January 26, 2024 • 15 mins
Don’t believe the Valentine's hype, says Dr. Saltz. Don’t fall back into old, bad relationship habits. And do remember that love doesn’t come only in heart-shaped red packages
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, the psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Being single during a
time in your life when you wish you were part
of a couple can be very difficult. You may feel
extra lonely and frustrated on holidays because there are times
when you think about being with someone you love. But
(00:49):
no holiday can make you feel lousy about being a single,
unfortunately more than Valentine's Day, especially when someone less than
sensitive a girlfriend, asks you, what are you doing for
Valentine's Day? So today I'm answering a question from a
single listener who sounds like she is dreading the big day.
(01:12):
When you were little, you hoped for cute Valentine cards
from girlfriends and boy admirers. Maybe your parents even got
you a Valentine or a flower to let you know
how loved and how special you are to them. Then,
as an adolescent, you hoped and prayed that some boy
would present you with something so you could feel perhaps attractive,
(01:34):
and maybe even imagine being really together and in love
one day. By the time you are an adult, Valentine's
Day has been built up and exaggerated as the day
you snuggle and romance your special someone. So when you
don't happen to have a special someone around, it can
really shake your confidence. Am I attractive? Am I lovable?
(01:58):
Will anyone ever want me? Am? I? Destined? To be alone?
As if one day in your life could possibly reflect
so much about you as a person and the rest
of your life. Yet, somehow, for many, the loneliness and
fear of never finding someone can send you into a
tailspin at this time of year. Unfortunately, a lot of
(02:22):
women crawl into a shell as a means of dealing
with feeling crummy. The more they isolate themselves, generally speaking,
the worse they feel. So really, I'm urging you, don't
take this so seriously. This is a hallmark holiday. Don't
bury yourself in your work to the exclusion of all else. Well,
(02:47):
it's great to love your work and be enthusiastic, it's
not great to use it to step out of the
social world. Don't use Valentine's Day as a way to
rebound into an old and bad relationship because you feel alone. Sometimes,
in order to avoid the painful feelings, women will frantically
(03:07):
grasp the nearest available man, including the guy they already
broke up with, because it wasn't a good relationship for them.
This will only bring you further heartache and delay getting
back out there to find a better match for you.
For yourself, the difficulty of being alone on Valentine's Day
(03:28):
varies from person to person. For some, the societal expectation
and the cultural emphasis on romantic relationships during this holiday
contributes to feelings of loneliness or even inadequacy if they're
not in a romantic relationship. The media, the advertisements, and
the general atmosphere can make it seem like everyone is
(03:51):
celebrating with a partner, which of course is not true
and may amplify feelings of isolation for those without one.
It's true humans are social beings and many value connection
and companionship. Valentine's Day is traditionally this celebration of love,
(04:12):
and it may accentuate the desire for meaningful connections which
leads to this sense of loneliness if one feels this
is missing in their life. But it also means that
people are forgetting that connections come in many sizes, shapes,
and packages. Of course, individuals have different perspectives on Valentine's Day.
(04:34):
Some people may not find being alone during this time
challenging at all. People often find ways to enjoy the
day solo or with friends, focusing on self love and
appreciation rather than solely on romantic relationships. What is focusing
on self love entail well? Replacing negative thoughts with positive affirmations,
(05:01):
reminding yourself of your strengths, of your achievements, and of
your positive qualities, and repeating those things to yourself on
a regular basis. Developing a self care routine that includes
activities you enjoy. This could be taking a warm bath,
reading a book, practicing meditation, or engaging in hobbies that
(05:24):
bring you joy. Learning to say no when it's necessary,
and setting healthy boundaries with other people is definitely self love.
Prioritizing your well being and make choices that align with
your values. Nurturing your body by eating nourishing foods and
(05:45):
exercising regularly, and getting enough sleep, taking care of your
physical health is a fundamental aspect of self love. The
practice of mindfulness to stay present in the moment and
meditation to calm your mind, to reduce your stress, and
to foster a sense of inner peace. Always acknowledge and
(06:08):
celebrate your accomplishments, even the small ones. This boosts your
confidence and reinforces a positive self image. Understand that everyone
makes mistakes, so the quicker you can forgive yourself for
a past mistake and use it as an opportunity for
growth and learning, the more you can love yourself. Try
(06:33):
to choose being around people who uplift you and support you.
Creating this kind of positive environment gives you a better
sense of well being. Another form of self love is
actually cultivating gratitude By regularly expressing thanks for the positive
aspects of your life. This can help shift your focus
(06:56):
from what you're lacking to what you appreciate. Treating yourself
with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer
to a friend who is facing a challenge. This practice
of self compassion in moments of difficulty is definitely self love.
Set goals for yourself for personal development, and invest time
(07:19):
in activities that help you grow and help you feel
fulfilled and remember that spending time alone doing activities you
enjoy is not loneliness. This can help you develop a
positive relationship with yourself. Basically, learn to enjoy your own
(07:41):
company and also learn to speak back to your own
negative self talk. Challenge those thoughts, replace them with positive
and constructive perspectives, and take time for self reflection, checking
in to ask yourself, how do I feel, what do
(08:03):
I need? And make adjustments to try to practice self
care on the daily. Self love is an ongoing process,
and it's okay to prioritize yourself. Embracing self love leads
to greater resilience and better mental well being, as well
as a more positive outlook on life. So with that,
(08:29):
let's get to my listener's question and ask how can
I help dear doctor Saltz. I am thirty three years
old and it will be yet another year for me
where I have no partner, no boyfriend, no romantic love
person in my life. While this does tend to bother
(08:49):
me all year round, it particularly bothers me around Valentine's Day.
It seems like all the emphasis is on having a
romantic partner and doing romantic things with them, which just
accentuates my feeling sad about not having someone in my life.
I'm not actually lonely in general, so this feeling of
(09:10):
longing around this day feels strange to me, and I
really hate it. It makes me feel like disappearing in
this one week in February. What can I do to
feel less disturbed as the holiday approaches, As I'm pretty
confident I won't be getting a boyfriend between now and then.
(09:31):
Without denying that you might prefer to have a boyfriend
at this time and even considering an action plan to
going on some more dates or socializing with more potential dates,
it is important to realize that love does take many forms,
and this holiday has to do with love, not just
(09:52):
love of a boy. You likely have love in your
life in the form of family and friends, because you
say that most of the year. This doesn't bother you.
Honoring a loving relationship by spending time together, giving a
gift or a card that says in words how much
you care for them isn't relegated to boyfriend love, so
(10:16):
prioritize your other loving relationships. Have a pink themed tea
with a girlfriend, Get some red cocktail with a sister.
Focusing on the ways love fills your life with people
you trust and value will remind you how much you
have and how fulfilling that is. In addition, the person
(10:41):
you need to love above all others is yourself, So
treat yourself to an extra dollop of self love on
Valentine's Day. Make yourself a pink bubble bath, have a
special dessert treat for yourself, Choose a funny movie or
a delightful book that you've wanted to read, and treasure
(11:02):
yourself this Valentine's Day. Self love is invaluable and we
all need to be reminded how much we care for ourselves.
I hope that was helpful. Back in a moment with
some tips for enjoying a non partnered up Valentine's Day.
(11:29):
Back with some more suggestions. Valentine's Day can be fun
for singles too, if you have the right attitude. Get
with your girlfriends. Girlfriends love you too. Go out to
lunch or dinner with a group of great friends and
(11:50):
buy each other little treats, some chocolates, a few flowers.
It feels great to know your friends really care and
getting candy or flowers from anyone who thought to do
it is fun treat yourself. It's always nice to get
flowers or get a little gift, But who says it
has to come from someone else who knows better what
(12:13):
you like than you. Save up a little and get
yourself something that makes you feel special, pretty indulged. Knowing
that you can meet your own needs and don't have
to depend on someone else is a great feeling all
year long. Try throwing a bring your guy friend party.
(12:36):
Have a party and ask every girlfriend to bring one
guy who she isn't attached to or even interested in.
This keeps a good ratio and an interesting crowd. Valentine's
Day can be a great day to start a budding romance,
so make it fun by decorating and even considering a
game or two to break the ice. Think about handling
(13:00):
these mean girls who are bringing up and perhaps putting
in your face that they have something that they think
you don't have. Some women never grow up and they
still need to competitively show off to make themselves feel
like they are better than you, which is really a
reflection of their own terrible insecurity. It's not pleasant when
(13:21):
you are the recipient who is taking you out for
Valentine's Day, let me tell you all about my romantic evening,
and yet strangling her is against the law, So what
do you do? Truthfully, if you feel okay about being single,
then it probably won't bother you very much, and you
(13:42):
can answer briefly so as to not encourage further discussion.
If you are very unhappy, humor is a great way
to both deflect the attack and yet diffuse the tensions,
something like well, so many men, so little time, I
haven't to say yet, or I can't discuss my night
(14:03):
in mixed company, or even I'm saving myself for Brad Pitt.
The point is you aren't taking their bait, and most importantly,
celebrate your independence. Before you can really feel great in
any relationship, you really have to be able to feel
great on your own. Being with someone because you are
(14:26):
terrified of being on your own is truly a lousy reason.
Showing yourself that you can enjoy your own company, that
you can be very capable and enjoy life on your own,
will create a confidence that allows you to choose a
healthy relationship later, rather than rushing into a desperate need
(14:47):
to have someone else make you happy. Do you have
a problem I can help with If so, email me
at how Can I Help at Senecawomen dot com. Centers
remain anonymous and listen every Friday to how can I
Help with me? Doctor Gale Saltz
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, the psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Being single during a
time in your life when you wish you were part
of a couple can be very difficult. You may feel
extra lonely and frustrated on holidays because there are times
when you think about being with someone you love. But
(00:49):
no holiday can make you feel lousy about being a single,
unfortunately more than Valentine's Day, especially when someone less than
sensitive a girlfriend, asks you, what are you doing for
Valentine's Day? So today I'm answering a question from a
single listener who sounds like she is dreading the big day.
(01:12):
When you were little, you hoped for cute Valentine cards
from girlfriends and boy admirers. Maybe your parents even got
you a Valentine or a flower to let you know
how loved and how special you are to them. Then,
as an adolescent, you hoped and prayed that some boy
would present you with something so you could feel perhaps attractive,
(01:34):
and maybe even imagine being really together and in love
one day. By the time you are an adult, Valentine's
Day has been built up and exaggerated as the day
you snuggle and romance your special someone. So when you
don't happen to have a special someone around, it can
really shake your confidence. Am I attractive? Am I lovable?
(01:58):
Will anyone ever want me? Am? I? Destined? To be alone?
As if one day in your life could possibly reflect
so much about you as a person and the rest
of your life. Yet, somehow, for many, the loneliness and
fear of never finding someone can send you into a
tailspin at this time of year. Unfortunately, a lot of
(02:22):
women crawl into a shell as a means of dealing
with feeling crummy. The more they isolate themselves, generally speaking,
the worse they feel. So really, I'm urging you, don't
take this so seriously. This is a hallmark holiday. Don't
bury yourself in your work to the exclusion of all else. Well,
(02:47):
it's great to love your work and be enthusiastic, it's
not great to use it to step out of the
social world. Don't use Valentine's Day as a way to
rebound into an old and bad relationship because you feel alone. Sometimes,
in order to avoid the painful feelings, women will frantically
(03:07):
grasp the nearest available man, including the guy they already
broke up with, because it wasn't a good relationship for them.
This will only bring you further heartache and delay getting
back out there to find a better match for you.
For yourself, the difficulty of being alone on Valentine's Day
(03:28):
varies from person to person. For some, the societal expectation
and the cultural emphasis on romantic relationships during this holiday
contributes to feelings of loneliness or even inadequacy if they're
not in a romantic relationship. The media, the advertisements, and
the general atmosphere can make it seem like everyone is
(03:51):
celebrating with a partner, which of course is not true
and may amplify feelings of isolation for those without one.
It's true humans are social beings and many value connection
and companionship. Valentine's Day is traditionally this celebration of love,
(04:12):
and it may accentuate the desire for meaningful connections which
leads to this sense of loneliness if one feels this
is missing in their life. But it also means that
people are forgetting that connections come in many sizes, shapes,
and packages. Of course, individuals have different perspectives on Valentine's Day.
(04:34):
Some people may not find being alone during this time
challenging at all. People often find ways to enjoy the
day solo or with friends, focusing on self love and
appreciation rather than solely on romantic relationships. What is focusing
on self love entail well? Replacing negative thoughts with positive affirmations,
(05:01):
reminding yourself of your strengths, of your achievements, and of
your positive qualities, and repeating those things to yourself on
a regular basis. Developing a self care routine that includes
activities you enjoy. This could be taking a warm bath,
reading a book, practicing meditation, or engaging in hobbies that
(05:24):
bring you joy. Learning to say no when it's necessary,
and setting healthy boundaries with other people is definitely self love.
Prioritizing your well being and make choices that align with
your values. Nurturing your body by eating nourishing foods and
(05:45):
exercising regularly, and getting enough sleep, taking care of your
physical health is a fundamental aspect of self love. The
practice of mindfulness to stay present in the moment and
meditation to calm your mind, to reduce your stress, and
to foster a sense of inner peace. Always acknowledge and
(06:08):
celebrate your accomplishments, even the small ones. This boosts your
confidence and reinforces a positive self image. Understand that everyone
makes mistakes, so the quicker you can forgive yourself for
a past mistake and use it as an opportunity for
growth and learning, the more you can love yourself. Try
(06:33):
to choose being around people who uplift you and support you.
Creating this kind of positive environment gives you a better
sense of well being. Another form of self love is
actually cultivating gratitude By regularly expressing thanks for the positive
aspects of your life. This can help shift your focus
(06:56):
from what you're lacking to what you appreciate. Treating yourself
with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer
to a friend who is facing a challenge. This practice
of self compassion in moments of difficulty is definitely self love.
Set goals for yourself for personal development, and invest time
(07:19):
in activities that help you grow and help you feel
fulfilled and remember that spending time alone doing activities you
enjoy is not loneliness. This can help you develop a
positive relationship with yourself. Basically, learn to enjoy your own
(07:41):
company and also learn to speak back to your own
negative self talk. Challenge those thoughts, replace them with positive
and constructive perspectives, and take time for self reflection, checking
in to ask yourself, how do I feel, what do
(08:03):
I need? And make adjustments to try to practice self
care on the daily. Self love is an ongoing process,
and it's okay to prioritize yourself. Embracing self love leads
to greater resilience and better mental well being, as well
as a more positive outlook on life. So with that,
(08:29):
let's get to my listener's question and ask how can
I help dear doctor Saltz. I am thirty three years
old and it will be yet another year for me
where I have no partner, no boyfriend, no romantic love
person in my life. While this does tend to bother
(08:49):
me all year round, it particularly bothers me around Valentine's Day.
It seems like all the emphasis is on having a
romantic partner and doing romantic things with them, which just
accentuates my feeling sad about not having someone in my life.
I'm not actually lonely in general, so this feeling of
(09:10):
longing around this day feels strange to me, and I
really hate it. It makes me feel like disappearing in
this one week in February. What can I do to
feel less disturbed as the holiday approaches, As I'm pretty
confident I won't be getting a boyfriend between now and then.
(09:31):
Without denying that you might prefer to have a boyfriend
at this time and even considering an action plan to
going on some more dates or socializing with more potential dates,
it is important to realize that love does take many forms,
and this holiday has to do with love, not just
(09:52):
love of a boy. You likely have love in your
life in the form of family and friends, because you
say that most of the year. This doesn't bother you.
Honoring a loving relationship by spending time together, giving a
gift or a card that says in words how much
you care for them isn't relegated to boyfriend love, so
(10:16):
prioritize your other loving relationships. Have a pink themed tea
with a girlfriend, Get some red cocktail with a sister.
Focusing on the ways love fills your life with people
you trust and value will remind you how much you
have and how fulfilling that is. In addition, the person
(10:41):
you need to love above all others is yourself, So
treat yourself to an extra dollop of self love on
Valentine's Day. Make yourself a pink bubble bath, have a
special dessert treat for yourself, Choose a funny movie or
a delightful book that you've wanted to read, and treasure
(11:02):
yourself this Valentine's Day. Self love is invaluable and we
all need to be reminded how much we care for ourselves.
I hope that was helpful. Back in a moment with
some tips for enjoying a non partnered up Valentine's Day.
(11:29):
Back with some more suggestions. Valentine's Day can be fun
for singles too, if you have the right attitude. Get
with your girlfriends. Girlfriends love you too. Go out to
lunch or dinner with a group of great friends and
(11:50):
buy each other little treats, some chocolates, a few flowers.
It feels great to know your friends really care and
getting candy or flowers from anyone who thought to do
it is fun treat yourself. It's always nice to get
flowers or get a little gift, But who says it
has to come from someone else who knows better what
(12:13):
you like than you. Save up a little and get
yourself something that makes you feel special, pretty indulged. Knowing
that you can meet your own needs and don't have
to depend on someone else is a great feeling all
year long. Try throwing a bring your guy friend party.
(12:36):
Have a party and ask every girlfriend to bring one
guy who she isn't attached to or even interested in.
This keeps a good ratio and an interesting crowd. Valentine's
Day can be a great day to start a budding romance,
so make it fun by decorating and even considering a
game or two to break the ice. Think about handling
(13:00):
these mean girls who are bringing up and perhaps putting
in your face that they have something that they think
you don't have. Some women never grow up and they
still need to competitively show off to make themselves feel
like they are better than you, which is really a
reflection of their own terrible insecurity. It's not pleasant when
(13:21):
you are the recipient who is taking you out for
Valentine's Day, let me tell you all about my romantic evening,
and yet strangling her is against the law, So what
do you do? Truthfully, if you feel okay about being single,
then it probably won't bother you very much, and you
(13:42):
can answer briefly so as to not encourage further discussion.
If you are very unhappy, humor is a great way
to both deflect the attack and yet diffuse the tensions,
something like well, so many men, so little time, I
haven't to say yet, or I can't discuss my night
(14:03):
in mixed company, or even I'm saving myself for Brad Pitt.
The point is you aren't taking their bait, and most importantly,
celebrate your independence. Before you can really feel great in
any relationship, you really have to be able to feel
great on your own. Being with someone because you are
(14:26):
terrified of being on your own is truly a lousy reason.
Showing yourself that you can enjoy your own company, that
you can be very capable and enjoy life on your own,
will create a confidence that allows you to choose a
healthy relationship later, rather than rushing into a desperate need
(14:47):
to have someone else make you happy. Do you have
a problem I can help with If so, email me
at how Can I Help at Senecawomen dot com. Centers
remain anonymous and listen every Friday to how can I
Help with me? Doctor Gale Saltz
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com