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July 5, 2025 23 mins

In this week’s Yahoo “Ask Amy & T.J.” column, a reader asks what men are looking for, after she says she’s constantly ignored in the dating pool. Notably “F” began her question to Amy and T.J. talking about her age, weight and height which prompted a lot of reaction from readers in the comment section.

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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey there are folks. A lady just calling herself F
wrote to us asking for some relationship advice. She says,
I am a successful black woman, so why aren't men
into me? Robots initial thoughts, you're asking the wrong questions.
My initial take, stop leading with your height and your weight,

(00:24):
and welcome everybody to this edition of Amy and DJ
based on the question that came into us in our
weekly Yahoo column. And this was a hell of a
question in a lot of ways robes and it was
heartbreaking to some degree. But we'll let other people decide.

Speaker 2 (00:42):
Yeah, that's the initial thing.

Speaker 3 (00:44):
I remember you said right away when we saw the question,
and we'll read the entire question for you, the listener.

Speaker 2 (00:49):
But your first response was I just want to give
her a hug.

Speaker 3 (00:53):
And I think that's kind of where my head went first,
because I get it. It's you're looking for a partner,
looking for that love of your life, and you can't
find him, and you're asking what is it about me
that I can't find someone?

Speaker 2 (01:09):
And I my initial thought was it sounds so cheesy.

Speaker 3 (01:14):
But to love yourself, to date yourself, to actually put
the work into finding who you are and what you want,
not who wants me, who's looking at me? Why can't
I attract someone? Find yourself attractive? And if you don't,
if you aren't happy with who you are, or you
don't feel good about who you are, then work on.

Speaker 2 (01:35):
That and work on friendships.

Speaker 3 (01:37):
I think that's such a great way as a social escape,
instead of going out and hoping or wishing that you'd
find or bump into that man and have that amazing
meat cute that we all see in those ridiculous rom coms. Instead,
I don't know, but that's just yeah, what they call
them meat cute?

Speaker 1 (01:56):
Just figure that out about six months ago what that meant.

Speaker 3 (01:58):
And I think so many girls, and I'll be honest,
have it in their head that that might happen to them,
or that could happen, or maybe tonight's the.

Speaker 1 (02:04):
Night and read sure, the same cup at the Starbucks
counter in your hands touched.

Speaker 3 (02:08):
Right, or you drop the popcorn and you both go
down to get it and your and your hands touched
and look up and say oh you hi? Yes, or
even a car accident, a friendly thunder bender like these
can all turn into romantic relationship.

Speaker 2 (02:20):
No they don't, yeah, exactly, that never happens.

Speaker 3 (02:25):
So I feel like, maybe if you can, if you
maybe if you could focus on creating a really awesome
friend group where you're just focused on enjoying yourself and
others and not thinking about wanting or needing that romantic relationship.
I know that's really easy to say and hard to do,
but really to turn inward and to really what do
I want to do, what fills me up, what brings

(02:46):
me joy, and then go from there.

Speaker 1 (02:48):
I'm laughing and you're gonna know why. And because as
you were saying all of that, I turned my head
to my left. You turn yours to your right, and
tell everybody what's paused on the.

Speaker 2 (02:58):
Screen right now, Love Island not just the.

Speaker 1 (03:01):
Show like just you just so happened to pause it
where the logo is paused and we are looking at
the screen and it says love Island. As we're you're
telling people, yeah, I just love yourself, don't worry about it.

Speaker 3 (03:13):
Love Island USA. But see, that is like a fun
it's a fun fantasy exactly. And I do think sometimes
I can only speak for us girls. We get wrapped
up in the idea of the relationship, the idea of
the man, the idea of the marriage, the idea of
the boyfriend, because we have so many things that we're
watching and we think that's the way it should be.

Speaker 1 (03:35):
It is the way it should be, even sometimes it's
not the way. Sometimes it's never that way. But yes,
f is all she calls herself. But this is what
she wrote to us Amy and Tej. I'm a forty
two year old black female, one hundred and ninety five pounds,
five foot eleven inches tall. I don't drink, I don't smoke.

(03:57):
I have natural hair and a natural body type, educated
and have a good career. I own my own home car,
and play tennis, swim and do yoga. I travel and
volunteer in my community. Yet now where I live in
northern New Jersey, and previously in Pennsylvania, North Carolina, and
in Westchester County, New York, it's the same. I'm ignored

(04:18):
in the dating pool. I go to singles events and
join groups to Northvale. I try dating apps, but no
success there either. I choose not to be on social media.
I don't have any close friends or family to make introductions.
What else can I do? My question is robes. What
is it that men are looking for? I'm interested in

(04:38):
both of your perspectives, and so if you want to
read our full perspectives that we it's a much longer
explanation of our thoughts to her. It is on yahoo
dot com. Just go to the life section and it'll
be right there. But Robes, I got very hung up on,
as you know, the fact that the first thing out
of her mouth to describe herself was her height and

(05:00):
her weight. I know that that's usually the last thing
women want to lead with. The first thing is I
am a one hundred and ninety five pounds is the
first thing out of her mouth. So that already, I
think puts us all anybody reading into a mindset of
where her head is about what the dating situation is.

(05:20):
She felt that was important information.

Speaker 3 (05:22):
She felt like that information might be the reason why
she's having a hard time dating or finding a man,
and so she's saying, hey, I'm putting it all out there.

Speaker 2 (05:31):
I'm going to tell you what I'm up against.

Speaker 3 (05:33):
So it kind of felt like and she was definitely
went down the list of the things she has that
she thinks are positive that are going for her, and
she didn't say it was negative, but I think by
putting it up first, it was maybe implied that it
was okay?

Speaker 1 (05:48):
Can I ask that read her as in front of
you there still yes? So just start reading about her
in reverse? Right, start with I volunteer in my community,
I travel. Why did we not go that direction about yoga?
A good career body type, educated, home car tennis, and
then end with right.

Speaker 3 (06:08):
She led with you, you're right, you know that's so
interesting when you read it backwards. That's the way that
she would have been putting, you know, all of the things.

Speaker 2 (06:16):
She loves about herself first, and not that she shouldn't
or couldn't love all those.

Speaker 3 (06:20):
Other things about herself. But that is really interesting. And
she asked a direct question, what is it that men
are looking for?

Speaker 2 (06:27):
TJ. You're a man? What is it that men are
looking for?

Speaker 1 (06:32):
I think that depends on truly where men are at
certain periods of their own lives, not just sometimes a
numbers game, just a twenty five year olds looking for
this in the thirty eh. It depends on a twenty
eight year old could be settled and comfortable, and what
he wants and what he's looking for, and what's he
wants to do, and where his career is headed and
all kinds of it's just a matter of where there

(06:54):
are in their lives at the time. But I don't
know any point in anybody's life they want somebody putting on,
putting on a good face, put pretending to be something
that you actually think we want.

Speaker 2 (07:09):
That never works.

Speaker 1 (07:10):
It's gonna work because we're gonna see you in the morning, right,
And that's that's just the way of putting. I'm gonna
see you eventually, it's gonna come out. And then, oh god,
we got a problem, because, as we always say, when
you meet somebody, you're just meeting their representative. When you're
on a date, just their rep you'll meet the person
later on.

Speaker 2 (07:30):
Oh my god, that's hilarious.

Speaker 3 (07:31):
But but yes, of course, looks are important to a
lot of men and women. But eventually, we know intellectually,
looks fade.

Speaker 2 (07:43):
Everybody gets older.

Speaker 3 (07:45):
Nobody's gonna stay as hot as they are perhaps in
that first interview with the person that you're potentially going
to date. But what lasts I mean it's is confidence
always sexy. I'm not talking over confidence, but true confidence
is not always attractive and sexy.

Speaker 1 (08:02):
One hundred percent every single time. Confidence is one thing. Now,
some guys aren't necessarily intimidated by confidence, They're intimidated by success,
they're intimidated by alphas. That can be a case sometimes.
But nobody wants a I say nobody. I'm just speaking generally,
But any dude worth his salt is going to want

(08:25):
a woman who has a confident way about her, who
is not whimpering in some way, who is not needy
in some way. Oh my goodness, yes, so walk in
that My recommendation to her, walk embrace Walk in there
with your five eleven hundred and ninety five pounds self.
Nothing is wrong with you, You embrace it. If you're not,
who the hell else is going to She's putting that

(08:46):
out in the world, is what I was arguing. Ye
stop if you got a problem with it. Of course
somebody else is.

Speaker 3 (08:50):
It's so It's so true because she talks about going
to singles events and joining groups to no avail. She
says she's ignored and dating apps weren't successful either. But
I feel like if she walked into those same rooms
loving who she was, confident as hell, knowing that she
has something of extreme value that she could offer another person.

(09:11):
I think it might be the energy you walk into
a room with, and she said she doesn't have any
close friends or family to make introductions. I was curious
if that means she actually does not have any close
friends or family, or the one she has just don't
know anyone.

Speaker 2 (09:24):
I didn't know which one she meant.

Speaker 3 (09:26):
By that, But if it is the former, if she
doesn't have a lot of close friends, go find some,
Go make some. Establish those relationships with folks who you
are just friends and friendly with, and you can open
up all sorts of new doors. I do believe that's
oftentimes you even said this. The person who you might

(09:47):
or could possibly have a relationship with, could be in
your small circle, your ten blocks that you live, in,
the grocery store you go to. It's a lot of
times the energy you bring into a room.

Speaker 1 (09:58):
And I'm telling you, if there a woman five foot eleven,
one hundred ninety five pounds, it walks into a room, confidently,
all of us are gonna turn our heads and take peak. Yeah, yes,
and think what intrigued. Even if there's not some instant
physical sexual attraction, even that you're still a presence in

(10:18):
a room, own it be who you are. Knock yourself out.
You'd be surprised if you give that off. The right
dude is in the right radius, and it's going to
give that back to you. She's chasing something that doesn't
want her. If she stops doing that, it's going to
start coming. And I don't that. They might be five eight,

(10:41):
they might be six seven, I don't know, but they're coming,
but they're coming. All right, we'll stay with us because Robes,
you went through the comments with people riding back. I
mean you're saying once again, it was a bunch of dudes.

Speaker 2 (10:56):
A lot of men, a lot of men.

Speaker 3 (10:57):
But I do have I do have well, well I
can't tell some of them are gender neutral, but I
do have at least one woman who has weighed in.

Speaker 1 (11:05):
Hey, she probably makes more sense than the rest of them.

Speaker 3 (11:08):
Uh, you know what, the menor I'm really impressed they
are giving their honest assessments of what they think dudes
are like out there. So it's been the comments were,
as always very interesting.

Speaker 1 (11:19):
All right, stay here, I can't wait to hear.

Speaker 3 (11:30):
Welcome back everyone to this edition of Amy and TJ.
This is the Ask Amy and TJ podcast, where we
go a little deeper about our weekly Yahoo relationship advice
at Colin and every week we get a new question.
This week's question comes to us from f and she
is asking what men are looking for. She is single,

(11:52):
she's forty two years old. She gave us her height,
she gave us her weight, she told us all the
things she's great at, and yet still she says she
cannot find a man and she wanted some advice. What
are men looking for? That was her question to us,
And we had several people write in, and among them.

Speaker 2 (12:08):
Finally a woman.

Speaker 3 (12:09):
We've been laughing because we have so many men writing
in the comment section, and we love it. Men, keep
on writing your comments, but women, we implore you to
as well, because it's been fun to read them all.
But our first comment comes from Alana.

Speaker 2 (12:21):
Do you see it there? Tj uh?

Speaker 1 (12:22):
Let me get it in front of me here. Okay, hell,
you wanted me to. You saw you wanted me to
read it. Y'all gonna understand why she wanted me to
read it now? All right, Alana says Chip. The good
ones are gone brainwashed to believe that everything that doesn't
look like them is better. Unfortunately, you are a casualty
of that societal nonsensical trap. Whereas art has imitated life,

(12:48):
I'm in your same area, same issue. Try the Deep
South or abroad.

Speaker 2 (12:56):
What do you think about that that?

Speaker 3 (12:57):
Maybe it might be the area is that she lives in.
It might be where she is in the world.

Speaker 1 (13:03):
New Jersey, Pennsylvania, North Carolina, west Chester County.

Speaker 3 (13:07):
The northeast East Coast might have a slightly different I mean, look,
we watch these shows ninety day Fiance and what do
they always say to their relative who's now found love
in some other country. Couldn't just find a nice girl
or guy here at home?

Speaker 2 (13:22):
Why'd you have to go across the world?

Speaker 3 (13:24):
But sometimes people really feel like that is the only
way to find someone who isn't stuck in some certain
way of thinking about what they think they want or
what this area or this society makes them think they want.

Speaker 1 (13:39):
Change her dating pool, she should change her options. Now.
I didn't think about that because I yes, there are
certain folks and certain parts of the country who are
used to and don't mind at all. Yes, a woman
with a certain height and girth to her.

Speaker 3 (13:57):
Yes, all that's true, and there are different That makes
total sense. And she's saying, hey, I'm I'm do you
believe the good ones are all gone?

Speaker 1 (14:05):
DJ of course not.

Speaker 2 (14:06):
I don't either. I've never believed that.

Speaker 1 (14:09):
Hell, some of the bad ones are gone, yes.

Speaker 3 (14:14):
So I I you know what, it's never a bad
I don't think it's ever a bad thing to expand
the dating pool that you're looking in.

Speaker 2 (14:22):
I don't think that's bad advice at all.

Speaker 3 (14:24):
All Right, So this one comes to us from J.
And Jay doesn't necessarily have a gender attached to, so
I can't say if it's a him or her.

Speaker 2 (14:32):
It's just the letter J. But Jay, in the.

Speaker 3 (14:35):
Comments section, wrote this, two hundred pounds is a bit
of a problem. Looks do matter, not completely, but they
do matter.

Speaker 1 (14:46):
Okay, a bit of a problem. What does that mean?

Speaker 3 (14:49):
I believe maybe what he's saying is that it might
limit people who would be attracted to her. Some people
want someone who is of a certain height or a
certain weight, and if you weigh over a certain much
they a certain point they may not consider you attractive.

Speaker 1 (15:06):
Okay. I hate like Okay, And again she put it
out there, but I hate the idea that like weight
is it so therefore that there's a certain weight involved.
And it was almost like she's eliminated from being a
part of an attractive pool. Of people.

Speaker 3 (15:24):
I would like to believe that there are enough people
who don't care about that, there are enough people who
understand that everybody looks different, is different, and.

Speaker 2 (15:37):
There are enough people out there who are all different.

Speaker 3 (15:39):
Shapes of sizes that you can find people you're attracted to.

Speaker 1 (15:44):
What's her name? Oh my god, Alana. She's from the
rugby player US rugby mayor mayr.

Speaker 2 (15:53):
I am not going to get this one.

Speaker 1 (15:55):
Alana Mayer. You know who I'm talking about.

Speaker 2 (15:57):
No, I don't. Ah.

Speaker 1 (15:59):
She was a super star for USA, medaled in USA rugby.
Alana's he's he's googling for it, and I apologize that
I am Meyer Meyer.

Speaker 2 (16:09):
Alanna Meyer, Okay.

Speaker 1 (16:10):
Yes, you don't want to talk. You see your face now?

Speaker 2 (16:12):
Yes?

Speaker 3 (16:13):
Height and weight Alana Meyer height. I have to find
that now. I'm gonna have to google that.

Speaker 1 (16:19):
I remember if she's five ten around one hundred and
ninety pounds.

Speaker 2 (16:25):
Five ten, one hundred and ninety eight pounds. Wow, that
was good. Five to ten weight, one hundred and ninety
eight pounds.

Speaker 1 (16:34):
She's an Olympic medallist, she's an athlete, she's a stud,
she's a star. She's feminine, she's beautiful. She's strong, she's
all those things right, and she is the almost exact
same height.

Speaker 2 (16:51):
And wow, you nailed is that right? Yeah? I mean
almost to a tee.

Speaker 1 (16:55):
But you remember how much she was hailed and talked
about by talking about her body, by embracing her body,
and how strong you remember all that?

Speaker 3 (17:03):
Yes, yes, it's all coming back to me now and
the reality is yes, and enough women embrace that, lean
into it, own it, walk and strut down the road
carrying all of that gorgeousness.

Speaker 2 (17:16):
It's a game changer.

Speaker 3 (17:18):
I really do think how you feel about yourself has
a huge impact on how.

Speaker 2 (17:23):
Other people feel about you, like no question.

Speaker 3 (17:25):
So, yes, that comment is tough, and I know that
there may be some truth to that For some folks
that it could be limiting and it's tough to see that.
You know, she did put it out there and then
people did write about it. But I guess Jay is
trying to be honest from his perspective or her perspective.

Speaker 1 (17:42):
Was this from Valentino who wrote it? Was this?

Speaker 3 (17:45):
Uh? Valentino said this? This is what Valentino wanted to
tell or impart too. F the law of probability needs
to go into effect. Get more out there and do
other things. Go to different states or countries and just
engage with people, go to bookstores and gyms, and let

(18:06):
the natural course of basic conversation happen. By chance, the
universal law makes it happen.

Speaker 1 (18:12):
I'm okay with that.

Speaker 2 (18:13):
I am too okay with that. It's that whole What
do they say about luck.

Speaker 3 (18:16):
It's when opportunity meets the right time in the right place.
So you have to keep putting yourself out enough times
for those things to intersect.

Speaker 2 (18:24):
They don't just happen.

Speaker 1 (18:25):
Okay, that's actually really good advice.

Speaker 3 (18:27):
And so that's really the second person who has suggested
that maybe hey, you got to expand the dating pool.
Maybe where you are, if it's a smaller town or
a smaller area, or a smaller mindset, that maybe you
do need to go out and go to other countries
and travel abroad and see what else is out there.

Speaker 1 (18:44):
But there's also opportunity and the produce section at the
grocery store. It's a matter of just being open. You
and I have done this several times, like just test
it ourselves, just being aware and open to something, and
next thing, you know, on every other block, we're seeing
that thing that we wouldn't have seen before because we
would just open to something if he just opened to it.
There's opportunity all over the place.

Speaker 2 (19:05):
Water Walker is the last Yeah, so again, manner of
a woman. What do you think, water walker? I'm gonna
think anyone who thinks they can walk on water is
definitely to do.

Speaker 1 (19:15):
We will own.

Speaker 2 (19:16):
That, you know.

Speaker 3 (19:17):
And also, like we should say, these could be gender
neutral folks, Like we're actually not trying to define. I'm
just trying to get a sense of where some of
this perspective is coming from male energy or females. That's
a man. Yeah, that's hilarious, Like, yeah, Jesus mindset of course,
why did I even wonders?

Speaker 2 (19:35):
So funny?

Speaker 1 (19:35):
Okay, so let me tell us what he said.

Speaker 2 (19:39):
He said, better stop worrying about looks.

Speaker 3 (19:42):
Tall, dark, and handsome means nothing if they don't have
a good, loving heart. Many great men are out there
looking for love but get passed over because of women's
unrealistic expectations of what they consider the perfect man.

Speaker 1 (19:56):
Okay, obviously that's a dude.

Speaker 3 (19:57):
Yeah, he obviously had some experiences. He felt like he
too was looked over or passed over.

Speaker 1 (20:04):
He hand me up to a point, passed over because
of women's unrealistic expectations of what they consider to be
the perfect man. Good guys are being passed over because
of women's expectation.

Speaker 3 (20:21):
We've certainly heard that from for since the beginning of time,
that women say they want the good guy and the
sweet guy and the loving guy, but then they always
go for the bad boy, the one who's breaking their hearts,
the one that strings them along.

Speaker 1 (20:34):
Like so, this is something else, women's unrealistic expectations of
what they consider the perfect man. What is that? I think,
what unrealistic expectations.

Speaker 2 (20:43):
Let's go back to the rom com conversation.

Speaker 3 (20:45):
I think I think women, I will totally be honest
with you.

Speaker 1 (20:49):
You want.

Speaker 3 (20:50):
You want a man who's funny and charming, who's sexy
as hell, but who also is empathetic and caring and
knows when to comfort you and then at the end
of the night makes you feel safe and loved, And
if you get mad at him and act unfairly, he'll
chase after you and tell you I love you.

Speaker 2 (21:09):
Come back to me.

Speaker 1 (21:17):
Oh, I think.

Speaker 2 (21:18):
I think that's what water Walker is referring to.

Speaker 1 (21:22):
I could have never come up with that Oh, that.

Speaker 2 (21:26):
Was really easy for me. I could even go into
more dtail to.

Speaker 1 (21:29):
Ask a man, what do you think a woman's perfect
guy is?

Speaker 2 (21:33):
We will never.

Speaker 1 (21:34):
Come up with that.

Speaker 2 (21:37):
That's because you don't watch mom come.

Speaker 1 (21:39):
That was good. Okay, that was I'm gonna go back
and listen to this episode because that was incredible.

Speaker 3 (21:46):
You know what, though, a couple of other men I
saw just quick ones. You're like crying, you need to
wipe tears from your eyes. Some of the other men
who wrote into the comment section were also complaining that
they're too short, that it's really hard for a short
man to to find a woman, and.

Speaker 2 (22:01):
So, you know, it's it's I think it may be
what we were hearing. What were what we were hearing?

Speaker 3 (22:07):
Excuse me from f struck a chord with a lot
of folks who also feel similarly for different reasons. You know, men,
height is a big issue, and wait's always a big
issue for just about everybody. And so when people feel
like that's holding them back or what could they do
despite some of the physical attributes they were born with,
or that they actually don't mind about themselves but feel
like somehow create a harder.

Speaker 2 (22:28):
Or more difficult time for them to date.

Speaker 3 (22:29):
So this is I think this is an interesting conversation
and one that I think a lot of people want
to have and maybe don't know who to ask.

Speaker 1 (22:38):
Well, I'm glad that really it takes. I mean, I
know it is anonymity to f but still to put
yourself out there and to write that down and descend
it in took a level of bravery. So we appreciate
you writing into us, folks. Anytime you can do the
same again. It's a Yahoo dot com in the life section,
you'll see us right there. But for now, I'm TJ. Holmes.

(23:00):
Have of my partner in your robot. We'll talk to Alsine.

Speaker 3 (23:04):
M m m
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