggressive, Dr. Saltz has great advice on how to course-correct.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to How Can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Have you noticed an
uptick in kids insulting one another, denying the truth of
what you've told them? As their parents, we're saying whatever
they want to be true as though it were the truth.
Are you concerned that your child seems to increasingly speak
(00:49):
in sound bites that are sarcastic or even aggressive. Unfortunately,
today's political climate of division, marked by shouting down the
other side, by denials of truth and creating an alternate
reality to suit one's preferred world view, as well as
increasingly aggressive and sometimes even violent rhetoric and imagery, is
(01:15):
likely taking a toll on children's minds and behavior. So
today I'm answering a listener's question about struggling with her
child's rude behavior. Kids look to parents behavior to determine
how they themselves should behave. They also look to parental
(01:36):
standings or role models for cues as to how to
view the world, what morals to uphold, and behaviors that
follow suit. The current political climate of incivility in the
United States is captured not only in news coverage, but
on full display in social media, a realm which many
(01:59):
children have ready access to through smartphones and other devices.
What kids and their parents are seeing is nothing short
of a daily barrage of bad behavior that includes everything
from bullying and insulting others, to refusal to compromise, attempts
(02:21):
to cheat and lie, and very often political leader showing
a complete and utter lack of empathy for others. It's
no small wonder the kids are echoing this behavior at
home and in school. It takes effort and nuance to
steer your kids away from incorporating these warped values and
(02:44):
morals and this type of behavior into their daily routine.
So don't try to fight fire with fire. Rather than
fending off a politicians modeling with a similarly vulgar offensive,
make observations about their handling of this issue, aside from
(03:05):
the issue itself, and how you would hope to do
things differently. For example, you might tell your child that
you wish the politician had been more honest in making
his or her case, or you might discuss how you
value truth above being right. Or if a politician is
(03:28):
publicly bullying or insulting an opponent, you might tell your child,
I think saying something that hurtful is wrong and beneath
that person's important position. Give examples of past leaders who
accomplish things with more moral behavior and explain your admiration
(03:49):
for that. But most of all, model the morals, values,
and behaviors that you want your child to exhibit. Explain that,
in both your work and in making difficult day to
day decisions, you've had to make sacrifices sometimes to do
the right thing instead of always getting what you want.
(04:14):
Talk about why it's important to be kind instead of
mean or cruel, irrespective of the circumstances. And discuss why
it's more important to admit when you are wrong rather
than lying or cheating to get your way. Childhood is
the time when moral compasses are formed, and it is
(04:38):
much harder to change later on. Parents. Jobs are harder
when the leaders of the country are behaving badly, but
with awareness and persistence, moms and dads can lay the
groundwork to overcome today's political incivility. So with that, let's
(04:58):
get to my listener's question and ask, how can I help,
dear Doctor Saults. My seventh grader has been increasingly snippy
with me. Actually it's not just me. I hear him
being sarcastic and rude to other people. Sometimes it's his friends,
(05:21):
but I even heard him do it in a store
to the person helping us, and I was completely embarrassed.
I've taught him to say please and thank you and
to have general manners, but this is more a matter
of rudeness, of sounding snotty and even mean at times
to others. I know that he's become a teenager, and
(05:44):
so maybe this is just how it goes on the
one hand, but on the other hand, I really don't
like it, and it seems to me it will insult
other people and even get him in trouble. But I'm
not sure how to help him to stop it. Can
you help me? You are correct, it will put at
(06:08):
least some other people off, and it is likely to
get him in trouble or at least hurt him in
the future. In certain ways, but perhaps more importantly, it's
not understanding that the way you relate to others in
the world is one of the most important things in
your life, and the path of relating that he is
(06:30):
starting to walk is doomed to hurt other people in
addition to himself, and therefore it is wrong. It sounds
like you do need to sit down and have this
very conversation with him that you love him, but you
don't like his behavior and it is hurtful and insensitive,
(06:52):
and it genuinely makes you feel bad when he is
nasty to you, as it likely does with anyone else
that he does it too, which will make them in
the long run not want to be around him. It's
best when discussing problem behavior to choose a time when
you are not angry, when it hasn't just happened, to
(07:15):
wait until you have a few very specific examples of
what you mean and how they made you feel exactly.
When having such a discussion, do not throw in anything
else that may be bothering you or that you would
like him to change. Stick only to this behavior. It
(07:37):
is our tendencies when arguing to throw in everything, the
baby and the bath water, and thereby dilute our message.
More importantly, you hope to help him understand why he
is doing this and why it's not a good idea.
So it may be important to ask him if he
(07:59):
is an if he is intending to be hurtful, if
he is trying to show disrespect, and if so, why
there may be issues going on you're unaware of and
it's coming out this way. It is important to listen
what may be making him angry and be willing yourself
(08:22):
to make some compromises which may allow him to stop
expressing his anger in this more passive, aggressive way. It
may also teach him to be aware of his own
negative feelings and how he can express those in a
more direct and healthy way in order to resolve them.
(08:44):
By doing so, you will be giving him an e
valuable tool. It is worth addressing that you see a
lot of bad behavior in public figures and leaders and celebrities,
perhaps peers or even neighbors, but that this does not
mean that it makes it a great example of how
(09:05):
to behave, that two wrongs don't make a right, that
there are better and more direct ways to express himself
that won't hurt others and push other people away. That
being a moral person, a kind person, and an empathetic
person matters greatly, especially to you. Then make sure you
(09:29):
are modeling the way you hope he will act with
your own behavior. You cannot say do as I say,
but not as I do. Of course, everyone slips up sometimes,
but when you do, say you're sorry, or expect an
apology from him if he does that as well. More importantly,
(09:53):
make clear how much you value and respect civil discourse
and how little ard you have for rudeness. How can
I help with Dr Gail Salts will be back after
the short break. I hope that was helpful. The more
(10:21):
society grows, the harder it makes it to hold onto
teaching your child politeness. But it is a job, no
matter how tough, worth doing for their future and for
society's future. Specifically, keep in mind that manners do matter.
(10:43):
A majority of civility is politeness. Teaching your child to
use manners does not mean you're teaching your child to
be a pushover. Rather, manners will help your child politely
engage in civil discourse. The difference between a civil lies
debate and an uncivilized debate comes down to manners. So
(11:05):
please and thank you do go a long way in
making others feel seen and hurt. Show acceptance. Children need
to learn that acceptance is essential to one's humanity. You
must teach your child to accept those who are different
from themselves. By showing respect for other cultures and being
(11:26):
sensitive to stereotypes, you can show acceptance yourself. Talking about
this concept also allows you to discuss bullying. You can
use this conversation to both encourage your child not only
to not be a bully themselves, but to stand up
for others who are being bullied, because we know that
(11:48):
when bystanders stand up, it definitely decreases bullying, and it's
helpful to you specific examples of people who are bottling
civil behavior, you can point it out to your children
and discuss it. It might seem easier to point out
people who are being uncivil or rude, but actually children
(12:10):
learn more from positive civil examples. So when you see
something positive, say something. If you see an example of
good sportsmanship, make a point of acknowledging it. Also, you
want to make sure that you're really listening, listening to
your kids and teaching them how to be good listeners
(12:31):
as well, because in order to be civil, you have
to listen to other people, you have to listen to
what someone else says before you judge it or before
you speak up. So when you model this, you're showing
your value that their thoughts and opinions matter. It's also
(12:52):
important for parents to listen to their children. Generally, you
will learn more about how to parent them, and your
child will learn how to listen to you and make
sure to apologize when needed. Nobody is perfect. We all
do make mistakes, but apologies can leave an impression on
(13:13):
our children, So our own apologies not only show that
we messed up, but they show we care about the
other person's feelings. And along this line, you should practice
apologizing when you know someone else is hurting, sometimes even
if you're not the direct cause, but simply sorry that
(13:34):
they are having a difficult time. And important to encourage
empathy and teach what empathy is to your children that
it's literally trying to stand in the other person's shoes.
When we think about the feelings of others, we are
encouraging that give them opportunities to talk about how other
(13:56):
people might be feeling. Talk about things you see happening,
and then ask them what they imagine the other person
might be feeling. Encourage your children to practice empathy, and
of course, most importantly, practice what you preach. You can't
tell a child to be civil, it's just a lecture.
(14:19):
You have to do it yourself. So modeling self control
instead of aggressive outbursts in the heat of the moment
shows them that it can be done and that you
hope they will do it too. Watch the words you
use and watch the actions you take. While it seems
(14:39):
like at large the world is becoming less and less civil,
the next generation is actually more giving and more serving
than previous generations. So if we teach our children to
handle disagreements with grace, then they have the capacity to
do remarkable things. Do you have a problem I can
(15:02):
help with? If so, email me yet. How can I help?
At Seneca women dot Com, all centers remain anonymous and
listen every Friday too. How can I help with me?
Doctor Gale's Salts
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to How Can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Have you noticed an
uptick in kids insulting one another, denying the truth of
what you've told them? As their parents, we're saying whatever
they want to be true as though it were the truth.
Are you concerned that your child seems to increasingly speak
(00:49):
in sound bites that are sarcastic or even aggressive. Unfortunately,
today's political climate of division, marked by shouting down the
other side, by denials of truth and creating an alternate
reality to suit one's preferred world view, as well as
increasingly aggressive and sometimes even violent rhetoric and imagery, is
(01:15):
likely taking a toll on children's minds and behavior. So
today I'm answering a listener's question about struggling with her
child's rude behavior. Kids look to parents behavior to determine
how they themselves should behave. They also look to parental
(01:36):
standings or role models for cues as to how to
view the world, what morals to uphold, and behaviors that
follow suit. The current political climate of incivility in the
United States is captured not only in news coverage, but
on full display in social media, a realm which many
(01:59):
children have ready access to through smartphones and other devices.
What kids and their parents are seeing is nothing short
of a daily barrage of bad behavior that includes everything
from bullying and insulting others, to refusal to compromise, attempts
(02:21):
to cheat and lie, and very often political leader showing
a complete and utter lack of empathy for others. It's
no small wonder the kids are echoing this behavior at
home and in school. It takes effort and nuance to
steer your kids away from incorporating these warped values and
(02:44):
morals and this type of behavior into their daily routine.
So don't try to fight fire with fire. Rather than
fending off a politicians modeling with a similarly vulgar offensive,
make observations about their handling of this issue, aside from
(03:05):
the issue itself, and how you would hope to do
things differently. For example, you might tell your child that
you wish the politician had been more honest in making
his or her case, or you might discuss how you
value truth above being right. Or if a politician is
(03:28):
publicly bullying or insulting an opponent, you might tell your child,
I think saying something that hurtful is wrong and beneath
that person's important position. Give examples of past leaders who
accomplish things with more moral behavior and explain your admiration
(03:49):
for that. But most of all, model the morals, values,
and behaviors that you want your child to exhibit. Explain that,
in both your work and in making difficult day to
day decisions, you've had to make sacrifices sometimes to do
the right thing instead of always getting what you want.
(04:14):
Talk about why it's important to be kind instead of
mean or cruel, irrespective of the circumstances. And discuss why
it's more important to admit when you are wrong rather
than lying or cheating to get your way. Childhood is
the time when moral compasses are formed, and it is
(04:38):
much harder to change later on. Parents. Jobs are harder
when the leaders of the country are behaving badly, but
with awareness and persistence, moms and dads can lay the
groundwork to overcome today's political incivility. So with that, let's
(04:58):
get to my listener's question and ask, how can I help,
dear Doctor Saults. My seventh grader has been increasingly snippy
with me. Actually it's not just me. I hear him
being sarcastic and rude to other people. Sometimes it's his friends,
(05:21):
but I even heard him do it in a store
to the person helping us, and I was completely embarrassed.
I've taught him to say please and thank you and
to have general manners, but this is more a matter
of rudeness, of sounding snotty and even mean at times
to others. I know that he's become a teenager, and
(05:44):
so maybe this is just how it goes on the
one hand, but on the other hand, I really don't
like it, and it seems to me it will insult
other people and even get him in trouble. But I'm
not sure how to help him to stop it. Can
you help me? You are correct, it will put at
(06:08):
least some other people off, and it is likely to
get him in trouble or at least hurt him in
the future. In certain ways, but perhaps more importantly, it's
not understanding that the way you relate to others in
the world is one of the most important things in
your life, and the path of relating that he is
(06:30):
starting to walk is doomed to hurt other people in
addition to himself, and therefore it is wrong. It sounds
like you do need to sit down and have this
very conversation with him that you love him, but you
don't like his behavior and it is hurtful and insensitive,
(06:52):
and it genuinely makes you feel bad when he is
nasty to you, as it likely does with anyone else
that he does it too, which will make them in
the long run not want to be around him. It's
best when discussing problem behavior to choose a time when
you are not angry, when it hasn't just happened, to
(07:15):
wait until you have a few very specific examples of
what you mean and how they made you feel exactly.
When having such a discussion, do not throw in anything
else that may be bothering you or that you would
like him to change. Stick only to this behavior. It
(07:37):
is our tendencies when arguing to throw in everything, the
baby and the bath water, and thereby dilute our message.
More importantly, you hope to help him understand why he
is doing this and why it's not a good idea.
So it may be important to ask him if he
(07:59):
is an if he is intending to be hurtful, if
he is trying to show disrespect, and if so, why
there may be issues going on you're unaware of and
it's coming out this way. It is important to listen
what may be making him angry and be willing yourself
(08:22):
to make some compromises which may allow him to stop
expressing his anger in this more passive, aggressive way. It
may also teach him to be aware of his own
negative feelings and how he can express those in a
more direct and healthy way in order to resolve them.
(08:44):
By doing so, you will be giving him an e
valuable tool. It is worth addressing that you see a
lot of bad behavior in public figures and leaders and celebrities,
perhaps peers or even neighbors, but that this does not
mean that it makes it a great example of how
(09:05):
to behave, that two wrongs don't make a right, that
there are better and more direct ways to express himself
that won't hurt others and push other people away. That
being a moral person, a kind person, and an empathetic
person matters greatly, especially to you. Then make sure you
(09:29):
are modeling the way you hope he will act with
your own behavior. You cannot say do as I say,
but not as I do. Of course, everyone slips up sometimes,
but when you do, say you're sorry, or expect an
apology from him if he does that as well. More importantly,
(09:53):
make clear how much you value and respect civil discourse
and how little ard you have for rudeness. How can
I help with Dr Gail Salts will be back after
the short break. I hope that was helpful. The more
(10:21):
society grows, the harder it makes it to hold onto
teaching your child politeness. But it is a job, no
matter how tough, worth doing for their future and for
society's future. Specifically, keep in mind that manners do matter.
(10:43):
A majority of civility is politeness. Teaching your child to
use manners does not mean you're teaching your child to
be a pushover. Rather, manners will help your child politely
engage in civil discourse. The difference between a civil lies
debate and an uncivilized debate comes down to manners. So
(11:05):
please and thank you do go a long way in
making others feel seen and hurt. Show acceptance. Children need
to learn that acceptance is essential to one's humanity. You
must teach your child to accept those who are different
from themselves. By showing respect for other cultures and being
(11:26):
sensitive to stereotypes, you can show acceptance yourself. Talking about
this concept also allows you to discuss bullying. You can
use this conversation to both encourage your child not only
to not be a bully themselves, but to stand up
for others who are being bullied, because we know that
(11:48):
when bystanders stand up, it definitely decreases bullying, and it's
helpful to you specific examples of people who are bottling
civil behavior, you can point it out to your children
and discuss it. It might seem easier to point out
people who are being uncivil or rude, but actually children
(12:10):
learn more from positive civil examples. So when you see
something positive, say something. If you see an example of
good sportsmanship, make a point of acknowledging it. Also, you
want to make sure that you're really listening, listening to
your kids and teaching them how to be good listeners
(12:31):
as well, because in order to be civil, you have
to listen to other people, you have to listen to
what someone else says before you judge it or before
you speak up. So when you model this, you're showing
your value that their thoughts and opinions matter. It's also
(12:52):
important for parents to listen to their children. Generally, you
will learn more about how to parent them, and your
child will learn how to listen to you and make
sure to apologize when needed. Nobody is perfect. We all
do make mistakes, but apologies can leave an impression on
(13:13):
our children, So our own apologies not only show that
we messed up, but they show we care about the
other person's feelings. And along this line, you should practice
apologizing when you know someone else is hurting, sometimes even
if you're not the direct cause, but simply sorry that
(13:34):
they are having a difficult time. And important to encourage
empathy and teach what empathy is to your children that
it's literally trying to stand in the other person's shoes.
When we think about the feelings of others, we are
encouraging that give them opportunities to talk about how other
(13:56):
people might be feeling. Talk about things you see happening,
and then ask them what they imagine the other person
might be feeling. Encourage your children to practice empathy, and
of course, most importantly, practice what you preach. You can't
tell a child to be civil, it's just a lecture.
(14:19):
You have to do it yourself. So modeling self control
instead of aggressive outbursts in the heat of the moment
shows them that it can be done and that you
hope they will do it too. Watch the words you
use and watch the actions you take. While it seems
(14:39):
like at large the world is becoming less and less civil,
the next generation is actually more giving and more serving
than previous generations. So if we teach our children to
handle disagreements with grace, then they have the capacity to
do remarkable things. Do you have a problem I can
(15:02):
help with? If so, email me yet. How can I help?
At Seneca women dot Com, all centers remain anonymous and
listen every Friday too. How can I help with me?
Doctor Gale's Salts
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