June 5, 2024 • 44 mins
Jennie is joined by her ex-husband and co-parenting partner, actor Peter Facinelli in part 1 of this special episode. Together for the first time, in an intimate conversation, they discuss how they navigated through divorce, transitioned to being co-parents for their three children, and reflect on how they handled things through that time.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hello,
Welcome to the I Choose Me Podcast. This podcast is
all about the choices we make and where they lead us.
Sometimes life brings you scenarios that we never anticipate, like
(00:23):
co parenting after a divorce. When you become a parent,
you don't think how will I approach parenting if my
relationship falls apart. You only start to think about co
parenting when you are forced to because it's now your
new reality. Co Parenting can be really frustrating, and it
can leave you feeling lonely and defeated. But on the
(00:45):
other hand, it can be collaborative and rewarding if everyone
is working together. Today I am joined by someone whom
I was married to. He's the father of my three
girls and someone I will be co parenting with for
the rest of my life. We have never sat down
(01:06):
together and talked about our divorce or our journey to
co parenting. So maybe I'm a little nervous and I'm
kind of excited about this conversation. Welcome Peter Facchinelli to
the I Choose Me Podcast. This is wild you here?
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Yeah. In the I Choose Therapy, A therapy session if
it does.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
Now that you bring it on this couch, starting to
get a little sweaty under my pitt. Yeah, this is
wild because we haven't really sat down and had a conversation.
It's certainly not a public conversation about anything, you know,
regarding our marriage or divorce or co parenting. So this
is Yeah, this is a very big step for us.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
I think it'll be good. Let's just say this. Uh,
start always saying I feel really blessed that we have
such wonderful kids, and then we're you know, through the
other side of it. I mean, our youngest is seventeen,
which she'll be eighteen in a few months, and you know,
parenting's hard. It's really hard.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Yeah, you were just twenty one years old when you
had a baby.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
Yeah, I was a baby having a baby, that is I.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
Mean we didn't really understand back then how young that
was to become a parent. But now looking back and
seeing our own twenty one year old, can you imagine
her having a daughter?
Speaker 2 (02:31):
Like, no, how did that? I pray every day, I'm like, please,
don't I don't have a baby, y, I know, because
you know, you need had a little bit of wisdom
and a little bit of knowledge at that age. At
twenty one, you were a year older, so you weren't
that much older twenty two, but you had you've been
working since you were fifteen in the business. So you know,
I literally just landed in La I moved here, and
(02:55):
six months later I was having a baby. So you know,
that was that was that wasn't planned obviously. Uh. But uh,
you know, we we we lasted a long time and
we did for for Hollywood years and uh and we
we yeah, here we are.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
We had a good run.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
We had a we had a very good run. And
uh and even when we were apart, you know, we
had to we had to work together a lot of
times at a lot of times. It wasn't easy. Uh,
you know, for either one of us. I think I
think that really stems, you know, looking back on it,
is I felt like we were two parents that cared
(03:37):
a lot, and so whatever friction came up was because
we really did care about the about our children. You know,
there's some parents that they're just like, I don't care.
You know, you deal with it, or I don't care.
I'll deal with it, and they're busy. But we both
really you know, cared passionately about our kids and really
wanted the best for them, and sometimes, you know, our
(04:01):
ideologies would would not mesh. But somehow we worked it
out and we have really good kids. Yeah. Whatever we did,
whether it was right or wrong, like, they grew up
to be wonderful kids. Yeah, and I feel very fortunate.
I know.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
Let's just go back to the beginning, though, because when
when we first decided to break up, you know, separate
the divorce everything, we settled on shared custody. I think
that you know, a lot of the listeners out there
are either they're going through a divorce with kids and
(04:42):
entering into the next step of co parenting with their ex,
or you know, people just want to know how to
handle this situation because you don't ever really think when
you get together, when you first start a relationship with somebody,
who don't think about what are we going to do
if this doesn't work out? Like how am I going
to co parent with the person? So we settled on
(05:03):
shared custody fifty to fifty. I know, for me, there
were times when I really emotionally regretted that decision or
not fighting harder for more, But at the same time,
I knew that having them be fifty percent of their
time with you their father was absolutely the best thing
(05:27):
for them. And whatever I was dealing with, you know,
that part of me that wanted to have them more
was just me being selfish and thinking about myself because
it hurt so bad when they would leave. How was
it for you when that fifty to fifty deal came up?
Speaker 2 (05:50):
I mean it was I mean it was always hard.
I think listen. Co parenting is hard, Divorce is hard.
I didn't have a model for it. My parents were.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
We were flying.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
Yeah, so I mean married to twenty one, we were
together what ten years?
Speaker 1 (06:08):
Eleven years I think married.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
I mean we were together for five then we got
married after five. Luca was you know, was our flower girl,
So that's ten five and then I think she was
like twelve.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
We were married in two thousand and one, divorced in
twenty twelve, so that's.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
Like eleven years plus plus five fifteen sixteen years. That's
that's a long run. And we had three kids, and
you know, it broke my heart to break up a family,
you know, And it was one of those decisions that
was like you never know if you're making the right decision.
But you know, we made the decision, and then it
(06:52):
was all about trying to find a balance and picking
up the kids and knowing that they were going to
miss you for the week and then dropping off knowing
they were going to miss me for a week. Is
it's it's hard. I think they were young. They were
well there were Luca was twelve or thirteen, and Lola
was like eight or nine. Six No, I think she
was like eighty eight or because she was sick when
(07:16):
she was six, remember.
Speaker 1 (07:17):
And Fiona must have been like she was like four.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
Yeah, so you know, not easy at all. Yeah, certainly
I wish I had, you know, I wish I could
look back and say, here's the way to do it,
But I still don't know like the best way. If
if it was like, should we have done two weeks apart,
but then that feels even longer. I know, sometimes we
try that, you know, in the summers, we'd be like, well,
(07:42):
maybe two weeks with you, two weeks with me, and
that would be you know, too long, and so I
don't know, Look, it's a tough thing. I also felt like,
you know, for the kids, they'd always like pack a
bag and come to my house and then pack a
bag and then go to your house. And I always
felt like they were like, uh, I feel like they
(08:03):
were visiting me and maybe choosing a home, like your
house is like the home house, and you know, there's
a lot of feelings of like, well is my house
the house they come visit? Is your house to come
the house they visit? You know, like where is their home? Uh?
Some some parents will get what they call nesting and
they'll get one house and the parents, you know, move
(08:26):
back and forth. And we talked about that, I think
for a split second. But you know then you're it's
it's hard. You're you know, you break up with somebody,
you're not a relationship with them, and you still have
to see them all the time. You still have to
you know, work with them. You're you're you know, you're
you're making decisions together and and and that's not always easy,
(08:50):
especially when you know sometimes the decisions aren't something you
know that that you both agree on, you know, And
I think that was that was hard on both of
us because then where's the compromise, you know, like how
do you compromise? And in some way we found our
way through it, and it wasn't always fun. It wasn't
always pleasant, but like I said that, our kids are
(09:12):
you know, on the other side of it, our kids
turned out really wonderful, and I feel like they needed
both of us. You know, they really did a benefit
from having both of us. And I always felt that
like if you're if the parents are okay, then the
kids will be okay. You know. So like like when
if we were had tension, I feel like the kids
(09:34):
felt it. So I was always trying to keep that
away from them. You know. It wasn't always successful, but
like when we're in agreement, that always felt like, you know,
even if they weren't in agreement with our decision, there
was a there was a power dynamic that mom and
dad are coming together on this issue. That that was
that felt you know, unified and felt good. You know.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
Do you recall any times when the girls pitted us
against one another?
Speaker 2 (10:03):
I mean I recall, like with our youngest when there
were times when we were both unified and something. We
both sat down with her and she was like she
hated that. She was like, this isn't how it works,
because she liked being able to kind of pit us
against each other where you know in some ways she'll
still do it now in some ways where she'll you know,
(10:25):
come to my house and it'll be great, and then
I'll hear from like our middle daughter Lola, that she'll
say something like, oh, well, she said she was kind
of sad and depressed, and I'm like, why would she
say that? We had a great week together? And then
you'll hear she was kind of sad and depressed, but
it's really because she wanted to go to a party,
and she's kind of playing you, you know, to go
to this party.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
I think a lot more than yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
Yeah. So you know, it's hard because it's like they do,
they do play play us against each other. And I
think that where we could have done better or I
could have done better, probably is communicating more, you know,
because we spend a lot of time texting back and forth,
and the textings.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
So many texts.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
Was like, you know, there's a key and Peel skit.
I don't know if you ever saw it, but like
you know, in the skit, they'll be like, hey, I'm
coming over and the other person will be like whatever,
and I'll be like whatever.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
Oh yes, yes, And so you can really read it,
really can.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
Read into he didn't put a period there? Or why
is it? And caps when my phone just like, really.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
I know how you talk so well, like I understand
our kidence together and even our sense of humor. So
I hear you when I read the text most of
the times.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
But I think that's dangerous too though, sometimes because sometimes
I might be meaning it a completely different way, and
you too, like and I think, listen, we haven't really
spoken a lot about life about stuff in years, so
I honestly don't know me. I don't know, and I
don't think you know me. And yet it's like when
(12:03):
you go home and you're with like your mom or
your dad or you know, your your sisters, and they
just treat you like you're sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, like you
know the time they saw you last, when you were younger,
And so there's this feeling of like, oh, I know
her because we were together for so long, but you've
grown into this mature, wonderful adult woman and I've grown
(12:28):
and so you know, but when we look at each other,
we still look at each other like the twenty one,
twenty two year old version of each other. So like
that becomes dangerous, you know, because we're always kind of
reading into things or looking at things, and I think
that if we were, you know, And it's hard because
there's a lot of well, if I get into if
I jump on the phone, I don't want to get
(12:49):
into an argument. I don't want to it the room
my day. I don't want to. So you end up
texting back and forth thinking that you're, you know, trying
not to get but then you end up arguing back
and forth on a text. There's a lot of wasted
time and energy.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
We wasted so much time trying to prove our points
to one another, and I think one must regret that.
Speaker 2 (13:09):
When we when we got together and we ever talked
it through, it was like, oh, she's not really attacking me.
You know.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
I want to ask you just because this is a
huge deal when you break up with your family and
then you have the kids every other week, and our
kids were little, so they it was full time. I
remember we lived up north at that time. I had
moved up there because you were traveling a lot for work,
and you had to actually rent a house up there
(13:41):
for your off weeks. Do you remember that.
Speaker 2 (13:44):
I don't even remember that.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
You don't remember renting that house up that beautiful house
with the view, and you literally never stayed in it.
Probably why I don't remember it, because the girls didn't
want to go to it.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
I don't remember it.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
Oh my god, I remember.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
I think I remember what I remember. We had an
r V and so I spent I would. I would
stay in the r V when I went up there.
I don't remember a house.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
I remember the RV. That's where we broke up. Yeah,
that's the RV's where you told me it was over.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
I think in the r V.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
In the RV, that's why we sold that RV. Well, yeah,
for me, glad you don't remember. But how did you, like,
because you were in pain and healing in your own
way from a breakup, how did you do that when
you with the kids, when you had the kids or
when you didn't.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
I mean I when I had the kids, I just
made it about them, right, you know? And I think
that's was me trying to shield it from them, like
I'm okay, you know what I mean? Because look, I
think that there's no manual for for for parenting, you
know what I mean? And that's it's really hard you
get you have a kid. I'm twenty one years old
and you're like, well, what do I do? You know,
(14:57):
so you just look at what like your parents did.
And like my my mom, I never knew if she
was happy or sad or you know, she didn't really
show her emotions. She kind of just made it about me,
you know what I mean, like how was my day?
And so she was always like a rock. And so
I kind of tried to model that for the kids.
(15:17):
And you're more of like, hey, it's okay for the
kids to see emotions, yeah, show you know, And I
think that's part of your upbringing. So like that's I.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Think one of the biggest differences in our parenting styles.
And I knew that early on. I remember going to
your house in Queens and Noni Bruna your mom. I
remember it was so much energy, the Italian dinners in
the family, and I was not used to that. I
come from a really quiet family, and I remember just
being over. I was pregnant also so feeling those like
(15:49):
we weren't married and it was in this Catholic home,
like the illegitimate baby mama, like it felt very weird.
So I remember there was one point when I just
couldn't hold it anymore. My emotions came out, and I
remember NONI come back to the girls room where we
would stay, and she was like, it's okay, don't cry.
Don't cry, like she said, don't cry, don't cry, And
for me, I was like, what do you mean don't cry?
Like I have to cry to get this out. So
(16:11):
you're like that difference in our upbringing was so apparent,
and it really did cross over into our parenting styles
because you are much more what's the word, when you're
not as emotional, not that you're not emotional, but like
you're much more.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
I try to stay stronger so that my whatever I'm
going through doesn't affect them. And so when they came
over to the house, it was more about how they're feeling,
you know what I mean. So it wasn't like I
was suppressing their feelings. It was more of me not
you know, showing them how happy, you know, sad about
them not being there.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
I really tried to do that. You know, you you.
Speaker 2 (16:48):
Always yeah, but it's your you know how you were raised,
you know what I mean. I think that, like I said,
they kind of benefited from both. You know. They looked
at it and it was like it's okay to express
emotions and it's okay to be wrong, you know. I
mean we had also I felt like sometimes we differed
in and like parenting in the sense that, you know,
(17:10):
when I saw the kids uncomfortable about something, I looked
at it as an opportunity for them to grow through it, right,
And you still do. We still deal with this because
you hate when they're uncomfortable. You just want to make
them feel good all the time and hug them and
love them. And that's a beautiful trait. And and so
we would clash on that because I'm like, you know,
when we were together, I remember it was a little
(17:32):
easier because, like, you know, we're trying to it's just
easy when you're together and you're just supporting each other.
And there were times when our youngest, our oldest, Luca,
you know, it's five, and you say she's not making
any friends. You got to go help her make friends.
I go over. I'd be like, hey, this is Luca Belli.
You know you need to you should be friends with her.
And so and then as she got older, it was
(17:53):
like she didn't develop the skill set to like make
friends because I was the one making friends for us.
So like you know, when I was younger, it was
more of an approach of with my parents of like
letting me fall and then you know, letting me get
up and if they needed me, you know, if they
if I really needed them, they were there. But they
let me, you know, grow through things, you know what
(18:16):
I mean. And you had a mom and dad who
just there all the time celebrating you, and like, I
always loved it. I think we had two extremes, you know,
our upbringings. Our brains were like I could have used
a little bit of more of the parent to love nursing.
And like, you know, I had my first job. I
was twelve years old. I was a paper boy. I
(18:37):
was like delivering papers to the neighborhood and I worked
seven days a week, you know what I mean. So
like having a job is what I knew at an
early age. I wanted to instill let my kids and like,
you know, if they were uncomfortable out things, and you
would call me and be like, well, so and so
is bothering them at school, and I'd be like, let's
give them tools to like, you know, get through it.
(18:58):
And you're you know, it's not something wrong, it's just
your ideology is more like, let's let's fix it for them,
Let's help them, you know, in the sense of making
this space comfortable for them so they can grow, you know.
So I think we still deal with that sometimes, you know.
(19:19):
But again I think that there's two having the two
parenting styles somehow works because we have such incredible children.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
What does co parenting mean to you, like in general?
Speaker 2 (19:40):
Like, I mean, it's tough.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
What does it take?
Speaker 2 (19:43):
Yeah, it takes. It takes patience, It takes it takes
a lot of and again we could have been better
at it, and I still try to be better at it.
A lot of trying to understand where the other it's
coming from, because I think when we had a passion
for something, you know, about something our kids were going through,
(20:07):
and we understood, you know, where you were coming from
and where I was coming from, even if we didn't
agree on the you know, end result of it, there
was a compassion there that that I think helped us
through it, you know what I mean. So it takes compassion,
it takes understanding, it takes I think also when you're divorced,
(20:31):
there's a feeling of am I a good parent? Maybe
the other person's a better parent, and it flips flops.
I feel like you feel that way too, I'm not wrong,
like and wanting to the other parent of go, hey,
I'm a good parent too, and so you're always trying
to prove to the other parent, know I'm I'm Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:49):
There was a lot of that for us, because I
would send them to you and I would think they
weren't being taken care of well enough or to my
standards or whatever it was. But then just I would
have to step back from that because like you were
doing the best you could and giving them all the
things that you knew to give them.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Yeah, Like it was hard because when I drop them
off to your house, I'm like, they're with their mom
and I know they're safe and they're comfortable and if
they need me, I'm here. And I think in the beginning,
a lot of it was like are you picking up
Fiona at school? Are you are you feeding her this?
And so there was a lot of like safeguard and
I was like, I got it, I got it covered,
don't worry.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
I think that's what led us to I remember there
was a point for us when you, in one of
our many texts exchange, you said leave me alone. I'll
do it my way, you do it your way. And
those were points where we would just reach a point
where we couldn't communicate anymore. Those walls you know, we're up.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Well, it's hard when I'm trying to parent and like
I feel like I'm always being looked over, like I'm
not doing it well or not doing it right, you know,
And it's like I need to be able to have
the space to parent my own way. And then you know,
we have to come together on obviously certain terms of
certain rules and stuff. And it always helped when we
(22:07):
had the same rules in the same house. So it
wasn't like here's chocolate and candy, you know what I mean.
But it wasn't that. It was just always like I
think you were a little nervous that I was going
to be late, or I was gonna pick up Fiona
on time, or do you know, don't forget you has
soccer or don't forget And I was like, I have
the calendar, I've got it.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
You know.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
There's a lot of uh.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
Yeah, then you were text me like ten minutes before going,
wait where do I go?
Speaker 2 (22:30):
Yeah? Sometimes, but yeah, it takes listen again, when you
break up with someone and then you still have this immense,
tremendous responsibility with them. It's you have to put everything
aside to like to work together. And there's still a
lot of pain there in the relationship not working out.
(22:53):
A lot of feeling like if you failed the kids,
or you know, we failed the kids in some way,
and a lot of feelings of like, you know, my
way is right, your way is wrong, your way is right,
my way is wrong, and so like. But waiting through
all of that and going, well, what's best for them,
(23:15):
you know, not not what makes me feel like a
good parent or feels you feel like a good parent,
What's what's really best for them? And and and it's hard,
but it's like, I think what we were good a
is we loved our kids so much, you know that
we were somehow able to like get to a point
where you know, even if we didn't agree, they were okay.
(23:38):
You know. I also think kids are resilient. They're very
resilient in the sense that we felt like, well, if
I lose this point, they're gonna be messed up for life,
or you know, if I give in on this, and
and and they go to this school and you want
them to go to that school that they're gonna their
(23:58):
whole life is gonna be, and it's not. I think
that they're going to have their lessons in that whatever
they're going through, and they're going to grow from that experience.
And so I never looked at it like, well, maybe
if they went here and they didn't go there, they'd
end up differently because they have a way of ending
it where they're supposed to be.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
Always that's how life works. Yes, But I think that
when you are a child of divorce, your younger years
are so much more challenging. There's just so much more
going on in your head and your heart, you know,
conflict and questions and being uncertain, you know. I think
that there's so much that they have to process, and
(24:38):
that I mean for most people that I've talked to,
if you're a child of divorce, that's something that is
in you for the rest of your life. It's so
when you say I think kids are resilient, I agree
with you on some level, But I also think that I.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
Think that goes back to our ideologies because like I
think that that uncomfortableness that they carry made them strong
to be who they are.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
I'm not arguing that, No, absolutely, I agree with you.
I think every challenge that we all go through takes
us to the next step, to the next step, to
the next step of our evolution and are growing And
I think that. But I think that when kids are
put in the position of being children of divorce, you're
adding in something that they didn't create. So their natural
(25:26):
like story, life journey takes the left turn or right turn.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Yeah, but I'm big on the story of it all
because like, whatever story you create for them is the
story they're going to believe. And I always felt that
what maybe we could have done better is creating a
universal story of that would have been more beneficial to them. Like,
like I'll give you an example. My dad works seven
(25:53):
days a week. You know, I didn't see him Monday
through Friday at all. He left in the morning at
nine am. I went to school at six at seven am,
so I went to school before he woke up. And
then he would come home at two am, so I
didn't see him. And on Saturdays he worked, so I
saw him in the mornings and then I saw him
(26:14):
on Sunday. That's all that's I saw. So I saw
my dad one day week. And if I had a
mom who was just like, your dad's never here, he's
never around. I'm doing everything around here, I would have
hated my dad. But I had a mom who was
always like, your dad's working so hard for us, your
dad's putting food on the table. Your dad, you know,
work hard, because your dad works hard, and you got
(26:36):
you know, he's going to be proud of you. And
and so this tape that I was hearing, my dad
was a superhero to me. And I never was angry
at him for not being around. I looked at him
as as this role model of like somebody who like
gave up a lot for his family. And I feel like,
you know, so that the tape we play for our
kids of like, you know, a lot of times we
(27:01):
would villainize each other, you know, and and it would
just be there, not in the sense that we've villainize
each other in front of our kids, but like they
could tell if there's tension there or like you're in
a disagreement with me, or I'm in disagreement with you,
and they feel it, and like you know, his mom, right,
and then you're putting them in a position. We're putting
them in positions to like choose sides and so like, yes,
(27:22):
there's a something they carry, and I don't come from
divorced parents, so I don't know what that would be.
But I always felt like if you and I stayed unified,
if you and I could could get along, if you
and I, you know, could work together, and they saw
(27:44):
that there was still love there, you know, and even
though we weren't in this relationship, that they could walk
away going you know, with the story of mom and
dad are still in each in our corners. Maybe they're
not together, but they're in our corners, and and then
they would grow from a more positive experience out of
it instead of like is bad.
Speaker 1 (28:06):
I agree with you. I do agree with you. I
think that we're talking about two different things that I
think we're talking about the psychological impact of a divorce
on a young child and how it progresses to the
rest of our life. And I think we're also talking
about the story or trying to model for your kids.
And I think that what you're saying is absolutely true. Actually,
(28:30):
it was making me a little feel a little emotional
while you were talking about that, because I know I
could have been better about that, and I know, you know,
I could have been better about that, and that's hard
for me because I did my best, but sometimes my
best wasn't the best, you know, and I acknowledge that,
(28:50):
and like it pains me now to see that that
I created something there for us to deal with, for
them to deal with because of my just my pain
or whatever it was. Like I said, we haven't really
talked about.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
Anything, but here's the thing, like even though you might
have felt that, and you feel that now and like
you know, yeah, we went through that, Like I know that.
Our daughter Lola today was like I'm so I'm so
excited for your mom to talk about because they're because
they know that. You know, our kids really like I mean,
(29:26):
knock on wood, they're they're just so incredible, you know
what I mean. Like I'm so proud of them. They're
so smart, they're so like our daughter's twenty and like
she doesn't even like to like drink, she doesn't go
out partying. She's like very like focused on what she
wants out of life. Like I mean, I didn't have
it all together at twenty, you know what I mean.
The way our kids have it together, and our oldest
(29:48):
daughter too, you know, is. You know, she went off
to New York at twenty three or twenty four and
on her own, you know, got an apartment on our own,
got a job on her own, and was able to
like you know, be autonomous and like we were always
there for her, but she didn't, you know, she was
able to take care of herself and to this day
(30:10):
still is. And like I look at that and I'm like, well,
we most have done something right, because you know, a
lot of kids today, if they grow up and they're
too reliant on their parents, they don't leave the house
till live thirty. You know. I know a lot of
friends whose kids are just like still kind of kicking around,
not knowing partying or you know, getting into drugs or like,
(30:34):
we were really blessed with our kids that they they
just grew up so wonderful. And I think it. You know,
I can't. I can't sit here and say we did
a terrible job when our kids are so good, because
I really think that, you know, whatever happened, you know, yes,
there were things we could have dealt with better on
(30:57):
both ends, but like they really benefited from from both
both worlds. You know, I think, I think when you're
co parenting too, if you got if if they're parents
out there that are getting divorced, if they could put
you know, I was going to ask you all of
that pain aside and and the differences aside, and try
(31:18):
to keep the front unified and get on the phone
and and and if you have a disagreement or don't
see eye on something, texting isn't going to help, you,
know what I mean. I think both of us felt like, oh,
I don't want to rock the apple cart, and like
call and rock the boat, tip the apple car, knock
(31:39):
the boat.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
Spill the go ahead.
Speaker 2 (31:43):
This is why we got divorce. Don't text because because
because when you when you can talk to the other person,
as hard as it is. No, but that's the thing
when you're when you're divorced, you don't want to have
to talk to the other person, you know what I mean,
And you want to talk as little as possible, but
you have to when you have kids involved.
Speaker 1 (32:03):
You have you have I know, did you, like I
said before, you never looked at me and thought I'm
going to be bound to this person for the rest
of my life by having children with her.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
No, I mean, when you don't really think of it.
I mean when you're when you listen. When we had
our first child, I wasn't thinking about you know, life,
I was twenty one years old. I was thinking about
the moments, you know, and we came together very fast,
very fierce, was very you know quick, and then I
(32:38):
remember thinking, well, let's move in together and see how
it goes. And then it kind of just went. Like
five years went by, and I thought, well, we should
get married, and then we got married, and then we
had another kid, and then it felt like it was
almost like an arranged marriage in a way, and things
seemed well, and you know, you know, we we had
disagreements here and there, but it was like I think
(32:59):
it was so.
Speaker 1 (33:00):
We were really young, we really did create a special family. Yeah,
like whatever was going on between you and I really
felt separate a lot of the time. And then our
little happy family dwelling.
Speaker 2 (33:20):
Well, I think we were able to shield it more
from the kids. And also I don't think I spoke
up as much, you know what I mean, because I
was younger, I hadn't really formed my own identity of
who I was yet, and so I just felt like, well,
I'll just be what everybody needs me to be and
I think that, you know, it's time went bio. I
was like, well, I don't even know who I am anymore,
you know what I mean, Like I kind of fell
(33:42):
into your world because you had more of an established world.
And that was tough because I remember we had a
beautiful house, but like you know, I didn't have anything
on the walls that I felt like was mine. I
felt like I was like supporting this life that it
was yours that I didn't like. When we got divorced,
(34:05):
I didn't know what furniture to put in my house.
I didn't even know what color I wanted to paint
the walls. I was like, I don't, I don't know.
I had to really find me, you know what I mean,
because I was so for so many years living this,
you know, for being a dad, living these parts, you know,
(34:27):
being a husband, being a dad, being this perfect family,
and so I never really fully got in touch with
and I didn't really have time to. I mean, I
went from my mom and dad's house, moved to l A.
You know, I had been working on projects, and within
six months we were having a baby. So you know,
(34:50):
I didn't fully have the I didn't I didn't have
a sense of who I was, and so I was
just trying to be all these things for other people,
you know. So when that fell apart, it took me
time to try to, you know, get in touch with
me and what I liked and what do I want
(35:12):
for dinner? I don't know. You know, do you.
Speaker 1 (35:15):
Remember that being like a main part of your decision
to get a divorce, like that you felt like, I
need to find myself. I need to be able to
express myself. I'm not not able to do that in
this marriage.
Speaker 2 (35:33):
I felt that. Yeah, I felt a lot of it
was like I was in this marriage and it felt
to me a little bit like an arranged marriage, you
know what I mean. Like I loved you, and we
had this beautiful family on you know, from the outside,
but I just was I hadn't hadn't developed who I was,
(35:53):
So like, how could you love me? I don't even
know how you could love me because I didn't know me,
you know what I mean. I was whatever you needed
me to be, Like like sometimes you would we would
drive up to your mom's house, and I was the
guy who drove, you know, I planned the vacations, I
was the dad. I was the soccer coach I was,
(36:14):
and then I go play parts and I was this
other person playing parts, and so I was just like, well,
I never got the fully develop me. I didn't know
who I was, and so I needed to figure that out,
you know.
Speaker 1 (36:27):
And you didn't feel like you.
Speaker 2 (36:28):
I didn't feel like I had the space to do it,
to do that within the marriage. No, So I think
that was a big part of it, because I felt
like time was going by and I didn't want to
wake up and be like sixty years old and feel like,
well did I live this life for all these other
people and not know who I was. I just needed
(36:50):
to go sort that, you know what I mean. And
I think I listened. It was all all part of
just you know, you you had already been established and
working since you were fifteen, so like by the time
you were twenty two, I was young, but like we
were in different places, you know what I mean, We're
just in different places. At twenty two, you were already
(37:11):
eight seven years, eight years into you know, your show
and almost wanting to retire, and I was just like, no,
I'm just starting. I want to explore you my career,
my craft, and I just it was it was just
also timing, you know, I mean of where we were, I.
Speaker 1 (37:31):
Mean, considering all of that. We really did last a
long time. I think because of the children, yea, you know,
we kept having.
Speaker 2 (37:40):
I think that if we didn't have kids, I wouldn't
have stayed because I would have had the freedom to go, Okay,
I need to be able to figure out who I am,
you know.
Speaker 1 (37:51):
I think though, if you love someone and you are
in a family, Like I'm not trying to debate your
decision at all, because I everything's great now, but like
I think, if you can ultimately grow and find yourself
in a relationship rather than saying I need to leave
my family to figure that out.
Speaker 2 (38:09):
There was there's part of me, listen, and I was
very conflicted. There was part of me that was like
do I stay in this? Do I do I do I,
you know, leave it. I also felt gutted to like
break up family apart. You know. It was it was
It wasn't an easy decision by any means. It was.
It was a decision that I felt like I kind
(38:32):
of had to make, and I feel, like, you know you,
looking back, I feel like it was the right decision
because what you don't want to do is stay in
a relationship and play a part and then feel like
your life went by and the kids, you know, grew
up in it. But they were you know, they they
didn't that there was an underlying emptiness there that I
(38:58):
wouldn't have been able to like, yeah, I would have
had you know.
Speaker 1 (39:01):
It's almost like, on one hand, they missed out on
that idyllic family my parents are still married kind of thing.
But on the other hand, they gained so much more
emotional depth and so much more strength, I think, and
so many other things from experiencing the way it happened
(39:24):
with us.
Speaker 2 (39:24):
Well, I hope look, if my kids are ever in
a relationship that they feel like, Okay, this relationship isn't
really you know, servicing me in a way that's making
me grow. And I hope that they, you know, have
the courage to leave the relationship so that they can
continue to grow and learn. And I think, look, wherever
(39:47):
we were at that time, I didn't feel like I
had the space to do it within our relationship, and
so part of it was like, what am I staying
in this relationship to teach them? Because what if they
get into relationship one day and they don't want to
leave it because they don't want to they don't want
to break the ideal like you know, image image of this.
(40:10):
You know, it's hard to leave relationship, especially the longer
you're in it. It takes a lot of it takes
a lot of courage, it's actually to do that.
Speaker 1 (40:18):
So yeah, I felt like you wanted me to like
say like, thank you for your courage, but I could
never get to that. I don't. I don't, I am
I honestly, I remember distinctly you saying to me in
that r V Jen someday you're going to thank me
for this, and I got so pissed at you. I
(40:40):
was like, I'm never gonna thank you for this, Like
I mean, but.
Speaker 2 (40:44):
You're You're in a wonderful marriage now with it, but
now incredible.
Speaker 1 (40:48):
My point is like, I thank you for doing it,
for all the growth that I've experienced from it, and
because of it, it wouldn't be who I am now,
and I wouldn't be, you know, the parent that I
am now without well, first of all, without your partnership
through all of the ups and downs of it, of
(41:08):
co parenting. No matter if we wanted to kill each
other at times, or not, we still were there for
one another. They always had a dad, And I have
the space within my heart now to really find all
those areas of respect for you and your decision, why
you made it for yourself, and how hard that was
(41:32):
for you, and your concern with the girl's feelings and
how it affected them. And I have a lot of
just gratitude knowing that you were a full time dad,
like you were always there for the girls. You are
always there for the girls, and you're always there for
me if I call you and I need some help
(41:54):
with something or I'm struggling. There were times when I
didn't feel that support from you when things were not good,
and that was so difficult. I think that when women,
when you're in a situation where your family is everything
and then your husband's no longer with you, you feel
alone and terrified, and especially if that partner isn't amicable
(42:21):
or showing that support or that respect for you the
mother as the mother, you know. I think that that
is something I'm just so grateful for. Okay, I think
this is a good place to take a pause. Ten
(42:41):
years ago, I never imagined that I would be having
this conversation about our divorce and co parenting publicly no less,
and I have to be honest, this conversation is hard
for me on a few levels, but I am really
glad that Peter and I are having it and we
have more to say, but let's save that. I just
(43:03):
want to say, I hope that if you or someone
you know is going through a breakup or divorce, you
take away from this. As cliche as it sounds, time
does heal those wounds. I know, I know, I hated
when people would say that to me in the throes
of it all, but like any loss, those intense feelings
(43:26):
do subside over time. I mean, look at us, Peter
and I have come a long way, and I am
really proud of the progress that we've made over the years.
As we move forward on this journey of choosing ourselves,
let's do this. I encourage you this week to look
back on a challenging time that you have experienced in
(43:50):
your own life. Maybe you've gone through a divorce or
lost a job, or experienced an illness or financial difficulties,
and now you're on the other side of that challenge.
I want you to give yourself a little grace and
congratulate yourself on how you process that and move forward. Seriously,
(44:15):
think of it as giving yourself a hug. You did that.
We are all warriors and survivors, but sometimes we forget
to be our own cheerleaders. Thank you for listening to
I Choose Me and Hey, Hey, make sure to follow
us on Instagram at I Choose Me with Jenny Garth.
(44:38):
I really love hearing from you. I love you, and
I hope you choose to come back next week
You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hello,
Welcome to the I Choose Me Podcast. This podcast is
all about the choices we make and where they lead us.
Sometimes life brings you scenarios that we never anticipate, like
(00:23):
co parenting after a divorce. When you become a parent,
you don't think how will I approach parenting if my
relationship falls apart. You only start to think about co
parenting when you are forced to because it's now your
new reality. Co Parenting can be really frustrating, and it
can leave you feeling lonely and defeated. But on the
(00:45):
other hand, it can be collaborative and rewarding if everyone
is working together. Today I am joined by someone whom
I was married to. He's the father of my three
girls and someone I will be co parenting with for
the rest of my life. We have never sat down
(01:06):
together and talked about our divorce or our journey to
co parenting. So maybe I'm a little nervous and I'm
kind of excited about this conversation. Welcome Peter Facchinelli to
the I Choose Me Podcast. This is wild you here?
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Yeah. In the I Choose Therapy, A therapy session if
it does.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
Now that you bring it on this couch, starting to
get a little sweaty under my pitt. Yeah, this is
wild because we haven't really sat down and had a conversation.
It's certainly not a public conversation about anything, you know,
regarding our marriage or divorce or co parenting. So this
is Yeah, this is a very big step for us.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
I think it'll be good. Let's just say this. Uh,
start always saying I feel really blessed that we have
such wonderful kids, and then we're you know, through the
other side of it. I mean, our youngest is seventeen,
which she'll be eighteen in a few months, and you know,
parenting's hard. It's really hard.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Yeah, you were just twenty one years old when you
had a baby.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
Yeah, I was a baby having a baby, that is I.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
Mean we didn't really understand back then how young that
was to become a parent. But now looking back and
seeing our own twenty one year old, can you imagine
her having a daughter?
Speaker 2 (02:31):
Like, no, how did that? I pray every day, I'm like, please,
don't I don't have a baby, y, I know, because
you know, you need had a little bit of wisdom
and a little bit of knowledge at that age. At
twenty one, you were a year older, so you weren't
that much older twenty two, but you had you've been
working since you were fifteen in the business. So you know,
I literally just landed in La I moved here, and
(02:55):
six months later I was having a baby. So you know,
that was that was that wasn't planned obviously. Uh. But uh,
you know, we we we lasted a long time and
we did for for Hollywood years and uh and we
we yeah, here we are.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
We had a good run.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
We had a we had a very good run. And
uh and even when we were apart, you know, we
had to we had to work together a lot of
times at a lot of times. It wasn't easy. Uh,
you know, for either one of us. I think I
think that really stems, you know, looking back on it,
is I felt like we were two parents that cared
(03:37):
a lot, and so whatever friction came up was because
we really did care about the about our children. You know,
there's some parents that they're just like, I don't care.
You know, you deal with it, or I don't care.
I'll deal with it, and they're busy. But we both
really you know, cared passionately about our kids and really
wanted the best for them, and sometimes, you know, our
(04:01):
ideologies would would not mesh. But somehow we worked it
out and we have really good kids. Yeah. Whatever we did,
whether it was right or wrong, like, they grew up
to be wonderful kids. Yeah, and I feel very fortunate.
I know.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
Let's just go back to the beginning, though, because when
when we first decided to break up, you know, separate
the divorce everything, we settled on shared custody. I think
that you know, a lot of the listeners out there
are either they're going through a divorce with kids and
(04:42):
entering into the next step of co parenting with their ex,
or you know, people just want to know how to
handle this situation because you don't ever really think when
you get together, when you first start a relationship with somebody,
who don't think about what are we going to do
if this doesn't work out? Like how am I going
to co parent with the person? So we settled on
(05:03):
shared custody fifty to fifty. I know, for me, there
were times when I really emotionally regretted that decision or
not fighting harder for more, But at the same time,
I knew that having them be fifty percent of their
time with you their father was absolutely the best thing
(05:27):
for them. And whatever I was dealing with, you know,
that part of me that wanted to have them more
was just me being selfish and thinking about myself because
it hurt so bad when they would leave. How was
it for you when that fifty to fifty deal came up?
Speaker 2 (05:50):
I mean it was I mean it was always hard.
I think listen. Co parenting is hard, Divorce is hard.
I didn't have a model for it. My parents were.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
We were flying.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
Yeah, so I mean married to twenty one, we were
together what ten years?
Speaker 1 (06:08):
Eleven years I think married.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
I mean we were together for five then we got
married after five. Luca was you know, was our flower girl,
So that's ten five and then I think she was
like twelve.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
We were married in two thousand and one, divorced in
twenty twelve, so that's.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
Like eleven years plus plus five fifteen sixteen years. That's
that's a long run. And we had three kids, and
you know, it broke my heart to break up a family,
you know, And it was one of those decisions that
was like you never know if you're making the right decision.
But you know, we made the decision, and then it
(06:52):
was all about trying to find a balance and picking
up the kids and knowing that they were going to
miss you for the week and then dropping off knowing
they were going to miss me for a week. Is
it's it's hard. I think they were young. They were
well there were Luca was twelve or thirteen, and Lola
was like eight or nine. Six No, I think she
was like eighty eight or because she was sick when
(07:16):
she was six, remember.
Speaker 1 (07:17):
And Fiona must have been like she was like four.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
Yeah, so you know, not easy at all. Yeah, certainly
I wish I had, you know, I wish I could
look back and say, here's the way to do it,
But I still don't know like the best way. If
if it was like, should we have done two weeks apart,
but then that feels even longer. I know, sometimes we
try that, you know, in the summers, we'd be like, well,
(07:42):
maybe two weeks with you, two weeks with me, and
that would be you know, too long, and so I
don't know, Look, it's a tough thing. I also felt like,
you know, for the kids, they'd always like pack a
bag and come to my house and then pack a
bag and then go to your house. And I always
felt like they were like, uh, I feel like they
(08:03):
were visiting me and maybe choosing a home, like your
house is like the home house, and you know, there's
a lot of feelings of like, well is my house
the house they come visit? Is your house to come
the house they visit? You know, like where is their home? Uh?
Some some parents will get what they call nesting and
they'll get one house and the parents, you know, move
(08:26):
back and forth. And we talked about that, I think
for a split second. But you know then you're it's
it's hard. You're you know, you break up with somebody,
you're not a relationship with them, and you still have
to see them all the time. You still have to
you know, work with them. You're you're you know, you're
you're making decisions together and and and that's not always easy,
(08:50):
especially when you know sometimes the decisions aren't something you
know that that you both agree on, you know, And
I think that was that was hard on both of
us because then where's the compromise, you know, like how
do you compromise? And in some way we found our
way through it, and it wasn't always fun. It wasn't
always pleasant, but like I said that, our kids are
(09:12):
you know, on the other side of it, our kids
turned out really wonderful, and I feel like they needed
both of us. You know, they really did a benefit
from having both of us. And I always felt that
like if you're if the parents are okay, then the
kids will be okay. You know. So like like when
if we were had tension, I feel like the kids
(09:34):
felt it. So I was always trying to keep that
away from them. You know. It wasn't always successful, but
like when we're in agreement, that always felt like, you know,
even if they weren't in agreement with our decision, there
was a there was a power dynamic that mom and
dad are coming together on this issue. That that was
that felt you know, unified and felt good. You know.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
Do you recall any times when the girls pitted us
against one another?
Speaker 2 (10:03):
I mean I recall, like with our youngest when there
were times when we were both unified and something. We
both sat down with her and she was like she
hated that. She was like, this isn't how it works,
because she liked being able to kind of pit us
against each other where you know in some ways she'll
still do it now in some ways where she'll you know,
(10:25):
come to my house and it'll be great, and then
I'll hear from like our middle daughter Lola, that she'll
say something like, oh, well, she said she was kind
of sad and depressed, and I'm like, why would she
say that? We had a great week together? And then
you'll hear she was kind of sad and depressed, but
it's really because she wanted to go to a party,
and she's kind of playing you, you know, to go
to this party.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
I think a lot more than yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
Yeah. So you know, it's hard because it's like they do,
they do play play us against each other. And I
think that where we could have done better or I
could have done better, probably is communicating more, you know,
because we spend a lot of time texting back and forth,
and the textings.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
So many texts.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
Was like, you know, there's a key and Peel skit.
I don't know if you ever saw it, but like
you know, in the skit, they'll be like, hey, I'm
coming over and the other person will be like whatever,
and I'll be like whatever.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
Oh yes, yes, And so you can really read it,
really can.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
Read into he didn't put a period there? Or why
is it? And caps when my phone just like, really.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
I know how you talk so well, like I understand
our kidence together and even our sense of humor. So
I hear you when I read the text most of
the times.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
But I think that's dangerous too though, sometimes because sometimes
I might be meaning it a completely different way, and
you too, like and I think, listen, we haven't really
spoken a lot about life about stuff in years, so
I honestly don't know me. I don't know, and I
don't think you know me. And yet it's like when
(12:03):
you go home and you're with like your mom or
your dad or you know, your your sisters, and they
just treat you like you're sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, like you
know the time they saw you last, when you were younger,
And so there's this feeling of like, oh, I know
her because we were together for so long, but you've
grown into this mature, wonderful adult woman and I've grown
(12:28):
and so you know, but when we look at each other,
we still look at each other like the twenty one,
twenty two year old version of each other. So like
that becomes dangerous, you know, because we're always kind of
reading into things or looking at things, and I think
that if we were, you know, And it's hard because
there's a lot of well, if I get into if
I jump on the phone, I don't want to get
(12:49):
into an argument. I don't want to it the room
my day. I don't want to. So you end up
texting back and forth thinking that you're, you know, trying
not to get but then you end up arguing back
and forth on a text. There's a lot of wasted
time and energy.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
We wasted so much time trying to prove our points
to one another, and I think one must regret that.
Speaker 2 (13:09):
When we when we got together and we ever talked
it through, it was like, oh, she's not really attacking me.
You know.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
I want to ask you just because this is a
huge deal when you break up with your family and
then you have the kids every other week, and our
kids were little, so they it was full time. I
remember we lived up north at that time. I had
moved up there because you were traveling a lot for work,
and you had to actually rent a house up there
(13:41):
for your off weeks. Do you remember that.
Speaker 2 (13:44):
I don't even remember that.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
You don't remember renting that house up that beautiful house
with the view, and you literally never stayed in it.
Probably why I don't remember it, because the girls didn't
want to go to it.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
I don't remember it.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
Oh my god, I remember.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
I think I remember what I remember. We had an
r V and so I spent I would. I would
stay in the r V when I went up there.
I don't remember a house.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
I remember the RV. That's where we broke up. Yeah,
that's the RV's where you told me it was over.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
I think in the r V.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
In the RV, that's why we sold that RV. Well, yeah,
for me, glad you don't remember. But how did you, like,
because you were in pain and healing in your own
way from a breakup, how did you do that when
you with the kids, when you had the kids or
when you didn't.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
I mean I when I had the kids, I just
made it about them, right, you know? And I think
that's was me trying to shield it from them, like
I'm okay, you know what I mean? Because look, I
think that there's no manual for for for parenting, you
know what I mean? And that's it's really hard you
get you have a kid. I'm twenty one years old
and you're like, well, what do I do? You know,
(14:57):
so you just look at what like your parents did.
And like my my mom, I never knew if she
was happy or sad or you know, she didn't really
show her emotions. She kind of just made it about me,
you know what I mean, like how was my day?
And so she was always like a rock. And so
I kind of tried to model that for the kids.
(15:17):
And you're more of like, hey, it's okay for the
kids to see emotions, yeah, show you know, And I
think that's part of your upbringing. So like that's I.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Think one of the biggest differences in our parenting styles.
And I knew that early on. I remember going to
your house in Queens and Noni Bruna your mom. I
remember it was so much energy, the Italian dinners in
the family, and I was not used to that. I
come from a really quiet family, and I remember just
being over. I was pregnant also so feeling those like
(15:49):
we weren't married and it was in this Catholic home,
like the illegitimate baby mama, like it felt very weird.
So I remember there was one point when I just
couldn't hold it anymore. My emotions came out, and I
remember NONI come back to the girls room where we
would stay, and she was like, it's okay, don't cry.
Don't cry, like she said, don't cry, don't cry, And
for me, I was like, what do you mean don't cry?
Like I have to cry to get this out. So
(16:11):
you're like that difference in our upbringing was so apparent,
and it really did cross over into our parenting styles
because you are much more what's the word, when you're
not as emotional, not that you're not emotional, but like
you're much more.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
I try to stay stronger so that my whatever I'm
going through doesn't affect them. And so when they came
over to the house, it was more about how they're feeling,
you know what I mean. So it wasn't like I
was suppressing their feelings. It was more of me not
you know, showing them how happy, you know, sad about
them not being there.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
I really tried to do that. You know, you you.
Speaker 2 (16:48):
Always yeah, but it's your you know how you were raised,
you know what I mean. I think that, like I said,
they kind of benefited from both. You know. They looked
at it and it was like it's okay to express
emotions and it's okay to be wrong, you know. I
mean we had also I felt like sometimes we differed
in and like parenting in the sense that, you know,
(17:10):
when I saw the kids uncomfortable about something, I looked
at it as an opportunity for them to grow through it, right,
And you still do. We still deal with this because
you hate when they're uncomfortable. You just want to make
them feel good all the time and hug them and
love them. And that's a beautiful trait. And and so
we would clash on that because I'm like, you know,
when we were together, I remember it was a little
(17:32):
easier because, like, you know, we're trying to it's just
easy when you're together and you're just supporting each other.
And there were times when our youngest, our oldest, Luca,
you know, it's five, and you say she's not making
any friends. You got to go help her make friends.
I go over. I'd be like, hey, this is Luca Belli.
You know you need to you should be friends with her.
And so and then as she got older, it was
(17:53):
like she didn't develop the skill set to like make
friends because I was the one making friends for us.
So like you know, when I was younger, it was
more of an approach of with my parents of like
letting me fall and then you know, letting me get
up and if they needed me, you know, if they
if I really needed them, they were there. But they
let me, you know, grow through things, you know what
(18:16):
I mean. And you had a mom and dad who
just there all the time celebrating you, and like, I
always loved it. I think we had two extremes, you know,
our upbringings. Our brains were like I could have used
a little bit of more of the parent to love nursing.
And like, you know, I had my first job. I
was twelve years old. I was a paper boy. I
(18:37):
was like delivering papers to the neighborhood and I worked
seven days a week, you know what I mean. So
like having a job is what I knew at an
early age. I wanted to instill let my kids and like,
you know, if they were uncomfortable out things, and you
would call me and be like, well, so and so
is bothering them at school, and I'd be like, let's
give them tools to like, you know, get through it.
(18:58):
And you're you know, it's not something wrong, it's just
your ideology is more like, let's let's fix it for them,
Let's help them, you know, in the sense of making
this space comfortable for them so they can grow, you know.
So I think we still deal with that sometimes, you know.
(19:19):
But again I think that there's two having the two
parenting styles somehow works because we have such incredible children.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
What does co parenting mean to you, like in general?
Speaker 2 (19:40):
Like, I mean, it's tough.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
What does it take?
Speaker 2 (19:43):
Yeah, it takes. It takes patience, It takes it takes
a lot of and again we could have been better
at it, and I still try to be better at it.
A lot of trying to understand where the other it's
coming from, because I think when we had a passion
for something, you know, about something our kids were going through,
(20:07):
and we understood, you know, where you were coming from
and where I was coming from, even if we didn't
agree on the you know, end result of it, there
was a compassion there that that I think helped us
through it, you know what I mean. So it takes compassion,
it takes understanding, it takes I think also when you're divorced,
(20:31):
there's a feeling of am I a good parent? Maybe
the other person's a better parent, and it flips flops.
I feel like you feel that way too, I'm not wrong,
like and wanting to the other parent of go, hey,
I'm a good parent too, and so you're always trying
to prove to the other parent, know I'm I'm Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:49):
There was a lot of that for us, because I
would send them to you and I would think they
weren't being taken care of well enough or to my
standards or whatever it was. But then just I would
have to step back from that because like you were
doing the best you could and giving them all the
things that you knew to give them.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Yeah, Like it was hard because when I drop them
off to your house, I'm like, they're with their mom
and I know they're safe and they're comfortable and if
they need me, I'm here. And I think in the beginning,
a lot of it was like are you picking up
Fiona at school? Are you are you feeding her this?
And so there was a lot of like safeguard and
I was like, I got it, I got it covered,
don't worry.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
I think that's what led us to I remember there
was a point for us when you, in one of
our many texts exchange, you said leave me alone. I'll
do it my way, you do it your way. And
those were points where we would just reach a point
where we couldn't communicate anymore. Those walls you know, we're up.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Well, it's hard when I'm trying to parent and like
I feel like I'm always being looked over, like I'm
not doing it well or not doing it right, you know,
And it's like I need to be able to have
the space to parent my own way. And then you know,
we have to come together on obviously certain terms of
certain rules and stuff. And it always helped when we
(22:07):
had the same rules in the same house. So it
wasn't like here's chocolate and candy, you know what I mean.
But it wasn't that. It was just always like I
think you were a little nervous that I was going
to be late, or I was gonna pick up Fiona
on time, or do you know, don't forget you has
soccer or don't forget And I was like, I have
the calendar, I've got it.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
You know.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
There's a lot of uh.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
Yeah, then you were text me like ten minutes before going,
wait where do I go?
Speaker 2 (22:30):
Yeah? Sometimes, but yeah, it takes listen again, when you
break up with someone and then you still have this immense,
tremendous responsibility with them. It's you have to put everything
aside to like to work together. And there's still a
lot of pain there in the relationship not working out.
(22:53):
A lot of feeling like if you failed the kids,
or you know, we failed the kids in some way,
and a lot of feelings of like, you know, my
way is right, your way is wrong, your way is right,
my way is wrong, and so like. But waiting through
all of that and going, well, what's best for them,
(23:15):
you know, not not what makes me feel like a
good parent or feels you feel like a good parent,
What's what's really best for them? And and and it's hard,
but it's like, I think what we were good a
is we loved our kids so much, you know that
we were somehow able to like get to a point
where you know, even if we didn't agree, they were okay.
(23:38):
You know. I also think kids are resilient. They're very
resilient in the sense that we felt like, well, if
I lose this point, they're gonna be messed up for life,
or you know, if I give in on this, and
and and they go to this school and you want
them to go to that school that they're gonna their
(23:58):
whole life is gonna be, and it's not. I think
that they're going to have their lessons in that whatever
they're going through, and they're going to grow from that experience.
And so I never looked at it like, well, maybe
if they went here and they didn't go there, they'd
end up differently because they have a way of ending
it where they're supposed to be.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
Always that's how life works. Yes, But I think that
when you are a child of divorce, your younger years
are so much more challenging. There's just so much more
going on in your head and your heart, you know,
conflict and questions and being uncertain, you know. I think
that there's so much that they have to process, and
(24:38):
that I mean for most people that I've talked to,
if you're a child of divorce, that's something that is
in you for the rest of your life. It's so
when you say I think kids are resilient, I agree
with you on some level, But I also think that I.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
Think that goes back to our ideologies because like I
think that that uncomfortableness that they carry made them strong
to be who they are.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
I'm not arguing that, No, absolutely, I agree with you.
I think every challenge that we all go through takes
us to the next step, to the next step, to
the next step of our evolution and are growing And
I think that. But I think that when kids are
put in the position of being children of divorce, you're
adding in something that they didn't create. So their natural
(25:26):
like story, life journey takes the left turn or right turn.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Yeah, but I'm big on the story of it all
because like, whatever story you create for them is the
story they're going to believe. And I always felt that
what maybe we could have done better is creating a
universal story of that would have been more beneficial to them. Like,
like I'll give you an example. My dad works seven
(25:53):
days a week. You know, I didn't see him Monday
through Friday at all. He left in the morning at
nine am. I went to school at six at seven am,
so I went to school before he woke up. And
then he would come home at two am, so I
didn't see him. And on Saturdays he worked, so I
saw him in the mornings and then I saw him
(26:14):
on Sunday. That's all that's I saw. So I saw
my dad one day week. And if I had a
mom who was just like, your dad's never here, he's
never around. I'm doing everything around here, I would have
hated my dad. But I had a mom who was
always like, your dad's working so hard for us, your
dad's putting food on the table. Your dad, you know,
work hard, because your dad works hard, and you got
(26:36):
you know, he's going to be proud of you. And
and so this tape that I was hearing, my dad
was a superhero to me. And I never was angry
at him for not being around. I looked at him
as as this role model of like somebody who like
gave up a lot for his family. And I feel like,
you know, so that the tape we play for our
kids of like, you know, a lot of times we
(27:01):
would villainize each other, you know, and and it would
just be there, not in the sense that we've villainize
each other in front of our kids, but like they
could tell if there's tension there or like you're in
a disagreement with me, or I'm in disagreement with you,
and they feel it, and like you know, his mom, right,
and then you're putting them in a position. We're putting
them in positions to like choose sides and so like, yes,
(27:22):
there's a something they carry, and I don't come from
divorced parents, so I don't know what that would be.
But I always felt like if you and I stayed unified,
if you and I could could get along, if you
and I, you know, could work together, and they saw
(27:44):
that there was still love there, you know, and even
though we weren't in this relationship, that they could walk
away going you know, with the story of mom and
dad are still in each in our corners. Maybe they're
not together, but they're in our corners, and and then
they would grow from a more positive experience out of
it instead of like is bad.
Speaker 1 (28:06):
I agree with you. I do agree with you. I
think that we're talking about two different things that I
think we're talking about the psychological impact of a divorce
on a young child and how it progresses to the
rest of our life. And I think we're also talking
about the story or trying to model for your kids.
And I think that what you're saying is absolutely true. Actually,
(28:30):
it was making me a little feel a little emotional
while you were talking about that, because I know I
could have been better about that, and I know, you know,
I could have been better about that, and that's hard
for me because I did my best, but sometimes my
best wasn't the best, you know, and I acknowledge that,
(28:50):
and like it pains me now to see that that
I created something there for us to deal with, for
them to deal with because of my just my pain
or whatever it was. Like I said, we haven't really
talked about.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
Anything, but here's the thing, like even though you might
have felt that, and you feel that now and like
you know, yeah, we went through that, Like I know that.
Our daughter Lola today was like I'm so I'm so
excited for your mom to talk about because they're because
they know that. You know, our kids really like I mean,
(29:26):
knock on wood, they're they're just so incredible, you know
what I mean. Like I'm so proud of them. They're
so smart, they're so like our daughter's twenty and like
she doesn't even like to like drink, she doesn't go
out partying. She's like very like focused on what she
wants out of life. Like I mean, I didn't have
it all together at twenty, you know what I mean.
The way our kids have it together, and our oldest
(29:48):
daughter too, you know, is. You know, she went off
to New York at twenty three or twenty four and
on her own, you know, got an apartment on our own,
got a job on her own, and was able to
like you know, be autonomous and like we were always
there for her, but she didn't, you know, she was
able to take care of herself and to this day
(30:10):
still is. And like I look at that and I'm like, well,
we most have done something right, because you know, a
lot of kids today, if they grow up and they're
too reliant on their parents, they don't leave the house
till live thirty. You know. I know a lot of
friends whose kids are just like still kind of kicking around,
not knowing partying or you know, getting into drugs or like,
(30:34):
we were really blessed with our kids that they they
just grew up so wonderful. And I think it. You know,
I can't. I can't sit here and say we did
a terrible job when our kids are so good, because
I really think that, you know, whatever happened, you know, yes,
there were things we could have dealt with better on
(30:57):
both ends, but like they really benefited from from both
both worlds. You know, I think, I think when you're
co parenting too, if you got if if they're parents
out there that are getting divorced, if they could put
you know, I was going to ask you all of
that pain aside and and the differences aside, and try
(31:18):
to keep the front unified and get on the phone
and and and if you have a disagreement or don't
see eye on something, texting isn't going to help, you,
know what I mean. I think both of us felt like, oh,
I don't want to rock the apple cart, and like
call and rock the boat, tip the apple car, knock
(31:39):
the boat.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
Spill the go ahead.
Speaker 2 (31:43):
This is why we got divorce. Don't text because because
because when you when you can talk to the other person,
as hard as it is. No, but that's the thing
when you're when you're divorced, you don't want to have
to talk to the other person, you know what I mean,
And you want to talk as little as possible, but
you have to when you have kids involved.
Speaker 1 (32:03):
You have you have I know, did you, like I
said before, you never looked at me and thought I'm
going to be bound to this person for the rest
of my life by having children with her.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
No, I mean, when you don't really think of it.
I mean when you're when you listen. When we had
our first child, I wasn't thinking about you know, life,
I was twenty one years old. I was thinking about
the moments, you know, and we came together very fast,
very fierce, was very you know quick, and then I
(32:38):
remember thinking, well, let's move in together and see how
it goes. And then it kind of just went. Like
five years went by, and I thought, well, we should
get married, and then we got married, and then we
had another kid, and then it felt like it was
almost like an arranged marriage in a way, and things
seemed well, and you know, you know, we we had
disagreements here and there, but it was like I think
(32:59):
it was so.
Speaker 1 (33:00):
We were really young, we really did create a special family. Yeah,
like whatever was going on between you and I really
felt separate a lot of the time. And then our
little happy family dwelling.
Speaker 2 (33:20):
Well, I think we were able to shield it more
from the kids. And also I don't think I spoke
up as much, you know what I mean, because I
was younger, I hadn't really formed my own identity of
who I was yet, and so I just felt like, well,
I'll just be what everybody needs me to be and
I think that, you know, it's time went bio. I
was like, well, I don't even know who I am anymore,
you know what I mean, Like I kind of fell
(33:42):
into your world because you had more of an established world.
And that was tough because I remember we had a
beautiful house, but like you know, I didn't have anything
on the walls that I felt like was mine. I
felt like I was like supporting this life that it
was yours that I didn't like. When we got divorced,
(34:05):
I didn't know what furniture to put in my house.
I didn't even know what color I wanted to paint
the walls. I was like, I don't, I don't know.
I had to really find me, you know what I mean,
because I was so for so many years living this,
you know, for being a dad, living these parts, you know,
(34:27):
being a husband, being a dad, being this perfect family,
and so I never really fully got in touch with
and I didn't really have time to. I mean, I
went from my mom and dad's house, moved to l A.
You know, I had been working on projects, and within
six months we were having a baby. So you know,
(34:50):
I didn't fully have the I didn't I didn't have
a sense of who I was, and so I was
just trying to be all these things for other people,
you know. So when that fell apart, it took me
time to try to, you know, get in touch with
me and what I liked and what do I want
(35:12):
for dinner? I don't know. You know, do you.
Speaker 1 (35:15):
Remember that being like a main part of your decision
to get a divorce, like that you felt like, I
need to find myself. I need to be able to
express myself. I'm not not able to do that in
this marriage.
Speaker 2 (35:33):
I felt that. Yeah, I felt a lot of it
was like I was in this marriage and it felt
to me a little bit like an arranged marriage, you
know what I mean. Like I loved you, and we
had this beautiful family on you know, from the outside,
but I just was I hadn't hadn't developed who I was,
(35:53):
So like, how could you love me? I don't even
know how you could love me because I didn't know me,
you know what I mean. I was whatever you needed
me to be, Like like sometimes you would we would
drive up to your mom's house, and I was the
guy who drove, you know, I planned the vacations, I
was the dad. I was the soccer coach I was,
(36:14):
and then I go play parts and I was this
other person playing parts, and so I was just like, well,
I never got the fully develop me. I didn't know
who I was, and so I needed to figure that out,
you know.
Speaker 1 (36:27):
And you didn't feel like you.
Speaker 2 (36:28):
I didn't feel like I had the space to do it,
to do that within the marriage. No, So I think
that was a big part of it, because I felt
like time was going by and I didn't want to
wake up and be like sixty years old and feel like,
well did I live this life for all these other
people and not know who I was. I just needed
(36:50):
to go sort that, you know what I mean. And
I think I listened. It was all all part of
just you know, you you had already been established and
working since you were fifteen, so like by the time
you were twenty two, I was young, but like we
were in different places, you know what I mean, We're
just in different places. At twenty two, you were already
(37:11):
eight seven years, eight years into you know, your show
and almost wanting to retire, and I was just like, no,
I'm just starting. I want to explore you my career,
my craft, and I just it was it was just
also timing, you know, I mean of where we were, I.
Speaker 1 (37:31):
Mean, considering all of that. We really did last a
long time. I think because of the children, yea, you know,
we kept having.
Speaker 2 (37:40):
I think that if we didn't have kids, I wouldn't
have stayed because I would have had the freedom to go, Okay,
I need to be able to figure out who I am,
you know.
Speaker 1 (37:51):
I think though, if you love someone and you are
in a family, Like I'm not trying to debate your
decision at all, because I everything's great now, but like
I think, if you can ultimately grow and find yourself
in a relationship rather than saying I need to leave
my family to figure that out.
Speaker 2 (38:09):
There was there's part of me, listen, and I was
very conflicted. There was part of me that was like
do I stay in this? Do I do I do I,
you know, leave it. I also felt gutted to like
break up family apart. You know. It was it was
It wasn't an easy decision by any means. It was.
It was a decision that I felt like I kind
(38:32):
of had to make, and I feel, like, you know you,
looking back, I feel like it was the right decision
because what you don't want to do is stay in
a relationship and play a part and then feel like
your life went by and the kids, you know, grew
up in it. But they were you know, they they
didn't that there was an underlying emptiness there that I
(38:58):
wouldn't have been able to like, yeah, I would have
had you know.
Speaker 1 (39:01):
It's almost like, on one hand, they missed out on
that idyllic family my parents are still married kind of thing.
But on the other hand, they gained so much more
emotional depth and so much more strength, I think, and
so many other things from experiencing the way it happened
(39:24):
with us.
Speaker 2 (39:24):
Well, I hope look, if my kids are ever in
a relationship that they feel like, Okay, this relationship isn't
really you know, servicing me in a way that's making
me grow. And I hope that they, you know, have
the courage to leave the relationship so that they can
continue to grow and learn. And I think, look, wherever
(39:47):
we were at that time, I didn't feel like I
had the space to do it within our relationship, and
so part of it was like, what am I staying
in this relationship to teach them? Because what if they
get into relationship one day and they don't want to
leave it because they don't want to they don't want
to break the ideal like you know, image image of this.
(40:10):
You know, it's hard to leave relationship, especially the longer
you're in it. It takes a lot of it takes
a lot of courage, it's actually to do that.
Speaker 1 (40:18):
So yeah, I felt like you wanted me to like
say like, thank you for your courage, but I could
never get to that. I don't. I don't, I am
I honestly, I remember distinctly you saying to me in
that r V Jen someday you're going to thank me
for this, and I got so pissed at you. I
(40:40):
was like, I'm never gonna thank you for this, Like
I mean, but.
Speaker 2 (40:44):
You're You're in a wonderful marriage now with it, but
now incredible.
Speaker 1 (40:48):
My point is like, I thank you for doing it,
for all the growth that I've experienced from it, and
because of it, it wouldn't be who I am now,
and I wouldn't be, you know, the parent that I
am now without well, first of all, without your partnership
through all of the ups and downs of it, of
(41:08):
co parenting. No matter if we wanted to kill each
other at times, or not, we still were there for
one another. They always had a dad, And I have
the space within my heart now to really find all
those areas of respect for you and your decision, why
you made it for yourself, and how hard that was
(41:32):
for you, and your concern with the girl's feelings and
how it affected them. And I have a lot of
just gratitude knowing that you were a full time dad,
like you were always there for the girls. You are
always there for the girls, and you're always there for
me if I call you and I need some help
(41:54):
with something or I'm struggling. There were times when I
didn't feel that support from you when things were not good,
and that was so difficult. I think that when women,
when you're in a situation where your family is everything
and then your husband's no longer with you, you feel
alone and terrified, and especially if that partner isn't amicable
(42:21):
or showing that support or that respect for you the
mother as the mother, you know. I think that that
is something I'm just so grateful for. Okay, I think
this is a good place to take a pause. Ten
(42:41):
years ago, I never imagined that I would be having
this conversation about our divorce and co parenting publicly no less,
and I have to be honest, this conversation is hard
for me on a few levels, but I am really
glad that Peter and I are having it and we
have more to say, but let's save that. I just
(43:03):
want to say, I hope that if you or someone
you know is going through a breakup or divorce, you
take away from this. As cliche as it sounds, time
does heal those wounds. I know, I know, I hated
when people would say that to me in the throes
of it all, but like any loss, those intense feelings
(43:26):
do subside over time. I mean, look at us, Peter
and I have come a long way, and I am
really proud of the progress that we've made over the years.
As we move forward on this journey of choosing ourselves,
let's do this. I encourage you this week to look
back on a challenging time that you have experienced in
(43:50):
your own life. Maybe you've gone through a divorce or
lost a job, or experienced an illness or financial difficulties,
and now you're on the other side of that challenge.
I want you to give yourself a little grace and
congratulate yourself on how you process that and move forward. Seriously,
(44:15):
think of it as giving yourself a hug. You did that.
We are all warriors and survivors, but sometimes we forget
to be our own cheerleaders. Thank you for listening to
I Choose Me and Hey, Hey, make sure to follow
us on Instagram at I Choose Me with Jenny Garth.
(44:38):
I really love hearing from you. I love you, and
I hope you choose to come back next week
Host
Jennie Garth
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