April 22, 2022 • 15 mins
Although the thought of their child dating may cause anxiety for parents, a little romance can allow young people to practice the attributes of a good relationship, like consent, kindness and respect. Dr. Saltz tells how to provide guidelines and ground rules.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight, and advice. Summer is just around
the corner. In short order, your team will be finished
with the school year and looking forward to more unstructured time,
some fun with friends, shorts, bikinis, flirting, and perhaps thoughts
(00:51):
of a summer romance. Whether you have a son or
a daughter, now is the time to start chatting about
important things to keep in mind regarding safely dating, self care,
and respect for others. So today I'm answering the listeners
question about their teenager's request to start dating. Actually dating
(01:18):
in the teen years can be a great source of
practice to grow into the ability to have and appreciate
a mature relationship one day. It is an opportunity for
older kids to learn something about what they like in
a potential partner, what really matters to them. Allowing themselves
(01:40):
to be emotionally vulnerable and reaping the benefits of shared intimacy,
as well as how to cope with the pain of
rejection and loss. However, your boys and girls do need
information and guidance when it comes to navigating rising hormone levels,
(02:03):
their increased sex drives, and interacting with people who may
have different ideas than their own. First, and foremost, talk
to your teen about empathy and about treating others with respect.
Teens can be very self referential and forget to consider
(02:28):
how their actions and their words are affecting other people
and dating. It's important to ask yourself, how would this
make me feel if I were in their shoes? Talk
about being kind and importantly expecting kindness, and teach your
(02:51):
kids that if someone is treating them poorly, to walk
away from the relationship, and how important it is to
have self respect. Teen girls, particularly and they're longing to
have a boyfriend, are susceptible to doing more sexually than
they necessarily want to and allowing controlling, even sometimes abusive behavior.
(03:21):
They may not realize what's happening without a parent explaining
that a boy who isolates them from their friends, who
tells them what to wear, and who to talk to
or is extremely jealous is actually waving the red flags
of abuse. These are hallmark signs of later abuse, and
(03:45):
it's important that your teen girl understand that. Both boys
and girls need to understand they should never feel pushed
into doing things, whether we're talking about sex, alcohol, or drugs,
or engaging in other types of risky activities that they
(04:06):
don't really want to do by someone who purportedly cares
for them. That is not real caring. Most importantly, discuss consent.
What does consent mean, why it's critically important to both
(04:27):
ask for consent and to receive consent when being intimate
with another, and the circumstances under which a person is
actually incapable of giving consent. This is a matter of
safety for both boys and girls. While you may choose
(04:49):
to say that you hope your team will not be
sexually active, it's still important to provide your child with
the knowledge needed to protect against sexually transmitted diseases and
prevent pregnancy. You can hope they will uphold your value system,
but at the end of the day, you don't want
(05:10):
your team to put themselves in harm's way. It is
very possible to give teens the information to protect themselves
while maintaining that you feel strongly they should wait for
sex if you do indeed feel that way. Having unprotected
sex with one partner exposes a team to sexually transmitted
(05:34):
diseases that that individual may have gotten from any previous partner.
In addition, states have ages of consent below which what
may be viewed by willing partners of different ages as
consensual sex is actually considered to be statutory rape, and
(05:54):
this is vital information for both boys and girls to know.
Discuss dating safely as well. This includes telling teens they
shouldn't be alone with someone that they don't know very well,
that they should always let someone else know where they're going,
(06:16):
and if they have a drink an alcoholic drink, particularly
but any drink, to watch it at all times or
to throw it out if they haven't been able to
do so. Also encourage teens to say no or otherwise
(06:36):
make their wishes explicitly known if they ever feel uncomfortable
or don't like where things are going. Even though the
legal drinking age is twenty one, many teens do drink alcohol,
which diminishes inhibitions, and this can lead to less ability
(06:58):
to think about what they do and do not want
to do. Rather than making a blanket statement of don't
drink alcohol, talk to your teen about the effects of
alcohol on decision making and the potential consequences of those
poor decisions. So with that, right after the break, we'll
(07:21):
get to my listeners question. Welcome back. Let's get to
my listeners question and see how can I help, dear
(07:44):
doctor souls. My fifteen year old daughter asked me if
she can go out on a date with a boy
from her school. She has never dated. I feel like
she is a little young, and I'm nervous about whether
it is really safe and a good idea for her
to start dating now. I don't know this boy, and
(08:05):
that makes me even more uncomfortable. But I also don't
want her to start sneaking around in order to be
with a boy. I remember what I did to get
around my mother, and honestly, I'm just lucky nothing bad
happened to me. What age is okay to start dating?
(08:26):
And how can I tell if she is ready? There
is not necessarily one right age that is right to
start dating. The American Academy of Pediatrics has found the
average age for girls to start dating is twelve and
a half, and for boys it's thirteen and a half.
(08:47):
But this definition of dating can actually mean a lot
of things. Early dating, or what gets called dating, may
mean something more like texting a boy, talking on the phone,
hanging out after school, and going on group dates with
a bunch of friends, not one on one evening dates.
(09:12):
Later in the teens, this can it evolve into one
on one dates. So the first thing to do is
inquire about what does she mean by a date. The
next issue has much more to do with issues like
maturity and stability of self esteem, much more so than age.
(09:35):
Sometimes teens want to start dating because they feel pressure
from their peers, but they don't really want to date,
or they feel unhappy with their social situation in general
in school and they become convinced that dating can change
this for the better, but they don't actually really want
(09:59):
a date. They may even find that they feel pressured
to date because they have physically developed much more so
than emotionally developed, and they feel pressured generally or by
an individual in particular, to date who sees them as
older than they really feel. So ask yourself a few
(10:23):
questions about your daughter. Is she really interested in someone
in particular or is she just trying to keep up
with what her friends are doing. Do you think she
would tell you if something went wrong. This is really
important because if she can't discuss any of it, then
(10:43):
she might not be ready. Is she generally confident and
pretty happy with herself or is she really struggling with
self esteem and insecurity? Insecurity makes kids much more susceptible
to teen pressure, and that can have a very negative
(11:04):
effect in new dating. And does she have the physical
development to match her emotional development, because what matters is
really their emotional age before they start dating. Many experts
talk about age sixteen being a reasonable cut off for dating,
(11:28):
and this may be true if you have investigated the
other issues that we've already discussed and feel that your
child is mentally able to navigate and really wants to
for themselves start dating. This means you need to have
some conversations also about safety, consent, sexually transmitted diseases, and pregnancy,
(11:55):
and also importantly some parameters like who and where it's
safe to date. If your child can't or won't have
these conversations with you or someone else close to them,
they are not ready for dating. First relationships can be wonderful,
(12:20):
happy making and learning experiences handled safely. On the other hand,
first breakups can be extremely painful. Don't make light of this.
Treat your teens dating and relationship life with all this
seriousness it actually does deserve. It's not really puppy love.
(12:42):
Sometimes it's just love and rejection is terribly painful no
matter what age you are, but learning that they can
manage it and get over it is helpful for their
growth and development in the future. You just want them
to be emotionally mature enough to be able to handle it.
(13:05):
Be clear about the difference between dating someone she knows
and someone she really doesn't. In this day and age
of apps and other ways that your teenager might quote
meet someone or find someone. You really don't want her
at a young age to be going out with a
(13:26):
total stranger. When you've made a decision, be clear with
your daughter about your expectations. Explain if and how you
wanted to check in with you while they're out what
you consider acceptable an appropriate behavior, and definitely discuss a curfew.
(13:51):
I hope that was helpful. It can be alarming and
uncomfortable to think about your child dating, but don't pretend
it's not happening or that it won't at some point,
whether your child has brought it up or not. If
you want your child to understand your expectations and rules
(14:11):
about dating, you need to express them. Don't let your
child learn about dating from their friends or the media.
Start talking casually about what constitutes a healthy relationship to
build the framework they'll use when they're ready to start dating.
If you have these discussions with your team, it will
(14:34):
make it clear to your child that he or she
can come to you with questions or concerns. Let your
team know even if he or she makes a mistake,
you are there for the child to provide support and help.
The more information you can fay in a calm and
non embarrassed way, the more normalized the idea of discussing
(14:58):
it all will be. A summer romance can be a wonderful,
life changing and maturing experience, especially fortified by information that
will keep your team and his or her bay safe.
Do you have a problem I can help with? If so,
(15:20):
email me yet how can I help? At Seneca women
dot com, all centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too.
How can I help? With me doctor Gale's salts
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight, and advice. Summer is just around
the corner. In short order, your team will be finished
with the school year and looking forward to more unstructured time,
some fun with friends, shorts, bikinis, flirting, and perhaps thoughts
(00:51):
of a summer romance. Whether you have a son or
a daughter, now is the time to start chatting about
important things to keep in mind regarding safely dating, self care,
and respect for others. So today I'm answering the listeners
question about their teenager's request to start dating. Actually dating
(01:18):
in the teen years can be a great source of
practice to grow into the ability to have and appreciate
a mature relationship one day. It is an opportunity for
older kids to learn something about what they like in
a potential partner, what really matters to them. Allowing themselves
(01:40):
to be emotionally vulnerable and reaping the benefits of shared intimacy,
as well as how to cope with the pain of
rejection and loss. However, your boys and girls do need
information and guidance when it comes to navigating rising hormone levels,
(02:03):
their increased sex drives, and interacting with people who may
have different ideas than their own. First, and foremost, talk
to your teen about empathy and about treating others with respect.
Teens can be very self referential and forget to consider
(02:28):
how their actions and their words are affecting other people
and dating. It's important to ask yourself, how would this
make me feel if I were in their shoes? Talk
about being kind and importantly expecting kindness, and teach your
(02:51):
kids that if someone is treating them poorly, to walk
away from the relationship, and how important it is to
have self respect. Teen girls, particularly and they're longing to
have a boyfriend, are susceptible to doing more sexually than
they necessarily want to and allowing controlling, even sometimes abusive behavior.
(03:21):
They may not realize what's happening without a parent explaining
that a boy who isolates them from their friends, who
tells them what to wear, and who to talk to
or is extremely jealous is actually waving the red flags
of abuse. These are hallmark signs of later abuse, and
(03:45):
it's important that your teen girl understand that. Both boys
and girls need to understand they should never feel pushed
into doing things, whether we're talking about sex, alcohol, or drugs,
or engaging in other types of risky activities that they
(04:06):
don't really want to do by someone who purportedly cares
for them. That is not real caring. Most importantly, discuss consent.
What does consent mean, why it's critically important to both
(04:27):
ask for consent and to receive consent when being intimate
with another, and the circumstances under which a person is
actually incapable of giving consent. This is a matter of
safety for both boys and girls. While you may choose
(04:49):
to say that you hope your team will not be
sexually active, it's still important to provide your child with
the knowledge needed to protect against sexually transmitted diseases and
prevent pregnancy. You can hope they will uphold your value system,
but at the end of the day, you don't want
(05:10):
your team to put themselves in harm's way. It is
very possible to give teens the information to protect themselves
while maintaining that you feel strongly they should wait for
sex if you do indeed feel that way. Having unprotected
sex with one partner exposes a team to sexually transmitted
(05:34):
diseases that that individual may have gotten from any previous partner.
In addition, states have ages of consent below which what
may be viewed by willing partners of different ages as
consensual sex is actually considered to be statutory rape, and
(05:54):
this is vital information for both boys and girls to know.
Discuss dating safely as well. This includes telling teens they
shouldn't be alone with someone that they don't know very well,
that they should always let someone else know where they're going,
(06:16):
and if they have a drink an alcoholic drink, particularly
but any drink, to watch it at all times or
to throw it out if they haven't been able to
do so. Also encourage teens to say no or otherwise
(06:36):
make their wishes explicitly known if they ever feel uncomfortable
or don't like where things are going. Even though the
legal drinking age is twenty one, many teens do drink alcohol,
which diminishes inhibitions, and this can lead to less ability
(06:58):
to think about what they do and do not want
to do. Rather than making a blanket statement of don't
drink alcohol, talk to your teen about the effects of
alcohol on decision making and the potential consequences of those
poor decisions. So with that, right after the break, we'll
(07:21):
get to my listeners question. Welcome back. Let's get to
my listeners question and see how can I help, dear
(07:44):
doctor souls. My fifteen year old daughter asked me if
she can go out on a date with a boy
from her school. She has never dated. I feel like
she is a little young, and I'm nervous about whether
it is really safe and a good idea for her
to start dating now. I don't know this boy, and
(08:05):
that makes me even more uncomfortable. But I also don't
want her to start sneaking around in order to be
with a boy. I remember what I did to get
around my mother, and honestly, I'm just lucky nothing bad
happened to me. What age is okay to start dating?
(08:26):
And how can I tell if she is ready? There
is not necessarily one right age that is right to
start dating. The American Academy of Pediatrics has found the
average age for girls to start dating is twelve and
a half, and for boys it's thirteen and a half.
(08:47):
But this definition of dating can actually mean a lot
of things. Early dating, or what gets called dating, may
mean something more like texting a boy, talking on the phone,
hanging out after school, and going on group dates with
a bunch of friends, not one on one evening dates.
(09:12):
Later in the teens, this can it evolve into one
on one dates. So the first thing to do is
inquire about what does she mean by a date. The
next issue has much more to do with issues like
maturity and stability of self esteem, much more so than age.
(09:35):
Sometimes teens want to start dating because they feel pressure
from their peers, but they don't really want to date,
or they feel unhappy with their social situation in general
in school and they become convinced that dating can change
this for the better, but they don't actually really want
(09:59):
a date. They may even find that they feel pressured
to date because they have physically developed much more so
than emotionally developed, and they feel pressured generally or by
an individual in particular, to date who sees them as
older than they really feel. So ask yourself a few
(10:23):
questions about your daughter. Is she really interested in someone
in particular or is she just trying to keep up
with what her friends are doing. Do you think she
would tell you if something went wrong. This is really
important because if she can't discuss any of it, then
(10:43):
she might not be ready. Is she generally confident and
pretty happy with herself or is she really struggling with
self esteem and insecurity? Insecurity makes kids much more susceptible
to teen pressure, and that can have a very negative
(11:04):
effect in new dating. And does she have the physical
development to match her emotional development, because what matters is
really their emotional age before they start dating. Many experts
talk about age sixteen being a reasonable cut off for dating,
(11:28):
and this may be true if you have investigated the
other issues that we've already discussed and feel that your
child is mentally able to navigate and really wants to
for themselves start dating. This means you need to have
some conversations also about safety, consent, sexually transmitted diseases, and pregnancy,
(11:55):
and also importantly some parameters like who and where it's
safe to date. If your child can't or won't have
these conversations with you or someone else close to them,
they are not ready for dating. First relationships can be wonderful,
(12:20):
happy making and learning experiences handled safely. On the other hand,
first breakups can be extremely painful. Don't make light of this.
Treat your teens dating and relationship life with all this
seriousness it actually does deserve. It's not really puppy love.
(12:42):
Sometimes it's just love and rejection is terribly painful no
matter what age you are, but learning that they can
manage it and get over it is helpful for their
growth and development in the future. You just want them
to be emotionally mature enough to be able to handle it.
(13:05):
Be clear about the difference between dating someone she knows
and someone she really doesn't. In this day and age
of apps and other ways that your teenager might quote
meet someone or find someone. You really don't want her
at a young age to be going out with a
(13:26):
total stranger. When you've made a decision, be clear with
your daughter about your expectations. Explain if and how you
wanted to check in with you while they're out what
you consider acceptable an appropriate behavior, and definitely discuss a curfew.
(13:51):
I hope that was helpful. It can be alarming and
uncomfortable to think about your child dating, but don't pretend
it's not happening or that it won't at some point,
whether your child has brought it up or not. If
you want your child to understand your expectations and rules
(14:11):
about dating, you need to express them. Don't let your
child learn about dating from their friends or the media.
Start talking casually about what constitutes a healthy relationship to
build the framework they'll use when they're ready to start dating.
If you have these discussions with your team, it will
(14:34):
make it clear to your child that he or she
can come to you with questions or concerns. Let your
team know even if he or she makes a mistake,
you are there for the child to provide support and help.
The more information you can fay in a calm and
non embarrassed way, the more normalized the idea of discussing
(14:58):
it all will be. A summer romance can be a wonderful,
life changing and maturing experience, especially fortified by information that
will keep your team and his or her bay safe.
Do you have a problem I can help with? If so,
(15:20):
email me yet how can I help? At Seneca women
dot com, all centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too.
How can I help? With me doctor Gale's salts
Popular Podcasts
United States of Kennedy
United States of Kennedy is a podcast about our cultural fascination with the Kennedy dynasty. Every week, hosts Lyra Smith and George Civeris go into one aspect of the Kennedy story.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.