June 12, 2025 • 42 mins
Jennie is joined once again by her youngest daughter, and recent high school graduate, Fiona!
This mother-daughter duo is reflecting on everything they’ve both been through in the last 4 years. Fiona is opening up about how she overcame difficult friendship dynamics and dating struggles, while giving out great advice to all teenagers going through it!
Plus, a quick phone call to Jennie’s ex-husband Peter left both of them saying TMI!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garland. Hi, everyone,
welcome to I Choose Me. This podcast is about choices,
and today I'm about to open up the mic to
my daughter and we are going to hear about some
of the choices she found herself making in high school.
(00:24):
And I'm talking fresh off the campus for the last
four years kind of choices. If you listen to the
last episode, you know that my youngest Fiona just graduated
from high school. And wow, what a ride it has been.
Watching her walk across that stage was like watching all
(00:46):
of these just pathways like appear before her. The world
is her oyster, that's what they say. I don't know
why they say that, but they do. Her story. Our
story has been like, it's been messy, it's been powerful,
and it's been real. And here I sit with one
(01:07):
of my favorite people in the world, still trying to
absorb the fact that you're stepping into a new chapter.
I realize that, but I just I have so many questions. So, Fiona,
my beautiful, brave baby bird, thank you for agreeing to
do this.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
Thanks for having me. I'm so excited to talk about it.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
Congrats again. By the way, I can't say it enough.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
You did it, I know I did.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Gosh, when you think back on the last four years,
what's one of the most Like, what's the moment that
really sticks out with you, for better or for worse,
the first thing that comes to your mind, the first thing.
I mean, it depends on how comfortable you are just
being forthright and honest, and it is what.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
It is, honestly. I mean what you said about walking
across the stage. I really felt like that was such
a pivotal moment, Like really walking across it felt slow motion,
It really did. It was so exciting and I was
so nervous. But I feel like it was a culmination
of the four years because honestly, even though I've been
(02:20):
graduated only a couple of weeks, it feels like everything's
a blur. Like looking back, does.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
It feel like you closed the door, like slammed it
shut and.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
Ran exactly like the second I got off the stage.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
Yeah, how did you feel seeing our big, blended family
all there together celebrating you.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
It was really nice to see all you guys. When
I looked out in the crowd, I saw all of
you with your pappers. I could hear you guys very loudly.
It was so nice that all of you guys came together.
It felt like such a foundation for such a big
moment for me. And seeing all of you guys just
being so proud of me, I could really feel it,
(03:02):
and it made me proud of me, and I was
just really happy to see everyone come together in that moment.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Is weird when you see me and your dad together
and then like Dave and Lily, it's a little of it.
Sometimes it's weird.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
Yeah, it's a little weird, but like in a good way.
I feel like it's not any sort of bad, bad
feeling towards it. It makes me really happy to see
all of you guys together because I feel like I'm
lucky enough to have four parents now, and it just
kind of feels like everyone loves me so much that
it just comes together and in a big pool of love.
(03:37):
That's how it feels for me.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
I've been having all my feelings. What if we call
your dad and find out like how he's feeling since
you graduated? Can you call him?
Speaker 2 (03:46):
Should we call him?
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (03:47):
Call him?
Speaker 1 (03:48):
Wait, he never answers my call, so you do it
from your phone.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
Okay, let's see if feel inswer mine. Hi, we are
on podcast right now. I just wanted to Hey, Peter,
mom's here too, right, I'm in the shower.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
Okay, this is gonna be great. Why first of all,
why do you have your phone in the shower?
Speaker 3 (04:14):
I was, I reached out, I'm naked, and I'm well, that's.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
A visual for our listeners.
Speaker 3 (04:21):
That welcome to showering with Peter fashion Elle.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
Oh that you know what that could work. I'm not
gonna lie. Well, Fiona and I are on my podcast
and we are talking about her high school experience and
I was kind of sharing like where I am and
all the emotions that I've kind of ran through and
where I've kind of settled, and we were just wondering, like,
for you, where are you with it? Like such a
(04:47):
big feeling. Yeah, how are you feeling?
Speaker 3 (04:49):
I feel very numb. Honestly, it's been a very numbing experience. Yeah.
I don't know if it's all hit me yet.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
I am.
Speaker 3 (04:59):
It's a fe you know, you're you're our baby, so
you're all growing up and it's a whole new chapter.
And I feel like I don't I don't know how
to feel. I really feel like I haven't fully experienced
all the emotions. I feel like I'm curious how you
you're doing because I want to check on you. I
(05:20):
feel like, are you feeling like lost? Are you feeling
like excited? Are you feeling sad? I mean, I think
it also triggers a lot of emotions. You know, when
I finish a chapter, you know, you kind of feel
a little numb to like you do a little in
a period of not knowing what the next is, you know,
(05:41):
So it kind of I feel all those things coming
maybe from you or maybe from the triggering of when
I finished a chapter on things. So, you know, how
do you feel?
Speaker 2 (05:51):
I feel great, really happy. Honestly, it feels like I'm
just so happy that I don't have to go back
to high school. I feel a little numb too, like
definitely hasn't set in that I'm not going back, you know,
like when summer ends. But I I am actually really
(06:13):
happy and I feel like kind of just at peace.
Like that's how I'm feeling, right, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
That's got to be a good feeling.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
It's really nice, like waking up and not feeling stressed
to do anything, like just kind of having a moment
to just kind of regenerate and I bet. And it's
different from most summers because usually when I when I
when school ends for that year, you always think about, oh,
I'm going back and I have like summer reading to do.
(06:43):
But right now, I just feel like I'm moving on
to the next thing, and although change it feels scary
a little bit like I don't really know what to expect.
I feel like it's going to be good.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
I do.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
Yeah, so you're excited. It's like you're you're feeling free
and excited.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
Yeah, that's how I feel kind of like you.
Speaker 3 (07:07):
Oh I was shower just dripping all over the floor.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
Now I'm getting a visual.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
I think we have to end this conversation.
Speaker 3 (07:16):
Well, thank you for calling and this. I hope this
makes you feel like you can call me anytime anywhere.
I will pick up a phone for you, even.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
On a podcast in ways wet and dripping, I love you.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
Hi. That was a shower.
Speaker 4 (07:32):
That's that's like I need to just kind of have
a moment to scrub my bell. Yeah, okay, Well he's
feeling numb.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
I can get that. Like it's like did that just happen?
Did those four years just happen? And now it's all over.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
Yeah, it really honestly, I was thinking about that, like
everything felt so big in the moment, and then I
graduated and I was like, why did I care that
much about everything?
Speaker 1 (08:00):
That is profound? Like a lot of people don't come
to that realization until much much later in their lives
and their like development. But for you to be able
to see that now, just just looking right back from
graduating from high school, that's huge. And if you can
carry that on to wherever you go and whatever you do,
(08:23):
remind yourself because I think we probably I know, your dad,
I know we talked about like it doesn't really matter.
You're never going to see these people again. Yeah, there
are some friends that you're going to stay in touch with,
but more so, it doesn't matter what anyone, you know, thinks.
I'm just so grateful for the teachers who really saw you,
(08:46):
you know, because you know, it's no joke. It really
does take a village to raise a kid. And I'm
just I was every time you would come home and
talk to me about you had a good experience with
a teacher, or you're learning something and you're excited about
with the lessons, or just the conversations you have after
class or before class with your teachers. Every time that
would happen, I would just be like, like excited, because
(09:09):
that's what I wanted for you the whole time. Yeah,
but it wasn't always the case.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
Yeah, there were a few teachers that I really connected
with that really I really felt like saw me for
like who I was and didn't have like a label
on me or whatever it may be. I felt really
seen by a few, and I really appreciate them looking back.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
Do you feel like some of your teachers helped to
sort of shape you to the person that you are
right now?
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Yeah. I think there was a teacher sophomore year who
I really loved who Miss Alamida, Miss Alameda. I loved her.
She really helped me, and I went back to her
classroom many times, especially at lunches where I was feeling
like emotional or anything like that, I would just talk
with her and and she just really was such a
(10:04):
kind person that I really appreciated having, especially it's such
a hard time.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Yeah, what about you said that certain teachers were kind
of able to not label you or see past the
what presents. Yeah, what do you think was stopping the
other teachers from being able to do that.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
Yeah, I think there was a couple of teachers looking
back that I feel kind of had mislabeled me from
the jump, and I always tried to participate in class,
and there was sometimes when I felt kind of just
overlooked in classes and like they weren't as a whole.
(10:50):
They were just looking at the group as a whole
and not individually, which I feel like is a big thing,
especially in bigger classes where you where it's nice to
feel like you the teacher knows you and see how
hard you're trying, or like how much work you actually
are putting in. But I don't, I mean, it wasn't
that bad, but I think definitely there were some times
(11:11):
where that was what I felt.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
What are some things from your teachers and the other
adults maybe at your school that you'll take with you.
I think your favorite teachers were Miss Almadia.
Speaker 2 (11:27):
Miss Almeida, Miss Colvin, Miss Shelton Michelle. Mister mister was
so fun. He was just a ball of energy.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
He made the learning fun.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
Fun And I was taking an AP class with him,
which is a harder class, and he never made me
feel even when I didn't understand, which is What I
really liked about him is he never made me feel
bad about asking questions and like being curious about the material,
even if the question sounds dumb. He would always say,
there's no such thing as a stupid question. So I
(12:00):
I just felt seen in that class. My other teachers,
they taught me a lot, especially Miss Covin, about social justice.
Even it was a religion class, but it really taught
me about things I didn't even know. I mean, we
had classes about sexual health and all those types of
things that I never learned before. And I think that's
(12:21):
really important that I had that class, especially in a
school where some of those things are overlooked. That was
really helpful to learn about, right because it was.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
A Catholic Catholic school, So that's good that they were
teaching you those things.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
Yeah, and they she didn't look at it through a
lens of like this is bad or whatever. It's just
teaching and the facts and especially asking questions in that
class was really helpful. We had like an anonymous questions thing.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
Wait wait, wait, what was one of your anonymous questions?
So nobody's going to know. I don't even know.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
I asked a lot of anonymous questions all, but I
asked a lot about I didn't know about all the STDs.
There's a lot of them, and there's a lot of
facts about them. I was like, what And so I
would ask a lot of questions about that, like just
in general, like can you get this? Or what what
(13:19):
are the symptoms of this? You know, just asking questions
about that I didn't want people to be like, why
is she asking all these questions?
Speaker 1 (13:25):
I'm asking for a friend.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
Yeah, I just wanted to know.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
So, yeah, it must be that. That's that's a really
good way to do it. How it be anonymous questions?
Speaker 2 (13:34):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (13:35):
What about the teachers that didn't see you and that
sort of did you feel like they put you in
a certain box? Like you said from the jump?
Speaker 2 (13:43):
And then I mean, yeah, there were some classes where
I don't know, I don't want to name names, but
I was being like picked on a lot for being
They would call me stupid or be like.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
Ohoo, who no names, but who called you stupid? A teacher?
Speaker 2 (14:01):
No? No, no, no, no, friends, I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
Down.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
There were times when in the classroom I would feel
like the teachers could hear what was going on, but
they weren't doing anything, especially the comments of like they
would really get to meet some of the comments. And
I would even look at the teachers and they were
fully listening and they wouldn't do anything, and they would
just be like, Oh, it's just kids being kids. And
I think that it is so important for teachers to
(14:29):
pay attention to what is going on because they just don't.
Sometimes they just want to teach the material and they
want to get through the class. But I don't know,
I just felt not supported by some of the teachers
sometimes in that sense, because I feel like I couldn't
go to anyone. And when I met some of my
favorite teachers senior year is when I realized I could
go to adults. But freshman year sophomore year, I didn't.
(14:51):
With the exception of a few, I didn't feel like
I could go to anyone for help.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
That stinks.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
Yeah, it really was hard.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
What kind of comments are we talking about? Like that
would the teacher would overhear and then do nothing about
or say nothing about.
Speaker 2 (15:07):
I mean, mostly jokingly comments. I guess that's what they said.
They were just jokes. Oh it's just a joke, joke,
don't be so sensitive, Just like oh, Fiona, like do
you get this? Or like is this too much for
you to understand? Or just like I would ask a question,
they'd be like what kind of question is that? I would
(15:28):
be like, or if I didn't know the answer, they'd
be like, of course she doesn't know the answer. Just
things like that, like little jabs, little like belittling comments,
oh yeah, which were made by my friends. So it
was hard for me to differentiate jokes and actual like truth.
I think that's still something I struggle with when I'm
around them or when I was around them, is like
(15:49):
do they actually think I'm stupid? Or are they joking?
I don't, I didn't, I still don't know.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Well, don't let that make you feel stupid, because that
just is one of those things. It doesn't matter, and
you're never gonna see them anymore.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
No, that's exactly why I'm so happy to be gratifying.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
Oh my god, I can feel your joy, and it's
like it's contagious. You didn't just survive, you really grew
a lot. And I know that that happens for anybody
in high school. You've got to survive the rough times
and you've got to be open and grow. I think
(16:29):
you know things now that, like I said, some adults
don't even know they haven't learned, and things I'm still learning.
What did you learn about yourself during the times when
things felt most impossible.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
I learned a lot. I feel like they were really
important gears those four years. I feel like you really
grow as a person. I think I learned how strong
I actually am and how much it's important to find
people that make you feel good and make you feel seen,
(17:10):
and to stick with those people you know. In high school,
it's so easy to get wrapped up in the cool
kids or who you know who you want to like you,
But it's important to stay with the people who just
like you for you and be loyal to them, because
I feel like that's really important to put your eggs
in the right baskets and find people that make you
(17:31):
feel good about being yourself. And I think I learned
that it's okay to be emotional and to go through
things and feel things deeply. It's not a weakness, it's
actually a strength that you can have. And don't let
people bring you down, because who really cares what they
(17:53):
think in the long run, I mean, it's your life,
you know.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
So you said earlier. You were told you emotional.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
I've heard that a few times. Same, Yeah, you do,
I get it from you.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
But what do you think of being a person that's
charged with full of emotions.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
I think it's a great thing. I think it's something
to be proud of that you feel things deeply. I mean,
I would rather feel things ten times the normal feeling
than to feel less for people, you know, and if
if something hurts you, it should be okay to feel upset.
Speaker 3 (18:31):
You know.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
It's not over dramatic or over sensitive to be affected
by things, you know. I feel like that was very
looked down upon when things would happen, and you just
don't like roll it off your back, you know. And
that's another thing, like sometimes if someone says something you should,
you know, roll it off your back because who cares
(18:53):
what they think? But it is hard to hear.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
Yeah, so in the moment, in the heated moment, and
like your other peers are around you, and it can
be so like isolating.
Speaker 2 (19:06):
Yeah, isolating.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
I remember you quite a number of times calling me
which you're not supposed to go from school, calling me
from like the bathroom or the girl's locker room or something. Yeah,
and just having to have a moment of like coming undone.
Speaker 2 (19:32):
Yeah, I would not go back to that if you
paid me so much money.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
So I don't want to give you bad I really
just had.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
No Yeah, there were a lot of times like that.
I know a lot of girls too who have had that.
I've met girls and we've talked about it. There's just
one bathroom at school. We like talked about how that's
the bathroom you go and you cry and you call.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
Your mom crying bathroom.
Speaker 2 (19:53):
Yeah. Yeah, I think the tenants ladies didn't like me
very much because I was always sick.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
Is that you took a few you took mental health
days to a whole other level.
Speaker 2 (20:04):
I think they like should like frame my picture or
something with.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
All the notes we didn't give them to uh correct
your absences. When you look back on freshman year Fiona,
with that little freshman year Fiona to the Fiona you
are right now, what are the biggest differences that you
see in yourself?
Speaker 2 (20:27):
So many? But I really just want to talk to her,
like i've I really just want to sit down with
her because she was so I mean, I love her,
but she was I like to say, beautifully naive, because
she just looked for the good and everything she didn't
was I don't think she was ever exposed to what
(20:49):
I had to be exposed to, but yeah, she I
think one of the biggest differences is like my sense
of self and what I will put up with. And
I used to do this thing. I don't know if
this is like a normal thing, but I used to
like act dumber than I was, just because that was
what people thought I was. And I just want to
(21:12):
tell her, like, you're so smart and so strong and
you don't need to like dumb yourself down.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
I can't lift my arms right now, but oh my god,
I'm cheering. Yes, Fiona, Yes, preach. That's it. Don't dumb
yourself down for anybody. We have we talked about that,
like in private. I don't know, maybe probably, yeah, because
that's a thing. That's a thing that I've done. That's it.
(21:42):
I don't know why copings like a survival tactic.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Like I just want to know why, Like why do
we do that?
Speaker 1 (21:49):
Well, good thing, You're gonna go study psychology.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
Yeah, I'm just so excited. That's why I'm doing it.
Speaker 1 (21:54):
Why you come back to me with that information? Yeah,
don't dumb yourself down, don't dim or light, don't not
speak up and have a voice. That little Fiona, I
just want to hug her.
Speaker 2 (22:08):
Yeah, she needed a hug.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
We do a lot of talk about like thinking about
that little girl inside of you, and you know, at
your age, it seems kind of silly and like, okay, mom,
yeah I'll do that. But did you find yourself able
to kind of connect with that girl in those times?
Speaker 2 (22:27):
Yeah? I mean I've been trying to do that more definitely.
I think it's really important to be gentle with your
younger self and not be so hard on her, even
though she made questionable decisions. Sometimes it's important to, you know,
hold space for her and just accept that. And that
(22:49):
actually helped you to get to where you are now.
So be grateful for that version of yourself that is
no longer there.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
So if someone were to give you a hard time now,
try to put you in the dumb box.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
Oh, I'm not putting up with it anymore. I think
there's definitely parts of me that at first they're like okay,
just like yeah, I am, you know, But then I
think I'm I'm strong enough now to be like, don't
talk to me like that that you don't get to
talk to me like that, you know, And some I
used to get mad at you. I remember, I'm sorry
to get mad at you when you would get when
(23:27):
you would stand up for yourself, like when you were
when you were, for example, like a road rage, Like
when you were on the road and somebody would you
do have a when like somebody would say something mean
to you and you were like no, like, don't talk
to me like that, and you would get all riled up.
I'd be like, Mom, calm down.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
Like always you want to backt like that, mom to
embarrass me?
Speaker 2 (23:48):
Yeah, but honestly, like that's that is what you have
to do like that. You don't put up with that crap.
No you don't. So I'm actually proud of you now,
and I'd like to be more like that.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
Hey, see what you did there? See what I did there?
Taught you something he did when it came to that relationship,
you know, the one I'm talking about. Everybody around us
knows the one I'm talking about. What do you think
finally helped you walk away? I know how how hard
(24:25):
that was for you, and I also know how powerful
you had to become to make that choice, like, if
you feel ready, I'd love for you to sort of
speak to that from your perspective.
Speaker 2 (24:40):
Yeah, you know, it was really hard to go through,
especially at that age. I met that guy when I
was a freshman, the first kind of movie night we had,
like the first time, Yeah, the first he was the
first guy saw. I remember it like, I was like
I like him, Like I was like that something was
set a on him and I don't know why that happened.
(25:03):
I feel like now I can look back and think
like that was a lesson, like that was put into
that place because I needed to learn this. It took
a long time, but I needed to learn that. And yeah,
it was very tumultuous, very like an emotional rollercoaster for
four years, and it really affected the way people saw me,
(25:26):
not only how you felt and the way I saw me, yes, yea,
which is the most important, but it did affect the
way everyone saw me, which made everyone treat me differently.
And you know, I wish I didn't have to go
through it, but I really think I learned a big, big,
big lesson. I think it really taught me moving forward,
what I will put up with and what I won't
(25:47):
put up with, so I'm actually grateful for it. I
don't think I was the best version of myself, so
I can take accountability. When you're with someone like that,
it can bring out the worst in you, and I
think I definitely saw that. I saw the worst version
of myself that I could be, and I didn't like her,
and so that was really hard because I didn't like
(26:08):
myself at all, and so I think that's what really
made me leave after a long time of going back
and back and back, but really the last time I
left it was because I just couldn't stand who I
was because it just made me so just the worst
version of myself. So yeah, I think that's what pushed
(26:30):
me to leave, and knowing that I deserve better, and also,
I will say connection from family and friends who saw
me and loved me, I think really helped me get
through that because I felt very alone at times. So
when I was with people who I knew loved me
for me and I saw that version, I saw that
(26:51):
little girl who I am come out, I was like,
I want to be happy, I want to be me.
So I think I chose me and I finally just
put that in the past. And I also think leaving
high school is you know, really closing the chapter. But
it's definitely hard.
Speaker 1 (27:10):
Definitely hard. What would you say to a freshman who's
going into high school who maybe spots a guy and
thinks he's the one.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
Don't put your eggs on one basket. That's what I
will say, like straight out of the gate. Don't do that. Yeah,
just make good friends, surround yourself with people who share
your same passions and interests and see you and be
you know, cautious and and don't don't accept anything less
(27:44):
than what you deserve.
Speaker 1 (27:45):
I think, how do you find those those your people? Though?
How do you find those people that see you in
a sea of how many? How many people were in
your class? A lot?
Speaker 2 (27:54):
I don't even know, maybe like four hundred, I think, Yeah,
I would say I didn't really find I mean, with
the exception of a few, I didn't really find my
people in high school. I think that's because I didn't have,
you know, a major sport that I was in or
a club I wasn't very well I did, but I quit.
Speaker 1 (28:14):
So you were you were in soccer the first year?
Speaker 2 (28:17):
Yeah, and then I quit. Yeah. So I think even
if it's not a sport, if you're not into sports,
a club or you know, sitting with different people and
exploring different options. And I was really caught up in
the cool group, like who are the popular kids? You know?
And that was always on my mind, like I have
to go sit with them. Even if I met like
(28:38):
a really cool girl in like my English class, I'd
be like, you're cool, But I have to go sit
with the people that don't actually like me because I
want them to like me.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
You know, that's so ridiculous.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
It is ridiculous, but I feel like it's honestly something
everyone goes through. But I would say a freshman just
to find, like someone who's going into high school, just
you know, explore different groups and find the people that
make you feel the best and stick with them.
Speaker 1 (29:02):
Mm hmm yeah, like get curious instead of just being
handed what comes your way, Like step out of that
and get curious about like what are my other options
around this place?
Speaker 2 (29:14):
Yeah, there's so many people. And on graduation day, people's
names were being called and I was like, who is that,
Like I don't I didn't even know. And I was
like they could have been really cool, and I never
got to get to know them because I was too
stuck in my own world, and I think stepping out
of that can really be beneficial, especially when you feel isolated.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
Do you think you missed out on some opportunities?
Speaker 2 (29:36):
Yeah, I do. I mean I did joins like cheer
and things.
Speaker 1 (29:41):
Weren't even the Divorced Kids club I was.
Speaker 2 (29:44):
I don't think I went to a meeting, but I
signed up for that one.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
I didn't know you weren't. It was frowned upon, so
you you didn't.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
I also like signed up for a bunch of different clubs,
but actually never went to the meetings. Just so I
think really going just experiencing. If you don't like it,
then don't go back. But I never even went, so
I think you should go and just have like one
meeting at lunch with somebody.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
You know. That seems odd behavior from you, just knowing
you so well and knowing how you love meeting new
people and you love talking to people and you're so curious.
It might you know, it pains me to know like
how trapped inside yourself you were.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
Yeah, that's what I was saying, Like I didn't even
recognize myself. I didn't want to know anybody else except
for the people that were treating me the worst, which
is what is that? So I think there was some
sort of prize. We've talked about this where I felt like,
if I could get them to like me, I won,
you know. With the guy felt like either he was
(30:49):
hot commodities, so I was like, if I could get
him to like me, I'm I'm you know, I'm that
girl or whatever. But I don't looking back, that.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
Was just so stupid, Like it's sort of this like
kind of need to win or to conquer or something
like we've talked about that because I possessed that to
a very competitive not with outside, just competitive with my
own self and like I got to do that. Yeah,
that seems like something I can't do. I'm gonna do it.
Speaker 2 (31:19):
I'm going to prove to myself and others I can't
do that.
Speaker 1 (31:22):
You know, maybe you shouldn't have had to prove yourself
with that regard.
Speaker 2 (31:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
Oh man, Okay, Well let's talk about the mom hard
for a second. Were there times when you felt like
I wasn't fully there for you or were there times
when I was there for you way too much? I
(31:50):
mean I'm sure yes to both of those.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
Yes to both of those. I feel like sometimes I
push you away. A lot of times I push you
away because I felt I needed to handle it all
on my own. And then sometimes I really just needed
a hug. But that was also my fault because I
didn't tell anybody what was going on. So I think, honestly,
you did a great job. I think, especially in the
(32:14):
last two years, I started opening up more to you.
I don't know if you felt that, but I just
felt really supported by you the last two years. The
first two years I just wanted to do it all
my own, So it really was not your fault.
Speaker 1 (32:26):
What do you think was the shift? I think.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
I think I don't know what it was, but I
feel like the summer going into junior year, I didn't
talk to anybody from my school. I had my best
friend outside of school who really helped me, and yeah,
I love her, and that really changed how I felt
about priorities and who I'm going to give my energy to.
(32:53):
And I felt like I really needed to give my
energy to my family that I feel like I need
to lean on you guys in that time and my
best friend, so I think that would just became more
important to me. So I think that's when I started
talking to you, especially after I got out of the relationship.
I think I was more open to sharing what happened,
because when you're in a relationship, you don't want to
(33:15):
talk about the bad things you do because then you're
not going to like him, you know, right, you.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
Don't want me to not like him. I want to
change your mind tomorrow, exactly.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
I wanted you to like him, so I just protected
him at all costs and made him seem like the
best boyfriend, the best person, when really it was tearing
me down emotionally inside and just really hard. I just
wanted to paint the best picture of what was going on.
So I think after that ended, I was more open
(33:43):
to sharing, and I feel like we connected more after that.
Speaker 1 (33:47):
Yeah, I'm so glad you started talking to me, because
a mom can always feel it, see it, know, when
their kid is struggling. You know, you see it in
different ways, and you see it and things that aren't
said as much as the things that are said. And
I don't know about you, but I mean, I feel
(34:10):
so grateful that you made it through that, specifically that relationship,
that you learned all about the person you didn't want
to be. Yeah, Okay, Well, looking ahead, What is it
(34:30):
during this time of transition into college that you would
like to see from me or what would you like
me to do differently? And I'm just opening this up
for conversation. Well, you're really excited.
Speaker 2 (34:48):
I mean, I think you do.
Speaker 1 (34:50):
A great job.
Speaker 2 (34:50):
Honestly, I'll give that to you. I think you're very
easy to talk to, easy to come to with my problems,
and I don't think you try to control me at all.
I mean I am technically an adult, just saying, but
I think going into college, I'll probably want to come
home a lot, especially since i'll be closed.
Speaker 1 (35:12):
Oh no, that's that's bad because I'm going to use
your room as a gym.
Speaker 2 (35:16):
No, you're not to keep it exactly as it is. No, Yeah,
I feel like just being a supportive person like you are.
I don't think there's anything you need to change honestly
as of right now.
Speaker 1 (35:30):
No, no curfew alternation.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
You could yeah, maybe like one am.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
What do you think a reasonable curfew is for somebody
in high school and then somebody that's just graduated fromigh.
Speaker 2 (35:42):
School, well senior in high school. I mean a lot
of my friends don't even have curfews.
Speaker 1 (35:46):
What's up with that.
Speaker 2 (35:47):
I just don't think it's like a thing anymore. I
really have never heard the word curfew in a couple
of months. I don't think people are like, oh, my curfew,
I have to be home. I think they just like
you say that kind of kind of yeah. But honestly,
I think people just know when to be home. I
mean the people I hang out with her, like, I
want to be home at this time. I want to
(36:09):
be home, like in my bed, you know. But I
feel like a reasonable curfew for like I don't know,
like twelve twelve one.
Speaker 1 (36:16):
Oh, I love you so much, twelve, let's twelve thirty
about it?
Speaker 2 (36:20):
Yeah, but now I'm feeling like one thirty.
Speaker 1 (36:23):
Okay, well you can come back. Let's circle back on that.
Let's put a pin in that. Okay, But seriously, no,
what did I always tell you?
Speaker 2 (36:32):
Nothing good happens after I don't even know what time you.
Speaker 1 (36:35):
Said, but you are listening one midnight.
Speaker 2 (36:37):
Oh I thought you said one.
Speaker 1 (36:40):
No, nothing good ever happens in LA after midnight.
Speaker 2 (36:44):
That's so true, though, It true, it really is. But
like I just keep going out past twelve and then
like being like, oh wait, mom says she was right.
Speaker 1 (36:52):
This is I'm not having fun all of a sudden. Huh. Okay,
so you've graduated from high school. You are in the
in between space between high school and going off to
college in the fall. What do you feel as a
family member your role is during this time? Because I
know if I were to put myself in your shoes,
I would be like, Whooo, I've got to party it
(37:13):
up with all my friends that I probably am not
going to see again for a very long time. They're
going off to different colleges, and I just want to
hang out my friends and go to the beach and
have fun.
Speaker 2 (37:23):
Yeah, that's basically how I'm feeling.
Speaker 1 (37:25):
Yeah, you know, what does choosing yourself mean to you? Now?
After everything you've walked through, I've watched you claim your power,
and I want to know what it feels like from
your perspective. What does choosing yourself truly mean to you now?
Speaker 2 (37:42):
I think it just means thinking about what you need
in that moment. And I know that sounds selfish, but
it isn't, because you putting yourself first in a conscious
way about what is going to make me feel better
and what is going to make me feel more aligned
with who I am more so I think, yeah, just
doing things that make you feel happy and not trying
(38:06):
to please everybody else, and taking moments to really think.
Speaker 1 (38:10):
About what you need in that moment.
Speaker 2 (38:11):
Check in with your Yeah, just check in and you know,
think about what you need in that moment.
Speaker 1 (38:20):
What are you most excited about as you go off
to college.
Speaker 2 (38:25):
I'm so excited to meet a brand new bunch of
new people and to have new experiences, to learn new things.
I think having some sort of like independence. Also like
living in my own dorm and decorating it and making
sure that I get to the you know, the gym
in my classes on time. I'm just excited to have
(38:46):
like a sense of independence, I think. And yeah, I
would say the most exciting thing to me is like
meeting new people and picking the right people that that
I feel the best around.
Speaker 1 (39:00):
M hmm. How are you gonna know?
Speaker 2 (39:02):
I don't know yet, but I feel like i'll know.
I feel like I've met good friends and I have
good friends right now. I'll be like I feel good
around this person, and just like it's a feeling You're like, oh,
I like being around this person, like they're a cool person,
and not in the way that you want to, you know,
impress them or like suck up to them, but just
like I like being around you and it feels.
Speaker 1 (39:22):
Natural and fun and easy. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (39:24):
So I want to find people that I just can
talk to and listen to, you know, and have fun with.
Speaker 1 (39:32):
I mean speaking of talking too and listening to people.
Should we tell? Do you want to tell the audience?
Like we can give a little little sneaky peaky we
could do that into what's about to happen? You do it?
You do it well.
Speaker 2 (39:51):
I'm going to be starting my own podcast with my heart. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
That's that's a big applause. That's this is huge.
Speaker 2 (40:04):
I'm so excited.
Speaker 1 (40:05):
We don't know what it's going to be called yet, Nope. Okay,
when it's going to be out, Nope.
Speaker 2 (40:12):
I just know I'm excited to talk about what I've
been through and kind of help others to feel seen,
other people my age to feel seen. I feel like
I've felt isolated and I feel like when I was
in those times, I was like, no one is going
through what I'm going through, And I just want to
offer a space where you can feel, you know, like
(40:33):
people understand, like I understand what you're going through. You know,
so that's going to be really good for a lot
of excited I hope, I hope people really take what
they need out of it and really enjoy it.
Speaker 1 (40:45):
Okay, well, miss Fiona Patinally before I let you go,
what was your last I Choose me moment?
Speaker 2 (40:54):
Hmm okay, well my last actually, my last I choose
me moment was this morning? Okay, yeah, this morning and
I woke up around like nine and I read I
think like three chapters, which is a lot, three chapters
of my book that I'm really loving right now.
Speaker 1 (41:11):
What's the book.
Speaker 2 (41:12):
It's called How to Love Better. I think it's Young
POI blowers, Yes, yes, it's great, so good. I love
this chapter that I just read. The last one I
just read this morning, called Leaving Things in the Past.
I was like, this is perfect, and I think that
really helped me set the tone for my day instead
of just getting on my phone like I usually do.
I just felt like I really reflected on what I read,
(41:34):
So I think I really chose myself in that moment.
Speaker 1 (41:37):
What was your takeaway from that chapter?
Speaker 2 (41:38):
I oh, okay, I wanted to talk about this. It
said in like the last part of the chapter, this
quote about how life is like a moving river, and
how things are supposed to flow through you and you're
not supposed to cling on or have attachment to things
because that can lead to suffering. And I think just
(41:59):
thinking of life like a river, like this is a
great moment, but it's going to pass, and being in
the present moment because that moment is only one moment,
you know. So I think really enjoying every day to
the fullest potential you can. You are a genius. I
love you, I love you.
Speaker 1 (42:17):
Thank you for coming on the podcast. And this is
how I feel about you.
You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garland. Hi, everyone,
welcome to I Choose Me. This podcast is about choices,
and today I'm about to open up the mic to
my daughter and we are going to hear about some
of the choices she found herself making in high school.
(00:24):
And I'm talking fresh off the campus for the last
four years kind of choices. If you listen to the
last episode, you know that my youngest Fiona just graduated
from high school. And wow, what a ride it has been.
Watching her walk across that stage was like watching all
(00:46):
of these just pathways like appear before her. The world
is her oyster, that's what they say. I don't know
why they say that, but they do. Her story. Our
story has been like, it's been messy, it's been powerful,
and it's been real. And here I sit with one
(01:07):
of my favorite people in the world, still trying to
absorb the fact that you're stepping into a new chapter.
I realize that, but I just I have so many questions. So, Fiona,
my beautiful, brave baby bird, thank you for agreeing to
do this.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
Thanks for having me. I'm so excited to talk about it.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
Congrats again. By the way, I can't say it enough.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
You did it, I know I did.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Gosh, when you think back on the last four years,
what's one of the most Like, what's the moment that
really sticks out with you, for better or for worse,
the first thing that comes to your mind, the first thing.
I mean, it depends on how comfortable you are just
being forthright and honest, and it is what.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
It is, honestly. I mean what you said about walking
across the stage. I really felt like that was such
a pivotal moment, Like really walking across it felt slow motion,
It really did. It was so exciting and I was
so nervous. But I feel like it was a culmination
of the four years because honestly, even though I've been
(02:20):
graduated only a couple of weeks, it feels like everything's
a blur. Like looking back, does.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
It feel like you closed the door, like slammed it
shut and.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
Ran exactly like the second I got off the stage.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
Yeah, how did you feel seeing our big, blended family
all there together celebrating you.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
It was really nice to see all you guys. When
I looked out in the crowd, I saw all of
you with your pappers. I could hear you guys very loudly.
It was so nice that all of you guys came together.
It felt like such a foundation for such a big
moment for me. And seeing all of you guys just
being so proud of me, I could really feel it,
(03:02):
and it made me proud of me, and I was
just really happy to see everyone come together in that moment.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Is weird when you see me and your dad together
and then like Dave and Lily, it's a little of it.
Sometimes it's weird.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
Yeah, it's a little weird, but like in a good way.
I feel like it's not any sort of bad, bad
feeling towards it. It makes me really happy to see
all of you guys together because I feel like I'm
lucky enough to have four parents now, and it just
kind of feels like everyone loves me so much that
it just comes together and in a big pool of love.
(03:37):
That's how it feels for me.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
I've been having all my feelings. What if we call
your dad and find out like how he's feeling since
you graduated? Can you call him?
Speaker 2 (03:46):
Should we call him?
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (03:47):
Call him?
Speaker 1 (03:48):
Wait, he never answers my call, so you do it
from your phone.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
Okay, let's see if feel inswer mine. Hi, we are
on podcast right now. I just wanted to Hey, Peter,
mom's here too, right, I'm in the shower.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
Okay, this is gonna be great. Why first of all,
why do you have your phone in the shower?
Speaker 3 (04:14):
I was, I reached out, I'm naked, and I'm well, that's.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
A visual for our listeners.
Speaker 3 (04:21):
That welcome to showering with Peter fashion Elle.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
Oh that you know what that could work. I'm not
gonna lie. Well, Fiona and I are on my podcast
and we are talking about her high school experience and
I was kind of sharing like where I am and
all the emotions that I've kind of ran through and
where I've kind of settled, and we were just wondering, like,
for you, where are you with it? Like such a
(04:47):
big feeling. Yeah, how are you feeling?
Speaker 3 (04:49):
I feel very numb. Honestly, it's been a very numbing experience. Yeah.
I don't know if it's all hit me yet.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
I am.
Speaker 3 (04:59):
It's a fe you know, you're you're our baby, so
you're all growing up and it's a whole new chapter.
And I feel like I don't I don't know how
to feel. I really feel like I haven't fully experienced
all the emotions. I feel like I'm curious how you
you're doing because I want to check on you. I
(05:20):
feel like, are you feeling like lost? Are you feeling
like excited? Are you feeling sad? I mean, I think
it also triggers a lot of emotions. You know, when
I finish a chapter, you know, you kind of feel
a little numb to like you do a little in
a period of not knowing what the next is, you know,
(05:41):
So it kind of I feel all those things coming
maybe from you or maybe from the triggering of when
I finished a chapter on things. So, you know, how
do you feel?
Speaker 2 (05:51):
I feel great, really happy. Honestly, it feels like I'm
just so happy that I don't have to go back
to high school. I feel a little numb too, like
definitely hasn't set in that I'm not going back, you know,
like when summer ends. But I I am actually really
(06:13):
happy and I feel like kind of just at peace.
Like that's how I'm feeling, right, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
That's got to be a good feeling.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
It's really nice, like waking up and not feeling stressed
to do anything, like just kind of having a moment
to just kind of regenerate and I bet. And it's
different from most summers because usually when I when I
when school ends for that year, you always think about, oh,
I'm going back and I have like summer reading to do.
(06:43):
But right now, I just feel like I'm moving on
to the next thing, and although change it feels scary
a little bit like I don't really know what to expect.
I feel like it's going to be good.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
I do.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
Yeah, so you're excited. It's like you're you're feeling free
and excited.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
Yeah, that's how I feel kind of like you.
Speaker 3 (07:07):
Oh I was shower just dripping all over the floor.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
Now I'm getting a visual.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
I think we have to end this conversation.
Speaker 3 (07:16):
Well, thank you for calling and this. I hope this
makes you feel like you can call me anytime anywhere.
I will pick up a phone for you, even.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
On a podcast in ways wet and dripping, I love you.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
Hi. That was a shower.
Speaker 4 (07:32):
That's that's like I need to just kind of have
a moment to scrub my bell. Yeah, okay, Well he's
feeling numb.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
I can get that. Like it's like did that just happen?
Did those four years just happen? And now it's all over.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
Yeah, it really honestly, I was thinking about that, like
everything felt so big in the moment, and then I
graduated and I was like, why did I care that
much about everything?
Speaker 1 (08:00):
That is profound? Like a lot of people don't come
to that realization until much much later in their lives
and their like development. But for you to be able
to see that now, just just looking right back from
graduating from high school, that's huge. And if you can
carry that on to wherever you go and whatever you do,
(08:23):
remind yourself because I think we probably I know, your dad,
I know we talked about like it doesn't really matter.
You're never going to see these people again. Yeah, there
are some friends that you're going to stay in touch with,
but more so, it doesn't matter what anyone, you know, thinks.
I'm just so grateful for the teachers who really saw you,
(08:46):
you know, because you know, it's no joke. It really
does take a village to raise a kid. And I'm
just I was every time you would come home and
talk to me about you had a good experience with
a teacher, or you're learning something and you're excited about
with the lessons, or just the conversations you have after
class or before class with your teachers. Every time that
would happen, I would just be like, like excited, because
(09:09):
that's what I wanted for you the whole time. Yeah,
but it wasn't always the case.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
Yeah, there were a few teachers that I really connected
with that really I really felt like saw me for
like who I was and didn't have like a label
on me or whatever it may be. I felt really
seen by a few, and I really appreciate them looking back.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
Do you feel like some of your teachers helped to
sort of shape you to the person that you are
right now?
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Yeah. I think there was a teacher sophomore year who
I really loved who Miss Alamida, Miss Alameda. I loved her.
She really helped me, and I went back to her
classroom many times, especially at lunches where I was feeling
like emotional or anything like that, I would just talk
with her and and she just really was such a
(10:04):
kind person that I really appreciated having, especially it's such
a hard time.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Yeah, what about you said that certain teachers were kind
of able to not label you or see past the
what presents. Yeah, what do you think was stopping the
other teachers from being able to do that.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
Yeah, I think there was a couple of teachers looking
back that I feel kind of had mislabeled me from
the jump, and I always tried to participate in class,
and there was sometimes when I felt kind of just
overlooked in classes and like they weren't as a whole.
(10:50):
They were just looking at the group as a whole
and not individually, which I feel like is a big thing,
especially in bigger classes where you where it's nice to
feel like you the teacher knows you and see how
hard you're trying, or like how much work you actually
are putting in. But I don't, I mean, it wasn't
that bad, but I think definitely there were some times
(11:11):
where that was what I felt.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
What are some things from your teachers and the other
adults maybe at your school that you'll take with you.
I think your favorite teachers were Miss Almadia.
Speaker 2 (11:27):
Miss Almeida, Miss Colvin, Miss Shelton Michelle. Mister mister was
so fun. He was just a ball of energy.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
He made the learning fun.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
Fun And I was taking an AP class with him,
which is a harder class, and he never made me
feel even when I didn't understand, which is What I
really liked about him is he never made me feel
bad about asking questions and like being curious about the material,
even if the question sounds dumb. He would always say,
there's no such thing as a stupid question. So I
(12:00):
I just felt seen in that class. My other teachers,
they taught me a lot, especially Miss Covin, about social justice.
Even it was a religion class, but it really taught
me about things I didn't even know. I mean, we
had classes about sexual health and all those types of
things that I never learned before. And I think that's
(12:21):
really important that I had that class, especially in a
school where some of those things are overlooked. That was
really helpful to learn about, right because it was.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
A Catholic Catholic school, So that's good that they were
teaching you those things.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
Yeah, and they she didn't look at it through a
lens of like this is bad or whatever. It's just
teaching and the facts and especially asking questions in that
class was really helpful. We had like an anonymous questions thing.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
Wait wait, wait, what was one of your anonymous questions?
So nobody's going to know. I don't even know.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
I asked a lot of anonymous questions all, but I
asked a lot about I didn't know about all the STDs.
There's a lot of them, and there's a lot of
facts about them. I was like, what And so I
would ask a lot of questions about that, like just
in general, like can you get this? Or what what
(13:19):
are the symptoms of this? You know, just asking questions
about that I didn't want people to be like, why
is she asking all these questions?
Speaker 1 (13:25):
I'm asking for a friend.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
Yeah, I just wanted to know.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
So, yeah, it must be that. That's that's a really
good way to do it. How it be anonymous questions?
Speaker 2 (13:34):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (13:35):
What about the teachers that didn't see you and that
sort of did you feel like they put you in
a certain box? Like you said from the jump?
Speaker 2 (13:43):
And then I mean, yeah, there were some classes where
I don't know, I don't want to name names, but
I was being like picked on a lot for being
They would call me stupid or be like.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
Ohoo, who no names, but who called you stupid? A teacher?
Speaker 2 (14:01):
No? No, no, no, no, friends, I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
Down.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
There were times when in the classroom I would feel
like the teachers could hear what was going on, but
they weren't doing anything, especially the comments of like they
would really get to meet some of the comments. And
I would even look at the teachers and they were
fully listening and they wouldn't do anything, and they would
just be like, Oh, it's just kids being kids. And
I think that it is so important for teachers to
(14:29):
pay attention to what is going on because they just don't.
Sometimes they just want to teach the material and they
want to get through the class. But I don't know,
I just felt not supported by some of the teachers
sometimes in that sense, because I feel like I couldn't
go to anyone. And when I met some of my
favorite teachers senior year is when I realized I could
go to adults. But freshman year sophomore year, I didn't.
(14:51):
With the exception of a few, I didn't feel like
I could go to anyone for help.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
That stinks.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
Yeah, it really was hard.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
What kind of comments are we talking about? Like that
would the teacher would overhear and then do nothing about
or say nothing about.
Speaker 2 (15:07):
I mean, mostly jokingly comments. I guess that's what they said.
They were just jokes. Oh it's just a joke, joke,
don't be so sensitive, Just like oh, Fiona, like do
you get this? Or like is this too much for
you to understand? Or just like I would ask a question,
they'd be like what kind of question is that? I would
(15:28):
be like, or if I didn't know the answer, they'd
be like, of course she doesn't know the answer. Just
things like that, like little jabs, little like belittling comments,
oh yeah, which were made by my friends. So it
was hard for me to differentiate jokes and actual like truth.
I think that's still something I struggle with when I'm
around them or when I was around them, is like
(15:49):
do they actually think I'm stupid? Or are they joking?
I don't, I didn't, I still don't know.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Well, don't let that make you feel stupid, because that
just is one of those things. It doesn't matter, and
you're never gonna see them anymore.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
No, that's exactly why I'm so happy to be gratifying.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
Oh my god, I can feel your joy, and it's
like it's contagious. You didn't just survive, you really grew
a lot. And I know that that happens for anybody
in high school. You've got to survive the rough times
and you've got to be open and grow. I think
(16:29):
you know things now that, like I said, some adults
don't even know they haven't learned, and things I'm still learning.
What did you learn about yourself during the times when
things felt most impossible.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
I learned a lot. I feel like they were really
important gears those four years. I feel like you really
grow as a person. I think I learned how strong
I actually am and how much it's important to find
people that make you feel good and make you feel seen,
(17:10):
and to stick with those people you know. In high school,
it's so easy to get wrapped up in the cool
kids or who you know who you want to like you,
But it's important to stay with the people who just
like you for you and be loyal to them, because
I feel like that's really important to put your eggs
in the right baskets and find people that make you
(17:31):
feel good about being yourself. And I think I learned
that it's okay to be emotional and to go through
things and feel things deeply. It's not a weakness, it's
actually a strength that you can have. And don't let
people bring you down, because who really cares what they
(17:53):
think in the long run, I mean, it's your life,
you know.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
So you said earlier. You were told you emotional.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
I've heard that a few times. Same, Yeah, you do,
I get it from you.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
But what do you think of being a person that's
charged with full of emotions.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
I think it's a great thing. I think it's something
to be proud of that you feel things deeply. I mean,
I would rather feel things ten times the normal feeling
than to feel less for people, you know, and if
if something hurts you, it should be okay to feel upset.
Speaker 3 (18:31):
You know.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
It's not over dramatic or over sensitive to be affected
by things, you know. I feel like that was very
looked down upon when things would happen, and you just
don't like roll it off your back, you know. And
that's another thing, like sometimes if someone says something you should,
you know, roll it off your back because who cares
(18:53):
what they think? But it is hard to hear.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
Yeah, so in the moment, in the heated moment, and
like your other peers are around you, and it can
be so like isolating.
Speaker 2 (19:06):
Yeah, isolating.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
I remember you quite a number of times calling me
which you're not supposed to go from school, calling me
from like the bathroom or the girl's locker room or something. Yeah,
and just having to have a moment of like coming undone.
Speaker 2 (19:32):
Yeah, I would not go back to that if you
paid me so much money.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
So I don't want to give you bad I really
just had.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
No Yeah, there were a lot of times like that.
I know a lot of girls too who have had that.
I've met girls and we've talked about it. There's just
one bathroom at school. We like talked about how that's
the bathroom you go and you cry and you call.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
Your mom crying bathroom.
Speaker 2 (19:53):
Yeah. Yeah, I think the tenants ladies didn't like me
very much because I was always sick.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
Is that you took a few you took mental health
days to a whole other level.
Speaker 2 (20:04):
I think they like should like frame my picture or
something with.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
All the notes we didn't give them to uh correct
your absences. When you look back on freshman year Fiona,
with that little freshman year Fiona to the Fiona you
are right now, what are the biggest differences that you
see in yourself?
Speaker 2 (20:27):
So many? But I really just want to talk to her,
like i've I really just want to sit down with
her because she was so I mean, I love her,
but she was I like to say, beautifully naive, because
she just looked for the good and everything she didn't
was I don't think she was ever exposed to what
(20:49):
I had to be exposed to, but yeah, she I
think one of the biggest differences is like my sense
of self and what I will put up with. And
I used to do this thing. I don't know if
this is like a normal thing, but I used to
like act dumber than I was, just because that was
what people thought I was. And I just want to
(21:12):
tell her, like, you're so smart and so strong and
you don't need to like dumb yourself down.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
I can't lift my arms right now, but oh my god,
I'm cheering. Yes, Fiona, Yes, preach. That's it. Don't dumb
yourself down for anybody. We have we talked about that,
like in private. I don't know, maybe probably, yeah, because
that's a thing. That's a thing that I've done. That's it.
(21:42):
I don't know why copings like a survival tactic.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Like I just want to know why, Like why do
we do that?
Speaker 1 (21:49):
Well, good thing, You're gonna go study psychology.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
Yeah, I'm just so excited. That's why I'm doing it.
Speaker 1 (21:54):
Why you come back to me with that information? Yeah,
don't dumb yourself down, don't dim or light, don't not
speak up and have a voice. That little Fiona, I
just want to hug her.
Speaker 2 (22:08):
Yeah, she needed a hug.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
We do a lot of talk about like thinking about
that little girl inside of you, and you know, at
your age, it seems kind of silly and like, okay, mom,
yeah I'll do that. But did you find yourself able
to kind of connect with that girl in those times?
Speaker 2 (22:27):
Yeah? I mean I've been trying to do that more definitely.
I think it's really important to be gentle with your
younger self and not be so hard on her, even
though she made questionable decisions. Sometimes it's important to, you know,
hold space for her and just accept that. And that
(22:49):
actually helped you to get to where you are now.
So be grateful for that version of yourself that is
no longer there.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
So if someone were to give you a hard time now,
try to put you in the dumb box.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
Oh, I'm not putting up with it anymore. I think
there's definitely parts of me that at first they're like okay,
just like yeah, I am, you know, But then I
think I'm I'm strong enough now to be like, don't
talk to me like that that you don't get to
talk to me like that, you know, And some I
used to get mad at you. I remember, I'm sorry
to get mad at you when you would get when
(23:27):
you would stand up for yourself, like when you were
when you were, for example, like a road rage, Like
when you were on the road and somebody would you
do have a when like somebody would say something mean
to you and you were like no, like, don't talk
to me like that, and you would get all riled up.
I'd be like, Mom, calm down.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
Like always you want to backt like that, mom to
embarrass me?
Speaker 2 (23:48):
Yeah, but honestly, like that's that is what you have
to do like that. You don't put up with that crap.
No you don't. So I'm actually proud of you now,
and I'd like to be more like that.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
Hey, see what you did there? See what I did there?
Taught you something he did when it came to that relationship,
you know, the one I'm talking about. Everybody around us
knows the one I'm talking about. What do you think
finally helped you walk away? I know how how hard
(24:25):
that was for you, and I also know how powerful
you had to become to make that choice, like, if
you feel ready, I'd love for you to sort of
speak to that from your perspective.
Speaker 2 (24:40):
Yeah, you know, it was really hard to go through,
especially at that age. I met that guy when I
was a freshman, the first kind of movie night we had,
like the first time, Yeah, the first he was the
first guy saw. I remember it like, I was like
I like him, Like I was like that something was
set a on him and I don't know why that happened.
(25:03):
I feel like now I can look back and think
like that was a lesson, like that was put into
that place because I needed to learn this. It took
a long time, but I needed to learn that. And yeah,
it was very tumultuous, very like an emotional rollercoaster for
four years, and it really affected the way people saw me,
(25:26):
not only how you felt and the way I saw me, yes, yea,
which is the most important, but it did affect the
way everyone saw me, which made everyone treat me differently.
And you know, I wish I didn't have to go
through it, but I really think I learned a big, big,
big lesson. I think it really taught me moving forward,
what I will put up with and what I won't
(25:47):
put up with, so I'm actually grateful for it. I
don't think I was the best version of myself, so
I can take accountability. When you're with someone like that,
it can bring out the worst in you, and I
think I definitely saw that. I saw the worst version
of myself that I could be, and I didn't like her,
and so that was really hard because I didn't like
(26:08):
myself at all, and so I think that's what really
made me leave after a long time of going back
and back and back, but really the last time I
left it was because I just couldn't stand who I
was because it just made me so just the worst
version of myself. So yeah, I think that's what pushed
(26:30):
me to leave, and knowing that I deserve better, and also,
I will say connection from family and friends who saw
me and loved me, I think really helped me get
through that because I felt very alone at times. So
when I was with people who I knew loved me
for me and I saw that version, I saw that
(26:51):
little girl who I am come out, I was like,
I want to be happy, I want to be me.
So I think I chose me and I finally just
put that in the past. And I also think leaving
high school is you know, really closing the chapter. But
it's definitely hard.
Speaker 1 (27:10):
Definitely hard. What would you say to a freshman who's
going into high school who maybe spots a guy and
thinks he's the one.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
Don't put your eggs on one basket. That's what I
will say, like straight out of the gate. Don't do that. Yeah,
just make good friends, surround yourself with people who share
your same passions and interests and see you and be
you know, cautious and and don't don't accept anything less
(27:44):
than what you deserve.
Speaker 1 (27:45):
I think, how do you find those those your people? Though?
How do you find those people that see you in
a sea of how many? How many people were in
your class? A lot?
Speaker 2 (27:54):
I don't even know, maybe like four hundred, I think, Yeah,
I would say I didn't really find I mean, with
the exception of a few, I didn't really find my
people in high school. I think that's because I didn't have,
you know, a major sport that I was in or
a club I wasn't very well I did, but I quit.
Speaker 1 (28:14):
So you were you were in soccer the first year?
Speaker 2 (28:17):
Yeah, and then I quit. Yeah. So I think even
if it's not a sport, if you're not into sports,
a club or you know, sitting with different people and
exploring different options. And I was really caught up in
the cool group, like who are the popular kids? You know?
And that was always on my mind, like I have
to go sit with them. Even if I met like
(28:38):
a really cool girl in like my English class, I'd
be like, you're cool, But I have to go sit
with the people that don't actually like me because I
want them to like me.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
You know, that's so ridiculous.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
It is ridiculous, but I feel like it's honestly something
everyone goes through. But I would say a freshman just
to find, like someone who's going into high school, just
you know, explore different groups and find the people that
make you feel the best and stick with them.
Speaker 1 (29:02):
Mm hmm yeah, like get curious instead of just being
handed what comes your way, Like step out of that
and get curious about like what are my other options
around this place?
Speaker 2 (29:14):
Yeah, there's so many people. And on graduation day, people's
names were being called and I was like, who is that,
Like I don't I didn't even know. And I was
like they could have been really cool, and I never
got to get to know them because I was too
stuck in my own world, and I think stepping out
of that can really be beneficial, especially when you feel isolated.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
Do you think you missed out on some opportunities?
Speaker 2 (29:36):
Yeah, I do. I mean I did joins like cheer
and things.
Speaker 1 (29:41):
Weren't even the Divorced Kids club I was.
Speaker 2 (29:44):
I don't think I went to a meeting, but I
signed up for that one.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
I didn't know you weren't. It was frowned upon, so
you you didn't.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
I also like signed up for a bunch of different clubs,
but actually never went to the meetings. Just so I
think really going just experiencing. If you don't like it,
then don't go back. But I never even went, so
I think you should go and just have like one
meeting at lunch with somebody.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
You know. That seems odd behavior from you, just knowing
you so well and knowing how you love meeting new
people and you love talking to people and you're so curious.
It might you know, it pains me to know like
how trapped inside yourself you were.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
Yeah, that's what I was saying, Like I didn't even
recognize myself. I didn't want to know anybody else except
for the people that were treating me the worst, which
is what is that? So I think there was some
sort of prize. We've talked about this where I felt like,
if I could get them to like me, I won,
you know. With the guy felt like either he was
(30:49):
hot commodities, so I was like, if I could get
him to like me, I'm I'm you know, I'm that
girl or whatever. But I don't looking back, that.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
Was just so stupid, Like it's sort of this like
kind of need to win or to conquer or something
like we've talked about that because I possessed that to
a very competitive not with outside, just competitive with my
own self and like I got to do that. Yeah,
that seems like something I can't do. I'm gonna do it.
Speaker 2 (31:19):
I'm going to prove to myself and others I can't
do that.
Speaker 1 (31:22):
You know, maybe you shouldn't have had to prove yourself
with that regard.
Speaker 2 (31:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
Oh man, Okay, Well let's talk about the mom hard
for a second. Were there times when you felt like
I wasn't fully there for you or were there times
when I was there for you way too much? I
(31:50):
mean I'm sure yes to both of those.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
Yes to both of those. I feel like sometimes I
push you away. A lot of times I push you
away because I felt I needed to handle it all
on my own. And then sometimes I really just needed
a hug. But that was also my fault because I
didn't tell anybody what was going on. So I think, honestly,
you did a great job. I think, especially in the
(32:14):
last two years, I started opening up more to you.
I don't know if you felt that, but I just
felt really supported by you the last two years. The
first two years I just wanted to do it all
my own, So it really was not your fault.
Speaker 1 (32:26):
What do you think was the shift? I think.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
I think I don't know what it was, but I
feel like the summer going into junior year, I didn't
talk to anybody from my school. I had my best
friend outside of school who really helped me, and yeah,
I love her, and that really changed how I felt
about priorities and who I'm going to give my energy to.
(32:53):
And I felt like I really needed to give my
energy to my family that I feel like I need
to lean on you guys in that time and my
best friend, so I think that would just became more
important to me. So I think that's when I started
talking to you, especially after I got out of the relationship.
I think I was more open to sharing what happened,
because when you're in a relationship, you don't want to
(33:15):
talk about the bad things you do because then you're
not going to like him, you know, right, you.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
Don't want me to not like him. I want to
change your mind tomorrow, exactly.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
I wanted you to like him, so I just protected
him at all costs and made him seem like the
best boyfriend, the best person, when really it was tearing
me down emotionally inside and just really hard. I just
wanted to paint the best picture of what was going on.
So I think after that ended, I was more open
(33:43):
to sharing, and I feel like we connected more after that.
Speaker 1 (33:47):
Yeah, I'm so glad you started talking to me, because
a mom can always feel it, see it, know, when
their kid is struggling. You know, you see it in
different ways, and you see it and things that aren't
said as much as the things that are said. And
I don't know about you, but I mean, I feel
(34:10):
so grateful that you made it through that, specifically that relationship,
that you learned all about the person you didn't want
to be. Yeah, Okay, Well, looking ahead, What is it
(34:30):
during this time of transition into college that you would
like to see from me or what would you like
me to do differently? And I'm just opening this up
for conversation. Well, you're really excited.
Speaker 2 (34:48):
I mean, I think you do.
Speaker 1 (34:50):
A great job.
Speaker 2 (34:50):
Honestly, I'll give that to you. I think you're very
easy to talk to, easy to come to with my problems,
and I don't think you try to control me at all.
I mean I am technically an adult, just saying, but
I think going into college, I'll probably want to come
home a lot, especially since i'll be closed.
Speaker 1 (35:12):
Oh no, that's that's bad because I'm going to use
your room as a gym.
Speaker 2 (35:16):
No, you're not to keep it exactly as it is. No, Yeah,
I feel like just being a supportive person like you are.
I don't think there's anything you need to change honestly
as of right now.
Speaker 1 (35:30):
No, no curfew alternation.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
You could yeah, maybe like one am.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
What do you think a reasonable curfew is for somebody
in high school and then somebody that's just graduated fromigh.
Speaker 2 (35:42):
School, well senior in high school. I mean a lot
of my friends don't even have curfews.
Speaker 1 (35:46):
What's up with that.
Speaker 2 (35:47):
I just don't think it's like a thing anymore. I
really have never heard the word curfew in a couple
of months. I don't think people are like, oh, my curfew,
I have to be home. I think they just like
you say that kind of kind of yeah. But honestly,
I think people just know when to be home. I
mean the people I hang out with her, like, I
want to be home at this time. I want to
(36:09):
be home, like in my bed, you know. But I
feel like a reasonable curfew for like I don't know,
like twelve twelve one.
Speaker 1 (36:16):
Oh, I love you so much, twelve, let's twelve thirty
about it?
Speaker 2 (36:20):
Yeah, but now I'm feeling like one thirty.
Speaker 1 (36:23):
Okay, well you can come back. Let's circle back on that.
Let's put a pin in that. Okay, But seriously, no,
what did I always tell you?
Speaker 2 (36:32):
Nothing good happens after I don't even know what time you.
Speaker 1 (36:35):
Said, but you are listening one midnight.
Speaker 2 (36:37):
Oh I thought you said one.
Speaker 1 (36:40):
No, nothing good ever happens in LA after midnight.
Speaker 2 (36:44):
That's so true, though, It true, it really is. But
like I just keep going out past twelve and then
like being like, oh wait, mom says she was right.
Speaker 1 (36:52):
This is I'm not having fun all of a sudden. Huh. Okay,
so you've graduated from high school. You are in the
in between space between high school and going off to
college in the fall. What do you feel as a
family member your role is during this time? Because I
know if I were to put myself in your shoes,
I would be like, Whooo, I've got to party it
(37:13):
up with all my friends that I probably am not
going to see again for a very long time. They're
going off to different colleges, and I just want to
hang out my friends and go to the beach and
have fun.
Speaker 2 (37:23):
Yeah, that's basically how I'm feeling.
Speaker 1 (37:25):
Yeah, you know, what does choosing yourself mean to you? Now?
After everything you've walked through, I've watched you claim your power,
and I want to know what it feels like from
your perspective. What does choosing yourself truly mean to you now?
Speaker 2 (37:42):
I think it just means thinking about what you need
in that moment. And I know that sounds selfish, but
it isn't, because you putting yourself first in a conscious
way about what is going to make me feel better
and what is going to make me feel more aligned
with who I am more so I think, yeah, just
doing things that make you feel happy and not trying
(38:06):
to please everybody else, and taking moments to really think.
Speaker 1 (38:10):
About what you need in that moment.
Speaker 2 (38:11):
Check in with your Yeah, just check in and you know,
think about what you need in that moment.
Speaker 1 (38:20):
What are you most excited about as you go off
to college.
Speaker 2 (38:25):
I'm so excited to meet a brand new bunch of
new people and to have new experiences, to learn new things.
I think having some sort of like independence. Also like
living in my own dorm and decorating it and making
sure that I get to the you know, the gym
in my classes on time. I'm just excited to have
(38:46):
like a sense of independence, I think. And yeah, I
would say the most exciting thing to me is like
meeting new people and picking the right people that that
I feel the best around.
Speaker 1 (39:00):
M hmm. How are you gonna know?
Speaker 2 (39:02):
I don't know yet, but I feel like i'll know.
I feel like I've met good friends and I have
good friends right now. I'll be like I feel good
around this person, and just like it's a feeling You're like, oh,
I like being around this person, like they're a cool person,
and not in the way that you want to, you know,
impress them or like suck up to them, but just
like I like being around you and it feels.
Speaker 1 (39:22):
Natural and fun and easy. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (39:24):
So I want to find people that I just can
talk to and listen to, you know, and have fun with.
Speaker 1 (39:32):
I mean speaking of talking too and listening to people.
Should we tell? Do you want to tell the audience?
Like we can give a little little sneaky peaky we
could do that into what's about to happen? You do it?
You do it well.
Speaker 2 (39:51):
I'm going to be starting my own podcast with my heart. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
That's that's a big applause. That's this is huge.
Speaker 2 (40:04):
I'm so excited.
Speaker 1 (40:05):
We don't know what it's going to be called yet, Nope. Okay,
when it's going to be out, Nope.
Speaker 2 (40:12):
I just know I'm excited to talk about what I've
been through and kind of help others to feel seen,
other people my age to feel seen. I feel like
I've felt isolated and I feel like when I was
in those times, I was like, no one is going
through what I'm going through, And I just want to
offer a space where you can feel, you know, like
(40:33):
people understand, like I understand what you're going through. You know,
so that's going to be really good for a lot
of excited I hope, I hope people really take what
they need out of it and really enjoy it.
Speaker 1 (40:45):
Okay, well, miss Fiona Patinally before I let you go,
what was your last I Choose me moment?
Speaker 2 (40:54):
Hmm okay, well my last actually, my last I choose
me moment was this morning? Okay, yeah, this morning and
I woke up around like nine and I read I
think like three chapters, which is a lot, three chapters
of my book that I'm really loving right now.
Speaker 1 (41:11):
What's the book.
Speaker 2 (41:12):
It's called How to Love Better. I think it's Young
POI blowers, Yes, yes, it's great, so good. I love
this chapter that I just read. The last one I
just read this morning, called Leaving Things in the Past.
I was like, this is perfect, and I think that
really helped me set the tone for my day instead
of just getting on my phone like I usually do.
I just felt like I really reflected on what I read,
(41:34):
So I think I really chose myself in that moment.
Speaker 1 (41:37):
What was your takeaway from that chapter?
Speaker 2 (41:38):
I oh, okay, I wanted to talk about this. It
said in like the last part of the chapter, this
quote about how life is like a moving river, and
how things are supposed to flow through you and you're
not supposed to cling on or have attachment to things
because that can lead to suffering. And I think just
(41:59):
thinking of life like a river, like this is a
great moment, but it's going to pass, and being in
the present moment because that moment is only one moment,
you know. So I think really enjoying every day to
the fullest potential you can. You are a genius. I
love you, I love you.
Speaker 1 (42:17):
Thank you for coming on the podcast. And this is
how I feel about you.
Host
Jennie Garth
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