June 4, 2021 • 28 mins
Dr. Saltz answers more questions about listeners’ sex lives with the help of special guest Ian Kerner, psychotherapist and nationally recognized sexuality counselor. Today’s topics include returning to a more-normal sex life after the pandemic, honesty in the bedroom, and how to ask your partner for what you want.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to How Can I Help? I'm Dr GAYL. Saltz.
I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the New
York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author, and
I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Today we're going to
tackle some questions that are about sex. And I thought
it would be really helpful to have a guest with
me today who is a very well known sex therapist,
(00:46):
and I thought it would add a lot of dimension
to the information. My guest today is Ian Kerner, a
psychotherapist and nationally recognized sexuality counselor who specializes in sex
therapy and couples therapy. He's the author of the huge
bestseller She Comes First, The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring
(01:07):
a Woman, and now he has a new book out.
So tell me about the last time you had sex.
Laying there and learning to repair our love lives. And
I am super excited to have you here because well,
we've done a number of things in the past together
about relationships and sexual issues and you're the man as
(01:29):
far as I'm concerned. Yeah, when when it comes to
sex therapists and communicating this kind of information to people,
which can be hard for people to even ask about,
let her alone, UM really engage in a conversation about.
So we did get some questions today which I definitely
want to hit there are about the sexual part of relationships,
and I'm glad that people feel people can ask anonymously
(01:51):
here so people do feel comfortable writing in with their
questions about sexual issues. I have definitely been hearing from
people that in this lockdown situation there high irritability. They're
being very very stressed and highly irritable and often yes
being locked down with their children all the time, which
is you know, very very stressful. UM was making it,
(02:13):
you know, it was basically crushing their libido that they
just felt so grouchy and so stressed out, UM, and
so anxious so much of the time that the idea
of getting in the mood or being approached was was
really being squashed, which then in turn scared them because
they're they're with their partner and this is the person
(02:34):
that actually they kind of want to turn to for comfort.
But they had these let's say, ambivalent feelings. On the
one hand, I want you to comfort me on the
other hand, like don't don't talk to me about sexy time. Yeah,
I agree. I mean there's been so much irritability and
just just anger and defensive emotions, and that that really
(02:56):
gets in the way of kind of the vulnerability of X.
You know. I think the ironic or sad thing about
all of this is that sex can be such a
boost of positivity to a relationship and could really help
alleviate so much of that stress and anger and frustration.
I mean sex. Really, studies have shown the couples who
even have healthy sex once a week have much higher
(03:19):
levels of relationship positivity than couples who don't. And it's
not about two, three, four or five times a week,
you know. So I've really been focused lately as we're
coming in in COVID one ft in, one foot out
sort of on new rituals, and I think setting up
like a ritual around sex is really important because we
(03:40):
need that positivity. So I'm going to ask you about
what you give me an example of a ritual. But
before we do that, um dating during this pantemic time
and being intimate with new people has been particularly challenging,
really hearing from from twenty some things and thirty some
(04:02):
things who have been you know, fearful of being with
a new person, right and and and contagion understandably. So now,
of course people are getting vaccinated, but still half the
population is not vaccinated. Do you have thoughts for people
who are single? Have you been singing single people and
they want to find a new partner in terms of intimacy?
(04:25):
H Well, I'm not. I don't work as much with
singles anymore as as I used to, Gal, but I
do know from you know, a lot of my single
patients who I was seeing, um, some of who were
having sexual problems at the time or or dating problems.
I know that for a lot of them, uh, their
dating lives just completely shut down, like just you know,
(04:45):
went into suspended animation, especially for people who are on
the extremely cautious side of things. And so you know,
some people were able to do zoom dates and things
like that. Um, some people actually did get inventive and
creative and they would go on dates, but they'd sort
of be walks or side by side dates, or they'd
(05:07):
actually find that there was a lot of eroticism from
not jumping into bed and not having sex. You know,
I think a lot of young people today, especially with
the apps, are sort of sex is available and there's
some pressure to have sex. So in some ways it
did allow them to appreciate other aspects of eroticism. So
I just hope that continues. You know. I think that
(05:28):
this is a great time to be, uh, to be cautious,
but I don't think you have to be overly cautious.
You don't want to take risks, you know. So, UM,
I think it's a great time to uh to start
getting out there again and start getting into the dating habits,
but maybe be more mindful, maybe being more appreciative of
everything that you've learned in this time and uh, you know,
(05:50):
um find new ways of connecting or appreciate new ways
of connecting. So let's get to it and see how
can we help. Dear doctor Saltz. I know it's not
very feminist of me, but I often find myself baking orgasms.
(06:10):
Sometimes it just feels easier than trying to walk my
partner through my own needs. Do you have any advice
how to ask for what I want? Why do I
feel the need to fake an orgasm if I don't
finish well. I mean, it's an interesting question first, like,
you know, why do um, why do women uh you know,
(06:30):
fake orgasms, although men do, but not nearly to the
same extent. Of course, you could say, oh, I don't
want to hurt his feelings, or I'm not enjoying this
and I want to bring it to an end. I
often find though, that there's another layer that doesn't get
talked about as much as which is if I'm not
having an orgasm, then maybe I'm broken or maybe something's
(06:54):
wrong with me, and I don't want to share or
make myself vulnerable, you know. And so so I think
that there's a real there's a real conversation, and there's
a real vulnerability there. And I'm a little bummed that
this person doesn't want to really teach their partner or
talk about this to their partner, because you know, sex
(07:17):
is like a dance, and most of us don't arrive
knowing the steps and how to do it dance, you know.
I think it's this idea that everything should just be
uh natural, um, you know, and spontaneous, and and it's
one of the reasons I wrote this book is because
Not only do I want people to rewrite their own
sex scripts, I want them to challenge the larger cultural
(07:40):
scripts around sex that they've internalized. I always have to
have an orgasm, you know, from from intercourse, right, or
sex should just be spontaneous, you know. I want to
challenge all of those notions. So I hope that this
person we'll have a conversation, you know, with their partner,
and will I feel broken, but can come from it
(08:02):
from a place of strength and wanting to make sex
better and take the time, if they really care about
each other, to invest in learning how to dance with
each other. So if she has been faking it, how
does she go back in and say, oh, hey, actually faster,
(08:22):
slower to the right, to the left. That's not working
for me. I can't do it with intercourse. I need this,
I need to go down on me. How does she
How does she have that? I mean, because she's got
to kind of back up now from from something that's
been How would you suggest to do that? Right? Well,
first of all, what I would say is, even without
faking it, people sexuality changes over the life cycle. And
(08:45):
who says that what worked yesterday absolutely has to work
today or who says that, you know, maybe yesterday there
were less stressors and today there are new stressors, and
so we need to do this, um, you know, in
a differferent way. Um. The thing that I would also say,
going back to uh fantasy again is, um, you know,
(09:07):
clearly this person doesn't want to teach their partners or
has identified a problem. Well, let's identify the solution. Um,
what is the solution to this person not faking it?
I really don't know much about them. Is it getting
more stimulation, is it reducing stress? Is it's something that
(09:27):
their partners rough or something. I don't know what the
problem is, but what is the solution to it? Let's
just say the solution is way more for play. Okay,
So now you're not criticizing with a problem, You're talking
about a solution. And why not secks it up again?
Why not say, you know, I really had this terrific
hot day dream and we were kind of we were
(09:49):
kissing again, you know, and I was remembering like how
hot it was in the beginning when we were just kissing,
and I kind of missed that right Like then you
might start to yet what you're missing. So it's it's
it's really about again suggesting things that do turn you
on and um and sharing it with your partner as
(10:10):
a bonus for them. What you can hear in the
threat of questions is people being afraid, understandably of criticizing
their partner and and losing them in that sense. But
if you're you're basically suggested bringing them with you by saying, hey,
I'm this turns me on and I want to do
it with you, right. You know, it's funny like people
(10:32):
are there so shy about talking, and yet they will
have arguments and talk and put their needs out there
and every other aspect of like where are we going
to live, what are we going to do this weekend?
Let's roll, We're gonna let's go, Let's get into the
boxing ring and fight this out. But when it comes
to sex, all of a sudden, you know, we don't
want to bruise each other's feelings, And you know, it
(10:53):
says a lot about how we live in a culture
where we don't, you know, learn how to talk about sex.
But I would say, like, you need a little bit
of a thicker skin, you need a little bit of
a resilience, you need to be able to go in
there and talk about and and still in a loving, proactive,
supportive way about what you need out of the relationship
and sex is worth it for this woman who's having
(11:15):
difficulty reaching orgasm during whatever it is for play or
during intercourse. You know you also, I mean, I hear
from a lot of women who really don't like the
idea of being very directive verbally directive. They find that
it's sort of it messes with their arousal for them.
But one can be physically directive. One does not have
(11:35):
to One can just move someone's head around or hand around,
or you know, pace them or whatever, and you can
show your partner what you need or what is what
is necessary for you. Yeah, it's true. We don't want
to give instructions during sex because it really takes us
out of the moment. It's not that the instructions are bad,
it's that they just don't allow us to, like, you know,
(11:58):
relax and get absorbed. So part of the trick of
good sex is guiding each other and staying in the
flow of pleasure. It's like if I'm driving and there's
a detour or there's like a roadwalk, I'm not going
to abandon the trip. I may slow down, i may
stop or take a left or look around, but I'm
(12:18):
staying in the flow of the trip, you know. So
you've got to work on staying in the flow of pleasure.
And I think a little physical direction um is great.
And I hear from men. If you ask any guy
at least, um, would you rather like get honest feedback
or not, They're gonna say yes right there. They really
(12:39):
are going to say yes, so your partner. I think
that's good for women to hear they're gonna say yes.
I think a lot of women aren't sure they're gonna
say yes, that they're going to be like, oh, you're
micromanaging me, or you know, and and so I think
I think women do need to know that most men,
a lot of men would be happy to hear direction
right given the choice of how being a partner who's
(13:00):
faking it and not enjoying sex and not going on
that pleasure cruise together versus getting some honest feedback about
how to do it? Yeah, how can I help with?
Dr Gayl Salts will be back after the short break,
(13:28):
Dear Doctor Saltz. I watch porn on occasion, I found
myself in a new relationship, and I have not stopped
doing so, but I am beginning to wonder if it
is something I should talk to my partner about. Is
porn cheating? Should I bring up my habits with my partner? Yeah,
I would say, Um, what this question suggests is do
(13:48):
you bring something up? And in this case, if this
person isn't bringing it up, they're kind of keeping it
a secret. And I'm just not into secrets. I'm all
about privacy. This person can have a ton of privacy
you around their porn use and masturbation. But I think
once you make it a secret, you're just amplifying the
explosiveness of the issue. And there have been studies that
(14:13):
have shown that that couples who talk about porn, couples
who even watch it together, they have much much higher
levels of satisfaction and lower levels of distress. So I
think it would be a great conversation. I don't think
you have to hide the fact that you masturbate. I
do not think although we live in a culture where
we're very quick to uh stigmatize porn or talk about
(14:37):
it being addictive, it's really just a form of erotic stimuli.
There's a lot of great ethical porn being made today. Um,
it's kind of like fair trade coffee, like you pay
a little more. In this case, you pay a little
more than free and it's not much more. Where can
people find ethical porn? That's that sounds like? I mean
that is a lot of people's disturbance with porn, understandably so.
(15:00):
And where can people find ethical porn? And where compete?
And where can women? Is this? I this? I hear
a lot. We can women find porn that is more
consistent with with what they want to watch? To be honest, right,
I think that's such a great question. You know. The
thing again with ethical porn in which you know, the
(15:20):
actors want to be there and there's consensuality and everybody
is of age and you just you can you know,
you can feel good about it. What's amazing is that
so much of it is being um generated and directed
by women for women and four couples. Um, you know,
I think of like, there's a porn director Erica lust
(15:41):
l U s T. She has a site that's a
great resource and uh she's a mom and a porn
director and she has fellowships for up and coming females
who want to make porn like she's taking it. It's
really an art form, you know. Um, she might start
with someone like Erica Lust and you know, and see
where it leads you. Um, there's a site that's called
(16:04):
Belessa which is offers free porn, but it's it's it's
it's free ethical porn. So if you want more of it,
you will have to subscribe to get more. But a
lot of that really caters to women as well, and um,
you know it's great as a lot of the magazines
like Women's Health and Cosmo and they they often have
(16:27):
done articles about like the best erotic literature, the best
new ethical porn. So so there, really it's not that
far from finding You're not that far away from finding out.
Dear doctor Saltz. I'm a woman who has been sexually
active for a few years, but I've never had an orgasm.
I have tried with myself and partners without success. I
(16:50):
wonder if part of the reason is the pressure that
I put on myself. What advice do you have for
someone who's never orgasmed? Yeah, well, I mean, first of all,
you got it that pressure off of yourself, because that just, um,
you know, becomes a growing negative. You know, feedback loop.
I mean, pressure is anxiety, and anxiety is the enemy
(17:13):
of arousal. Anxiety shuts down arousal. So so you know,
start enjoying your body, start enjoying, giving yourself pleasure. Definitely
take the focus off of orgasm. There are so many
other ways to just um have pleasure. Bring in that
psychogenic stimulation. I think it's a little bit of a
(17:33):
theme for me and a little bit of a theme today. Again,
start generating the mind based arousal because that will push
out the pressure. That will push out the anxiety if
you get enough of that going. Um. There are sites
out there like omgs dot com, which are very credible
educational sites. That's a site that was designed specifically to
(17:54):
help women learn how to masturbate and orgasm and it
features um uh you know, women talking about what works
for them and then actually showing the topics of Debbie Hermanick,
who we both know did a lot of the research
for it. So again they're they're great resources. Um, but
you've got to take the pressure off. So one, you know,
(18:17):
I often hear from women who who struggle with this,
and particularly because they think they should be able to
orgasm with intercourse which is which is harder for a
lot of women because you don't have as much direct
literal stimulation. It's just harder for a lot of women.
But women who have never and are really afraid that
they're broken, UM, do have a tremendous amount of anxiety
and don't know that there are other women who have
(18:38):
the same issue going on, and they're looking for like
a tool. So when you say to them, you know,
like fantasy views fantasy, they're so anxious that they can't
even think of something to fantasize about. So as you're saying,
sort of books of erotica where you can borrow other
women's fantasies. UM, I used to prescribe, you know, the
(19:00):
Nancy Friday books and they're old, but they still those
fantasies are tried and true and sort of borrowing other
women's fantasies. And for some women who have never had
an orgasm and don't have this sense of like I
don't even know what I'm looking for, you know, like
I don't I don't even know where I'm supposed to
be going. UM. Using a vibrator by yourself, when there's
(19:22):
no pressure and no one around can be really helpful.
Do you have a a favorite vibrator you recommend to women.
I mean, I'm I just love all. I mean, first
of all, we're going through a renaissance and sex toys.
It's like the Golden Age of sex toys. Go to
Babe Land, go on their website. There's so many beautifully
designed products. I really love this company that's out of
(19:44):
New York. It was started by two women who are young.
It's called Dame Products UM and they do tremendous research
ones UM ones like a market marketer, strategists, the others
a very competent engineer. And they've developed two or three
vibrators that have gone through um thousands of iterations of
(20:07):
development by being used by real women. So I would
definitely start with Dame Products. They're one of my favorite companies.
That's a good tip. Women should even know that. Frankly,
some of some vibrators today are made. They're they're gorgeous.
As you said, they look like they're like coffee table.
Are Yeah, that nobody will know what they are if
(20:28):
you have them on your coffee table. But and you know,
they're not the most expensive accessory. But they're not the
cheapest either, and so you know, you go to somewhere
like Dame Products, and you know, I think you're going
to spend fifty to seventy five to uh to a
hundred bucks maybe, but it's really worth it to get
a quality product, and you know, don't give yourself pressure.
(20:49):
I mean, I love that idea of starting with like
literary erotica and just read it. Don't even think about
touching yourself, you know, just read it and enjoy it
and let it percolate. And if there's a desire to
um to touch or to to be essentially stimulated, then
and let that happen, but let it come from an
organic place. We hope you thought that was helpful. This
(21:12):
is really like a cornerstone of sex therapy. People often
wonder like why what I see a sex therapist? And
when what I see a sex therapist? And what's going
to happen, which people are very apprehensive about. But a
real cornerstone is this idea of you know, sort of
teasing apart as you as you say the sex script
and and looking at and seeing where one or the
(21:35):
other is having difficulty specifically which they both might not
have even been aware of, and then tackling that specific problem,
and often insex therapy, one sort of treatment element, I
guess is a homework assignment or you know, a like
this is a this is a thing to try, not
saying it work for sure, but something along the way
(21:57):
that might be helpful to you to try at home.
And so you might assign a couple to go home
and do some things. Could you give our listeners an
idea of like a homework assignment that could potentially enhance
their sexual experiences? Sure? So, Um, that couple that I
talked about, maybe who's coming and they get in bed
(22:20):
and they just start having sex, and they go pretty
much straight to intercourse, and they're not completely invested in
one partner is not experiencing a lot of pleasure. Let's
say in a heterosexual arrangement, heterosexual relationship, it's the female partner, right,
So I want to give them a homework assignment, um,
(22:42):
that they can work on that's targeting those early stages
of arousal and how do they get in sync together? Right?
Because they need a new arousal runway. They're they're just
going sort of almost like straight to intercourse. Um, So
an arousal runway could consist of you know outer course
activities and investing more in outer course activities. UM, it
(23:05):
could be about um bringing in psychogenic stimulation, mind based arousal.
Maybe they can share a fantasy in a face to
face kind of way, but more than likely they're probably
a little too shy for that. So maybe I'll have
them like read some erotica allowed together, or watch some
ethical porn together where the actors, you know, really want
(23:28):
to be there or listen to something. And so I'll
give them an assignment to do this, and I'll call
it a willingness window because it's a window of time
they are allocating. You have to allocate the time. Couples
always say, well it's homework. I just wanted to be spontaneous.
Well we'll get to spontaneity. You wouldn't be here in
my office if you could just do this spontaneously, right,
(23:49):
that's like step five on the staircase. We're on step one.
So you're gonna allocate a window of time. And the
thing that you're bringing is your willingness. Because we've decided
that this is important. I know that you're not going
to show up wanting to do it. And even if
one of you wants to do it. Your partner may
not want to do it, but you know, what you
both have is willingness. You may not have the desire yet,
(24:12):
but you have the willingness. So if I can create
this willingness willingness window and in that say this isn't
about sex, I'm not I don't even want you to
go to sex. I'm looking to isolate an aspect of
the sex script and to work on one behavior and
see if it helps move us forward. So let's decouple
this completely from sex, this assignment. Then they're gonna go
(24:35):
home and do it, and they're going to bring back
some fascinating data about you know, what happened and what
didn't happen, and we'll be able to continue to to
iterate from there. So you can really decrease a couple's
anxiety in doing homework assignment by basically saying you can't
have intercourse, that's not the goal, and then there's not
this apprehension like okay, then we have to go there.
(24:57):
And maybe like you said, you you you say, hey,
read this erotica together or out loud to each other,
or you watch something that's stimulating and uh, and as
you said, maybe you have you add some elements of
for play that they didn't typically do, but maybe they're
going to try and and then you're just gonna emotionally
see where that leads them, what that does to desire,
(25:18):
what that does to arousal, and and as you said,
then you'll then you plan the next homework assignment right
And I should say something that's interesting is, um, you know,
when you decouple it from sex, it relieves a lot
of pressure, and you start to realize how much pressure
certain sexual behaviors like intercourse might have. The other thing
(25:39):
I really want to free people to do is sometimes
I'll even say, make this the only sexual thing that
you're actually doing, so that in all the space in between,
you can bring back eroticism safely, especially if couples have
been in like a negative cycle of like pursuing and avoidance.
I really want them to find each other a radically
(26:00):
outside of the bedroom and to be able to cultivate
what I just call like a little erotic spark or
a charge. So sometimes we really need to take sex
off the table for just the homework and sometimes for
like a period of time so that they can rediscover
their erotic selves. That it's hard to find longing when
(26:22):
it's omni there and even a pressure. And that part
of erotica, right, is the feeling of like I want you, um,
and I have a longing for you, but it's hard
to feel that when you walk into the kitchen and
see your partner. If you're like, uh, if I if
I make any move at all, I know what's going
to happen. We'll have to go do it exactly exactly right.
(26:42):
I mean, we have to decouple eroticism and sexuality from
the act of sex itself. So when you say ritual,
that's very important to create a ritual. Can you give
us an example of a ritual? Well, you know, I
was just working with a couple and this is you know,
it's it's it's pretty simple, like they're going to do
(27:03):
a willingness window. Um, I think they're actually gonna do
one around um the sport play and arousal concept. So
that was the homework and it's a it's a it's
it's a new couple, um, and they weren't sure that
they'd be able to get there because, um, just life
is going to get in the way and they know
that they're going to fight. So I also said, on
(27:23):
the day that you're going to do that, I want
you to wake up that morning and I want you
to know that this is at the top of the
to do list. It's gonna come later tonight, but it's
still at the top of the list. And I want
you to organize and live your lives in a way
in which, um, you are privileging this sexual expression, right,
so it starts to change, and that one day, how
(27:47):
they're treating each other, what they're eating, their approach to exercise,
who the work they're bringing home, how they're using their iPhones,
how they're communicating during the day, who they're talking to
their parents, are not talking to their parents on the phone,
you know. So to me, that would be an example
of of a ritual, you know, an extended ritual. Actually
(28:08):
one day a week, you know you're actually, um, really
prioritizing the sex that's going to happen maybe at the
end of the day, and you know, spending spending that day.
I'm not saying don't go about your daily business, but
just keep this in mind as a priority. Fabulous and
thank you so much, Thank you, I really really appreciate it.
(28:31):
Do you have a problem. I can help with If so,
email me at how Can I Help at Seneca women
dot com. All senders remain anonymous and listen every Friday
to how Can I Help with Me? Dr Gale Salts
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to How Can I Help? I'm Dr GAYL. Saltz.
I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the New
York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author, and
I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Today we're going to
tackle some questions that are about sex. And I thought
it would be really helpful to have a guest with
me today who is a very well known sex therapist,
(00:46):
and I thought it would add a lot of dimension
to the information. My guest today is Ian Kerner, a
psychotherapist and nationally recognized sexuality counselor who specializes in sex
therapy and couples therapy. He's the author of the huge
bestseller She Comes First, The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring
(01:07):
a Woman, and now he has a new book out.
So tell me about the last time you had sex.
Laying there and learning to repair our love lives. And
I am super excited to have you here because well,
we've done a number of things in the past together
about relationships and sexual issues and you're the man as
(01:29):
far as I'm concerned. Yeah, when when it comes to
sex therapists and communicating this kind of information to people,
which can be hard for people to even ask about,
let her alone, UM really engage in a conversation about.
So we did get some questions today which I definitely
want to hit there are about the sexual part of relationships,
and I'm glad that people feel people can ask anonymously
(01:51):
here so people do feel comfortable writing in with their
questions about sexual issues. I have definitely been hearing from
people that in this lockdown situation there high irritability. They're
being very very stressed and highly irritable and often yes
being locked down with their children all the time, which
is you know, very very stressful. UM was making it,
(02:13):
you know, it was basically crushing their libido that they
just felt so grouchy and so stressed out, UM, and
so anxious so much of the time that the idea
of getting in the mood or being approached was was
really being squashed, which then in turn scared them because
they're they're with their partner and this is the person
(02:34):
that actually they kind of want to turn to for comfort.
But they had these let's say, ambivalent feelings. On the
one hand, I want you to comfort me on the
other hand, like don't don't talk to me about sexy time. Yeah,
I agree. I mean there's been so much irritability and
just just anger and defensive emotions, and that that really
(02:56):
gets in the way of kind of the vulnerability of X.
You know. I think the ironic or sad thing about
all of this is that sex can be such a
boost of positivity to a relationship and could really help
alleviate so much of that stress and anger and frustration.
I mean sex. Really, studies have shown the couples who
even have healthy sex once a week have much higher
(03:19):
levels of relationship positivity than couples who don't. And it's
not about two, three, four or five times a week,
you know. So I've really been focused lately as we're
coming in in COVID one ft in, one foot out
sort of on new rituals, and I think setting up
like a ritual around sex is really important because we
(03:40):
need that positivity. So I'm going to ask you about
what you give me an example of a ritual. But
before we do that, um dating during this pantemic time
and being intimate with new people has been particularly challenging,
really hearing from from twenty some things and thirty some
(04:02):
things who have been you know, fearful of being with
a new person, right and and and contagion understandably. So now,
of course people are getting vaccinated, but still half the
population is not vaccinated. Do you have thoughts for people
who are single? Have you been singing single people and
they want to find a new partner in terms of intimacy?
(04:25):
H Well, I'm not. I don't work as much with
singles anymore as as I used to, Gal, but I
do know from you know, a lot of my single
patients who I was seeing, um, some of who were
having sexual problems at the time or or dating problems.
I know that for a lot of them, uh, their
dating lives just completely shut down, like just you know,
(04:45):
went into suspended animation, especially for people who are on
the extremely cautious side of things. And so you know,
some people were able to do zoom dates and things
like that. Um, some people actually did get inventive and
creative and they would go on dates, but they'd sort
of be walks or side by side dates, or they'd
(05:07):
actually find that there was a lot of eroticism from
not jumping into bed and not having sex. You know,
I think a lot of young people today, especially with
the apps, are sort of sex is available and there's
some pressure to have sex. So in some ways it
did allow them to appreciate other aspects of eroticism. So
I just hope that continues. You know. I think that
(05:28):
this is a great time to be, uh, to be cautious,
but I don't think you have to be overly cautious.
You don't want to take risks, you know. So, UM,
I think it's a great time to uh to start
getting out there again and start getting into the dating habits,
but maybe be more mindful, maybe being more appreciative of
everything that you've learned in this time and uh, you know,
(05:50):
um find new ways of connecting or appreciate new ways
of connecting. So let's get to it and see how
can we help. Dear doctor Saltz. I know it's not
very feminist of me, but I often find myself baking orgasms.
(06:10):
Sometimes it just feels easier than trying to walk my
partner through my own needs. Do you have any advice
how to ask for what I want? Why do I
feel the need to fake an orgasm if I don't
finish well. I mean, it's an interesting question first, like,
you know, why do um, why do women uh you know,
(06:30):
fake orgasms, although men do, but not nearly to the
same extent. Of course, you could say, oh, I don't
want to hurt his feelings, or I'm not enjoying this
and I want to bring it to an end. I
often find though, that there's another layer that doesn't get
talked about as much as which is if I'm not
having an orgasm, then maybe I'm broken or maybe something's
(06:54):
wrong with me, and I don't want to share or
make myself vulnerable, you know. And so so I think
that there's a real there's a real conversation, and there's
a real vulnerability there. And I'm a little bummed that
this person doesn't want to really teach their partner or
talk about this to their partner, because you know, sex
(07:17):
is like a dance, and most of us don't arrive
knowing the steps and how to do it dance, you know.
I think it's this idea that everything should just be
uh natural, um, you know, and spontaneous, and and it's
one of the reasons I wrote this book is because
Not only do I want people to rewrite their own
sex scripts, I want them to challenge the larger cultural
(07:40):
scripts around sex that they've internalized. I always have to
have an orgasm, you know, from from intercourse, right, or
sex should just be spontaneous, you know. I want to
challenge all of those notions. So I hope that this
person we'll have a conversation, you know, with their partner,
and will I feel broken, but can come from it
(08:02):
from a place of strength and wanting to make sex
better and take the time, if they really care about
each other, to invest in learning how to dance with
each other. So if she has been faking it, how
does she go back in and say, oh, hey, actually faster,
(08:22):
slower to the right, to the left. That's not working
for me. I can't do it with intercourse. I need this,
I need to go down on me. How does she
How does she have that? I mean, because she's got
to kind of back up now from from something that's
been How would you suggest to do that? Right? Well,
first of all, what I would say is, even without
faking it, people sexuality changes over the life cycle. And
(08:45):
who says that what worked yesterday absolutely has to work
today or who says that, you know, maybe yesterday there
were less stressors and today there are new stressors, and
so we need to do this, um, you know, in
a differferent way. Um. The thing that I would also say,
going back to uh fantasy again is, um, you know,
(09:07):
clearly this person doesn't want to teach their partners or
has identified a problem. Well, let's identify the solution. Um,
what is the solution to this person not faking it?
I really don't know much about them. Is it getting
more stimulation, is it reducing stress? Is it's something that
(09:27):
their partners rough or something. I don't know what the
problem is, but what is the solution to it? Let's
just say the solution is way more for play. Okay,
So now you're not criticizing with a problem, You're talking
about a solution. And why not secks it up again?
Why not say, you know, I really had this terrific
hot day dream and we were kind of we were
(09:49):
kissing again, you know, and I was remembering like how
hot it was in the beginning when we were just kissing,
and I kind of missed that right Like then you
might start to yet what you're missing. So it's it's
it's really about again suggesting things that do turn you
on and um and sharing it with your partner as
(10:10):
a bonus for them. What you can hear in the
threat of questions is people being afraid, understandably of criticizing
their partner and and losing them in that sense. But
if you're you're basically suggested bringing them with you by saying, hey,
I'm this turns me on and I want to do
it with you, right. You know, it's funny like people
(10:32):
are there so shy about talking, and yet they will
have arguments and talk and put their needs out there
and every other aspect of like where are we going
to live, what are we going to do this weekend?
Let's roll, We're gonna let's go, Let's get into the
boxing ring and fight this out. But when it comes
to sex, all of a sudden, you know, we don't
want to bruise each other's feelings, And you know, it
(10:53):
says a lot about how we live in a culture
where we don't, you know, learn how to talk about sex.
But I would say, like, you need a little bit
of a thicker skin, you need a little bit of
a resilience, you need to be able to go in
there and talk about and and still in a loving, proactive,
supportive way about what you need out of the relationship
and sex is worth it for this woman who's having
(11:15):
difficulty reaching orgasm during whatever it is for play or
during intercourse. You know you also, I mean, I hear
from a lot of women who really don't like the
idea of being very directive verbally directive. They find that
it's sort of it messes with their arousal for them.
But one can be physically directive. One does not have
(11:35):
to One can just move someone's head around or hand around,
or you know, pace them or whatever, and you can
show your partner what you need or what is what
is necessary for you. Yeah, it's true. We don't want
to give instructions during sex because it really takes us
out of the moment. It's not that the instructions are bad,
it's that they just don't allow us to, like, you know,
(11:58):
relax and get absorbed. So part of the trick of
good sex is guiding each other and staying in the
flow of pleasure. It's like if I'm driving and there's
a detour or there's like a roadwalk, I'm not going
to abandon the trip. I may slow down, i may
stop or take a left or look around, but I'm
(12:18):
staying in the flow of the trip, you know. So
you've got to work on staying in the flow of pleasure.
And I think a little physical direction um is great.
And I hear from men. If you ask any guy
at least, um, would you rather like get honest feedback
or not, They're gonna say yes right there. They really
(12:39):
are going to say yes, so your partner. I think
that's good for women to hear they're gonna say yes.
I think a lot of women aren't sure they're gonna
say yes, that they're going to be like, oh, you're
micromanaging me, or you know, and and so I think
I think women do need to know that most men,
a lot of men would be happy to hear direction
right given the choice of how being a partner who's
(13:00):
faking it and not enjoying sex and not going on
that pleasure cruise together versus getting some honest feedback about
how to do it? Yeah, how can I help with?
Dr Gayl Salts will be back after the short break,
(13:28):
Dear Doctor Saltz. I watch porn on occasion, I found
myself in a new relationship, and I have not stopped
doing so, but I am beginning to wonder if it
is something I should talk to my partner about. Is
porn cheating? Should I bring up my habits with my partner? Yeah,
I would say, Um, what this question suggests is do
(13:48):
you bring something up? And in this case, if this
person isn't bringing it up, they're kind of keeping it
a secret. And I'm just not into secrets. I'm all
about privacy. This person can have a ton of privacy
you around their porn use and masturbation. But I think
once you make it a secret, you're just amplifying the
explosiveness of the issue. And there have been studies that
(14:13):
have shown that that couples who talk about porn, couples
who even watch it together, they have much much higher
levels of satisfaction and lower levels of distress. So I
think it would be a great conversation. I don't think
you have to hide the fact that you masturbate. I
do not think although we live in a culture where
we're very quick to uh stigmatize porn or talk about
(14:37):
it being addictive, it's really just a form of erotic stimuli.
There's a lot of great ethical porn being made today. Um,
it's kind of like fair trade coffee, like you pay
a little more. In this case, you pay a little
more than free and it's not much more. Where can
people find ethical porn? That's that sounds like? I mean
that is a lot of people's disturbance with porn, understandably so.
(15:00):
And where can people find ethical porn? And where compete?
And where can women? Is this? I this? I hear
a lot. We can women find porn that is more
consistent with with what they want to watch? To be honest, right,
I think that's such a great question. You know. The
thing again with ethical porn in which you know, the
(15:20):
actors want to be there and there's consensuality and everybody
is of age and you just you can you know,
you can feel good about it. What's amazing is that
so much of it is being um generated and directed
by women for women and four couples. Um, you know,
I think of like, there's a porn director Erica lust
(15:41):
l U s T. She has a site that's a
great resource and uh she's a mom and a porn
director and she has fellowships for up and coming females
who want to make porn like she's taking it. It's
really an art form, you know. Um, she might start
with someone like Erica Lust and you know, and see
where it leads you. Um, there's a site that's called
(16:04):
Belessa which is offers free porn, but it's it's it's
it's free ethical porn. So if you want more of it,
you will have to subscribe to get more. But a
lot of that really caters to women as well, and um,
you know it's great as a lot of the magazines
like Women's Health and Cosmo and they they often have
(16:27):
done articles about like the best erotic literature, the best
new ethical porn. So so there, really it's not that
far from finding You're not that far away from finding out.
Dear doctor Saltz. I'm a woman who has been sexually
active for a few years, but I've never had an orgasm.
I have tried with myself and partners without success. I
(16:50):
wonder if part of the reason is the pressure that
I put on myself. What advice do you have for
someone who's never orgasmed? Yeah, well, I mean, first of all,
you got it that pressure off of yourself, because that just, um,
you know, becomes a growing negative. You know, feedback loop.
I mean, pressure is anxiety, and anxiety is the enemy
(17:13):
of arousal. Anxiety shuts down arousal. So so you know,
start enjoying your body, start enjoying, giving yourself pleasure. Definitely
take the focus off of orgasm. There are so many
other ways to just um have pleasure. Bring in that
psychogenic stimulation. I think it's a little bit of a
(17:33):
theme for me and a little bit of a theme today. Again,
start generating the mind based arousal because that will push
out the pressure. That will push out the anxiety if
you get enough of that going. Um. There are sites
out there like omgs dot com, which are very credible
educational sites. That's a site that was designed specifically to
(17:54):
help women learn how to masturbate and orgasm and it
features um uh you know, women talking about what works
for them and then actually showing the topics of Debbie Hermanick,
who we both know did a lot of the research
for it. So again they're they're great resources. Um, but
you've got to take the pressure off. So one, you know,
(18:17):
I often hear from women who who struggle with this,
and particularly because they think they should be able to
orgasm with intercourse which is which is harder for a
lot of women because you don't have as much direct
literal stimulation. It's just harder for a lot of women.
But women who have never and are really afraid that
they're broken, UM, do have a tremendous amount of anxiety
and don't know that there are other women who have
(18:38):
the same issue going on, and they're looking for like
a tool. So when you say to them, you know,
like fantasy views fantasy, they're so anxious that they can't
even think of something to fantasize about. So as you're saying,
sort of books of erotica where you can borrow other
women's fantasies. UM, I used to prescribe, you know, the
(19:00):
Nancy Friday books and they're old, but they still those
fantasies are tried and true and sort of borrowing other
women's fantasies. And for some women who have never had
an orgasm and don't have this sense of like I
don't even know what I'm looking for, you know, like
I don't I don't even know where I'm supposed to
be going. UM. Using a vibrator by yourself, when there's
(19:22):
no pressure and no one around can be really helpful.
Do you have a a favorite vibrator you recommend to women.
I mean, I'm I just love all. I mean, first
of all, we're going through a renaissance and sex toys.
It's like the Golden Age of sex toys. Go to
Babe Land, go on their website. There's so many beautifully
designed products. I really love this company that's out of
(19:44):
New York. It was started by two women who are young.
It's called Dame Products UM and they do tremendous research
ones UM ones like a market marketer, strategists, the others
a very competent engineer. And they've developed two or three
vibrators that have gone through um thousands of iterations of
(20:07):
development by being used by real women. So I would
definitely start with Dame Products. They're one of my favorite companies.
That's a good tip. Women should even know that. Frankly,
some of some vibrators today are made. They're they're gorgeous.
As you said, they look like they're like coffee table.
Are Yeah, that nobody will know what they are if
(20:28):
you have them on your coffee table. But and you know,
they're not the most expensive accessory. But they're not the
cheapest either, and so you know, you go to somewhere
like Dame Products, and you know, I think you're going
to spend fifty to seventy five to uh to a
hundred bucks maybe, but it's really worth it to get
a quality product, and you know, don't give yourself pressure.
(20:49):
I mean, I love that idea of starting with like
literary erotica and just read it. Don't even think about
touching yourself, you know, just read it and enjoy it
and let it percolate. And if there's a desire to
um to touch or to to be essentially stimulated, then
and let that happen, but let it come from an
organic place. We hope you thought that was helpful. This
(21:12):
is really like a cornerstone of sex therapy. People often
wonder like why what I see a sex therapist? And
when what I see a sex therapist? And what's going
to happen, which people are very apprehensive about. But a
real cornerstone is this idea of you know, sort of
teasing apart as you as you say the sex script
and and looking at and seeing where one or the
(21:35):
other is having difficulty specifically which they both might not
have even been aware of, and then tackling that specific problem,
and often insex therapy, one sort of treatment element, I
guess is a homework assignment or you know, a like
this is a this is a thing to try, not
saying it work for sure, but something along the way
(21:57):
that might be helpful to you to try at home.
And so you might assign a couple to go home
and do some things. Could you give our listeners an
idea of like a homework assignment that could potentially enhance
their sexual experiences? Sure? So, Um, that couple that I
talked about, maybe who's coming and they get in bed
(22:20):
and they just start having sex, and they go pretty
much straight to intercourse, and they're not completely invested in
one partner is not experiencing a lot of pleasure. Let's
say in a heterosexual arrangement, heterosexual relationship, it's the female partner, right,
So I want to give them a homework assignment, um,
(22:42):
that they can work on that's targeting those early stages
of arousal and how do they get in sync together? Right?
Because they need a new arousal runway. They're they're just
going sort of almost like straight to intercourse. Um, So
an arousal runway could consist of you know outer course
activities and investing more in outer course activities. UM, it
(23:05):
could be about um bringing in psychogenic stimulation, mind based arousal.
Maybe they can share a fantasy in a face to
face kind of way, but more than likely they're probably
a little too shy for that. So maybe I'll have
them like read some erotica allowed together, or watch some
ethical porn together where the actors, you know, really want
(23:28):
to be there or listen to something. And so I'll
give them an assignment to do this, and I'll call
it a willingness window because it's a window of time
they are allocating. You have to allocate the time. Couples
always say, well it's homework. I just wanted to be spontaneous.
Well we'll get to spontaneity. You wouldn't be here in
my office if you could just do this spontaneously, right,
(23:49):
that's like step five on the staircase. We're on step one.
So you're gonna allocate a window of time. And the
thing that you're bringing is your willingness. Because we've decided
that this is important. I know that you're not going
to show up wanting to do it. And even if
one of you wants to do it. Your partner may
not want to do it, but you know, what you
both have is willingness. You may not have the desire yet,
(24:12):
but you have the willingness. So if I can create
this willingness willingness window and in that say this isn't
about sex, I'm not I don't even want you to
go to sex. I'm looking to isolate an aspect of
the sex script and to work on one behavior and
see if it helps move us forward. So let's decouple
this completely from sex, this assignment. Then they're gonna go
(24:35):
home and do it, and they're going to bring back
some fascinating data about you know, what happened and what
didn't happen, and we'll be able to continue to to
iterate from there. So you can really decrease a couple's
anxiety in doing homework assignment by basically saying you can't
have intercourse, that's not the goal, and then there's not
this apprehension like okay, then we have to go there.
(24:57):
And maybe like you said, you you you say, hey,
read this erotica together or out loud to each other,
or you watch something that's stimulating and uh, and as
you said, maybe you have you add some elements of
for play that they didn't typically do, but maybe they're
going to try and and then you're just gonna emotionally
see where that leads them, what that does to desire,
(25:18):
what that does to arousal, and and as you said,
then you'll then you plan the next homework assignment right
And I should say something that's interesting is, um, you know,
when you decouple it from sex, it relieves a lot
of pressure, and you start to realize how much pressure
certain sexual behaviors like intercourse might have. The other thing
(25:39):
I really want to free people to do is sometimes
I'll even say, make this the only sexual thing that
you're actually doing, so that in all the space in between,
you can bring back eroticism safely, especially if couples have
been in like a negative cycle of like pursuing and avoidance.
I really want them to find each other a radically
(26:00):
outside of the bedroom and to be able to cultivate
what I just call like a little erotic spark or
a charge. So sometimes we really need to take sex
off the table for just the homework and sometimes for
like a period of time so that they can rediscover
their erotic selves. That it's hard to find longing when
(26:22):
it's omni there and even a pressure. And that part
of erotica, right, is the feeling of like I want you, um,
and I have a longing for you, but it's hard
to feel that when you walk into the kitchen and
see your partner. If you're like, uh, if I if
I make any move at all, I know what's going
to happen. We'll have to go do it exactly exactly right.
(26:42):
I mean, we have to decouple eroticism and sexuality from
the act of sex itself. So when you say ritual,
that's very important to create a ritual. Can you give
us an example of a ritual? Well, you know, I
was just working with a couple and this is you know,
it's it's it's pretty simple, like they're going to do
(27:03):
a willingness window. Um, I think they're actually gonna do
one around um the sport play and arousal concept. So
that was the homework and it's a it's a it's
it's a new couple, um, and they weren't sure that
they'd be able to get there because, um, just life
is going to get in the way and they know
that they're going to fight. So I also said, on
(27:23):
the day that you're going to do that, I want
you to wake up that morning and I want you
to know that this is at the top of the
to do list. It's gonna come later tonight, but it's
still at the top of the list. And I want
you to organize and live your lives in a way
in which, um, you are privileging this sexual expression, right,
so it starts to change, and that one day, how
(27:47):
they're treating each other, what they're eating, their approach to exercise,
who the work they're bringing home, how they're using their iPhones,
how they're communicating during the day, who they're talking to
their parents, are not talking to their parents on the phone,
you know. So to me, that would be an example
of of a ritual, you know, an extended ritual. Actually
(28:08):
one day a week, you know you're actually, um, really
prioritizing the sex that's going to happen maybe at the
end of the day, and you know, spending spending that day.
I'm not saying don't go about your daily business, but
just keep this in mind as a priority. Fabulous and
thank you so much, Thank you, I really really appreciate it.
(28:31):
Do you have a problem. I can help with If so,
email me at how Can I Help at Seneca women
dot com. All senders remain anonymous and listen every Friday
to how Can I Help with Me? Dr Gale Salts
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