June 23, 2022 • 45 mins
This is the story of a semi-pro team in North Carolina that believes homosexuality is a sin - and the effect this belief has on its gay players. This is also the story of another team, 130-miles down the road: the Asheville City Blues, a team owned and coached by gay women and rainbow-loving allies who believe you can love whoever you want to love. The rivalry between these two teams is about more than just the queers playing against the evangelical Christians during Pride month. The history between these two teams runs deeper than you can possibly imagine.
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
We know it's you. We know that you are gay,
we know that this is not who you are. I
thought that they were going to come after me. It
felt like a witch hunt. It was a home to me,
such good friends, and I felt like I was excommunicated.
(00:24):
I didn't know that there was another option. I didn't
know Christians that that I thought it was okay to
be homosexual. I didn't know that it would have been
nice Today. I'm Hannah Waddingham and this is Hustle Rule,
an audio docuseries featuring the untold stories of women's soccer
players around the world, based on the book Under the
(00:45):
Lights and in the Dark, written by Gwendolen. Oxenham ran
full stuff for nobody, no fuon stuff for nobody. I
(01:13):
don't know whether it's just who I am inherently, or
whether it's because I come from theater with a mother
who was a professional opera singer. But I've been surrounded
by gay people since before I can remember. And as
for my own child, I've always brought her up with
a panel of god parents, and two of them are
a gay couple who have been together for twenty five
(01:35):
years and are without doubt the most successful married couple
I know in terms of their companionship and their ethos
for life and how they just support each other. And
so my brain has a really tough time computing why
religion and homosexuality wouldn't be able to get along together.
The judgment that goes on, I just can't fathom what
(01:58):
business it is of anybody's. It's difficult for me to
believe that in today's day and age, there are communities
where gay people are not welcome. But it's something that
I had to confront head on in this episode, and
I'm helping to tell this story because I want people
to know that it isn't a thing of the past. Unfortunately,
it's still very much happening today. The Charlotte Eagles is
(02:25):
a semi pro soccer team in North Carolina. They play
in a summer league called the w PSL, the Women's
Premier Soccer League. It's the highest level women can play
while still maintaining their college eligibility in the US, and
the Eagles aren't some random, middle of the road team
nobody has heard of. The Eagles are the best team
in the South and won the nationwide League championship in
(02:47):
two thousand and one. The team is also an evangelical
Christian organization, which isn't a secret. Every player who goes
there is fully aware that their summer will revolve around
worship and Bible study almost as much as soccer. But
there is one thing that many players didn't know when
they moved to Charlotte. The Eagles is not a welcoming
(03:09):
place if you're gay, whether you love Jesus or not.
This is the story of a team that will only
accept players who identify as straight. It's a story about
the gay players who left that team in pain, and
a story about another team that many of those players
now call home and the rivalry those teams share, culminating
(03:31):
in a game that means more than what ends up
on the school board. This is play away the game.
(03:51):
This episode, I'm handing the mic over to writer and
former player Gwendola Oxenham, who's spoken to former Eagles spanning
over a decade and has been following the team since
she was seventeen nice. This story starts in monta Vallo, Alabama,
(04:12):
where every year the best use soccer players in the
South gathered for six days to compete for a spot
on the Olympic development team. It was here in a
dorm room that I met Page Ledford when we were
fourteen years old. I just remember the essence of you.
I feel like, you know, it's just just like very warm,
(04:32):
like Gwendolin. Thanks were still, I like we're actually talking
to each other now, you know, There's always just been
this easy thing between us. I don't know Page or
her hair down. While she played, this mess of white
hair would fly behind her, giving us all the impression
that she was a wild, fair old child from the sticks,
(04:54):
which wasn't too far from the truth. I grew up
in Udawah, Tennessee, best place ever, it's kind of on
the edge of the Appalachian mountains. She stopped the field
like a hunter in the woods. Deft, smart and strong.
Coaches adored her for the same reason we did. She
fit no mold. She was an only child, born to
(05:14):
two parents who rarely spoke. My parents were very quiet people,
hardly ever talked in the home. They didn't never asked
me questions, and I never asked them questions. They'd send
her off into the woods to play by herself, and
you could see that creativity and self reliance while she played,
and she was as quiet as her parents. We thought
(05:36):
of her as our silent wonder and relished each new
detail that we pulled out of her. She got a
nearly perfect score on our a CT. She was Homecoming Queen,
and she held the clean and jerk weightlifting record for
the state of Tennessee. During the summer after my freshman
year at Duke, Paige and I lived together and played
(05:56):
for a semi protein the Memphis Mercury, which ove around
blasting old pro medicine show and eight peaches from roadside stands.
Midway through the summer, she bought smoke bombs from a
firework stand and for the rest of the summer she
just tossed them out the truck window as we left
the practice field. It's like an entrance, right. I don't
(06:18):
think I felt like that at the moment, but I can.
I can picture it as like fighters, like showing up
to the fighters. The following year at Clemson, Page got
a girlfriend. They came to visit me at Duke. My
normally silent friend was giddy, chatty, boundless, lee happy. Yeah.
(06:39):
I was totally in love with Addie. I thought I
wanted to be with her forever. By two thousand and five,
pages playing for the Charlotte Eagles. So are several of
my other soccer friends who all had girlfriends when I
knew them, now playing for the Eagles, they did not.
This mystified me. What was this conversion therapy via soccer?
(07:00):
What was happening? My four independent, competent, super talented friends
went to play on this team with one feeling in
their hearts and left with another. While I was suspicious
of the Eagles, my friends loved the team. Here's Amanda Martin,
who I also met in Manavallo when we were preteens,
(07:20):
eating granola bars and goldfish in the dorm rooms. She
was a scrappy goalkeeper with green eyes that really bored
into you. I thought it was the best place I've
ever been. To me, it was immediately home. I felt accepted.
I felt like that thing that met so much to me,
(07:41):
which is my faith, like to share that with everybody.
And also, we're really good at soccer, so it's like
to play at that level. And everyday practice was this
high intensity practice and then it would be followed with
like a Bible study. So to me, this was like
the best environment. I loved it. I loved it until
I got kicked off. Amanda played for the team for
(08:05):
three seasons, but in the middle of all of the joy,
worship and soccer, she felt conflicted and confided in her teammates.
I would not say, like I struggle with homosexual desire,
like those words have never fall out of my mouth
like that. But I think I would say in the past,
I've had really close female relationships, and I would never
(08:28):
talk about it like it was in the present. It was,
but I just was hiding, covering a lot of covering
who I really was. And we would pray about it.
Some of my teammates would lay hands on me, and
I would want that to like, you know, pray that
this desire goes away. And for Page, the organization encouraged
(08:49):
her to share her testimony. I guess because of my
story of having a girlfriend and the becoming Christian and
giving that up for for Jesus, like I a special
story that they would like me to tell to other people,
to show the power of Jesus, you know, in your life.
I guess the feeling was at the time was that
(09:09):
God had like freed me from it. And as for Amanda,
after her third season, it's like the off season so
it is let's say spring, it's still kind of cold.
And I get a phone call from our general manager
and he just says, hey, are you available to chat?
I would like to meet with you next week, you know,
(09:32):
on Tuesday. And and I immediately, like was so nervous
that I was like, we need to meet today? What
like today? It is not season, this is not like
a year round thing. It just felt so alarming, and
he said, okay, well, can you, you know, be at
the office at four pm? And I get there and
I'm nervous, like super nervous. He can't even look me
(09:54):
in the eyes. And you know, he's like leading me
back to an office and he's arey uncomfortable and he
just stumbles over his words and he says, I just
wanted to let you know, and I felt like I
needed to tell you this in person, but you are
no longer on this team. You're no longer a part
of this organization. And I blacked out because I at
(10:20):
that point I didn't even know to ask a question
or what question to ask, and it the whole thing
is really shifty, and you know, all he kept saying
was like, we wish you well with your faith, with Christ.
The only thing I know is that there are people
within the organization that know that I've had girlfriends. And
(10:42):
as I was walking out, head held down, like crying,
I just kept apologizing because I felt like I was
in the wrong, you know, I just kept saying, I'm
so sorry, And in my mind, I'm apologizing because I'm gay,
But I don't say that because it's unspoken. We don't
(11:04):
talk about it. Nobody has said, Amanda, there are people
in this organization that have brought your name to us
as someone that you know dates women. I remember I
got in the car and I'm like crying hysterically. I'm embarrassed.
Just gotten kicked off of a summer league team in
the off season in March, I was shunned from a
(11:27):
community that I loved so much. It was such a
home base for me. I felt like I will always
be a part of this organization in some way. I
don't know what it's gonna look like like, you know,
I may not be a player, but maybe I'll be
a coach for the Eagles. And I also felt like
this was my church right so it's like it was
(11:47):
it was a home to me, such good friends, and
I felt like I was excommunicated. So let me take
you to the next season two thousand and eight. There's
a new flock of Eagles. It's a mix of long
timers and fresh faces, and not everybody is prepared for
(12:10):
the religious parts of this team. I remember then getting
my schedule for the Eagles, and I remember the first
thing on there was a Bible study, like first thing
in the next morning. That's how they're dimmer now, Davis.
After the first like three days, it felt like a
preseason of not just soccer, but a preseason of Christianity.
(12:32):
And so you're getting two a days of these Christian
morality lessons and Bible study and worship, and it's all
new and all overwhelming. And so I think after about
the first three days, we looked at each other and
we're wide eyed and took a moment and we're like,
what have we gotten into? And part of that is
(12:53):
because the Eagles aren't just teaching the Bible. They were
evangelical Christians sharing their person journeys in their faith with
each other. Then about a third of the way through
this summer, a teammate invited Heather to coffee. So we went,
we sat outside, we were just kind of chatting about,
you know, the season so far and thoughts and where
(13:14):
we came from. And she was a couple of years
older than me, and she was telling me about her
story and she had some rocky parts of her story
that she shared very openly with me, and so I thought, oh, okay,
we're going to be vulnerable with each other and are
doing that here, And so I met her in that
(13:34):
and she mentioned part of her story being that she's
been with women before um, and I felt a surge
of relief that I'm not the only one here. And
I knew I wasn't the only one, but but this
was the first person to have an open conversation with
me about, as she said, her struggle. I hate that
(13:54):
phrasing of this is my struggle. No, it's not a
struggle that to your identity, honey. She was open with
me about her shruggle and of dating women and liking
being attracted to women, and so I shared with her, Oh,
I've also dated women and I'm currently kind of talking
(14:16):
to somebody on the team, which I was, but very
informally at this point. And then we continued our conversation.
It was not even like a bump in the road.
She didn't bat nye. I don't think she was surprised.
And then we went our separate ways. We hugged gotten
our cars, and then the next day we had a game,
and before the game there's always pregame chapel, so we
(14:38):
do we do chapel, and then the song stop, and
usually when it's just time to be like, let's get
ready to go out, let's play together, blah blah blah,
start transitioning to the game. I see this individual that
I went to coffee with walking towards the front. I'm
(14:59):
just tracking her with my eyes, and as I'm she
gets closer to the front, my whole body is like
having this visceral reaction of like I feel like it's
on fire and everything is sweaty, and I know exactly
what's going to happen. She gets up in front of
the room and so bravely shares that she recently has
(15:23):
been experiencing homosexual thoughts and attractions to other women on
the team, and that she wanted to bring this into
the light so that there can be healing around it,
and kind of like this confession, it felt more like
a confession, and she said and I know I'm not
(15:45):
the only one on the team that is struggling with
this slow glance my way. My eyes go straight to
the floor. I'm staring at my shoes for the next
thirty minutes. And so she goes and sits back down,
and people are applauding her for her bravery. And then
after she sits down, another woman that I think played
(16:06):
for the team maybe three years before, something that she
was a little bit older, had kids, just had been
in chapel that day. She got up and was like
noticeably angry. She was agitated, and her body, her body language,
her fists were clinched, her veins were popping on her neck,
her face was red. She was like, I had some rage,
(16:30):
and she just said, this is unacceptable. This is not
who the Eagles are. We do not do this. You
should be ashamed of yourselves. This is not what our
sisterhood is about. We are godly women, all of that,
But like with the vehemence behind it that you could
just I couldn't look at her. Heather's not the only
(16:56):
one shaken up by this moment. Lydia Vandenburgh had been
on the team for three years. I've dated men and
women at the time, and so hearing this meeting, I
was definitely scared. I thought that they were going to
come after me. It felt like a witch hunt, like okay,
who else has dated women before? It kind of made
me start to think because up until that point, and
it had all been like, oh, we love everyone, but
(17:19):
you know, and it's like, wait, that that's not right,
like you can't that's not you know, unconditional love, like oh,
we love you, but you know, I felt duped almost
like Okay, wait, you've thought differently the whole time, and
this group of people I've trusted and been mentored underneath,
and you know, it's now like they don't love a
certain group of people, you know. So I was really
(17:41):
just angry. All of a sudden everything was coming to
light and I was, Okay, my time is I think
done with this organization. A week after the meeting, the
team is in Atlanta for a game, which is Heather's hometown.
So I'm like so excited to be back in my city.
I knew my folks were going to come to the game,
(18:03):
and so I'm just like I'm excited to be there
and to be away from Charlotte and We're at the
Holiday Inn and it was the morning we went out
for breakfast, did a walk through, and then you go
back to your rooms and just like have your legs
up for a little bit, prepping for the game. And
I get a knock on my door and I opened
it and one of my teammates is standing there and
(18:23):
she asks if we can have a talk. I knew
this teammate was part of the leadership and had been
tasked with bringing this issue to light. I knew exactly
where this is going, like, right, who wouldn't. So she
takes me into the hallway. I remember there being like
an A C unit box at the end of the hallway,
(18:43):
like you know old school hotels. I remember sitting on
the A C box and she was standing in front
of me, and I can't make eye contact. I remember
the things of we know it's you, We know that
you are gay, that you struggle with this, We know
(19:05):
that this is not who you are. What I'm like,
you don't know me. Maybe this is who I am,
maybe this is not. But you've never had a conversation
with me before this moment. You definitely don't know me.
I say nothing. The whole time of course, and she
just says, this is not who you are, This is
(19:29):
not what Christ wants for you, This is not the
vision that God has for your life. This is not
why Jesus died for your sins that you might live
in eternal love, and blah blah blah, all those things.
And at some point I just kind of tune it
out and go to that place, that like deep down
(19:49):
place of like lockdown, of don't cry, don't say anything.
At some point she'll stop talking. She has a Bible.
I think she prays for me. I think I say amen,
and then I go back to my room and just
I cry for the first time. Heather's best friend, Ashley,
(20:11):
was also on the team, and even though she identified
as straight and Christian, she wanted to be there for
her friend. I just remember kind of like this, this
like righteous feeling of like this is not I'm not
going to stand by and be okay with my best
friend being treated and made to feel treated badly or
made to feel like she was feeling in that time. UM,
(20:34):
I still think that I was probably unaware of a
lot of the context that was going on, and and
so um, you know, you say you felt sort of
righteous like, did you do anything? Mm hmm, I don't
know that I did anything. I don't know that I
did that. That's kind of a it's kind of a
(20:56):
tough question. UM. I hope that I supported Heather. UM.
I hope that I made her feel loved and seen
and um cared for. And I think that I I
hope to her it felt like I did something. UM.
(21:18):
I didn't go to captain, I didn't go to a coach.
I didn't go to the g M. I didn't I
didn't go and like stand up for her publicly. I also,
I don't think that's really what she probably wanted at
that time. I don't think that would have made the
situation any better. But if you asked Heather, she'd say
(21:40):
Ashley did more than she knows. During chapel, Ashley and
I always sat right next to each other. We're each
other's safety for different reasons. I could help her navigate
the Bible, and she could help me navigate social relationships.
We were each other's kind of like Booey. She was
already very much liked at the Eagles, me just a
(22:00):
second catchman. She um has always been like my rider
die and she would pick me up and drive me
to practice. Some days, she would make sure I had
someone to pass with. She would um stand next metering prayers.
(22:24):
So because of her, I had like one person um
and that was enough. And when it came to soccer,
the reason why they're all there in the first place. Heather,
who was a four year starter, a scholarship player at
a Division one university, the captain of her last summer team,
(22:46):
and one of the leading goal scorers in her school's history.
She rode the bench. I think I was benched because
I didn't buy into the system. I didn't sing along,
I didn't raise my hands at worship, I didn't share
my testimony. I didn't talking Bible study, I wasn't dating
a male Eagles player, and I was gay. But in
(23:07):
spite of all of that, Heather wasn't ready to give
up soccer. So my perspective was, after all of the
outing and all these conversations finally have been explicit, I
realized I am going to be the gay girl on
the end of the bench and they're not going to
play me. They're they're trying to get me to quit,
(23:30):
you know, on my own. And I thought, I'm not
going to give them that satisfaction. I'm gonna sit here
and they can look at me the whole summer, and
I'm also going to play really hard. And I don't
really know where this came from, because I'm I was
kind of surprised by it, but it was just like,
I'm just gonna hang on. I'm just gonna stay here
one because I'm gonna play soccer and and just get
(23:52):
that joy that I can get out of soccer. I
also want them to have to just deal with my
presence on the team, because what are you gonna do.
Are you gonna kick me off off? Okay, kick me off?
Are you going to put me in like a a
circle and shame me as a group? Are you going
to out me by my name? Like what comes next?
(24:13):
I was not invited back to play for the Eagles,
nor would I have accepted that invitation mutually. Not a
good fit. The Eagles are just one team in a
semi pro league that only plays during the summer. But
it's not just the Eagles. The Fellowship of Christian Athletes
(24:37):
or f c A is a nonprofit that works with
student athletes across the world. If you played sports and
you believed in God, chances are you've heard of them,
and they too believe homosexuality is a sin. I went
on a mission trip with f c A after I
had become a professional athlete and had to sign their
(25:02):
statement of faith, which also included this like purity code,
like I won't drink, I won't do drugs, um, I
won't engage in any sexual relationships, and I won't engage
in homosexual activity. That's Kelsey Davis, Heather's wife, who at
the time was a professional soccer player. Until this moment,
(25:24):
even after being president of f c A at our
high school, Kelsey had no idea the organization believed being
gay was a sin. I wrestled with signing that paper
because that was the community in which I felt like
I could belong and be my fullest self because I
got to be a Christian and an athlete, the two
(25:46):
identities at the time that mattered the most to me,
and so having to sign that paper, I felt like
I was signing a piece of myself away in order
to belong in this group. That's just like, Okay, just
signed the paper because I wanted. I want to belong
here and I want to go on this mission trip.
(26:07):
After that, trip though, because I was a professional athlete
and involved with the CIA, I was invited to write
you know, I think, like a small article or something
for their magazine in your website. And I felt really
convicted that I wasn't being fully transparent with who I was,
and so I ended up the person who had invited
me to write the article coming out again saying, you know,
(26:30):
actually I'm in a relationship with a woman and this
is who I am. And he said, thank you so
much for your honesty and basically, um, we are on
inviting you to write this this article and need to
cut ties. The feeling though that I remember is your
(26:51):
voice is no longer welcome here because of who you
love and who you are. Thank you for being honest
with us about that and relationship. I came into FC
when I was sixteen, when on that mission trip when
I was one, And that's the problem is that you're
welcomed into this community and told that you were loved
(27:12):
by God, that Jesus loves you, that the community loves you,
and so you give your heart and your soul to
this community and then you find out down the road
that it's love. But so what are you supposed to
do with that. It's it's harmful to not be clear upfront.
(27:35):
So then the next step was where can I belong
as a Christian athlete? Is there a faith community? Is
there a Christian community out there that I can be
fully loved in because of this place I thought I
had belonged. UM just said no. F C declined to
(27:57):
participate in this story. As for the Charlotte Eagles, after
Heather's experience, the team added their own player agreement. Now
in players must sign a piece of paper saying they
will not engage in homosexual behavior in order to join
the team. Instead of an unspoken contract, it's written in ink.
(28:24):
When we reached out to the president of the Charlotte Eagles,
we asked why players must sign a team document that
says they will not participate in homosexual behavior. Here is
their response. Players are representatives of Missionary Athletes International m AI.
While they are on the team. Because they represent m
(28:44):
a I, we asked them to abide by our player Agreement,
which outlines organizational conduct policies consistent with God's word. Players
are asked to sign the player Agreement prior to the
start of the season so they understand the ex dictations
of them while playing for the Charlotte Eagles. It was like, Nope,
you're not engaging in premarital sex. You will not engage
(29:07):
in homosexual activities, you will not drink, smoke, long list
of things, and you were abiding by this and it's
a spiritual contract. I'm playing at a very high level
of course I'm gonna sign this. Like you want me
to come play soccer and talk about the board. Yes,
I don't care what what's your piece of paper says, like,
who is your piece of paper to tell me what
my relationship with prices? Like so, um, that was really
(29:27):
crazy to meet. But if I have to sign a
piece of paper, says, I'm not gonna do. It's to
play quality soccer. That's fine with me because you and
me have nothing to do with he not. That was
Chloe McClary small and she's a former Eagles player. She's
now married to a woman and these days she's playing
for a different team. A hundred miles down the road
(29:48):
in Asheville, North Carolina, a city nestled in the Blue
Ridge Mountains, a proverbial blue dot in a red state.
This is a community that loves its people, just as
much as it loves It's It's a Saturday night in June, Pride,
(30:17):
Money and the Asheville City Blues are playing the Charlotte Eagles.
The Eagles are good this season, just like every year.
They're undefeated, and no Asheville City FC team, men's or
women's has ever beaten the Eagles. It's a sold out prayer.
Nobody was sitting there and everybody was on the seat.
(30:40):
The South Fork Blues are screaming their heads on, banging
their drums. The fireworks are going off with screams and
shotts and people jumping up and down as they create
this atmosphere like no other. That was Stacy Enos, one
of Ashville's owners and a member of the very first
US women's national team. She's been married to her wife
(31:01):
for more than twenty years. In fact, the whole team
is owned and coached by gay women and rainbow loving allies. Lydia,
the player who left the Eagles after the witch hunt,
is another owner, and the assistant coaches Heather and Kelsey Davis.
You know what, We're trying to create an environment with
people who feel like they can be here. That's Megan Burke,
(31:22):
another owner. She's a former professional player who now heads
the NWSL Players Union. She's married to Jasmine Beach Ferrara,
a gay pastor with a Harvard Divinity degree who's currently
running for Congress. A beautiful night for soccer in Asheville,
(31:46):
North Carolina. Thanks for joining us, Miss Charlotte. FIDE has
proven that they are a strong team. They've got speed
and athleticism to spare, and they proved it. They're coming
into this confidence, but as Phil is, coming into it
with a little bit of a fire. This is a
game between two different cultures. It's a culture war. But
(32:08):
you're playing in a league that is very open about
their support of gays and gays being in the league.
But then you have a team that says you can't
be gay on our team. Like, it just does not
make sense. It really does not make sense. It really doesn't.
It's a rivalry, it's a Darby, it's whatever label you
want to put on it. But it's palpable, it's tangible.
(32:29):
It puts a knock in your stomach and a lump
in your throat because you want to prove that loath winds.
The fans care in a way you would not expect.
They're beating drums and leading sing alongs. This is a
scene that's hard to find even at the professional level,
and for the players themselves, especially the gay players. Playing
(32:52):
the Eagles is no small thing. Here's Asheville's Crystal Goss.
You take the wanting to win factor and you amplify
that by ten maybe twenty. You know, you've got people
that are basically praying for you to like become a
different person or become someone that you're not. And here's
Asheville's Bianca Knisio. It clicks in the back of your mind,
(33:15):
what are these individuals really thinking about me? Just that
moment the ball goes out of bounds and your head
looks up and you're looking at their bench staring. It
was like, what do they actually think of me as
a human being? What's actually being said behind closed doors
about us? You know, how do you really feel in
your heart? M Kennis Silver is a star forward for Asheville,
but she actually played for Charlotte last season, and she
(33:37):
remembers playing against Asheville on Pride night. Before kickoff, players
from both teams lined up at midfield for the national anthem.
I saw before believe that where all people are treated
as people remember what things they are or whom they love,
we're all more free. The team wore rainbow socks, and
(34:02):
right before kickoff, rainbow colored smoke bombs exploded across a
desk colored sky. That was really tough because I was
wrestling with a lot of things and I was like,
I'm definitely on the wrong side of this right now.
But it wasn't that simple because McKenna also loved her
time on the Eagles. I think up front it's it's
(34:22):
very welcoming, and it's tough now looking back because I
was never upfront about my sexuality while I was there. Ever,
I hadn't. I didn't tell anybody until I came out
in December UM, which was like probably like four or
five months after I had left. And because they didn't
know that aspect about me, it was like, oh, like,
we except to you. We love you, and that's what
I was hoping to go back to. So you you
(34:43):
mean so when you played for the team, everyone was
super accepting and loving because I thought I was straight. Yeah.
McKenna went back to college and she met her girlfriend.
It was a big life change and she wasn't sure
she'd still be welcome on the Eagles. I called the
coach and I asked her straight up. I was like,
(35:03):
I just need you to tell me straight up if
I can come back and play. Can I come back
while I am dating Katie, which is my girlfriend. And
then it kind of got silent for a couple of minutes,
and she was kind of like, well, if it were
up to me, we would try and find a spot
for you on the team. And I mean, I had
(35:23):
my answer at that point, because I knew there was
a butt coming. And she said, but the organization is
pretty clear on what those rules look like. She said,
so we could do a couple of things, or one
of those options was cutting off communication with your girlfriend
and coming here, and then you could revisit things with
her after the summer. And I remember sitting there being
(35:46):
absolutely floored to even hear that request come out of
somebody's mouth, not even for my sake, but for the
sake of this person that I was in that I'm
in a relationship with. After that, I shut the conversation
down pretty quickly because as I knew that I was
I was deeply hurt in that moment. But MCN I
found out home in Ashville and she loves it. It's
(36:08):
just really cool for me. It's to think a year
ago I was in such a dark spot, thinking that,
like I said, I couldn't be out and I couldn't
love Jesus. And yet here I am witnessing and seeing
people in the community and representation, meaning there are outwardly
gay people in the church and in Asheville and all
(36:30):
over the place that are making it work and figuring
it out because it is possible and it's it's the
right thing. Start fast, everyone, everyone wanted to Silber running
(37:07):
towards the middle. Silver has in space touched me into
the box collision and pointing at the spots Silver during
the penalty right now, Piquet, who nashvill City against Charlotte,
goes seventy seven minutes, Andy, what how much that book?
(37:36):
We clows the whistle, the schools City gets to the
begs Baschool left the door lady again in your final
store right, sure r goes here. The Ashville players sprint
(38:03):
to the stands after the final whistle, celebrating with their supporters,
and then they do something else because after every game,
the Eagles always invite the other team into a prayer
circle where they pray for their opponent win or lose.
But at the end of this game, Asheville invited the
Eagles instead, Chloe led the group not vitually. And and
(38:29):
this community has grown me to be who I am today.
Um And it's a community of love. No matter who
you are, where you from, what color your skin is,
your sexual orientation, prol now, what you believe in, who
you got is this is a place that I call home.
It will always call home, no matter what that means
to you. You will always be welcomed in this circle
every time. So we appreciate you. Anyone tectures Hi, who
(39:02):
are you? And as for Gwen's friend Page, it's been
years since she left the Eagles. Page is now married,
she has five kids, and she identifies as queer. I
think several years ago I just realized, like the word
queer actually helps me understand myself a lot. I now
(39:26):
realized that kind of lost like ten years of my
life person, you know, as a human being. But I
had really shut off, just put like a big iron
door on my emotions and feelings and didn't want to
trust those things. I was just gonna live by the
Bible followed Jesus to it. He said, when I just
kind of shut up, like listening to my actual self
and my intuition, my humanity, all that stuff, it just
(39:49):
showed it off. I think it led to a lot
of health problems that just bogged me down. I was so,
I was like, well, I need to be figure out
what it's like to be human, and that's I'm gonna
be Page. I'm gonna be Paige and find out who pages.
And that's going to make me more like Jesus because
I'm going to be more human. I'm gonna be more myself.
And I started feeling myself come back alive, Like I
(40:11):
started just feeling love in my life, and like just
things became more beautiful. Honestly, the conversation around religion and
sexual orientation can sometimes feel limited, like there are only
two options, as if you can be queer and not religious,
or you can be religious and not queer. You've seen
(40:33):
this debate play out for many of the players in
this episode over and over again. And while this episode
has focused on Charlotte, North Carolina and the Fellowship of
Christian Athletes, this is global, but women athletes all over
the world are helping change the narrative. God has always
been with me always. We've been in a relationship for
(40:57):
eight years and we've only told people about our relationship
two years ago. That's Andressa alvez Da Silva. She's a
forward on the Brazilian national team. Religion flows strong through Brazil.
The country has both the largest Catholic population in the
world and rapidly growing evangelical Christian population. About one third
(41:18):
of Brazilians identify as evangelical. And when you're a professional
player and a star of the national team, a lot
is at stake. So in Brazil, we were afraid of
coming out and missing out on campaigns because we were gay.
Big brands, big events, so that was one of the
(41:40):
concerns that we had, so that's why we didn't come out.
And the afraid of any repercussions against our family, things
that happened when you're gay. But we talked about that together, right,
our family was besides us, and we came out. It
was the best thing we did. After that, a relationship
(42:01):
really evolved, and I can see that in a way
that I can help other people that may be afraid
of coming out because they may be afraid of losing
something because they're gay. The fact that a gay player,
gay person didn't take me away from God quiet. On
the contrary, everything I owe all of that to God.
(42:22):
If you go around and keep a secret your whole life,
I think there will always be a part of you
that's like not happy. I felt that myself before I
was open about my sexuality. That's Denmark's Panela Harder. She
is a superstar, one of the top strikers in the world.
In Denmark failed to qualify for the World Cup, but
(42:46):
Panela attended as a fan cheering on her partner, Swedish
footballer Magdalena Ericsson, and after Sweden beat Canada in the
round of sixteen, she kissed Magna in a moment that
went viral. No, I don't think anything's racial, like it
was just natural kiss. I actually didn't even think about
that someone would take a picture of us in that moment.
(43:08):
I think the day after I woke up to like
ten thousand new fans on Instagram and I on Twitter also.
It exploded in Denmarga and Sweden. It's it is quite
accepted to be gay, but there is many areas in
the world where it's not. And I think for places
where it's not accepted. I think a picture like this
(43:31):
means a lot if you look at my career. It
actually after I became a couple with Market that started
to to really explode. And yeah, I think that's a
part of it too, that that I feel free on
and off the pitch. Freedom, freedom to be who you
(43:56):
are and to love who you love. That's the ideal,
I think. To be pushed out because of your sexual preference,
the ripple effect and the downward spiral of mental health
is massively dangerous. And here's what myself and the women
you've heard from want you to know. If your family,
or your team, or your religion doesn't accept you, you
(44:17):
can build your own family, your own team, and your
own religion. Maybe look to Asheville City, a place where
they shoot rainbow colored smoke bombs into the sky and
wave banners that proclaim y'all means all. Join us for
the next episode of Hustle Rule. La Gringer the Alley
(44:38):
Long Story. Hustle Rule is a production of Waffle Iron Entertainment,
(44:59):
Range Media, Partner US Observatory Audio UP Media, and I
Heart Radio. Written and directed by Gwendolyn oxen Um, hosted
by me Hannah wading Um and is based on the
book Under the Lights and in the Dark, written by
Gwendolyn oxen Um. The executive producers are Justin Biskin from
Waffle Iron Entertainment, Bob Alligan from Range Media Partners, and
(45:19):
Seawan Titan from iHeart Radio. Co written by Ruth Hilton,
Produced by Gwendolen oxen Um, Ruth Hilton and Jordana Glick Franzheim.
Co produced by Jimmy Jellinek and Jared Goodstadt, Edited by
Carry Caulfield, Eric sound design and mixing by Jeremiah's Immerman.
Music by Jeff Peters and Bill mart Theme song performed
by a One La Flair. You'll find more podcasts from
(45:41):
iHeart Radio on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or
wherever you get your podcasts. Good Body
We know it's you. We know that you are gay,
we know that this is not who you are. I
thought that they were going to come after me. It
felt like a witch hunt. It was a home to me,
such good friends, and I felt like I was excommunicated.
(00:24):
I didn't know that there was another option. I didn't
know Christians that that I thought it was okay to
be homosexual. I didn't know that it would have been
nice Today. I'm Hannah Waddingham and this is Hustle Rule,
an audio docuseries featuring the untold stories of women's soccer
players around the world, based on the book Under the
(00:45):
Lights and in the Dark, written by Gwendolen. Oxenham ran
full stuff for nobody, no fuon stuff for nobody. I
(01:13):
don't know whether it's just who I am inherently, or
whether it's because I come from theater with a mother
who was a professional opera singer. But I've been surrounded
by gay people since before I can remember. And as
for my own child, I've always brought her up with
a panel of god parents, and two of them are
a gay couple who have been together for twenty five
(01:35):
years and are without doubt the most successful married couple
I know in terms of their companionship and their ethos
for life and how they just support each other. And
so my brain has a really tough time computing why
religion and homosexuality wouldn't be able to get along together.
The judgment that goes on, I just can't fathom what
(01:58):
business it is of anybody's. It's difficult for me to
believe that in today's day and age, there are communities
where gay people are not welcome. But it's something that
I had to confront head on in this episode, and
I'm helping to tell this story because I want people
to know that it isn't a thing of the past. Unfortunately,
it's still very much happening today. The Charlotte Eagles is
(02:25):
a semi pro soccer team in North Carolina. They play
in a summer league called the w PSL, the Women's
Premier Soccer League. It's the highest level women can play
while still maintaining their college eligibility in the US, and
the Eagles aren't some random, middle of the road team
nobody has heard of. The Eagles are the best team
in the South and won the nationwide League championship in
(02:47):
two thousand and one. The team is also an evangelical
Christian organization, which isn't a secret. Every player who goes
there is fully aware that their summer will revolve around
worship and Bible study almost as much as soccer. But
there is one thing that many players didn't know when
they moved to Charlotte. The Eagles is not a welcoming
(03:09):
place if you're gay, whether you love Jesus or not.
This is the story of a team that will only
accept players who identify as straight. It's a story about
the gay players who left that team in pain, and
a story about another team that many of those players
now call home and the rivalry those teams share, culminating
(03:31):
in a game that means more than what ends up
on the school board. This is play away the game.
(03:51):
This episode, I'm handing the mic over to writer and
former player Gwendola Oxenham, who's spoken to former Eagles spanning
over a decade and has been following the team since
she was seventeen nice. This story starts in monta Vallo, Alabama,
(04:12):
where every year the best use soccer players in the
South gathered for six days to compete for a spot
on the Olympic development team. It was here in a
dorm room that I met Page Ledford when we were
fourteen years old. I just remember the essence of you.
I feel like, you know, it's just just like very warm,
(04:32):
like Gwendolin. Thanks were still, I like we're actually talking
to each other now, you know, There's always just been
this easy thing between us. I don't know Page or
her hair down. While she played, this mess of white
hair would fly behind her, giving us all the impression
that she was a wild, fair old child from the sticks,
(04:54):
which wasn't too far from the truth. I grew up
in Udawah, Tennessee, best place ever, it's kind of on
the edge of the Appalachian mountains. She stopped the field
like a hunter in the woods. Deft, smart and strong.
Coaches adored her for the same reason we did. She
fit no mold. She was an only child, born to
(05:14):
two parents who rarely spoke. My parents were very quiet people,
hardly ever talked in the home. They didn't never asked
me questions, and I never asked them questions. They'd send
her off into the woods to play by herself, and
you could see that creativity and self reliance while she played,
and she was as quiet as her parents. We thought
(05:36):
of her as our silent wonder and relished each new
detail that we pulled out of her. She got a
nearly perfect score on our a CT. She was Homecoming Queen,
and she held the clean and jerk weightlifting record for
the state of Tennessee. During the summer after my freshman
year at Duke, Paige and I lived together and played
(05:56):
for a semi protein the Memphis Mercury, which ove around
blasting old pro medicine show and eight peaches from roadside stands.
Midway through the summer, she bought smoke bombs from a
firework stand and for the rest of the summer she
just tossed them out the truck window as we left
the practice field. It's like an entrance, right. I don't
(06:18):
think I felt like that at the moment, but I can.
I can picture it as like fighters, like showing up
to the fighters. The following year at Clemson, Page got
a girlfriend. They came to visit me at Duke. My
normally silent friend was giddy, chatty, boundless, lee happy. Yeah.
(06:39):
I was totally in love with Addie. I thought I
wanted to be with her forever. By two thousand and five,
pages playing for the Charlotte Eagles. So are several of
my other soccer friends who all had girlfriends when I
knew them, now playing for the Eagles, they did not.
This mystified me. What was this conversion therapy via soccer?
(07:00):
What was happening? My four independent, competent, super talented friends
went to play on this team with one feeling in
their hearts and left with another. While I was suspicious
of the Eagles, my friends loved the team. Here's Amanda Martin,
who I also met in Manavallo when we were preteens,
(07:20):
eating granola bars and goldfish in the dorm rooms. She
was a scrappy goalkeeper with green eyes that really bored
into you. I thought it was the best place I've
ever been. To me, it was immediately home. I felt accepted.
I felt like that thing that met so much to me,
(07:41):
which is my faith, like to share that with everybody.
And also, we're really good at soccer, so it's like
to play at that level. And everyday practice was this
high intensity practice and then it would be followed with
like a Bible study. So to me, this was like
the best environment. I loved it. I loved it until
I got kicked off. Amanda played for the team for
(08:05):
three seasons, but in the middle of all of the joy,
worship and soccer, she felt conflicted and confided in her teammates.
I would not say, like I struggle with homosexual desire,
like those words have never fall out of my mouth
like that. But I think I would say in the past,
I've had really close female relationships, and I would never
(08:28):
talk about it like it was in the present. It was,
but I just was hiding, covering a lot of covering
who I really was. And we would pray about it.
Some of my teammates would lay hands on me, and
I would want that to like, you know, pray that
this desire goes away. And for Page, the organization encouraged
(08:49):
her to share her testimony. I guess because of my
story of having a girlfriend and the becoming Christian and
giving that up for for Jesus, like I a special
story that they would like me to tell to other people,
to show the power of Jesus, you know, in your life.
I guess the feeling was at the time was that
(09:09):
God had like freed me from it. And as for Amanda,
after her third season, it's like the off season so
it is let's say spring, it's still kind of cold.
And I get a phone call from our general manager
and he just says, hey, are you available to chat?
I would like to meet with you next week, you know,
(09:32):
on Tuesday. And and I immediately, like was so nervous
that I was like, we need to meet today? What
like today? It is not season, this is not like
a year round thing. It just felt so alarming, and
he said, okay, well, can you, you know, be at
the office at four pm? And I get there and
I'm nervous, like super nervous. He can't even look me
(09:54):
in the eyes. And you know, he's like leading me
back to an office and he's arey uncomfortable and he
just stumbles over his words and he says, I just
wanted to let you know, and I felt like I
needed to tell you this in person, but you are
no longer on this team. You're no longer a part
of this organization. And I blacked out because I at
(10:20):
that point I didn't even know to ask a question
or what question to ask, and it the whole thing
is really shifty, and you know, all he kept saying
was like, we wish you well with your faith, with Christ.
The only thing I know is that there are people
within the organization that know that I've had girlfriends. And
(10:42):
as I was walking out, head held down, like crying,
I just kept apologizing because I felt like I was
in the wrong, you know, I just kept saying, I'm
so sorry, And in my mind, I'm apologizing because I'm gay,
But I don't say that because it's unspoken. We don't
(11:04):
talk about it. Nobody has said, Amanda, there are people
in this organization that have brought your name to us
as someone that you know dates women. I remember I
got in the car and I'm like crying hysterically. I'm embarrassed.
Just gotten kicked off of a summer league team in
the off season in March, I was shunned from a
(11:27):
community that I loved so much. It was such a
home base for me. I felt like I will always
be a part of this organization in some way. I
don't know what it's gonna look like like, you know,
I may not be a player, but maybe I'll be
a coach for the Eagles. And I also felt like
this was my church right so it's like it was
(11:47):
it was a home to me, such good friends, and
I felt like I was excommunicated. So let me take
you to the next season two thousand and eight. There's
a new flock of Eagles. It's a mix of long
timers and fresh faces, and not everybody is prepared for
(12:10):
the religious parts of this team. I remember then getting
my schedule for the Eagles, and I remember the first
thing on there was a Bible study, like first thing
in the next morning. That's how they're dimmer now, Davis.
After the first like three days, it felt like a
preseason of not just soccer, but a preseason of Christianity.
(12:32):
And so you're getting two a days of these Christian
morality lessons and Bible study and worship, and it's all
new and all overwhelming. And so I think after about
the first three days, we looked at each other and
we're wide eyed and took a moment and we're like,
what have we gotten into? And part of that is
(12:53):
because the Eagles aren't just teaching the Bible. They were
evangelical Christians sharing their person journeys in their faith with
each other. Then about a third of the way through
this summer, a teammate invited Heather to coffee. So we went,
we sat outside, we were just kind of chatting about,
you know, the season so far and thoughts and where
(13:14):
we came from. And she was a couple of years
older than me, and she was telling me about her
story and she had some rocky parts of her story
that she shared very openly with me, and so I thought, oh, okay,
we're going to be vulnerable with each other and are
doing that here, And so I met her in that
(13:34):
and she mentioned part of her story being that she's
been with women before um, and I felt a surge
of relief that I'm not the only one here. And
I knew I wasn't the only one, but but this
was the first person to have an open conversation with
me about, as she said, her struggle. I hate that
(13:54):
phrasing of this is my struggle. No, it's not a
struggle that to your identity, honey. She was open with
me about her shruggle and of dating women and liking
being attracted to women, and so I shared with her, Oh,
I've also dated women and I'm currently kind of talking
(14:16):
to somebody on the team, which I was, but very
informally at this point. And then we continued our conversation.
It was not even like a bump in the road.
She didn't bat nye. I don't think she was surprised.
And then we went our separate ways. We hugged gotten
our cars, and then the next day we had a game,
and before the game there's always pregame chapel, so we
(14:38):
do we do chapel, and then the song stop, and
usually when it's just time to be like, let's get
ready to go out, let's play together, blah blah blah,
start transitioning to the game. I see this individual that
I went to coffee with walking towards the front. I'm
(14:59):
just tracking her with my eyes, and as I'm she
gets closer to the front, my whole body is like
having this visceral reaction of like I feel like it's
on fire and everything is sweaty, and I know exactly
what's going to happen. She gets up in front of
the room and so bravely shares that she recently has
(15:23):
been experiencing homosexual thoughts and attractions to other women on
the team, and that she wanted to bring this into
the light so that there can be healing around it,
and kind of like this confession, it felt more like
a confession, and she said and I know I'm not
(15:45):
the only one on the team that is struggling with
this slow glance my way. My eyes go straight to
the floor. I'm staring at my shoes for the next
thirty minutes. And so she goes and sits back down,
and people are applauding her for her bravery. And then
after she sits down, another woman that I think played
(16:06):
for the team maybe three years before, something that she
was a little bit older, had kids, just had been
in chapel that day. She got up and was like
noticeably angry. She was agitated, and her body, her body language,
her fists were clinched, her veins were popping on her neck,
her face was red. She was like, I had some rage,
(16:30):
and she just said, this is unacceptable. This is not
who the Eagles are. We do not do this. You
should be ashamed of yourselves. This is not what our
sisterhood is about. We are godly women, all of that,
But like with the vehemence behind it that you could
just I couldn't look at her. Heather's not the only
(16:56):
one shaken up by this moment. Lydia Vandenburgh had been
on the team for three years. I've dated men and
women at the time, and so hearing this meeting, I
was definitely scared. I thought that they were going to
come after me. It felt like a witch hunt, like okay,
who else has dated women before? It kind of made
me start to think because up until that point, and
it had all been like, oh, we love everyone, but
(17:19):
you know, and it's like, wait, that that's not right,
like you can't that's not you know, unconditional love, like oh,
we love you, but you know, I felt duped almost
like Okay, wait, you've thought differently the whole time, and
this group of people I've trusted and been mentored underneath,
and you know, it's now like they don't love a
certain group of people, you know. So I was really
(17:41):
just angry. All of a sudden everything was coming to
light and I was, Okay, my time is I think
done with this organization. A week after the meeting, the
team is in Atlanta for a game, which is Heather's hometown.
So I'm like so excited to be back in my city.
I knew my folks were going to come to the game,
(18:03):
and so I'm just like I'm excited to be there
and to be away from Charlotte and We're at the
Holiday Inn and it was the morning we went out
for breakfast, did a walk through, and then you go
back to your rooms and just like have your legs
up for a little bit, prepping for the game. And
I get a knock on my door and I opened
it and one of my teammates is standing there and
(18:23):
she asks if we can have a talk. I knew
this teammate was part of the leadership and had been
tasked with bringing this issue to light. I knew exactly
where this is going, like, right, who wouldn't. So she
takes me into the hallway. I remember there being like
an A C unit box at the end of the hallway,
(18:43):
like you know old school hotels. I remember sitting on
the A C box and she was standing in front
of me, and I can't make eye contact. I remember
the things of we know it's you, We know that
you are gay, that you struggle with this, We know
(19:05):
that this is not who you are. What I'm like,
you don't know me. Maybe this is who I am,
maybe this is not. But you've never had a conversation
with me before this moment. You definitely don't know me.
I say nothing. The whole time of course, and she
just says, this is not who you are, This is
(19:29):
not what Christ wants for you, This is not the
vision that God has for your life. This is not
why Jesus died for your sins that you might live
in eternal love, and blah blah blah, all those things.
And at some point I just kind of tune it
out and go to that place, that like deep down
(19:49):
place of like lockdown, of don't cry, don't say anything.
At some point she'll stop talking. She has a Bible.
I think she prays for me. I think I say amen,
and then I go back to my room and just
I cry for the first time. Heather's best friend, Ashley,
(20:11):
was also on the team, and even though she identified
as straight and Christian, she wanted to be there for
her friend. I just remember kind of like this, this
like righteous feeling of like this is not I'm not
going to stand by and be okay with my best
friend being treated and made to feel treated badly or
made to feel like she was feeling in that time. UM,
(20:34):
I still think that I was probably unaware of a
lot of the context that was going on, and and
so um, you know, you say you felt sort of
righteous like, did you do anything? Mm hmm, I don't
know that I did anything. I don't know that I
did that. That's kind of a it's kind of a
(20:56):
tough question. UM. I hope that I supported Heather. UM.
I hope that I made her feel loved and seen
and um cared for. And I think that I I
hope to her it felt like I did something. UM.
(21:18):
I didn't go to captain, I didn't go to a coach.
I didn't go to the g M. I didn't I
didn't go and like stand up for her publicly. I also,
I don't think that's really what she probably wanted at
that time. I don't think that would have made the
situation any better. But if you asked Heather, she'd say
(21:40):
Ashley did more than she knows. During chapel, Ashley and
I always sat right next to each other. We're each
other's safety for different reasons. I could help her navigate
the Bible, and she could help me navigate social relationships.
We were each other's kind of like Booey. She was
already very much liked at the Eagles, me just a
(22:00):
second catchman. She um has always been like my rider
die and she would pick me up and drive me
to practice. Some days, she would make sure I had
someone to pass with. She would um stand next metering prayers.
(22:24):
So because of her, I had like one person um
and that was enough. And when it came to soccer,
the reason why they're all there in the first place. Heather,
who was a four year starter, a scholarship player at
a Division one university, the captain of her last summer team,
(22:46):
and one of the leading goal scorers in her school's history.
She rode the bench. I think I was benched because
I didn't buy into the system. I didn't sing along,
I didn't raise my hands at worship, I didn't share
my testimony. I didn't talking Bible study, I wasn't dating
a male Eagles player, and I was gay. But in
(23:07):
spite of all of that, Heather wasn't ready to give
up soccer. So my perspective was, after all of the
outing and all these conversations finally have been explicit, I
realized I am going to be the gay girl on
the end of the bench and they're not going to
play me. They're they're trying to get me to quit,
(23:30):
you know, on my own. And I thought, I'm not
going to give them that satisfaction. I'm gonna sit here
and they can look at me the whole summer, and
I'm also going to play really hard. And I don't
really know where this came from, because I'm I was
kind of surprised by it, but it was just like,
I'm just gonna hang on. I'm just gonna stay here
one because I'm gonna play soccer and and just get
(23:52):
that joy that I can get out of soccer. I
also want them to have to just deal with my
presence on the team, because what are you gonna do.
Are you gonna kick me off off? Okay, kick me off?
Are you going to put me in like a a
circle and shame me as a group? Are you going
to out me by my name? Like what comes next?
(24:13):
I was not invited back to play for the Eagles,
nor would I have accepted that invitation mutually. Not a
good fit. The Eagles are just one team in a
semi pro league that only plays during the summer. But
it's not just the Eagles. The Fellowship of Christian Athletes
(24:37):
or f c A is a nonprofit that works with
student athletes across the world. If you played sports and
you believed in God, chances are you've heard of them,
and they too believe homosexuality is a sin. I went
on a mission trip with f c A after I
had become a professional athlete and had to sign their
(25:02):
statement of faith, which also included this like purity code,
like I won't drink, I won't do drugs, um, I
won't engage in any sexual relationships, and I won't engage
in homosexual activity. That's Kelsey Davis, Heather's wife, who at
the time was a professional soccer player. Until this moment,
(25:24):
even after being president of f c A at our
high school, Kelsey had no idea the organization believed being
gay was a sin. I wrestled with signing that paper
because that was the community in which I felt like
I could belong and be my fullest self because I
got to be a Christian and an athlete, the two
(25:46):
identities at the time that mattered the most to me,
and so having to sign that paper, I felt like
I was signing a piece of myself away in order
to belong in this group. That's just like, Okay, just
signed the paper because I wanted. I want to belong
here and I want to go on this mission trip.
(26:07):
After that, trip though, because I was a professional athlete
and involved with the CIA, I was invited to write
you know, I think, like a small article or something
for their magazine in your website. And I felt really
convicted that I wasn't being fully transparent with who I was,
and so I ended up the person who had invited
me to write the article coming out again saying, you know,
(26:30):
actually I'm in a relationship with a woman and this
is who I am. And he said, thank you so
much for your honesty and basically, um, we are on
inviting you to write this this article and need to
cut ties. The feeling though that I remember is your
(26:51):
voice is no longer welcome here because of who you
love and who you are. Thank you for being honest
with us about that and relationship. I came into FC
when I was sixteen, when on that mission trip when
I was one, And that's the problem is that you're
welcomed into this community and told that you were loved
(27:12):
by God, that Jesus loves you, that the community loves you,
and so you give your heart and your soul to
this community and then you find out down the road
that it's love. But so what are you supposed to
do with that. It's it's harmful to not be clear upfront.
(27:35):
So then the next step was where can I belong
as a Christian athlete? Is there a faith community? Is
there a Christian community out there that I can be
fully loved in because of this place I thought I
had belonged. UM just said no. F C declined to
(27:57):
participate in this story. As for the Charlotte Eagles, after
Heather's experience, the team added their own player agreement. Now
in players must sign a piece of paper saying they
will not engage in homosexual behavior in order to join
the team. Instead of an unspoken contract, it's written in ink.
(28:24):
When we reached out to the president of the Charlotte Eagles,
we asked why players must sign a team document that
says they will not participate in homosexual behavior. Here is
their response. Players are representatives of Missionary Athletes International m AI.
While they are on the team. Because they represent m
(28:44):
a I, we asked them to abide by our player Agreement,
which outlines organizational conduct policies consistent with God's word. Players
are asked to sign the player Agreement prior to the
start of the season so they understand the ex dictations
of them while playing for the Charlotte Eagles. It was like, Nope,
you're not engaging in premarital sex. You will not engage
(29:07):
in homosexual activities, you will not drink, smoke, long list
of things, and you were abiding by this and it's
a spiritual contract. I'm playing at a very high level
of course I'm gonna sign this. Like you want me
to come play soccer and talk about the board. Yes,
I don't care what what's your piece of paper says, like,
who is your piece of paper to tell me what
my relationship with prices? Like so, um, that was really
(29:27):
crazy to meet. But if I have to sign a
piece of paper, says, I'm not gonna do. It's to
play quality soccer. That's fine with me because you and
me have nothing to do with he not. That was
Chloe McClary small and she's a former Eagles player. She's
now married to a woman and these days she's playing
for a different team. A hundred miles down the road
(29:48):
in Asheville, North Carolina, a city nestled in the Blue
Ridge Mountains, a proverbial blue dot in a red state.
This is a community that loves its people, just as
much as it loves It's It's a Saturday night in June, Pride,
(30:17):
Money and the Asheville City Blues are playing the Charlotte Eagles.
The Eagles are good this season, just like every year.
They're undefeated, and no Asheville City FC team, men's or
women's has ever beaten the Eagles. It's a sold out prayer.
Nobody was sitting there and everybody was on the seat.
(30:40):
The South Fork Blues are screaming their heads on, banging
their drums. The fireworks are going off with screams and
shotts and people jumping up and down as they create
this atmosphere like no other. That was Stacy Enos, one
of Ashville's owners and a member of the very first
US women's national team. She's been married to her wife
(31:01):
for more than twenty years. In fact, the whole team
is owned and coached by gay women and rainbow loving allies. Lydia,
the player who left the Eagles after the witch hunt,
is another owner, and the assistant coaches Heather and Kelsey Davis.
You know what, We're trying to create an environment with
people who feel like they can be here. That's Megan Burke,
(31:22):
another owner. She's a former professional player who now heads
the NWSL Players Union. She's married to Jasmine Beach Ferrara,
a gay pastor with a Harvard Divinity degree who's currently
running for Congress. A beautiful night for soccer in Asheville,
(31:46):
North Carolina. Thanks for joining us, Miss Charlotte. FIDE has
proven that they are a strong team. They've got speed
and athleticism to spare, and they proved it. They're coming
into this confidence, but as Phil is, coming into it
with a little bit of a fire. This is a
game between two different cultures. It's a culture war. But
(32:08):
you're playing in a league that is very open about
their support of gays and gays being in the league.
But then you have a team that says you can't
be gay on our team. Like, it just does not
make sense. It really does not make sense. It really doesn't.
It's a rivalry, it's a Darby, it's whatever label you
want to put on it. But it's palpable, it's tangible.
(32:29):
It puts a knock in your stomach and a lump
in your throat because you want to prove that loath winds.
The fans care in a way you would not expect.
They're beating drums and leading sing alongs. This is a
scene that's hard to find even at the professional level,
and for the players themselves, especially the gay players. Playing
(32:52):
the Eagles is no small thing. Here's Asheville's Crystal Goss.
You take the wanting to win factor and you amplify
that by ten maybe twenty. You know, you've got people
that are basically praying for you to like become a
different person or become someone that you're not. And here's
Asheville's Bianca Knisio. It clicks in the back of your mind,
(33:15):
what are these individuals really thinking about me? Just that
moment the ball goes out of bounds and your head
looks up and you're looking at their bench staring. It
was like, what do they actually think of me as
a human being? What's actually being said behind closed doors
about us? You know, how do you really feel in
your heart? M Kennis Silver is a star forward for Asheville,
but she actually played for Charlotte last season, and she
(33:37):
remembers playing against Asheville on Pride night. Before kickoff, players
from both teams lined up at midfield for the national anthem.
I saw before believe that where all people are treated
as people remember what things they are or whom they love,
we're all more free. The team wore rainbow socks, and
(34:02):
right before kickoff, rainbow colored smoke bombs exploded across a
desk colored sky. That was really tough because I was
wrestling with a lot of things and I was like,
I'm definitely on the wrong side of this right now.
But it wasn't that simple because McKenna also loved her
time on the Eagles. I think up front it's it's
(34:22):
very welcoming, and it's tough now looking back because I
was never upfront about my sexuality while I was there. Ever,
I hadn't. I didn't tell anybody until I came out
in December UM, which was like probably like four or
five months after I had left. And because they didn't
know that aspect about me, it was like, oh, like,
we except to you. We love you, and that's what
I was hoping to go back to. So you you
(34:43):
mean so when you played for the team, everyone was
super accepting and loving because I thought I was straight. Yeah.
McKenna went back to college and she met her girlfriend.
It was a big life change and she wasn't sure
she'd still be welcome on the Eagles. I called the
coach and I asked her straight up. I was like,
(35:03):
I just need you to tell me straight up if
I can come back and play. Can I come back
while I am dating Katie, which is my girlfriend. And
then it kind of got silent for a couple of minutes,
and she was kind of like, well, if it were
up to me, we would try and find a spot
for you on the team. And I mean, I had
(35:23):
my answer at that point, because I knew there was
a butt coming. And she said, but the organization is
pretty clear on what those rules look like. She said,
so we could do a couple of things, or one
of those options was cutting off communication with your girlfriend
and coming here, and then you could revisit things with
her after the summer. And I remember sitting there being
(35:46):
absolutely floored to even hear that request come out of
somebody's mouth, not even for my sake, but for the
sake of this person that I was in that I'm
in a relationship with. After that, I shut the conversation
down pretty quickly because as I knew that I was
I was deeply hurt in that moment. But MCN I
found out home in Ashville and she loves it. It's
(36:08):
just really cool for me. It's to think a year
ago I was in such a dark spot, thinking that,
like I said, I couldn't be out and I couldn't
love Jesus. And yet here I am witnessing and seeing
people in the community and representation, meaning there are outwardly
gay people in the church and in Asheville and all
(36:30):
over the place that are making it work and figuring
it out because it is possible and it's it's the
right thing. Start fast, everyone, everyone wanted to Silber running
(37:07):
towards the middle. Silver has in space touched me into
the box collision and pointing at the spots Silver during
the penalty right now, Piquet, who nashvill City against Charlotte,
goes seventy seven minutes, Andy, what how much that book?
(37:36):
We clows the whistle, the schools City gets to the
begs Baschool left the door lady again in your final
store right, sure r goes here. The Ashville players sprint
(38:03):
to the stands after the final whistle, celebrating with their supporters,
and then they do something else because after every game,
the Eagles always invite the other team into a prayer
circle where they pray for their opponent win or lose.
But at the end of this game, Asheville invited the
Eagles instead, Chloe led the group not vitually. And and
(38:29):
this community has grown me to be who I am today.
Um And it's a community of love. No matter who
you are, where you from, what color your skin is,
your sexual orientation, prol now, what you believe in, who
you got is this is a place that I call home.
It will always call home, no matter what that means
to you. You will always be welcomed in this circle
every time. So we appreciate you. Anyone tectures Hi, who
(39:02):
are you? And as for Gwen's friend Page, it's been
years since she left the Eagles. Page is now married,
she has five kids, and she identifies as queer. I
think several years ago I just realized, like the word
queer actually helps me understand myself a lot. I now
(39:26):
realized that kind of lost like ten years of my
life person, you know, as a human being. But I
had really shut off, just put like a big iron
door on my emotions and feelings and didn't want to
trust those things. I was just gonna live by the
Bible followed Jesus to it. He said, when I just
kind of shut up, like listening to my actual self
and my intuition, my humanity, all that stuff, it just
(39:49):
showed it off. I think it led to a lot
of health problems that just bogged me down. I was so,
I was like, well, I need to be figure out
what it's like to be human, and that's I'm gonna
be Page. I'm gonna be Paige and find out who pages.
And that's going to make me more like Jesus because
I'm going to be more human. I'm gonna be more myself.
And I started feeling myself come back alive, Like I
(40:11):
started just feeling love in my life, and like just
things became more beautiful. Honestly, the conversation around religion and
sexual orientation can sometimes feel limited, like there are only
two options, as if you can be queer and not religious,
or you can be religious and not queer. You've seen
(40:33):
this debate play out for many of the players in
this episode over and over again. And while this episode
has focused on Charlotte, North Carolina and the Fellowship of
Christian Athletes, this is global, but women athletes all over
the world are helping change the narrative. God has always
been with me always. We've been in a relationship for
(40:57):
eight years and we've only told people about our relationship
two years ago. That's Andressa alvez Da Silva. She's a
forward on the Brazilian national team. Religion flows strong through Brazil.
The country has both the largest Catholic population in the
world and rapidly growing evangelical Christian population. About one third
(41:18):
of Brazilians identify as evangelical. And when you're a professional
player and a star of the national team, a lot
is at stake. So in Brazil, we were afraid of
coming out and missing out on campaigns because we were gay.
Big brands, big events, so that was one of the
(41:40):
concerns that we had, so that's why we didn't come out.
And the afraid of any repercussions against our family, things
that happened when you're gay. But we talked about that together, right,
our family was besides us, and we came out. It
was the best thing we did. After that, a relationship
(42:01):
really evolved, and I can see that in a way
that I can help other people that may be afraid
of coming out because they may be afraid of losing
something because they're gay. The fact that a gay player,
gay person didn't take me away from God quiet. On
the contrary, everything I owe all of that to God.
(42:22):
If you go around and keep a secret your whole life,
I think there will always be a part of you
that's like not happy. I felt that myself before I
was open about my sexuality. That's Denmark's Panela Harder. She
is a superstar, one of the top strikers in the world.
In Denmark failed to qualify for the World Cup, but
(42:46):
Panela attended as a fan cheering on her partner, Swedish
footballer Magdalena Ericsson, and after Sweden beat Canada in the
round of sixteen, she kissed Magna in a moment that
went viral. No, I don't think anything's racial, like it
was just natural kiss. I actually didn't even think about
that someone would take a picture of us in that moment.
(43:08):
I think the day after I woke up to like
ten thousand new fans on Instagram and I on Twitter also.
It exploded in Denmarga and Sweden. It's it is quite
accepted to be gay, but there is many areas in
the world where it's not. And I think for places
where it's not accepted. I think a picture like this
(43:31):
means a lot if you look at my career. It
actually after I became a couple with Market that started
to to really explode. And yeah, I think that's a
part of it too, that that I feel free on
and off the pitch. Freedom, freedom to be who you
(43:56):
are and to love who you love. That's the ideal,
I think. To be pushed out because of your sexual preference,
the ripple effect and the downward spiral of mental health
is massively dangerous. And here's what myself and the women
you've heard from want you to know. If your family,
or your team, or your religion doesn't accept you, you
(44:17):
can build your own family, your own team, and your
own religion. Maybe look to Asheville City, a place where
they shoot rainbow colored smoke bombs into the sky and
wave banners that proclaim y'all means all. Join us for
the next episode of Hustle Rule. La Gringer the Alley
(44:38):
Long Story. Hustle Rule is a production of Waffle Iron Entertainment,
(44:59):
Range Media, Partner US Observatory Audio UP Media, and I
Heart Radio. Written and directed by Gwendolyn oxen Um, hosted
by me Hannah wading Um and is based on the
book Under the Lights and in the Dark, written by
Gwendolyn oxen Um. The executive producers are Justin Biskin from
Waffle Iron Entertainment, Bob Alligan from Range Media Partners, and
(45:19):
Seawan Titan from iHeart Radio. Co written by Ruth Hilton,
Produced by Gwendolen oxen Um, Ruth Hilton and Jordana Glick Franzheim.
Co produced by Jimmy Jellinek and Jared Goodstadt, Edited by
Carry Caulfield, Eric sound design and mixing by Jeremiah's Immerman.
Music by Jeff Peters and Bill mart Theme song performed
by a One La Flair. You'll find more podcasts from
(45:41):
iHeart Radio on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or
wherever you get your podcasts. Good Body
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