September 11, 2025 • 13 mins
In this solo check-in, Jennie shares the raw emotions of sending Fiona off to college, after the dorm is decorated, the boxes unpacked... and what it really feels like when her bedroom at home goes quiet. It's a heartfelt look at a universal parenting moment and a reminder that being needed differently is not the end, but a new beginning.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garl Hi. Everyone,
welcome back to I Choose Me, the pod where we
talk about all the choices we make in life and
how they shape us. So today it's another episode of
(00:22):
Just Me, Just Jenny, and I wanted to talk about
a very real, very current in my life topic. And
I know it's something that a lot of you out
there might be dealing with too, or you have maybe
somebody in your life that's dealing with it, or you
(00:45):
know someday you're gonna have to deal with it. So
it's been a little bit over two weeks now that
we packed up and made that early morning drive and
moved our youngest daughter, Fiona into her college dorm. Leaving
her there felt unnatural for sure. I've been doing a
(01:12):
lot of reminding myself that this is what happens. You
work for this moment, and this is actually a celebratory
thing that is happening. But I still have a lot
of conflicting feelings. Our house is a little quieter now,
but it definitely feels like something is missing. I mean,
(01:37):
to be factual, someone is missing. It's really weird, you guys.
Every time I walk by her bedroom, I get sad.
I keep the door closed to stop myself, but sometimes
I go in and I look around and I smell
her familiar smells, and I see her things, and I
(02:00):
just lose it. Here's a pro tip. Do not open
the closet and see what's been left behind. Ah. There's
just something about that that rips you right open. When
I do choose to really let myself think about all
the feelings I'm having, I realize that there is a
(02:22):
lot there hiding behind all the happy and all the
excited and all the supportive feelings that I'm supposed to
be having. The ones we see all the other moms
talking about their newfound freedom and having it all, living
it up finally for themselves. As a mom of three,
(02:42):
I've always felt like my heart and my mind were
somewhat divided up by like four or five. Always with
each of the girls wherever they are, sending them constant
support and love and yes, worrying about them. I'm curious
about how they're doing day in and day out, and
(03:05):
then wondering if they're feeling good, how they're managing their
lives out there on their own. Are they taking care
of themselves. Are they happy, are they finding good people
to be with? Do they feel fulfilled? I feel so split,
actually spread thinner now in a way than I did
(03:26):
even when I was in the throes of the challenges
of raising them day in and day out. And then
whatever is left of my mind and heart is trying
to connect with where I am now, trying to remember
to choose to take care of myself, trying to feel
(03:48):
good about redefining this moment in my life. Sometimes there's
not a lot left to give for that. If I'm
being honest and I think about my sweet husband and
I recognize that I'm really not allotting much energy or
(04:09):
attention towards my marriage or him currently. That's a whole
different topic that we can talk about another time, one
that I actually really do want to work through with you.
But I'm going to try to stay on topic right now.
For many of us parents, this is a brand new
(04:30):
rhythm that we're all trying to figure out. Because I
know this isn't just my journey, it's a universal moment
for so many of us, and I think it's important
that we talk honestly about what it's really like for me,
for you, for any of us going through it. So
(04:52):
the first few days after the move in are kind
of a blur in my mind. There was, as you know,
the excitement of working beside her, imagining and setting up
her dorm room, getting her all settled in, that family
dinner afterwards, than the goodbyes, the quiet ride home, the
(05:15):
silence when you get home and there's nothing left to
do but sit in it. For me, the first week
was full of texts and calls. Are you okay? Do
you have everything you need? How are you feeling? How
are you getting along with your new roommate. I still
felt that connection, you know, that routine of being needed.
(05:38):
But now two weeks in the communication has started to
change a little and it's not as constant as it was.
It's more spaced out, and I try to respect her
new independence and give her that room to figure things
out for herself. And yeah, somewhere in that space is
(06:01):
a new, somewhat odd feeling of having more time for myself.
But more than anything, it just feels foreign, being needed less,
the absence of being under the same roof with her
day in and day out. This a new rhythm that
I am struggling to get used to one we're all
(06:24):
forced to get comfortable with when the birds fly the nest,
because you know, you send your kids off to college,
and you imagine them having the time of their life
right meeting all the new people, falling in love with
their classes and their professors, that excitement of being on
their own finally, and that is one hundred percent what
we truly want for them. But that doesn't mean it
(06:47):
comes naturally, and maybe the reality of them adjusting to
this new life might not be as we had hoped.
Because I've had a few calls with Fiona where I
can hear her sadness in her voice. You know, I
can feel her struggling. And it's not just the bizarre
(07:08):
new reality of living in close quarters with a complete stranger,
though that's there too, it's a deeper feeling of questioning things.
In our case, a lot of her friends left California,
where we live, and they went to big schools in
different states, and I get the sense that she's feeling
some second guessing about not having that same kind of
(07:32):
experience of kind of measuring her own up to those
of her friends that she's seeing on Instagram, and it
seems like everyone else is having this big, epic Friday
night lights kind of experience, and she's missing out. I
don't know, she's not finding it yet. Her school is
(07:57):
a little smaller, there's no big football team, there's not
a ton of those school spirit opportunities that she sees
her friends having, and she's struggling to find her people
and she's not loving her classes yet. So for her,
I think it feels a little quiet and sort of
(08:17):
non climactic, like grand adventure she imagined herself having it
just hasn't quite started yet, and the fear that it
won't ever happen for her. It's really hard to hear
your kids wondering if they made the right choice. It's
so hard to hear them struggling to find their way.
(08:39):
This is where my core philosophy has been put to
the test, the challenge to choose myself, even when it
feels a little selfish. My first instinct is to want
to just jump in and solve all her problems, fix
things like I have always tried to do, to worry
(09:00):
and to let her anxiety become my own. But I
am continually reminding myself that I need to let her
feelings be hers, and I need to let her find
things on her own, and that my piece is now
more than ever a priority. So I am consciously choosing
(09:25):
to try to step back a little bit, kind of
like be a consultant, not a manager anymore. When she calls,
my job is not to fix things. It is to listen,
without judgment and without too much attachment. So I validate
her feelings of disappointment because they're real, but I also
(09:47):
try to remember to not get sucked in so deeply
to her problems. It's weird, I say, I understand that
this is unfamiliar, it's unknown for you, and it's okay.
It's really normal to feel this way. And then I
try to help her brainstorm ways to work through it.
(10:09):
I ask her, what is one thing you can do
this week to change the way you're feeling. My job
is to offer advice when she asks for it, and
then to step back and let her find her way.
That is, as it turns out, a lesson in me
(10:29):
taking care of myself too. It looks like it looks
like taking a walk after a tough phone call to
sort of process my feelings, or I'm talking to my
husband more about how I'm feeling instead of holding it inside.
And I'm focusing on this new rhythm here at home
(10:51):
so that my daughter can do the same thing at
her new home. It's really a way of honoring my
own needs but still being there for her. So I
don't know if you're going through this right now, I
want you to know a few things. First of all, grace,
(11:11):
give them grace, Give yourself grace. It is a hard
transition for everyone, and acknowledge the roller coaster of emotions
that's happening for both of you. And tell yourself this
is temporary and will become a more natural feeling and
easier to manage as time goes on. Another thing is
(11:31):
to listen more and talk less. Your kids need more
of a sounding board now, not a problem solver. Just
let them vent sometimes that's all they need. And trust
the work you've done. You've worked so hard to teach
(11:52):
your kids and instill in them that they have the
tools and the values they need to nowate this wild
new world. This is the moment to trust in your parenting.
You did it, They are capable, and you did a
great job. And maybe giving yourself that reminder of accomplishment
(12:15):
will feel good to you. The truth is your relationship
with your kid isn't ending, it's just beginning a new,
beautiful adult phase. This isn't about being needed less, it's
about being needed differently. And in this new phase, you
(12:41):
get to let them start choosing themselves and you get
to choose you in a whole new way. You too,
get to step out into a new, exciting version of yourself.
And yeah, that feels good. That feels kind of exciting.
(13:02):
And it's not necessarily easy for some of us. And
I hope that this little check in with where I
am at is helpful for anybody who is going through
this kind of change in their life. You got this,
we can do this. I love you. Until next time,
Take care of yourselves, and remember it's not just okay
(13:24):
to choose you, it's vital for your well being.
You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garl Hi. Everyone,
welcome back to I Choose Me, the pod where we
talk about all the choices we make in life and
how they shape us. So today it's another episode of
(00:22):
Just Me, Just Jenny, and I wanted to talk about
a very real, very current in my life topic. And
I know it's something that a lot of you out
there might be dealing with too, or you have maybe
somebody in your life that's dealing with it, or you
(00:45):
know someday you're gonna have to deal with it. So
it's been a little bit over two weeks now that
we packed up and made that early morning drive and
moved our youngest daughter, Fiona into her college dorm. Leaving
her there felt unnatural for sure. I've been doing a
(01:12):
lot of reminding myself that this is what happens. You
work for this moment, and this is actually a celebratory
thing that is happening. But I still have a lot
of conflicting feelings. Our house is a little quieter now,
but it definitely feels like something is missing. I mean,
(01:37):
to be factual, someone is missing. It's really weird, you guys.
Every time I walk by her bedroom, I get sad.
I keep the door closed to stop myself, but sometimes
I go in and I look around and I smell
her familiar smells, and I see her things, and I
(02:00):
just lose it. Here's a pro tip. Do not open
the closet and see what's been left behind. Ah. There's
just something about that that rips you right open. When
I do choose to really let myself think about all
the feelings I'm having, I realize that there is a
(02:22):
lot there hiding behind all the happy and all the
excited and all the supportive feelings that I'm supposed to
be having. The ones we see all the other moms
talking about their newfound freedom and having it all, living
it up finally for themselves. As a mom of three,
(02:42):
I've always felt like my heart and my mind were
somewhat divided up by like four or five. Always with
each of the girls wherever they are, sending them constant
support and love and yes, worrying about them. I'm curious
about how they're doing day in and day out, and
(03:05):
then wondering if they're feeling good, how they're managing their
lives out there on their own. Are they taking care
of themselves. Are they happy, are they finding good people
to be with? Do they feel fulfilled? I feel so split,
actually spread thinner now in a way than I did
(03:26):
even when I was in the throes of the challenges
of raising them day in and day out. And then
whatever is left of my mind and heart is trying
to connect with where I am now, trying to remember
to choose to take care of myself, trying to feel
(03:48):
good about redefining this moment in my life. Sometimes there's
not a lot left to give for that. If I'm
being honest and I think about my sweet husband and
I recognize that I'm really not allotting much energy or
(04:09):
attention towards my marriage or him currently. That's a whole
different topic that we can talk about another time, one
that I actually really do want to work through with you.
But I'm going to try to stay on topic right now.
For many of us parents, this is a brand new
(04:30):
rhythm that we're all trying to figure out. Because I
know this isn't just my journey, it's a universal moment
for so many of us, and I think it's important
that we talk honestly about what it's really like for me,
for you, for any of us going through it. So
(04:52):
the first few days after the move in are kind
of a blur in my mind. There was, as you know,
the excitement of working beside her, imagining and setting up
her dorm room, getting her all settled in, that family
dinner afterwards, than the goodbyes, the quiet ride home, the
(05:15):
silence when you get home and there's nothing left to
do but sit in it. For me, the first week
was full of texts and calls. Are you okay? Do
you have everything you need? How are you feeling? How
are you getting along with your new roommate. I still
felt that connection, you know, that routine of being needed.
(05:38):
But now two weeks in the communication has started to
change a little and it's not as constant as it was.
It's more spaced out, and I try to respect her
new independence and give her that room to figure things
out for herself. And yeah, somewhere in that space is
(06:01):
a new, somewhat odd feeling of having more time for myself.
But more than anything, it just feels foreign, being needed less,
the absence of being under the same roof with her
day in and day out. This a new rhythm that
I am struggling to get used to one we're all
(06:24):
forced to get comfortable with when the birds fly the nest,
because you know, you send your kids off to college,
and you imagine them having the time of their life
right meeting all the new people, falling in love with
their classes and their professors, that excitement of being on
their own finally, and that is one hundred percent what
we truly want for them. But that doesn't mean it
(06:47):
comes naturally, and maybe the reality of them adjusting to
this new life might not be as we had hoped.
Because I've had a few calls with Fiona where I
can hear her sadness in her voice. You know, I
can feel her struggling. And it's not just the bizarre
(07:08):
new reality of living in close quarters with a complete stranger,
though that's there too, it's a deeper feeling of questioning things.
In our case, a lot of her friends left California,
where we live, and they went to big schools in
different states, and I get the sense that she's feeling
some second guessing about not having that same kind of
(07:32):
experience of kind of measuring her own up to those
of her friends that she's seeing on Instagram, and it
seems like everyone else is having this big, epic Friday
night lights kind of experience, and she's missing out. I
don't know, she's not finding it yet. Her school is
(07:57):
a little smaller, there's no big football team, there's not
a ton of those school spirit opportunities that she sees
her friends having, and she's struggling to find her people
and she's not loving her classes yet. So for her,
I think it feels a little quiet and sort of
(08:17):
non climactic, like grand adventure she imagined herself having it
just hasn't quite started yet, and the fear that it
won't ever happen for her. It's really hard to hear
your kids wondering if they made the right choice. It's
so hard to hear them struggling to find their way.
(08:39):
This is where my core philosophy has been put to
the test, the challenge to choose myself, even when it
feels a little selfish. My first instinct is to want
to just jump in and solve all her problems, fix
things like I have always tried to do, to worry
(09:00):
and to let her anxiety become my own. But I
am continually reminding myself that I need to let her
feelings be hers, and I need to let her find
things on her own, and that my piece is now
more than ever a priority. So I am consciously choosing
(09:25):
to try to step back a little bit, kind of
like be a consultant, not a manager anymore. When she calls,
my job is not to fix things. It is to listen,
without judgment and without too much attachment. So I validate
her feelings of disappointment because they're real, but I also
(09:47):
try to remember to not get sucked in so deeply
to her problems. It's weird, I say, I understand that
this is unfamiliar, it's unknown for you, and it's okay.
It's really normal to feel this way. And then I
try to help her brainstorm ways to work through it.
(10:09):
I ask her, what is one thing you can do
this week to change the way you're feeling. My job
is to offer advice when she asks for it, and
then to step back and let her find her way.
That is, as it turns out, a lesson in me
(10:29):
taking care of myself too. It looks like it looks
like taking a walk after a tough phone call to
sort of process my feelings, or I'm talking to my
husband more about how I'm feeling instead of holding it inside.
And I'm focusing on this new rhythm here at home
(10:51):
so that my daughter can do the same thing at
her new home. It's really a way of honoring my
own needs but still being there for her. So I
don't know if you're going through this right now, I
want you to know a few things. First of all, grace,
(11:11):
give them grace, Give yourself grace. It is a hard
transition for everyone, and acknowledge the roller coaster of emotions
that's happening for both of you. And tell yourself this
is temporary and will become a more natural feeling and
easier to manage as time goes on. Another thing is
(11:31):
to listen more and talk less. Your kids need more
of a sounding board now, not a problem solver. Just
let them vent sometimes that's all they need. And trust
the work you've done. You've worked so hard to teach
(11:52):
your kids and instill in them that they have the
tools and the values they need to nowate this wild
new world. This is the moment to trust in your parenting.
You did it, They are capable, and you did a
great job. And maybe giving yourself that reminder of accomplishment
(12:15):
will feel good to you. The truth is your relationship
with your kid isn't ending, it's just beginning a new,
beautiful adult phase. This isn't about being needed less, it's
about being needed differently. And in this new phase, you
(12:41):
get to let them start choosing themselves and you get
to choose you in a whole new way. You too,
get to step out into a new, exciting version of yourself.
And yeah, that feels good. That feels kind of exciting.
(13:02):
And it's not necessarily easy for some of us. And
I hope that this little check in with where I
am at is helpful for anybody who is going through
this kind of change in their life. You got this,
we can do this. I love you. Until next time,
Take care of yourselves, and remember it's not just okay
(13:24):
to choose you, it's vital for your well being.
Host
Jennie Garth
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