December 16, 2022 • 16 mins
This time of year can leave us particularly vulnerable to feelings of loneliness and social isolation. A listener who just broke up with her boyfriend gets great advice from Dr. Saltz—and the doctor's tips can do wonders for anyone who’s experiencing the holiday blues.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I help? I'm doctor
Gale Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. The holiday season is
upon us. For some, that means cherishing time with family
and friends, but for many, especially those who feel emotionally
distant or isolated from others, it's a time of year
(00:49):
that might leave them feeling particularly vulnerable to feelings of loneliness.
On top of that, the COVID nineteen pandemic has changed
how many of us interact with each other and how
we experience celebrations, making the holiday season potentially even more
(01:09):
challenging and feelings of loneliness more common. A recent survey
found that seventy of people in the United States reported
feeling various degrees of loneliness heading into last year's holiday season,
with more than ten reporting extreme loneliness. So today I'm
(01:34):
answering a question from someone who is wondering about how
to handle loneliness around the holidays. The loneliness is common,
how and why people experience it really varies. Some people
live a happy and healthy life with minimal social interaction
(01:56):
and really don't feel lonely, while others might have contact
with family and friends and still feel lonely. Loneliness is
really more based on feeling particularly intimate and connected with
(02:16):
at least another person, somebody that you can really share
your thoughts and feelings with, and if that is lacking
in your life, that is what's more likely to lead
to loneliness. Many other factors, like isolation left over due
to the pandemic, the loss of a loved one, and
(02:40):
even the winter weather can increase feelings of loneliness, particularly
around these holidays. Those who live alone, the elderly, and
people grieving tend to experience loneliness more than other people.
Surprising groups of people have seen a rise in loneliness,
(03:04):
particularly young adults in their late teens and early twenties. Loneliness,
when it's happening impacts our ability to socially function. Lonely
people often develop what's called defensive coping mechanism that makes
(03:24):
it difficult for them to create new connections with others
or deepen the ones that they have already. It's natural
if you're suffering from loneliness to become self protective and
make an effort to avoid any situation that could expose
you to further rejection. Furthermore, the rejection lonely people already
(03:47):
feel often causes them to have pessimistic and defeatist outlooks
and to be skeptical as to whether other people are
really interested in them or care about them. As a result,
lonely people are likely to be reluctant to reach out
and initiate contact with friends and acquaintances, and therefore may
(04:12):
have nowhere to go when the holiday comes around, and
then feel even more desperate and alone. Overall, the number
of various age groups of people who feel lonely has
risen so much that loneliness is now considered a public
(04:33):
health problem deserving of psychological and medical attention. Feelings of
loneliness can severely negatively impact your physical as well as
your mental well being, and it can put you at
risk of developing particularly unhealthy habits. Researchers have done studies
(04:55):
looking at loneliness and social isolation and found it to
be as damaging to one's physical health of smoking fifteen
cigarettes a day. Even our thoughts and feelings can be
triggers for loneliness, but particularly around the holidays, both pleasant
(05:16):
sentimental memories as well as the ones that are far
more difficult to process, Especially during a time when emotions
are heightened, Holiday triggers can remind people of longings that
they have, for example, for a partner, for a child,
for a particular career, for different friends. It doesn't help
(05:41):
that many people are also adjusting to colder weather, fewer
hours of daylight, and changes in their routine. For someone
who experiences loneliness during the holidays, the constant barrage of commercials, decorations,
and posts on social media saying basically, hey, it's the
(06:04):
most wonderful time of the year and it's supposed to
look like this can make things feel worse. We compare
ourselves to those around us, but also to how we
imagine others are spending the holidays, how the holidays are
portrayed in movies or in television. Or we may be
(06:28):
trying to recreate experiences from our childhood that have that
tinge of magic, which isn't realistic. But feels like it
should be so, then in comparison to all of this,
this year can seem depressing. These comparisons then often lead
(06:49):
to negative self evaluations. If you measure your own possibly
sad situation against what you think you are seeing everyone
else having, even if it's staged like Facebook photos or
Instagram pictures of a family happily baking cookies together, or
(07:10):
to be honest, any Hallmark holiday movie, you may feel
what is wrong with me and feel even more isolated
and lonely. Whatever is triggering this, it's important to really
acknowledge the dynamics in your life that may be influencing
your particular feelings of loneliness and to take small steps
(07:35):
to protect your mental well being by doing something active
about feeling lonely. So with that, right after the break,
we'll get to my listeners question. Welcome back. Let's get
(08:01):
to my listeners question and see how can I help,
dear doctor Saults. I recently broke up with a long
term boyfriend, which has already been pretty depressing, but as
the holidays approach, I am really feeling painfully alone. My
(08:21):
family is far away, and while I have some friends,
I still feel very lonely. I keep seeing everyone around
me with their person ice skating or drinking hot chocolate together,
and it's just really accentuating feeling lonely and sad. I
feel like I just want to close my eyes and
(08:43):
wake up in January? How can I manage to this
time without feeling so lonely. Breaking up with a long
term partner is sad, and actually it's really quite normal
to read the loss of this relationship. Even if you
(09:03):
are the one who did the breaking up. It's still
a loss and a change and a person who you
were close with and confided in who is no longer
in your life, and that can make you feel somewhat
lonely in the short term at any time of year.
(09:24):
But add to that the romantic pictures that you're seeing
or even have in your head about many holiday things, movies, memories,
social media. What you're observing, it is likely you are
especially zeroing in on the most romantic of them, specifically
(09:45):
because you are sad about your breakup and are drawn
to seeing what you are missing. You know, the old
cliche of breaking up and then sitting in your room
and listening to love songs and crying over and over again,
you're kind of doing a form of that. There are,
of course, many other visions of the holidays, and now
(10:09):
would be a good time to purposely and actively focus
on some of those others, things like making specific plans
with some of your friends in order to intensify those relationships,
to feel more connected to those friends and to speak
more deeply with them. Make some of those plans holiday related,
(10:32):
like as you mentioned, going ice skating with them and
drinking hot chocolate with them, asking them to go caroling,
or shopping for some gifts together. Plan ahead now of
a place to spend the holidays. It's really important to
ahead of time ask people around you what are you
(10:54):
doing for the holidays. This is because they will then
ask you back, and and you say I don't have
a particular plan, someone, or more than someone will likely
invite you to join them. Take them up on that,
Call your family and talk with them about how you're feeling.
(11:16):
They may be physically far, but speaking with them will
still help you to feel more connected and less lonely.
Social support makes a big difference in loneliness. Consider making
a plan to do something else that gets you out
of this space in your mind, like volunteering to help
(11:38):
those less fortunate at this time of year, for a
coach drop or serving in a soup kitchen, helping others
with other people who are helping others can really change
your perspective. I might also say, though, that when you
lose a long term boyfriend, it is really painful, and
(12:01):
sometimes that loss turns into feeling depressed. It may be
that speaking to a therapist about how you are processing
this loss would really help you. Having nothing to do
with the holiday season, but just so that you can
really work out managing this ending and moving on to
(12:21):
perhaps meeting someone new and to feeling better. I hope
that was helpful. First and foremost, remember actually, you're not alone.
It is common and it is okay to feel isolated
during the holidays. You really are not alone. You may
(12:45):
long to be with family but can't, or you may
mourn loved ones or past relationships, but talking to others
who share your feelings, whether it's via the Internet or
the phone or in person, can help you examine where
your emotions stem from and make you feel less alone
in your situation. If you feel uncomfortable and are burdened
(13:08):
by feelings of loneliness, and finding it a challenge to
deal with. Then you might want to consider talking to
a mental health professional about how you feel. Do reach
out to the people around you. Make it a priority
to work on those relationships with other people, even exchanging
friendly words with neighbors or co workers, writing holiday cards
(13:32):
to people that you love, calling or video chatting old acquaintances,
going to a holiday event like an office party. Connecting
with others strengthens bonds and can help you to feel
less lonely. And engaging and fun or exciting activities with
(13:54):
someone you've asked to join you will also distract you
from your negative thoughts and allow you to focus on
building a more supportive network. Also, think about and build
up your self care, taking time to implement healthy habits
like exercising, getting enough sleep, eating in a healthy way,
(14:17):
and engaging in activities that you enjoy. It could be
reading a good book, taking a warm bath, could be
learning something new, or spending more time doing a favorite hobby.
Self care habits will keep you entertained and boost your mood.
(14:37):
Important is to redefine your expectations. Many people have especially
high expectations for this time of year, and as I've
been saying popular culture portraits the holiday season as synonymous
was spending time with your close family, friends, and romantic partners.
But no matter what culture seems to be tell telling
(15:00):
you that's simply not true for everyone, and that's okay.
Focus on the good things that you do have in
your life instead of comparing yourself to how you think
others are spending the holidays, and think about giving back
to your community. Volunteering to support a cause you believe
(15:21):
in is a great way to feel less lonely during
the holidays or any other time for that matter. Helping
other people who are less fortunate can remind you of
all that you do have to be grateful for and
leave you with a sense of love and admiration for yourself.
(15:41):
Soup kitchens, animal shelters, senior assisted living homes, organizations like
Toys for Tots are all good volunteer options this time
of year. You can reach out to neighbors or friends
who are having a hard time and help them. These
experiences help cultivate gratitude, which can really boost your mood
(16:06):
and make you feel better about your situation. Do you
have a problem I can help with? If so, email
me yet, how can I help at Seneca women dot Com.
All centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too. How
can I help with me Doctor Gale's Salts
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I help? I'm doctor
Gale Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. The holiday season is
upon us. For some, that means cherishing time with family
and friends, but for many, especially those who feel emotionally
distant or isolated from others, it's a time of year
(00:49):
that might leave them feeling particularly vulnerable to feelings of loneliness.
On top of that, the COVID nineteen pandemic has changed
how many of us interact with each other and how
we experience celebrations, making the holiday season potentially even more
(01:09):
challenging and feelings of loneliness more common. A recent survey
found that seventy of people in the United States reported
feeling various degrees of loneliness heading into last year's holiday season,
with more than ten reporting extreme loneliness. So today I'm
(01:34):
answering a question from someone who is wondering about how
to handle loneliness around the holidays. The loneliness is common,
how and why people experience it really varies. Some people
live a happy and healthy life with minimal social interaction
(01:56):
and really don't feel lonely, while others might have contact
with family and friends and still feel lonely. Loneliness is
really more based on feeling particularly intimate and connected with
(02:16):
at least another person, somebody that you can really share
your thoughts and feelings with, and if that is lacking
in your life, that is what's more likely to lead
to loneliness. Many other factors, like isolation left over due
to the pandemic, the loss of a loved one, and
(02:40):
even the winter weather can increase feelings of loneliness, particularly
around these holidays. Those who live alone, the elderly, and
people grieving tend to experience loneliness more than other people.
Surprising groups of people have seen a rise in loneliness,
(03:04):
particularly young adults in their late teens and early twenties. Loneliness,
when it's happening impacts our ability to socially function. Lonely
people often develop what's called defensive coping mechanism that makes
(03:24):
it difficult for them to create new connections with others
or deepen the ones that they have already. It's natural
if you're suffering from loneliness to become self protective and
make an effort to avoid any situation that could expose
you to further rejection. Furthermore, the rejection lonely people already
(03:47):
feel often causes them to have pessimistic and defeatist outlooks
and to be skeptical as to whether other people are
really interested in them or care about them. As a result,
lonely people are likely to be reluctant to reach out
and initiate contact with friends and acquaintances, and therefore may
(04:12):
have nowhere to go when the holiday comes around, and
then feel even more desperate and alone. Overall, the number
of various age groups of people who feel lonely has
risen so much that loneliness is now considered a public
(04:33):
health problem deserving of psychological and medical attention. Feelings of
loneliness can severely negatively impact your physical as well as
your mental well being, and it can put you at
risk of developing particularly unhealthy habits. Researchers have done studies
(04:55):
looking at loneliness and social isolation and found it to
be as damaging to one's physical health of smoking fifteen
cigarettes a day. Even our thoughts and feelings can be
triggers for loneliness, but particularly around the holidays, both pleasant
(05:16):
sentimental memories as well as the ones that are far
more difficult to process, Especially during a time when emotions
are heightened, Holiday triggers can remind people of longings that
they have, for example, for a partner, for a child,
for a particular career, for different friends. It doesn't help
(05:41):
that many people are also adjusting to colder weather, fewer
hours of daylight, and changes in their routine. For someone
who experiences loneliness during the holidays, the constant barrage of commercials, decorations,
and posts on social media saying basically, hey, it's the
(06:04):
most wonderful time of the year and it's supposed to
look like this can make things feel worse. We compare
ourselves to those around us, but also to how we
imagine others are spending the holidays, how the holidays are
portrayed in movies or in television. Or we may be
(06:28):
trying to recreate experiences from our childhood that have that
tinge of magic, which isn't realistic. But feels like it
should be so, then in comparison to all of this,
this year can seem depressing. These comparisons then often lead
(06:49):
to negative self evaluations. If you measure your own possibly
sad situation against what you think you are seeing everyone
else having, even if it's staged like Facebook photos or
Instagram pictures of a family happily baking cookies together, or
(07:10):
to be honest, any Hallmark holiday movie, you may feel
what is wrong with me and feel even more isolated
and lonely. Whatever is triggering this, it's important to really
acknowledge the dynamics in your life that may be influencing
your particular feelings of loneliness and to take small steps
(07:35):
to protect your mental well being by doing something active
about feeling lonely. So with that, right after the break,
we'll get to my listeners question. Welcome back. Let's get
(08:01):
to my listeners question and see how can I help,
dear doctor Saults. I recently broke up with a long
term boyfriend, which has already been pretty depressing, but as
the holidays approach, I am really feeling painfully alone. My
(08:21):
family is far away, and while I have some friends,
I still feel very lonely. I keep seeing everyone around
me with their person ice skating or drinking hot chocolate together,
and it's just really accentuating feeling lonely and sad. I
feel like I just want to close my eyes and
(08:43):
wake up in January? How can I manage to this
time without feeling so lonely. Breaking up with a long
term partner is sad, and actually it's really quite normal
to read the loss of this relationship. Even if you
(09:03):
are the one who did the breaking up. It's still
a loss and a change and a person who you
were close with and confided in who is no longer
in your life, and that can make you feel somewhat
lonely in the short term at any time of year.
(09:24):
But add to that the romantic pictures that you're seeing
or even have in your head about many holiday things, movies, memories,
social media. What you're observing, it is likely you are
especially zeroing in on the most romantic of them, specifically
(09:45):
because you are sad about your breakup and are drawn
to seeing what you are missing. You know, the old
cliche of breaking up and then sitting in your room
and listening to love songs and crying over and over again,
you're kind of doing a form of that. There are,
of course, many other visions of the holidays, and now
(10:09):
would be a good time to purposely and actively focus
on some of those others, things like making specific plans
with some of your friends in order to intensify those relationships,
to feel more connected to those friends and to speak
more deeply with them. Make some of those plans holiday related,
(10:32):
like as you mentioned, going ice skating with them and
drinking hot chocolate with them, asking them to go caroling,
or shopping for some gifts together. Plan ahead now of
a place to spend the holidays. It's really important to
ahead of time ask people around you what are you
(10:54):
doing for the holidays. This is because they will then
ask you back, and and you say I don't have
a particular plan, someone, or more than someone will likely
invite you to join them. Take them up on that,
Call your family and talk with them about how you're feeling.
(11:16):
They may be physically far, but speaking with them will
still help you to feel more connected and less lonely.
Social support makes a big difference in loneliness. Consider making
a plan to do something else that gets you out
of this space in your mind, like volunteering to help
(11:38):
those less fortunate at this time of year, for a
coach drop or serving in a soup kitchen, helping others
with other people who are helping others can really change
your perspective. I might also say, though, that when you
lose a long term boyfriend, it is really painful, and
(12:01):
sometimes that loss turns into feeling depressed. It may be
that speaking to a therapist about how you are processing
this loss would really help you. Having nothing to do
with the holiday season, but just so that you can
really work out managing this ending and moving on to
(12:21):
perhaps meeting someone new and to feeling better. I hope
that was helpful. First and foremost, remember actually, you're not alone.
It is common and it is okay to feel isolated
during the holidays. You really are not alone. You may
(12:45):
long to be with family but can't, or you may
mourn loved ones or past relationships, but talking to others
who share your feelings, whether it's via the Internet or
the phone or in person, can help you examine where
your emotions stem from and make you feel less alone
in your situation. If you feel uncomfortable and are burdened
(13:08):
by feelings of loneliness, and finding it a challenge to
deal with. Then you might want to consider talking to
a mental health professional about how you feel. Do reach
out to the people around you. Make it a priority
to work on those relationships with other people, even exchanging
friendly words with neighbors or co workers, writing holiday cards
(13:32):
to people that you love, calling or video chatting old acquaintances,
going to a holiday event like an office party. Connecting
with others strengthens bonds and can help you to feel
less lonely. And engaging and fun or exciting activities with
(13:54):
someone you've asked to join you will also distract you
from your negative thoughts and allow you to focus on
building a more supportive network. Also, think about and build
up your self care, taking time to implement healthy habits
like exercising, getting enough sleep, eating in a healthy way,
(14:17):
and engaging in activities that you enjoy. It could be
reading a good book, taking a warm bath, could be
learning something new, or spending more time doing a favorite hobby.
Self care habits will keep you entertained and boost your mood.
(14:37):
Important is to redefine your expectations. Many people have especially
high expectations for this time of year, and as I've
been saying popular culture portraits the holiday season as synonymous
was spending time with your close family, friends, and romantic partners.
But no matter what culture seems to be tell telling
(15:00):
you that's simply not true for everyone, and that's okay.
Focus on the good things that you do have in
your life instead of comparing yourself to how you think
others are spending the holidays, and think about giving back
to your community. Volunteering to support a cause you believe
(15:21):
in is a great way to feel less lonely during
the holidays or any other time for that matter. Helping
other people who are less fortunate can remind you of
all that you do have to be grateful for and
leave you with a sense of love and admiration for yourself.
(15:41):
Soup kitchens, animal shelters, senior assisted living homes, organizations like
Toys for Tots are all good volunteer options this time
of year. You can reach out to neighbors or friends
who are having a hard time and help them. These
experiences help cultivate gratitude, which can really boost your mood
(16:06):
and make you feel better about your situation. Do you
have a problem I can help with? If so, email
me yet, how can I help at Seneca women dot Com.
All centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too. How
can I help with me Doctor Gale's Salts
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