Valentine Day’s Blues—and How to Cure Them

“Where’s my champagne and strawberries?”  If you’re asking yourself that question—either because you’re solo or because your partner thinks a toaster is a romantic gift—Dr. Saltz has great advice on how to save the day.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,

(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Being single during a
time in your life when you wish you were part
of a couple can be very difficult. You may feel
extra lonely and frustrated on holidays because there are times
when you think about being with someone you love, but

(00:49):
few holidays can make you feel lousy about being a
single more than Valentine's Day, especially when some less sensitive
friend asks you, what are you doing for Valentine's Day today?
I'm answering the question from someone anticipating feeling crummy on
Valentine's Day. When you were little, you hoped for cute

(01:14):
Valentine's cards from friends and perhaps admirers. Maybe your parents
even got you a Valentine or a flower to let
you know how loved and special you are to them. Then,
as an adolescent, you hoped and prayed that some peer
would present you with something so you could feel attractive
and maybe even imagine being really together and in love

(01:37):
one day. By the time you were an adult, Valentine's
Day has been built up and exaggerated as the day
you snuggle and romance your someone special. So when you
don't happen to have a special someone around, it can
really shake your confidence. Am I attractive? Am I lovable? Well?

(01:59):
Anyone ever want me? Am I destined to be alone? Forever?
As if one day in your life could possibly reflect
so much about you as a person and the rest
of your life. Yet somehow, for many, the loneliness and
fear of never finding someone can send you into a

(02:19):
tailspin at this time of year. Unfortunately, a lot of
women crawl into a shell as a means of dealing
with feeling crumby. The more they isolate themselves, generally speaking,
the worst they feel. So don't bury yourself in your
work to the exclusion of all else. While it's great

(02:42):
to love your work and be enthusiastic, it's not great
to use it to step out of the social world. Also,
don't rebound into an old and bad relationship sometimes in
order to avoid the painful feelings, Women will frantically grasps
the nearest available guy, including the one they already broke

(03:05):
up with, because it wasn't a good relationship for them.
This will only bring you further heartache and delay getting
back out there to find a better match for you. Alternatively,
the only thing lonelier than being alone is feeling alone
with someone else. Having a holiday that seems like it's

(03:27):
supposed to make you appreciate your intimacy with a partner
when it doesn't can also feel bad. Are you already
getting angry and depressed at the thought of another Valentine's
Day that your partner either forgets or buys you a
toaster for? Are you sick of pining for a really

(03:47):
romantic holiday because your guy just doesn't get it. Really,
you're not alone. Many women long for romance but are
with a man who loves her, but us doesn't have
a clue when it comes to being romantic. Generally speaking,
women's sexual fantasies tend to be filled with more romantic

(04:09):
interludes than do men's. Women find a candlelit bubble bath
or spontaneous picnic at dusk to be a great way
to get in the mood sexually as well as a
way to express and share their love. This desire for
romance often begins in girlhood, when the thought of Prince

(04:31):
Charming rescuing his princess by sweeping her into his arms
and riding away into the beautiful sunset is totally entrancing. Boys,
and later men's sexual fantasies tend to be a bit
more outright sex without all those romantic frills. So it

(04:51):
isn't that he doesn't love you every bit as much
as you love him. It is really that it doesn't
occur to him to plan romance tick things because his
expression of love might not include this kind of prey league.
In addition, some men have a harder time expressing their

(05:11):
deeper emotional feelings and fear feeling vulnerable if they do so.
Now that you know why, that's good, But this doesn't
mean that you're stuck with it. Most women stuck in
the situation never say anything to their guy. They think

(05:31):
it won't help anyway. They are afraid too of expressing
their desire for romance and being rejected in some way
or maybe embarrassed by it. They think it's only romantic
if it's a surprise, or if it came totally from him,
they think if I have to ask, then it's not

(05:52):
very romantic. All of these excuses prevent women from improving
the situation ation, and they leave men digging themselves a
deeper and deeper hole unfairly romance, like most things, can
be taught. We all learned things by someone telling us

(06:16):
how it works, why it works, showing us how they
do it, and then offering positive reinforcement for doing it ourselves.
So with that, let's get to our listeners question and
see how can I help, Dear doctor Saltz. I would

(06:39):
really like to be in a serious relationship, but I
have just not found that right person yet. This bothers
me on many days. But with Valentine's Day coming up,
I am especially reminded that it will be yet another
Valentine's Day without a special person in my life, and
this really makes me sad. Last year, I felt like

(07:02):
crying my way through Valentine's Day. Between the pandemic and
at being even more difficult to date, I really felt upset.
I don't want to feel as down this year if
I can avoid it. What can I feel to not
feel as miserable. Understanding which aspect of not being coupled

(07:23):
up made you miserable would be a first step to
dealing with it. Was it that you felt genuinely lonely,
or was it more that you felt failed in some
ideal of what you think your relationship status should be.
Or perhaps it was feeling that there is a developmental
milestone you haven't reached and you feel scared about if

(07:47):
and when you will. It could be something altogether different.
The point is addressing with yourself the why, which can
help you get to being constructive about it. Loneliness is,
for example, best hampled by growing the intimacy of any
relationships romantic or not, that you already have, being able

(08:14):
to connect more deeply and truly share your feelings with
a friend or family member. And here theirs is more
of an antidote to lonely feelings than finding a date.
Investing in that before the holiday can actually help with
those feelings on the holiday. How can I help with?

(08:37):
Doctor Gale Salts will be back after the short break
to return to my listener's question examining why you need
a partner in the first place and what list of
priorities you've been using to decide who to date and

(09:00):
why may help you come to a better understanding of
what at this juncture really matters to you the most.
Is it, and should it be how the outside world
views you in your estimation, or is it how you
really feel inside and what you actually create personally. Obviously

(09:23):
I'm voting for the latter, But often enough I see
people so consumed with what they think other people think
of them that it deeply limits who they will date
and get involved with. Think about this and changing your scope.
For example, many people are afraid to even set up

(09:45):
a first date for Valentine's Day because they think it
will look too desperate, But my question is too desperate
to who? Setting out to date someone who you've established
beforehand also really wants to find someone is often a
good first date. There is effort there, and then there

(10:08):
is less game playing. Alternatively, taking the emphasis off of
romantic love for the holiday of Love and going with love.
Any kind of love can help that day, so arranging
to spend the evening with one or more people that
you love and celebrate that love with them. It doesn't

(10:29):
have to be romantic. Also give some thought to self love.
What do you love about yourself. How can you show
yourself some love on this day? Get yourself some flowers,
a special something, have a nice bubble bath, read a
book you've been wanting to read. Treat yourself specially this day,

(10:54):
because the most important love is really the love of ourselves.
It's hard to be in a loving relationship if you
don't first and foremost love yourself. So having an evening
to remind yourself that you do and why is in
an evening well spent. The point of the recognition of

(11:14):
love is to value the emotion in any way that
you are experiencing it and sharing it. I hope that
was helpful. Valentine's Day can be fun for singles if
you have the right attitude, So get with your girlfriends.
Girlfriends love you too. Go out to lunch, your dinner

(11:36):
with a group of great friends and buy each other
little treats, some chocolates, a few flowers. It feels great
to know your friends really care, and getting candy or
flowers from anyone who thought to do it is fun.
Treat yourself. It's always nice to get flowers or get
a little gift, But who says it has to come

(11:58):
from someone else? Who knows better than you what you like.
Save up a little and get yourself something that makes
you feel special or pretty and indulged. Knowing that you
can meet your own needs and don't have to depend
on someone else is actually a great feeling all your

(12:19):
long institute a bring your guy friend party. Have a
party and ask every girlfriend to bring one guy to
whom she isn't attached and isn't interested. This keeps a
good ratio and an interesting crowd. Valentine's Day can be
a great day to start a budding romance, so make

(12:40):
it fun by decorating and even consider a game or
two to break the ice. Some women never grow up
and still need to competitively show off to make themselves
feel like they're better than you, which is really, if
you think about it, a reflection of their own terrible insecurity.
It's not pleasant, nonetheless, when you are the recipient. So

(13:04):
those questions who is taking you out for Valentine's Day?
Let me tell you about my romantic evening, even when
you're feeling single and not so comfortable, and yet strangling
her is certainly against the law, So what do you do? Truthfully,
if you feel okay about being single, then it probably

(13:25):
won't bother you very much, and you can answer briefly
so as not to encourage further discussion. But if you
are very unhappy, humor is a great way to both
deflect the attack and yet diffuse the tensions. So something
like well, so many men, so little time, I haven't
decided yet, or I can't discuss my night in mixed company,

(13:49):
or even I'm saving myself for Brad Pitt. The point
is you aren't taking their bait. Celebrate your independence if
or you can really feel great in any relationship, you
really have to be able to feel great on your own.
Being with someone because you are terrified of being on

(14:10):
your own is truly allows you reason. Showing yourself that
you can enjoy your own company, can be very capable
and enjoy life on your own will create a confidence
that allows you to choose a healthy relationship later, rather
than rushing into a desperate need to have someone else

(14:31):
make you happy. But what if you have a partner
for Valentine's Day but you fear being very disappointed? Here
are a few suggestions ahead of time. Spell it out.
He isn't a mind reader, and so he may not
even know what your idea of romantic is if you

(14:52):
just say do something romantic, he won't know what you
would like, and so, feeling insecure, he might not do anything.
You could wind up with beer and pretzels in front
of a game. So tell him it would be really
romantic and I would love it if we could have
strawberries and champagne by candle light in some pretty new

(15:12):
robe that you get me if that's what really would
float your boat. When it comes to presents, it is
still very reasonable to tell him what you want, like
I think a bracelet would be so romantic, or I
just love turquoise stones, don't you. If you can't bear
to do it, though, try a little note on his

(15:33):
pillow saying I really love surprises, but I'm kind of
hoping for some earrings. If you trust a girlfriend to
do it, well, ask her to call him and tell
him you have been pining for something and it would
be a great gift for you. Don't ask for things
that are tough for him because they cost too much
or are hard to size. You're setting him up for failure.

(15:56):
Don't bring the kids into it, because they will feel
very responsible for your romantic happiness, and that is simply
not a good place to be. Think about being a
role model. By that, I mean be romantic yourself all
year long. If you want him to be too, Little
romantic gestures, go a long way, touch his face tenderly, spontaneously,

(16:22):
hug and kiss him while you're out, give him a
massage when he didn't ask, But little love notes in
his briefcase. Even reminiscing about wonderful times you've had together
is romantic. Enjoying it from you will help him reply
in kind. You are showing him what you want to

(16:44):
think about being revealing. When you are revealing about yourself,
it creates instant intimacy. One thing that is difficult about
romance is that it reveals your desire for it. So
try telling him something intimate about yourself and your feelings
and ask him then to tell you something. This will

(17:07):
make you feel more intimate and decrease his fears of romance.
It could be a sexual fantasy, something you like in bed,
just something that scares you or you've always dreamt of doing. Also,
dancing is a great way to be romantic and intimate

(17:28):
at the same time. And lastly, think about positive reinforcement.
He wants to love you and feel close to you.
He just needs to see that romancing you will further
his goals. So after you tell him what to do,
give him a lot of feedback for it. Tell him

(17:48):
how much you liked it, what a turn on it was,
how much you appreciate him doing it, and how you
really hope he does it again soon. Do you have
a problem I can help with? If so, email me yet?
How can I help? At Seneca women dot com. All
centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too. How can

(18:12):
I help with me? Doctor Gale's Salts