November 2, 2020 • 58 mins
Are you stressed about your life, your health, your kids, the election, Covid, work...are you stressed about EVERYTHING?! Well, you aren't alone. How do men think (and feel) about stress and anxiety? Men are feeling the stress too even bringing our men to tears. Find out why crying is a GOOD THING!
Dr. V is here to help.
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is How Men Think with brooks Like and Gavin
to Grab and I Hear Radio podcast. Welcome to another
episode of How Men Think. My name is brooks Like
and I'm super excited about this episode because we're going
to dive into stress and the handling and dealing of stress,
(00:20):
especially during a pandemic. This Wednesday is National Stress Awareness Day,
and so we're going to dive into this. We have
a great guest and we have a we have two
great guests. We have a wonderful young lady who has
been a big part of the How Men Think podcast
right from the very start. Hanna Nouga Bauer is with us. Hanna,
(00:42):
how are you? I miss your face. It's good to
see you, I know. So Hannah worked with the podcast
break from the very start. Um has been part of
the team. And Hannah is dealing with a lot of
stress in her life currently as we all are, and
then to to help her and assist her move through
this transition. We have a wonderful and talented guest with us.
(01:04):
She's going to be a co host with me today.
She is best known as dr V. She's a renowned
relationship expert media personality, former host of we tv s
Marriage boot Camp. You recently became a best selling author
that debuted at the number one on the l A
Times with the release of her very first book, Bad Advice,
How to Survive and Thrive in an Age of Bullshit.
(01:26):
I love it. Dr Venus Nicolino, Welcome to the show.
Thanks for having me. I appreciate it. I'm going to
keep you in my back pocket for for whenever I
need an intro. So yeah, just you can just look. Yeah,
you can just loop that. Dr v um So, dr V.
I'm super excited to have you on because, uh so
much with the state of the world, with what's going
(01:49):
on with COVID and just how has not turned out
how anybody imagined it would. There's a tremendous amount of
stress present in the world, and with the National Stress
Awareness Day, we want to open this up. In the
goal of this podcast, Hannah is going to be courageous
enough to share what she's going through, but the goal
is for Hanna's story to inspire others to have conversations
(02:13):
within their communities and hopefully receive from Hanna's story and
from your guidance, how we can move through this time
and deal with some stress. So Hannah, I want to
applaud you. You're courageous and brave and a lovely soul. Um.
And so Hannah, I'll let you take the lead and
maybe just let dr V know some of the things,
some of the stressful things that are present in your life. Yeah,
(02:34):
of course, Um, thank you dr V for talking to me.
I mean, I feel like right now everyone is dealing
with stress. Um. I'm a senior in college right now,
and I'm living in Pacific Beach in San Diego, and
I don't leave my house much, and it's hard for
me because I like to always stay busy. I like
to be outside, and I think that this shift of
(02:57):
online school and not having a lot of social interaction
has been really hard for me. Um. I studied abroad
in January in Barcelona for about three months through my school,
and that was something that was really scary for me,
and I kind of just went for it, and I
got out of my comfort zone and I was living
(03:18):
really far away from my family. I was on my own.
I was with a couple of friends, but it was
a super foreign experience and I felt like I made
so much personal growth being on my own and being
somewhere where they don't really speak English, and I was
pushing myself and then got set home because of the coronavirus.
And now I feel like I'm kind of back at
square one, where I'm I have taken a lot of
(03:42):
steps backwards in my personal growth, and I'm feeling just
very frustrated in that sense, and also just feeling stressed
out in what's next for me and how I keep growing. Okay,
So I just want to address you had said that
you felt as though there's a personal grows setback, and
I'll tell you that that is a narrative and a
(04:06):
story and a lie that you're telling yourself, because by
being a part of what's happening today, by being aware
of what you're feeling, you have grown exponentially already. So
I know that it feels like that, but feelings aren't facts.
(04:27):
So I want to just say that straight, that personal
growth is happening as we speak right now. And I
also want to tell you that you are not alone.
Over sixty two of Americans. That's can you imagine, I'm
like that sixty of Americans are suffering with some kind
(04:52):
of mental health struggle. People who would otherwise not be
are now struggling. So just to give a snapshot of
you had brought up the virus, So let's have a
snapshot of that. In March it was about which is
still a very very large number. Now we're almost at
(05:12):
six five. So just imagine that something happens. We have
this enormous sphere right in March, we're all we're we
don't know what to do with ourselves. We're devastated, we
can't believe what's happening. You would think that that would
be the height of our mental illnesses, our mental fears,
(05:35):
our anxieties, are stresses. You would think it would be
then totally it isn't. It's actually has grown. So it's
not necessarily the virus that has helped us feel um
all sorts of negative feelings. But it's what goes around
(05:59):
that virus. Right, It's what you had said, a sense
of loneliness, a sense of isolation. We have job loss,
we have drug use, we have domestic violence. We could
go on and on and on about everything that has
been in this pressure cooker that is just getting exponentially
(06:20):
higher in statistics. And I'm glad you're here and not
a bunch of bros. Although that would be um, well, Hannah,
that women experience more psychological trauma. They're reporting more psychological trauma,
(06:43):
which begs the question are women bearing more of the
emotional labor of what's happening or are men under reporting
how they feel or both. It's a it's an interesting question,
you know something to your October podcast and you're talking,
(07:04):
you're answering all these different questions Brooks about you know,
you know what men think and how men feel, and
of course what you think. You know, I feel this
sucks for me, but you are answering these these these
really really great questions and answering them with a lot
(07:25):
of heart and a lot of humor. And it had
occurred to me that's so much of what goes on
with men goes unspoken. So I want to just really
put that out there as definitely that the statistic is
weighing heavily on women. Going back to you, you're not alone. Um,
(07:47):
I think some of the issues here is what can
you do about it? M hm? So let's start there.
Let's start there, what what can where are some starting
points for Hanna or for anybody else who's going through this.
Aim sort of similarities where Hanna, where their life was
on a great trajectory and then COVID happened and things
have been shut down, and now they're finding themselves in
(08:07):
a foreign place where they're really isolated, really alone, may
be sad. Maybe some people are depressed, uncertain, unsure. All
of these things just a tidal wave coming at once.
What are some things, uh, starting points for people to
start to deal with this amount of stress? Well, Hanna,
I want to ask you, what have you already tried? What?
(08:30):
What did it work? Yeah? I mean I feel like
I hold a lot in and that's something that I've
just done my whole life, and I've been really trying
to just let it all out reately. Am I on you?
In a way? I think that I put up a
really tough front, and I always like to be there
(08:51):
for other people. But then I don't allow myself to
feel what I'm feeling, or I don't even acknowledge that
I'm having a hard day. Sometimes then it just builds
and builds, and that's when it gets hard. So you
are the receptacle, the container of everybody else's feelings. Yeah,
and I and I totally like being that for my friends.
(09:12):
And the people around me. I genuinely like to be
there for them, and I want to know what's going
on in their life and I want to be that
support system. But at times I feel like I'm missing that. Mhm.
Is there anyone that we want our relationships to be
equitable and for life, not just now, but now more
(09:37):
than ever. Our relationships need to be equitable. Do you
know what I mean when I say that? Yeah? Okay,
so so many of what I'm hearing, so many of
your relationships aren't equitable. I'm gonna be na because I
got a problem. And how doesn't listen all my because
that's what Hannah does. She's my emotional container. Okay. And
(10:00):
at the end of the day, who are you able
to go to? Right? We need to make sure that
we have people in our lives where it is equitable,
where you are able to put your fears and your
stresses outside of you. And let me tell you the
power of that. Once ple we voice a fear out loud,
(10:25):
That fear has difficulty growing because it no longer has
a host. It's a parasite inside of you, right, So
you'll lay it out, you'll blurt out. It's so powerful
all of a sudden, it loses a little bit of power.
When you tell that fear and that anxiety to someone
(10:45):
who's actively listening, really wanting to take it from you
and hold it, it loses even more power. So now
your anxiety, now your stresses are even a little less.
So social distancing doesn't mean emotional distancing. I cannot stress
(11:07):
that enough. This is your personal growth. Where can you
how can you push yourself to rely on other people
to be listened to? This is your growth and by
the way, that is a lesson when you figure out
how to do it. Please tell me because I've been
(11:30):
almost fifty years so so you are you calling you
when when you figure out to Um, Hana, I have
a question for you. Do you believe do you believe
in your That's great advice, Dr be Us. I want
(11:51):
to acknowledge you for that that social distancing isn't emotional distancing.
That is wonderful, um and I want our listeners to
hear that in to receive that. Uh. And then my
question for you, Hannah is do you believe that you
have friends that you can or that can listen to
you and hear you and hear your fears and support
(12:13):
you and love you and be that container for you,
and that you just haven't opened that up to share
with them, or do you feel like you just don't
have those people in your life You're willing to open up,
but you have, you just don't have the people to
do it right. I definitely have a strong support system
with my family and a lot of friends. I think
(12:33):
where I struggle is I don't want to be the
burden for other people. And that's something that I mean,
I feel like I've just done my whole life like
i just want to put up a front where everything's okay,
I'm okay, don't worry about me, like I'm here for you.
And I've had to learn to get over that hump
of accepting that it's okay for me to have feelings
(12:56):
to everyone has feelings, like I'm able to feel things
to share that with others, Hana, for a second, I
want to reframe that for you and maybe our listeners.
I'm sorry to interrupt you for listeners to to think
about this as well. Um by you not having that
(13:17):
relationship be equitable, by feeling like you're a burden, I
want to reframe that for you. It's a selfish way
to be actually quite selfish because you now control that relationship.
You now are the power dynamic of that relationship by
(13:39):
holding back and by everybody giving to you. It's a
powerful place to be. So it's gonna take a lot
of your vulnerability to step forward. So so many times
when we feel like we are the person, we are,
the backbone of everybody we are, that is true. I'm
(14:01):
just giving you another version that that is not that
that is very selfish, because other people deserve your vulnerabilities too,
So I just kind of wanted to reframe it and
hopefully like like what I'm really doing is using what
you think is helpful against you. So I don't know,
(14:25):
and I sure you're trying to be selfless, and I'm
trying to tell you that's a selfish way to be. Yeah,
And I think that's I think that's a really good point.
And it does like, if I'm being honest, I'm such
a control freak and that kind of goes with what
you just kind of like, I know I completely am
and just looking back where I am. I'm a senior
(14:47):
in college, and up until this point, I've kind of
known what is coming next after middle school you go
to high school. After high school, it's called and coronavirus
or not. This stage in life, I feel like it's
kind of unsettling for some people because I don't know
what's next, and not having that control or not knowing
(15:07):
what's coming next scares me so much, and I just
try and get all the control and other areas that
I possibly can, If that makes sense. Well, yeah, I
mean it's so when we know what's coming next, and
particularly someone like you, you remind me of it. Would
it be wrong to say that you're a planner? I
(15:28):
am a complete planner. She's and it makes her excellent
at many parts of her job, and like like she's
so good at that. Yes, these things that make us
uh successful and wonderful, and certain areas can be our
achilles heel in others. M I'm sure Brooks, as an athlete,
(15:56):
you probably have had this as well, right, Like, like,
what makes you strong in one area was your achilles
heel in another time it was a shadow. It was
a shadow of the light. So what made you great
on the ice may have made you I don't know.
I'm just I'm just unemotional in a personal relationship exactly.
(16:17):
So it's what makes us accomplished in one area can
be our our Achilles heel in another. So this idea
that you're a planner and that I got the sense
that you are control for you, I'm so glad that
you sort of brought that to like to say it
for you. Um, it's good to know about yourself. And
(16:38):
so what does this mean? This means that number one,
you're going to have to continue that growth of being
a good planner, right So you don't want to stop that,
you want to continue that. How do you do that?
I'm sure you have a million in one ways. You're
the planner. You look, you write down your a Like
(17:00):
how do you cope with making sure you have a
plan for your days? Because I bet you this could
help our listeners and like in terms of how you
plan right well, I mean I'm sitting at my desk
right now and I'm looking at my wall and I
have sticky notes everywhere, like in rows of like Monday,
Tuesday months. Yeah, I mean, I'm such a visual person
(17:21):
who I like to see things and envision things, and
that's how I just plan and get organized. But the
second that anything comes into my life where I can't
plan on it happening, or I can't control how it's
going to pan out, then I freak out. That's when
I just like lose control and I don't know how
(17:41):
to deal with that. No, again, going back to this
being an incredible telling for your personal growth, Living in
the moment is something that you're going to have to
figure out how to do your entire life to experience joy.
How that's how we experience joy is that we live
(18:04):
in moments to moments, Like when we laugh, it's an
involuntary response. We're living in that moment. We were able
to bottle just a little bit of joy. And when
you're unable to live in the present, you're unable to
experience joy. And guess what that does. That that magnifies
(18:25):
on itself, begins to tap into all like trauma bonds.
It begins to tap into the miserable gland in your brain.
Because when we biologically, when we smile, we send muscle memory.
You're you're an athlete, Brooks. You know all about muscle memory,
the memory to our brain that makes us happy. And
(18:48):
when we're laughing, and then the quality of our life
gets better. The more we laugh, the more we experience joy.
The less we do that, the worst we feel. So
how do you think again, I want to ask you,
how do you think you could better live in the present?
(19:10):
I think just starting to let go of the control
that I have on the little things that don't really matter.
I don't want to let go of the control of
the big things that are important, Like if I have
something coming up, then I want to do everything that
I can to control the outcome is really amazing, But
(19:31):
the little things that I really don't need to control,
Like I'm such a perfectionist and I won't want everything
to be perfect. In acknowledging the fact that it's okay
for things to not be absolutely perfect and letting go
of that control, I think is a start. It scares me,
but it's at And that's that's the shadow side of
(19:53):
like your drive, like because no one you and having
worked with you, you are you are fantastic at what
you drop. Our pull We're looking after five guys our
podcast when we started had five guys and we all
felt absolutely looked after because Hannah Hada like we could
show up and it was just like we were taken
care of, Like you are amazing at your drop And
then this is the shadow part of it, where it's
(20:15):
where it's um what you were talking about, Dr B
about how the blessing can also show up in your
life as a curse, where this doesn't set you free
and causes you anxiety and drama and like nervousness and
stress over things that are actually maybe out of your control.
It's just it's being aware of that and then having
the subtle dance to acknowledge that, Okay, I can't control
(20:38):
this so much. This I really can, and I'm gonna
champion it, but this is maybe an element that I
need to leave a little grace in it for I'm
going to ask you now how you feel in this moment,
and by the way, how you felt before just changed
(21:00):
and it changed again, and it changed again. I mean,
I think that even just letting this out and talking
to Booth the view makes me feel a lot better.
It's the reassurance side of making me feel like I'm
not alone and that it is normal, because I get
(21:21):
so in my head and wrapped up about oh my gosh,
I feel so stressed and anxious and overwhelmed, and how
come no one else feels like this? But they do,
And it's normal, and I don't let myself acknowledge that
it's normal. I pretend like everything's fine all the time.
While I'm happy you said that, I actually was attempting
(21:42):
to have you live in the moment, which would be
too understand what you feel in that moment. I feel sad,
I feel angry, I feel I feel annoyed, I feel sad,
(22:04):
any one of those, I feel happy, any one of
those things that if you're able the pinpoint to stop
your day and really ask yourself, what am I feeling
right now? That the tool that grounds you in the
moment that takes two seconds of your time, So I
(22:26):
ask you again without planner kind of explanation and go
on and on and on, because it's what it's what
to do. So I want to stop you from doing it,
like I wanted either to really help you. So I
don't need to be uh hard ass, but I I
want to help you in this moment. So I love it,
(22:49):
like even towards me or or or any what is
it that you're feeling right now in the moment without thought?
I feel overwhelmed? Yeah, yeah, very overwhelmed because I think,
for the first time in a really long time, I'm
acknowledging what I've been feeling, and it's really overwhelming. Is
(23:12):
it over Can we dive? Can we unpack that a little? Honea?
Is it overwhelming with I have so many projects and
things that I have to work on right now I'll
do at the same time, like, these are things in
front of me that are overwhelming me right now? Or
is it I'm overwhelmed because I'm not sure what's coming
and the weight of that uncertainty is really making me
(23:34):
feel overwhelmed. Yeah, I think it's a mixture of things.
I'm overwhelmed with school. I also have been living I
feel like with a lot of guilt and feeling like
I should be spending more time with my grandparents or
my family. And that's something that I struggle with a lot.
I think to myself, why am I down here when
(23:56):
my parents are north northern California and so are my grandparents,
When I could be up there and I could be
using this time to have quality time with them. It
just puts a lot of things into perspective for me.
Right now, when you had you, because I can see
you are our listeners, I don't know if they will
(24:16):
be able to see you. You almost looked like you
were going to cry. I have been on the verge
of tears for like a week straight. Yeah, this week
has been hard for me, and it's perfect timing that
I'm able to talk to you. But yeah, I'm very
emotional right now, and I don't like to cry. I
don't like to let things out, but I try and
(24:38):
hold it in as you can see. But yeah, I'm
very emotional right now, and I'm just overwhelmed and I
don't really know how to deal with it. Would happened,
What do you think would happen if you cried and
let it all out? I'd probably feel really good. But
I don't allow myself to do that much. And I'm
completely aware of it. I'm very self aware and I
know exactly what I'm doing. I'm telling myself not to cry,
(25:01):
but it would probably feel really good, and I'm in
need of a good cry. You're a little bit of
a massa chist to yourself. You don know what you
need and eletely well good? Why wait from it? Our self?
Sabotage myself all the time. Yeah, I know exactly what
I need, but I don't. I cry all the time,
(25:24):
and it's wonderful. Yeah, it's a great It's something I've
like recently learned since the passing of our two dogs.
I've learned like how to honor emotions in the moment
and let them come up and through me and out
of me. And a lot of times that's through crying,
and it's and you know, Mihanna, I've played pro hockey
(25:46):
for fifteen years, ran through dudes into dudes. I'm a dude.
I love like being able to release emotion truthfully, organically
in the moment, not suppress it. Not I I could
stuff it if I want to. It's so not healthy.
It is so liberating to allow and give yourself the
(26:07):
grace and the capacity to just allow that emotion to
live and come out and then it's like, oh god,
that felt great and probably very freeing. It's so liberating.
Dr V. Do you like encourage people to to cry
or to let outstress or like you're you're you're hoping
to encourage Hannah here to do it, but like, I've
(26:30):
just learned that, and it is so liberating to honor
those emotions and let them come to life and then
they don't persist with me. Well, you don't have a
choice because biology wins always, so you're going to end
up crying at some point. Oh that's wonderful yourself the space,
(26:54):
as as Books was saying, to kind of make it sacred, right,
why at some point all of us, whether we're going
to get frustrated, like biology will win, we are meant
to cry to release the chemicals and the toxins that
are in the brain. That's why we do it. And
there's different kinds of prize as well. They're silent crying,
(27:14):
they're screaming crying. There's trauma crying, there's anger crying. We
have happy crying, happy crying, joy crying, we have all
kinds of crying because the brain is meant to do
its thing. So you're gonna cry no matter what at
some point, whether you like it or not. Yeah, matter
(27:35):
of do you want to? And I'm going to use
this again in your and as your benefit to con
hold that because you can, you can have space, a
sacred space where you're able to allow yourself to feel
your feelings and allow them to come to the surface
(27:56):
and understand that you are doing something good for yourself
and even our planner. I want to encourage um, I'm
gonna say this, and I hope that both of you
don't I roll yourselves into another universe because I hear
me say it and I want to I roll myself
(28:16):
and the universe. Um, there are these amazing many meditations
five minutes of your time, manner, minutes of our day
where you can go on to Spotify or any other
place and you can play a five minute, many many
(28:37):
meditation for anything you want, whether it's to release motion,
whether it's for fear, for anger. Let's say you're overwhelmed
your anger, whatever may be five minutes to take for yourself.
And here's the rub is that sometimes we think like
self care is about the actual thing we do. It's
(28:58):
really about the act of just doing it. So it's
a little like gratitude. People think it's what they're great for. No,
it's remembering to be grateful that gives you that feeling
of a cocaine hit in your brain. So it's the
act of doing it. So I wanted to just give
you a real tool to hold onto because I know
(29:22):
we're talking theoretically and a lot of times therapy is
about kind of theory and then reply to yourself. Um.
But many meditations either before you start your day or
before you go to bed, to really understand and help
you live in the moment. It will help you in
that moment. Yeah. No, that's amazing and thank you so much.
(29:45):
I appreciate it. And I do want to start allowing
myself to help me like I I can provide myself tools.
I'm just not allowing myself the help. And there's about
this whole scenario. Um, there's something about the pandemic and
how it's making you feel, how it's helping you feel,
(30:07):
that's tapping in to a different trauma from the past.
You brought up a lot of guilt, you brought up
feeling out of control, you brought up feeling you should
be with your there's something that it's tapping into a
younger part of yourself. Um, and that's you know, that's
something for you to sort of think about. I don't
(30:29):
know if that hits you in an eye roll moment
or if that's sort of like, oh, let me let
me think about that. Is it tapping into a younger
pain And that's wheels so out of control? Yeah, because
I'm finally acknowledging all of my feelings from all of
like yeah, and growing up because I mean, my parents
(30:53):
will say all the time, like, you have no emotion,
you show no emotion, like you never cry, And when
I show the slightest bit of emotion then they're like,
who is this person? And I think that you're totally
write the pandemic and everything that's going on right now,
I view it as negative. But after this conversation, I
(31:13):
want to start shifting my perspective in looking at it
in a positive light, like You're so right. It has
forced me to be more in touch with my emotion
and for once, I'm acknowledging that I feel overwhelmed and
that I am stressed out and that I'm a complete
control freaking I need to just let go sometimes. So
(31:34):
there are benefits. Yeah, yeah, I have two thoughts. Um DRV.
You said the five minute meditation thing, um, to allow
yourself to feel what you're feeling. The one thing that
really right now in my life works exceptionally well, UM
is before breakfast, lunch, and supper, I will say a
little prayer and I just say a prayer of what's
(31:57):
on my heart. I'm grateful for my dog. I'm grateful
for this beautiful house and this beautiful bay. On this lake.
I'm grateful for the air in my lungs, and just
I just say what comes out of mynd and a
lot of times I end up crying because it's in
the practice of gratitude. I also say I'm grateful for
the blessings and the challenges in my life. I'm grateful
that life isn't just easy and and and a lot
(32:19):
of times I or like if I have friends here
at the house, I'm like, I'm grateful for this time
of connection that we create, the space to get together,
to serve and give to each other's life. And I
find myself like tearing up, and it's like wow, like
that actual gratitude is actually I'm not just having gratitude.
I'm experiencing gratitude. And so prayer has been a really
(32:41):
big one for me to be able to acknowledge what
I'm feeling. It's it's just practicing gratitude out loud. Um.
And then the other thing that I when you that
I thought of earlier on Haunted, when you said you
had great friends, You have people in your life, great
family who would would be great resources to love you
and support you, uh and hold you a creadle you
(33:03):
in whatever way mentally, physically, emotionally that you need it. Um,
I want to tell you a little story that about
my mom. Um. When I started playing pro hockey, and
as a pro hockey player, I wanted to do something
very nice for my mom. I bought my dad a
boat as a gift, just of like, I love you, Dad,
I'm not here without you. I bought my dada boat
(33:23):
And I want to do something very nice for my mom.
And she's like, I don't want anything. I'm not letting
you buy me anything. And I'm like, Mom, you're robbing
your son the joy of giving a gift to his
mother because you don't want anything. And so you not
opening up to your friends or your family, are robbing
(33:44):
them the joy of being there for you in a
tough time in your life. How how excited are you
when somebody's in a really tough time in their life
and you get to be the person to hear them,
to cut to created them, to love them, to talk
them through it. Like the joy that you get in
that moment. You are not allowing others to experience that
(34:06):
joy by not talking about yourself. But Hannah, you also
said something very interesting that because you have conditioned others
to receive you in a very specific way as unemotional,
that when you do become emotional, you don't get the
response that you need. That's important to think about it,
(34:31):
and I'm wondering, what do you what do you mean there?
Dr B? Can you can you impact that you don't
get the response that you should needs. As Anna had
said it herself, Hannah had said that you explain to
Hannah that people are so you being one way that
when you are, you don't know what to do. Yeah,
and they're just so used to me in that way,
(34:54):
and so that when I am emotional, they're not going
to know how to really. I mean, it's going to
be four to them and they're not going to really.
So this is something you've experienced. I got the sense
that this was something that you had experienced when you
were emotional, that because you're not you that are and
(35:14):
people are like, I don't know what to do with this?
Is that what you're That's what I thought you were saying. No, completely.
I think that because for so long I've kind of
allowed myself to not be emotional, and I've wanted to
just be the rock for everyone around me when I
start to show the slightest bit of emotion. Everyone so
(35:35):
confused and they don't kind of know what to do
because they're like, wait, Hanna is showing emotion and she's
like has feelings, So you're so right with And I
don't think I really ever thought about that. It was
just kind of it's just normal for me, So dr
for Hannah in that situation, or for any of our
listeners that feel like that's them in their life. When
(35:56):
they start to get emotional, people like, what is this
You're not using? What what could Hanna or our listeners
do in that moment? Do they just bring voice like yeah,
I am emotional, Like I need you? Can you I'm struggling?
Can you listen? Can you? Like? How how can they
get the response that they desire? If the response because
we're not perfect beings. People are you know, people might
(36:17):
not know how bad haunt and wants to really open up,
but she's looking for somebody to pull that out of them.
If they aren't pulling that out of her, how can
she help them become aware to do that to be like,
I really need to hear well, sometimes we have to
deep pattern people in our lives, especially our parents and
(36:37):
the people and our family, like you were saying, you
have this good support to stem of friends and families.
So I'm imagining that those relationships are long right there. There,
they've been since the time you've been born. Yes, so
they're long relationships. Uh well, I mean you're like twenty
(37:00):
so they're not that long, but there as long as
you have been alive. And so because you experience, you
opened up maybe once, maybe twice, and you got you
didn't get what you needed. Now now I know why
(37:20):
you're not doing that. I now know why. And I
find that in just this, you know, half hour of
talking to you, a gift that I know something about
you now that I didn't know before this. This has
been a pattern and that you have been traumatized. You
(37:42):
haven't gotten what you needed. So that means you're going
to have to be pattern the people in your life,
and you're going to have to tee them up. You're
gonna have to say, if you can, I need you
right now, I need you in this moment, and I
don't want your opinion. I want your support. So that's
(38:03):
something that I've been telling a lot of people lately too,
because everyone's full of their opinion. Look up, I don't
nobody wants your opinion. They just want your support. So
it's important that you tell them what you need. If
you want their opinion, and I love your opinion, but
if you don't want their opinion, you just need support.
I need you and I just need your support. I
(38:25):
want your opinions, I just want your support. So you're
gonna have the deep pattern those people and what does
that mean? That means you have to tea them up
for what they're going to expect from you, because normally
they would expect you to be a very certain way.
Now you could take that even further. You could even
have more courage and have a conversation about the times
(38:49):
you came to them and you were emotional, Yeah you
received them, and that you're looking for something different, that
you want your relationships to be equitable, right totally. Yeah, No,
that makes sense. And I need to just start asking
for help when I need it because I know that
(39:11):
my friends and my family is so amazing, especially my parents,
and I know that they will listen to me. I
just don't allow them to listen to me. How do
we get the courage to do that? Though? Dr V?
Because that's what you're saying. I agree with completely, But
(39:35):
how do we muscle up the courage to be that
vulnerable to ask that, to to say to somebody like,
I don't need your opinion, I need your support. I'm
really struggling because we all want to we're right, We're
right there were It's like a cliff like we're about
to go over it, but we stop ourselves. How do
we just push over that line and really force ourselves
(39:56):
to come out and say that, no, that the other
side is looking for that. Yes, about the other side.
Know that the other side is waiting to receive you,
that the other side wants that, particularly the way you've
(40:19):
described your family and your friends, and by the way,
I wouldn't say that about everybody, but we're having this
conversation with you, Hannah, and I know that the other
side is waiting for you. Yes, the relationship equitable, right,
but you're so strong, right, you say it the way
(40:40):
it is. You're the planner, and they allow you to
be the emotional vehicle of the relationship. They allow you
to be the engine. So you're asking to sit in
the passenger side. You're asking a ride shotgun. You want
want somebody else to drive for a second in and
there's nothing wrong with that because that other person wants
(41:03):
to drive. Mm hmm. Yeah. I needed to hear that.
I learned that lesson about a year ago. Dr b
Um my whole life I was. I was like Hannah,
I was great at being strong for myself. I could.
I was tough. I could, I could will myself through things.
I could suppress emotion I could. And what what what
(41:26):
ended up happening is that put me on an island
all by myself, and I realized I really wasn't that strong.
And what the growth that I needed to make was
I needed to become strong enough to ask for help
and to accept help and to let other first. Actually,
even before before that, it was let others know that
I'm struggling, that I need help. And when I crossed
(41:49):
that bridge, that was one of the proudest moments in
my life. I'm like, I'm so proud of myself that
I've learned that I don't have to be strong. I
can be, but I don't have to be you, but
that I'm strong enough to let my closest people in
my life know that I need help, that I need
support and then the tidal wave of support from these people.
(42:09):
They're like, oh my god, I love like like the
clear schedules they come over right now, like they're just
they show up the present. They're gonna text you tomorrow,
will call you to more, They're gonna follow up how
you doing, just checking in how's your heart? Like they
are gonna show up in your life in as a
tidal wave that is just and then that reaffirms like
oh my god, I should open up again about something.
(42:31):
But it takes the courage on the first time to
do it. But upon I'm really like, I'm so excited
for you because I feel like you're going to take
that step and your mom is gonna be so proud
and happy to talk to you. Your dad and they're
could be like I think got a little girl his
our little girl like grown woman but sharing your heart.
(42:52):
So proud of you, you know, as a as a
friend of yours, Like I would love it if you
called me and you said books, I need I need
an ear. You know, I'm like, Okay, let me clear
everything and just be here for you. It's such a
gift to allow people to step into that place, be
in that place. What an honoring of that person that
you trust them with your heart and your emotions. What
(43:14):
a beautiful way to honor them. But I also say
that I don't want you to self sabotage because a
lot of times the planner be a person who's emotionally withholding,
and that's what you're doing. You're emotionally withholding. Will purposefully
choose the wrong person to open up really yourself, you
(43:39):
will purposely because you want to. You wanna, You're gonna
have that self fulfilling prophecy, You're gonna you're right, so
be I want you to not get caught in that draft, right,
not subconsciously control. Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm wanna,
I'm wanna. I want to be in control. I'm gonna
make sure that don't have to share. I'm gonna make
sure you have to remain the same all the time
(44:01):
now like I am fixed in stone, I'm not going
to change, and I'm gonna make sure I choose the
wrong person to open up to. So it's about really
making sure that you choose the right person to open
up to. And I said, it makes total sense, And
(44:22):
I have a very very strong support system and I'm
very lucky, and I feel so grateful for the people
in my life, and I need to start I mean
using them in talking to them, because they're in my
life for a reason. Brooks, you to speak to um
humanity as a whole, that we have been sold a
(44:44):
lot um. So anthropologically and biologically humans are meant to cooperate.
That is how we have survived. We are meant to
join in joy and pain and happiness. Which is why
so mental things is happening now. Is we're unable to
(45:10):
brush up against each other in a store, We're unable
to see faces, were unable to experience, uh, the social
animals that we are UM. And it really speaks to
humans as a whole that we are meant for cooperation,
that we are not warlike creatures being sold. All of
(45:32):
that research has been debunked with chimpanzees and monkeys forever,
and yet we continue to perpetuate this lie um. Humans
are meant to cooperate, We're meant to commune. People want
to commune with you, and that's why I know on
the other side someone's waiting for you. I know that
(45:53):
for effect, because biology and science wins every time, and
we call apart in our Western world, our hearts and
our heads, and then science and statistics over here they're
the same. They're there, they're the same that if you
follow the through line, they just go hand in hand
and they make sense. So your biology and your science
(46:15):
is going to win. Because humans were meant to cooperate
and commune in difficult times, and because we're not able
to do that, we're living unnaturally and it's tapping into
people's inability to sleep, their inability to eat, or overreading
or drug use or whatever it may be. Whatever we're
(46:36):
humans are pushed to be unnatural. Um, there are consequences
to that. So going back to what you were saying Brooks,
there is a larger picture of of why, Um, you're
experiencing the other side in such a nice way. Yeah,
and also to to put to take some of the
(46:58):
stress off you, Hannah, and and any of our listeners too.
Is is what you alluded to earlier, Dr v Um.
A lot of the conditioning and the muscles that I've
built to be able to perform in my career as
a professional athlete, I strengthened those so much to perform
in that arena that it was impossible for that also
(47:21):
not to bleed into my personal life. So it's not
like I didn't want to be emotional. It was just
I had practiced sensory deprivation. I've talked about this on
this podcast so many times. I I practiced and trained
sensory deprivation so I could go harder, longer, feel no pain,
not here, noise, dosia, distraction in a twenty person building,
(47:43):
I was a robot, and that allowed me to perform
in that arena of sport. But it's subtract or detracted
from my emotional capacity as a human being. And so
it didn't mean I was a flawed person. That didn't
mean I was a bad person had all these I
wasn't capable of all these things. And just like you, Hannah,
(48:05):
like you have amazing skills that you have cultivated to
achieve at a high level in your professional life, and
it's impossible for that part of you not to also
just subtly bleed into the personal side of your life.
And so it's not a flaw within you that you
haven't been able to open up. But dr V and Hannah,
(48:27):
you have brought attention to the fact now that it's
okay to that you. We are all struggling and we
want to open up. So now it's on Now, it's
on us. Now it's time to take the ownership of
that and to be the take our step forward. And Hannah,
you've heard me say it on this podcast many times.
Part of the reason why I wanted to do this
podcast is because I'm not good at opening up. I'm
(48:50):
not good at talking. Guys talk about things, their trucks,
the game, whatever, they talk about things fishing, but they
don't talk about our hearts and what we're feeling. And
I was the king of that, and that's why I
wanted to do this podcast. And Gavin, you know, Gavin
was also the king of that, and that's why we
wanted to do this podcast. And we've said it many times.
We want to step forward. What's our purpose of this podcast.
(49:10):
We want to step forward as men, masculine men, step
forward and set down our armor, and in doing so,
every other man around us sets down here and be like,
thank God, because I'm also dealing with this. I'm also
dealing with this, but this is doing this podcast is
a way for me to practice this. This is why
I do it. So Hannah, I and I feel like
(49:31):
you're a much more evolved person than I am, even hanted,
So you have the capability within you and the power
within you to reach out to people, and it's gonna
be so liberating and exciting and you're gonna enjoy it.
It's actually not scary. You're gonna enjoy it. It's gonna
feel so good for you to share those things. So
however I can help, I just want to support you
(49:52):
and saying you love and hope that you, um you
do reach out to those people because they are waiting,
as dr B that they're waiting for you with open arms.
On the other side, well, thank you, I mean, I
appreciate it. And talking with you two today has just
even made me feel a little little bit lighter in itself,
and it's given me motivation to just keep talking about things,
(50:16):
and it's made the process I feel a little bit
less scary because you guys have been so receptive, and
I know that if I'm getting this reaction from you guys,
people in my life will be there, like you said,
with open arms, and they're ready to help. I even
see even see like me, Hanna, like my face is
(50:38):
glued at the screen. Um, whereas before I was sitting
back here is because like it's just natural as a human,
Like we all have hearts and we care about people.
And I know you and I care about you, and
I know you at a tenth of the degree that
everybody else in your life knows you. Um, but it's
pulling me into like be closer, and our listeners can't
see if my face is dammed up against and like
(51:00):
because I just I already feel drawn to you, already
feel drawn to support and to love you, and that
that this person is this opening up and like I'm here,
and so that same reaction is going to be present
through your friends or your family. Are the people who
are closest in your life and closest to your heart,
they are just going to lead into it with all
(51:22):
of theirs. So I hope you do it real soon.
And I want to say one of the things to
you as a planner, reassure the worrior in you that
there is time to do everything you want to do
with your life, but you are not losing time. Reassure
(51:44):
the worrior in you. And I think doing that for
you will be very helpful on a regular basis because
you're planning because you're stressed and you're worried. That's that's
the copy of that. That's because you've had to cope
with other feelings, and that's why you're a planner. And
(52:05):
I just want you to reassure the warrior insiderself that
there is time to do the things you want to
do with your life. Yeah. I really appreciate that. I
mean seriously from the bottom of my heart, because I
am such a warrior and I overthink and I think
too much. My dad always tells me, you think too much.
But I just need to start having conversations with myself.
(52:27):
And I think the first step is just acknowledging it
within me that it's everything is just going to be okay.
You just got to let it out. And things happen
for a reason. I always try to remind myself that
things happen for a reason. Also, Hannah, we have the
most successful podcast in the world. Everybody in the world
(52:49):
listens to it. So everybody in the world is going
to know your problems now. So even if you you've
already you've already opened up, even if you don't know it,
because your mom's gonna listen to your dad's gonn listen
to it, and people are gonna be calling you alright, girl,
like open up. So you you've you've announced it to
the world already, Um, why not? Now everyone knows. Everyone knows.
(53:13):
I'm gonna be getting calls in text starting next week.
Thanks guys, Thanks a lot, Um, We love you, Thank
you so much. I just want to acknowledge you for
your courage, because the bravery and the courage to step
forth and share that, to share that publicly on this
platform is so courageous. And undoubtedly there are many many
(53:35):
women and men listening to this that are seeing themselves
in your story exactly and will then go and open up.
That's our hope with this episode is they will also
open up to their community, to there, as Dr VI says,
equitable friends and show them love and honor them and
honor themselves by opening up and say hey, I'm part
(53:56):
of I'm part of us. I need you, I need
your heart. I don't need your opinion everything that DRV said,
But you've undoubtedly inspired people, Hannah, Um, You've inspired me,
and I just want to acknowledge you for your courage
and your heart. You've always been a joy to our
podcast and joy to be around. Thank you. It means
a lot. I mean, this was the most that I've
(54:18):
let out in months, and I really mean that, Like
I have not talked for this long about my emotions
in years, and it feels good. It does feel good,
and it's encouraged me to just keep keep opening up
and letting go of the warrior inside of me and
(54:38):
letting go of the control. And I really will take
everything to heart. I mean, I'm already looking at my planner.
I'm like, I want to write down everything that Dr
V has said and rita at the beginning of my days,
because I mean, you said it best. You just gotta
trust yourself and everything's gonna work out. M Dr V.
(55:01):
I want to thank you as well for pouring your
heart into this conversation, pouring your heart into Hannah, and
our listeners are undoubtedly going to thank you. Um where
can where can our listeners find more of you? Where?
On social media? On TV? Where can they find you?
It's a great question. It's always a brain teaser for me.
So because you're everywhere, I write all down. So it's
(55:23):
my Instagram is a doctor d O C T O R,
A spell doctor, Underscore V Underscore Um, you can find
me on Twitter at d r underscore v underscore tweet. Um,
and you can find me. Uh, you know you can.
My first name as Venus. You can look up in
the sky and see me every now and again. So right,
(55:45):
can you tell where can we Where can we get
the new book? Anywhere? Books are sold? Anywhere? Books are sold?
So bad advice how to survive and thrive in an
age of bulls? I love it. What can you tell
us about the book? Just tell you, give us a
little snip it. Well. Um. The New York Post dubbed
it as one of the top five books that will
change your life. So I think that that's when I
(56:08):
got that actoe. I was like, wow, that's good for you.
It doesn't deserve that. I don't think the New York
Post gets those things wrong. Wonderful very um. You know
it's it's unique in a way as though. It feels
as if you're having a conversation with your good friend
over a glass of wine. And that's what I wanted
(56:30):
it to have. I wanted you to have really um
my voice and and really be reaching through the page.
And and my goal with with really any creative endeavor
is Hopefully it helps you change the way you see
the world. It helps just shift your world view, even
(56:53):
if it's a millimeter, it means that I have done
my job. So wonderful. Grab the book. I think you'll
of it. You'll laugh a lot. It's super fun. You'll
learn a lot about yourself and about the world. And
and and Jojoy and thank you so much for having
me Brooks and Hannah. Thank you again for uh really
trusting both of us with um, yourself and your heart.
(57:18):
And if you think that with us, god damn you
can do that with other people. Yeah. Yeah, wonderful, wonderful Hanna,
thank you so much. Dr V, thank you so much.
Once again. The book is called Bad Advice, How to
Survive and Thrive in an Age of bull s. Um,
thank you so much, guys. Dr V would love to
have you back on here. We got to get the
other guys on here because Hannah is very welcomposed. We
(57:41):
got train wrecks of other guys here that that that
needs your help. So UM, thank you so much, Dr BE. Hannah,
we love you, I miss you. Can't wait to see
your face again soon. And to everyone else listening, thank
you for tuning in. This has been wonderful chat, wonderful discussion.
Until next week. Take care of one another, love one another,
and we'll see you back here for another episode of
How Men Think
This is How Men Think with brooks Like and Gavin
to Grab and I Hear Radio podcast. Welcome to another
episode of How Men Think. My name is brooks Like
and I'm super excited about this episode because we're going
to dive into stress and the handling and dealing of stress,
(00:20):
especially during a pandemic. This Wednesday is National Stress Awareness Day,
and so we're going to dive into this. We have
a great guest and we have a we have two
great guests. We have a wonderful young lady who has
been a big part of the How Men Think podcast
right from the very start. Hanna Nouga Bauer is with us. Hanna,
(00:42):
how are you? I miss your face. It's good to
see you, I know. So Hannah worked with the podcast
break from the very start. Um has been part of
the team. And Hannah is dealing with a lot of
stress in her life currently as we all are, and
then to to help her and assist her move through
this transition. We have a wonderful and talented guest with us.
(01:04):
She's going to be a co host with me today.
She is best known as dr V. She's a renowned
relationship expert media personality, former host of we tv s
Marriage boot Camp. You recently became a best selling author
that debuted at the number one on the l A
Times with the release of her very first book, Bad Advice,
How to Survive and Thrive in an Age of Bullshit.
(01:26):
I love it. Dr Venus Nicolino, Welcome to the show.
Thanks for having me. I appreciate it. I'm going to
keep you in my back pocket for for whenever I
need an intro. So yeah, just you can just look. Yeah,
you can just loop that. Dr v um So, dr V.
I'm super excited to have you on because, uh so
much with the state of the world, with what's going
(01:49):
on with COVID and just how has not turned out
how anybody imagined it would. There's a tremendous amount of
stress present in the world, and with the National Stress
Awareness Day, we want to open this up. In the
goal of this podcast, Hannah is going to be courageous
enough to share what she's going through, but the goal
is for Hanna's story to inspire others to have conversations
(02:13):
within their communities and hopefully receive from Hanna's story and
from your guidance, how we can move through this time
and deal with some stress. So Hannah, I want to
applaud you. You're courageous and brave and a lovely soul. Um.
And so Hannah, I'll let you take the lead and
maybe just let dr V know some of the things,
some of the stressful things that are present in your life. Yeah,
(02:34):
of course, Um, thank you dr V for talking to me.
I mean, I feel like right now everyone is dealing
with stress. Um. I'm a senior in college right now,
and I'm living in Pacific Beach in San Diego, and
I don't leave my house much, and it's hard for
me because I like to always stay busy. I like
to be outside, and I think that this shift of
(02:57):
online school and not having a lot of social interaction
has been really hard for me. Um. I studied abroad
in January in Barcelona for about three months through my school,
and that was something that was really scary for me,
and I kind of just went for it, and I
got out of my comfort zone and I was living
(03:18):
really far away from my family. I was on my own.
I was with a couple of friends, but it was
a super foreign experience and I felt like I made
so much personal growth being on my own and being
somewhere where they don't really speak English, and I was
pushing myself and then got set home because of the coronavirus.
And now I feel like I'm kind of back at
square one, where I'm I have taken a lot of
(03:42):
steps backwards in my personal growth, and I'm feeling just
very frustrated in that sense, and also just feeling stressed
out in what's next for me and how I keep growing. Okay,
So I just want to address you had said that
you felt as though there's a personal grows setback, and
I'll tell you that that is a narrative and a
(04:06):
story and a lie that you're telling yourself, because by
being a part of what's happening today, by being aware
of what you're feeling, you have grown exponentially already. So
I know that it feels like that, but feelings aren't facts.
(04:27):
So I want to just say that straight, that personal
growth is happening as we speak right now. And I
also want to tell you that you are not alone.
Over sixty two of Americans. That's can you imagine, I'm
like that sixty of Americans are suffering with some kind
(04:52):
of mental health struggle. People who would otherwise not be
are now struggling. So just to give a snapshot of
you had brought up the virus, So let's have a
snapshot of that. In March it was about which is
still a very very large number. Now we're almost at
(05:12):
six five. So just imagine that something happens. We have
this enormous sphere right in March, we're all we're we
don't know what to do with ourselves. We're devastated, we
can't believe what's happening. You would think that that would
be the height of our mental illnesses, our mental fears,
(05:35):
our anxieties, are stresses. You would think it would be
then totally it isn't. It's actually has grown. So it's
not necessarily the virus that has helped us feel um
all sorts of negative feelings. But it's what goes around
(05:59):
that virus. Right, It's what you had said, a sense
of loneliness, a sense of isolation. We have job loss,
we have drug use, we have domestic violence. We could
go on and on and on about everything that has
been in this pressure cooker that is just getting exponentially
(06:20):
higher in statistics. And I'm glad you're here and not
a bunch of bros. Although that would be um, well, Hannah,
that women experience more psychological trauma. They're reporting more psychological trauma,
(06:43):
which begs the question are women bearing more of the
emotional labor of what's happening or are men under reporting
how they feel or both. It's a it's an interesting question,
you know something to your October podcast and you're talking,
(07:04):
you're answering all these different questions Brooks about you know,
you know what men think and how men feel, and
of course what you think. You know, I feel this
sucks for me, but you are answering these these these
really really great questions and answering them with a lot
(07:25):
of heart and a lot of humor. And it had
occurred to me that's so much of what goes on
with men goes unspoken. So I want to just really
put that out there as definitely that the statistic is
weighing heavily on women. Going back to you, you're not alone. Um,
(07:47):
I think some of the issues here is what can
you do about it? M hm? So let's start there.
Let's start there, what what can where are some starting
points for Hanna or for anybody else who's going through this.
Aim sort of similarities where Hanna, where their life was
on a great trajectory and then COVID happened and things
have been shut down, and now they're finding themselves in
(08:07):
a foreign place where they're really isolated, really alone, may
be sad. Maybe some people are depressed, uncertain, unsure. All
of these things just a tidal wave coming at once.
What are some things, uh, starting points for people to
start to deal with this amount of stress? Well, Hanna,
I want to ask you, what have you already tried? What?
(08:30):
What did it work? Yeah? I mean I feel like
I hold a lot in and that's something that I've
just done my whole life, and I've been really trying
to just let it all out reately. Am I on you?
In a way? I think that I put up a
really tough front, and I always like to be there
(08:51):
for other people. But then I don't allow myself to
feel what I'm feeling, or I don't even acknowledge that
I'm having a hard day. Sometimes then it just builds
and builds, and that's when it gets hard. So you
are the receptacle, the container of everybody else's feelings. Yeah,
and I and I totally like being that for my friends.
(09:12):
And the people around me. I genuinely like to be
there for them, and I want to know what's going
on in their life and I want to be that
support system. But at times I feel like I'm missing that. Mhm.
Is there anyone that we want our relationships to be
equitable and for life, not just now, but now more
(09:37):
than ever. Our relationships need to be equitable. Do you
know what I mean when I say that? Yeah? Okay,
so so many of what I'm hearing, so many of
your relationships aren't equitable. I'm gonna be na because I
got a problem. And how doesn't listen all my because
that's what Hannah does. She's my emotional container. Okay. And
(10:00):
at the end of the day, who are you able
to go to? Right? We need to make sure that
we have people in our lives where it is equitable,
where you are able to put your fears and your
stresses outside of you. And let me tell you the
power of that. Once ple we voice a fear out loud,
(10:25):
That fear has difficulty growing because it no longer has
a host. It's a parasite inside of you, right, So
you'll lay it out, you'll blurt out. It's so powerful
all of a sudden, it loses a little bit of power.
When you tell that fear and that anxiety to someone
(10:45):
who's actively listening, really wanting to take it from you
and hold it, it loses even more power. So now
your anxiety, now your stresses are even a little less.
So social distancing doesn't mean emotional distancing. I cannot stress
(11:07):
that enough. This is your personal growth. Where can you
how can you push yourself to rely on other people
to be listened to? This is your growth and by
the way, that is a lesson when you figure out
how to do it. Please tell me because I've been
(11:30):
almost fifty years so so you are you calling you
when when you figure out to Um, Hana, I have
a question for you. Do you believe do you believe
in your That's great advice, Dr be Us. I want
(11:51):
to acknowledge you for that that social distancing isn't emotional distancing.
That is wonderful, um and I want our listeners to
hear that in to receive that. Uh. And then my
question for you, Hannah is do you believe that you
have friends that you can or that can listen to
you and hear you and hear your fears and support
(12:13):
you and love you and be that container for you,
and that you just haven't opened that up to share
with them, or do you feel like you just don't
have those people in your life You're willing to open up,
but you have, you just don't have the people to
do it right. I definitely have a strong support system
with my family and a lot of friends. I think
(12:33):
where I struggle is I don't want to be the
burden for other people. And that's something that I mean,
I feel like I've just done my whole life like
i just want to put up a front where everything's okay,
I'm okay, don't worry about me, like I'm here for you.
And I've had to learn to get over that hump
of accepting that it's okay for me to have feelings
(12:56):
to everyone has feelings, like I'm able to feel things
to share that with others, Hana, for a second, I
want to reframe that for you and maybe our listeners.
I'm sorry to interrupt you for listeners to to think
about this as well. Um by you not having that
(13:17):
relationship be equitable, by feeling like you're a burden, I
want to reframe that for you. It's a selfish way
to be actually quite selfish because you now control that relationship.
You now are the power dynamic of that relationship by
(13:39):
holding back and by everybody giving to you. It's a
powerful place to be. So it's gonna take a lot
of your vulnerability to step forward. So so many times
when we feel like we are the person, we are,
the backbone of everybody we are, that is true. I'm
(14:01):
just giving you another version that that is not that
that is very selfish, because other people deserve your vulnerabilities too,
So I just kind of wanted to reframe it and
hopefully like like what I'm really doing is using what
you think is helpful against you. So I don't know,
(14:25):
and I sure you're trying to be selfless, and I'm
trying to tell you that's a selfish way to be. Yeah,
And I think that's I think that's a really good point.
And it does like, if I'm being honest, I'm such
a control freak and that kind of goes with what
you just kind of like, I know I completely am
and just looking back where I am. I'm a senior
(14:47):
in college, and up until this point, I've kind of
known what is coming next after middle school you go
to high school. After high school, it's called and coronavirus
or not. This stage in life, I feel like it's
kind of unsettling for some people because I don't know
what's next, and not having that control or not knowing
(15:07):
what's coming next scares me so much, and I just
try and get all the control and other areas that
I possibly can, If that makes sense. Well, yeah, I
mean it's so when we know what's coming next, and
particularly someone like you, you remind me of it. Would
it be wrong to say that you're a planner? I
(15:28):
am a complete planner. She's and it makes her excellent
at many parts of her job, and like like she's
so good at that. Yes, these things that make us
uh successful and wonderful, and certain areas can be our
achilles heel in others. M I'm sure Brooks, as an athlete,
(15:56):
you probably have had this as well, right, Like, like,
what makes you strong in one area was your achilles
heel in another time it was a shadow. It was
a shadow of the light. So what made you great
on the ice may have made you I don't know.
I'm just I'm just unemotional in a personal relationship exactly.
(16:17):
So it's what makes us accomplished in one area can
be our our Achilles heel in another. So this idea
that you're a planner and that I got the sense
that you are control for you, I'm so glad that
you sort of brought that to like to say it
for you. Um, it's good to know about yourself. And
(16:38):
so what does this mean? This means that number one,
you're going to have to continue that growth of being
a good planner, right So you don't want to stop that,
you want to continue that. How do you do that?
I'm sure you have a million in one ways. You're
the planner. You look, you write down your a Like
(17:00):
how do you cope with making sure you have a
plan for your days? Because I bet you this could
help our listeners and like in terms of how you
plan right well, I mean I'm sitting at my desk
right now and I'm looking at my wall and I
have sticky notes everywhere, like in rows of like Monday,
Tuesday months. Yeah, I mean, I'm such a visual person
(17:21):
who I like to see things and envision things, and
that's how I just plan and get organized. But the
second that anything comes into my life where I can't
plan on it happening, or I can't control how it's
going to pan out, then I freak out. That's when
I just like lose control and I don't know how
(17:41):
to deal with that. No, again, going back to this
being an incredible telling for your personal growth, Living in
the moment is something that you're going to have to
figure out how to do your entire life to experience joy.
How that's how we experience joy is that we live
(18:04):
in moments to moments, Like when we laugh, it's an
involuntary response. We're living in that moment. We were able
to bottle just a little bit of joy. And when
you're unable to live in the present, you're unable to
experience joy. And guess what that does. That that magnifies
(18:25):
on itself, begins to tap into all like trauma bonds.
It begins to tap into the miserable gland in your brain.
Because when we biologically, when we smile, we send muscle memory.
You're you're an athlete, Brooks. You know all about muscle memory,
the memory to our brain that makes us happy. And
(18:48):
when we're laughing, and then the quality of our life
gets better. The more we laugh, the more we experience joy.
The less we do that, the worst we feel. So
how do you think again, I want to ask you,
how do you think you could better live in the present?
(19:10):
I think just starting to let go of the control
that I have on the little things that don't really matter.
I don't want to let go of the control of
the big things that are important, Like if I have
something coming up, then I want to do everything that
I can to control the outcome is really amazing, But
(19:31):
the little things that I really don't need to control,
Like I'm such a perfectionist and I won't want everything
to be perfect. In acknowledging the fact that it's okay
for things to not be absolutely perfect and letting go
of that control, I think is a start. It scares me,
but it's at And that's that's the shadow side of
(19:53):
like your drive, like because no one you and having
worked with you, you are you are fantastic at what
you drop. Our pull We're looking after five guys our
podcast when we started had five guys and we all
felt absolutely looked after because Hannah Hada like we could
show up and it was just like we were taken
care of, Like you are amazing at your drop And
then this is the shadow part of it, where it's
(20:15):
where it's um what you were talking about, Dr B
about how the blessing can also show up in your
life as a curse, where this doesn't set you free
and causes you anxiety and drama and like nervousness and
stress over things that are actually maybe out of your control.
It's just it's being aware of that and then having
the subtle dance to acknowledge that, Okay, I can't control
(20:38):
this so much. This I really can, and I'm gonna
champion it, but this is maybe an element that I
need to leave a little grace in it for I'm
going to ask you now how you feel in this moment,
and by the way, how you felt before just changed
(21:00):
and it changed again, and it changed again. I mean,
I think that even just letting this out and talking
to Booth the view makes me feel a lot better.
It's the reassurance side of making me feel like I'm
not alone and that it is normal, because I get
(21:21):
so in my head and wrapped up about oh my gosh,
I feel so stressed and anxious and overwhelmed, and how
come no one else feels like this? But they do,
And it's normal, and I don't let myself acknowledge that
it's normal. I pretend like everything's fine all the time.
While I'm happy you said that, I actually was attempting
(21:42):
to have you live in the moment, which would be
too understand what you feel in that moment. I feel sad,
I feel angry, I feel I feel annoyed, I feel sad,
(22:04):
any one of those, I feel happy, any one of
those things that if you're able the pinpoint to stop
your day and really ask yourself, what am I feeling
right now? That the tool that grounds you in the
moment that takes two seconds of your time, So I
(22:26):
ask you again without planner kind of explanation and go
on and on and on, because it's what it's what
to do. So I want to stop you from doing it,
like I wanted either to really help you. So I
don't need to be uh hard ass, but I I
want to help you in this moment. So I love it,
(22:49):
like even towards me or or or any what is
it that you're feeling right now in the moment without thought?
I feel overwhelmed? Yeah, yeah, very overwhelmed because I think,
for the first time in a really long time, I'm
acknowledging what I've been feeling, and it's really overwhelming. Is
(23:12):
it over Can we dive? Can we unpack that a little? Honea?
Is it overwhelming with I have so many projects and
things that I have to work on right now I'll
do at the same time, like, these are things in
front of me that are overwhelming me right now? Or
is it I'm overwhelmed because I'm not sure what's coming
and the weight of that uncertainty is really making me
(23:34):
feel overwhelmed. Yeah, I think it's a mixture of things.
I'm overwhelmed with school. I also have been living I
feel like with a lot of guilt and feeling like
I should be spending more time with my grandparents or
my family. And that's something that I struggle with a lot.
I think to myself, why am I down here when
(23:56):
my parents are north northern California and so are my grandparents,
When I could be up there and I could be
using this time to have quality time with them. It
just puts a lot of things into perspective for me.
Right now, when you had you, because I can see
you are our listeners, I don't know if they will
(24:16):
be able to see you. You almost looked like you
were going to cry. I have been on the verge
of tears for like a week straight. Yeah, this week
has been hard for me, and it's perfect timing that
I'm able to talk to you. But yeah, I'm very
emotional right now, and I don't like to cry. I
don't like to let things out, but I try and
(24:38):
hold it in as you can see. But yeah, I'm
very emotional right now, and I'm just overwhelmed and I
don't really know how to deal with it. Would happened,
What do you think would happen if you cried and
let it all out? I'd probably feel really good. But
I don't allow myself to do that much. And I'm
completely aware of it. I'm very self aware and I
know exactly what I'm doing. I'm telling myself not to cry,
(25:01):
but it would probably feel really good, and I'm in
need of a good cry. You're a little bit of
a massa chist to yourself. You don know what you
need and eletely well good? Why wait from it? Our self?
Sabotage myself all the time. Yeah, I know exactly what
I need, but I don't. I cry all the time,
(25:24):
and it's wonderful. Yeah, it's a great It's something I've
like recently learned since the passing of our two dogs.
I've learned like how to honor emotions in the moment
and let them come up and through me and out
of me. And a lot of times that's through crying,
and it's and you know, Mihanna, I've played pro hockey
(25:46):
for fifteen years, ran through dudes into dudes. I'm a dude.
I love like being able to release emotion truthfully, organically
in the moment, not suppress it. Not I I could
stuff it if I want to. It's so not healthy.
It is so liberating to allow and give yourself the
(26:07):
grace and the capacity to just allow that emotion to
live and come out and then it's like, oh god,
that felt great and probably very freeing. It's so liberating.
Dr V. Do you like encourage people to to cry
or to let outstress or like you're you're you're hoping
to encourage Hannah here to do it, but like, I've
(26:30):
just learned that, and it is so liberating to honor
those emotions and let them come to life and then
they don't persist with me. Well, you don't have a
choice because biology wins always, so you're going to end
up crying at some point. Oh that's wonderful yourself the space,
(26:54):
as as Books was saying, to kind of make it sacred, right,
why at some point all of us, whether we're going
to get frustrated, like biology will win, we are meant
to cry to release the chemicals and the toxins that
are in the brain. That's why we do it. And
there's different kinds of prize as well. They're silent crying,
(27:14):
they're screaming crying. There's trauma crying, there's anger crying. We
have happy crying, happy crying, joy crying, we have all
kinds of crying because the brain is meant to do
its thing. So you're gonna cry no matter what at
some point, whether you like it or not. Yeah, matter
(27:35):
of do you want to? And I'm going to use
this again in your and as your benefit to con
hold that because you can, you can have space, a
sacred space where you're able to allow yourself to feel
your feelings and allow them to come to the surface
(27:56):
and understand that you are doing something good for yourself
and even our planner. I want to encourage um, I'm
gonna say this, and I hope that both of you
don't I roll yourselves into another universe because I hear
me say it and I want to I roll myself
(28:16):
and the universe. Um, there are these amazing many meditations
five minutes of your time, manner, minutes of our day
where you can go on to Spotify or any other
place and you can play a five minute, many many
(28:37):
meditation for anything you want, whether it's to release motion,
whether it's for fear, for anger. Let's say you're overwhelmed
your anger, whatever may be five minutes to take for yourself.
And here's the rub is that sometimes we think like
self care is about the actual thing we do. It's
(28:58):
really about the act of just doing it. So it's
a little like gratitude. People think it's what they're great for. No,
it's remembering to be grateful that gives you that feeling
of a cocaine hit in your brain. So it's the
act of doing it. So I wanted to just give
you a real tool to hold onto because I know
(29:22):
we're talking theoretically and a lot of times therapy is
about kind of theory and then reply to yourself. Um.
But many meditations either before you start your day or
before you go to bed, to really understand and help
you live in the moment. It will help you in
that moment. Yeah. No, that's amazing and thank you so much.
(29:45):
I appreciate it. And I do want to start allowing
myself to help me like I I can provide myself tools.
I'm just not allowing myself the help. And there's about
this whole scenario. Um, there's something about the pandemic and
how it's making you feel, how it's helping you feel,
(30:07):
that's tapping in to a different trauma from the past.
You brought up a lot of guilt, you brought up
feeling out of control, you brought up feeling you should
be with your there's something that it's tapping into a
younger part of yourself. Um, and that's you know, that's
something for you to sort of think about. I don't
(30:29):
know if that hits you in an eye roll moment
or if that's sort of like, oh, let me let
me think about that. Is it tapping into a younger
pain And that's wheels so out of control? Yeah, because
I'm finally acknowledging all of my feelings from all of
like yeah, and growing up because I mean, my parents
(30:53):
will say all the time, like, you have no emotion,
you show no emotion, like you never cry, And when
I show the slightest bit of emotion then they're like,
who is this person? And I think that you're totally
write the pandemic and everything that's going on right now,
I view it as negative. But after this conversation, I
(31:13):
want to start shifting my perspective in looking at it
in a positive light, like You're so right. It has
forced me to be more in touch with my emotion
and for once, I'm acknowledging that I feel overwhelmed and
that I am stressed out and that I'm a complete
control freaking I need to just let go sometimes. So
(31:34):
there are benefits. Yeah, yeah, I have two thoughts. Um DRV.
You said the five minute meditation thing, um, to allow
yourself to feel what you're feeling. The one thing that
really right now in my life works exceptionally well, UM
is before breakfast, lunch, and supper, I will say a
little prayer and I just say a prayer of what's
(31:57):
on my heart. I'm grateful for my dog. I'm grateful
for this beautiful house and this beautiful bay. On this lake.
I'm grateful for the air in my lungs, and just
I just say what comes out of mynd and a
lot of times I end up crying because it's in
the practice of gratitude. I also say I'm grateful for
the blessings and the challenges in my life. I'm grateful
that life isn't just easy and and and a lot
(32:19):
of times I or like if I have friends here
at the house, I'm like, I'm grateful for this time
of connection that we create, the space to get together,
to serve and give to each other's life. And I
find myself like tearing up, and it's like wow, like
that actual gratitude is actually I'm not just having gratitude.
I'm experiencing gratitude. And so prayer has been a really
(32:41):
big one for me to be able to acknowledge what
I'm feeling. It's it's just practicing gratitude out loud. Um.
And then the other thing that I when you that
I thought of earlier on Haunted, when you said you
had great friends, You have people in your life, great
family who would would be great resources to love you
and support you, uh and hold you a creadle you
(33:03):
in whatever way mentally, physically, emotionally that you need it. Um,
I want to tell you a little story that about
my mom. Um. When I started playing pro hockey, and
as a pro hockey player, I wanted to do something
very nice for my mom. I bought my dad a
boat as a gift, just of like, I love you, Dad,
I'm not here without you. I bought my dada boat
(33:23):
And I want to do something very nice for my mom.
And she's like, I don't want anything. I'm not letting
you buy me anything. And I'm like, Mom, you're robbing
your son the joy of giving a gift to his
mother because you don't want anything. And so you not
opening up to your friends or your family, are robbing
(33:44):
them the joy of being there for you in a
tough time in your life. How how excited are you
when somebody's in a really tough time in their life
and you get to be the person to hear them,
to cut to created them, to love them, to talk
them through it. Like the joy that you get in
that moment. You are not allowing others to experience that
(34:06):
joy by not talking about yourself. But Hannah, you also
said something very interesting that because you have conditioned others
to receive you in a very specific way as unemotional,
that when you do become emotional, you don't get the
response that you need. That's important to think about it,
(34:31):
and I'm wondering, what do you what do you mean there?
Dr B? Can you can you impact that you don't
get the response that you should needs. As Anna had
said it herself, Hannah had said that you explain to
Hannah that people are so you being one way that
when you are, you don't know what to do. Yeah,
and they're just so used to me in that way,
(34:54):
and so that when I am emotional, they're not going
to know how to really. I mean, it's going to
be four to them and they're not going to really.
So this is something you've experienced. I got the sense
that this was something that you had experienced when you
were emotional, that because you're not you that are and
(35:14):
people are like, I don't know what to do with this?
Is that what you're That's what I thought you were saying. No, completely.
I think that because for so long I've kind of
allowed myself to not be emotional, and I've wanted to
just be the rock for everyone around me when I
start to show the slightest bit of emotion. Everyone so
(35:35):
confused and they don't kind of know what to do
because they're like, wait, Hanna is showing emotion and she's
like has feelings, So you're so right with And I
don't think I really ever thought about that. It was
just kind of it's just normal for me, So dr
for Hannah in that situation, or for any of our
listeners that feel like that's them in their life. When
(35:56):
they start to get emotional, people like, what is this
You're not using? What what could Hanna or our listeners
do in that moment? Do they just bring voice like yeah,
I am emotional, Like I need you? Can you I'm struggling?
Can you listen? Can you? Like? How how can they
get the response that they desire? If the response because
we're not perfect beings. People are you know, people might
(36:17):
not know how bad haunt and wants to really open up,
but she's looking for somebody to pull that out of them.
If they aren't pulling that out of her, how can
she help them become aware to do that to be like,
I really need to hear well, sometimes we have to
deep pattern people in our lives, especially our parents and
(36:37):
the people and our family, like you were saying, you
have this good support to stem of friends and families.
So I'm imagining that those relationships are long right there. There,
they've been since the time you've been born. Yes, so
they're long relationships. Uh well, I mean you're like twenty
(37:00):
so they're not that long, but there as long as
you have been alive. And so because you experience, you
opened up maybe once, maybe twice, and you got you
didn't get what you needed. Now now I know why
(37:20):
you're not doing that. I now know why. And I
find that in just this, you know, half hour of
talking to you, a gift that I know something about
you now that I didn't know before this. This has
been a pattern and that you have been traumatized. You
(37:42):
haven't gotten what you needed. So that means you're going
to have to be pattern the people in your life,
and you're going to have to tee them up. You're
gonna have to say, if you can, I need you
right now, I need you in this moment, and I
don't want your opinion. I want your support. So that's
(38:03):
something that I've been telling a lot of people lately too,
because everyone's full of their opinion. Look up, I don't
nobody wants your opinion. They just want your support. So
it's important that you tell them what you need. If
you want their opinion, and I love your opinion, but
if you don't want their opinion, you just need support.
I need you and I just need your support. I
(38:25):
want your opinions, I just want your support. So you're
gonna have the deep pattern those people and what does
that mean? That means you have to tea them up
for what they're going to expect from you, because normally
they would expect you to be a very certain way.
Now you could take that even further. You could even
have more courage and have a conversation about the times
(38:49):
you came to them and you were emotional, Yeah you
received them, and that you're looking for something different, that
you want your relationships to be equitable, right totally. Yeah, No,
that makes sense. And I need to just start asking
for help when I need it because I know that
(39:11):
my friends and my family is so amazing, especially my parents,
and I know that they will listen to me. I
just don't allow them to listen to me. How do
we get the courage to do that? Though? Dr V?
Because that's what you're saying. I agree with completely, But
(39:35):
how do we muscle up the courage to be that
vulnerable to ask that, to to say to somebody like,
I don't need your opinion, I need your support. I'm
really struggling because we all want to we're right, We're
right there were It's like a cliff like we're about
to go over it, but we stop ourselves. How do
we just push over that line and really force ourselves
(39:56):
to come out and say that, no, that the other
side is looking for that. Yes, about the other side.
Know that the other side is waiting to receive you,
that the other side wants that, particularly the way you've
(40:19):
described your family and your friends, and by the way,
I wouldn't say that about everybody, but we're having this
conversation with you, Hannah, and I know that the other
side is waiting for you. Yes, the relationship equitable, right,
but you're so strong, right, you say it the way
(40:40):
it is. You're the planner, and they allow you to
be the emotional vehicle of the relationship. They allow you
to be the engine. So you're asking to sit in
the passenger side. You're asking a ride shotgun. You want
want somebody else to drive for a second in and
there's nothing wrong with that because that other person wants
(41:03):
to drive. Mm hmm. Yeah. I needed to hear that.
I learned that lesson about a year ago. Dr b
Um my whole life I was. I was like Hannah,
I was great at being strong for myself. I could.
I was tough. I could, I could will myself through things.
I could suppress emotion I could. And what what what
(41:26):
ended up happening is that put me on an island
all by myself, and I realized I really wasn't that strong.
And what the growth that I needed to make was
I needed to become strong enough to ask for help
and to accept help and to let other first. Actually,
even before before that, it was let others know that
I'm struggling, that I need help. And when I crossed
(41:49):
that bridge, that was one of the proudest moments in
my life. I'm like, I'm so proud of myself that
I've learned that I don't have to be strong. I
can be, but I don't have to be you, but
that I'm strong enough to let my closest people in
my life know that I need help, that I need
support and then the tidal wave of support from these people.
(42:09):
They're like, oh my god, I love like like the
clear schedules they come over right now, like they're just
they show up the present. They're gonna text you tomorrow,
will call you to more, They're gonna follow up how
you doing, just checking in how's your heart? Like they
are gonna show up in your life in as a
tidal wave that is just and then that reaffirms like
oh my god, I should open up again about something.
(42:31):
But it takes the courage on the first time to
do it. But upon I'm really like, I'm so excited
for you because I feel like you're going to take
that step and your mom is gonna be so proud
and happy to talk to you. Your dad and they're
could be like I think got a little girl his
our little girl like grown woman but sharing your heart.
(42:52):
So proud of you, you know, as a as a
friend of yours, Like I would love it if you
called me and you said books, I need I need
an ear. You know, I'm like, Okay, let me clear
everything and just be here for you. It's such a
gift to allow people to step into that place, be
in that place. What an honoring of that person that
you trust them with your heart and your emotions. What
(43:14):
a beautiful way to honor them. But I also say
that I don't want you to self sabotage because a
lot of times the planner be a person who's emotionally withholding,
and that's what you're doing. You're emotionally withholding. Will purposefully
choose the wrong person to open up really yourself, you
(43:39):
will purposely because you want to. You wanna, You're gonna
have that self fulfilling prophecy, You're gonna you're right, so
be I want you to not get caught in that draft, right,
not subconsciously control. Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm wanna,
I'm wanna. I want to be in control. I'm gonna
make sure that don't have to share. I'm gonna make
sure you have to remain the same all the time
(44:01):
now like I am fixed in stone, I'm not going
to change, and I'm gonna make sure I choose the
wrong person to open up to. So it's about really
making sure that you choose the right person to open
up to. And I said, it makes total sense, And
(44:22):
I have a very very strong support system and I'm
very lucky, and I feel so grateful for the people
in my life, and I need to start I mean
using them in talking to them, because they're in my
life for a reason. Brooks, you to speak to um
humanity as a whole, that we have been sold a
(44:44):
lot um. So anthropologically and biologically humans are meant to cooperate.
That is how we have survived. We are meant to
join in joy and pain and happiness. Which is why
so mental things is happening now. Is we're unable to
(45:10):
brush up against each other in a store, We're unable
to see faces, were unable to experience, uh, the social
animals that we are UM. And it really speaks to
humans as a whole that we are meant for cooperation,
that we are not warlike creatures being sold. All of
(45:32):
that research has been debunked with chimpanzees and monkeys forever,
and yet we continue to perpetuate this lie um. Humans
are meant to cooperate, We're meant to commune. People want
to commune with you, and that's why I know on
the other side someone's waiting for you. I know that
(45:53):
for effect, because biology and science wins every time, and
we call apart in our Western world, our hearts and
our heads, and then science and statistics over here they're
the same. They're there, they're the same that if you
follow the through line, they just go hand in hand
and they make sense. So your biology and your science
(46:15):
is going to win. Because humans were meant to cooperate
and commune in difficult times, and because we're not able
to do that, we're living unnaturally and it's tapping into
people's inability to sleep, their inability to eat, or overreading
or drug use or whatever it may be. Whatever we're
(46:36):
humans are pushed to be unnatural. Um, there are consequences
to that. So going back to what you were saying Brooks,
there is a larger picture of of why, Um, you're
experiencing the other side in such a nice way. Yeah,
and also to to put to take some of the
(46:58):
stress off you, Hannah, and and any of our listeners too.
Is is what you alluded to earlier, Dr v Um.
A lot of the conditioning and the muscles that I've
built to be able to perform in my career as
a professional athlete, I strengthened those so much to perform
in that arena that it was impossible for that also
(47:21):
not to bleed into my personal life. So it's not
like I didn't want to be emotional. It was just
I had practiced sensory deprivation. I've talked about this on
this podcast so many times. I I practiced and trained
sensory deprivation so I could go harder, longer, feel no pain,
not here, noise, dosia, distraction in a twenty person building,
(47:43):
I was a robot, and that allowed me to perform
in that arena of sport. But it's subtract or detracted
from my emotional capacity as a human being. And so
it didn't mean I was a flawed person. That didn't
mean I was a bad person had all these I
wasn't capable of all these things. And just like you, Hannah,
(48:05):
like you have amazing skills that you have cultivated to
achieve at a high level in your professional life, and
it's impossible for that part of you not to also
just subtly bleed into the personal side of your life.
And so it's not a flaw within you that you
haven't been able to open up. But dr V and Hannah,
(48:27):
you have brought attention to the fact now that it's
okay to that you. We are all struggling and we
want to open up. So now it's on Now, it's
on us. Now it's time to take the ownership of
that and to be the take our step forward. And Hannah,
you've heard me say it on this podcast many times.
Part of the reason why I wanted to do this
podcast is because I'm not good at opening up. I'm
(48:50):
not good at talking. Guys talk about things, their trucks,
the game, whatever, they talk about things fishing, but they
don't talk about our hearts and what we're feeling. And
I was the king of that, and that's why I
wanted to do this podcast. And Gavin, you know, Gavin
was also the king of that, and that's why we
wanted to do this podcast. And we've said it many times.
We want to step forward. What's our purpose of this podcast.
(49:10):
We want to step forward as men, masculine men, step
forward and set down our armor, and in doing so,
every other man around us sets down here and be like,
thank God, because I'm also dealing with this. I'm also
dealing with this, but this is doing this podcast is
a way for me to practice this. This is why
I do it. So Hannah, I and I feel like
(49:31):
you're a much more evolved person than I am, even hanted,
So you have the capability within you and the power
within you to reach out to people, and it's gonna
be so liberating and exciting and you're gonna enjoy it.
It's actually not scary. You're gonna enjoy it. It's gonna
feel so good for you to share those things. So
however I can help, I just want to support you
(49:52):
and saying you love and hope that you, um you
do reach out to those people because they are waiting,
as dr B that they're waiting for you with open arms.
On the other side, well, thank you, I mean, I
appreciate it. And talking with you two today has just
even made me feel a little little bit lighter in itself,
and it's given me motivation to just keep talking about things,
(50:16):
and it's made the process I feel a little bit
less scary because you guys have been so receptive, and
I know that if I'm getting this reaction from you guys,
people in my life will be there, like you said,
with open arms, and they're ready to help. I even
see even see like me, Hanna, like my face is
(50:38):
glued at the screen. Um, whereas before I was sitting
back here is because like it's just natural as a human,
Like we all have hearts and we care about people.
And I know you and I care about you, and
I know you at a tenth of the degree that
everybody else in your life knows you. Um, but it's
pulling me into like be closer, and our listeners can't
see if my face is dammed up against and like
(51:00):
because I just I already feel drawn to you, already
feel drawn to support and to love you, and that
that this person is this opening up and like I'm here,
and so that same reaction is going to be present
through your friends or your family. Are the people who
are closest in your life and closest to your heart,
they are just going to lead into it with all
(51:22):
of theirs. So I hope you do it real soon.
And I want to say one of the things to
you as a planner, reassure the worrior in you that
there is time to do everything you want to do
with your life, but you are not losing time. Reassure
(51:44):
the worrior in you. And I think doing that for
you will be very helpful on a regular basis because
you're planning because you're stressed and you're worried. That's that's
the copy of that. That's because you've had to cope
with other feelings, and that's why you're a planner. And
(52:05):
I just want you to reassure the warrior insiderself that
there is time to do the things you want to
do with your life. Yeah. I really appreciate that. I
mean seriously from the bottom of my heart, because I
am such a warrior and I overthink and I think
too much. My dad always tells me, you think too much.
But I just need to start having conversations with myself.
(52:27):
And I think the first step is just acknowledging it
within me that it's everything is just going to be okay.
You just got to let it out. And things happen
for a reason. I always try to remind myself that
things happen for a reason. Also, Hannah, we have the
most successful podcast in the world. Everybody in the world
(52:49):
listens to it. So everybody in the world is going
to know your problems now. So even if you you've
already you've already opened up, even if you don't know it,
because your mom's gonna listen to your dad's gonn listen
to it, and people are gonna be calling you alright, girl,
like open up. So you you've you've announced it to
the world already, Um, why not? Now everyone knows. Everyone knows.
(53:13):
I'm gonna be getting calls in text starting next week.
Thanks guys, Thanks a lot, Um, We love you, Thank
you so much. I just want to acknowledge you for
your courage, because the bravery and the courage to step
forth and share that, to share that publicly on this
platform is so courageous. And undoubtedly there are many many
(53:35):
women and men listening to this that are seeing themselves
in your story exactly and will then go and open up.
That's our hope with this episode is they will also
open up to their community, to there, as Dr VI says,
equitable friends and show them love and honor them and
honor themselves by opening up and say hey, I'm part
(53:56):
of I'm part of us. I need you, I need
your heart. I don't need your opinion everything that DRV said,
But you've undoubtedly inspired people, Hannah, Um, You've inspired me,
and I just want to acknowledge you for your courage
and your heart. You've always been a joy to our
podcast and joy to be around. Thank you. It means
a lot. I mean, this was the most that I've
(54:18):
let out in months, and I really mean that, Like
I have not talked for this long about my emotions
in years, and it feels good. It does feel good,
and it's encouraged me to just keep keep opening up
and letting go of the warrior inside of me and
(54:38):
letting go of the control. And I really will take
everything to heart. I mean, I'm already looking at my planner.
I'm like, I want to write down everything that Dr
V has said and rita at the beginning of my days,
because I mean, you said it best. You just gotta
trust yourself and everything's gonna work out. M Dr V.
(55:01):
I want to thank you as well for pouring your
heart into this conversation, pouring your heart into Hannah, and
our listeners are undoubtedly going to thank you. Um where
can where can our listeners find more of you? Where?
On social media? On TV? Where can they find you?
It's a great question. It's always a brain teaser for me.
So because you're everywhere, I write all down. So it's
(55:23):
my Instagram is a doctor d O C T O R,
A spell doctor, Underscore V Underscore Um, you can find
me on Twitter at d r underscore v underscore tweet. Um,
and you can find me. Uh, you know you can.
My first name as Venus. You can look up in
the sky and see me every now and again. So right,
(55:45):
can you tell where can we Where can we get
the new book? Anywhere? Books are sold? Anywhere? Books are sold?
So bad advice how to survive and thrive in an
age of bulls? I love it. What can you tell
us about the book? Just tell you, give us a
little snip it. Well. Um. The New York Post dubbed
it as one of the top five books that will
change your life. So I think that that's when I
(56:08):
got that actoe. I was like, wow, that's good for you.
It doesn't deserve that. I don't think the New York
Post gets those things wrong. Wonderful very um. You know
it's it's unique in a way as though. It feels
as if you're having a conversation with your good friend
over a glass of wine. And that's what I wanted
(56:30):
it to have. I wanted you to have really um
my voice and and really be reaching through the page.
And and my goal with with really any creative endeavor
is Hopefully it helps you change the way you see
the world. It helps just shift your world view, even
(56:53):
if it's a millimeter, it means that I have done
my job. So wonderful. Grab the book. I think you'll
of it. You'll laugh a lot. It's super fun. You'll
learn a lot about yourself and about the world. And
and and Jojoy and thank you so much for having
me Brooks and Hannah. Thank you again for uh really
trusting both of us with um, yourself and your heart.
(57:18):
And if you think that with us, god damn you
can do that with other people. Yeah. Yeah, wonderful, wonderful Hanna,
thank you so much. Dr V, thank you so much.
Once again. The book is called Bad Advice, How to
Survive and Thrive in an Age of bull s. Um,
thank you so much, guys. Dr V would love to
have you back on here. We got to get the
other guys on here because Hannah is very welcomposed. We
(57:41):
got train wrecks of other guys here that that that
needs your help. So UM, thank you so much, Dr BE. Hannah,
we love you, I miss you. Can't wait to see
your face again soon. And to everyone else listening, thank
you for tuning in. This has been wonderful chat, wonderful discussion.
Until next week. Take care of one another, love one another,
and we'll see you back here for another episode of
How Men Think
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.