December 1, 2022 • 27 mins
Imagine you’re deeply in love with a person. You’ve purchased a home together; you’ve picked out your furniture but before you even open the first box, the love of your life is taken from you by a stray bullet that ends their life.
In this episode, meet Vincent Perez, who had to find meaning to life after losing his fiancée, Shane Colombo to gun violence. Because despite losing the man he loved in such a tragic way, it’s this same fairytale romance - one that survived distance and unique circumstances - that keeps giving him purpose. Because regardless of how imperfect or difficult the situation may be or who we love - be it he, she, or they - everyone is deserving of being seen, being understood, and being loved.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
Learning to love ourselves and our messy and complicated truth
is hard enough. But what happens when you have that
feeling of otherness just hanging over your head, where you
don't feel understood even within your own tribe. How do
you confidently grow into your own skin or maybe even
grow out of it when the road to acceptance and
healing is so rough and bumpy. Hey there it Zach,
(00:26):
Welcome back. I'm not sure if you've taken a listen
to the last show. If you haven't, you absolutely should.
It's a great conversation about something I'm always talking about
the magic of trans women, and we sat down with
none other than T. S. Madison, very magical woman. If
you don't want to miss it, so check out the
episode when you have a moment today. I want to
(00:50):
talk about something that's weighing heavy on many people right now,
especially given the recent acts of violence against our community.
I don't think it's a secret that gun violence is
a big problem here in the US. We get the
horrifying play by play about the details, but it's very
rare that we hear the stories of victims, the real
people that leave us and the people that must stay
(01:11):
behind and make sense of it all. In this episode,
I'd love for us to take back that power, that
ability to humanize these victims and their loved ones. Our
guest today, Vincent Perez. He had a love that was
very rare. It's that kind of love that we only
see in movies, the passionate, nostalgic, sweep you off your
feet sort of love. But unfortunately it was a violent
(01:33):
event that broke the two of them apart. But before
going into that tragic day, I wanted to know Vincent.
He grew up on the rough side of town in
southern California with his very Latina mom. Vincent wasn't close
to his biological dad, but how to father figure that
provided him with a loving home. But being a young
gay man came with a set of challenges, especially because
(01:54):
he was fighting these ideals stemming from machismo, those unwritten
rules that teach men how to men. Luckily, for Vincent,
he found an outlet of expression that he loved dance.
I grew up in the ghetto, and I use that
in the most loving term possible because in the bodio,
like it's a community. There are a lot of people
(02:15):
in this community that supports you, and we lived right
next to the tween tracks in this bodio, and literally
my mom was just like, well, I don't want you
to turn out like these other kids, and not that
it's a bad journey for them, but it was like,
I want something different for you because my biological father
who has strange to questionable actions in his life and
kind of what he was doing, and I was just
(02:35):
my moms like, I don't want that for you. So
I think for her, just giving me an outlet was
very important, and I think for me it gave me
a great way to express myself, especially in this like
very dominant, like stiff upper lip, like you were a boy.
A man does not cry. And what's interesting is my
parents culturally we are like that. But my parents, especially
(02:57):
my dad, was just like you can have emotions, like
it's okay to be x y and Z, like you
can be sad, And my mom was, I mean, she
came straight from Mexico, so I think for her it
was just like a cultural norm that boys had to
be strong. But I think as we got older, her
expectations of how I should be changed because I think
I broke a lot of stereotypes and these like biases
(03:19):
she had for queer folk in Mexico. But I love
the fact that movement gave me an opportunity to learn
who I am. Being gay in dance, I feel like
it's always an obvious thing, but I tried so hard
for many years to like cover it up. And it's like, oh, yeah,
I do ballet, but I'm really very masculine, And I
think there was a point where I was like, I
(03:40):
don't need to do that. I'm gay whatever, like whatever
if I fall into like it's the stereotype. But I
just I don't know. It was such an interesting process
for me to go through and coming into it was
such a journey that I still look back at it.
I'm like, dance maybe who I am culturally, spiritual, emotionally, physically.
From the age of like ten maybe to like eighteen nineteen,
(04:01):
was never home past three o'clock, was always dancing, from
like when I went go off to school to like
ten o'clock, would take the bus home, get home at
eleven o'clock, have dinner at eleven, start the day again
at like seven. And I just had a very different
life growing up than my peers and my siblings, Like
just was never home, and I appreciate the fact that
(04:21):
my mom was trying to do that for me unintentionally,
where she just wanted me to have an outlet, but
it really gave me structure and discipline to be independent.
When did you come out as gay? Because you were
out as an artist first and the gay came later,
which is defining a lot of stereotypes. I came out
very late in life, well, not very late. I came
out like eighteen, right, And I think for me, I
(04:44):
came to the point in my life where I'm about
to go to college. I give no crap about anything
that's happening in the family. There's a lot of turbulence happening,
and I got to the point where we had this
like pinnacle of family problems, and I was just like,
you know what, guys, I don't care anymore. I'm letting
you know I'm gay, Like this is who I am,
taking me as I am. You cannot judge me for
who I am, and I won't judge you for your actions.
(05:06):
The message I was trying to send my parents is
I love you and conditionally, regardless of what you guys
are doing, you have to love me or you have
the opportunity to love me because I'm accepting you for
this stuff, and me being gay or queer does not
change who I am. It just means I'm a little different,
you know. It just means, like my family norms and
my and the things I've fall in too will very
(05:27):
much be different than my siblings later in life. And
that's okay. And I think they got to the point
where they're just like, Okay, we respect you, we love you,
and they're okay with it. But I think my parents
are specifically my mom. I remember going to college and
she's like, I can deal with you being gay, but
do you have to be a dancer? Like are you
gonna make any money? And I remember telling her like
she asked me, so what's your major? Like what are
(05:49):
you gonna graduate? And I told her, I'm like, I'm
gonna be a dancer. I'm gonna get a dancer, grib
and doing this for fifteen years. What do you think
I'm gonna do? And then she like scolded me and
she's like, you're not gonna make any money And I said, listen,
Mom pointed finger, you don't pay for my education. You
should be proud about how I moved through the world
versus my career because you culturally, like, there's something weird
(06:11):
in brown cultures, especially when you're under represented minority or
a B B I POC. The wealth is attached to
the fame that you have in your family, like if
you're Latino, like, oh, my son's gonna be a doctor,
he's gonna be an engineer. Like it's like this cloud
building And I told my mom what I do with
my degree in my life isn't the thing you should
be praising. You should be praising who I am as
(06:32):
a kind human. Don't focus on the money. The money
will come. While Vincent is exploring his own identity, expressing
himself and redefining stereotype through dance. Growing up at the
same time with Shane Colombo, he was being raised by
a single mom in San Clemente, a sleepy beach town
just south of Los Angeles. He certainly didn't have it
(06:53):
easy and went through his own set of struggles, overcoming
Hodgkins and FOMA at just fifteen, but very much like Vincent,
he didn't let the stop him. Instead, he made it
a point to live a fulfilling life, and soon after,
through their own search of happiness and education. The two
of them meet in the most innocent of ways a
college fraternity. I love telling this story because it's one
(07:17):
of my favorites. I remember, I'm very involved, It's cool.
I was helping out with the academic departments. I was
an r A, I was trying to work full time.
I was dancing and a dance company, and you know,
I was also running the fraternity, which I don't think
I would ever have thought I would have done. But
I saw an opportunity to really start something and help
(07:39):
some young men. And granted, I'm not a parti er,
I don't drink, I don't do anything at the time
that was illegal. But for me, I was just like,
how can I really help this community and where can
I find the opportunity for me to grow? And I
was like, well, I'm great at administrative stuff. I'm great
at paperwork. And I remember hosting an event with some
finitial new members and I remember seeing Shane. I want
(08:01):
you to picture this, like think about like a house
party at someone's house in the sunset, and I remember
walking up the stairs in his home and all I
see is shame. They're making out with someone, and I'm
like you, and then I walk away because I am
there to make sure no one's getting in trouble, to
make sure like things are okay, and then I leave.
(08:21):
And something happened later on where gay culture, right, do
you see a gay guy like you're cute, We're gonna
hook up? Yes, like, let's do it. But there was
something that happened where I when I started talking to him,
I'm like, hold up, I'm gonna step back, and I
literally said to him, I have like this long asked
message from him from when we first started talking on
Facebook messenger where it's like I actually want to get
(08:44):
to know you. There was just an air about him.
I'm like, yes, like I want to like get to
know you, I want to date you. And then I
have this photograph that he took. And mind you, at
the time when I had met him, he was going
back home for his um he was in remission for
five years at cancer when he was younger, and I
remember him going home and I remember dropping him off
(09:05):
at like a mega bus downtown in King Street, and
he took a photo and I remember him giving me
a couple of years later this image of this train station,
and Key wrote, this is the day I foun in
love with you and it was just this beautiful message
and I cherished it to this day because it just
brings me back to the silient memories of music. And
(09:27):
I'm like, this is a song that I'm listening to
when I think about you. And it was like James Blake.
It was like retrograde or something. Oh my god, I
love the song. Yeah. And for me, it's just like
I have this strong experience with him where I'm just like,
this dude is going back home because he's in a remission.
We're going to connect. And then fast forward and I
remember him pledging for this fraternity and it's the cutest
(09:49):
freaking thing. We do something called serenading and where we
serenade sororities, and I remember him sitting in front of
this auditorium in the Science building and I'm boarding it
and he's singing to me, and I'm just like, this
is the guy I'm gonna marry. This is the guy
I'm gonna marry. It was just the intent and the
way he stared at me and the way he like
(10:10):
I felt, the love I felt, the intention. It's one
of the salient memories that I think about and I
like it breaks my heart. Yeah, that's like such a
beautiful memory because it's not very often in young g
love that you have these really cinematic moments of falling
in love. Like what you just described was something from
(10:31):
a movie where you know, the high school sweethearts fault
walk into like a dance or something someone sings, And
that's kind of you know what we put in movies
saying that this is the dream, but rarely anyone lives it.
What was it like to have a dream come to
life back then? Did you ever expect that for yourself?
I never expected it to happen this strongly, with this
(10:52):
much force. I don't know what I expected when I
met him, honestly, Like I try to move through the
world with no expectations. I'm like, I don't know what's
gonna happen tomorrow, But when I met him, I was
just like, man. Literally, when you talk about movies and
being the protagonist in these kind of vignettes in your life,
I'm like, wow, Like we had a lot of those.
But I I realized at that point in my life
(11:16):
I am not the main character very early on, and
that was important for me to realize because Shane had
this fabulous story of overcoming cancer and coming from a
single parent home, and naturally, for some reason I fell back.
I was just like, this is the man I need
to support, This is the person I want to care for.
(11:37):
I felt at that point in my life where I
was just like, I have to be in your life
to get you to succeed, and our outcome will be
a life together. Soon after they both graduated from college,
Shane gets an opportunity to attend a predoctoral program at Columbia.
A huge opportunity, but what does that mean for two
(11:58):
young men that are deeply connected and clearly in love.
For Vincent, it meant supporting Shane through an open, long
distance relationship. And even though this might seem unconventional, this
idea that distance and other people was a way to
make their relationship work, their connection always brought them back
to each other. Longestan is hard, even if you do
(12:19):
open relationships, even if you do the video chats. Because
at one point he was studying abroad in like Wales
and Swansea, and we were doing video chats until seven
am before he had to go to classes. And then
you know, like we had all the tools to make
it work. And it's really the emotional connection to manature
that their security there that really like drove it home
for us. Yeah, and it's a lot to navigate, you know.
(12:41):
It's the emotional security that you have to figure out
from long distance of calling, checking in and showing up
for each other. Then there's also like the health security
of being like we're now an open relationship and you
may be sleeping with other people, and how to we
navigate this going where those conversations tough, navigating all of
those things, the health, the emotional, the physical, every No.
I think at first it was because I am I
(13:03):
am a Latino man. I am very forceful with the
way I talk. I say what's on my mind, and
he is very calm and not reserved, but very um
second guessing. And I think we had times of conflict
where I was just like, what's the problem and He's
just like, well, I want to talk about this, and
I'm like, dude, just say it, like you're my partner,
I love you. And I think we found a rhythm
(13:26):
of communication that really did work for us. And at
the end of the day, like the goal was not
I think for us to find solutions. It was just
to make sure that I felt like he felt supported
and that I felt supported and that I was taking
care of his needs and vice versa. But yeah, it was.
It was an interesting moment in life. I'm not gonna lie,
some very beautiful moments. And it was the series of
(13:49):
beautiful moments, one after the next over the next seven
years that brought the two closer together. They were so
in love, so in sync that finally, on Christmas Eve
one year been it decides to pop the question. And
like most big nerve racking things, the lead up to
the proposal was like something you'd read in a comedy,
the hot chocolate they buy before ice skating, just ending
(14:11):
up on their lap, that picture perfect ice skating moment
ending up being a long line that isn't worth the weight.
It's still like the relationship, the to make it work,
and so running out of ideas, they agreed to see
a movie, and I remember him also before that wanting
to show me this art installation that was like just
(14:31):
all these lights and it was off because it was
like too early and there was nothing on, and he's like, well,
I guess this is the end of the light show.
Like I think it was the end of the season
for it. And we come out of this movie theater
and they're on, and it was this beautiful music and
I love experimental are performance are? I love lights? And
(14:52):
this thing is on and I remember, like, this is
the moment I'm going to propose to him. And I
pulled out this ring that I bought earlier on and
I tell him I got this for you. And I
didn't want to get one knee because I'm like, look,
you and I are equal partners. I want you to
know like I'm in it with you. And I told them,
no matter what happens, no matter what happens in the
(15:13):
day in our lives, you know, I'm always gonna love you.
And next thing, you know, like we're just jumping for
joy and we're just enjoying each other's spirit. I just
remembered so vividly of these lights just turning on and
him laughing and smiling, and him calling his mom and
his family and and I'm just like, this is the
perfect day, regardless of what happened, regardless of the chocolate milk,
(15:36):
regardless of the three hour await for ice skating, regardless
of you know, it being too cold, or being able
to do anything. It was the perfect day. It was
the most pristine example of my relationship with him, where
things can go wrong, but that's okay because at the
end of the day, I have the love of my
life with me. Let's sit with this for a second,
(15:59):
because year we have Vincent who has literally waited so
long to have this moment, to be in the same
city as the man he loves, his future husband, only
to be ripped away from him in such a horrific way.
As gay men, and especially men of color, there's always
that thought of danger, the danger of being discriminated against
or homophobic violence, and for Vincent, the danger that came
(16:22):
with being a gay dancer from the ghetto, dodging sexual
health concerns that come with being in an open relationship.
But this part of his story is so sudden, so unexpected,
and just so tragic that it's difficult to imagine how
he was able to pick himself up after experiencing such grief.
We were long distance for a while, and even then
(16:44):
we were missing each other by planes. Like We went
to Chicago once and we saw some places, and the
goal was to see where we wanted to live and
next thing, you know, like he flew out there for
I think something with his lab. He was supposed to
work with the adapt lab over Northwestern, and I remember
sending him some some places to go see with a
real estate agent, and you know, he saw the place
(17:08):
once by himself and I'm like, is this the one.
He's like, yeah, okay, let's do it. So sign all
the paperwork went through it, and then I went there
to kind of do all the administrative stuff. So I
signed the paperwork and I made sure we had a
mattress in a bed and dishpots and stuff so that
you can eat. And then I would be moving several
months later, so we literally missed each other every step
of the way. It was hard because the last time
(17:30):
I really saw him before the incident, I remember saying
goodbye to him. We were seeing family in Orange County
and I remember he's wearing this stupid cat pushing shirt
that it's a little knee j and I remember seeing
him and taking a photo of him and I was like,
I love you, I'm gonna see you very soon. And
(17:53):
I didn't think that that would be the last time
I've seen a person. And a few days later actually
like maybe a weekly or he was flying to Chicago,
and I remember getting a call from him and like,
it's beautiful here, Like it's still picturesque. Could got off
the plane. Everything's going perfect, and he's driving down Lake
Shore Boulevard in Chicago and he's just like, it's so
(18:13):
pretty here, You're gonna love it. And then I remember
him getting home. He's calling me. He's like I can't
get in, and I'm like, what do you mean. He's
like the keys aren't working, and I remember trying to
trouble suit with him and someone finally let him in,
and I remember him finally getting into the front door
and he calls me, and it's just so crazy because
(18:34):
I remember telling him because he had he just got
in and he's like, I need to go buy hangers.
I want to make sure like things are hung up.
Might just stay home, just relax, go get some food,
order some take out, just try to do nothing. You've
been doing a lot. And he's like, okay, yeah, but
I really want to get hangers and okay, And I remember,
you know how iPhones you can take photos during uh,
during a FaceTime. I unintentionally did it a few times,
(18:57):
and I remember taking this photo of him laughing, and
even when I play it now, I'm just like, it
makes me very sad because that was one of the
last moments I had because literally fifteen minutes later he died.
And I remember checking his location because you know, like
I said before, the tools that we had were where
are you right now? Like are you at home? Cool?
(19:18):
I can call you, like I don't want to serve
if you're out with friends, And so I remember looking
at his location and I remember seeing him at the hospital.
I'm like, oh, what happened, Like did he cut his hand?
Like what's going on? And I thought like it was
something dumb, and then I remember calling the hospital. I'm like, hey, like,
I'm looking for a patient. His name Shank Columbo. Can
you help me find them? They're like, oh, one second,
and then I get transferred to doctor and she's like,
(19:39):
I'm so sorry he just passed away. And I was like,
I don't understand. I still I still don't understand, like
I have a a PTSD processing issue where it's like
the object permanence, like I just I didn't see him
say goodbye, Like it doesn't make sense to me. And
it was the most horrifying thing, because I remember so
(20:00):
many awful memories after that. I remember punching a wall
in the garage. I remember like seeing all my friends crying.
I remember beyond the floor. I remember calling his um,
his manager at his lab, and I had found his
number on the Northwestern website and it's like eleven o'clock
or something his time, and I was just like, Shane died,
(20:22):
like I don't know what to do. And I remember
just calling so many people, and it's crazy because I'm
the fixer. I like to solve problems, and I always
had an answer. I always had like some sort of solution.
And I remember calling my sister and begging her to
(20:44):
tell me what to do because I didn't know how
to move. I didn't know how to go from one
step to the next, and I just it just plays
back in my head and it's like the the worst
part of the movie that I didn't think I had
to experience, so it was. It was intense. It's still
very intense. It's the memories that I have, such beautiful
(21:07):
memories of my relationship and my life, and those are
the most horrific that I've experienced. I love how Vincent
keeps Shane's memory alive in such an admirable way, because
it would be easy to be angry and stay in
that place of hurt, of sadness, of hopelessness, but what
(21:28):
he has done is completely the opposite. He's been able
to not just advocate alongside other survivors, but he's also
used Shane's love as a catalyst to create space for more.
At that point, I was losing weight, I was not eating.
I was by myself in Chicago because I had this
like mindset that I have to go, like I have
(21:50):
to move. And so I remember going and being depressed
and on the couch in this home that was empty
because all we had at that point was a couch
that we had chose, like a few weeks before. And
I remember this friend calling me and saying, hey, like,
have you heard of every town? Like do you want
to tell your story? I'm like, I was so mad.
I was like, no, absolutely not, Like this is very personal.
(22:13):
It's still a very personal experience, and I have reservations
at times, but for me, I realized the story is
what matters. Like me telling his name over and over
again is a way for me to solidify his potential
in life. And what was taken from him. And when
I found out out every town, it was so hard
(22:33):
because I'm like, no one's gonna understand, no one's going
to really understand what I'm going through. And then loan behold,
I come into this conference with all these Mom's Demand
in every town volunteers and activists, and literally we're all crying.
We're all talking about the loved ones we lost and
the manner it happened, and it was just like to
have that community, to have people there with you to
(22:56):
talk about what had happened. It changes the way you
think about your relationhip to others and the way you
moved through the world. Because at the end of the day,
like I wanted community, I want someone to understand. And
then that happens to me when I talked to a
Mom's Man Action volunteer or colleague and they're like, I
get it, And I know they get it because they've
experienced it, like either they've been a victim of gun
(23:17):
violence directly affected or they're just an advocate. And it's
like it was so important to me at the time
and it still is to be part of the community
because again, telling the story is the way I'm keeping
his memory alive, but then also doing my part in
this entire political schema to ensure that people who aren't
supposed to have guns don't have them. Because again, let
(23:38):
me boost up shame for a second cancer survivor, putting
himself through college, single family home, was volunteering at a hospital,
was doing v a research, like literally everything you can
think of for this person, and that was taken away
by some stupidity and something that shouldn't have happened in
the first place. It's amazing that that still happens in
(24:00):
country even to this day. Like the statistic is every
day a honey people died from good violence, which is nuts.
And Shane was one of those on that day. And
I think what the work with every Town has really
brought to me is telling the story and being advocate
is the best way to put your energy because it
changes you from being not necessarily sad. It's okay to
(24:22):
be sad, but it channels that into a different way
to ensure like you are being an advocate for for
things that are important to you. Rebuilding a life, or
even thinking about loving another person might feel like it's
impossible with a love like Vincent and chains. It's easy
to see how Vincent was able to rebuild a life
(24:42):
and even find a new love despite feeling so much
pain because this deep admiration, this deep respect, acts as
a sort of guide, a pattern of sorts that he
uses to keep loving himself and in turn keep their
love alive forever. The love that I had for Shane
is not finite. It exists in the ether and it's
(25:05):
always there. And I think what brought me a lot
of hope is the fact that love is existent, it
is still there. I still feel it. I see it
in the memories that play in my head, and the
fact that I can find love after loss and set
myself up for this experience just it's it's incredible to me.
(25:25):
I think just knowing that it's there is always going
to be a way to get through hope and to
find purpose. But at the end of the day, it's
like setting that goal, like I talked about earlier, setting
that milestone, Like what does that? What does that really
mean for me? Like what do I want to be?
And it's like, well, I want to be happy, I
want to be in love, I want to have the
things that Shane and I were meant to have, but
(25:46):
I also want to be the protagonist of my story. Now.
I have a beautiful partner who I love two pieces.
His name is James, and the fact that I sit
in the middle of James and Shane means the world
to me because I know that James cares and loves
(26:08):
for me and loves Shane, and I know Shane would
love him to pieces. It just makes you so much
sure that you just have to navigate all that stuff
to find purpose and to find love. And it's work.
I'm not saying it's not work. I'm not saying that
it's never going to be easy. But you have to
find the purpose and you have to find the end
goal because if you don't, then it's going to seem
like Milutia and you're not going to know where to go.
(26:29):
And I think Shane for all of that. I don't
know about you, but after this conversation, the first thing
I'm going to do tonight is give my partner the
biggest hug. And it's not just because of the sad
parts of the story. It's because of how much hope
Vincent brings to the table, the way that he's been
able to cope with his own grief is admirable in itself,
(26:52):
but it's also the way he's able to lean into
that pain, dig deep, and help others stand up for
safer neighborhoods, stricter laws. Is nothing short of amazing. Vincent
has found a way to survive through his authenticity by
literally and simply feeling, because he shows us that even
when times are desolate, those days when life just gets heavy,
(27:13):
or when the unexpected happens, there's always love inside of
us that's worth living for. We are so excited for
you to be here for season two of In the
Deep Stories That Shape Us. Keep coming back every other
week and taking these powerful stories of Black and Latino
people as they take us on their own healing journeys.
(27:33):
In the Deep Stories That Shape Us is executive produced
by myself, Zack Stafford, and Ivan Chian and mastered by
James Foster and our writer is Yvette Lopez. A shout
out to our guest, Vincent Peress
Learning to love ourselves and our messy and complicated truth
is hard enough. But what happens when you have that
feeling of otherness just hanging over your head, where you
don't feel understood even within your own tribe. How do
you confidently grow into your own skin or maybe even
grow out of it when the road to acceptance and
healing is so rough and bumpy. Hey there it Zach,
(00:26):
Welcome back. I'm not sure if you've taken a listen
to the last show. If you haven't, you absolutely should.
It's a great conversation about something I'm always talking about
the magic of trans women, and we sat down with
none other than T. S. Madison, very magical woman. If
you don't want to miss it, so check out the
episode when you have a moment today. I want to
(00:50):
talk about something that's weighing heavy on many people right now,
especially given the recent acts of violence against our community.
I don't think it's a secret that gun violence is
a big problem here in the US. We get the
horrifying play by play about the details, but it's very
rare that we hear the stories of victims, the real
people that leave us and the people that must stay
(01:11):
behind and make sense of it all. In this episode,
I'd love for us to take back that power, that
ability to humanize these victims and their loved ones. Our
guest today, Vincent Perez. He had a love that was
very rare. It's that kind of love that we only
see in movies, the passionate, nostalgic, sweep you off your
feet sort of love. But unfortunately it was a violent
(01:33):
event that broke the two of them apart. But before
going into that tragic day, I wanted to know Vincent.
He grew up on the rough side of town in
southern California with his very Latina mom. Vincent wasn't close
to his biological dad, but how to father figure that
provided him with a loving home. But being a young
gay man came with a set of challenges, especially because
(01:54):
he was fighting these ideals stemming from machismo, those unwritten
rules that teach men how to men. Luckily, for Vincent,
he found an outlet of expression that he loved dance.
I grew up in the ghetto, and I use that
in the most loving term possible because in the bodio,
like it's a community. There are a lot of people
(02:15):
in this community that supports you, and we lived right
next to the tween tracks in this bodio, and literally
my mom was just like, well, I don't want you
to turn out like these other kids, and not that
it's a bad journey for them, but it was like,
I want something different for you because my biological father
who has strange to questionable actions in his life and
kind of what he was doing, and I was just
(02:35):
my moms like, I don't want that for you. So
I think for her, just giving me an outlet was
very important, and I think for me it gave me
a great way to express myself, especially in this like
very dominant, like stiff upper lip, like you were a boy.
A man does not cry. And what's interesting is my
parents culturally we are like that. But my parents, especially
(02:57):
my dad, was just like you can have emotions, like
it's okay to be x y and Z, like you
can be sad, And my mom was, I mean, she
came straight from Mexico, so I think for her it
was just like a cultural norm that boys had to
be strong. But I think as we got older, her
expectations of how I should be changed because I think
I broke a lot of stereotypes and these like biases
(03:19):
she had for queer folk in Mexico. But I love
the fact that movement gave me an opportunity to learn
who I am. Being gay in dance, I feel like
it's always an obvious thing, but I tried so hard
for many years to like cover it up. And it's like, oh, yeah,
I do ballet, but I'm really very masculine, And I
think there was a point where I was like, I
(03:40):
don't need to do that. I'm gay whatever, like whatever
if I fall into like it's the stereotype. But I
just I don't know. It was such an interesting process
for me to go through and coming into it was
such a journey that I still look back at it.
I'm like, dance maybe who I am culturally, spiritual, emotionally, physically.
From the age of like ten maybe to like eighteen nineteen,
(04:01):
was never home past three o'clock, was always dancing, from
like when I went go off to school to like
ten o'clock, would take the bus home, get home at
eleven o'clock, have dinner at eleven, start the day again
at like seven. And I just had a very different
life growing up than my peers and my siblings, Like
just was never home, and I appreciate the fact that
(04:21):
my mom was trying to do that for me unintentionally,
where she just wanted me to have an outlet, but
it really gave me structure and discipline to be independent.
When did you come out as gay? Because you were
out as an artist first and the gay came later,
which is defining a lot of stereotypes. I came out
very late in life, well, not very late. I came
out like eighteen, right, And I think for me, I
(04:44):
came to the point in my life where I'm about
to go to college. I give no crap about anything
that's happening in the family. There's a lot of turbulence happening,
and I got to the point where we had this
like pinnacle of family problems, and I was just like,
you know what, guys, I don't care anymore. I'm letting
you know I'm gay, Like this is who I am,
taking me as I am. You cannot judge me for
who I am, and I won't judge you for your actions.
(05:06):
The message I was trying to send my parents is
I love you and conditionally, regardless of what you guys
are doing, you have to love me or you have
the opportunity to love me because I'm accepting you for
this stuff, and me being gay or queer does not
change who I am. It just means I'm a little different,
you know. It just means, like my family norms and
my and the things I've fall in too will very
(05:27):
much be different than my siblings later in life. And
that's okay. And I think they got to the point
where they're just like, Okay, we respect you, we love you,
and they're okay with it. But I think my parents
are specifically my mom. I remember going to college and
she's like, I can deal with you being gay, but
do you have to be a dancer? Like are you
gonna make any money? And I remember telling her like
she asked me, so what's your major? Like what are
(05:49):
you gonna graduate? And I told her, I'm like, I'm
gonna be a dancer. I'm gonna get a dancer, grib
and doing this for fifteen years. What do you think
I'm gonna do? And then she like scolded me and
she's like, you're not gonna make any money And I said, listen,
Mom pointed finger, you don't pay for my education. You
should be proud about how I moved through the world
versus my career because you culturally, like, there's something weird
(06:11):
in brown cultures, especially when you're under represented minority or
a B B I POC. The wealth is attached to
the fame that you have in your family, like if
you're Latino, like, oh, my son's gonna be a doctor,
he's gonna be an engineer. Like it's like this cloud
building And I told my mom what I do with
my degree in my life isn't the thing you should
be praising. You should be praising who I am as
(06:32):
a kind human. Don't focus on the money. The money
will come. While Vincent is exploring his own identity, expressing
himself and redefining stereotype through dance. Growing up at the
same time with Shane Colombo, he was being raised by
a single mom in San Clemente, a sleepy beach town
just south of Los Angeles. He certainly didn't have it
(06:53):
easy and went through his own set of struggles, overcoming
Hodgkins and FOMA at just fifteen, but very much like Vincent,
he didn't let the stop him. Instead, he made it
a point to live a fulfilling life, and soon after,
through their own search of happiness and education. The two
of them meet in the most innocent of ways a
college fraternity. I love telling this story because it's one
(07:17):
of my favorites. I remember, I'm very involved, It's cool.
I was helping out with the academic departments. I was
an r A, I was trying to work full time.
I was dancing and a dance company, and you know,
I was also running the fraternity, which I don't think
I would ever have thought I would have done. But
I saw an opportunity to really start something and help
(07:39):
some young men. And granted, I'm not a parti er,
I don't drink, I don't do anything at the time
that was illegal. But for me, I was just like,
how can I really help this community and where can
I find the opportunity for me to grow? And I
was like, well, I'm great at administrative stuff. I'm great
at paperwork. And I remember hosting an event with some
finitial new members and I remember seeing Shane. I want
(08:01):
you to picture this, like think about like a house
party at someone's house in the sunset, and I remember
walking up the stairs in his home and all I
see is shame. They're making out with someone, and I'm
like you, and then I walk away because I am
there to make sure no one's getting in trouble, to
make sure like things are okay, and then I leave.
(08:21):
And something happened later on where gay culture, right, do
you see a gay guy like you're cute, We're gonna
hook up? Yes, like, let's do it. But there was
something that happened where I when I started talking to him,
I'm like, hold up, I'm gonna step back, and I
literally said to him, I have like this long asked
message from him from when we first started talking on
Facebook messenger where it's like I actually want to get
(08:44):
to know you. There was just an air about him.
I'm like, yes, like I want to like get to
know you, I want to date you. And then I
have this photograph that he took. And mind you, at
the time when I had met him, he was going
back home for his um he was in remission for
five years at cancer when he was younger, and I
remember him going home and I remember dropping him off
(09:05):
at like a mega bus downtown in King Street, and
he took a photo and I remember him giving me
a couple of years later this image of this train station,
and Key wrote, this is the day I foun in
love with you and it was just this beautiful message
and I cherished it to this day because it just
brings me back to the silient memories of music. And
(09:27):
I'm like, this is a song that I'm listening to
when I think about you. And it was like James Blake.
It was like retrograde or something. Oh my god, I
love the song. Yeah. And for me, it's just like
I have this strong experience with him where I'm just like,
this dude is going back home because he's in a remission.
We're going to connect. And then fast forward and I
remember him pledging for this fraternity and it's the cutest
(09:49):
freaking thing. We do something called serenading and where we
serenade sororities, and I remember him sitting in front of
this auditorium in the Science building and I'm boarding it
and he's singing to me, and I'm just like, this
is the guy I'm gonna marry. This is the guy
I'm gonna marry. It was just the intent and the
way he stared at me and the way he like
(10:10):
I felt, the love I felt, the intention. It's one
of the salient memories that I think about and I
like it breaks my heart. Yeah, that's like such a
beautiful memory because it's not very often in young g
love that you have these really cinematic moments of falling
in love. Like what you just described was something from
(10:31):
a movie where you know, the high school sweethearts fault
walk into like a dance or something someone sings, And
that's kind of you know what we put in movies
saying that this is the dream, but rarely anyone lives it.
What was it like to have a dream come to
life back then? Did you ever expect that for yourself?
I never expected it to happen this strongly, with this
(10:52):
much force. I don't know what I expected when I
met him, honestly, Like I try to move through the
world with no expectations. I'm like, I don't know what's
gonna happen tomorrow, But when I met him, I was
just like, man. Literally, when you talk about movies and
being the protagonist in these kind of vignettes in your life,
I'm like, wow, Like we had a lot of those.
But I I realized at that point in my life
(11:16):
I am not the main character very early on, and
that was important for me to realize because Shane had
this fabulous story of overcoming cancer and coming from a
single parent home, and naturally, for some reason I fell back.
I was just like, this is the man I need
to support, This is the person I want to care for.
(11:37):
I felt at that point in my life where I
was just like, I have to be in your life
to get you to succeed, and our outcome will be
a life together. Soon after they both graduated from college,
Shane gets an opportunity to attend a predoctoral program at Columbia.
A huge opportunity, but what does that mean for two
(11:58):
young men that are deeply connected and clearly in love.
For Vincent, it meant supporting Shane through an open, long
distance relationship. And even though this might seem unconventional, this
idea that distance and other people was a way to
make their relationship work, their connection always brought them back
to each other. Longestan is hard, even if you do
(12:19):
open relationships, even if you do the video chats. Because
at one point he was studying abroad in like Wales
and Swansea, and we were doing video chats until seven
am before he had to go to classes. And then
you know, like we had all the tools to make
it work. And it's really the emotional connection to manature
that their security there that really like drove it home
for us. Yeah, and it's a lot to navigate, you know.
(12:41):
It's the emotional security that you have to figure out
from long distance of calling, checking in and showing up
for each other. Then there's also like the health security
of being like we're now an open relationship and you
may be sleeping with other people, and how to we
navigate this going where those conversations tough, navigating all of
those things, the health, the emotional, the physical, every No.
I think at first it was because I am I
(13:03):
am a Latino man. I am very forceful with the
way I talk. I say what's on my mind, and
he is very calm and not reserved, but very um
second guessing. And I think we had times of conflict
where I was just like, what's the problem and He's
just like, well, I want to talk about this, and
I'm like, dude, just say it, like you're my partner,
I love you. And I think we found a rhythm
(13:26):
of communication that really did work for us. And at
the end of the day, like the goal was not
I think for us to find solutions. It was just
to make sure that I felt like he felt supported
and that I felt supported and that I was taking
care of his needs and vice versa. But yeah, it was.
It was an interesting moment in life. I'm not gonna lie,
some very beautiful moments. And it was the series of
(13:49):
beautiful moments, one after the next over the next seven
years that brought the two closer together. They were so
in love, so in sync that finally, on Christmas Eve
one year been it decides to pop the question. And
like most big nerve racking things, the lead up to
the proposal was like something you'd read in a comedy,
the hot chocolate they buy before ice skating, just ending
(14:11):
up on their lap, that picture perfect ice skating moment
ending up being a long line that isn't worth the weight.
It's still like the relationship, the to make it work,
and so running out of ideas, they agreed to see
a movie, and I remember him also before that wanting
to show me this art installation that was like just
(14:31):
all these lights and it was off because it was
like too early and there was nothing on, and he's like, well,
I guess this is the end of the light show.
Like I think it was the end of the season
for it. And we come out of this movie theater
and they're on, and it was this beautiful music and
I love experimental are performance are? I love lights? And
(14:52):
this thing is on and I remember, like, this is
the moment I'm going to propose to him. And I
pulled out this ring that I bought earlier on and
I tell him I got this for you. And I
didn't want to get one knee because I'm like, look,
you and I are equal partners. I want you to
know like I'm in it with you. And I told them,
no matter what happens, no matter what happens in the
(15:13):
day in our lives, you know, I'm always gonna love you.
And next thing, you know, like we're just jumping for
joy and we're just enjoying each other's spirit. I just
remembered so vividly of these lights just turning on and
him laughing and smiling, and him calling his mom and
his family and and I'm just like, this is the
perfect day, regardless of what happened, regardless of the chocolate milk,
(15:36):
regardless of the three hour await for ice skating, regardless
of you know, it being too cold, or being able
to do anything. It was the perfect day. It was
the most pristine example of my relationship with him, where
things can go wrong, but that's okay because at the
end of the day, I have the love of my
life with me. Let's sit with this for a second,
(15:59):
because year we have Vincent who has literally waited so
long to have this moment, to be in the same
city as the man he loves, his future husband, only
to be ripped away from him in such a horrific way.
As gay men, and especially men of color, there's always
that thought of danger, the danger of being discriminated against
or homophobic violence, and for Vincent, the danger that came
(16:22):
with being a gay dancer from the ghetto, dodging sexual
health concerns that come with being in an open relationship.
But this part of his story is so sudden, so unexpected,
and just so tragic that it's difficult to imagine how
he was able to pick himself up after experiencing such grief.
We were long distance for a while, and even then
(16:44):
we were missing each other by planes. Like We went
to Chicago once and we saw some places, and the
goal was to see where we wanted to live and
next thing, you know, like he flew out there for
I think something with his lab. He was supposed to
work with the adapt lab over Northwestern, and I remember
sending him some some places to go see with a
real estate agent, and you know, he saw the place
(17:08):
once by himself and I'm like, is this the one.
He's like, yeah, okay, let's do it. So sign all
the paperwork went through it, and then I went there
to kind of do all the administrative stuff. So I
signed the paperwork and I made sure we had a
mattress in a bed and dishpots and stuff so that
you can eat. And then I would be moving several
months later, so we literally missed each other every step
of the way. It was hard because the last time
(17:30):
I really saw him before the incident, I remember saying
goodbye to him. We were seeing family in Orange County
and I remember he's wearing this stupid cat pushing shirt
that it's a little knee j and I remember seeing
him and taking a photo of him and I was like,
I love you, I'm gonna see you very soon. And
(17:53):
I didn't think that that would be the last time
I've seen a person. And a few days later actually
like maybe a weekly or he was flying to Chicago,
and I remember getting a call from him and like,
it's beautiful here, Like it's still picturesque. Could got off
the plane. Everything's going perfect, and he's driving down Lake
Shore Boulevard in Chicago and he's just like, it's so
(18:13):
pretty here, You're gonna love it. And then I remember
him getting home. He's calling me. He's like I can't
get in, and I'm like, what do you mean. He's
like the keys aren't working, and I remember trying to
trouble suit with him and someone finally let him in,
and I remember him finally getting into the front door
and he calls me, and it's just so crazy because
(18:34):
I remember telling him because he had he just got
in and he's like, I need to go buy hangers.
I want to make sure like things are hung up.
Might just stay home, just relax, go get some food,
order some take out, just try to do nothing. You've
been doing a lot. And he's like, okay, yeah, but
I really want to get hangers and okay, And I remember,
you know how iPhones you can take photos during uh,
during a FaceTime. I unintentionally did it a few times,
(18:57):
and I remember taking this photo of him laughing, and
even when I play it now, I'm just like, it
makes me very sad because that was one of the
last moments I had because literally fifteen minutes later he died.
And I remember checking his location because you know, like
I said before, the tools that we had were where
are you right now? Like are you at home? Cool?
(19:18):
I can call you, like I don't want to serve
if you're out with friends, And so I remember looking
at his location and I remember seeing him at the hospital.
I'm like, oh, what happened, Like did he cut his hand?
Like what's going on? And I thought like it was
something dumb, and then I remember calling the hospital. I'm like, hey, like,
I'm looking for a patient. His name Shank Columbo. Can
you help me find them? They're like, oh, one second,
and then I get transferred to doctor and she's like,
(19:39):
I'm so sorry he just passed away. And I was like,
I don't understand. I still I still don't understand, like
I have a a PTSD processing issue where it's like
the object permanence, like I just I didn't see him
say goodbye, Like it doesn't make sense to me. And
it was the most horrifying thing, because I remember so
(20:00):
many awful memories after that. I remember punching a wall
in the garage. I remember like seeing all my friends crying.
I remember beyond the floor. I remember calling his um,
his manager at his lab, and I had found his
number on the Northwestern website and it's like eleven o'clock
or something his time, and I was just like, Shane died,
(20:22):
like I don't know what to do. And I remember
just calling so many people, and it's crazy because I'm
the fixer. I like to solve problems, and I always
had an answer. I always had like some sort of solution.
And I remember calling my sister and begging her to
(20:44):
tell me what to do because I didn't know how
to move. I didn't know how to go from one
step to the next, and I just it just plays
back in my head and it's like the the worst
part of the movie that I didn't think I had
to experience, so it was. It was intense. It's still
very intense. It's the memories that I have, such beautiful
(21:07):
memories of my relationship and my life, and those are
the most horrific that I've experienced. I love how Vincent
keeps Shane's memory alive in such an admirable way, because
it would be easy to be angry and stay in
that place of hurt, of sadness, of hopelessness, but what
(21:28):
he has done is completely the opposite. He's been able
to not just advocate alongside other survivors, but he's also
used Shane's love as a catalyst to create space for more.
At that point, I was losing weight, I was not eating.
I was by myself in Chicago because I had this
like mindset that I have to go, like I have
(21:50):
to move. And so I remember going and being depressed
and on the couch in this home that was empty
because all we had at that point was a couch
that we had chose, like a few weeks before. And
I remember this friend calling me and saying, hey, like,
have you heard of every town? Like do you want
to tell your story? I'm like, I was so mad.
I was like, no, absolutely not, Like this is very personal.
(22:13):
It's still a very personal experience, and I have reservations
at times, but for me, I realized the story is
what matters. Like me telling his name over and over
again is a way for me to solidify his potential
in life. And what was taken from him. And when
I found out out every town, it was so hard
(22:33):
because I'm like, no one's gonna understand, no one's going
to really understand what I'm going through. And then loan behold,
I come into this conference with all these Mom's Demand
in every town volunteers and activists, and literally we're all crying.
We're all talking about the loved ones we lost and
the manner it happened, and it was just like to
have that community, to have people there with you to
(22:56):
talk about what had happened. It changes the way you
think about your relationhip to others and the way you
moved through the world. Because at the end of the day,
like I wanted community, I want someone to understand. And
then that happens to me when I talked to a
Mom's Man Action volunteer or colleague and they're like, I
get it, And I know they get it because they've
experienced it, like either they've been a victim of gun
(23:17):
violence directly affected or they're just an advocate. And it's
like it was so important to me at the time
and it still is to be part of the community
because again, telling the story is the way I'm keeping
his memory alive, but then also doing my part in
this entire political schema to ensure that people who aren't
supposed to have guns don't have them. Because again, let
(23:38):
me boost up shame for a second cancer survivor, putting
himself through college, single family home, was volunteering at a hospital,
was doing v a research, like literally everything you can
think of for this person, and that was taken away
by some stupidity and something that shouldn't have happened in
the first place. It's amazing that that still happens in
(24:00):
country even to this day. Like the statistic is every
day a honey people died from good violence, which is nuts.
And Shane was one of those on that day. And
I think what the work with every Town has really
brought to me is telling the story and being advocate
is the best way to put your energy because it
changes you from being not necessarily sad. It's okay to
(24:22):
be sad, but it channels that into a different way
to ensure like you are being an advocate for for
things that are important to you. Rebuilding a life, or
even thinking about loving another person might feel like it's
impossible with a love like Vincent and chains. It's easy
to see how Vincent was able to rebuild a life
(24:42):
and even find a new love despite feeling so much
pain because this deep admiration, this deep respect, acts as
a sort of guide, a pattern of sorts that he
uses to keep loving himself and in turn keep their
love alive forever. The love that I had for Shane
is not finite. It exists in the ether and it's
(25:05):
always there. And I think what brought me a lot
of hope is the fact that love is existent, it
is still there. I still feel it. I see it
in the memories that play in my head, and the
fact that I can find love after loss and set
myself up for this experience just it's it's incredible to me.
(25:25):
I think just knowing that it's there is always going
to be a way to get through hope and to
find purpose. But at the end of the day, it's
like setting that goal, like I talked about earlier, setting
that milestone, Like what does that? What does that really
mean for me? Like what do I want to be?
And it's like, well, I want to be happy, I
want to be in love, I want to have the
things that Shane and I were meant to have, but
(25:46):
I also want to be the protagonist of my story. Now.
I have a beautiful partner who I love two pieces.
His name is James, and the fact that I sit
in the middle of James and Shane means the world
to me because I know that James cares and loves
(26:08):
for me and loves Shane, and I know Shane would
love him to pieces. It just makes you so much
sure that you just have to navigate all that stuff
to find purpose and to find love. And it's work.
I'm not saying it's not work. I'm not saying that
it's never going to be easy. But you have to
find the purpose and you have to find the end
goal because if you don't, then it's going to seem
like Milutia and you're not going to know where to go.
(26:29):
And I think Shane for all of that. I don't
know about you, but after this conversation, the first thing
I'm going to do tonight is give my partner the
biggest hug. And it's not just because of the sad
parts of the story. It's because of how much hope
Vincent brings to the table, the way that he's been
able to cope with his own grief is admirable in itself,
(26:52):
but it's also the way he's able to lean into
that pain, dig deep, and help others stand up for
safer neighborhoods, stricter laws. Is nothing short of amazing. Vincent
has found a way to survive through his authenticity by
literally and simply feeling, because he shows us that even
when times are desolate, those days when life just gets heavy,
(27:13):
or when the unexpected happens, there's always love inside of
us that's worth living for. We are so excited for
you to be here for season two of In the
Deep Stories That Shape Us. Keep coming back every other
week and taking these powerful stories of Black and Latino
people as they take us on their own healing journeys.
(27:33):
In the Deep Stories That Shape Us is executive produced
by myself, Zack Stafford, and Ivan Chian and mastered by
James Foster and our writer is Yvette Lopez. A shout
out to our guest, Vincent Peress
Host
Zach Stafford
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