November 12, 2021 • 14 mins
You're never too old to feel competitive with a sibling—and those emotions get even more intense during the holidays. But there's no reason to ruin the festivities with squabbles that replay your childhood. Dr. Saltz reveals how to have win-win celebrations in which everyone goes home happy.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I help? I'm Dr
Gayl Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Look, everyone, I baked
twenty five varieties of cookies, so what I hand wove
the place mats for the table? Our holiday is relaxing.
(00:47):
If you'll find the holidays incredibly stressful and work intensive,
one reason may be the natural tendency to compete with
your siblings, enhanced when your whole family comes together. So
today I'm answering a question from a woman who is
struggling with the sibling over aspects of the holiday. You
(01:10):
may think, but didn't I grow out of that when
I turned eighteen? The truth is that a little bit
of your sibling rivalry remains inside you, no matter how
many years have passed its childhood, and it can still
drive you to compete in all kinds of rather destructive ways.
(01:33):
We all still want our parents to admire us and
feel we are special. We may even secretly wish that
we are their favorite. When the holidays come, the time
filled with childhood memories, and your parents come to town,
(01:53):
you may find yourself needing to be the Martha Steward
of Thanksgiving. Without even realizing it. You may be putting
tremendous pressure on yourself to cook up a storm, to
make everything gorgeous, buying fantastic gifts, and all without much enjoyment,
(02:16):
because it's really about winning favored status and perhaps out
doing your sister. It's a lose lose situation because you
will either feel furious if you don't get all the kudos,
or you will feel triumphant and make your siblings feel terrible.
(02:37):
If your parent does compare the two of you and
find your sister wanting, this will only drive a wedge
in your relationship, which otherwise could be a valuable source
of joy for both of you. It's important to remember
that your siblings will always be attached to you in
(03:00):
a way that friends and even your parents will not
be around forever well not. Sibling relationships can be a
great source of support, friendship, and pleasure if you don't
let competing get in your way. Stressful situations and the
(03:22):
holidays do count really do for many increase the rivalry.
So with that, let's turn to my listeners question and
see how can I help, dear doctor Saltz. My sister
and I have a pretty good relationship except when during
(03:46):
the holidays she wants to do it big and elaborate
and showy. She likes to wow my parents and the
extended family and actually my parents do you compliment her
a lot as she pulls out all the stops. I
love my sister, but this this makes me feel bad,
(04:11):
as though I'm the underachiever, which really generally is not
the case. This has been a heck of a year
and I'd just be happy to get together without a
lot of extras and hooplah, without spending a lot of
money and feeling by comparison with my parents that I'm
(04:34):
not the good one or I'm not able in the
holiday making department. I don't know if I can tell
her this, if I'm being too touchy, and whether she
will just be insulted and do it anyway. What do
you think? How can I handle this situation so I
(04:55):
don't end up feeling unhappy in the holiday Holidays do
have a way of bringing everyone psychologically back to an
earlier time, to the time of your family of origins,
holidays which can reignite old patterns of feeling and behaving.
(05:18):
Sometimes those are happy memories, but sometimes they can be
painful ones. It's very common to have competitive feelings with
the sibling, even if you like them and have a
good relationship with them. Those feelings, which you may have
(05:39):
mostly put behind you can arise, especially in front of
parents who unwittingly set up an old dynamic of comparing
the two of you without anyone having malice. It can
stir up the old competition and it's easy for everyone
(06:02):
to fall into the old pattern. It's true that at
the holiday time, old memories of the family can be
very enjoyable. That's part of tradition, and childhood memories can
be very magical, and that gets repeated when you all
come together in a nice way. But this flip side
(06:27):
of setting up the competition as it was when you
were younger can also occur. Your sister at some level
may enjoy feeling triumphant and not be consciously aware that
it's hurting you. Your parents may make statements of pleasure
(06:47):
and pride in your sister, but with no intention of
in any way finding you lacking, and because of the
repetition of these memories, as I said, you may be
sensitive to their admiration of anything your sister does. If
in the past this made you feel less than being
(07:12):
aware of the old dynamic and how little it reflects
the realities of today, would be a big step towards
actually feeling less bothered by her production and your parents
reaction to it. How can I help with Doctor Gale
Salts will be back after the short break. You can
(07:46):
appreciate that your sister might really enjoy making everything elaborate.
She actually might enjoy your parents taking note without either
your sister or your parents intending to be gutting you
down you're feeling crummy, may, however, be a clue that
(08:07):
you two would enjoy showing your stuff and getting some kudos.
This would also be fine to be doing without it
being a competition with your sister. You may feel you're
not doing it to some degree so as not to compete,
but you can tell her that you'd like to do
(08:29):
something special you feel good at. Maybe it's a dish
or two that you make that you like and feel
proud about. Maybe it's a decoration you bring, or an
idea of going around the table and some thoughtful reflection
that you lead. Sometimes when one feels competitive, a person
(08:54):
can be afraid of doing their own thing for fear
of being competitive and worse yet, competing and losing. But
try reframing this for yourself as a case of independent
tasks you can enjoy, stretch yourself in and feel like
(09:15):
the feedback you get more of a competition with yourself
And am I happy with the pie I made? Can
I come up with a more satisfying recipe? You can
certainly tell your sister that while you appreciate all she
does to make things special, you'd enjoy getting in on
(09:39):
some of that special. It would give you pleasure, just
like it gives her pleasure. Your ideas might not be
exactly the same of what special would be, but that's okay.
Explaining you are looking for homie, not break the bank,
special things to do. Maybe some thing reminiscent of your
(10:01):
growing up or a new tradition you could start will
help her to know where you're coming from as opposed
to just doing it with no discussion, and she could
misinterpret as you're taking over what she has traditionally done.
The point is being able to talk to her ahead
(10:24):
express appreciation while asking if you two can take part
in the part of nice holiday making. Can you team up?
Can you share in the basque and glow of niceties
that your parents bestow? Can you be the dynamic duo?
(10:45):
Putting it that way, being inclusive two heads are better
than one, or at least more loving than one, is
a way to not upset but rather express a desire
to do things with her. And nothing pleasures most parents
more than seeing their children do something happy together, no
(11:08):
matter how old they are, to be a team, to
love and support one another, because it makes even more
of a family holiday. I hope that was helpful. When
it comes to adult sibling rivalry. Here are a few
things to keep in mind. Reevaluate your old roles. By this,
(11:35):
I mean that as children, you each tend to have
a view of your role and that of each of
your siblings. When we grow up, of course, we change,
but maybe your view of yourself visa be your sister
or brother has not changed. For instance, you are the
(11:56):
decision maker or the caretaker, and he has the baby
and dependent yet incompetent one. But if you keep treating
him like the baby, it will be frustrating for both
of you. So we consider who each of you have
grown into. Speak in eyes, not use. When you say
(12:21):
you never help out or you don't know how much
work this took. It sounds attacking and it will put
your sibling on the defensive. So try if you want
to talk about this stuff, things like I would love
you to help me with this, or I sure did
(12:41):
put a lot of effort into this. Using the eye
and how you feel as opposed to you, and an
accusation always lets the conversation flow more easily. Be able
to say I'm sorry or I forgive you. Without both,
(13:04):
you can't move forward with disagreements. Think before you act
or speak. Take a beat. Remember once the deed is done,
Once you've said the thing that's hurtful, it really starts
the ball rolling. So try to consider both sides and
(13:25):
what is to be gained by actually acting or saying something.
Cool down for a minute, be able to think it
through and you'll be able to behave more constructively, and lastly,
be prepared to negotiate. Being willing to give a little
(13:46):
shows your sibling. You value the relationship and it's really
worth it to try. Do you have a problem I
can help with? If so, email me at how can
I help? At Seneca Women dot com. All centers remain
anonymous and listen every Friday too. How can I help
(14:08):
with me? Doctor Gale's Salts
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I help? I'm Dr
Gayl Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Look, everyone, I baked
twenty five varieties of cookies, so what I hand wove
the place mats for the table? Our holiday is relaxing.
(00:47):
If you'll find the holidays incredibly stressful and work intensive,
one reason may be the natural tendency to compete with
your siblings, enhanced when your whole family comes together. So
today I'm answering a question from a woman who is
struggling with the sibling over aspects of the holiday. You
(01:10):
may think, but didn't I grow out of that when
I turned eighteen? The truth is that a little bit
of your sibling rivalry remains inside you, no matter how
many years have passed its childhood, and it can still
drive you to compete in all kinds of rather destructive ways.
(01:33):
We all still want our parents to admire us and
feel we are special. We may even secretly wish that
we are their favorite. When the holidays come, the time
filled with childhood memories, and your parents come to town,
(01:53):
you may find yourself needing to be the Martha Steward
of Thanksgiving. Without even realizing it. You may be putting
tremendous pressure on yourself to cook up a storm, to
make everything gorgeous, buying fantastic gifts, and all without much enjoyment,
(02:16):
because it's really about winning favored status and perhaps out
doing your sister. It's a lose lose situation because you
will either feel furious if you don't get all the kudos,
or you will feel triumphant and make your siblings feel terrible.
(02:37):
If your parent does compare the two of you and
find your sister wanting, this will only drive a wedge
in your relationship, which otherwise could be a valuable source
of joy for both of you. It's important to remember
that your siblings will always be attached to you in
(03:00):
a way that friends and even your parents will not
be around forever well not. Sibling relationships can be a
great source of support, friendship, and pleasure if you don't
let competing get in your way. Stressful situations and the
(03:22):
holidays do count really do for many increase the rivalry.
So with that, let's turn to my listeners question and
see how can I help, dear doctor Saltz. My sister
and I have a pretty good relationship except when during
(03:46):
the holidays she wants to do it big and elaborate
and showy. She likes to wow my parents and the
extended family and actually my parents do you compliment her
a lot as she pulls out all the stops. I
love my sister, but this this makes me feel bad,
(04:11):
as though I'm the underachiever, which really generally is not
the case. This has been a heck of a year
and I'd just be happy to get together without a
lot of extras and hooplah, without spending a lot of
money and feeling by comparison with my parents that I'm
(04:34):
not the good one or I'm not able in the
holiday making department. I don't know if I can tell
her this, if I'm being too touchy, and whether she
will just be insulted and do it anyway. What do
you think? How can I handle this situation so I
(04:55):
don't end up feeling unhappy in the holiday Holidays do
have a way of bringing everyone psychologically back to an
earlier time, to the time of your family of origins,
holidays which can reignite old patterns of feeling and behaving.
(05:18):
Sometimes those are happy memories, but sometimes they can be
painful ones. It's very common to have competitive feelings with
the sibling, even if you like them and have a
good relationship with them. Those feelings, which you may have
(05:39):
mostly put behind you can arise, especially in front of
parents who unwittingly set up an old dynamic of comparing
the two of you without anyone having malice. It can
stir up the old competition and it's easy for everyone
(06:02):
to fall into the old pattern. It's true that at
the holiday time, old memories of the family can be
very enjoyable. That's part of tradition, and childhood memories can
be very magical, and that gets repeated when you all
come together in a nice way. But this flip side
(06:27):
of setting up the competition as it was when you
were younger can also occur. Your sister at some level
may enjoy feeling triumphant and not be consciously aware that
it's hurting you. Your parents may make statements of pleasure
(06:47):
and pride in your sister, but with no intention of
in any way finding you lacking, and because of the
repetition of these memories, as I said, you may be
sensitive to their admiration of anything your sister does. If
in the past this made you feel less than being
(07:12):
aware of the old dynamic and how little it reflects
the realities of today, would be a big step towards
actually feeling less bothered by her production and your parents
reaction to it. How can I help with Doctor Gale
Salts will be back after the short break. You can
(07:46):
appreciate that your sister might really enjoy making everything elaborate.
She actually might enjoy your parents taking note without either
your sister or your parents intending to be gutting you
down you're feeling crummy, may, however, be a clue that
(08:07):
you two would enjoy showing your stuff and getting some kudos.
This would also be fine to be doing without it
being a competition with your sister. You may feel you're
not doing it to some degree so as not to compete,
but you can tell her that you'd like to do
(08:29):
something special you feel good at. Maybe it's a dish
or two that you make that you like and feel
proud about. Maybe it's a decoration you bring, or an
idea of going around the table and some thoughtful reflection
that you lead. Sometimes when one feels competitive, a person
(08:54):
can be afraid of doing their own thing for fear
of being competitive and worse yet, competing and losing. But
try reframing this for yourself as a case of independent
tasks you can enjoy, stretch yourself in and feel like
(09:15):
the feedback you get more of a competition with yourself
And am I happy with the pie I made? Can
I come up with a more satisfying recipe? You can
certainly tell your sister that while you appreciate all she
does to make things special, you'd enjoy getting in on
(09:39):
some of that special. It would give you pleasure, just
like it gives her pleasure. Your ideas might not be
exactly the same of what special would be, but that's okay.
Explaining you are looking for homie, not break the bank,
special things to do. Maybe some thing reminiscent of your
(10:01):
growing up or a new tradition you could start will
help her to know where you're coming from as opposed
to just doing it with no discussion, and she could
misinterpret as you're taking over what she has traditionally done.
The point is being able to talk to her ahead
(10:24):
express appreciation while asking if you two can take part
in the part of nice holiday making. Can you team up?
Can you share in the basque and glow of niceties
that your parents bestow? Can you be the dynamic duo?
(10:45):
Putting it that way, being inclusive two heads are better
than one, or at least more loving than one, is
a way to not upset but rather express a desire
to do things with her. And nothing pleasures most parents
more than seeing their children do something happy together, no
(11:08):
matter how old they are, to be a team, to
love and support one another, because it makes even more
of a family holiday. I hope that was helpful. When
it comes to adult sibling rivalry. Here are a few
things to keep in mind. Reevaluate your old roles. By this,
(11:35):
I mean that as children, you each tend to have
a view of your role and that of each of
your siblings. When we grow up, of course, we change,
but maybe your view of yourself visa be your sister
or brother has not changed. For instance, you are the
(11:56):
decision maker or the caretaker, and he has the baby
and dependent yet incompetent one. But if you keep treating
him like the baby, it will be frustrating for both
of you. So we consider who each of you have
grown into. Speak in eyes, not use. When you say
(12:21):
you never help out or you don't know how much
work this took. It sounds attacking and it will put
your sibling on the defensive. So try if you want
to talk about this stuff, things like I would love
you to help me with this, or I sure did
(12:41):
put a lot of effort into this. Using the eye
and how you feel as opposed to you, and an
accusation always lets the conversation flow more easily. Be able
to say I'm sorry or I forgive you. Without both,
(13:04):
you can't move forward with disagreements. Think before you act
or speak. Take a beat. Remember once the deed is done,
Once you've said the thing that's hurtful, it really starts
the ball rolling. So try to consider both sides and
(13:25):
what is to be gained by actually acting or saying something.
Cool down for a minute, be able to think it
through and you'll be able to behave more constructively, and lastly,
be prepared to negotiate. Being willing to give a little
(13:46):
shows your sibling. You value the relationship and it's really
worth it to try. Do you have a problem I
can help with? If so, email me at how can
I help? At Seneca Women dot com. All centers remain
anonymous and listen every Friday too. How can I help
(14:08):
with me? Doctor Gale's Salts
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