July 22, 2022 • 14 mins
Jealousy, possessiveness, controlling behavior—all are big red flags that indicate a relationship is about to become abusive, or already is. Dr. Saltz advises a listener whose boyfriend shows these worrying signs, and outlines the steps she can take to stay safe.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Salt. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight, and advice. When people think about
an abusive relationship, they often think of physical abuse, sometimes
emotional abuse, but forms of abuse can also be about
how one treats their partner. Coercive control is a strategic
(00:49):
form of ongoing oppression and terrorism, even used to instill
fear in a partner. The abuser will use tactics such
as limiting access to money. We're monitoring all communications as
a way to fully control their partner, sometimes with the
partner not even realizing that's what's happening to them. So
(01:12):
today I am answering a listener's question about feeling frightened
in her relationship. Actually, this form of abuse is in
fact illegal in some countries, for example in the United Kingdom,
but since two thousand and fifteen it's not considered illegal
(01:32):
in the United States. Unless a specific crime has been committed.
Anyone can experience coercive control, but it's more often a
male partner perpetrating this upon a woman partner. Between six
of women seeking assistance for abuse have experienced coercive control.
(01:54):
A controlling partner will try to cut you off from
friends and family, or at least limit contact with them,
so that you don't get the support you need, and
isolating you from any support system is a hallmark of
course of control. This might not seem obvious to you
at first, but they can do things like suggesting a
(02:15):
shared phone and social media accounts for convenience, but this
is really a way of keeping tabs on you, moving
you far away from your family, like in a different states,
so that it's hard to visit them, Fabricating lies about
you to other people which makes others want to stay
away from you, monitor your phone calls with your family,
(02:37):
and even cut the line if someone is trying to
intervene in the situation. They may convince you that your
family doesn't like you and doesn't want to talk to you.
To create distance, a partner can work to keep constant
tabs on you and know about everything that you're doing.
Actually partners have gone as far as wiring these with
(03:00):
cameras or recording devices, using two way surveillance to speak
to you at home during the day. This kind of
surveillance often has even extended into private areas like bedrooms
and bathrooms, which actually served not only to keep tabs
on you, but to create a feeling in you that
there's no place to hide and to create a sense
(03:22):
of shame or humiliation as you're being watched. A coercive,
controlling partner will try to deny you freedom and autonomy
by doing things like not allowing you to go to
work or school, restricting your access to transportation, stalking you
(03:43):
when you're out and about, we're taking your phone, and
changing your passwords. Another technique that such people will use
is called gas lighting, creating the reality that they say
is always right, no matter or what you're seeing you're experiencing,
and forcing you to acknowledge that no matter what, they
(04:06):
are always right and you are always wrong. This is
obviously quite damaging to your self esteem, and they may
further do so and control you more by name calling,
by putting you down, by having frequent bullying behavior in
the form of criticism. This would be designed to make
(04:28):
you feel unimportant and deficient in some way, and that
allows them to feel superior and frankly, to control you
more easily. Other methods of control are, for example, limiting
your access to money. By controlling finances, they can restrict
your freedom and your ability to leave the relationship. This
(04:52):
might include putting you on a very strict budget it
barely covers the essential food or clothes, limiting your access
to your bank accounts, hiding financial resources, not letting you
have a credit card, or rigorously monitoring what you spend
every day. Some partners really reinforce traditional gender roles, so
(05:16):
for example, trying to justify and argue that women are
homemakers and mothers and men are breadwinners, and that frankly,
anything you do differently is not good. Using this argument,
they can coerce you into taking care of all the
cleaning and the cooking and the child care and frankly
(05:37):
not having the ability to do anything else. And controllers
have been known to turn your kids against you. They
may be kids of the abuser, but they may be
kids that you had in a previous marriage. The point
is by turning kids against you, you become further distress,
lose more self esteem, and frankly, are more isolated. They
(06:00):
may try to control aspects of your health or body
by monitoring and controlling how much you eat or sleep,
or time you spend in the bathroom. They may try
to get you to count calories after every meal or
here to a strict exercise regiment. They might try to
control which medications you're allowed to take and whether you
go for medical care or not. You might start to
(06:24):
feel like your body is no longer your own. A
big feature that you will see is basically making jealous accusations.
Jealousy or complaining about the amount of time you spend
with family or friends online or offline is a way
for them to phase out and minimize your contact with
(06:46):
the outside world. They might do this in an effort
to make you feel guilty, but they may feel truly
jealous of any interaction you have with anyone. Nonetheless, this
is abusive behavior, and it is a way of isolating you,
as is regulating your sexual relationship, telling you how many
(07:06):
times you must have sex, what activities you must do sexually,
demanding you take sexual pictures or videos of yourself, refusing
to wear a condom if that's what you wanted, and
they may tell you that frankly, this is the way
it is, and that this is normal desire. They may
threaten your children or even your pets. I have seen this,
(07:27):
and if physical, emotional, or financial threats are not getting
what they want, they may use threats against children or
pets to really control you, making violent threats against them,
threatening to call social services, say you're neglecting or abusing
your children when you aren't, intimidating you by threatening to
(07:49):
make important decisions about your kids without your consent, or
even threatening to kidnap your children or get rid of
your pet. So with that, right after the break, we'll
get to my listeners question. Welcome back. Let's get to
(08:16):
my listeners question and see how can I help, dear
doctor sauls I am really nervous even writing this email
to you, but I don't know what to do. My boyfriend,
who I really think I adore, has become increasingly jealous,
and not just of other men, but of my girlfriends
(08:39):
and my family. He has been telling me I spend
too much time with them, and then says that must
mean I don't love him enough. But I do love him.
He gets annoyed. Every time I spend time with anyone
other than him, He's insisting on being there too, and
that if he can't come, then I shouldn't go. This
(09:02):
is making it pretty hard to maintain my friendships, and
my family is really bothered as well. But I also
don't want to rock the boat with him. I really
care about him, he tells me, just really loves me.
It wants our relationship to be the primary one. But
I'm not sure what to do now because I want
to be with him and I don't want to fight
(09:24):
about this, but I also don't want to lose the
other people in my life. Is there a way to
please both of us? This level of jealousy paired with
possessiveness is a giant red flag. It's so huge that
I really want to tell you listener to run from
(09:44):
him and fast, but I suspect that if I only
do that, you will ignore this advice and get further
isolated and controlled. It's important for you to understand that
this level of possessiveness is intealthy love. It's warped love
and his need to control who and how often and
(10:05):
how much you relate to other important people in your
life is a form of control that is pathologic. Wanting
to be able to be included is a very reasonable request.
The requirement to always be included or you can't go
is not. By creating this parameter, he is presenting his
(10:27):
rationale for cutting off your other relationships. And I've seen
this movie before often, and the result is that as
things get worse with him, you have no one else
to talk to, you feel totally alone, You become more
and more compliant, and eventually you are an abused former
(10:49):
shell of yourself. Please listener, do not give up your
other relationships, but also do not sneak them. Lying to
him will increase his jealousy and suspicion. Rather, say, it's
very important to you as one half of the couple
(11:10):
to maintain your other relationships, and therefore sometimes you will
see your friends or family on your own. You're happy
to have him if he can make it, but you
will not cancel plans if he cannot, and then make
sure that you do just that. If this creates too
(11:31):
much turmoil, certainly, if it creates anger and retribution on
his part, I hope you can see that this is
not the man for you. This will only escalate in
control on his part, and you will find it even
harder to extricate yourself from him. This behavior on his
part is a hallmark sign of coercive control and it
(11:56):
is a form of abuse. If he needs to do this,
you do not want to be his willing victim. You
can't allow his displeasure to be your rate limiting factor.
And if it does become that, he will know the
sky is the limit in his desire to control you.
And that is not love, it's subjugation. I hope that
(12:21):
was helpful. Coercive control is a pernicious form of domestic
abuse that entraps you in a hostage like situation, regardless
of the history with your abuser, even if it included
some happy moments, no one deserves this treatment. Getting out
of an abusive relationship can be complex, even more so
(12:44):
when children are involved, but with a bit of planning,
one can make a safe exit from the situation. First,
maintain communication with your support systems. This is important regardless
of your abuser's displeasure. Always make sure your family and
friends have all of your contact information and check in
(13:08):
with them on a regular basis. You can call a
domestic violence hotline regularly, keep track of where your nearest
public phone is and periodically where your options with a professional.
Do not use your individual cell phone if it's being monitored,
but find another phone and do discuss with a professional
(13:32):
how to safely remove yourself. You can practice how to
get out safely if you have children. Teach your children
to identify a safe place like a friend's house or
the library, where they can go for help if something
is happening, and how to call the police, and most importantly,
(13:52):
have a safety plan when you're deciding to leave. Victims
need to have a plan in terms of where they
go and who they can stay with. They should know
the initial period of separation can be the most dangerous
in terms of an abuser attempting to reconcile and ultimately
doing something far worse. So before you leave, you want
(14:15):
to have a safe place to go and stay that
your abuser does not know about, and then, through legal means,
be advised on how you can safely remove yourself from
the situation. Do you have a problem I can help with?
If so, email me yet how can I help? At
Seneca women dot Com, All centers remain anonymous and listen
(14:39):
every Friday too. How can I help with me Dr
Gail's salts
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Salt. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight, and advice. When people think about
an abusive relationship, they often think of physical abuse, sometimes
emotional abuse, but forms of abuse can also be about
how one treats their partner. Coercive control is a strategic
(00:49):
form of ongoing oppression and terrorism, even used to instill
fear in a partner. The abuser will use tactics such
as limiting access to money. We're monitoring all communications as
a way to fully control their partner, sometimes with the
partner not even realizing that's what's happening to them. So
(01:12):
today I am answering a listener's question about feeling frightened
in her relationship. Actually, this form of abuse is in
fact illegal in some countries, for example in the United Kingdom,
but since two thousand and fifteen it's not considered illegal
(01:32):
in the United States. Unless a specific crime has been committed.
Anyone can experience coercive control, but it's more often a
male partner perpetrating this upon a woman partner. Between six
of women seeking assistance for abuse have experienced coercive control.
(01:54):
A controlling partner will try to cut you off from
friends and family, or at least limit contact with them,
so that you don't get the support you need, and
isolating you from any support system is a hallmark of
course of control. This might not seem obvious to you
at first, but they can do things like suggesting a
(02:15):
shared phone and social media accounts for convenience, but this
is really a way of keeping tabs on you, moving
you far away from your family, like in a different states,
so that it's hard to visit them, Fabricating lies about
you to other people which makes others want to stay
away from you, monitor your phone calls with your family,
(02:37):
and even cut the line if someone is trying to
intervene in the situation. They may convince you that your
family doesn't like you and doesn't want to talk to you.
To create distance, a partner can work to keep constant
tabs on you and know about everything that you're doing.
Actually partners have gone as far as wiring these with
(03:00):
cameras or recording devices, using two way surveillance to speak
to you at home during the day. This kind of
surveillance often has even extended into private areas like bedrooms
and bathrooms, which actually served not only to keep tabs
on you, but to create a feeling in you that
there's no place to hide and to create a sense
(03:22):
of shame or humiliation as you're being watched. A coercive,
controlling partner will try to deny you freedom and autonomy
by doing things like not allowing you to go to
work or school, restricting your access to transportation, stalking you
(03:43):
when you're out and about, we're taking your phone, and
changing your passwords. Another technique that such people will use
is called gas lighting, creating the reality that they say
is always right, no matter or what you're seeing you're experiencing,
and forcing you to acknowledge that no matter what, they
(04:06):
are always right and you are always wrong. This is
obviously quite damaging to your self esteem, and they may
further do so and control you more by name calling,
by putting you down, by having frequent bullying behavior in
the form of criticism. This would be designed to make
(04:28):
you feel unimportant and deficient in some way, and that
allows them to feel superior and frankly, to control you
more easily. Other methods of control are, for example, limiting
your access to money. By controlling finances, they can restrict
your freedom and your ability to leave the relationship. This
(04:52):
might include putting you on a very strict budget it
barely covers the essential food or clothes, limiting your access
to your bank accounts, hiding financial resources, not letting you
have a credit card, or rigorously monitoring what you spend
every day. Some partners really reinforce traditional gender roles, so
(05:16):
for example, trying to justify and argue that women are
homemakers and mothers and men are breadwinners, and that frankly,
anything you do differently is not good. Using this argument,
they can coerce you into taking care of all the
cleaning and the cooking and the child care and frankly
(05:37):
not having the ability to do anything else. And controllers
have been known to turn your kids against you. They
may be kids of the abuser, but they may be
kids that you had in a previous marriage. The point
is by turning kids against you, you become further distress,
lose more self esteem, and frankly, are more isolated. They
(06:00):
may try to control aspects of your health or body
by monitoring and controlling how much you eat or sleep,
or time you spend in the bathroom. They may try
to get you to count calories after every meal or
here to a strict exercise regiment. They might try to
control which medications you're allowed to take and whether you
go for medical care or not. You might start to
(06:24):
feel like your body is no longer your own. A
big feature that you will see is basically making jealous accusations.
Jealousy or complaining about the amount of time you spend
with family or friends online or offline is a way
for them to phase out and minimize your contact with
(06:46):
the outside world. They might do this in an effort
to make you feel guilty, but they may feel truly
jealous of any interaction you have with anyone. Nonetheless, this
is abusive behavior, and it is a way of isolating you,
as is regulating your sexual relationship, telling you how many
(07:06):
times you must have sex, what activities you must do sexually,
demanding you take sexual pictures or videos of yourself, refusing
to wear a condom if that's what you wanted, and
they may tell you that frankly, this is the way
it is, and that this is normal desire. They may
threaten your children or even your pets. I have seen this,
(07:27):
and if physical, emotional, or financial threats are not getting
what they want, they may use threats against children or
pets to really control you, making violent threats against them,
threatening to call social services, say you're neglecting or abusing
your children when you aren't, intimidating you by threatening to
(07:49):
make important decisions about your kids without your consent, or
even threatening to kidnap your children or get rid of
your pet. So with that, right after the break, we'll
get to my listeners question. Welcome back. Let's get to
(08:16):
my listeners question and see how can I help, dear
doctor sauls I am really nervous even writing this email
to you, but I don't know what to do. My boyfriend,
who I really think I adore, has become increasingly jealous,
and not just of other men, but of my girlfriends
(08:39):
and my family. He has been telling me I spend
too much time with them, and then says that must
mean I don't love him enough. But I do love him.
He gets annoyed. Every time I spend time with anyone
other than him, He's insisting on being there too, and
that if he can't come, then I shouldn't go. This
(09:02):
is making it pretty hard to maintain my friendships, and
my family is really bothered as well. But I also
don't want to rock the boat with him. I really
care about him, he tells me, just really loves me.
It wants our relationship to be the primary one. But
I'm not sure what to do now because I want
to be with him and I don't want to fight
(09:24):
about this, but I also don't want to lose the
other people in my life. Is there a way to
please both of us? This level of jealousy paired with
possessiveness is a giant red flag. It's so huge that
I really want to tell you listener to run from
(09:44):
him and fast, but I suspect that if I only
do that, you will ignore this advice and get further
isolated and controlled. It's important for you to understand that
this level of possessiveness is intealthy love. It's warped love
and his need to control who and how often and
(10:05):
how much you relate to other important people in your
life is a form of control that is pathologic. Wanting
to be able to be included is a very reasonable request.
The requirement to always be included or you can't go
is not. By creating this parameter, he is presenting his
(10:27):
rationale for cutting off your other relationships. And I've seen
this movie before often, and the result is that as
things get worse with him, you have no one else
to talk to, you feel totally alone, You become more
and more compliant, and eventually you are an abused former
(10:49):
shell of yourself. Please listener, do not give up your
other relationships, but also do not sneak them. Lying to
him will increase his jealousy and suspicion. Rather, say, it's
very important to you as one half of the couple
(11:10):
to maintain your other relationships, and therefore sometimes you will
see your friends or family on your own. You're happy
to have him if he can make it, but you
will not cancel plans if he cannot, and then make
sure that you do just that. If this creates too
(11:31):
much turmoil, certainly, if it creates anger and retribution on
his part, I hope you can see that this is
not the man for you. This will only escalate in
control on his part, and you will find it even
harder to extricate yourself from him. This behavior on his
part is a hallmark sign of coercive control and it
(11:56):
is a form of abuse. If he needs to do this,
you do not want to be his willing victim. You
can't allow his displeasure to be your rate limiting factor.
And if it does become that, he will know the
sky is the limit in his desire to control you.
And that is not love, it's subjugation. I hope that
(12:21):
was helpful. Coercive control is a pernicious form of domestic
abuse that entraps you in a hostage like situation, regardless
of the history with your abuser, even if it included
some happy moments, no one deserves this treatment. Getting out
of an abusive relationship can be complex, even more so
(12:44):
when children are involved, but with a bit of planning,
one can make a safe exit from the situation. First,
maintain communication with your support systems. This is important regardless
of your abuser's displeasure. Always make sure your family and
friends have all of your contact information and check in
(13:08):
with them on a regular basis. You can call a
domestic violence hotline regularly, keep track of where your nearest
public phone is and periodically where your options with a professional.
Do not use your individual cell phone if it's being monitored,
but find another phone and do discuss with a professional
(13:32):
how to safely remove yourself. You can practice how to
get out safely if you have children. Teach your children
to identify a safe place like a friend's house or
the library, where they can go for help if something
is happening, and how to call the police, and most importantly,
(13:52):
have a safety plan when you're deciding to leave. Victims
need to have a plan in terms of where they
go and who they can stay with. They should know
the initial period of separation can be the most dangerous
in terms of an abuser attempting to reconcile and ultimately
doing something far worse. So before you leave, you want
(14:15):
to have a safe place to go and stay that
your abuser does not know about, and then, through legal means,
be advised on how you can safely remove yourself from
the situation. Do you have a problem I can help with?
If so, email me yet how can I help? At
Seneca women dot Com, All centers remain anonymous and listen
(14:39):
every Friday too. How can I help with me Dr
Gail's salts
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