Why Fighting Can Help Your Relationship (If You Do It the Right Way)

Every couple disagrees from time to time. And if you follow the do’s and don’ts, your arguments can actually help your relationship rather than hurt it. Dr. Saltz reveals exactly how to fight right.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,

(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Stress and anxiety can
make anyone feel irritable. Irritability often comes out at those
closest to you, with those you trust to love you anyway,
and with those that you spend the most time. That's

(00:47):
why today I'm answering a question I received about fighting
with your boo. Everyone gets angry sometimes. Since you and
your partner are not clones of each other, you also
cannot always agree on everything. Where there is disagreement, there
will be fighting, you hope, because letting anger fester is

(01:11):
definitely more destructive than communicating about it. Fighting is not
really the problem, but how you fight can be not
fighting at all because you've buried your anger is really
the worst case scenario. This allows hurts to fester and

(01:31):
then come out with being passive aggressive or with distancing
yourself emotionally, otherwise known often as the cold treatment. Both
will hurt your relationship. Constantly venting your anger is also
suboptimal for both your relationship and for any children who

(01:54):
are viewers of this acrimony. Arguing is an appropriate to
discuss constructively your disagreement with your partner, but being abusive, explosive,
or hurtful is not constructive, and in the end, both
of you lose out. Biting in front of your children

(02:16):
is generally speaking, a terrible idea. I say generally because
I do think it's okay, even helpful to see parents
calmly disagree and then find a compromise and make up.
This shows your children that you can love and respect
someone very much, disagree with them, and find a way

(02:41):
to resolve it, which is an ultra important lesson. This
will be valuable for them as they navigate through relationships
in their own lives. On the other hand, yelling at
each other, being mean or hurtful in front of the
children is generally downright terrified ying for them. It leaves

(03:02):
them scared about your love for each other and even
your love for them. So no matter how angry you are,
save it until you are positive. You can do it
calmly or away from them hearing you. Many a child
has been traumatized by overhearing their parents scream and be

(03:24):
abusive to each other. This can damage their trust and
their ability to be intimate with someone later in their lives.
So don't let it happen. Let's hop onto our question
and see how can I help, Dear doctor Saltz. My
boyfriend and I have started arguing with each other over

(03:46):
what I think aren't really big deal things like what
time to leave for the airport or who has time
to run to the grocery store. Even though these arguments
never blow up and generally get resolved, I feel nervous
that it means we have a problem and doesn't bode
well for the long term. My parents never fought, and

(04:08):
I feel like maybe fighting means there is a terminal problem.
Is this type of argument an indicator we don't belong together? No, no,
and no. It is not an indicator you don't belong together.
It is an indicator you're willing and able to freely

(04:28):
give voice to differing opinions and wants something that actually
bodes well for the long term relationship. The issue isn't
that you do argue. The real question is how do
you argue your model. Your parents appeared not to argue
to you. This means either they did not argue in

(04:52):
front of you, or one or the other of them
suppress their opinion, their wants and needs to do join
the other one of the time. Suppression of your own
identity is not the same thing as compromise, and suppression
of yourself isn't particularly healthy and rarely doable. Anyway, It's

(05:15):
more likely you didn't see them disagree and that their
disagreements did not become loud fights. Nonetheless, this left you
with a sense that love and partnership means never arguing,
which it does not, which leads us back to how
do you argue? Arguing can be very productive for our relationship, actually,

(05:40):
because arguing is a form of communication, sharing your thoughts, feelings, goals, needs,
and those communications can bring you closer with a greater
understanding of each other, a greater empathy for each other,
and a greater trust of each other. So, for example,

(06:01):
you want to get to the airport two hours before
flight time, he wants to get there one hour before you. Therefore,
argue about which is right and went to leave. The
key here is to really here under the surface. Are
you a person who gets anxious about being late and
missing something? Are you a person who would rather be

(06:23):
safe than sorry? Maybe you feel most comfortable following the
rules which the airline says is two hours. That's what
you are actually saying, and that's what he actually needs
to hear from you. He may be actually saying he
hates wasting time feeling stuck someplace unpleasant like an airport,

(06:48):
when he doesn't have to be. He finds arbitrary rules
for the benefit of a monolith like an airline, not
only frustrating and unfair, but imposing on his own rights.
For perhaps he is undaunted by a little risk. That's
what you need to hear and know about him. There
is no right and wrong here. The value of arguing

(07:12):
is to hear under the surface of what time do
we leave? And explain what your stance means to you
and why, and then understand what the other stance means,
what it says about them and why. When you get
a chance to understand where the other is actually coming from,
it makes it much easier to compromise. Let's split the difference,

(07:37):
or one of you realizes that your feelings on it
aren't such a big deal, but it is the type
of thing that really gets to your partner, so you
will go with them on it. How can I help
with Dr Gail Salts will be back after this short break.

(08:07):
This is the nature of healthy arguing, and because life
will throw tons of small and big obstacles at you,
learning early on in your relationship how to disagree and
fine resolution is an important tentpole of any ongoing and
especially long term relationship. The end goal here is not

(08:30):
who wins, it's how you both are able to feel
about the resolution and what you each learn about the other,
which in turn will make it more likely you'll come
to a faster decision that is mutual about something of
the same nature when it comes up again. When you

(08:50):
do start to argue or disagree, try to sit calmly,
state your disagreement and where it's coming from, look at
each other, are in the face. Each explain your view,
and then, if possible, each repeat back what they think
the other person's view is so it can be corrected
if it's not right. This form of mirroring, as it's called,

(09:16):
helps you to stay in touch with your partner and
remain connected even as you argue. It helps you both
to stay compassionate, which decreases the likelihood your fuse will
light and burn too bright. Try to explain why you
feel the way you do, and try to listen to

(09:37):
why your partner feels the way he does. Everyone doesn't
have to be equally happy with the resolution, but everyone
should feel heard and considered in the outcome. Neither should
feel disrespected, condescended to, or disparaged Ideally after an argument,

(09:58):
kind words, as are minders of your care for one
another are helpful to decrease insecurity. While these kinds of
arguments are both normal and can even be constructive, Constant
arguing or arguments that escalate to meanness, disrespect, hurting one another,
or suppressing your partner altogether are not frequent. Arguing over

(10:24):
essential values or morals may be indicative of a long
term problem or repetitive arguing over something where there cannot
be a compromise at all, like I want a child,
I do not want any children, where you can't really
compromise on half a child. But the type of arguing

(10:46):
you describe is both normal and handled well, can even
be healthy for your relationship. I hope that was helpful.
Before I finished, I'd like to give you all some
tips to consider about arguing with a romantic partner. There
are really strategies for optimizing your disagreements. First, it's not

(11:12):
about who's right. Inevitably, there are two sides to any story.
You are both partially right and wrong. The point is
not to win the argument. The point is to find
someplace that both of you can accept. Two, don't generalize.

(11:32):
When we get mad, we tend to want to attack
with everything in our arsenal, so you start pulling out
every old hurt and infraction your spouse has ever committed.
This spends the fight out of control and fans the flames.
Stick to the subject at hand, and try to stay
with the current issue that is causing the disagreement now.

(11:56):
In addition, using old things told to you and infidence
as a method of hurting them is really a complete
no no, as it will ruin the trust your spouse
has placed in you. Three, Talk early. We often don't
want to be angry with our partners, so we wait

(12:17):
until we are fuming and the problem has really worsened.
The longer you wait, the harder it gets. To resolve
the disagreement. It also unfairly allows your partner to keep
sticking their foot in it. So to speak, you know
it's bugging you, but they don't, so they keep digging

(12:38):
themselves a deeper hole. That's soon enough you will blow
up about and attack them for Speak up sooner when
the problem starts, and it will be much easier to
reach a resolution. Four. Listen and respect. Nothing is more
frustrating than feeling you are not heard. Let your partner

(13:03):
know you hear what they are saying too, and you
get how they are feeling. This will diffuse their anger.
Try while you listen to stand a bit in your
partner shoes in order to understand where they are coming from.
It will help you come to a resolution. Never attack

(13:24):
the other with abuse either physical or verbal, with meanness
with person, with screaming or threatening to leave them. Treat
them with the same respect you would want for yourself
by finishing it versus a time out. Generally speaking, it
is really best to come to some sort of resolution

(13:46):
without walking out during an argument. It can be a compromise,
or it can be an agreement to disagree, making up
and reminding each other how much you really care for respect,
and love each other at the end. It's also important, however,
if you are seeing red and fear that you will

(14:08):
blurt out or do something that you regret, then call
for a time out. Tell your partner you need a
moment alone to regroup. Then go do something that relieves
tension for you, like jogging or hot bath, and then
go back once you feel calmer and resume the discussion.

(14:29):
If your partner needs a time out, respect their need
for a little space and wait for their cue. Do
you have a problem I can help with? If so,
email me yet how can I help? At Seneca women
dot com, All centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too.
How can I help with me? Dr Gail's Salt