This week, Brenda writes into Amy and T.J.’s weekly Yahoo Advice column and says her husband’s ex-wife, Betty, is always around and is constantly hugging and kissing on him. Hear what Amy and T.J. think Brenda should do, after she’s already told him she’s not comfortable going to the next family event if the ex is there, and he’s already told her, he’s going without her.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey, there are folks. It is Monday, August eighteenth, and
one of our readers to our Yahoo column Brenda. She
wrote in and she needs a little relationship advice. You see,
she's a second wife and her husband's grandkids. Well they're
not the problem. Actually it's grandma. Yeah, grandma one if
(00:24):
you will. So what exactly is a woman to do? Well?
My take is, well, this does not have anything to
do with anybody being a grandma or a granddad. This
is just a classic old X story. And your take
Rope initially.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Was, uh, this is about respect. So when you have
a second wife and you have to have a relationship
with your first wife because of your children or your grandchildren, whatever,
that is a lot of folks are familiar with this.
If the ex is flirty, as Brenda is saying, and
touchy feely, then yeah, it's a matter of respect. He
needs to have some boundary.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
So yes, folks, welcome to this relationship edition of Amy
and TJ, where we go through the new column of
the week, that new column on Yahoo dot com and
the life section you can check it out, where we
give folks right into us asking questions about relationships and
not just about romantic relationships. It could be with a coworker,
with a friend, or with a relative of any kind.
(01:21):
But we got a new one this week from Brenda
and Robe. This has been a They're interesting in the
back and forth and some of the details and the
ones and the questions we've been getting are a little different,
but they all really come down to a core principle
and it might just be respect and overwhelmingly the ones
we've been getting.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Yeah, it's interesting because every problem, every question obviously is different,
coming from a different person, from a completely different problem,
and yet they all do seem to center. And then
I started thinking about conflict in general, and doesn't it
usually oftentimes revolve around boundaries and respect and not knowing
how to create either, sometimes times from either end. So
(02:01):
someone feels slided, someone feels like they're not getting what
they need, and that's a lot of the miscommunication. I
think that happens because people don't understand each other's needs,
or at least they don't care to try and take
them into account.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
And we want to thank everybody who has written in.
I guess we're up to eight, nine, ten weeks of
this that we've been doing it so far, but I
mean it takes a lot to the only giving first
names usually not identify themselves fully, but it takes a
lot to write in and some of this stuff is
incredibly personal. Some of it's embarrassing, you could argue. But
nobody likes to feel like they're alone in their problem,
but you usually do because you look on Instagram and
(02:37):
everybody else's relationship is perfect, So why am I having problems?
But really, some of these folks, and some of the
answers as well, that the response is people have given
have been very thoughtful and open.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
Yes, exactly, And I think that's the whole reason why
we were excited about this, because life is messy and
we might not show it to everybody. But when you
have the opportunity, perhaps to even be anonymous, you can
kind of lean into your problems and recognize that, yes,
we all have similar versions of them in our own
lives if we're honest with ourselves. So this week's question
(03:08):
comes to us from Brenda. How about we go ahead
and read it in its entirety. Brenda writes this Amy
and TJ. My husband has grandchildren from a previous marriage,
which isn't a problem. However, their grandmother. Betty, the ex wife,
is always around. I've told him I can tolerate her
being there for things like their grandkid's graduation, but not
(03:30):
every time we get invited somewhere. For example, last weekend,
we were at a birthday party for someone on his
side of the family, her ex in law. So she's
no longer a part of that family, right, okay, so
x in laws? Why is she there? And every time
they meet, Betty is hugging and kissing on my husband.
She just can't say hi and move along. I've asked
(03:51):
him over and over to set boundaries, but he acts
like he doesn't know what that means. I told him
I am not comfortable going to our next event if
she'll be there, and he said, Okay, I'm going anyway. Really,
what do I do? Brenda?
Speaker 1 (04:06):
Your first question is? My first question is how long
have you all been together? And how long was the
first relationship? I just read again. This has been so
interesting to go back and read this and follow along
and read it this way. Now I'm thinking about it
a lot differently, But that's my first question. How long
have you two been married? And then how long was
he married to the other? Because it's possible they've got
(04:28):
a decade. We're talking about grandchildren. These are her grandchildren.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
That's fine, and I think that's fine obviously if she
wants to be around the grandchildren. But I don't think
it should matter how long they were married the X
and him versus how long she is with her new husband.
They are now the current relationship. It should be the
most important relationship, and that should actually everything should trickle
down from there. So I don't care what history you have.
(04:51):
She's not asking him to be disrespectful, rude, or not
pay attention. She's just saying, hey, can she not always
be there? And when she's there, can you at least
asked her not to touch, hug and kiss you.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Let's take about the first problem that you don't want
her there in the first does she have to always
be there? So this is where my first question comes
into play. If this woman, these kids, she's been in
this family. We are possibly talking about twenty thirty forty
plus years that she has been a part of this
family unit. Now you're talking about grandkids. We don't know
(05:25):
the ages, but we can assume they're fairly young, some
formative years that grandma wants to be around for in
every family event, every graduation, every dance, every birthday. Now
for the family, it feels like something's missing. Oh, the
lady who's been here for the past twenty years, grandma,
(05:46):
So I'm saying, so I asked that she might for
the rest of the family be family. We don't know
anything else. And that's where I started with how long
because she should be around I think almost for everything
of those are her grandkids.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
Yeah, I don't issue at all with the fact that
ex wife slash grandma wants to be at the family
functions and it seems as though is invited to the
family functions and guess what new wife wife number two again,
don't know how long you've been there. You don't get
to decide who comes to other people's parties. So I
do believe that, Sorry Brenda, but you don't get a
(06:19):
say and whether or not she's there. You don't get
to say whether or not she shows up because that's
someone else's party, that someone else's graduation, that someone else's celebration,
and if they want to invite the X she gets
to be there. Now, where I do think Brenda gets
to have the say in it is how she her
husband interacts with his ex wife. I do think she
does get a Saymas, we are.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
Not going to have any issues there. There is nothing
to talk about there. I was trying to take it
before we even got to the explosive car. I was
trying to take it piecemeal. Let's take out the inappropriate
hugging and touching and kissing or whatever. It would be
annoying to have her always around, But can you see
that possibly understandable that she would.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
Be Yeah, and I agree it can be annoying, but unfortunately,
having been a second wife at least one time around,
now that comes with the territory. When you enter into
a relationship, and certainly a marriage with somebody who has
had a previous family, that comes with him and you
just have to accept it. And yes, I know, accepting
(07:21):
kids and grandkids is one thing. Accepting an X is
a lot harder, and that has to be really difficult.
I feel for Brenda that's uncomfortable, that's it feels maybe
even alienating. But that's where you just have to suck
it up. I do believe you just have to say,
this is the man I chose to marry, this is
the relationship I chose to enter in, and it comes
with a history, and it comes with, for lack of
(07:41):
a better term, baggage, and that is something I've accepted
by marrying him, Okay.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
And I'm not we are absolutely going to get to
the inappropriate, the hugging and the kissing and being too
close wrapping up though this idea just to her presence,
what do you do here? I don't know what to do.
How disrespectful and hurtful this can be. If she told
him how uncomfortable she is that she does not want
to go to the next event if the ex is
(08:06):
going to be there, his response being well, I'm going anyway.
There's got to be more to that conversation, because that's
obviously the wrong thing to say.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
Clearly, we don't know how she said it to him,
so oftentimes we I mean, anyone who's been in a
relationship knows. So I'm the one who's upset. I kind
of draw an ultimatum if she doesn't stop acting like that,
I don't want to be at the next party, and
I don't want us to go if she's going to
be there, and he kind of gets annoyed that she's
drawing an ultimatum, and so he says, I'm going anyway.
(08:36):
You can see how that may have happened or escalated
to that point.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
Yeah, So so to that part of the conversation. Look,
the first part about her being around all the time, Yes,
that's some stuff you just got to deal with. This
next part about you've got to have a more respectful
conversation than that. It can't be. I don't want you
to go, well, I'm going anyway, end of story and
end of relationship. You just you can't resolve anything no
(09:01):
matter what you're talking about it. If you want to
watch her tonight, I want to watch comedy, Okay, you
go to that room. I goes that's not resolution of
any kind. So you can't do that. This next part though,
about the touchy feely, that doesn't necessarily make sense to me, sweetheart,
because there's no one who would accept that in any relationship.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
Period.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
They just won't. So I don't I don't know why
that's a debate of any kind, is she? I almost
feel and I'm not knocking you here, Brenda for this
for writing in it. Almost that's gotta be. It sounds
so nuts as I feel like it's a misrepresentation, like
maybe it's not that bad. So I'm trying to take
Brenda at her word because I just don't understand how
(09:44):
anybody would do this in front of their spouse be
lovey dovey with an X.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
Well, maybe he's not being lovey dovey, but he's not
stopping her from being lovey dovey. And I can look
at it from a female perspective, and I could see
a scenario in which Brenda's husband's ex her name is Betty,
So I can see a scenario in which Betty feels
her power. Betty knows she's pissing off Brenda. Betty knows
(10:12):
it's upsetting Brenda. And how many first wives like the
second wives and vice versa. That's a very difficult. I
wouldn't want to call it a relationship situationship because it
only happens when the two have to be in the
same room together. So there is a bit of a
power struggle that sometimes happens between the former and the
current wife. And so I wouldn't put it past Betty,
(10:33):
and I don't know her to lean into that because
she knows, she knows she's getting under Brenda's skin and
it's a power play, and the problem is the husband
isn't stopping it. The husband isn't saying Betty, you can't
keep coming up to me like this. Obviously it's not appropriate.
Can you please just keep our contact. We can be
(10:55):
as friendly and as cordial as we possibly can, but please,
please please, let's let's not hug and kiss upsetting my wife.
Speaker 1 (11:01):
So now you've gotten to the dude part of it,
I can understand, because the first part of that I
didn't because it's not where a guy's head would ever be.
I would this whole thing we've been I don't know.
This question came to us and we answered this weeks
ago for the column. It's never crossed my mind, this
idea that women would be in some kind of powerful well.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
That's hilarious. It just doesn't first thing that pops in.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
You're right, and it makes sense now as you've said it.
But my mind doesn't go there, and guy's minds maybe
don't necessarily go there. But when you said that, okay,
that so that's a whole new dynamic women within it.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Two minutes, it might even be ninety seconds if meeting
one another kind of know if they're going to like
each other or not. I don't know what it is.
It's this energy read that sometimes happened, and it doesn't
happen between all women, but certainly women who are in
adversarial roles. And I would argue that a first wife
and a second wife are just almost in a way,
in a competitive role. Not everybody, so I can get
(11:53):
along very well.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
But by its very nature.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
Ye yes, just like from a like, just not even
taking from a personal or specific point, just generally speaking,
that could potentially be a powder keg an adversarial relationship.
So then you add to it someone putting a little
power play to it. That that is deliberate, that is
not accidental, that is not whoopsie.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
So all right, you're saying this is what Betty's doing.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
I think this is, but Brenda is taking the bait.
Speaker 1 (12:22):
Oh go, go all we don't know Betty.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
And husband needs to step up.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
Okay. So here's the thing I told you. That was
the part I absolutely couldn't relate to when you started
talking about that, But then you got to the dude
part of it. So now let me tell you the
part of this all guys absolutely can relate to.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
Welcome back to this edition of Amy and TJ. It's
the Ask Amy and TJ edition of our podcast where
we are going over our latest column in Yahoo on
the Life section. This question, relationship question, came to us
from Brenda. She is not happy about her husband's ex wife,
the first wife, how she acts around her husband. And
(13:10):
apparently the ex wife, whose name is Betty, is around
all the time. See, they share grandkids together, and there
are lots of moments where the families all come together,
and Brenda isn't having how Betty is acting around her husband,
and her husband seems to be doing nothing about it
at all.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
And let's not put words in Brenda's mouth here. Where
is it about the hugging and kissing Here? Every time
they meet, Betty is hugging and kissing on my husband.
She can't just say hi and move along. That's the
only description we've got of the behavior is she is
hugging and kissing on my husband. Now, the part I
(13:48):
didn't understand you said, immediately when you saw this scenario,
you thought this was women going at it, and maybe
that's something that women listening to this immediately recognized that.
Me as a guy, I did until you said, look.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
I'd love it if it weren't true. And I am
certainly taking or making some assumptions here, but my thought
is that, yes, first wife just putting a little power
play on second wife, and it wouldn't be surprising to
me if she was doing it deliberately because she can see.
And by the way, you can tell if someone is
irritated or annoyed or you're pissing them off. And so
I think that possibly Betty might be getting a little
(14:23):
enjoyment out of upsetting Brenda.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
Okay, so you said that once you said, I'm like, okay, yes,
that makes perfect sense, but my mind didn't go there. However,
I have been struggling robes to understand why this guy.
This is very simple to shut this down, like, it's
very easy. This is the woman you want to be with.
Now you've committed to her. You all are married. There's
nothing else there is. I don't you know what. Of all,
(14:47):
there's not a woman in the world that should be
hugging and kissing on him in front of his wife.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
Not one, you know what. I so agree with you.
Maybe his mother or his sister, Okay, and that's it.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
But of all women in the world, the last one
to be doing it should be his ex wife in
front of his current wife. So I am confused as
to why that's possible. And then you put that scenario
in my head, and I'm like, Oh, he's loving the attention.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
And that's what I think. I think this is loveing Meg.
Who doesn't slightly in the back of their mind, doesn't
want to admit it, but doesn't who doesn't like being
fought over? You're so valuable. You've got two women who
are clearly fighting for you or over you, and maybe
in some way that feels kind of good.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
Okay, I know I want to give him the benefit
of the doubt, but I cannot make any sense out
of why he would allow and this to go on.
You you don't have to even put your ex wife
in check. This is just a matter of no, You're
not going to participate in anything like that in front
of your wife. I don't understand it. And then you
put that scenario, So maybe that is the best thing
(15:55):
I can come up with to explain why he would
let this go on.
Speaker 2 (15:59):
Well, part of my advice to Brenda was to put
it to him like this, can you reverse the roles?
Can you imagine if a man who I had slept with,
had children with, share grandchildren with, is now coming up
in front of you and kissing me and hugging me
and being touchy feely and not just saying hi and by,
(16:19):
but lingering and flirting, how would you feel like? Just
put yourself in that position and imagine how that would
make you feel as a partner.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
Yeah, and the answer is pretty simple. So this one
seemed very simple. Obviously, their details or whatnot we cannot
We will never know. But this is a simple matter
we go through about respect, and we have all learned lessons.
We've all been disrespected in relationships. We've all inadvertently sometimes
and some people just do it blatantly with disrespect and relationships.
(16:51):
But that is so so key. And here's another example,
and again that it's common ropes. Like I said, we
all deal with this thing about respect. The scenarios have
to do with it, even if some of the details.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
Change exactly, it comes down to the same theme. What
would you What did you tell Betty to do? What
should she do? I think that she should say something.
The worst thing she could do is say nothing and
just have this resentment. I know she's already said something,
and she's already kind of drawn an ultimatum. But I
think she needs to actually explain to her husband how
she feels, ask him to reverse the rules and ask
(17:26):
him how he would feel, and get him to understand
how devastating it feels to her, and how scary it
feels to her, and how threatening it feels to her.
I know it's hard sometimes too. Instead of just we
all want to point the fingers that you did this,
and you didn't do this, and you should do this.
But instead instead of saying, you start with I. I know,
I well, that sounds very like something you've learned in therapy,
but it certainly is. If you say, I am feeling
(17:48):
really vulnerable, I'm feeling really threatened, and when you allow
this to happen, it scares me. I feel like somehow
our relationship is threatened. Please, please, please, can you help
me by doing this and say it in a sweet way,
in a loving way, And because I want a relationship
to continue to grow and flourish, this is this is
really causing a major problem for me.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
But you can imagine there's probably some insecurity in that
he was with this woman, and we could only get
we're talking about grandkids, somebody he was with twenty thirty
plus years in all likelihood, how long has he been
married to this woman? Now? Probably not that long, if
you could argue she probably does still feel some competition
or this is so yeah, he has all now she
has the witness all this he established in a family.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
And you know what's happening in front of everyone too,
which I think adds to it. It adds to that
feeling of yeah, of vulnerability that somehow everyone else has
this long standing history together and you're the odd man out,
and so I just I would hope that he could
be sensitive to what that feels like going into another
family that has roots that you don't have.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
You know what that is? You know, that's a good
lesson to everybody. Look, you and I. Look, there's a
reason people come up to us on the street and
people write to us here. No matter what people think
about our relationship and how it started, it's something we
are proud of, despite the lie that's been told about
our relationship and how it started. But so many people
walk up to us and are constantly having a conversation
(19:14):
about what should I do? I went through this, it
becomes a safe place, and this woman as well, and
asking this question. We have all dealt with and you
and I have dealt with me bringing you into an
environment or you bringing me into an environment where you
always feel kind of on edge, like you're being pulled
(19:35):
in this direction. I've got to make sure my new
person's happy, or I got to make sure my family's happy.
I got to make sure everybody's getting along. That's tough,
what they've laid out here with grand children, all this
stuff and all this scenario is something a bunch of
us deal with. Yeah, you're trying to balance. I mean,
I deal with this with you and Sabine. Sometimes not
the case anymore. I want to make sure I'm giving
the right amount of attention to you and to her,
(19:57):
and that we're all getting enough attention together. These things,
it's just there. And this sounds like one of those
scenarios on a bunch grander scale. Yeah, and that's uncomfortable.
It's awkward, and it takes like trust and time and
sometimes years to get to a comfortable spot.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
I think that's so well said, babe, and it's something
that so many people deal with. And I think at
the end of the day, if you have chosen this
person to spend your life with, you have to put
them first. And it doesn't mean you have to be
disrespectful to anyone else who's important in your life, but
you have to put that relationship first and understand and
respect each other's needs and but you have to communicate
(20:35):
them effectively and not emotionally. And that's really hard to
do sometimes.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
And that's a balance, right, he should be respecting maybe
his marriage more. She maybe should be respecting his history,
his family has passed a little more. There's a balance there.
These two could be okay, But that's a tough one.
We've all I didn't think again, this stuff hits me
once we start doing this, even though we've thought about
this scenario before, but it hits me here and never
(20:59):
really put us in, all of us in that scenario. Interesting.
Speaker 2 (21:04):
Well, we want to thank Brenda for writing in and
we want to actually encourage any of you listening to this.
Please please please go look at the column, read all
through it, and then leave a comment because we'll follow
up later this week. We'll go through all of your comments.
You all have amazing advice and sometimes it has some
very funny anecdotal just experiences that relate to this, We
(21:25):
appreciate it. It just it's nice to have everyone talking, communicating,
understanding each other and maybe learning something in the process.
Speaker 1 (21:31):
And don't be mean. We appreciate you being open and honest.
Some people have been very open, yes, and admitting some
things in our own past to relate, so we appreciate that.
Don't be means of these folks. We're all trying to
give everybody, the husband, the wife, and the ex wife.
Everybody has the benefit of the that.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
I'm going to believe everyone who listens to this podcast
is not one of the mean ones. They're one of
the good ones.
Speaker 1 (21:49):
Right, And please feel free to leave your We'll give
you credit with your name and a locator if you
can tell us where you are, it would be nice
to know where in the country you are you write.
Speaker 2 (21:58):
It all right, Well, thank you all for listening to
us today. We hope you have a wonderful Monday and
rest of your week, and we'll see us soon.
Hey, there are folks. It is Monday, August eighteenth, and
one of our readers to our Yahoo column Brenda. She
wrote in and she needs a little relationship advice. You see,
she's a second wife and her husband's grandkids. Well they're
not the problem. Actually it's grandma. Yeah, grandma one if
(00:24):
you will. So what exactly is a woman to do? Well?
My take is, well, this does not have anything to
do with anybody being a grandma or a granddad. This
is just a classic old X story. And your take
Rope initially.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Was, uh, this is about respect. So when you have
a second wife and you have to have a relationship
with your first wife because of your children or your grandchildren, whatever,
that is a lot of folks are familiar with this.
If the ex is flirty, as Brenda is saying, and
touchy feely, then yeah, it's a matter of respect. He
needs to have some boundary.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
So yes, folks, welcome to this relationship edition of Amy
and TJ, where we go through the new column of
the week, that new column on Yahoo dot com and
the life section you can check it out, where we
give folks right into us asking questions about relationships and
not just about romantic relationships. It could be with a coworker,
with a friend, or with a relative of any kind.
(01:21):
But we got a new one this week from Brenda
and Robe. This has been a They're interesting in the
back and forth and some of the details and the
ones and the questions we've been getting are a little different,
but they all really come down to a core principle
and it might just be respect and overwhelmingly the ones
we've been getting.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Yeah, it's interesting because every problem, every question obviously is different,
coming from a different person, from a completely different problem,
and yet they all do seem to center. And then
I started thinking about conflict in general, and doesn't it
usually oftentimes revolve around boundaries and respect and not knowing
how to create either, sometimes times from either end. So
(02:01):
someone feels slided, someone feels like they're not getting what
they need, and that's a lot of the miscommunication. I
think that happens because people don't understand each other's needs,
or at least they don't care to try and take
them into account.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
And we want to thank everybody who has written in.
I guess we're up to eight, nine, ten weeks of
this that we've been doing it so far, but I
mean it takes a lot to the only giving first
names usually not identify themselves fully, but it takes a
lot to write in and some of this stuff is
incredibly personal. Some of it's embarrassing, you could argue. But
nobody likes to feel like they're alone in their problem,
but you usually do because you look on Instagram and
(02:37):
everybody else's relationship is perfect, So why am I having problems?
But really, some of these folks, and some of the
answers as well, that the response is people have given
have been very thoughtful and open.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
Yes, exactly, And I think that's the whole reason why
we were excited about this, because life is messy and
we might not show it to everybody. But when you
have the opportunity, perhaps to even be anonymous, you can
kind of lean into your problems and recognize that, yes,
we all have similar versions of them in our own
lives if we're honest with ourselves. So this week's question
(03:08):
comes to us from Brenda. How about we go ahead
and read it in its entirety. Brenda writes this Amy
and TJ. My husband has grandchildren from a previous marriage,
which isn't a problem. However, their grandmother. Betty, the ex wife,
is always around. I've told him I can tolerate her
being there for things like their grandkid's graduation, but not
(03:30):
every time we get invited somewhere. For example, last weekend,
we were at a birthday party for someone on his
side of the family, her ex in law. So she's
no longer a part of that family, right, okay, so
x in laws? Why is she there? And every time
they meet, Betty is hugging and kissing on my husband.
She just can't say hi and move along. I've asked
(03:51):
him over and over to set boundaries, but he acts
like he doesn't know what that means. I told him
I am not comfortable going to our next event if
she'll be there, and he said, Okay, I'm going anyway. Really,
what do I do? Brenda?
Speaker 1 (04:06):
Your first question is? My first question is how long
have you all been together? And how long was the
first relationship? I just read again. This has been so
interesting to go back and read this and follow along
and read it this way. Now I'm thinking about it
a lot differently, But that's my first question. How long
have you two been married? And then how long was
he married to the other? Because it's possible they've got
(04:28):
a decade. We're talking about grandchildren. These are her grandchildren.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
That's fine, and I think that's fine obviously if she
wants to be around the grandchildren. But I don't think
it should matter how long they were married the X
and him versus how long she is with her new husband.
They are now the current relationship. It should be the
most important relationship, and that should actually everything should trickle
down from there. So I don't care what history you have.
(04:51):
She's not asking him to be disrespectful, rude, or not
pay attention. She's just saying, hey, can she not always
be there? And when she's there, can you at least
asked her not to touch, hug and kiss you.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Let's take about the first problem that you don't want
her there in the first does she have to always
be there? So this is where my first question comes
into play. If this woman, these kids, she's been in
this family. We are possibly talking about twenty thirty forty
plus years that she has been a part of this
family unit. Now you're talking about grandkids. We don't know
(05:25):
the ages, but we can assume they're fairly young, some
formative years that grandma wants to be around for in
every family event, every graduation, every dance, every birthday. Now
for the family, it feels like something's missing. Oh, the
lady who's been here for the past twenty years, grandma,
(05:46):
So I'm saying, so I asked that she might for
the rest of the family be family. We don't know
anything else. And that's where I started with how long
because she should be around I think almost for everything
of those are her grandkids.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
Yeah, I don't issue at all with the fact that
ex wife slash grandma wants to be at the family
functions and it seems as though is invited to the
family functions and guess what new wife wife number two again,
don't know how long you've been there. You don't get
to decide who comes to other people's parties. So I
do believe that, Sorry Brenda, but you don't get a
(06:19):
say and whether or not she's there. You don't get
to say whether or not she shows up because that's
someone else's party, that someone else's graduation, that someone else's celebration,
and if they want to invite the X she gets
to be there. Now, where I do think Brenda gets
to have the say in it is how she her
husband interacts with his ex wife. I do think she
does get a Saymas, we are.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
Not going to have any issues there. There is nothing
to talk about there. I was trying to take it
before we even got to the explosive car. I was
trying to take it piecemeal. Let's take out the inappropriate
hugging and touching and kissing or whatever. It would be
annoying to have her always around, But can you see
that possibly understandable that she would.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
Be Yeah, and I agree it can be annoying, but unfortunately,
having been a second wife at least one time around,
now that comes with the territory. When you enter into
a relationship, and certainly a marriage with somebody who has
had a previous family, that comes with him and you
just have to accept it. And yes, I know, accepting
(07:21):
kids and grandkids is one thing. Accepting an X is
a lot harder, and that has to be really difficult.
I feel for Brenda that's uncomfortable, that's it feels maybe
even alienating. But that's where you just have to suck
it up. I do believe you just have to say,
this is the man I chose to marry, this is
the relationship I chose to enter in, and it comes
with a history, and it comes with, for lack of
(07:41):
a better term, baggage, and that is something I've accepted
by marrying him, Okay.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
And I'm not we are absolutely going to get to
the inappropriate, the hugging and the kissing and being too
close wrapping up though this idea just to her presence,
what do you do here? I don't know what to do.
How disrespectful and hurtful this can be. If she told
him how uncomfortable she is that she does not want
to go to the next event if the ex is
(08:06):
going to be there, his response being well, I'm going anyway.
There's got to be more to that conversation, because that's
obviously the wrong thing to say.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
Clearly, we don't know how she said it to him,
so oftentimes we I mean, anyone who's been in a
relationship knows. So I'm the one who's upset. I kind
of draw an ultimatum if she doesn't stop acting like that,
I don't want to be at the next party, and
I don't want us to go if she's going to
be there, and he kind of gets annoyed that she's
drawing an ultimatum, and so he says, I'm going anyway.
(08:36):
You can see how that may have happened or escalated
to that point.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
Yeah, So so to that part of the conversation. Look,
the first part about her being around all the time, Yes,
that's some stuff you just got to deal with. This
next part about you've got to have a more respectful
conversation than that. It can't be. I don't want you
to go, well, I'm going anyway, end of story and
end of relationship. You just you can't resolve anything no
(09:01):
matter what you're talking about it. If you want to
watch her tonight, I want to watch comedy, Okay, you
go to that room. I goes that's not resolution of
any kind. So you can't do that. This next part though,
about the touchy feely, that doesn't necessarily make sense to me, sweetheart,
because there's no one who would accept that in any relationship.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
Period.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
They just won't. So I don't I don't know why
that's a debate of any kind, is she? I almost
feel and I'm not knocking you here, Brenda for this
for writing in it. Almost that's gotta be. It sounds
so nuts as I feel like it's a misrepresentation, like
maybe it's not that bad. So I'm trying to take
Brenda at her word because I just don't understand how
(09:44):
anybody would do this in front of their spouse be
lovey dovey with an X.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
Well, maybe he's not being lovey dovey, but he's not
stopping her from being lovey dovey. And I can look
at it from a female perspective, and I could see
a scenario in which Brenda's husband's ex her name is Betty,
So I can see a scenario in which Betty feels
her power. Betty knows she's pissing off Brenda. Betty knows
(10:12):
it's upsetting Brenda. And how many first wives like the
second wives and vice versa. That's a very difficult. I
wouldn't want to call it a relationship situationship because it
only happens when the two have to be in the
same room together. So there is a bit of a
power struggle that sometimes happens between the former and the
current wife. And so I wouldn't put it past Betty,
(10:33):
and I don't know her to lean into that because
she knows, she knows she's getting under Brenda's skin and
it's a power play, and the problem is the husband
isn't stopping it. The husband isn't saying Betty, you can't
keep coming up to me like this. Obviously it's not appropriate.
Can you please just keep our contact. We can be
(10:55):
as friendly and as cordial as we possibly can, but please,
please please, let's let's not hug and kiss upsetting my wife.
Speaker 1 (11:01):
So now you've gotten to the dude part of it,
I can understand, because the first part of that I
didn't because it's not where a guy's head would ever be.
I would this whole thing we've been I don't know.
This question came to us and we answered this weeks
ago for the column. It's never crossed my mind, this
idea that women would be in some kind of powerful well.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
That's hilarious. It just doesn't first thing that pops in.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
You're right, and it makes sense now as you've said it.
But my mind doesn't go there, and guy's minds maybe
don't necessarily go there. But when you said that, okay,
that so that's a whole new dynamic women within it.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Two minutes, it might even be ninety seconds if meeting
one another kind of know if they're going to like
each other or not. I don't know what it is.
It's this energy read that sometimes happened, and it doesn't
happen between all women, but certainly women who are in
adversarial roles. And I would argue that a first wife
and a second wife are just almost in a way,
in a competitive role. Not everybody, so I can get
(11:53):
along very well.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
But by its very nature.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
Ye yes, just like from a like, just not even
taking from a personal or specific point, just generally speaking,
that could potentially be a powder keg an adversarial relationship.
So then you add to it someone putting a little
power play to it. That that is deliberate, that is
not accidental, that is not whoopsie.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
So all right, you're saying this is what Betty's doing.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
I think this is, but Brenda is taking the bait.
Speaker 1 (12:22):
Oh go, go all we don't know Betty.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
And husband needs to step up.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
Okay. So here's the thing I told you. That was
the part I absolutely couldn't relate to when you started
talking about that, But then you got to the dude
part of it. So now let me tell you the
part of this all guys absolutely can relate to.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
Welcome back to this edition of Amy and TJ. It's
the Ask Amy and TJ edition of our podcast where
we are going over our latest column in Yahoo on
the Life section. This question, relationship question, came to us
from Brenda. She is not happy about her husband's ex wife,
the first wife, how she acts around her husband. And
(13:10):
apparently the ex wife, whose name is Betty, is around
all the time. See, they share grandkids together, and there
are lots of moments where the families all come together,
and Brenda isn't having how Betty is acting around her husband,
and her husband seems to be doing nothing about it
at all.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
And let's not put words in Brenda's mouth here. Where
is it about the hugging and kissing Here? Every time
they meet, Betty is hugging and kissing on my husband.
She can't just say hi and move along. That's the
only description we've got of the behavior is she is
hugging and kissing on my husband. Now, the part I
(13:48):
didn't understand you said, immediately when you saw this scenario,
you thought this was women going at it, and maybe
that's something that women listening to this immediately recognized that.
Me as a guy, I did until you said, look.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
I'd love it if it weren't true. And I am
certainly taking or making some assumptions here, but my thought
is that, yes, first wife just putting a little power
play on second wife, and it wouldn't be surprising to
me if she was doing it deliberately because she can see.
And by the way, you can tell if someone is
irritated or annoyed or you're pissing them off. And so
I think that possibly Betty might be getting a little
(14:23):
enjoyment out of upsetting Brenda.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
Okay, so you said that once you said, I'm like, okay, yes,
that makes perfect sense, but my mind didn't go there. However,
I have been struggling robes to understand why this guy.
This is very simple to shut this down, like, it's
very easy. This is the woman you want to be with.
Now you've committed to her. You all are married. There's
nothing else there is. I don't you know what. Of all,
(14:47):
there's not a woman in the world that should be
hugging and kissing on him in front of his wife.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
Not one, you know what. I so agree with you.
Maybe his mother or his sister, Okay, and that's it.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
But of all women in the world, the last one
to be doing it should be his ex wife in
front of his current wife. So I am confused as
to why that's possible. And then you put that scenario
in my head, and I'm like, Oh, he's loving the attention.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
And that's what I think. I think this is loveing Meg.
Who doesn't slightly in the back of their mind, doesn't
want to admit it, but doesn't who doesn't like being
fought over? You're so valuable. You've got two women who
are clearly fighting for you or over you, and maybe
in some way that feels kind of good.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
Okay, I know I want to give him the benefit
of the doubt, but I cannot make any sense out
of why he would allow and this to go on.
You you don't have to even put your ex wife
in check. This is just a matter of no, You're
not going to participate in anything like that in front
of your wife. I don't understand it. And then you
put that scenario, So maybe that is the best thing
(15:55):
I can come up with to explain why he would
let this go on.
Speaker 2 (15:59):
Well, part of my advice to Brenda was to put
it to him like this, can you reverse the roles?
Can you imagine if a man who I had slept with,
had children with, share grandchildren with, is now coming up
in front of you and kissing me and hugging me
and being touchy feely and not just saying hi and by,
(16:19):
but lingering and flirting, how would you feel like? Just
put yourself in that position and imagine how that would
make you feel as a partner.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
Yeah, and the answer is pretty simple. So this one
seemed very simple. Obviously, their details or whatnot we cannot
We will never know. But this is a simple matter
we go through about respect, and we have all learned lessons.
We've all been disrespected in relationships. We've all inadvertently sometimes
and some people just do it blatantly with disrespect and relationships.
(16:51):
But that is so so key. And here's another example,
and again that it's common ropes. Like I said, we
all deal with this thing about respect. The scenarios have
to do with it, even if some of the details.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
Change exactly, it comes down to the same theme. What
would you What did you tell Betty to do? What
should she do? I think that she should say something.
The worst thing she could do is say nothing and
just have this resentment. I know she's already said something,
and she's already kind of drawn an ultimatum. But I
think she needs to actually explain to her husband how
she feels, ask him to reverse the rules and ask
(17:26):
him how he would feel, and get him to understand
how devastating it feels to her, and how scary it
feels to her, and how threatening it feels to her.
I know it's hard sometimes too. Instead of just we
all want to point the fingers that you did this,
and you didn't do this, and you should do this.
But instead instead of saying, you start with I. I know,
I well, that sounds very like something you've learned in therapy,
but it certainly is. If you say, I am feeling
(17:48):
really vulnerable, I'm feeling really threatened, and when you allow
this to happen, it scares me. I feel like somehow
our relationship is threatened. Please, please, please, can you help
me by doing this and say it in a sweet way,
in a loving way, And because I want a relationship
to continue to grow and flourish, this is this is
really causing a major problem for me.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
But you can imagine there's probably some insecurity in that
he was with this woman, and we could only get
we're talking about grandkids, somebody he was with twenty thirty
plus years in all likelihood, how long has he been
married to this woman? Now? Probably not that long, if
you could argue she probably does still feel some competition
or this is so yeah, he has all now she
has the witness all this he established in a family.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
And you know what's happening in front of everyone too,
which I think adds to it. It adds to that
feeling of yeah, of vulnerability that somehow everyone else has
this long standing history together and you're the odd man out,
and so I just I would hope that he could
be sensitive to what that feels like going into another
family that has roots that you don't have.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
You know what that is? You know, that's a good
lesson to everybody. Look, you and I. Look, there's a
reason people come up to us on the street and
people write to us here. No matter what people think
about our relationship and how it started, it's something we
are proud of, despite the lie that's been told about
our relationship and how it started. But so many people
walk up to us and are constantly having a conversation
(19:14):
about what should I do? I went through this, it
becomes a safe place, and this woman as well, and
asking this question. We have all dealt with and you
and I have dealt with me bringing you into an
environment or you bringing me into an environment where you
always feel kind of on edge, like you're being pulled
(19:35):
in this direction. I've got to make sure my new
person's happy, or I got to make sure my family's happy.
I got to make sure everybody's getting along. That's tough,
what they've laid out here with grand children, all this
stuff and all this scenario is something a bunch of
us deal with. Yeah, you're trying to balance. I mean,
I deal with this with you and Sabine. Sometimes not
the case anymore. I want to make sure I'm giving
the right amount of attention to you and to her,
(19:57):
and that we're all getting enough attention together. These things,
it's just there. And this sounds like one of those
scenarios on a bunch grander scale. Yeah, and that's uncomfortable.
It's awkward, and it takes like trust and time and
sometimes years to get to a comfortable spot.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
I think that's so well said, babe, and it's something
that so many people deal with. And I think at
the end of the day, if you have chosen this
person to spend your life with, you have to put
them first. And it doesn't mean you have to be
disrespectful to anyone else who's important in your life, but
you have to put that relationship first and understand and
respect each other's needs and but you have to communicate
(20:35):
them effectively and not emotionally. And that's really hard to
do sometimes.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
And that's a balance, right, he should be respecting maybe
his marriage more. She maybe should be respecting his history,
his family has passed a little more. There's a balance there.
These two could be okay, But that's a tough one.
We've all I didn't think again, this stuff hits me
once we start doing this, even though we've thought about
this scenario before, but it hits me here and never
(20:59):
really put us in, all of us in that scenario. Interesting.
Speaker 2 (21:04):
Well, we want to thank Brenda for writing in and
we want to actually encourage any of you listening to this.
Please please please go look at the column, read all
through it, and then leave a comment because we'll follow
up later this week. We'll go through all of your comments.
You all have amazing advice and sometimes it has some
very funny anecdotal just experiences that relate to this, We
(21:25):
appreciate it. It just it's nice to have everyone talking, communicating,
understanding each other and maybe learning something in the process.
Speaker 1 (21:31):
And don't be mean. We appreciate you being open and honest.
Some people have been very open, yes, and admitting some
things in our own past to relate, so we appreciate that.
Don't be means of these folks. We're all trying to
give everybody, the husband, the wife, and the ex wife.
Everybody has the benefit of the that.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
I'm going to believe everyone who listens to this podcast
is not one of the mean ones. They're one of
the good ones.
Speaker 1 (21:49):
Right, And please feel free to leave your We'll give
you credit with your name and a locator if you
can tell us where you are, it would be nice
to know where in the country you are you write.
Speaker 2 (21:58):
It all right, Well, thank you all for listening to
us today. We hope you have a wonderful Monday and
rest of your week, and we'll see us soon.
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