Pick up a dish towel. If you want to show how much you love your partner, cleaning might be the way to go. T.J. surprises Robach with today’s topic, and turns out, she didn’t need to do research on the topic. She had PLENTY to say.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey, there are folks. It is Sunday, August seventeenth, here
alongside my dear Robot. We all know Robes. There are
how many love languages?
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Five?
Speaker 1 (00:14):
That wasn't a trick question.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
I know I was trying to decide whether it was
four or five. But I think it's.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Fine there are five. Until now we have discovered a
sixth love language. Could it be the missing piece in
your relationship? Welcome everybody to this very special edition of
Amy and TJ Special because we're doing something we've never
done before, because Robes are sitting here having zero idea
(00:42):
the topic of this podcast episode.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
Yes, you asked me, hey, would you trust me if
I came up with an episode that you knew nothing
about that I researched, that I led and you just
are along for the ride. And I said, you know what,
sign me up.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
And here we are now on this journey because this
is something you've talked to me about plenty over the years.
And I think absolutely millions of people have used this before,
and I think a lot of people would say this
has helped them, this idea of their being love languages.
Five love languages. I think this goes back decades, but
they've sold millions of books. But this idea that we
(01:19):
need to robes understand how to communicate via love. I
need to understand how you like to be loved, and
you have to understand how I had to be loved.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
Yes, And I think in prior relationships I have absolutely
blurted out, you don't know how to love me. And
it's been frustrating because I think we all know what
we need and what we want, and we then tried
to apply that to our partner, thinking, hey, I'm doing
and giving you what I need and what I want,
but it might not be what that other person needs
or wants at all. And so there in lies part
(01:49):
of the massive miscommunication that oftentimes happens in relationships.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
You just mentioned something that's very key because that's one
of the I think one of the things it teaches
is that one of the best things, the best way
to understand how your partner wants to be loved is
to pay attention to how they're loving you. You actually
have to figure out this thing, and so it's something
that's very they it's their bite size, right, these bite
(02:14):
we can understand the metaphor of language, right. We need
to learn how to communicate. And then five, that's very simple.
Five love languages. Now. Gary Chapman, who put this book out, said,
we all have a primary and a secondary. Do you
know what yours are?
Speaker 2 (02:28):
So yes, I do in my relationship with you, But
I have found it to be fascinating anyone who's had different, serious,
significant relationships. My love language has changed based on what
partner I'm with, and that has been really interesting.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
That's not supposed to be the case, I know.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Well, what I would say is that I have never
really felt true love in the way I have felt
in my relationship with you, because I was somebody who said,
and you, I think, as my friend knew, I said
this throughout my life that I was not into physical
touch and that I was not a big handholder, and
I was not a big hugger. And I think a
(03:04):
lot of my friends would tell you, generally speaking, yeah,
that might be the German in me, like we just
aren't touchy feely people culturally speaking, and I'm very German,
and so I just kind of always attributed that to
myself based on maybe even just how I was raised
in the culture in which I was raised, and just
kind of put it aside but now in a relationship
with you, is it blew my mind that my number one,
(03:28):
my primary love language is now.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
Touch? Huh?
Speaker 2 (03:34):
And that's wild physical touch and it even blew my mind.
So yes, my number one primary would be physical touch
and my secondary one would be acts of service?
Speaker 1 (03:44):
Okay, what would be my too? Would you get? I
think we discussed this. I think I know.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
I think yours would be quality time and words of affirmation.
But maybe I'm wrong. That's what I would guess.
Speaker 1 (03:55):
Words of affirmation is certainly out there. I don't know
why physical touches might be number of four five on
the list.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
It's low for you, and it was for me before,
but now I actually it's it's almost in a weird way.
I think maybe I wore it as a badge of honor,
like I don't need physical Dutch But actually I fully
do you know.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
Words of affirmation, gifts giving, and acts of service? I
would I don't know how to decide these up.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
I can tell you how you love me. I feel
like you first started showing me some love with gifts, okay,
and then acts of service period. You're you don't give
me a lot of words of affirmation. I'm not trying
to throw a dig at you, but that's just not
a strong suit of yours and compliments. You're saying, yeah,
you're not a big compliment giver, but you're not. But
(04:41):
that's okay, that's okay. I recognize that.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
It's not one of your love languages anyway. I'm just
trying to communicate with you the way.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
No, but you are really big on acts of service,
which I appreciate. I recognize. I see that and I
see you doing that, and I think that is one
of my languages towards you. So I feel like that's
a good cyprocal one where I think we but maybe
you don't feel the same way.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Now, what is an act of service? How do the
people show love through an act of service?
Speaker 2 (05:08):
Picking up I think, duties around the house without being asked,
but you just do it because you know it's a
way of loving someone, making up the bed, even preparing
a meal, cleaning up after a meal, cleaning up the apartment,
taking care of bills, like just kind of taking on
stuff that's hard and doing it because you're kind of
(05:28):
putting your hand up and saying, I'll take care of this, okay.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
Now you just just describe to people who are in
a relationship like we have, who are very well established,
who are in the same home. Now, how does an
act of service show up and you're not in a
home together.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
I would say opening the car door, opening opening a
door for someone, paying the bill. I would even think
planning a vacation or you know, planning a surprise or
a birthday. All those things are acts of service and
showing someone you love them by taking care of something
that most people don't want to have to take care of.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
All right, So as a reminder, here the five love languages.
I'm about to tell you the sixth that we have now,
but the five acts excuse me. The five love languages
physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality, time,
gift giving. Those are the five. A sixth has been established.
And there was a reason, Robes that I focused in
(06:24):
on acts of service when you said it and wondered
what type of thing would be an act of service
because a new survey says that the sixth act of love.
I guess the sixth love language is cleaning.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
Funny because cleaning, I would think would be a part
of acts of service.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
It's a part, but acts of service as you mentioned,
can be paying this bill, taking care of the hotel reservation,
going to get the car.
Speaker 2 (06:55):
For getting the tail I swim you're out of.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
Yes, those are all acts of service, but specifically cleaning.
Idea of cleaning. According to this survey of a thousand adults,
fifty four percent of them said that cleaning is their
love language. When they were given an option was that
women mostly don't have that demographic.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
Better, that was like ninety eight percent women, and you
were among them. Though I will tell you this. You know,
everyone knows. We were friends for a very long time.
And I remember when you because you didn't have a
dressing room a Good Morning America for quite some time.
It wasn't until you became the anchor of GMA three
did you officially get your personal own dressing room. And
(07:40):
so that was the first time I actually saw because
I didn't know how you don't know how neat or
clean or how somebody is unless you live with them
usually or you're in their apartment. We had never had
obviously that experience. So when you moved into GMA studios,
so to speak, and I saw your dressing room and
I saw how you took care of it. And how
it always smelled good. There were candles. I think that
might have illegal, but you always it was like you
(08:02):
had lysol wipes and everything was organized. And I was like, wow,
I noticed you, I think for the first time in
a different way. I was like, Wow, this is really sexy.
Because I've always said, like, if you come home as
a woman and you like, what would be the sexiest
thing you could see your man doing, Oh my god,
(08:23):
vacuuming a bottle of Windex in his hands, Like, baby,
that is so hot.
Speaker 3 (08:29):
Like I have absolutely joked about this, and you're the
first man ever where that actually came true. So, Yes, cleaning,
I would, I would sew and because I think that
I also.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
Contribute a lot in that area. I'm very much into
having a clean, neat organized house. So yeah, when you
see somebody stepping in and also caring that much about
what it takes to keep a clean house, especially when
there are kids in craziness, that's hot.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
All right, So let me give you some more details
about what these folks say in this survey. So yes
represents a cleaning is their love language eighty five percent.
So that's damn near everybody. Do recognize that cleaning is
an act of love.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
Yes, Wow, I totally concur with that, because, oh, it
just you feel like you have a partner. That's the
best way I can describe it. I think something that
everyone and certainly I have been seeking for my entire
adult life is a true partner, and I think it's
really hard to find.
Speaker 1 (09:29):
I never thought until I saw this, and it does
seem like a little throw away, a little silly thing,
and haha, and yes there's something there, but there is
actually more there than I thought. When you think about
how much time is spent arguing over who's doing this,
who didn't do that, who left this for me to
now do, or who's cleaning up after who? This is
(09:50):
such a big part of relationship.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
It's a matter of respects, and I think that's where
it falls because if you feel like this other person
just lead like this is how I feel about my well,
I guess they're not even teenagers anymore, but my now
adult daughters. You leave stuff around, who do you think
is going to pick that up? It is an absolute
slap in the face to the next person who walks
in the room. So if the two of you are
(10:12):
living together, building a life together, and you come in
and stuff is everywhere. All the stuff from the night
before is in the kitchen sink like that. That was
always my big issue. Oh, thanks for putting it in
the sink. No, it takes an extra five seconds to
follow through and put it in a dishwasher. I don't
think I've ever like we've if we have collectively decided
to leave shit, which is very rare, it's because we
(10:34):
made a joint decision or we're like, f this. But
I've never walked in and seen you like just like
when you fully had time, just make a choice, and
it is a choice to leave shit laying around for
the next person. That's never happened. We have never had
an argument. I have never felt annoyed by you in
that regard.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
I did not know this is going to strike, so
it's a nerve. This is hilarious. It's huge to what
you're just saying. Another part of the survey, eight out
of ten believe a clean home reflects respect for your partner.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
Ex a men. I love the way they just said that,
because that is exact and I had no idea. I
did not read this article, but respect was the first
thing I could think of because I have felt truly
disrespected for most of my life.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
Because really it usually if you don't clean up after
yourself in your home, nobody expects to always live in
a dirty home. So that means you have an expectation
that somebody is going to clean up after you.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Now that is a respect issue or the worst part
is where you're told And yes, I am speaking from
personal experience that I haven't quite let go of yet
that your standards are too high, that you have an
unrealistic expectation of what a home should look like. And
I'm like, yet, no, I don't. I don't want mess,
(11:52):
clutter and smells in my home when I come home.
I want to be relaxed and have Z feelings.
Speaker 1 (12:01):
And here you go, another big number here, seventy five percent.
They believe that sharing chores is more romantic than giving gifts.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
I so agree, really so agree.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Wow romantic though.
Speaker 2 (12:15):
Yes, because I actually can I consider it And maybe
this is just I don't know, but I can. I
think a lot of women do feel like the onus
is on them to clean keep, to keep a clean home,
to keep a well appointed home. But when you see
the man in your life, and I am just speaking
from a heterosexual standpoint because that's my experience. But obviously
this occur for anyone's relationship. But when you see that
(12:36):
other partner care enough to also contribute and to give
a shit basically about your shared living environment, it feels
like a romantic gesture. It actually does. I don't know
if it feels that way for men. For a woman,
where I feel like we assume that responsibility a lot
of times for whatever reason, and to see a man
(12:57):
step up and clean like you feel like he's taking
care of you.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
Oh, we're just scratching the service here. Y'all ain't going
to believe how many people say seeing their partner doing
dishes without being asked is more romantic than receiving a
dozen roses. Also, Robes, there's research, actual scientific research out
(13:21):
there that says the five love languages as bullshit. Anyway,
we continue now, and I have you all know. During
that break, Robes actually said to me again, this was
a surprise. She didn't know this was a topic. She
just said, they just tapped into something for me like
(13:44):
this is. It absolutely does. This is. I don't know
why I saw this and was so quick to be dismissed. Oh,
this will be fun and then like, well wait, this
is kind of serious.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
And you know what, babe, I would say, any woman
out woman listening right now, you know who you are,
You're like, this reads, this resonates, this is exactly like people,
it's so funny. So any manner Like I don't know
how to make a woman happy, Yeah I do. I
can tell you clean, participate and actually be a part
of the household. That that's I think mostly what we want.
(14:18):
We want a partner. We want to share in everything,
and that also includes the chores.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Yes, if I were to give, Like, what's the simplest
way you want to improve your relationship this week to
every man just listening, just for one week, Sunday through
Saturday of this week, pick up after yourself in all
you do. That's every dish, that's every toothbrush, that's every
shaving cream, everything you do, every towel, put it in
(14:46):
its proper place. Clean the dishes. I'm not telling you
to even cook, but without being asked, clean the dishes,
and you would be surprised how much your relationship might
improve this.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Week without a doubt, Like, I can absolutely confirm that,
confirm that because you it does feel like you're being
taken care of. It's akin to I don't know, someone
taking care of something that you thought you had to do,
and all of a sudden, you see this person who
steps in and does it. And I hate to say
does it for you because it actually isn't that. That's
not a fair way to actually frame it, but that
(15:21):
is how it feels, because yes, this is a shared responsibility.
I hate when people say that their husbands are babysitting
the kids, like it's the same thing, Like no, oh, yeah,
we are all in this together and we are a team,
and so this is shared responsibilities. But to have the
other person in your life acknowledge that is everything. It's
not like thank you, I shouldn't have to thank you
(15:41):
for doing something that I do every day, but that
we should actually be sharing. But I think that happens
a lot of times. It certainly has happened in my life. Like, wait,
why am I thanking this person I do this every day?
Why am I assuming this is all on me?
Speaker 1 (15:55):
You know, we spend plenty of time every day and
this is something huge between the two of us. I said,
that's silly. Stop don't thank me for that, and thank
me for while. Even when I cook and clean.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
I do say thanks, you.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
Say think, but it's it's okay. Everything evens out. It's
it's fine, and it's it's not like it's my job
or it's your job. It's just this was what I'm
deciding to do for us, And I don't know, I
never considered that a big deal. And get where you're
coming from, but I came from a house where I
grew up and my dad would declare this, I cook,
I ain't cleaning right, that kind of a thing, and
(16:28):
I never saw this, And it's okay, we're a different time,
but it's any kind of shared chores and responsibilities. It
was either here or theyre, oh yeah he did the
she did, Dad, we did. It was so different.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
I think that's how a lot of folks grew up.
My dad went out, and you know, my mom eventually
went back and was a teacher, but she was expected
to make all the food, and we were expected as
kids we would clean up. We got allowances, and my
brother and I would split weeks. But it was all
very delegated, and I mean that's just the way it
was growing up. But so when you see a true partnership.
That that's sexy as hell.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
All right, last big stat, the big big stat here
is a number of people, all right, a partner who
thinks that doing dishes without being asked. If you see
your partner doing dishes without being asked, how sexy is
that to you? First?
Speaker 2 (17:15):
So sexy? You actually feel warm all over, like you
feel love, like I actually feel giddy.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
Yes, that you would rather walk into seeing your seeing
me doing dishes without being asked than walking in and
seeing two dozen red roses on the countersip.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
I think they're equivalent. I mean, here's the deal. This
sounds bad, but you do it all the time. But
when I I'll take it back to when I first
started seeing you do this, and I was so taken
aback by it, it was so sexy. I would absolutely
say the dish is one. Now I think I'm not
saying I have gotten used to it in the sense
that I expected. I don't. But I think they're equivalent.
(18:01):
I think is a fair thing to say, like either
one would be wonderful, But actually, in terms of the
long term man joy that comes from it, it probably
the dishes win.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
Wow. So I've washed more dishes than I've sent roses
I need to do.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
You want to know, but yeah, and that's a good thing.
You want to know what the other thing is when
you give someone roses, right, you're like, look what I did,
Here's what I did for you. And not that I
don't want to say that that's your only motivation, but
there is some joy in like da da da da.
When you're doing the dishes, there's no really it's a
thankless job. You're not getting any reward for it. There's
no oh my god, baby and a hug and a
(18:39):
kiss and a swirl.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
No.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
So that in a way, giving the roses might be
a little more self serving and doing the dishes is
a little more just selfless loving.
Speaker 1 (18:50):
Give me the guests you would have, then you give
me your What would your estimate be the number of
people who say that seeing your partner do the dishes
without being asked is more romantic than a dozen roses.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
I would say among women or just people.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
There's people in the survey. It was among so who
knows how many, but how many women were in the survey, but.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
I would say eighty five percent.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
It's pretty close.
Speaker 2 (19:13):
Two thirds Okay, yeah, but overwhelmingly the majority of women people.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
I would rather get my partner doing.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
Dishes without being asked.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
Than a dozen roses.
Speaker 2 (19:27):
That's a big because the worst thing is when you
have a partner, when you even even when you ask them, hey,
would you mind, and then they still don't do it.
Let me tell you that's nuclear.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
Last thing here. Look, if you can believe in the
love languages, knock yourself out. But there is actually research
out there, scientific research that says that the five love
language are essentially bs. Really, and they say they're bs
for this reason, and that what they've done, there's no
research anything that suggests any of these things are more
(19:59):
benefit relationships. What they say is it's good marketing by
using a metaphor that we can all understand language, how
do we communicate love? We all seem to understand that,
so love language, how do we communicate through love? And
then you gave them five very simple concepts to go with.
So yes, a lot of people have applied it, a
(20:20):
lot of people do use it. But the idea is
that you have to actually be fluent in all of them.
That's so true that you actually need to be able
to recognize so instead of you looking for somebody are
we compatible this or that? Are you the one who
is able to recognize and see what your needs are
and what the needs are of the people around you.
(20:42):
And it might be this, it might be that, It
might be a little bit of this, might be a
little bit of that. But they say, look at it
as a diet. If you want to use another metaphor,
look at it as a diet road sure, pyramid, right, No, No,
the idea of yes, you can do all vegan. Yes
you could do a little pestitarian, you could do keto,
(21:02):
you could do all these things. But really the healthiest
you're going to be is to be able to consume
a little bit of this stuff in the right moderation.
You have to have a balanced love diet as well.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
That I actually think both things can be true. The
languages are helpful in terms of just kind of identifying
the ways that we can love one another. But I
do like the idea of tapping into all of them
because I actually always have a hard time ranking them
because sometimes, like well, sometimes I'd prefer quality time, and
then sometimes I'd prefer, you know, physical touch, But then
(21:35):
there are times and I really need words of affirmation,
and then God, please please acts of service, and then
gifts are always fun. So yeah, I get that that
all makes perfect sense, but I appreciate the distinction. I
appreciate kind of thinking of the different ways we can
love each other. You know, I love is love, but
mostly it's selfless and it's not self serving, and it's
(21:57):
not seeking attention. And I think that's always I mean,
that's what I have learned over the years. You can
kind of see through some of the attempts as more
of a selfish I want to feel a hit from
your love versus I actually just want to do this
thing for you and I don't need anything in return.
Speaker 1 (22:12):
There is a difference, and even the scientists that took
on or challenged the idea of five love languages did
appreciate that it got us all to think about the
other person's needs and just identifying how that other person
might want or need even to be loved. So I
thought this was very interesting. So I hope this work
(22:32):
for you.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
This was such a good episode. I actually loved that.
I didn't even think about it until I actually spoke
on it. Maybe that could be bad in the future,
but it was fun today. Thank you.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
Oh, this one works all right, folks, whatever you're doing
out there, if you are trying to find a way,
just a simple gesture of love. Maybe just clean maybe
just clean up for that partner and see what happens
that starts somewhere. As always, also appreciate you hanging with us.
I am t J. Holmes alongside my partner. Let me
roll back. I'm head to the kitchen. See y'all sin
(23:06):
yeah m
Hey, there are folks. It is Sunday, August seventeenth, here
alongside my dear Robot. We all know Robes. There are
how many love languages?
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Five?
Speaker 1 (00:14):
That wasn't a trick question.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
I know I was trying to decide whether it was
four or five. But I think it's.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Fine there are five. Until now we have discovered a
sixth love language. Could it be the missing piece in
your relationship? Welcome everybody to this very special edition of
Amy and TJ Special because we're doing something we've never
done before, because Robes are sitting here having zero idea
(00:42):
the topic of this podcast episode.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
Yes, you asked me, hey, would you trust me if
I came up with an episode that you knew nothing
about that I researched, that I led and you just
are along for the ride. And I said, you know what,
sign me up.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
And here we are now on this journey because this
is something you've talked to me about plenty over the years.
And I think absolutely millions of people have used this before,
and I think a lot of people would say this
has helped them, this idea of their being love languages.
Five love languages. I think this goes back decades, but
they've sold millions of books. But this idea that we
(01:19):
need to robes understand how to communicate via love. I
need to understand how you like to be loved, and
you have to understand how I had to be loved.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
Yes, And I think in prior relationships I have absolutely
blurted out, you don't know how to love me. And
it's been frustrating because I think we all know what
we need and what we want, and we then tried
to apply that to our partner, thinking, hey, I'm doing
and giving you what I need and what I want,
but it might not be what that other person needs
or wants at all. And so there in lies part
(01:49):
of the massive miscommunication that oftentimes happens in relationships.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
You just mentioned something that's very key because that's one
of the I think one of the things it teaches
is that one of the best things, the best way
to understand how your partner wants to be loved is
to pay attention to how they're loving you. You actually
have to figure out this thing, and so it's something
that's very they it's their bite size, right, these bite
(02:14):
we can understand the metaphor of language, right. We need
to learn how to communicate. And then five, that's very simple.
Five love languages. Now. Gary Chapman, who put this book out, said,
we all have a primary and a secondary. Do you
know what yours are?
Speaker 2 (02:28):
So yes, I do in my relationship with you, But
I have found it to be fascinating anyone who's had different, serious,
significant relationships. My love language has changed based on what
partner I'm with, and that has been really interesting.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
That's not supposed to be the case, I know.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Well, what I would say is that I have never
really felt true love in the way I have felt
in my relationship with you, because I was somebody who said,
and you, I think, as my friend knew, I said
this throughout my life that I was not into physical
touch and that I was not a big handholder, and
I was not a big hugger. And I think a
(03:04):
lot of my friends would tell you, generally speaking, yeah,
that might be the German in me, like we just
aren't touchy feely people culturally speaking, and I'm very German,
and so I just kind of always attributed that to
myself based on maybe even just how I was raised
in the culture in which I was raised, and just
kind of put it aside but now in a relationship
with you, is it blew my mind that my number one,
(03:28):
my primary love language is now.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
Touch? Huh?
Speaker 2 (03:34):
And that's wild physical touch and it even blew my mind.
So yes, my number one primary would be physical touch
and my secondary one would be acts of service?
Speaker 1 (03:44):
Okay, what would be my too? Would you get? I
think we discussed this. I think I know.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
I think yours would be quality time and words of affirmation.
But maybe I'm wrong. That's what I would guess.
Speaker 1 (03:55):
Words of affirmation is certainly out there. I don't know
why physical touches might be number of four five on
the list.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
It's low for you, and it was for me before,
but now I actually it's it's almost in a weird way.
I think maybe I wore it as a badge of honor,
like I don't need physical Dutch But actually I fully
do you know.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
Words of affirmation, gifts giving, and acts of service? I
would I don't know how to decide these up.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
I can tell you how you love me. I feel
like you first started showing me some love with gifts, okay,
and then acts of service period. You're you don't give
me a lot of words of affirmation. I'm not trying
to throw a dig at you, but that's just not
a strong suit of yours and compliments. You're saying, yeah,
you're not a big compliment giver, but you're not. But
(04:41):
that's okay, that's okay. I recognize that.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
It's not one of your love languages anyway. I'm just
trying to communicate with you the way.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
No, but you are really big on acts of service,
which I appreciate. I recognize. I see that and I
see you doing that, and I think that is one
of my languages towards you. So I feel like that's
a good cyprocal one where I think we but maybe
you don't feel the same way.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Now, what is an act of service? How do the
people show love through an act of service?
Speaker 2 (05:08):
Picking up I think, duties around the house without being asked,
but you just do it because you know it's a
way of loving someone, making up the bed, even preparing
a meal, cleaning up after a meal, cleaning up the apartment,
taking care of bills, like just kind of taking on
stuff that's hard and doing it because you're kind of
(05:28):
putting your hand up and saying, I'll take care of this, okay.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
Now you just just describe to people who are in
a relationship like we have, who are very well established,
who are in the same home. Now, how does an
act of service show up and you're not in a
home together.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
I would say opening the car door, opening opening a
door for someone, paying the bill. I would even think
planning a vacation or you know, planning a surprise or
a birthday. All those things are acts of service and
showing someone you love them by taking care of something
that most people don't want to have to take care of.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
All right, So as a reminder, here the five love languages.
I'm about to tell you the sixth that we have now,
but the five acts excuse me. The five love languages
physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality, time,
gift giving. Those are the five. A sixth has been established.
And there was a reason, Robes that I focused in
(06:24):
on acts of service when you said it and wondered
what type of thing would be an act of service
because a new survey says that the sixth act of love.
I guess the sixth love language is cleaning.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
Funny because cleaning, I would think would be a part
of acts of service.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
It's a part, but acts of service as you mentioned,
can be paying this bill, taking care of the hotel reservation,
going to get the car.
Speaker 2 (06:55):
For getting the tail I swim you're out of.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
Yes, those are all acts of service, but specifically cleaning.
Idea of cleaning. According to this survey of a thousand adults,
fifty four percent of them said that cleaning is their
love language. When they were given an option was that
women mostly don't have that demographic.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
Better, that was like ninety eight percent women, and you
were among them. Though I will tell you this. You know,
everyone knows. We were friends for a very long time.
And I remember when you because you didn't have a
dressing room a Good Morning America for quite some time.
It wasn't until you became the anchor of GMA three
did you officially get your personal own dressing room. And
(07:40):
so that was the first time I actually saw because
I didn't know how you don't know how neat or
clean or how somebody is unless you live with them
usually or you're in their apartment. We had never had
obviously that experience. So when you moved into GMA studios,
so to speak, and I saw your dressing room and
I saw how you took care of it. And how
it always smelled good. There were candles. I think that
might have illegal, but you always it was like you
(08:02):
had lysol wipes and everything was organized. And I was like, wow,
I noticed you, I think for the first time in
a different way. I was like, Wow, this is really sexy.
Because I've always said, like, if you come home as
a woman and you like, what would be the sexiest
thing you could see your man doing, Oh my god,
(08:23):
vacuuming a bottle of Windex in his hands, Like, baby,
that is so hot.
Speaker 3 (08:29):
Like I have absolutely joked about this, and you're the
first man ever where that actually came true. So, Yes, cleaning,
I would, I would sew and because I think that
I also.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
Contribute a lot in that area. I'm very much into
having a clean, neat organized house. So yeah, when you
see somebody stepping in and also caring that much about
what it takes to keep a clean house, especially when
there are kids in craziness, that's hot.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
All right, So let me give you some more details
about what these folks say in this survey. So yes
represents a cleaning is their love language eighty five percent.
So that's damn near everybody. Do recognize that cleaning is
an act of love.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
Yes, Wow, I totally concur with that, because, oh, it
just you feel like you have a partner. That's the
best way I can describe it. I think something that
everyone and certainly I have been seeking for my entire
adult life is a true partner, and I think it's
really hard to find.
Speaker 1 (09:29):
I never thought until I saw this, and it does
seem like a little throw away, a little silly thing,
and haha, and yes there's something there, but there is
actually more there than I thought. When you think about
how much time is spent arguing over who's doing this,
who didn't do that, who left this for me to
now do, or who's cleaning up after who? This is
(09:50):
such a big part of relationship.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
It's a matter of respects, and I think that's where
it falls because if you feel like this other person
just lead like this is how I feel about my well,
I guess they're not even teenagers anymore, but my now
adult daughters. You leave stuff around, who do you think
is going to pick that up? It is an absolute
slap in the face to the next person who walks
in the room. So if the two of you are
(10:12):
living together, building a life together, and you come in
and stuff is everywhere. All the stuff from the night
before is in the kitchen sink like that. That was
always my big issue. Oh, thanks for putting it in
the sink. No, it takes an extra five seconds to
follow through and put it in a dishwasher. I don't
think I've ever like we've if we have collectively decided
to leave shit, which is very rare, it's because we
(10:34):
made a joint decision or we're like, f this. But
I've never walked in and seen you like just like
when you fully had time, just make a choice, and
it is a choice to leave shit laying around for
the next person. That's never happened. We have never had
an argument. I have never felt annoyed by you in
that regard.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
I did not know this is going to strike, so
it's a nerve. This is hilarious. It's huge to what
you're just saying. Another part of the survey, eight out
of ten believe a clean home reflects respect for your partner.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
Ex a men. I love the way they just said that,
because that is exact and I had no idea. I
did not read this article, but respect was the first
thing I could think of because I have felt truly
disrespected for most of my life.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
Because really it usually if you don't clean up after
yourself in your home, nobody expects to always live in
a dirty home. So that means you have an expectation
that somebody is going to clean up after you.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Now that is a respect issue or the worst part
is where you're told And yes, I am speaking from
personal experience that I haven't quite let go of yet
that your standards are too high, that you have an
unrealistic expectation of what a home should look like. And
I'm like, yet, no, I don't. I don't want mess,
(11:52):
clutter and smells in my home when I come home.
I want to be relaxed and have Z feelings.
Speaker 1 (12:01):
And here you go, another big number here, seventy five percent.
They believe that sharing chores is more romantic than giving gifts.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
I so agree, really so agree.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Wow romantic though.
Speaker 2 (12:15):
Yes, because I actually can I consider it And maybe
this is just I don't know, but I can. I
think a lot of women do feel like the onus
is on them to clean keep, to keep a clean home,
to keep a well appointed home. But when you see
the man in your life, and I am just speaking
from a heterosexual standpoint because that's my experience. But obviously
this occur for anyone's relationship. But when you see that
(12:36):
other partner care enough to also contribute and to give
a shit basically about your shared living environment, it feels
like a romantic gesture. It actually does. I don't know
if it feels that way for men. For a woman,
where I feel like we assume that responsibility a lot
of times for whatever reason, and to see a man
(12:57):
step up and clean like you feel like he's taking
care of you.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
Oh, we're just scratching the service here. Y'all ain't going
to believe how many people say seeing their partner doing
dishes without being asked is more romantic than receiving a
dozen roses. Also, Robes, there's research, actual scientific research out
(13:21):
there that says the five love languages as bullshit. Anyway,
we continue now, and I have you all know. During
that break, Robes actually said to me again, this was
a surprise. She didn't know this was a topic. She
just said, they just tapped into something for me like
(13:44):
this is. It absolutely does. This is. I don't know
why I saw this and was so quick to be dismissed. Oh,
this will be fun and then like, well wait, this
is kind of serious.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
And you know what, babe, I would say, any woman
out woman listening right now, you know who you are,
You're like, this reads, this resonates, this is exactly like people,
it's so funny. So any manner Like I don't know
how to make a woman happy, Yeah I do. I
can tell you clean, participate and actually be a part
of the household. That that's I think mostly what we want.
(14:18):
We want a partner. We want to share in everything,
and that also includes the chores.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Yes, if I were to give, Like, what's the simplest
way you want to improve your relationship this week to
every man just listening, just for one week, Sunday through
Saturday of this week, pick up after yourself in all
you do. That's every dish, that's every toothbrush, that's every
shaving cream, everything you do, every towel, put it in
(14:46):
its proper place. Clean the dishes. I'm not telling you
to even cook, but without being asked, clean the dishes,
and you would be surprised how much your relationship might
improve this.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Week without a doubt, Like, I can absolutely confirm that,
confirm that because you it does feel like you're being
taken care of. It's akin to I don't know, someone
taking care of something that you thought you had to do,
and all of a sudden, you see this person who
steps in and does it. And I hate to say
does it for you because it actually isn't that. That's
not a fair way to actually frame it, but that
(15:21):
is how it feels, because yes, this is a shared responsibility.
I hate when people say that their husbands are babysitting
the kids, like it's the same thing, Like no, oh, yeah,
we are all in this together and we are a team,
and so this is shared responsibilities. But to have the
other person in your life acknowledge that is everything. It's
not like thank you, I shouldn't have to thank you
(15:41):
for doing something that I do every day, but that
we should actually be sharing. But I think that happens
a lot of times. It certainly has happened in my life. Like, wait,
why am I thanking this person I do this every day?
Why am I assuming this is all on me?
Speaker 1 (15:55):
You know, we spend plenty of time every day and
this is something huge between the two of us. I said,
that's silly. Stop don't thank me for that, and thank
me for while. Even when I cook and clean.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
I do say thanks, you.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
Say think, but it's it's okay. Everything evens out. It's
it's fine, and it's it's not like it's my job
or it's your job. It's just this was what I'm
deciding to do for us, And I don't know, I
never considered that a big deal. And get where you're
coming from, but I came from a house where I
grew up and my dad would declare this, I cook,
I ain't cleaning right, that kind of a thing, and
(16:28):
I never saw this, And it's okay, we're a different time,
but it's any kind of shared chores and responsibilities. It
was either here or theyre, oh yeah he did the
she did, Dad, we did. It was so different.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
I think that's how a lot of folks grew up.
My dad went out, and you know, my mom eventually
went back and was a teacher, but she was expected
to make all the food, and we were expected as
kids we would clean up. We got allowances, and my
brother and I would split weeks. But it was all
very delegated, and I mean that's just the way it
was growing up. But so when you see a true partnership.
That that's sexy as hell.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
All right, last big stat, the big big stat here
is a number of people, all right, a partner who
thinks that doing dishes without being asked. If you see
your partner doing dishes without being asked, how sexy is
that to you? First?
Speaker 2 (17:15):
So sexy? You actually feel warm all over, like you
feel love, like I actually feel giddy.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
Yes, that you would rather walk into seeing your seeing
me doing dishes without being asked than walking in and
seeing two dozen red roses on the countersip.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
I think they're equivalent. I mean, here's the deal. This
sounds bad, but you do it all the time. But
when I I'll take it back to when I first
started seeing you do this, and I was so taken
aback by it, it was so sexy. I would absolutely
say the dish is one. Now I think I'm not
saying I have gotten used to it in the sense
that I expected. I don't. But I think they're equivalent.
(18:01):
I think is a fair thing to say, like either
one would be wonderful, But actually, in terms of the
long term man joy that comes from it, it probably
the dishes win.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
Wow. So I've washed more dishes than I've sent roses
I need to do.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
You want to know, but yeah, and that's a good thing.
You want to know what the other thing is when
you give someone roses, right, you're like, look what I did,
Here's what I did for you. And not that I
don't want to say that that's your only motivation, but
there is some joy in like da da da da.
When you're doing the dishes, there's no really it's a
thankless job. You're not getting any reward for it. There's
no oh my god, baby and a hug and a
(18:39):
kiss and a swirl.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
No.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
So that in a way, giving the roses might be
a little more self serving and doing the dishes is
a little more just selfless loving.
Speaker 1 (18:50):
Give me the guests you would have, then you give
me your What would your estimate be the number of
people who say that seeing your partner do the dishes
without being asked is more romantic than a dozen roses.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
I would say among women or just people.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
There's people in the survey. It was among so who
knows how many, but how many women were in the survey, but.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
I would say eighty five percent.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
It's pretty close.
Speaker 2 (19:13):
Two thirds Okay, yeah, but overwhelmingly the majority of women people.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
I would rather get my partner doing.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
Dishes without being asked.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
Than a dozen roses.
Speaker 2 (19:27):
That's a big because the worst thing is when you
have a partner, when you even even when you ask them, hey,
would you mind, and then they still don't do it.
Let me tell you that's nuclear.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
Last thing here. Look, if you can believe in the
love languages, knock yourself out. But there is actually research
out there, scientific research that says that the five love
language are essentially bs. Really, and they say they're bs
for this reason, and that what they've done, there's no
research anything that suggests any of these things are more
(19:59):
benefit relationships. What they say is it's good marketing by
using a metaphor that we can all understand language, how
do we communicate love? We all seem to understand that,
so love language, how do we communicate through love? And
then you gave them five very simple concepts to go with.
So yes, a lot of people have applied it, a
(20:20):
lot of people do use it. But the idea is
that you have to actually be fluent in all of them.
That's so true that you actually need to be able
to recognize so instead of you looking for somebody are
we compatible this or that? Are you the one who
is able to recognize and see what your needs are
and what the needs are of the people around you.
(20:42):
And it might be this, it might be that, It
might be a little bit of this, might be a
little bit of that. But they say, look at it
as a diet. If you want to use another metaphor,
look at it as a diet road sure, pyramid, right, No, No,
the idea of yes, you can do all vegan. Yes
you could do a little pestitarian, you could do keto,
(21:02):
you could do all these things. But really the healthiest
you're going to be is to be able to consume
a little bit of this stuff in the right moderation.
You have to have a balanced love diet as well.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
That I actually think both things can be true. The
languages are helpful in terms of just kind of identifying
the ways that we can love one another. But I
do like the idea of tapping into all of them
because I actually always have a hard time ranking them
because sometimes, like well, sometimes I'd prefer quality time, and
then sometimes I'd prefer, you know, physical touch, But then
(21:35):
there are times and I really need words of affirmation,
and then God, please please acts of service, and then
gifts are always fun. So yeah, I get that that
all makes perfect sense, but I appreciate the distinction. I
appreciate kind of thinking of the different ways we can
love each other. You know, I love is love, but
mostly it's selfless and it's not self serving, and it's
(21:57):
not seeking attention. And I think that's always I mean,
that's what I have learned over the years. You can
kind of see through some of the attempts as more
of a selfish I want to feel a hit from
your love versus I actually just want to do this
thing for you and I don't need anything in return.
Speaker 1 (22:12):
There is a difference, and even the scientists that took
on or challenged the idea of five love languages did
appreciate that it got us all to think about the
other person's needs and just identifying how that other person
might want or need even to be loved. So I
thought this was very interesting. So I hope this work
(22:32):
for you.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
This was such a good episode. I actually loved that.
I didn't even think about it until I actually spoke
on it. Maybe that could be bad in the future,
but it was fun today. Thank you.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
Oh, this one works all right, folks, whatever you're doing
out there, if you are trying to find a way,
just a simple gesture of love. Maybe just clean maybe
just clean up for that partner and see what happens
that starts somewhere. As always, also appreciate you hanging with us.
I am t J. Holmes alongside my partner. Let me
roll back. I'm head to the kitchen. See y'all sin
(23:06):
yeah m
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