February 26, 2021 • 14 mins
Life can be a struggle if you never set boundaries for your work, in your relationships or regarding your time. I'll tell you how to be better at drawing the line.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, the psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Today on how Can
I Help, I'll be taking questions that investigate the area
of boundary setting and the ways in which poor boundary
setting can really re havoc with your work life balance.
And especially during these difficult pandemic times, many working women
(00:50):
especially are finding it difficult, too impossible to have themselves,
their partner, and even their children home all day, all
trying to do work, school, live, and find any time
to relax or play. There is the challenge of everyone
being in one small space physically and managing to create
(01:12):
any place that is an office that is specifically off
limits to interruption and noise with any hope of concentrating.
Both parents and children are frustrated, and that's understandable. After
an endless amount of time spent cooped up together, patients
is fraid. Everyone feels irritable and uncertain about the future.
(01:37):
There's guilt about not being available enough emotionally to each other,
and this guilt causes us to create even fewer boundaries. Unfortunately,
though this may feel like the right thing to do
in order to be nurturing and understanding, your omni availability
to all your people all the time, is actually a
(01:58):
vicious cycle that is likely to backfire. You've likely heard
the phrase put your own oxygen mask on first, and indeed,
it is important to set up enough boundaries to meet
your own needs in order to be equipped to also
help with the needs of those you love and live with.
When your own well is dry, there is no water
(02:21):
for you, but also for anyone else. So let's get
to our first question and see how can I help.
Here's question one, Dear doctor Salt, working from home with
kids is challenging. I know it's hard for my kids
to be at home during this pandemic, and I want
(02:44):
to be patient, but I also need to get my
own work done. How can I set boundaries to make
both a priority? How can I create time for self care?
It has been maddeningly difficult for most patients having their
child going to Zoom school. At home, kids are missing
out on the classroom structure which helps them to learn,
(03:07):
the social interactions which helps them learn in a less
onerous way, the opportunity for change of scene, and the
physical movement which helps with mental health and with feeling
antsy generally during the day. Not having all of that
has left most kids feeling even more frustrated, struggling more
(03:29):
academically to comprehend and learn, and feeling more antsy being
in the same space with only a screen and missing
out on a chance to run around and talk to friends. So,
of course, as you point out, it is hard for
your kids, and let's face it, in the world of
(03:50):
you're only as happy as your least happy child, it's
really hard for you to find your own happiness structure,
ability to be productive, and your child is struggling to
have any of that. But the solution is not necessarily
making it happen for them, firstly because it may not
be totally possible to do that, and secondly because as
(04:14):
you are made miserable and unproductive, you're not in the
best place to problem solve around this issue as you
would be if you were able to take care of you.
If your child knows you will at all times drop
everything to be with them to help them throughout the day,
they will also not learn how to cope or build
(04:36):
resilience for themselves. Make yourself an office area. Create a
schedule that you share with your child about hours you
can help with a request, and hours where they will
just have to do the best they can short of
a medical emergency where you are at work and therefore unavailable.
(05:00):
Set up your space as far as you can be
in the house from their setup space for school. Post
your hours you are in these hours and out these hours,
Put them near your child so your child can reference that.
Create a map of problem solving tools that your child
(05:20):
can use to help themselves in your absence with your
child ahead of time, So, for example, what to do
if Zoom goes down. Temporarily questions to write down if
they don't understand something so that they can ask them
to you later. But then stick to your schedule and
stick to your boundaries. At first, it may seem really hard,
(05:44):
but over time your child will handle more on their
own and they'll feel more competent doing so you. Meanwhile,
we'll discover times of being uninterrupted self care is important
for you and your child. You do need to set
some time aside to do things that are good for
(06:05):
your mental and physical health, like exercise, perhaps deep breathing,
the practice of meditation, or even just a relaxing bath.
Certainly time to chat with a friend. It is never
too early to also teach your child about the value
of self care for them, They too can exercise, they
(06:28):
can practice deep breathing, do something anything really that relaxes
their body. Have time to chat with a friend for
them as well. These things are important for them to
learn early on, and they will help them to manage
the time going forward. Even taking fifteen minutes to do
something for yourself can make a difference, And importantly, take
(06:52):
this fifteen minutes without guilt. You're doing self care will
make you feel better and thereby be a better and
more empathic parent. How can I help with Dr Gail
Salts will be back after the short break. Here's our
(07:21):
next question. Dear Doctor Saltz, I feel like I'm constantly
making bad decisions with my time. I overload my plate,
make too many time commitments, and then I don't know
how to manage my time to meet all my commitments.
How do I know if I'm making good and rational
(07:43):
decisions with a time commitment, and how should I react
if I end up regretting my decisions. Time management is
an executive function of the brain, something some of us
are better at than others. This is just a matter
of hard why airing of the brain, and it's important
to understand that even though this may not be your strength,
(08:06):
it is something that a person can work on. The
Internal sense of how long something will take us to
do and the sense of how fast time is moving
are important executive function skills of the brain that help
you to decide how many tasks to agree to based
(08:26):
on the time allotted. Another factor in taking on too
much is, frankly, yourself few of what you're capable of,
your drive, like your ambition, and your guilt and difficulty
in saying no. It's really helpful to figure out the
nature of your difficulty if the problem is your ability
(08:50):
to estimate fairly accurately how long tasks take and how
much time you actually have. For example, if you find
you're a person that is often late to think, not
on purpose, but just end up being late. If you're
chronically struggling to follow directions that specify time, then this
may not be a strength for you visa via your
(09:12):
executive function abilities. In cases like that, it's really useful
to create an outside structure of schedules and time rather
than doing it in your head. Most people choose to
do it in their head because it seems like actually
hits saving time and it's more pleasant than making out
an actual schedule. But if you make yourself a deeply
(09:35):
inclusive and written out schedule, then before you accept a task,
do a thorough estimate by looking at your schedule of
exactly how much time it's likely to take, and look
for a place in your schedule where you can realistically
seek carving out that much time. It will really help
you to organize, plan and structure how much to take
(09:59):
onto your plate. If the answer is nowhere, then you
really need to be able to say no and pass
on this task. If, however, you're actually the kind of
person who just has difficulty saying no, and it's really
out of guilt. If you have a wish to be
(10:20):
everything to everyone, a belief that it's necessary to do
that in order to reach your ambitious goals or to
please everyone that you love and want to please, then
it's time to examine that personality issue. Many people feel
they're doing the right thing by everyone by saying yes, yes, yes,
(10:41):
when in reality the failure to be capable of doing
everything just causes more consternation for everyone on the back end,
especially you. It is likely your list of who you
need to please is too long and too for inclusive.
(11:02):
Everyone needs to say no sometimes. In fact, without saying no,
there really is no yes. In fact, it would be
better to say something that hedges your commitment and come
through in the end, then say yes and not show up.
Try a more realistic approach of saying some nose every week.
(11:26):
Make it a point to do so. Finding out the
sky won't fall and you'll still be a good person
will help reinforce your ability to sometimes say no. After
a little practice of being able to say yes and no,
you'll grow more comfortable and also grow a more balanced schedule.
(11:50):
I hope that was helpful to you. Most people think
about the issue of boundaries having to do with scheduling,
but boundaries are also an issue when it comes to
your emotional relationship with others, and as you can see
from these questions and the answers, these two things can
easily bleed together, particularly now at this difficult time during
(12:13):
the pandemic, when so many emotions are running high and
so much work is being expected of each person in
these difficult and different circumstances. So in addition to thinking
about your schedule and the structure and being able to
say no, give some thought to the boundaries you have
(12:34):
with the emotionally important relationships that you have in your life. So,
of course you love your partner, of course you love
your children, but that doesn't mean that you have to
be so what we call in the psyche parlance overidentified
with them, that you essentially are them. You have to
(12:56):
hold onto during this time the fact that you are
still separate people. And while you can feel sympathy if
they're having a hard time, and even some empathy which
really means standing in their shoes and understanding truly how
difficult it is for them too, it's better not to
overidentify and experience whatever losses they're having as if it
(13:21):
is actually you. When you blur these boundaries and you
become one and the same with the people in your home,
it actually isn't healthy for you, and that you take
on the burdens and the losses of everyone truly to heart.
And in addition, it actually isn't better for them because
(13:41):
it doesn't allow them to be separate people with their
own emotions and their own losses to grapple to and
building coping skills that they can then use to become independent,
resilient people themselves. Do you have a problem I can
help with? If so, email me at How can I help?
(14:05):
At Seneca women dot com. All senders remain anonymous and
listen every Friday too. How can I help with me?
Doctor Gale Salts
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, the psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Today on how Can
I Help, I'll be taking questions that investigate the area
of boundary setting and the ways in which poor boundary
setting can really re havoc with your work life balance.
And especially during these difficult pandemic times, many working women
(00:50):
especially are finding it difficult, too impossible to have themselves,
their partner, and even their children home all day, all
trying to do work, school, live, and find any time
to relax or play. There is the challenge of everyone
being in one small space physically and managing to create
(01:12):
any place that is an office that is specifically off
limits to interruption and noise with any hope of concentrating.
Both parents and children are frustrated, and that's understandable. After
an endless amount of time spent cooped up together, patients
is fraid. Everyone feels irritable and uncertain about the future.
(01:37):
There's guilt about not being available enough emotionally to each other,
and this guilt causes us to create even fewer boundaries. Unfortunately,
though this may feel like the right thing to do
in order to be nurturing and understanding, your omni availability
to all your people all the time, is actually a
(01:58):
vicious cycle that is likely to backfire. You've likely heard
the phrase put your own oxygen mask on first, and indeed,
it is important to set up enough boundaries to meet
your own needs in order to be equipped to also
help with the needs of those you love and live with.
When your own well is dry, there is no water
(02:21):
for you, but also for anyone else. So let's get
to our first question and see how can I help.
Here's question one, Dear doctor Salt, working from home with
kids is challenging. I know it's hard for my kids
to be at home during this pandemic, and I want
(02:44):
to be patient, but I also need to get my
own work done. How can I set boundaries to make
both a priority? How can I create time for self care?
It has been maddeningly difficult for most patients having their
child going to Zoom school. At home, kids are missing
out on the classroom structure which helps them to learn,
(03:07):
the social interactions which helps them learn in a less
onerous way, the opportunity for change of scene, and the
physical movement which helps with mental health and with feeling
antsy generally during the day. Not having all of that
has left most kids feeling even more frustrated, struggling more
(03:29):
academically to comprehend and learn, and feeling more antsy being
in the same space with only a screen and missing
out on a chance to run around and talk to friends. So,
of course, as you point out, it is hard for
your kids, and let's face it, in the world of
(03:50):
you're only as happy as your least happy child, it's
really hard for you to find your own happiness structure,
ability to be productive, and your child is struggling to
have any of that. But the solution is not necessarily
making it happen for them, firstly because it may not
be totally possible to do that, and secondly because as
(04:14):
you are made miserable and unproductive, you're not in the
best place to problem solve around this issue as you
would be if you were able to take care of you.
If your child knows you will at all times drop
everything to be with them to help them throughout the day,
they will also not learn how to cope or build
(04:36):
resilience for themselves. Make yourself an office area. Create a
schedule that you share with your child about hours you
can help with a request, and hours where they will
just have to do the best they can short of
a medical emergency where you are at work and therefore unavailable.
(05:00):
Set up your space as far as you can be
in the house from their setup space for school. Post
your hours you are in these hours and out these hours,
Put them near your child so your child can reference that.
Create a map of problem solving tools that your child
(05:20):
can use to help themselves in your absence with your
child ahead of time, So, for example, what to do
if Zoom goes down. Temporarily questions to write down if
they don't understand something so that they can ask them
to you later. But then stick to your schedule and
stick to your boundaries. At first, it may seem really hard,
(05:44):
but over time your child will handle more on their
own and they'll feel more competent doing so you. Meanwhile,
we'll discover times of being uninterrupted self care is important
for you and your child. You do need to set
some time aside to do things that are good for
(06:05):
your mental and physical health, like exercise, perhaps deep breathing,
the practice of meditation, or even just a relaxing bath.
Certainly time to chat with a friend. It is never
too early to also teach your child about the value
of self care for them, They too can exercise, they
(06:28):
can practice deep breathing, do something anything really that relaxes
their body. Have time to chat with a friend for
them as well. These things are important for them to
learn early on, and they will help them to manage
the time going forward. Even taking fifteen minutes to do
something for yourself can make a difference, And importantly, take
(06:52):
this fifteen minutes without guilt. You're doing self care will
make you feel better and thereby be a better and
more empathic parent. How can I help with Dr Gail
Salts will be back after the short break. Here's our
(07:21):
next question. Dear Doctor Saltz, I feel like I'm constantly
making bad decisions with my time. I overload my plate,
make too many time commitments, and then I don't know
how to manage my time to meet all my commitments.
How do I know if I'm making good and rational
(07:43):
decisions with a time commitment, and how should I react
if I end up regretting my decisions. Time management is
an executive function of the brain, something some of us
are better at than others. This is just a matter
of hard why airing of the brain, and it's important
to understand that even though this may not be your strength,
(08:06):
it is something that a person can work on. The
Internal sense of how long something will take us to
do and the sense of how fast time is moving
are important executive function skills of the brain that help
you to decide how many tasks to agree to based
(08:26):
on the time allotted. Another factor in taking on too
much is, frankly, yourself few of what you're capable of,
your drive, like your ambition, and your guilt and difficulty
in saying no. It's really helpful to figure out the
nature of your difficulty if the problem is your ability
(08:50):
to estimate fairly accurately how long tasks take and how
much time you actually have. For example, if you find
you're a person that is often late to think, not
on purpose, but just end up being late. If you're
chronically struggling to follow directions that specify time, then this
may not be a strength for you visa via your
(09:12):
executive function abilities. In cases like that, it's really useful
to create an outside structure of schedules and time rather
than doing it in your head. Most people choose to
do it in their head because it seems like actually
hits saving time and it's more pleasant than making out
an actual schedule. But if you make yourself a deeply
(09:35):
inclusive and written out schedule, then before you accept a task,
do a thorough estimate by looking at your schedule of
exactly how much time it's likely to take, and look
for a place in your schedule where you can realistically
seek carving out that much time. It will really help
you to organize, plan and structure how much to take
(09:59):
onto your plate. If the answer is nowhere, then you
really need to be able to say no and pass
on this task. If, however, you're actually the kind of
person who just has difficulty saying no, and it's really
out of guilt. If you have a wish to be
(10:20):
everything to everyone, a belief that it's necessary to do
that in order to reach your ambitious goals or to
please everyone that you love and want to please, then
it's time to examine that personality issue. Many people feel
they're doing the right thing by everyone by saying yes, yes, yes,
(10:41):
when in reality the failure to be capable of doing
everything just causes more consternation for everyone on the back end,
especially you. It is likely your list of who you
need to please is too long and too for inclusive.
(11:02):
Everyone needs to say no sometimes. In fact, without saying no,
there really is no yes. In fact, it would be
better to say something that hedges your commitment and come
through in the end, then say yes and not show up.
Try a more realistic approach of saying some nose every week.
(11:26):
Make it a point to do so. Finding out the
sky won't fall and you'll still be a good person
will help reinforce your ability to sometimes say no. After
a little practice of being able to say yes and no,
you'll grow more comfortable and also grow a more balanced schedule.
(11:50):
I hope that was helpful to you. Most people think
about the issue of boundaries having to do with scheduling,
but boundaries are also an issue when it comes to
your emotional relationship with others, and as you can see
from these questions and the answers, these two things can
easily bleed together, particularly now at this difficult time during
(12:13):
the pandemic, when so many emotions are running high and
so much work is being expected of each person in
these difficult and different circumstances. So in addition to thinking
about your schedule and the structure and being able to
say no, give some thought to the boundaries you have
(12:34):
with the emotionally important relationships that you have in your life. So,
of course you love your partner, of course you love
your children, but that doesn't mean that you have to
be so what we call in the psyche parlance overidentified
with them, that you essentially are them. You have to
(12:56):
hold onto during this time the fact that you are
still separate people. And while you can feel sympathy if
they're having a hard time, and even some empathy which
really means standing in their shoes and understanding truly how
difficult it is for them too, it's better not to
overidentify and experience whatever losses they're having as if it
(13:21):
is actually you. When you blur these boundaries and you
become one and the same with the people in your home,
it actually isn't healthy for you, and that you take
on the burdens and the losses of everyone truly to heart.
And in addition, it actually isn't better for them because
(13:41):
it doesn't allow them to be separate people with their
own emotions and their own losses to grapple to and
building coping skills that they can then use to become independent,
resilient people themselves. Do you have a problem I can
help with? If so, email me at How can I help?
(14:05):
At Seneca women dot com. All senders remain anonymous and
listen every Friday too. How can I help with me?
Doctor Gale Salts
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