March 14, 2025 • 52 mins
Bachelor Nation fan-favorite Kaitlyn Bristowe joins Jennie for a conversation where no topic is off limits! Kaitlyn is talking about her broken engagements, the importance of authenticity, and what she's contemplating regarding parenthood.
Plus, Kaitlyn tells Jennie what her non-negotiable is now when it comes to a partner!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hello, everyone,
welcome to I Choose Me. This podcast is all about
the choices we make and where they lead us. My
guest today is someone we all fell in love with
when she was on the Bachelor and then later when
(00:24):
she starred as the Bachelorette. Some people say the best
bachelorette there ever was. Since then, we also got to
see her dominate on the dance floor when she won
season twenty nine of Dancing with the Stars Amazing. She's
founder of her own wine company, Spaden Sparrows, and the
host of the podcast Off the Vine. Please welcome Caitlin
(00:48):
Bristow to the podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
Thank you for being on the I Choose Me podcast.
This is so exciting to have you here. I want
to start by asking you, why are you such a
bad as.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
They go? Anyone's ever said to me? I Sometimes I
think I am, and other times I'm like no, If
I feel like a fraud.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
That's natural.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
I do feel like just like life will put you through.
You know, life be lifeing sometimes and I feel like
that only makes you stronger. And I feel like maybe
a little hint of where I grew up with the
I grew up mixed with like being I don't know,
chewed up and spat out on a reality TV show
made me.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
I love that you just you don't give up. I
think you know, you put it all out there. I
mean even before the reality the Bachelor or the Bachelorette.
Were you always like this? Were you an outgoing kid?
Speaker 2 (01:47):
You know what's funny? I always think about this. I
was painfully shy when I was little and I couldn't
even make eye contact. I couldn't be in like I
got stage fright and I was a dance her. But
I don't know what happened. Something switched in high school.
I remember, like the twelfth grade being like, I'm I'm
(02:08):
going into being an adult as I thought, but at
eighteen that was the legal like drinking age in Alberta,
in Canada where I grew up, So I was like,
I'm going to be an adult. I have to like
put myself out there. And I just like changed my
mindset and I remember being like, just just do what
you're you think you're scared of, Like nobody cares, nobody's
(02:30):
looking at you, nobody's staring nobody's thinking anything. It's not
that deep. And I remember switching my mindset in like
out of nowhere in the twelfth grade, and then all
through my twenties, I just remember having this best friend
who was she was probably seven years older than me,
and I feel like she just inspired me and she
didn't give a fuck, and she just lived her life
(02:52):
so authentically and I saw the way she just I
lived this authentic life and she was just so grounded
and happy, and I was like, I'm going to learn
from this woman. And still to this day, she's one
of my best friends, and I feel like I still
learn from her, and I.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
Always the best.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
I always trying to give her credit, and she's like,
you did it, Caitlin, And I was like, kid, can
you help me?
Speaker 1 (03:12):
That's the best? You said you at eighteen you kind
of had this epiphany. Did you have any therapy or
prior to that?
Speaker 2 (03:18):
Oh my gosh, I would have been even more advanced.
I thought. I thought I had it figured out at eighteen.
Also like a blessing and a curse, because you haven't,
you know, experienced things at eighteen that you that you're
going to do. But at nineteen, my world kind of
got rocked. I lost my best friend and we were
like sisters and we had attaching fences in our backyards
(03:42):
and our sisters were best thank you, and our parents
were best friends. And it was just like like a
pretty big loss for me. And then I went to Vancouver.
I was living in a very small town in It's
called the Duke, Alberta in Canada. And I went to
Vanko because I had gotten a dance scholarship and so
(04:03):
I was going to dance with this company and do
some auditions. And I ended up dancing with this company
and also being a CFL, the Canadian Football League cheerleader,
and I just would always be like, how would Lindsay
be living her life? Was my friend that past, and
I feel like I chose to kind of like because
we were so similar and because we were like sisters,
(04:23):
I kind of chose to live the way that I
think she would be proud of and the way she'd
want to live in the way I was inspired to
live through her. So I feel like that kind of
rocked my world and set me up for the path
that I went on. And I ended up staying in Vancouver.
And if it wasn't for all these little tiny shifts
in my life that happened nothing. You know, I wouldn't
be here where I am today. So, like I said,
(04:44):
like get right at the get go of this podcast,
it's kind of like when life gets you, that's when
you you learn that how resilient you are.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
I guess for sure, and you just have to learn
to listen to your instincts and follow the path that's
unfolding in front of you. Did you feel like when
you were a kid you had like you were destined
for something bigger than what's the name of the time due?
Speaker 2 (05:07):
Yeah, yes, I really did. It was so funny. My
sister and I could not be more opposite. She's like,
honestly the loveliest human I've ever met, and she's so selfless.
And I'm not saying I'm not like she was always
just craving this life of staying in the small town
having a family that was just like that is her
happy place, and I was always like, get me out
(05:30):
of here. I felt stuck. I felt like I wasn't
supposed to be there. I felt like I was supposed
to like when I moved to Vancouver. Still, you know,
it's kind of it's not massive, but I was like,
I'm in the big leagues now, like this is a
big city, and I just I felt like I was
always called to do like scary things, but to me
it didn't feel scary, Like going on national television to
(05:53):
a lot of people would be scary. And I was like,
I was like, oh, it was a little late, like
I'm almost thirty, but okay, here we go. Like I
just I knew something like that was going to be
in my life. I don't know I do that, but
I think, you know, women are intuitive, but I also
just sometimes you just have that feeling like there's a
reason you asked, right, because sometimes people do have that feeling.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
Yeah, I mean sometimes it's not us. We need somebody
else to see that potential in us. And for me,
it was my main manager, Randy James, who I met
when I was I think six fifteen. I'm still with
him today's yeah, we're still together. But like, who is
your biggest cheerleader when you are growing up? Who was
(06:34):
there to make you take those big swings?
Speaker 2 (06:36):
Yeah it was it was definitely my mom. My mom
was a professional ballerina her whole life, and so she
taught me dance she used to have a dance studio,
and she's kind of beautiful by the way. Oh, and
she's such a firecracker, Like that looks fun. She is
so fun, and she's just always been like encouraging to
(06:57):
kind of like dance at the beat of my own drum.
She's never told me to follow some sort of path.
I mean, I do think she was very happy that
the path I was on was like kind of her
path and she was living vicariously through me, though I
actually loved doing what I was doing too, So I
feel like she was always her and my dad they
were very much like, you know, like they kind of
(07:20):
always had me believing that I was so unique and
I needed to follow my own path and Caitlyn's going
to do what she wants to do, and let's kind
of like encourage her instead of stop her. They never
forced me to go to college. I was like, no,
I'm going to be a dancer, and they kind of
just they always supported my dreams and my quirkiness. I
(07:42):
would say, like, I just I feel like they never
made me feel like I was supposed to be anything
else but myself, And I feel like that's kind of
you know, when you just live. Yeah, living true to
yourself things for a line.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
And that's so cool that your parents were so supportive
like that. I wanted to ask you, since you've come
onto the scene, you've always just been authentically you. I
think that's why so many people are drawn to you.
You've been really open that. It hasn't always been an
easy road. I think was when you were in your twenties,
(08:17):
you said you struggled with an addiction to valium. Can
you share with us how you got through that.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
Yes, again, that's where my parents will come in. But
I you know, growing up in my twenties in Vancouver,
I'm thinking, you know, I'm going to get some sort
of dance gig. I always thought I would be like
traveling the world as a dancer. And as I went through,
like you know, twenty to twenty five, I was doing
the grind. I was living four people in a one
(08:43):
bedroom apartment, dancing at night, working at a restaurant in
the day, doing auditions, all of that kind of thing,
which I'm sure you're familiar with as well. And I
at twenty five twenty six, you know the old story
of I met a boy and he was this Canadian
hockey player, and in my mind, I thought, well, I'll
(09:06):
just you know, go wherever he goes and he's successful,
and I'll live his life and that I'll just find
my own thing to do along the way. And I
think I completely lost myself to this person. I financially, emotionally, spiritually,
in every way relied on this one guy and thought,
(09:29):
you know, this is it for me. I'm going to
get married, We're going to have a family. And I
was kind of all over the place with him. We
were in Winnipeg, Canada, and then Anaheim, and then Newfoundland, Canada,
and then Germany, and I just you know, in Germany,
I had no friends. The German team, all the wives
were German. They kind of all had their friends, and
(09:54):
I thought, you know, I'm going to travel Germany and
I worked two jobs before I went, but I just
started getting stuck in this little room that we lived in.
This is so crazy to think back on, but I
was totally addicted to call of duty like video games.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
Oh my gosh. I never would have thought that.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
It's so funny to think back on because I'm like, oh,
that poor girl. I just want to go for a
hug so bad. But I would just sit there and
I would drink and I would play video games, and
I would just wait on him to get home from practice,
and then he'd go on the road and I would
just sleep all day. And I became shell of myself
and I couldn't work. And I realized that I am
such a go getter and I love to do things
(10:36):
and you know, meet people and all these things, and
I wasn't doing any of it. And we ended up
breaking up because he basically looked at me and he
was like, you are not meant for this life. I
see how miserable you are. I got very depressed, and
on top of being very depressed, he left me. And
I had no education, no job, I could not go
(10:58):
back to dancing, didn't have a dollar to my name,
I didn't have anywhere to live, and I my whole
world just felt like it got rocked. Because that also
it does sound silly, but I know how real it
is to lose somebody like that is also going through grief.
And I loved I loved him so much, and so
my mom said, I'm booking you a flight. She lived
(11:22):
in Phoenix at the time, and I was I was
not okay. I was saying very scary things. And she
picked me up at the airport with my stepdad and
we didn't even go home. We went straight to a
walk in clinic and I had to take a bunch
of tests and paperwork, and you know, you had to.
(11:42):
It was like a basically a test of how suicidal worried.
And I had never felt like that in my whole life.
I was always pretty like fun and outgoing, and I
was just rock bottom. And they put me on without
even really talking through it. They put me on valum
and an antidepressant. And when you've never taken anything like
(12:03):
that before and you start feeling completely numb, that is
a beautiful feeling compared to depression. And so I thought,
I can just take this pill and not feel anything,
and I would. Nobody gave me a limit on it.
Nobody really walked. You know. My mom didn't have too
much information on this, so she just so heartbroken watching
(12:26):
me just be the shell of myself. And every day
I would just sleep and take a pill and go
back to sleep. And that happened for honestly too long,
and my parents really had to do something about it
because I had to wean myself off and it was
probably you know, I ended up being sneaky about it,
(12:47):
not telling them when I was taking it, and they
just kind of were there for me during all of it,
and they said, this isn't you like go back to Vancouver.
My friend said I could live on his couch. I
stayed on my friend's couch and I just got myself like,
little by little. My mom said, baby steps, baby steps,
is all you need to do right now. We're here
(13:08):
to support you financially. And I took little baby steps.
If I got out of bed that day, that was
a small win. If I walked out and got a coffee,
that was a small win. I eventually worked myself up
into going to a restaurant and filling out an application
to host to work my way up in a restaurant,
and just little by little through the support of friends
(13:30):
and family and then therapy. That's when I got into therapy.
Baby steps got me where I needed to get to be.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
Oh, you should be so proud of yourself, not only
for how far you've come, but also for being really
vulnerable and sharing that part of your life with the world,
because it's that kind of honesty that creates impactful connections
with people all over the world who are dealing with
similar things to you.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
Perhaps, Yeah, I actually couldn't believe. So I think also
a part of how I grew up, I didn't I didn't,
you know, grow up doing auditions for TV. I didn't
know how TV worked. I didn't know what overnight success
looked like with a platform. And so I think I've
just always been like, what isn't everyone this honest? And
that has gotten me in trouble, but that's also built
a beautiful community. And I always vulnerability creates connection, It
(14:20):
creates community, and I couldn't believe how much people were
craving that in a world of social media. I was like, oh,
I didn't even realize the impact that could have by
sharing a story.
Speaker 1 (14:32):
Right, It's it's wild. You don't think it until you
do it, and then you just feel so connected to
the people who are in similar situations.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
Yes, and just hearing it. Like I used to get
a little bit overwhelmed if people would come up and
be like, because you know, on the Bachelorette, you get pigeonholed,
you get pigeonholed into this one dimensional character. And I
got overwhelmed by people coming up to me and saying
like I can't believe what you did and this and this,
But then it started turning into you, you know your
podcast is really helped me, or how honest you are
(15:02):
has really helped me. And now I just like want
to hug everyone. I just like love it so much.
Speaker 3 (15:07):
And the people are like, oh I was scared to
say hi, I'm like no, please like run and jump
in my arms.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
I just think it's so cool now.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
It really is. How do you choose to show up
for yourself? Now?
Speaker 2 (15:24):
Every day I was thinking how good of timing this
podcast was because I just came out of a three
day therapy retreat that I did in Nashville. I ended
up actually doing some equine therapy with a horse.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
And oh my god, I'm so jealous right now.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Oh it was beautiful work. Like I've I've done some
really heavy stuff. I did this program called Hoffman where
I did some inner child work, and I've done a
lot of therapy and I loved it so much, and
I just choose, like I think, at this point in
my life, I really understand kind of it's kind of
(16:03):
clockwork for me when I have tough times. So I
suffer pretty badly from hormonal depression. And I don't know
why it took me so long into my thirties to
realize that's what it was like every time, same time,
every month. I'm like, oh, so, I just I really
choose to, like look at where I'm at in my cycle,
(16:25):
if I'm being completely honest and give myself banks for
certain things, and I feel I have therapy I do
once every two weeks, and even if I don't feel
like going, and even if I feel like I have
nothing to learn or nothing to say, I always walk
away being like I'm so glad I did that. It's
kind of like, you know, moving your body or going
to the gym, or I always joke about how it's
(16:46):
like going to the gym and having sex. It's like,
why did it feel so good once you get there?
Why were you so hesitant to that place? It's like
that's for me too, And I felt like another thing
that I really do. I lift heavy weights, and I
never thought I would do that. I always hated working out,
and now just I feel so mentally strong after coming
(17:06):
out of a workout that that's become something I really
do for myself. And how I show up for myself
and then I would say the last thing is And
I still struggle with this, but I will have pep
talks with myself in the mirror, like if somebody was watching.
I live by myself and sometimes I'm like, I should
have brother cameras in here, like it is hilarious how
I talk to myself. I'll look in the mirror. I'll
be like, oh, you look so and then I go, no, no, no,
(17:29):
we don't talk to ourselves that way. And then I'll
find something I love about myself. I'll give myself my fives.
I'll like go do a gratitude circle with my freaking dogs,
like I'll hold up paws. And it's like, over all
the years of doing things, you know that learning lessons,
and you kind of just build up this the as
(17:50):
they call the toolbox, you know, for people who know
what that is obviously, who listen to your podcasts, and
you know it's it becomes easier over time to snap
out out of it, but there's nothing wrong with not
snapping out of it either.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
Right, And I think once you really determine, like I
am a person that's a little chemically imbalanced, and you've
gotten specific about it, that it's connected with your cycle.
Once you nail it down and figure it out, it's
less scary, and you know you can you can accept
that about yourself and not be shameful of it, you know,
(18:26):
because there's a lot of shame around depression, I feel like.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
And I still do, even though I could sit here
and talk about it all day, Like, I still do
find myself having shame around it, even though you know,
how we we have this thought and I know a
lot of people bring this up lately, is that two
things can be true at once. I can suffer depression
and I can also be very vulnerable, and I can
also be very happy, and I can also be very sad.
(18:50):
And I am a human being feeling the full spectrum
of emotions in a day, and it's it's I do
feel shame around it sometimes, but thanks to podcast like
yours and people talking about it, it's like there's really
nothing to be ashamed of. And I also do have
the chemical imbalance. And obviously I'm not a doctor, but
like going on medication for me changed my whole life
(19:14):
because and what the doctor said to me, and what
I've heard a lot is people say, if you had
a heart condition, you'd take medication. If you have a balance,
take medication. You know. Again, go talk to your doctor
and whatever you believe in. But for me, personally helping
myself through medication and therapy has like changed my whole
whole life.
Speaker 1 (19:34):
I'm so happy for you. It sounds like your toolbox
is full, yes, of great things to get you through
tough times like that. And yeah, also in relationships, like
if anybody ever makes you feel ashamed or like you're
too much or you're just I had this a lot, Caitlin.
I was always told I was too emotional. Yeah, And
(19:57):
it was hard for me because you know, I played
like the this character for ten years in my very
formative developmental years who was experiencing trauma after trauma after
trauma on the show. And that definitely had an effect
on me. But I came to the place where I
was like, yeah, I am emotional, and I'm going to
switch it to say I'm emotionful and I actually love
(20:18):
that about myself now.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
Yes, And how long did it take you to love
that about yourself?
Speaker 1 (20:25):
Oh gosh, I am going to say not until I
was out of a relationship where I didn't feel good
about myself. It was in my early forties.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
Yeah, yeah, see. And that's so inspiring because I think
a lot of people think there's an age on where
you should be, oh my gosh, or with where you're
at in life, and not only career, but emotionally financially.
Everybody has this idea where they're supposed to be. And
I'm like, I bet you I'll get on my deathbed
hopefully in like one hundred and five and I'll go
(20:59):
I still don't think I got it.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
I mean truly it. Everybody's on their own schedule.
Speaker 2 (21:06):
Yeah, yeah, yeah exactly. And relationships really will make you
believe something that is not true about yourself if it's
one you know and it's it's the benefit of hindsight
is always looking back and saying, oh, I just I
actually wasn't even myself in that relationship, and what that
person was making me feel bad about is actually something
(21:29):
that's that's part of who I am, that's part of
my DNA, and that can be something that's actually beautiful instead.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
Of exactly exactly. You said something about society. Do you
feel that the bullshit societal pressures that we are all
put under, but specifically that you should be in a
certain stage of life already at your age. How do
you handle that? Because I think so many women are
like you, living fierce, independent, cool lives, but they still
(22:02):
feel stuck or like something is wrong with them because
they haven't got the husband or the kids or whatever
else it is that they need quote unquote to have.
Speaker 2 (22:13):
Yeah, I once in a while will like go into
a like, oh god, because I'm turning forty this year,
which I know, I feel like that's like I've always
been made to feel like that's scary. But then I'm like,
I still feel twenty five, and I just I almost
feel better than I did it twenty five. Actually I'm
taking better, yes, myself, I have more like wisdom and knowledge.
(22:37):
I'm more a more evolved version of myself. And I
always heard people talk about, you know, forty's are the
best and it just gets better and better, and now
I believe it so, but I do. I still have
moments where I'm like, I kind of giggle sometimes when
I look around and I go, I'm I'm hyper independent.
I'm almost the opposite now where I'm like I think
I could have a baby on my own. I think
(22:59):
I could on my own like my therapist will be like,
that's also a trauma response, because I like, I'm like,
but it's an option.
Speaker 3 (23:08):
Yeah, it's often, and I think that's empowering because I'm
I'm just I did this whole visualization the other day
with I have a talk about tools in the belt.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
I've got a therapist, I've got a spiritual coach. I
have this she's like an intuitive coach, and we're doing
this visualization and she was asking me to picture like
you can wake up anywhere in the world and you're
with anyone you want, Like, what is your perfect day?
And it was so funny because like it's it's a
perfect world, so I can make it up. I have,
you know, it can be outrageous. And I was in
(23:42):
Hawaii for like one hour of the day. But what
I found was I I was like, well, I woke
up in my own bed, in my home with my
dogs and no one else. And she's like, isn't that
beautiful that that was your actual Like you got into
a meditation, you were picturing your perfect day and you
were with yourself. And I'm like, that is really cool.
(24:03):
And I wouldn't have said that five years ago.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
You know, Yes, You've come so far. I'm so proud
of you.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
I know I would go through the screen and give
you a hunk.
Speaker 1 (24:18):
Can we talk about relationships a little. People have followed
you finding love first on the Bachelor, then on the Bachelorette,
you know, and you were engaged and that didn't work out, right,
and then you found love again. Yeah, and that didn't
work out, which, by the way, is absolutely okay.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
Totally, I'm with you.
Speaker 1 (24:35):
We have to try things on first to see how
they fit. You know, when I was like single and
in my forties, I went through a number of let's
call them, ill fitting relationships, and I learned so much
about myself and I feel like you are. You know,
you are living that right now.
Speaker 2 (24:56):
Yeah, I honestly I go back and if I could
talk to that X that absolutely broke me, I would
thank him because that alone, that one breakup, made me
think I can get through anything. Anything get through through
you know, between losing my best friend and the guy
(25:17):
I thought I was going to marry, I was like, Okay,
I didn't think I could get through those two things.
And I came out of it more spiritual, I came
out of it much stronger and knowing myself a million
times better. So now I just think, like the relationship
that ended from the Bachelorette, I had a hard time
(25:39):
with that one, but again not as bad compared to
that breakup from the Germany Times, and I went, this
is awful, but I'm going to get through this and
I know what I deserve and that wasn't it. And
then the second one was like more of If I'm
being completely honest, in this moment, I think I was
(26:03):
caught up in everything this guy was because he was
everything that one wasn't and I just thought, well, he
does this, and he does this, and he has this
on paper, and the internet seems to support us, and
I kind of like fell into my own little trap
of what was real and what wasn't. And I think
(26:24):
that I changed a lot through that relationship. I think
that person changed tremendously through the relationship, and we just
were not compatible at all whatsoever at the end. And
it was one of the easier breakups I've had, even
though it was an engagement. We had dogs together, thought
our life was together, and I walked away from it
(26:44):
so confident, and now I just almost the bad part
about it is almost me saying, you know, the hyper
independent trauma response, as my therapist calls it, where I'm like,
I'm like, relationships are so hard.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
Uh, yours preaching to the choir.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
Yeah, I'm just like it scares me now because I'm
just like, you know, you think you know somebody and
you think it's right, and three years down the road
that person could not be right for you anymore, and
it's scary.
Speaker 1 (27:19):
Do you think you give in to I call them
my non negotiables, Like I made a list of what
it was that was just not ever going to work
for me in a relationship, what I didn't want, and
I was, you know, being very specific and kind of like, well,
I'm really narrowing this down. I don't know who's going
to fit into this category. But have you done that?
Speaker 2 (27:41):
Oh yes, Oh my gosh. And I I laugh every
time at my list because it'll be like, no more
bachelor guys, Caitlin.
Speaker 1 (27:51):
Oh my god. Okay, I'm so happy to hear you
say this. I'm really feeling like you need to go
elsewhere to find okay, or that.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
I honestly don't. I just feel like I'm I have
I have a list, like obnoxiously long list, and some
of them I go Caitlin like, don't you can bend
on that one? But I'm just like, am I making
it too hard on myself? Way? Wait?
Speaker 1 (28:18):
Wait, what's when you could bend on?
Speaker 2 (28:21):
Like I don't want them to have a podcast? I
feel like I feel like the podcast actually like tore
us a part of my last relationship.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
Okay, get a guy that doesn't have a podcast. It's
not that hard.
Speaker 2 (28:33):
Every guys, I feel like every you know that trend
where people will be like, hey, there's a guy without
a podcast, and You're like, where because every he has
a podcast, which I love because I love the podcast
community so much. But I'm like, why is that? Why
is that all my non negotiable? I guess because I
have trauma from it?
Speaker 1 (28:50):
Yeah, yeah, I feel you though. I I was married
to an actor for a long time. I'm always around actors, wow,
And I was trying to make the actor thing work,
but it did not work for me whatsoever. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
You probably have this common bond with somebody if they're
in the same industry as you and you've been through
similar situations and you do it's exactly that word. You
bond over it and then it's like, Oh, they understand
me and I understand them, and I don't know something.
Speaker 1 (29:21):
You get a little fooled, Yeah, you do get.
Speaker 2 (29:23):
I feel like I've been bamboozled in the past.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
Bamboozled.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
That's such a good word.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
You've been so open though, Like with your journey to
love and breakups. How are you feeling about another relationship?
Will you let it be in the public.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
I probably won't until it is, like, you know, I
always talk about the foundation of a relationship, and in
my last two the foundation was built online, like in
front of people, and I just feel like I really
would like to try a different approach this time. And
(30:00):
although I am like, I kind of find myself feeling
guilty about that because I do share so much, and
I do feel like that's part of who I am,
as an open book and sharing everything and not caring
what people think. But when it comes to dating right now,
I just feel like I want to keep it so sacred.
(30:22):
Same thing with my house. I you know, I thought
about doing this big house tour and showing everybody, and
I'm like, I think I'd like to keep my relationship
that part of my heart and my home sacred for
me right now and not open it up to even
though it's so much love and support and joy, there's
(30:42):
a lot of criticism and I'm just like wanting to
just build this healthy foundation first and then I'm sure
eventually I would share, but in this moment right now,
I think I want to keep it myself.
Speaker 1 (30:54):
Yeah. I think your instinct is absolutely right, because all right,
being sharing and being open is such a beautiful, vulnerable
quality that you have. You have to honor that in yourself,
you know.
Speaker 2 (31:09):
Yeah. I just I'm like, I you know, when you
see people online where you're like and then they break
up and you're like what, And it's so shocking because
you like were inspired with them, you look up to them.
And I myself just because like even in my other
relationships that I've shared online, those those things still happened.
There was still those moments that we shared, but there's
(31:31):
always something.
Speaker 1 (31:32):
Absolutely you never know what's going on behind closed doors.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
Yeah, And I just I think that's part of a relationship.
To me, feels like I need to put all beautiful
things out there because I don't know if people want
to even see messy things like that or be like, well,
why are you sharing that, So I feel like, you know,
right now, let's just let's keep it all to ourselves.
Speaker 1 (31:52):
I like that idea, they do. Do you think that
any of your relationship ups and downs have changed your
outlook on marriage in general? Maybe you know, not going
public is a step in the right direction.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
But I just go like I really do. I was
never one of those girls that grew up being like
I can't wait for my wedding day and blah blah.
Like I was always like, oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
Really yeah, yeah, But I think you're like me. You
love love. I love love.
Speaker 2 (32:28):
I do. I am a sucker for it. I really
am a sucker for it too, And so I do.
I do like the idea of marriage. I do like
the idea of having a family. But I don't know
if anything's changed. I feel like I still have the
same like sometimes I think I need to soften up
a little bit on because I do love love. But
I try to be too tough sometimes and my friends
(32:51):
always call me an undercover softy because I act so
hard on the outside with like, yeah, I don't know
if I want to get nearried, But they're like, you
you are a lover, like I am, deep down, and
I just think I've always I don't know. I think
I've always had the same beliefs and thoughts and ideas
of what love is. It's just I think I've maybe
(33:13):
gotten more secure in my own self so I can
like talk about it differently now.
Speaker 1 (33:20):
Yeah. I mean, I'll say this with all sincerity. I
know it's hard because I've been through it all. Yeah,
when you go through all of that heartbreak, though, how
do you choose love again?
Speaker 2 (33:37):
I don't know. I honestly I don't. I wish I
had an answer. I don't know. I feel like I
talked about that this past weekend at this it's like
an intensive It was so beautiful, it was so cool.
It was so scary. It was so messy and great
and lovely.
Speaker 1 (33:53):
That's awesome.
Speaker 2 (33:54):
Yeah, but I did talk about that. I was like,
you'd think the older you get in, the more wisdom,
the more heartbreak and the more lessons, you would feel
more confident going into another relationship. But I actually feel
like I'm more confident in myself and I'm less confident
and more insecure about real love. And I think that's
(34:14):
okay because that's where I'm at right now. And that's
where you're at. Yeah, And I still like, I feel
like I'm always this walking contradiction. I have so many
different thoughts at the same time, so many different beliefs,
so many ideas and things that I go why I
just said the opposite and then I'm saying this, and
I do it all the time. But I'm like, that's
just part of who I am. And I just have
(34:35):
so many different thoughts around relationships and love that I
actually don't know how to answer that question because I
don't know how to believe in it. Again, I just
I do. I just don't know how to explain it
or do it, or I don't know.
Speaker 1 (34:51):
I think you're exactly right. You are in the space
of loving yourself right now, and in our to do that,
you have to be all in, you know, and you
don't need somebody else's opinions or you know, parameters defining
you getting to love yourself. Yeah, I've been there. It
(35:15):
wasn't until I was after my second divorce and i'd
been with him for a long time. We had three
beautiful kids together, and it wasn't until after that that
I started to do the journey and started to do
the work and find who I really was because I
had no idea. And it was in that that I
(35:37):
fell in love with myself finally, and all I wanted
to do was hang out with me yep and like
my dogs and my kids. And then that seemed like
and I know they've said this before, but that is
when it happens.
Speaker 2 (35:53):
Yeah, I believe that. I totally believe that. And I
think I think somebody who's also done the work and
been through their own you know things, is important and
I just feel, yeah, that's I mean, that's shown up
in my life right now. I'm not I'm not not dating.
I'm you know, I've I've I've been consistently on a
(36:16):
date with somebody, and I'm just you know, that's like
as much as people know, and it's it's really like
kind of helping me believe in people. Again. I think
that's also my problem. I think it's not even love.
I think it's humans. I grew up in a such
a loving environment with true friends, and I think real people,
(36:39):
real people, And I think going on TV and being
in a world of social media has rocked my world
with trust issues and using the word bamboozled again, like
where you think you know somebody and their intentions aren't
what you thought, and it's just like it rocks my world.
So I don't even know if it's about love. I
think it's about people. And I'm just like, kind of
what you said, I'm I'm like, how do you leave this? Hi?
Speaker 1 (37:03):
I have a dog with me too right now.
Speaker 2 (37:05):
It's just the best. It's the absolute best. And especially
dogs because my friends and family always laugh at me
because they go Babies, dogs and old people are like
your three favorite things because they can't hurt you. And
I was like, that's so true.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
It's so true. I think that's an okay list of
things people to hang out with.
Speaker 2 (37:24):
And I don't. I don't even stop at dogs. I'm like,
I want a horse now. After this last weekend, I
am destined to have a horse. All the animals. I
just love it.
Speaker 1 (37:33):
That's so great where you live? How's the dating pool?
Speaker 2 (37:44):
Not?
Speaker 1 (37:44):
What's it like out there?
Speaker 2 (37:47):
I've you know, what's so funny is I've so I
live in Nashville and I've never dated, Like, I haven't
been on a date with somebody here. I Nope, we
got to go to New York for that. I feel
like I feel like there's or Canada, good ones in
Canada and New York. Yes, I've only heard through the
grapevine of friends dating in Nashville that it's the worst.
(38:09):
But I'm not sure why.
Speaker 1 (38:12):
I feel like Nashville is the new La, Like it's
a mini La.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
Yeah, I feel like Nashville is starting to do LA
better than LA does LA.
Speaker 1 (38:20):
It's full of La guys. Yeah, full of musicians, two
categories that are yeah, dicey.
Speaker 2 (38:27):
You're right, it's the yeah and everyone's here just to
like live out their dream of being a musician. So, yeah,
I have heard it's rough out there.
Speaker 1 (38:36):
Yeah, I don't envy you. I've already said I if
I have a divorce from my husband now, which I
hope that doesn't happen, I will absolutely live the rest
of my life just with my animals. I fully, I'm
gonna Doris day it just move out of town.
Speaker 2 (38:56):
I honestly, I think about this all the time. I'm
like a ranch in Montana with animals sounds dreams, Yeah,
right up, my alley.
Speaker 1 (39:03):
Absolutely. Okay. You know how patterns repeat themselves in relationships.
After you've been in and out of relationships, good and bad,
you start to recognize patterns and other people like, have
you been able to say, oh, look at this, here
are my patterns.
Speaker 2 (39:22):
Oh yes, Oh, I like I call it being an awareness.
Hell after you do this my therapy, Like it's almost
I'm hyper aware of my patterns and I work on
them so much. But there's it's like ingrained in me,
and it's it's it's wild. But I think it really
does stem from so my parents divorced and then I
(39:45):
lost my best friend. So I think I'm just truly
terrified of loss. And so I find my pattern is
to look for either the other shoe to drop or
an out because I'm always having you know, my guar up,
and I'm waiting for something bad to happen. And I
do feel like I punish myself by doing that. I
(40:07):
find that And you know, it's another funny thing that
I learned from being with a horse this weekend is.
Speaker 1 (40:13):
It sounds so weird, so weird.
Speaker 2 (40:16):
So what I learned from being with a horse is
I was trying to lead this horse. And I pride
myself on like being an animal lover, and I'm like,
horses love me, and so I was trying to walk
this horse and the horse wouldn't go with me, and
she was like, what is coming up for you? And
I'm like, I'm being needy, like impatient and needy where
I'm like, come on, all animals love me, like you
(40:40):
come with me? Like you're embarrassing me. And she was like,
does that come up for you in your life? And
I'm like, I think I have been needy in my past,
and I think the hyper awareness now of that being
a pattern, I'm so the opposite where I'm like, I
find the neediness embarrassing and I don't think it has
(41:01):
to be. It's it's kind of just like about being
aware of it. But it was interesting that that came
up because that's something that I've noticed in my past,
just like even though I'm this independent, strong, you know
all this, but I can be really needy in relationships
and that's when I start to lose myself. So it's
I think that would be a pattern. But most most pattern,
(41:22):
the biggest pattern that keeps patterning for me is probably
the fear of loss and sabotaging it myself.
Speaker 1 (41:28):
Yeah, it's so interesting your story because you said when
you're younger, you experienced these huge losses and then your
life's work has become to you just have been sent
more and more loss. Yes, in these relationships that haven't worked,
And so something is really sending you a very strong
(41:50):
message on what to focus on. Yes, in allowing yourself
that grief.
Speaker 2 (41:55):
Yes, it doesn't have to be so scary, like I can,
I will survive. Yeah, And I keep showing myself that.
But what do they say that? Like, there's some saying
is like what you don't heal will be revealed, or's
something like it's just going to keep showing up until
you heal that part of you and then and then
what I'm like, Well, if that part of me is healed,
(42:15):
I'll just find something else to focus on. Yep, else
to destroy.
Speaker 1 (42:19):
I know there's always going to be work to do ourselves,
I think until our last breath. I sometimes I'm like,
oh my god, I'm so tired of evolving.
Speaker 2 (42:28):
I know it's exhausting, it's exhausting, it's so exacting. I
compare it always to I always try and think of
my body as my home. This is where I'm constantly living.
You want to take care of it, but there's always maintenance.
Something will always be wrong, There's always going to be
something you need to fix.
Speaker 1 (42:44):
Or rebroken wood around the windows, you got to get
it painted.
Speaker 2 (42:48):
Yes, no matter what, there's always something And that's also
a blessing that I have live in a home you
know that I can fix and take care of. And
I have to treat myself like that too.
Speaker 1 (42:59):
Yeah, yep, Okay, you're going to be this big things
coming up for you. You're about to enter your forties
in June. What's the date, June nineteenth? June nineteenth, Yes,
that is a big milestone birthday. What do you hope
to gain in your forties and what do you hope
to leave behind you from your thirties?
Speaker 2 (43:21):
Okay, I hope to I hope to gain a little
more softness because I think I think that's part of
my life lesson is to soften and like even even
you know, when I think of myself, and like you
said at the beginning, and I'm it's like my favorite
(43:43):
compliment if somebody says badass, like that still means that
I can be soft, you know, like that still means
that I can and and not that I'm not. I
really am soft, but like embracing that, and I think
I think I need to let go of the fear
of life, like and that comes in every form, like
I do grief counseling for when my dogs go because
(44:06):
I'm so scared of losing them, Like it's My best
friend said something to me the other day and I was.
Speaker 3 (44:11):
Like, whoa.
Speaker 2 (44:12):
She goes, do you think this is your last life?
And I was like, why do you say that? And
she was like, because I feel like you really are
like trying to find your life purpose and she said,
and you are so sad of like loss and time,
the passage of time. She's like more than most people,
and she lost the same it was our best friend together.
So she she's lost her dad. She said so much
(44:33):
loss too, but she's like, you take it harder than
most people I know. And so I'm like, oh my god,
is it my last life? I have to figure it
all out.
Speaker 1 (44:43):
But I do think that I don't think that has
anything to do with it. It being your last life.
Speaker 2 (44:47):
Well, I'm okay with it if it is, because I
feel like I'm I feel like this is a very
good one and I'm happy with it. And I do
feel like I'm on this like quest and search to
find like the meaning of life. And I love, But
I think I need to With all this therapy I've
done because of the loss, and with seeing every single
time how I get through it, I think I need
(45:09):
to stop focusing it on it so much. It's almost
like I'm manifest loss because I think of it so much.
I think I would like to loosen up a bit
there and maybe leave that in the past and then
gain in my forties. Oh my gosh, I think I
want I think I want to. The simple thing of
(45:29):
I think a lot of people are doing this right
now is say no to the things that like you
don't really want to do.
Speaker 1 (45:35):
Because so hard, so.
Speaker 2 (45:37):
Hard, And I feel like, especially I do the comparison
things sometimes where I'm like, why am I not on
that carpet interviewing people, or why am I not doing this?
Or why am I? And I'm like, I've actually craved
this downtime that I'm in right now for so long,
For I mean so long ten years, I've been like, Okay,
don't go, go, go go. In my forties, I think
(45:58):
I want to just like reap the benefits of the
hard work and still work hard, but like kind of
like take it all in in my.
Speaker 1 (46:04):
Forties appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (46:06):
Yeah, appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (46:07):
Yes, appreciation is the same as gratitude. And I found
so much peace in allowing myself to have gratitude because
there were so many times in my life that I
thought I was in most people's eyes, I've been so
(46:28):
lucky and or you know, I've had this life that
I felt almost ashamed of it.
Speaker 2 (46:35):
Yeah, I understand that. I mean, you you have had
a really beautiful career. You're so talented, and your your
voice is so soothing by the way, like podcasts, I'm like, oh,
it's just like there's something very peaceful about your energy.
But it's yeah, it's it's that's That's a good way
to think about it, as to appreciate all the hard
(46:56):
work and and not that you're you're like, okay, done here,
Like you're podcasting. It's hard work, you know what I mean.
But it's appreciating where you've gotten to and loving what
you do. I think that's another thing, like choose the
things that I love to do. I love podcasting, I
love dogs, I love doing I love sharing stuff on
(47:16):
social media. I really do. I love doing it. I
just I need to cut back on the consuming of it.
But sharing I love.
Speaker 1 (47:23):
Yeah, it's the consuming that gets you.
Speaker 2 (47:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (47:26):
I just I see myself in you so much. I
think because you love so hard, yeah, is the reason
you grieve so hard at a relationship because I know,
for me, I'm the person that hangs on like I'm
the person never wants to break up. And what can
I do? And how can we work on this? How
can we make it better? I know we can fix this.
(47:49):
And because I am a very very hard worker, and
I think if I put my mind to it, I
can fix anything. And so I think that's why it's
so hard for people like us, that the grief and
just how it really hits you hard.
Speaker 2 (48:04):
That's a good point. I don't know if I've ever
put those two together, that when you love hard, the
loss is hard. Like that's that's a good point.
Speaker 1 (48:11):
Are you do?
Speaker 2 (48:12):
You know what you are on the enneagram?
Speaker 1 (48:14):
What's that tell us?
Speaker 2 (48:16):
Oh? You need to do it? So anyagram is actually
so hard to explain. I had like an enneagram expert
on my podcast years ago to it helped me understand it.
But it's basically there's like numbers one through nine like
a personality test.
Speaker 1 (48:30):
Yes, my daughter just told me about this she's settying psychology.
Speaker 2 (48:34):
Yeah, oh cool, that's amazing. Put me in touch with her.
And yeah, I'm a four with a three wing, and
I feel like there's so many similarities between us with that,
Like I would be shocked if you weren't that, because
a four like really has big feelings, very sensitive. That's
(48:55):
just a couple. There's like there's good and bad to
every number, but a three is also like a hard
worker and a go getter and the achiever. And I'm
so a mix of those two things. And I felt
validated and seen when I read those two types of personalities,
because I'm like, why do I think I'm the only
one out there that feels like this. I'm not. There's
(49:16):
so many people that feel the same way. And it
was just it was really validating to read about my numbers.
Speaker 1 (49:22):
Yeah, and what you were saying before, it's so so
so important to remember that one no is a full sentence,
and two you can be strong and still be soft.
Like you said before, two things can exist at the
same time.
Speaker 2 (49:36):
Yes, Like when I need to stop calling myself a
walking contradiction, I'm just like the true definition of maybe
five things being through at the same.
Speaker 1 (49:44):
Time, I feel like you're really curious, You're really curious
about yourself about relationships. Like I've always also said, like
I suck at relationships. I just I can't do this,
Like I am a person that cannot have a healthy
relationship no matter what, because I will do something to
bust it open. Yeah, yeah, the same as and I
(50:07):
don't And just learning that about myself and then I'm
able to sort of step back and watch when it's
happening and like try to turn it around.
Speaker 2 (50:18):
Yes, I have out of body experiences sometimes where I'm like,
I'm doing the thing.
Speaker 1 (50:22):
I'm doing the thing.
Speaker 2 (50:24):
Yeah, And there are like, obviously you found love, and
you know there are people out there that see that
as the beauty that it is. You know what I mean,
that is that's what makes you you.
Speaker 1 (50:38):
Yeah. Yeah, I just it's so important to me to
have somebody that loves all the parts of me. Yes, oh,
my damaged parts, the parts that other people see as
extra or too much.
Speaker 2 (50:52):
Yeah. I mean I watched my mom be too much
all the time, and she's like one of the biggest
inspirations to me.
Speaker 1 (50:59):
Yeah, and now as you get older, like she's not
being too much, she's just being her and that's so amazing.
Speaker 2 (51:04):
Yeah, exactly, she is so and that like I think
she is going to live the longest life because she
just enjoys it so much.
Speaker 1 (51:13):
Yeah, yeah, I hope.
Speaker 2 (51:14):
So.
Speaker 1 (51:16):
Okay, before I let you go, Caitlin Bristow, what was
your last I choose me moment?
Speaker 2 (51:22):
I would? I would say this past weekend where I
I you know, I have a little bit of guilt
because my best friend in the whole world it was
her husband's fortieth birthday and I would have had to
travel to Canada and I had to say no because
I had to choose me and go to this retreat.
That truly just I was like, what more can I
(51:42):
learn about myself? This is so fun? And I learned
so much more about myself this past weekend, and I
just I'm just such a believer in that kind of work.
So I think I really chose me this weekend.
Speaker 1 (51:55):
I love it. I love it. I love you. I
think you're awesome. Thanks so much much, and I just
send you so much positivity and support.
Speaker 2 (52:03):
Same to you. I honestly view there's some sort of
special energy about you, and I mean that. Oh thank you, Yeah,
thank you for having me, I really mean that
Speaker 1 (52:13):
I appreciate it so much.
You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hello, everyone,
welcome to I Choose Me. This podcast is all about
the choices we make and where they lead us. My
guest today is someone we all fell in love with
when she was on the Bachelor and then later when
(00:24):
she starred as the Bachelorette. Some people say the best
bachelorette there ever was. Since then, we also got to
see her dominate on the dance floor when she won
season twenty nine of Dancing with the Stars Amazing. She's
founder of her own wine company, Spaden Sparrows, and the
host of the podcast Off the Vine. Please welcome Caitlin
(00:48):
Bristow to the podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
Thank you for being on the I Choose Me podcast.
This is so exciting to have you here. I want
to start by asking you, why are you such a
bad as.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
They go? Anyone's ever said to me? I Sometimes I
think I am, and other times I'm like no, If
I feel like a fraud.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
That's natural.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
I do feel like just like life will put you through.
You know, life be lifeing sometimes and I feel like
that only makes you stronger. And I feel like maybe
a little hint of where I grew up with the
I grew up mixed with like being I don't know,
chewed up and spat out on a reality TV show
made me.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
I love that you just you don't give up. I
think you know, you put it all out there. I
mean even before the reality the Bachelor or the Bachelorette.
Were you always like this? Were you an outgoing kid?
Speaker 2 (01:47):
You know what's funny? I always think about this. I
was painfully shy when I was little and I couldn't
even make eye contact. I couldn't be in like I
got stage fright and I was a dance her. But
I don't know what happened. Something switched in high school.
I remember, like the twelfth grade being like, I'm I'm
(02:08):
going into being an adult as I thought, but at
eighteen that was the legal like drinking age in Alberta,
in Canada where I grew up, So I was like,
I'm going to be an adult. I have to like
put myself out there. And I just like changed my
mindset and I remember being like, just just do what
you're you think you're scared of, Like nobody cares, nobody's
(02:30):
looking at you, nobody's staring nobody's thinking anything. It's not
that deep. And I remember switching my mindset in like
out of nowhere in the twelfth grade, and then all
through my twenties, I just remember having this best friend
who was she was probably seven years older than me,
and I feel like she just inspired me and she
didn't give a fuck, and she just lived her life
(02:52):
so authentically and I saw the way she just I
lived this authentic life and she was just so grounded
and happy, and I was like, I'm going to learn
from this woman. And still to this day, she's one
of my best friends, and I feel like I still
learn from her, and I.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
Always the best.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
I always trying to give her credit, and she's like,
you did it, Caitlin, And I was like, kid, can
you help me?
Speaker 1 (03:12):
That's the best? You said you at eighteen you kind
of had this epiphany. Did you have any therapy or
prior to that?
Speaker 2 (03:18):
Oh my gosh, I would have been even more advanced.
I thought. I thought I had it figured out at eighteen.
Also like a blessing and a curse, because you haven't,
you know, experienced things at eighteen that you that you're
going to do. But at nineteen, my world kind of
got rocked. I lost my best friend and we were
like sisters and we had attaching fences in our backyards
(03:42):
and our sisters were best thank you, and our parents
were best friends. And it was just like like a
pretty big loss for me. And then I went to Vancouver.
I was living in a very small town in It's
called the Duke, Alberta in Canada. And I went to
Vanko because I had gotten a dance scholarship and so
(04:03):
I was going to dance with this company and do
some auditions. And I ended up dancing with this company
and also being a CFL, the Canadian Football League cheerleader,
and I just would always be like, how would Lindsay
be living her life? Was my friend that past, and
I feel like I chose to kind of like because
we were so similar and because we were like sisters,
(04:23):
I kind of chose to live the way that I
think she would be proud of and the way she'd
want to live in the way I was inspired to
live through her. So I feel like that kind of
rocked my world and set me up for the path
that I went on. And I ended up staying in Vancouver.
And if it wasn't for all these little tiny shifts
in my life that happened nothing. You know, I wouldn't
be here where I am today. So, like I said,
(04:44):
like get right at the get go of this podcast,
it's kind of like when life gets you, that's when
you you learn that how resilient you are.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
I guess for sure, and you just have to learn
to listen to your instincts and follow the path that's
unfolding in front of you. Did you feel like when
you were a kid you had like you were destined
for something bigger than what's the name of the time due?
Speaker 2 (05:07):
Yeah, yes, I really did. It was so funny. My
sister and I could not be more opposite. She's like,
honestly the loveliest human I've ever met, and she's so selfless.
And I'm not saying I'm not like she was always
just craving this life of staying in the small town
having a family that was just like that is her
happy place, and I was always like, get me out
(05:30):
of here. I felt stuck. I felt like I wasn't
supposed to be there. I felt like I was supposed
to like when I moved to Vancouver. Still, you know,
it's kind of it's not massive, but I was like,
I'm in the big leagues now, like this is a
big city, and I just I felt like I was
always called to do like scary things, but to me
it didn't feel scary, Like going on national television to
(05:53):
a lot of people would be scary. And I was like,
I was like, oh, it was a little late, like
I'm almost thirty, but okay, here we go. Like I
just I knew something like that was going to be
in my life. I don't know I do that, but
I think, you know, women are intuitive, but I also
just sometimes you just have that feeling like there's a
reason you asked, right, because sometimes people do have that feeling.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
Yeah, I mean sometimes it's not us. We need somebody
else to see that potential in us. And for me,
it was my main manager, Randy James, who I met
when I was I think six fifteen. I'm still with
him today's yeah, we're still together. But like, who is
your biggest cheerleader when you are growing up? Who was
(06:34):
there to make you take those big swings?
Speaker 2 (06:36):
Yeah it was it was definitely my mom. My mom
was a professional ballerina her whole life, and so she
taught me dance she used to have a dance studio,
and she's kind of beautiful by the way. Oh, and
she's such a firecracker, Like that looks fun. She is
so fun, and she's just always been like encouraging to
(06:57):
kind of like dance at the beat of my own drum.
She's never told me to follow some sort of path.
I mean, I do think she was very happy that
the path I was on was like kind of her
path and she was living vicariously through me, though I
actually loved doing what I was doing too, So I
feel like she was always her and my dad they
were very much like, you know, like they kind of
(07:20):
always had me believing that I was so unique and
I needed to follow my own path and Caitlyn's going
to do what she wants to do, and let's kind
of like encourage her instead of stop her. They never
forced me to go to college. I was like, no,
I'm going to be a dancer, and they kind of
just they always supported my dreams and my quirkiness. I
(07:42):
would say, like, I just I feel like they never
made me feel like I was supposed to be anything
else but myself, And I feel like that's kind of
you know, when you just live. Yeah, living true to
yourself things for a line.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
And that's so cool that your parents were so supportive
like that. I wanted to ask you, since you've come
onto the scene, you've always just been authentically you. I
think that's why so many people are drawn to you.
You've been really open that. It hasn't always been an
easy road. I think was when you were in your twenties,
(08:17):
you said you struggled with an addiction to valium. Can
you share with us how you got through that.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
Yes, again, that's where my parents will come in. But
I you know, growing up in my twenties in Vancouver,
I'm thinking, you know, I'm going to get some sort
of dance gig. I always thought I would be like
traveling the world as a dancer. And as I went through,
like you know, twenty to twenty five, I was doing
the grind. I was living four people in a one
(08:43):
bedroom apartment, dancing at night, working at a restaurant in
the day, doing auditions, all of that kind of thing,
which I'm sure you're familiar with as well. And I
at twenty five twenty six, you know the old story
of I met a boy and he was this Canadian
hockey player, and in my mind, I thought, well, I'll
(09:06):
just you know, go wherever he goes and he's successful,
and I'll live his life and that I'll just find
my own thing to do along the way. And I
think I completely lost myself to this person. I financially, emotionally, spiritually,
in every way relied on this one guy and thought,
(09:29):
you know, this is it for me. I'm going to
get married, We're going to have a family. And I
was kind of all over the place with him. We
were in Winnipeg, Canada, and then Anaheim, and then Newfoundland, Canada,
and then Germany, and I just you know, in Germany,
I had no friends. The German team, all the wives
were German. They kind of all had their friends, and
(09:54):
I thought, you know, I'm going to travel Germany and
I worked two jobs before I went, but I just
started getting stuck in this little room that we lived in.
This is so crazy to think back on, but I
was totally addicted to call of duty like video games.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
Oh my gosh. I never would have thought that.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
It's so funny to think back on because I'm like, oh,
that poor girl. I just want to go for a
hug so bad. But I would just sit there and
I would drink and I would play video games, and
I would just wait on him to get home from practice,
and then he'd go on the road and I would
just sleep all day. And I became shell of myself
and I couldn't work. And I realized that I am
such a go getter and I love to do things
(10:36):
and you know, meet people and all these things, and
I wasn't doing any of it. And we ended up
breaking up because he basically looked at me and he
was like, you are not meant for this life. I
see how miserable you are. I got very depressed, and
on top of being very depressed, he left me. And
I had no education, no job, I could not go
(10:58):
back to dancing, didn't have a dollar to my name,
I didn't have anywhere to live, and I my whole
world just felt like it got rocked. Because that also
it does sound silly, but I know how real it
is to lose somebody like that is also going through grief.
And I loved I loved him so much, and so
my mom said, I'm booking you a flight. She lived
(11:22):
in Phoenix at the time, and I was I was
not okay. I was saying very scary things. And she
picked me up at the airport with my stepdad and
we didn't even go home. We went straight to a
walk in clinic and I had to take a bunch
of tests and paperwork, and you know, you had to.
(11:42):
It was like a basically a test of how suicidal worried.
And I had never felt like that in my whole life.
I was always pretty like fun and outgoing, and I
was just rock bottom. And they put me on without
even really talking through it. They put me on valum
and an antidepressant. And when you've never taken anything like
(12:03):
that before and you start feeling completely numb, that is
a beautiful feeling compared to depression. And so I thought,
I can just take this pill and not feel anything,
and I would. Nobody gave me a limit on it.
Nobody really walked. You know. My mom didn't have too
much information on this, so she just so heartbroken watching
(12:26):
me just be the shell of myself. And every day
I would just sleep and take a pill and go
back to sleep. And that happened for honestly too long,
and my parents really had to do something about it
because I had to wean myself off and it was
probably you know, I ended up being sneaky about it,
(12:47):
not telling them when I was taking it, and they
just kind of were there for me during all of it,
and they said, this isn't you like go back to Vancouver.
My friend said I could live on his couch. I
stayed on my friend's couch and I just got myself like,
little by little. My mom said, baby steps, baby steps,
is all you need to do right now. We're here
(13:08):
to support you financially. And I took little baby steps.
If I got out of bed that day, that was
a small win. If I walked out and got a coffee,
that was a small win. I eventually worked myself up
into going to a restaurant and filling out an application
to host to work my way up in a restaurant,
and just little by little through the support of friends
(13:30):
and family and then therapy. That's when I got into therapy.
Baby steps got me where I needed to get to be.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
Oh, you should be so proud of yourself, not only
for how far you've come, but also for being really
vulnerable and sharing that part of your life with the world,
because it's that kind of honesty that creates impactful connections
with people all over the world who are dealing with
similar things to you.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
Perhaps, Yeah, I actually couldn't believe. So I think also
a part of how I grew up, I didn't I didn't,
you know, grow up doing auditions for TV. I didn't
know how TV worked. I didn't know what overnight success
looked like with a platform. And so I think I've
just always been like, what isn't everyone this honest? And
that has gotten me in trouble, but that's also built
a beautiful community. And I always vulnerability creates connection, It
(14:20):
creates community, and I couldn't believe how much people were
craving that in a world of social media. I was like, oh,
I didn't even realize the impact that could have by
sharing a story.
Speaker 1 (14:32):
Right, It's it's wild. You don't think it until you
do it, and then you just feel so connected to
the people who are in similar situations.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
Yes, and just hearing it. Like I used to get
a little bit overwhelmed if people would come up and
be like, because you know, on the Bachelorette, you get pigeonholed,
you get pigeonholed into this one dimensional character. And I
got overwhelmed by people coming up to me and saying
like I can't believe what you did and this and this,
But then it started turning into you, you know your
podcast is really helped me, or how honest you are
(15:02):
has really helped me. And now I just like want
to hug everyone. I just like love it so much.
Speaker 3 (15:07):
And the people are like, oh I was scared to
say hi, I'm like no, please like run and jump
in my arms.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
I just think it's so cool now.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
It really is. How do you choose to show up
for yourself? Now?
Speaker 2 (15:24):
Every day I was thinking how good of timing this
podcast was because I just came out of a three
day therapy retreat that I did in Nashville. I ended
up actually doing some equine therapy with a horse.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
And oh my god, I'm so jealous right now.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Oh it was beautiful work. Like I've I've done some
really heavy stuff. I did this program called Hoffman where
I did some inner child work, and I've done a
lot of therapy and I loved it so much, and
I just choose, like I think, at this point in
my life, I really understand kind of it's kind of
(16:03):
clockwork for me when I have tough times. So I
suffer pretty badly from hormonal depression. And I don't know
why it took me so long into my thirties to
realize that's what it was like every time, same time,
every month. I'm like, oh, so, I just I really
choose to, like look at where I'm at in my cycle,
(16:25):
if I'm being completely honest and give myself banks for
certain things, and I feel I have therapy I do
once every two weeks, and even if I don't feel
like going, and even if I feel like I have
nothing to learn or nothing to say, I always walk
away being like I'm so glad I did that. It's
kind of like, you know, moving your body or going
to the gym, or I always joke about how it's
(16:46):
like going to the gym and having sex. It's like,
why did it feel so good once you get there?
Why were you so hesitant to that place? It's like
that's for me too, And I felt like another thing
that I really do. I lift heavy weights, and I
never thought I would do that. I always hated working out,
and now just I feel so mentally strong after coming
(17:06):
out of a workout that that's become something I really
do for myself. And how I show up for myself
and then I would say the last thing is And
I still struggle with this, but I will have pep
talks with myself in the mirror, like if somebody was watching.
I live by myself and sometimes I'm like, I should
have brother cameras in here, like it is hilarious how
I talk to myself. I'll look in the mirror. I'll
be like, oh, you look so and then I go, no, no, no,
(17:29):
we don't talk to ourselves that way. And then I'll
find something I love about myself. I'll give myself my fives.
I'll like go do a gratitude circle with my freaking dogs,
like I'll hold up paws. And it's like, over all
the years of doing things, you know that learning lessons,
and you kind of just build up this the as
(17:50):
they call the toolbox, you know, for people who know
what that is obviously, who listen to your podcasts, and
you know it's it becomes easier over time to snap
out out of it, but there's nothing wrong with not
snapping out of it either.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
Right, And I think once you really determine, like I
am a person that's a little chemically imbalanced, and you've
gotten specific about it, that it's connected with your cycle.
Once you nail it down and figure it out, it's
less scary, and you know you can you can accept
that about yourself and not be shameful of it, you know,
(18:26):
because there's a lot of shame around depression, I feel like.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
And I still do, even though I could sit here
and talk about it all day, Like, I still do
find myself having shame around it, even though you know,
how we we have this thought and I know a
lot of people bring this up lately, is that two
things can be true at once. I can suffer depression
and I can also be very vulnerable, and I can
also be very happy, and I can also be very sad.
(18:50):
And I am a human being feeling the full spectrum
of emotions in a day, and it's it's I do
feel shame around it sometimes, but thanks to podcast like
yours and people talking about it, it's like there's really
nothing to be ashamed of. And I also do have
the chemical imbalance. And obviously I'm not a doctor, but
like going on medication for me changed my whole life
(19:14):
because and what the doctor said to me, and what
I've heard a lot is people say, if you had
a heart condition, you'd take medication. If you have a balance,
take medication. You know. Again, go talk to your doctor
and whatever you believe in. But for me, personally helping
myself through medication and therapy has like changed my whole
whole life.
Speaker 1 (19:34):
I'm so happy for you. It sounds like your toolbox
is full, yes, of great things to get you through
tough times like that. And yeah, also in relationships, like
if anybody ever makes you feel ashamed or like you're
too much or you're just I had this a lot, Caitlin.
I was always told I was too emotional. Yeah, And
(19:57):
it was hard for me because you know, I played
like the this character for ten years in my very
formative developmental years who was experiencing trauma after trauma after
trauma on the show. And that definitely had an effect
on me. But I came to the place where I
was like, yeah, I am emotional, and I'm going to
switch it to say I'm emotionful and I actually love
(20:18):
that about myself now.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
Yes, And how long did it take you to love
that about yourself?
Speaker 1 (20:25):
Oh gosh, I am going to say not until I
was out of a relationship where I didn't feel good
about myself. It was in my early forties.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
Yeah, yeah, see. And that's so inspiring because I think
a lot of people think there's an age on where
you should be, oh my gosh, or with where you're
at in life, and not only career, but emotionally financially.
Everybody has this idea where they're supposed to be. And
I'm like, I bet you I'll get on my deathbed
hopefully in like one hundred and five and I'll go
(20:59):
I still don't think I got it.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
I mean truly it. Everybody's on their own schedule.
Speaker 2 (21:06):
Yeah, yeah, yeah exactly. And relationships really will make you
believe something that is not true about yourself if it's
one you know and it's it's the benefit of hindsight
is always looking back and saying, oh, I just I
actually wasn't even myself in that relationship, and what that
person was making me feel bad about is actually something
(21:29):
that's that's part of who I am, that's part of
my DNA, and that can be something that's actually beautiful instead.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
Of exactly exactly. You said something about society. Do you
feel that the bullshit societal pressures that we are all
put under, but specifically that you should be in a
certain stage of life already at your age. How do
you handle that? Because I think so many women are
like you, living fierce, independent, cool lives, but they still
(22:02):
feel stuck or like something is wrong with them because
they haven't got the husband or the kids or whatever
else it is that they need quote unquote to have.
Speaker 2 (22:13):
Yeah, I once in a while will like go into
a like, oh god, because I'm turning forty this year,
which I know, I feel like that's like I've always
been made to feel like that's scary. But then I'm like,
I still feel twenty five, and I just I almost
feel better than I did it twenty five. Actually I'm
taking better, yes, myself, I have more like wisdom and knowledge.
(22:37):
I'm more a more evolved version of myself. And I
always heard people talk about, you know, forty's are the
best and it just gets better and better, and now
I believe it so, but I do. I still have
moments where I'm like, I kind of giggle sometimes when
I look around and I go, I'm I'm hyper independent.
I'm almost the opposite now where I'm like I think
I could have a baby on my own. I think
(22:59):
I could on my own like my therapist will be like,
that's also a trauma response, because I like, I'm like,
but it's an option.
Speaker 3 (23:08):
Yeah, it's often, and I think that's empowering because I'm
I'm just I did this whole visualization the other day
with I have a talk about tools in the belt.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
I've got a therapist, I've got a spiritual coach. I
have this she's like an intuitive coach, and we're doing
this visualization and she was asking me to picture like
you can wake up anywhere in the world and you're
with anyone you want, Like, what is your perfect day?
And it was so funny because like it's it's a
perfect world, so I can make it up. I have,
you know, it can be outrageous. And I was in
(23:42):
Hawaii for like one hour of the day. But what
I found was I I was like, well, I woke
up in my own bed, in my home with my
dogs and no one else. And she's like, isn't that
beautiful that that was your actual Like you got into
a meditation, you were picturing your perfect day and you
were with yourself. And I'm like, that is really cool.
(24:03):
And I wouldn't have said that five years ago.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
You know, Yes, You've come so far. I'm so proud
of you.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
I know I would go through the screen and give
you a hunk.
Speaker 1 (24:18):
Can we talk about relationships a little. People have followed
you finding love first on the Bachelor, then on the Bachelorette,
you know, and you were engaged and that didn't work out, right,
and then you found love again. Yeah, and that didn't
work out, which, by the way, is absolutely okay.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
Totally, I'm with you.
Speaker 1 (24:35):
We have to try things on first to see how
they fit. You know, when I was like single and
in my forties, I went through a number of let's
call them, ill fitting relationships, and I learned so much
about myself and I feel like you are. You know,
you are living that right now.
Speaker 2 (24:56):
Yeah, I honestly I go back and if I could
talk to that X that absolutely broke me, I would
thank him because that alone, that one breakup, made me
think I can get through anything. Anything get through through
you know, between losing my best friend and the guy
(25:17):
I thought I was going to marry, I was like, Okay,
I didn't think I could get through those two things.
And I came out of it more spiritual, I came
out of it much stronger and knowing myself a million
times better. So now I just think, like the relationship
that ended from the Bachelorette, I had a hard time
(25:39):
with that one, but again not as bad compared to
that breakup from the Germany Times, and I went, this
is awful, but I'm going to get through this and
I know what I deserve and that wasn't it. And
then the second one was like more of If I'm
being completely honest, in this moment, I think I was
(26:03):
caught up in everything this guy was because he was
everything that one wasn't and I just thought, well, he
does this, and he does this, and he has this
on paper, and the internet seems to support us, and
I kind of like fell into my own little trap
of what was real and what wasn't. And I think
(26:24):
that I changed a lot through that relationship. I think
that person changed tremendously through the relationship, and we just
were not compatible at all whatsoever at the end. And
it was one of the easier breakups I've had, even
though it was an engagement. We had dogs together, thought
our life was together, and I walked away from it
(26:44):
so confident, and now I just almost the bad part
about it is almost me saying, you know, the hyper
independent trauma response, as my therapist calls it, where I'm like,
I'm like, relationships are so hard.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
Uh, yours preaching to the choir.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
Yeah, I'm just like it scares me now because I'm
just like, you know, you think you know somebody and
you think it's right, and three years down the road
that person could not be right for you anymore, and
it's scary.
Speaker 1 (27:19):
Do you think you give in to I call them
my non negotiables, Like I made a list of what
it was that was just not ever going to work
for me in a relationship, what I didn't want, and
I was, you know, being very specific and kind of like, well,
I'm really narrowing this down. I don't know who's going
to fit into this category. But have you done that?
Speaker 2 (27:41):
Oh yes, Oh my gosh. And I I laugh every
time at my list because it'll be like, no more
bachelor guys, Caitlin.
Speaker 1 (27:51):
Oh my god. Okay, I'm so happy to hear you
say this. I'm really feeling like you need to go
elsewhere to find okay, or that.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
I honestly don't. I just feel like I'm I have
I have a list, like obnoxiously long list, and some
of them I go Caitlin like, don't you can bend
on that one? But I'm just like, am I making
it too hard on myself? Way? Wait?
Speaker 1 (28:18):
Wait, what's when you could bend on?
Speaker 2 (28:21):
Like I don't want them to have a podcast? I
feel like I feel like the podcast actually like tore
us a part of my last relationship.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
Okay, get a guy that doesn't have a podcast. It's
not that hard.
Speaker 2 (28:33):
Every guys, I feel like every you know that trend
where people will be like, hey, there's a guy without
a podcast, and You're like, where because every he has
a podcast, which I love because I love the podcast
community so much. But I'm like, why is that? Why
is that all my non negotiable? I guess because I
have trauma from it?
Speaker 1 (28:50):
Yeah, yeah, I feel you though. I I was married
to an actor for a long time. I'm always around actors, wow,
And I was trying to make the actor thing work,
but it did not work for me whatsoever. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
You probably have this common bond with somebody if they're
in the same industry as you and you've been through
similar situations and you do it's exactly that word. You
bond over it and then it's like, Oh, they understand
me and I understand them, and I don't know something.
Speaker 1 (29:21):
You get a little fooled, Yeah, you do get.
Speaker 2 (29:23):
I feel like I've been bamboozled in the past.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
Bamboozled.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
That's such a good word.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
You've been so open though, Like with your journey to
love and breakups. How are you feeling about another relationship?
Will you let it be in the public.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
I probably won't until it is, like, you know, I
always talk about the foundation of a relationship, and in
my last two the foundation was built online, like in
front of people, and I just feel like I really
would like to try a different approach this time. And
(30:00):
although I am like, I kind of find myself feeling
guilty about that because I do share so much, and
I do feel like that's part of who I am,
as an open book and sharing everything and not caring
what people think. But when it comes to dating right now,
I just feel like I want to keep it so sacred.
(30:22):
Same thing with my house. I you know, I thought
about doing this big house tour and showing everybody, and
I'm like, I think I'd like to keep my relationship
that part of my heart and my home sacred for
me right now and not open it up to even
though it's so much love and support and joy, there's
(30:42):
a lot of criticism and I'm just like wanting to
just build this healthy foundation first and then I'm sure
eventually I would share, but in this moment right now,
I think I want to keep it myself.
Speaker 1 (30:54):
Yeah. I think your instinct is absolutely right, because all right,
being sharing and being open is such a beautiful, vulnerable
quality that you have. You have to honor that in yourself,
you know.
Speaker 2 (31:09):
Yeah. I just I'm like, I you know, when you
see people online where you're like and then they break
up and you're like what, And it's so shocking because
you like were inspired with them, you look up to them.
And I myself just because like even in my other
relationships that I've shared online, those those things still happened.
There was still those moments that we shared, but there's
(31:31):
always something.
Speaker 1 (31:32):
Absolutely you never know what's going on behind closed doors.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
Yeah, And I just I think that's part of a relationship.
To me, feels like I need to put all beautiful
things out there because I don't know if people want
to even see messy things like that or be like, well,
why are you sharing that, So I feel like, you know,
right now, let's just let's keep it all to ourselves.
Speaker 1 (31:52):
I like that idea, they do. Do you think that
any of your relationship ups and downs have changed your
outlook on marriage in general? Maybe you know, not going
public is a step in the right direction.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
But I just go like I really do. I was
never one of those girls that grew up being like
I can't wait for my wedding day and blah blah.
Like I was always like, oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
Really yeah, yeah, But I think you're like me. You
love love. I love love.
Speaker 2 (32:28):
I do. I am a sucker for it. I really
am a sucker for it too, And so I do.
I do like the idea of marriage. I do like
the idea of having a family. But I don't know
if anything's changed. I feel like I still have the
same like sometimes I think I need to soften up
a little bit on because I do love love. But
I try to be too tough sometimes and my friends
(32:51):
always call me an undercover softy because I act so
hard on the outside with like, yeah, I don't know
if I want to get nearried, But they're like, you
you are a lover, like I am, deep down, and
I just think I've always I don't know. I think
I've always had the same beliefs and thoughts and ideas
of what love is. It's just I think I've maybe
(33:13):
gotten more secure in my own self so I can
like talk about it differently now.
Speaker 1 (33:20):
Yeah. I mean, I'll say this with all sincerity. I
know it's hard because I've been through it all. Yeah,
when you go through all of that heartbreak, though, how
do you choose love again?
Speaker 2 (33:37):
I don't know. I honestly I don't. I wish I
had an answer. I don't know. I feel like I
talked about that this past weekend at this it's like
an intensive It was so beautiful, it was so cool.
It was so scary. It was so messy and great
and lovely.
Speaker 1 (33:53):
That's awesome.
Speaker 2 (33:54):
Yeah, but I did talk about that. I was like,
you'd think the older you get in, the more wisdom,
the more heartbreak and the more lessons, you would feel
more confident going into another relationship. But I actually feel
like I'm more confident in myself and I'm less confident
and more insecure about real love. And I think that's
(34:14):
okay because that's where I'm at right now. And that's
where you're at. Yeah, And I still like, I feel
like I'm always this walking contradiction. I have so many
different thoughts at the same time, so many different beliefs,
so many ideas and things that I go why I
just said the opposite and then I'm saying this, and
I do it all the time. But I'm like, that's
just part of who I am. And I just have
(34:35):
so many different thoughts around relationships and love that I
actually don't know how to answer that question because I
don't know how to believe in it. Again, I just
I do. I just don't know how to explain it
or do it, or I don't know.
Speaker 1 (34:51):
I think you're exactly right. You are in the space
of loving yourself right now, and in our to do that,
you have to be all in, you know, and you
don't need somebody else's opinions or you know, parameters defining
you getting to love yourself. Yeah, I've been there. It
(35:15):
wasn't until I was after my second divorce and i'd
been with him for a long time. We had three
beautiful kids together, and it wasn't until after that that
I started to do the journey and started to do
the work and find who I really was because I
had no idea. And it was in that that I
(35:37):
fell in love with myself finally, and all I wanted
to do was hang out with me yep and like
my dogs and my kids. And then that seemed like
and I know they've said this before, but that is
when it happens.
Speaker 2 (35:53):
Yeah, I believe that. I totally believe that. And I
think I think somebody who's also done the work and
been through their own you know things, is important and
I just feel, yeah, that's I mean, that's shown up
in my life right now. I'm not I'm not not dating.
I'm you know, I've I've I've been consistently on a
(36:16):
date with somebody, and I'm just you know, that's like
as much as people know, and it's it's really like
kind of helping me believe in people. Again. I think
that's also my problem. I think it's not even love.
I think it's humans. I grew up in a such
a loving environment with true friends, and I think real people,
(36:39):
real people, And I think going on TV and being
in a world of social media has rocked my world
with trust issues and using the word bamboozled again, like
where you think you know somebody and their intentions aren't
what you thought, and it's just like it rocks my world.
So I don't even know if it's about love. I
think it's about people. And I'm just like, kind of
what you said, I'm I'm like, how do you leave this? Hi?
Speaker 1 (37:03):
I have a dog with me too right now.
Speaker 2 (37:05):
It's just the best. It's the absolute best. And especially
dogs because my friends and family always laugh at me
because they go Babies, dogs and old people are like
your three favorite things because they can't hurt you. And
I was like, that's so true.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
It's so true. I think that's an okay list of
things people to hang out with.
Speaker 2 (37:24):
And I don't. I don't even stop at dogs. I'm like,
I want a horse now. After this last weekend, I
am destined to have a horse. All the animals. I
just love it.
Speaker 1 (37:33):
That's so great where you live? How's the dating pool?
Speaker 2 (37:44):
Not?
Speaker 1 (37:44):
What's it like out there?
Speaker 2 (37:47):
I've you know, what's so funny is I've so I
live in Nashville and I've never dated, Like, I haven't
been on a date with somebody here. I Nope, we
got to go to New York for that. I feel
like I feel like there's or Canada, good ones in
Canada and New York. Yes, I've only heard through the
grapevine of friends dating in Nashville that it's the worst.
(38:09):
But I'm not sure why.
Speaker 1 (38:12):
I feel like Nashville is the new La, Like it's
a mini La.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
Yeah, I feel like Nashville is starting to do LA
better than LA does LA.
Speaker 1 (38:20):
It's full of La guys. Yeah, full of musicians, two
categories that are yeah, dicey.
Speaker 2 (38:27):
You're right, it's the yeah and everyone's here just to
like live out their dream of being a musician. So, yeah,
I have heard it's rough out there.
Speaker 1 (38:36):
Yeah, I don't envy you. I've already said I if
I have a divorce from my husband now, which I
hope that doesn't happen, I will absolutely live the rest
of my life just with my animals. I fully, I'm
gonna Doris day it just move out of town.
Speaker 2 (38:56):
I honestly, I think about this all the time. I'm
like a ranch in Montana with animals sounds dreams, Yeah,
right up, my alley.
Speaker 1 (39:03):
Absolutely. Okay. You know how patterns repeat themselves in relationships.
After you've been in and out of relationships, good and bad,
you start to recognize patterns and other people like, have
you been able to say, oh, look at this, here
are my patterns.
Speaker 2 (39:22):
Oh yes, Oh, I like I call it being an awareness.
Hell after you do this my therapy, Like it's almost
I'm hyper aware of my patterns and I work on
them so much. But there's it's like ingrained in me,
and it's it's it's wild. But I think it really
does stem from so my parents divorced and then I
(39:45):
lost my best friend. So I think I'm just truly
terrified of loss. And so I find my pattern is
to look for either the other shoe to drop or
an out because I'm always having you know, my guar up,
and I'm waiting for something bad to happen. And I
do feel like I punish myself by doing that. I
(40:07):
find that And you know, it's another funny thing that
I learned from being with a horse this weekend is.
Speaker 1 (40:13):
It sounds so weird, so weird.
Speaker 2 (40:16):
So what I learned from being with a horse is
I was trying to lead this horse. And I pride
myself on like being an animal lover, and I'm like,
horses love me, and so I was trying to walk
this horse and the horse wouldn't go with me, and
she was like, what is coming up for you? And
I'm like, I'm being needy, like impatient and needy where
I'm like, come on, all animals love me, like you
(40:40):
come with me? Like you're embarrassing me. And she was like,
does that come up for you in your life? And
I'm like, I think I have been needy in my past,
and I think the hyper awareness now of that being
a pattern, I'm so the opposite where I'm like, I
find the neediness embarrassing and I don't think it has
(41:01):
to be. It's it's kind of just like about being
aware of it. But it was interesting that that came
up because that's something that I've noticed in my past,
just like even though I'm this independent, strong, you know
all this, but I can be really needy in relationships
and that's when I start to lose myself. So it's
I think that would be a pattern. But most most pattern,
(41:22):
the biggest pattern that keeps patterning for me is probably
the fear of loss and sabotaging it myself.
Speaker 1 (41:28):
Yeah, it's so interesting your story because you said when
you're younger, you experienced these huge losses and then your
life's work has become to you just have been sent
more and more loss. Yes, in these relationships that haven't worked,
And so something is really sending you a very strong
(41:50):
message on what to focus on. Yes, in allowing yourself
that grief.
Speaker 2 (41:55):
Yes, it doesn't have to be so scary, like I can,
I will survive. Yeah, And I keep showing myself that.
But what do they say that? Like, there's some saying
is like what you don't heal will be revealed, or's
something like it's just going to keep showing up until
you heal that part of you and then and then
what I'm like, Well, if that part of me is healed,
(42:15):
I'll just find something else to focus on. Yep, else
to destroy.
Speaker 1 (42:19):
I know there's always going to be work to do ourselves,
I think until our last breath. I sometimes I'm like,
oh my god, I'm so tired of evolving.
Speaker 2 (42:28):
I know it's exhausting, it's exhausting, it's so exacting. I
compare it always to I always try and think of
my body as my home. This is where I'm constantly living.
You want to take care of it, but there's always maintenance.
Something will always be wrong, There's always going to be
something you need to fix.
Speaker 1 (42:44):
Or rebroken wood around the windows, you got to get
it painted.
Speaker 2 (42:48):
Yes, no matter what, there's always something And that's also
a blessing that I have live in a home you
know that I can fix and take care of. And
I have to treat myself like that too.
Speaker 1 (42:59):
Yeah, yep, Okay, you're going to be this big things
coming up for you. You're about to enter your forties
in June. What's the date, June nineteenth? June nineteenth, Yes,
that is a big milestone birthday. What do you hope
to gain in your forties and what do you hope
to leave behind you from your thirties?
Speaker 2 (43:21):
Okay, I hope to I hope to gain a little
more softness because I think I think that's part of
my life lesson is to soften and like even even
you know, when I think of myself, and like you
said at the beginning, and I'm it's like my favorite
(43:43):
compliment if somebody says badass, like that still means that
I can be soft, you know, like that still means
that I can and and not that I'm not. I
really am soft, but like embracing that, and I think
I think I need to let go of the fear
of life, like and that comes in every form, like
I do grief counseling for when my dogs go because
(44:06):
I'm so scared of losing them, Like it's My best
friend said something to me the other day and I was.
Speaker 3 (44:11):
Like, whoa.
Speaker 2 (44:12):
She goes, do you think this is your last life?
And I was like, why do you say that? And
she was like, because I feel like you really are
like trying to find your life purpose and she said,
and you are so sad of like loss and time,
the passage of time. She's like more than most people,
and she lost the same it was our best friend together.
So she she's lost her dad. She said so much
(44:33):
loss too, but she's like, you take it harder than
most people I know. And so I'm like, oh my god,
is it my last life? I have to figure it
all out.
Speaker 1 (44:43):
But I do think that I don't think that has
anything to do with it. It being your last life.
Speaker 2 (44:47):
Well, I'm okay with it if it is, because I
feel like I'm I feel like this is a very
good one and I'm happy with it. And I do
feel like I'm on this like quest and search to
find like the meaning of life. And I love, But
I think I need to With all this therapy I've
done because of the loss, and with seeing every single
time how I get through it, I think I need
(45:09):
to stop focusing it on it so much. It's almost
like I'm manifest loss because I think of it so much.
I think I would like to loosen up a bit
there and maybe leave that in the past and then
gain in my forties. Oh my gosh, I think I
want I think I want to. The simple thing of
(45:29):
I think a lot of people are doing this right
now is say no to the things that like you
don't really want to do.
Speaker 1 (45:35):
Because so hard, so.
Speaker 2 (45:37):
Hard, And I feel like, especially I do the comparison
things sometimes where I'm like, why am I not on
that carpet interviewing people, or why am I not doing this?
Or why am I? And I'm like, I've actually craved
this downtime that I'm in right now for so long,
For I mean so long ten years, I've been like, Okay,
don't go, go, go go. In my forties, I think
(45:58):
I want to just like reap the benefits of the
hard work and still work hard, but like kind of
like take it all in in my.
Speaker 1 (46:04):
Forties appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (46:06):
Yeah, appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (46:07):
Yes, appreciation is the same as gratitude. And I found
so much peace in allowing myself to have gratitude because
there were so many times in my life that I
thought I was in most people's eyes, I've been so
(46:28):
lucky and or you know, I've had this life that
I felt almost ashamed of it.
Speaker 2 (46:35):
Yeah, I understand that. I mean, you you have had
a really beautiful career. You're so talented, and your your
voice is so soothing by the way, like podcasts, I'm like, oh,
it's just like there's something very peaceful about your energy.
But it's yeah, it's it's that's That's a good way
to think about it, as to appreciate all the hard
(46:56):
work and and not that you're you're like, okay, done here,
Like you're podcasting. It's hard work, you know what I mean.
But it's appreciating where you've gotten to and loving what
you do. I think that's another thing, like choose the
things that I love to do. I love podcasting, I
love dogs, I love doing I love sharing stuff on
(47:16):
social media. I really do. I love doing it. I
just I need to cut back on the consuming of it.
But sharing I love.
Speaker 1 (47:23):
Yeah, it's the consuming that gets you.
Speaker 2 (47:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (47:26):
I just I see myself in you so much. I
think because you love so hard, yeah, is the reason
you grieve so hard at a relationship because I know,
for me, I'm the person that hangs on like I'm
the person never wants to break up. And what can
I do? And how can we work on this? How
can we make it better? I know we can fix this.
(47:49):
And because I am a very very hard worker, and
I think if I put my mind to it, I
can fix anything. And so I think that's why it's
so hard for people like us, that the grief and
just how it really hits you hard.
Speaker 2 (48:04):
That's a good point. I don't know if I've ever
put those two together, that when you love hard, the
loss is hard. Like that's that's a good point.
Speaker 1 (48:11):
Are you do?
Speaker 2 (48:12):
You know what you are on the enneagram?
Speaker 1 (48:14):
What's that tell us?
Speaker 2 (48:16):
Oh? You need to do it? So anyagram is actually
so hard to explain. I had like an enneagram expert
on my podcast years ago to it helped me understand it.
But it's basically there's like numbers one through nine like
a personality test.
Speaker 1 (48:30):
Yes, my daughter just told me about this she's settying psychology.
Speaker 2 (48:34):
Yeah, oh cool, that's amazing. Put me in touch with her.
And yeah, I'm a four with a three wing, and
I feel like there's so many similarities between us with that,
Like I would be shocked if you weren't that, because
a four like really has big feelings, very sensitive. That's
(48:55):
just a couple. There's like there's good and bad to
every number, but a three is also like a hard
worker and a go getter and the achiever. And I'm
so a mix of those two things. And I felt
validated and seen when I read those two types of personalities,
because I'm like, why do I think I'm the only
one out there that feels like this. I'm not. There's
(49:16):
so many people that feel the same way. And it
was just it was really validating to read about my numbers.
Speaker 1 (49:22):
Yeah, and what you were saying before, it's so so
so important to remember that one no is a full sentence,
and two you can be strong and still be soft.
Like you said before, two things can exist at the
same time.
Speaker 2 (49:36):
Yes, Like when I need to stop calling myself a
walking contradiction, I'm just like the true definition of maybe
five things being through at the same.
Speaker 1 (49:44):
Time, I feel like you're really curious, You're really curious
about yourself about relationships. Like I've always also said, like
I suck at relationships. I just I can't do this,
Like I am a person that cannot have a healthy
relationship no matter what, because I will do something to
bust it open. Yeah, yeah, the same as and I
(50:07):
don't And just learning that about myself and then I'm
able to sort of step back and watch when it's
happening and like try to turn it around.
Speaker 2 (50:18):
Yes, I have out of body experiences sometimes where I'm like,
I'm doing the thing.
Speaker 1 (50:22):
I'm doing the thing.
Speaker 2 (50:24):
Yeah, And there are like, obviously you found love, and
you know there are people out there that see that
as the beauty that it is. You know what I mean,
that is that's what makes you you.
Speaker 1 (50:38):
Yeah. Yeah, I just it's so important to me to
have somebody that loves all the parts of me. Yes, oh,
my damaged parts, the parts that other people see as
extra or too much.
Speaker 2 (50:52):
Yeah. I mean I watched my mom be too much
all the time, and she's like one of the biggest
inspirations to me.
Speaker 1 (50:59):
Yeah, and now as you get older, like she's not
being too much, she's just being her and that's so amazing.
Speaker 2 (51:04):
Yeah, exactly, she is so and that like I think
she is going to live the longest life because she
just enjoys it so much.
Speaker 1 (51:13):
Yeah, yeah, I hope.
Speaker 2 (51:14):
So.
Speaker 1 (51:16):
Okay, before I let you go, Caitlin Bristow, what was
your last I choose me moment?
Speaker 2 (51:22):
I would? I would say this past weekend where I
I you know, I have a little bit of guilt
because my best friend in the whole world it was
her husband's fortieth birthday and I would have had to
travel to Canada and I had to say no because
I had to choose me and go to this retreat.
That truly just I was like, what more can I
(51:42):
learn about myself? This is so fun? And I learned
so much more about myself this past weekend, and I
just I'm just such a believer in that kind of work.
So I think I really chose me this weekend.
Speaker 1 (51:55):
I love it. I love it. I love you. I
think you're awesome. Thanks so much much, and I just
send you so much positivity and support.
Speaker 2 (52:03):
Same to you. I honestly view there's some sort of
special energy about you, and I mean that. Oh thank you, Yeah,
thank you for having me, I really mean that
Speaker 1 (52:13):
I appreciate it so much.
Host
Jennie Garth
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