May 26, 2025 • 48 mins
Parenting expert Reem Raouda joins Amy and T.J. to talk about the emotional rollercoaster of raising kids!
They dive into parenting guilt, how to build emotionally healthy relationships with your children, navigating social media and the most common parenting mistakes.
Plus, Amy opens up about some of the parenting guilt she has experienced.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome everyone to this edition of Amy and DJ. In
this episode, have you ever just been scrolling through Instagram
and you see a quote and it catches your eye?
J you do this all the time.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
I have never done it. Tell me about it, please,
But I know you like scrolling.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
Yes, you know I do it. And so just the
other day, actually something caught my eye, and I actually
think I was struggling with a little mom guilt, and
so I think this one popped out on me. And
I also believe that my phone hears me.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Oh yeah, you think apples your.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
Rates certain sites so that I see them just when
I'm thinking about the most she.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Thinks if we're discussing chicken wing, chicken wings, they're going
to put up chicken wing ads on her Instagram?
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Is just show up what she thinks on my advertisement.
I have shown you. I feel like I've proven it
time and time again.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
But the other day, you have some parenting guilt.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
Back to the story, I think about some parenting guilt
and this I'm going to just kind of read what
was on my screen on this Instagram site. The quality
of your parent child relationship outranks every other factor in
predicting your child's lifelong mental health. Now my attention is
completely there, not your rules, not your discipline style, not
(01:16):
your parenting techniques. It's the connection itself. Your child isn't
rebelling against your rules, They're rebelling against disconnection. It was
never about behavior, It was always about belonging. Yeah, because
it's really really cool. The quality of your relationship is
(01:37):
the biggest determining factor in your child's mental health or
mental well being. So then you know how you just
you scroll through. There's different screens. There's a bunch of
other powerful quotes in this one Instagram post, but it
ends with this. You think they're testing boundaries, they're testing
something deeper. Does your love remain when they're at their worst?
(01:57):
Your answer becomes the their blue print for self worth.
Holy moly, Like I had chills from head to toe.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
And I have not stopped hearing about this woman ever.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
Look, I said, TJ, I often annoy you by showing
you things that moved me online. I immediately told you
I know about this post.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
I know which ones to dismiss.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
This wasn't one, so I saw it, and look, I
am most of us are probably discerning in terms of
who we follow because you don't want to be inundated.
But I just immediately started following this Instagram site, and
I think within a day I got a d M
back and thanking me for following her, and it was
(02:40):
really sweet and it was just really I just moved me.
And then I thought, wait, this woman seems awesome, her
site is incredible. Why wouldn't we have her on the podcast?
And so guess what only Yeah, she's actually sitting right
across from us right now. Reamrouta joins us at Parenting
Expert author Mom, and just thank you for being here.
(03:03):
And you really really grabbed my attention. The deeper dive
I did on your Instagram account, the more I fell
in love with what you're telling parents.
Speaker 3 (03:12):
Thank you, so thank you. I'm thrilled to be here
with you. Thank you all.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
So how does one become a parenting expert? How did
you get started in all of this? When did you
have your aha moment?
Speaker 3 (03:23):
Well, I started my parenting journey on the wrong foot.
I was very anxious and nervous and panicked and full
of unprocessed anger that was coming up with my son,
with my baby son when he was so young, and
then COVID hit right around when he was about turning two,
(03:46):
and I broke. I had my breakdown, my rock bottom.
I was just in debilitating fear. There was also a
tragedy in my family that also hit me, and I
just broke and things were not going well between me
and my son. He wasn't sleeping, I was yelling. It
(04:09):
was a mess. But when I broke, it hit me
like a ton of bricks. What was the problem, And
the problem was me. It was what I was bringing
to the table. It was my energy that my son
was reacting to. His behavior was you know, just a
reflection of my inner landscape. And the breakdown led me
(04:34):
to just this self awareness, this transformation, reading, meditating, learning,
and then I found doctor Shefali, who is a you know,
the conscious parenting god, and I started learning from her
and then I became trained through her to become a
conscious parenting coach. Because of the transformation I had, I
(04:59):
went from one end to the extreme other, and I
wanted all parents to feel the liberation and the change
and the amazingness that I now feel.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
I don't even know where to start, so I'm going
to go back to where you said, the initial anxiety
when your son was a baby. Was what you were
going through them then something that a lot of parents
go through. Is it typical or do you think you
were doing or what you were was happening to you?
(05:35):
Was more on an extreme end.
Speaker 3 (05:38):
I think it was typical, A little extra because of
my childhood that I never dealt with. I actually, until
I was forty one, I said I had the best childhood.
It was great. And then when I started really looking
at it, I didn't at all. I told myself I
(06:01):
had a great childhood. I was living in a state
of fear constantly. I was physically abused by my father. Sorry,
I you know, I don't remember my mother playing with me.
Sorry mom, I don't you know. And our children are
gurus and the fact that they show us where we
(06:23):
need to heal. So my son's inability to sleep just
had me on a tailspin, and I was literally yelling
at him to fall asleep. And I think, yes, so,
I think every parent comes with their own story, with
their own unresolved issues. But mine was just a lot
(06:43):
of anxiety and rage inside.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
Were you parenting the way you were parented?
Speaker 3 (06:50):
Yes too, Yes, I was actually neurotically repeating things my
dad used to say to me to my son for
no reason, you know, I just it just came out
like a robot. And yeah, I was hot tempered like
my father. And now I'm you know, I really don't
yell anymore.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
Your story, when I was reading the background of it,
spoke to me because I look back. I also had
a child, my first baby, who didn't sleep for a year,
and I actually thought I was going to lose my
mind because you have these certain expectations about how a
child is supposed to act. Because that's what I was,
that was what was expected of me. So you then
immediately expect that of your children, and then you think
(07:33):
you can control them, and it turns out you can't
actually control anyone else but yourself. But yes, that's when
you start yelling, you start getting aggravated. And look, I've
struggled with those defaults in my parenting, and I've looked
back and thought, if I could do it again, I
would have done it so differently. So hearing what you
have to say to parents to me is such a
(07:53):
game changer because we were trying, We're all trying to
do the right thing. We're all trying to get our
children to be good people to behave to be respectful.
But how do you do that without being controlling and
being a disciplinarian. You say, there's another way.
Speaker 3 (08:09):
Yes, And that's the magic place that I think we
all as parents need to try to get to. It's between. Yes,
our children need boundaries, they actually crave boundaries or else
that causes anxiety too. We need to hold them and
guide them. But without that control, without fear, without shame,
(08:34):
and keeping. You know, we think that our power as
parents comes in how much we have, how much control
we have over our children. But that's so wrong. Our
power and our influence is in our strength of our
relationship with our children. That is what we have to
focus on. That is what we have to hold on to.
(08:57):
That is what we have to put Number one not
quote unquote discipline, because when we say discipline, it usually
means punishment. Discipline means to teach, to guide. So yes,
we are supposed to discipline our children. We're not supposed
to punish them. Punishment doesn't even work, it's it's counterproductive.
That's another podcast episode.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
But you know, I made a whole bunch of mistakes
because I'm telling you, punishment was a huge part of
my parenting.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
But what do you mean by you keep saying relationship
is important? What does that look like aside from discipline?
What does it look like for parent? Who's listening right now?
And how am I supposed to improve relationship?
Speaker 3 (09:35):
Okay? Well, relationship is everything and it sounds simple, but
it's the hardest thing to do because it takes the
parent being present and none of us are. You know,
it's especially in this day and age. We are busy,
we are distracted, we are always in a rush, we
are stressed, we are frazzled, and we're not even connecting
(09:56):
with our children. We're not sitting with them and doing nothing.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
We're giving them iPads and iPhones or we're on ours.
Speaker 3 (10:03):
Yes exactly, and there's just it's all disconnection. Really, what's
going on. We're not having deep conversations, we're not you know,
open emotionally with them, vice versa. It's just like getting
through the day overscheduled and we're not there. It's not
(10:25):
another myth is what we do for our children? Do
do do? We're so consumed with what we do for
them that we forget who we are to them, and
that's what matters. We need to be We are their
safety net. We are their you know, their world. They
are so needy for us emotionally, and no one tells
(10:55):
us that. No one teaches us that. They just tell
us the types of diapers to get and wet wipes,
and they don't say the first three years are the
most important. They don't tell us that. They tell us
to ignore them when they're crying at night.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
You know, I did that. I have chills because I
did that, and I felt guilty when I was doing it,
but I did it because I thought I was supposed to.
Speaker 3 (11:15):
I know, I know, you say, pick that baby up. Yes,
I did it too. I was you know, my doctor,
even against of course, it's against all of our motherly
instincts to do that. And that was before I had
my AHA. And it's my biggest regret of my life
and it haunts me a lot and I fight not
you know, thinking about it. But it's the worst thing
(11:37):
we could possibly do, neglect our babies when they need
us the most, you know what I mean. I'm sorry,
but you know what, we didn't know what we didn't know,
and it's okay, yeah, you know, you know, we we
think that we're supposed to trust these doctors that tell us,
you know that know better than us. But I'm sorry
when it comes to that, that is neglect.
Speaker 1 (11:58):
I think too, like I don't. I felt this responsibility,
especially having two little girls, that my job. I had
this in the back of my head almost in a
weird way, not to get too involved or too connected.
I told myself, my job is not to have them
need me, but to have them be independent of me.
That that was my job as a parent, to not
(12:20):
create these needy creatures who I felt completed by, but
instead to raise independent And so for that I almost
tried to create a little bit of a disconnect so
I didn't get overly emotional.
Speaker 3 (12:32):
Yes, and that's a big misconception too, the independence thing.
We so young, we push our children dress yourself, feed yourself,
entertain yourself, put your shoes on, by yourself, pushing them
to be independent. But that's not how independence comes. It
comes from them feeling so satisfied and depending on us.
(12:58):
Then independence comes letting, you know, taking care of them,
doing things for them, and then one day they're like, no, mommy,
I want to do it. You know what I mean.
That's that's true independence, not pushed because they take it
as pushing them away from us, not you know, and
and why is this? Why are we so rushed for
them to be independent? Anyways? Right, they're babies, they're small kids,
(13:22):
they're tartherers. What is the rush? Right?
Speaker 2 (13:26):
Well, I'm so are we just going to Can you
ever really have a shift in the way we parent
in this country? No matter how many books we put out,
no matter how many experts we have come on, no
matter how many times they go to whatever CDC, FDA
or whatever child organization online, don't don't most people in
this country end up learning parenting from their parents. And
(13:49):
it's is it not just a cycle that continues? And
how is that cycle ever going to get broken?
Speaker 3 (13:53):
I know, Well that's my mission is to break the cycle.
It's the most important work. I think it's I think
it's our responsibility as parents. There was no manual, no
exam to take. We just wing it. We don't know
what the hell we're doing. And it's such a crucial, vital,
fundamental job that is literally shaping a soul. You know,
(14:19):
the parent child dynamic is responsible for our lives.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Really, it affects every other relationship in your life. You're
whoever your significant other is you are. From what I've
read and gathered, you are healing your wounds, yes, from
your childhood. And so whatever is happening in your home
when you're younger is absolutely going to come into your
home in a marriage or in a relationship situation.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
Absolutely. And I think this is why we're all kind
of screwed up as adults. You know, addicted alcoholics, depressed
on anxiety medication. I had severe anxiety and depression and
I had to get hypnotized. It was so bad. It
didn't work, by the way, But you know it, and
it's all comes back to our childhood. It's everything. It's
(15:04):
not a dress rehearsal. It's the entire play, it's the
entire life depends on. And it's the relationship. Life is
about relationships. So it's the father, the mother, how they
are with their child. The child comes with two needs,
a strong parental attachment and the need to be their
(15:24):
authentic selves. Again, they both sound simple, but we screw
both of them up in a few days.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
And I wonder how much a lot of this has
culturally comes into play too. You know, I come from
a family, a long line of German Catholics, and there was,
you know, being strict and being faithful and all of
that was a big part of it. And there are
a lot of amazing things that come from that. But
I remember part of a parenting philosophy I heard growing
up is my job is not to be your friend.
(15:53):
You can have your own friends. My job is not
to be your friend. What do you think about parents
being friends with their children? Is that a good thing?
Can that be a bad thing? A lot of people
have vastly different views on that.
Speaker 3 (16:06):
I'm actually gonna make a post about that because I yes,
be their friend. Why not? They need you as a friend.
It doesn't mean you have to erase being a parent. Yes, right,
like they people think either friend or a parent? Yeah both,
I'm I'm I you know, because this is what happened.
We take on parenting as a role and we play
(16:30):
the part. We are in control. We have to be strict,
we have to you know, keep them in line, and
then we lose our humanness. And that's what our children
are begging us for. They're like, where are you underneath
the mom? Underneath the dad? Show me you.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
My daughters have pretty much said that to me recently.
So yeah, I mean I need to take this all
to heart.
Speaker 3 (16:51):
Yeah, sure, and so I'm me and my son are
best friends, but I'm also his mother. I have to
say no fifty times a day. I have to keep
them in line. I have to take the you know,
turn the TV off and say it's time to you know,
and I guide him. But of course, because actually my
whole thing, minute by minute, I'm always aware of our connection,
(17:17):
of the relationship, if I'm straining it or if I'm
keeping it tight where I want it. You know, that's
the focus is on me and our bond. How I'm
speaking to him, the look I make on my face,
you know, the sigh that I keep inside, you know,
(17:37):
because the that's what that's the missing piece. That's what
I want.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
You know.
Speaker 3 (17:44):
Parents to get from this conversation is the best thing
they can do for their children is to start being
hyper self aware.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
We well, we attach this to romantic relationships usually when
we say hurt people, hurt people. But you kind of
alluded to something earlier, how you were going through so
much that it was causing you to be a bad parent.
Can we take that as our broken people are broken parents?
Is that always going to have an impact on your
parenting or is it possible to try to compartmentalize and
(18:16):
separate those things.
Speaker 3 (18:17):
I don't think unless you do the work, it's possible,
because it just seeps. It's unconscious. You're either asleep or
you're awake. I was asleep and now I'm awake, and
it's a different world. It's a different world when you're
awake and you're conscious, and you're aware of your energy,
You're aware of what you are bringing to the table.
(18:37):
You're aware that your child is only reacting to the
environment you've created for them. They're not And when they
are disrespectful or rude, or giving attitude or hitting even
what does it say? What is? What did you have
in that?
Speaker 1 (18:52):
You know?
Speaker 3 (18:55):
But I think we're all broken. We're all broken, and
no one tells us that we have to heal.
Speaker 2 (19:05):
How would you recommend again? We are folks sitting in
this studio and we are privileged to be here. We
have some opportunity and resources that a lot of people don't.
And I would say most people don't because some people
are just trying to get food on the table tonight
and they're not trying to listen to any of the
three of us talk about how they need to go heal.
How do you even help and guide parents? It's hard
(19:27):
to heal when you're under constant assault of a bank
account not having enough money in it, not enough food
on the table. What could you possibly advise folks who
are in that struggle but still trying to do the
best they can as a parent.
Speaker 3 (19:41):
Yeah, Well, first I always say to just look back
at your childhood and start reflecting, and the big memories
always come up, you know, the ones because we remember
how we were made to feel. And even the step
before self awareness is self compassion, you know, so to say, wow,
(20:02):
my parents were a little rough on me, or I
didn't deserve that, or mom mom didn't play with me,
or I felt neglected, I felt portrayed, I felt you know,
they punished me a lot, or they made me feel
worse about myself. Or I wasn't allowed to be loud,
or I wasn't I wasn't allowed to be shy. And
let you know, look back and say and not to
(20:24):
feel sorry for yourself, but a little bit, you know,
to have that wow, I went through that, that was
hard on little me, and and have that compassion and
then self awareness, be like you know, my son used
to splash me my face with water and it used
to turn like playfully, but I'd go into a rage
(20:47):
and like rage, like I'd scream so loud that he
would shake and I would shake like it was a mess.
But but now he can do it, and I laugh
because I've connected the dots to why that enraged me
so much, why it provoked me so much, why it
made me so you know, heated, and just to self awareness.
(21:12):
Just connecting the dots magically changes you. Just it does silently,
but it makes you more aware. It makes you have
that choice in the heat of the moment that you're
not just reacting. You you pause and you're like, Okay,
(21:34):
what is this really about?
Speaker 1 (21:36):
Yeah, I mean, because it is in those tough moments,
especially when you are frazzled, coming off of you know,
maybe two jobs and being worried about not paying the
bill or getting a big or any of that stuff,
you lose your temper, quicker, your your ability to handle
any little thing splashing your water in your face, or
a kid screaming or crying. It can send you into
a rage. Yes, that's totally understandable. I thought something else
(21:58):
that was interesting because and with that sometimes comes yelling. Yeah.
But one of the things you wrote in your social
media account, which is h I Love parenting, by the way,
was that kids don't listen to the loudest voice, they
listen to this safest voice. Yes. I thought that was
so well put because if your the loudest voice, they're
(22:21):
going to go find another one.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
Yes. Yes, And you know, I was the loudest voice,
and my son answered me in his loudest voice like
it was just you know what I mean? And then
he was showing signs of anxiety and no, there's no
tantrum without stress or anxiety in the child, right, and
(22:43):
so he was I was just I was giving him
mine on a silver platter. He was soaking it up
like a sponge, all of my anxiety.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
So when your child has I just want to hear
you because this is something to think about. If your
child is having a temper tantrum, you actually should look
at yourself absolutely, not at your child. No, that's hard.
I know, it's very very you know, I would have
gotten a spanking, or I would have put my kids
in the corner or pulled them out for a very
long time out. But I should have given myself a
(23:14):
time out.
Speaker 3 (23:14):
Well, yes, and why look what you just said. You know,
I put them in the corner or a very long
time out. Why because they had big feelings that you
can't handle. Wow, you know, and so you withdraw your
love for five ten minutes or an hour?
Speaker 1 (23:30):
Yeah, because that's what I knew to do, or that's
what I thought was the right thing to do.
Speaker 3 (23:33):
And what message did that give them? You're unlovable right now?
I can't handle it right now. You're not invited in
my presence right now to.
Speaker 1 (23:41):
Com make me cry.
Speaker 3 (23:42):
I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
No, but that's true. I hear you.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
Yeah, No, your daughter's had a legitimate rape. Hi.
Speaker 3 (23:47):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
I had to think I dismissed them every time they
pulled me aside to talk about you.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
But no, but that, but that is not something we're
thinking about in the moment. We're needing to correct their behavior,
but we need to ask ourselves why are they acting
that way?
Speaker 3 (24:01):
And behavior the word it's, you know, it's it's we're
so focused on their behavior, and but we we we
don't even consider that we have anything to do with it.
They're they're reacting more than behaving.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
I got a couple more big things. Want to hit
it one. We'll get to social media in a second.
That's its own thing, properly, right. Okay, but what would
you say for parents out there the things you're hearing
about most as the biggest challenges. I don't want to
just say what's the number one? Maybe you do have
a number one. But when folks do ask for advice,
what what are some of those main challenges and some
(24:36):
of the solutions you do give? So just curious what
it is?
Speaker 3 (24:41):
Well, I get a lot of you know, just kids
not listening and throwing tantrums and hitting their brothers and
sisters and just being you know, strong willed quote.
Speaker 2 (24:51):
Unquote, and some of us called the misbehaving. That's not
what we should call it. Strong willed and misbehaving?
Speaker 3 (24:55):
Is that the same thing?
Speaker 2 (24:57):
Okay?
Speaker 3 (24:58):
Do tell well, just because you know, a child that
is constantly tantrums are normal, but not every day five
times a day, you know that's a sign that something
is a miss. You know, some thing's not you know,
the child is resisting something. So this is what I
(25:20):
tell parents. Our job is not to fix and modify
the behavior, but to remove what the child is resisting.
And when that's gone. There's nothing to resist. And usually
it's the parents over control. They're misaligned expectations, check check,
you know, their anxiety, their their you know, irritability and predictability.
(25:46):
You know, we all you know, they're distractability. They're always
in a rush, They're always rushing the child. So there's
you know, they're so I I really make the parent
look in the mirror, and they think I'm going to
give them, you know, five tips or tricks, but it's like, no,
I'm sorry, you have to just really start becoming a
(26:08):
witness of yourself.
Speaker 2 (26:09):
Well, it sounds like for sure that's number one behavioral issues.
People want to ask how do I do that? And
the answer sounds like it's always check yourself, the parent
first and foremost, you need to check out your behavior.
Speaker 1 (26:19):
Oh well, that's that's really remarkable. I'm amazed by that.
All right. So the biggest I was going to ask
you what the biggest mistake parents make, but it's at
looking at the child's behavior instead of their own. Yes,
I mean, oh, I was not expecting that be hindred.
Speaker 3 (26:36):
But because we all make mistakes because we are told
just the wrong information and we're not educated on what
really really matters. But yes, absolutely is focusing on the
child's behavior. I think it's dangerous to parent without looking
(26:56):
at yourself and looking at what you bring, and you're
just burdening the child with your crap and the child
is it's not theirs to carry, it's not their burden
to carry. And you know, there's just a lot of
mistakes about pushing a child to succeed, about being in control,
(27:18):
being your power, you know, just that we need to
mold our children into something that we need them to
be instead of actually preserving and protecting who they already are.
Speaker 1 (27:32):
Wow. Is punishment ever? Okay?
Speaker 3 (27:35):
No?
Speaker 1 (27:35):
Wow?
Speaker 3 (27:36):
No, I add natural consequences are okay. You know, like
there's a consequence to anything already. So when you have
to impose one and think of one and think of
what am I going to take? What am I going
to do to him? How am I going to make
my child suffer for this? Then it's not Wow.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
But there's no consequence to not cleaning your room, no
consequence to not doing what you're told, no consequence for
bad grades, Like is there No, we're not just talking
about corporate right, That's not what we're talking about. But
is there never a room where that any kind of
consequence that I impose as a parent on the child's.
Speaker 3 (28:07):
Okay, Well, do you mean punishment or consequence?
Speaker 2 (28:11):
Well, the consequence of you not cleaning your room is
that I am going to take that phone away from
you or I'm going that's well, so with just semantics here,
I was.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
Grounded for most of my high school years for doing
things that my parents deemed.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
That's punishment, right, consequences.
Speaker 3 (28:28):
Anything from being grounded.
Speaker 1 (28:29):
No, she didn't, I just steaked out when they went
to I did.
Speaker 3 (28:33):
So, I just I I I've been in your shoes,
trust me when I'm like And a lot of parents say, well,
I can't just let them get away with that. They
can't just get away with that. I can't reward them
and let them eat after that or get a cookie
after that. But it's it's really, it's really first understanding.
(28:55):
Punishment is withdrawing your love. It's say you're unacceptable right now.
It's saying you need to suffer because you made a
mistake or this didn't happen. Like, let the room get messy,
(29:21):
you know, let them sit in a messy room and
see how it feels. Let them fail and explain to
the teacher why they messed up. Let them, you know,
let them. Let life be the teacher.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
So don't go back and clean up their room. Don't
go back to the teacher and say, hey, can they
get extra credit, which is what a lot of us do.
You know, you complain, you might punish, but then you'll
fix it for them. Yes, So it's one of those
things I do like to say this, Let life be
let the reality be the consequence. So let them fail,
let them miss class, if they don't wake them up,
if they didn't set their alarm. If you have certain
(29:53):
rules and they break them, then you can't fix.
Speaker 3 (29:55):
Yes, and we don't want to just you know, put
out the fire. We want to prevent the fires from happening.
And that comes back to the relationship. If you're showing
your child respect, you're showing your child respect because we
just demand it from our children. They need it too.
If you listen to your child, listen to them the
(30:16):
way you expect to be listened to, they will listen back.
If you have a positive, healthy, nurturing fun like we
forget to be playful and fun with our kids because
we're so serious. And you know, in the role. Then
that's their motivation to cooperate, that's their motivation to stay
(30:36):
in line, that's their motivation to kind of please you,
you know what I mean, because you guys are on
good terms. If you're on good terms with someone, you
don't want to mess it up. They don't want to
mess it up.
Speaker 1 (30:47):
That's wild, Like just to think about it from that perspective,
And I'm in my mind, like I get it when
they're older, but I'm trying to think about a one
year old a two year old, like how do you
how do you even prevent them? A lot of times
like I think, you know, I know I was. I
think most of us at a certain age were spanked.
But like if you are about to run across the road,
(31:07):
or I got lost in a store because I wasn't
staying with my parents. If you get spanked, she ran away,
my parents would say, hey, I have to do something
to to make my child understand if they do this,
it's dangerous. So that's perhaps why a lot of parents
justify punishment, like for a safety.
Speaker 2 (31:27):
Let it get hit by the car.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
That's obvious.
Speaker 2 (31:30):
It's clearly what m just said. Let the kid get hit.
Speaker 3 (31:35):
No, you know, but but do you do they need
to be hit for doing that?
Speaker 1 (31:40):
No?
Speaker 3 (31:41):
Right, I got lost in an amusement park when I
was small, and I got, you know, beaten up for
it from my parents. But did you know that just
didn't like especially in the heat of the moment. Their
brains are not working like properly, They're not taking in
a lesson. So you're just you're just creating fear. Yes,
(32:02):
And when we create fear, we are creating disconnection. We
are straining the relationship, and the relationship is our power.
If you want them to listen, then pay attention to
the relationship, pay attention to who you are to the child.
Can they come to you with their issues? Can they
(32:22):
come to you with their fears? Can they come to
you with their problems? You know? Or do they fear criticism, judgment,
getting in trouble, getting a consequence, getting grounded? You know
what I mean?
Speaker 1 (32:34):
I do? You know?
Speaker 3 (32:36):
Yeah? And that we need to protect this relationship at
all costs because it just matters so much more than
we realize.
Speaker 1 (32:45):
Wow. Yeah, how like I'm curious because I mentioned it earlier,
how much of our current mental health as an adult?
You mee TJ sitting in this room has to do
with childhood trauma and what can we as adults do
to acknowledge it because everybody has it. It's not like
you have good parents and I have bad parents. Everybody
(33:07):
had parents mostly who were trying to do the right
thing with the tools they had. But how do you
address where you are in your life and your mental
health and how do you kind of come to peace
with it? And like you had to do that, you
said before you were able to become the parent you
are now, how did you address it?
Speaker 3 (33:30):
It's almost like a journey, but and it's a little
treacherous and difficult to actually face the truth. Like this
is what we have to do. We have to face
the truth of what really happened to us. And because
we pedestalize our parents, we kind of put it aside
and think everything was fine. I'm good, I turned out fine.
(33:54):
Even though there's this I'm good they were good, they
tried their best. And this is not to blame parents
because they had their own story. Yes, you know, this
is a cycle we're trying to break, but it's again
just you know, putting the focus on you. Stop stop
you know, dissecting your child and start dissecting yourself and
(34:19):
really just go deep and have that compassion and begin
to be so self aware that all you do is
focus on you, and then your child will just transform
and get come closer to you and feel because you
are changing, and the climate in your home will change
because you are. You are now seeing your truth, but
(34:43):
then seeing your child's truth as well.
Speaker 1 (34:46):
And I have to say, TJ, are you. We've been
smiling back and forth because I have had the and
I will say the privilege of watching TJ parent, and
I have been in awe of his like I feel
like everything you just said is exactly what he did
I And I am curious how you came to know
how to do it because you have lovely parents. But
(35:09):
your childhood was very similar to a lot of bars
of a certain age where that our parents were strict
and punishment based and consequence based. And how did you
become the parent you are?
Speaker 2 (35:21):
No, That's why I think we asked Only before we
even started, I was asking people just natural born parents.
I mean I didn't take any courses or study or
anything else or even ask my own parents for help. Again,
you have pointed a lot of things out in watching
me and Sabine with my daughter's twelve year old Sabine.
She was describing about punishment. I have never once in
(35:42):
her twelve years, had to punish this job. And that's that.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
She never once had a temper tantrum, not once.
Speaker 2 (35:48):
Once in life have I seen this child have Now,
how did that happen? Did I get a lucky child
with her temperament? Did she just watched? I'm kind of
chill myself. I don't know how that happened, That's what
I was asking our Some people just natural born parents necessarily.
I guess what contributes to me maybe being lucky or
(36:09):
I would never say good. I don't know how it happened.
And you mentioned relationship. This is my best friend, and
you talk about fun. We just came from the Kendrick
Lamar concert this week. She was up all night. We
partied and did our thing, and right, that's the kind
of stuff we always do together, so we do all
those things.
Speaker 1 (36:26):
Fun is a big part of your real and.
Speaker 2 (36:28):
Respect is a big part. And this is a twelve
year old girl. Thank god her friends don't listen to
this podcast, because if they knew the stuff. She comes
back and tells me about her friends and.
Speaker 1 (36:41):
Even when she's involved and it might not look good
that she was there, she'll still tell you she was,
which I've said to you because obviously I'm past that
age now, Like my girls are older and they tell
me too much. I loved about it, but they do.
I do appreciate the fact that they do tell me,
I think almost everything, to the point where I'm like,
you don't have to tell me everything. I don't need
to know everything. But at twelve, I'm amazed at what
(37:04):
she admits to and tells you and is honest about
and it's just it's remarkable.
Speaker 2 (37:09):
So yeah, Ray, do you sometimes just get lucky? So
some people just naturally have an instinct for it? Or
how do you explain?
Speaker 3 (37:16):
Well, I think we all have the instinct deep down,
and then the more traumatized ones of us are limited
because of our trauma. I don't know how your childhood was,
you know.
Speaker 2 (37:28):
What, this is interesting as well? I didn't all I've
gone through the past couple of years and what's happened,
and I couldn't imagine that I would be a better
parent and be better for my child once I was
no longer married to her mother. That sounds counterintuitive, like,
I'm supposed to be nurturing that home, and that's where
the child is going to be best. And it's our
(37:51):
relationship now is exponentially better. Not that it was bad,
but it's just I never imagined that something like that
was possible.
Speaker 1 (37:59):
That's amazing because when you're I think to your like
kind of to what Reem is saying, if you are
whole and you've worked on you, if you find yourself
to personally be happier, you're just gonna be a better
absolutely case some point.
Speaker 3 (38:14):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (38:15):
And so in that sense, I think sometimes parents, I
would imagine, feel selfish taking care of themselves and working
on their own because they think they have to give everything.
Maybe even moms might be more guilty of this. I
hate to stereotype, but give give, give, give, and then
you almost feel like you're owed, and then you're angry
when they talk back to you, will roll their eyes
at you, and I think I have said that, and
(38:40):
you almost feel like you're owed something because you've given
so much. But actually the best gift you could give
your kids would be to work on yourself first. Yes, yeah,
but we don't think about it like that.
Speaker 3 (38:51):
And if no guilt in all this is what your
your child. If they could tell you, they would say,
grow up and fix your self and stop burdening me
with what's burdening you, and let me be free and
liberate me from your will. Wow.
Speaker 1 (39:08):
Wow, that's crazy going.
Speaker 2 (39:10):
On social media. Where do you want to go with
social media?
Speaker 1 (39:12):
Oh gosh, there's you know, and as a parent in
terms of guiding and being there, there are so many
outside distractions now, more than ever before. And I know
people will say, oh, it's so much harder now, but
it actually is so much harder now with social media
and these phones and the electronics, and they have access
to everything and influenced by everyone. How do you handle
(39:36):
What do you tell parents, especially someone like TJ who's
got a twelve year old who's about to be able
to be on all of these accounts and have her
kind of free reign of exploring. Where do you draw
the line? Where are the boundaries?
Speaker 3 (39:49):
Yeah, well, I believe it's so hard. This is actually
the second numbers to a parents complaint is, you know,
screens and social media and phones and TikTok and all
that stuff. So I'm very strict with a couple of things,
with health and toxic things like screens and social media.
(40:12):
So I believe this is a place to have strong boundaries,
and this is a place to have non negotiable and
a strong no and to set limits. Don't give your
child anything near it as long as you can go,
because it's a drug and it's addictive and it's lethal
and they shouldn't have it. So I don't agree with
(40:34):
giving a young child a phone or even an iPad.
They don't need it. Let a child go to a
restaurant and look around and talk and live. You know,
we're just slap them with a screen and because we
(40:58):
can't handle their behavior in a restaurant, and it's like,
can you let your child live?
Speaker 2 (41:03):
To your point, that's the parent, that's not the kid.
Speaker 3 (41:07):
The parent, Yes, don't give it to them, you know.
Speaker 1 (41:10):
And then be upset when you take it away and
they grow a temper tantrum, which we've seen plenty of
times in restaurants.
Speaker 3 (41:16):
Yes, they're so addictive, they're made to be addictive. And
the video games is a whole nother ballgame, and it's
causing so much, you know, damage to children. But so
the parent needs to have strong boundaries when it comes
to that and rules. But if the child is already exposed,
you don't want to be you and this screen. You
(41:40):
become an enemy of the screen because then it becomes
the forbidden fruits and all this, you know. So it's
very touchy. And plus we're on our phones, right, we're
doing the same thing. So finding a balance like okay,
you know what, at seven o'clock all of us put
our phones away, or you know, have something that's not
(42:02):
a rule, but you know, are a lifestyle of your home,
like the conditions of our home. This is how we
do things. We don't watch TV until midnight, we don't
turn it on in the morning. We eat breakfast together instead,
you know. But also the people kids are addicted because
they're getting soothed by social media. They feel important on
(42:25):
social media, they feel.
Speaker 1 (42:29):
See see.
Speaker 3 (42:30):
Yes, that's the word I was looking for. So we
as parents have to give our children that dopamine hit right,
stronger than the screens and social media. We have to
give them what they are seeking, so that so.
Speaker 1 (42:45):
That everyone just wants to belong.
Speaker 3 (42:47):
Yes, yes, you know, when my son watches you know,
soccer on TV, but if I say do you want
to play? He'll drop the TV. And want to be
with me. They want to be with us more. They
want to connect more. Maybe not the teenagers, but you
know what I mean. But if they had the choice,
they always want to connect. And it's and they're so
(43:08):
addicted because they are so disconnected.
Speaker 1 (43:12):
Wow, that's crazy.
Speaker 2 (43:15):
No, just thinking about sabine in the bedroom by yourself
on the phone until midnight on weekends, just doing nothing
on the phone. That's let's talk to police.
Speaker 1 (43:25):
And that's brand new.
Speaker 2 (43:27):
That is new in the past year. That is new.
That is new. So we're going to struggle with that.
Speaker 1 (43:31):
But I think this has all been to me. The
reason why I think I felt so impacted by your
social media account and what you're saying is because it's
true and you know it. When you when you hear
something and you know it's true, it resonates. It doesn't
even need an explanation. It's like, of course that's true.
Of course that makes sense, of course, But it's funny
(43:55):
that all this time you just go by what you learn,
what you know, and it's not necessarily what's right. So
I love your message. I love what you're saying. It
is kind of the opposite of the way I started
out parenting, but it's hope, hopefully, how I can at
least start implementing and ending.
Speaker 2 (44:16):
You did a good job, like your kids turn out.
Speaker 1 (44:19):
Okay, which one who knows, we'll see, but I appreciate it.
So So if you could give parents one starting point,
if they're listening to this and they're thinking, oh my god,
I've been doing it all wrong, what's the first thing
you can do right now, as soon as you stop
listening to this podcast, what can you do to start
(44:41):
going down a different path?
Speaker 3 (44:43):
I would bring it to the child and just be
Just look at your child in a different light, see
them as they really are. They are maybe struggling, just
trying to survive our environment, and they're desperate for connection.
(45:05):
They are desperate for us to be in their time
zone of the present moment, to put our phones down,
to stop being distracted, to see them as they are,
to accept them radically, to listen to them, to respect them,
to be with them raw, no agenda, just be with them.
Speaker 1 (45:31):
How soon will you see a change if you do.
Speaker 3 (45:34):
That, honestly, now, right away? Because so many children are
just desperate and so disconnected and not feeling seen at all.
And just if you one night, do something different. Don't
rush your child, sit with them on the floor, do nothing,
(45:55):
hold them, be with them and let them feel feel you.
Speaker 1 (46:02):
And let me ask you this, No matter how old
your children are, even if they're forty and you're seventy,
is it ever too late? No.
Speaker 3 (46:08):
I worked with a couple that had her thirty seven
year old son and we work together and they reconnected,
and you know, it helped a lot. And he was
clearly just so needy of their their attention that he
wasn't getting.
Speaker 1 (46:29):
At thirty seven. At thirty seven, Well, I just want
to say thank you and let everybody know. Tell everybody
where they can find you, where they can read about
I know you've got you're an author, and you've got workshops,
and you've got your social media. So let everyone is like,
I need to know more about this. Where can they
find you?
Speaker 3 (46:47):
Sure? So? I I love parenting on Instagram and I
just came out with the Healing Journal for Parents. It's
an eight week process to you know, reconnect with your
younger self, figure out what your wounds are, your triggers,
your patterns, heal you so that you can show up
(47:07):
as the parent your children needs you to be. It's
very you know. As much as this is to protect
children's mental health, which is in a crisis right now,
this is to liberate the parent, to liberate you from yourself,
from your ego that is hijacking you and running the show.
(47:28):
You know, your wounds are in the driver's seat and
we're just in the passenger seat, like for the ride.
It's time to get that person out, let the real
you underneath all of those wounds emerge, and then you
can show up for your child.
Speaker 2 (47:42):
The first question you suppose to answer as a parent,
what moments from childhood still make your body tense up
or feel small. It's gonna be a tough journey for me.
Speaker 1 (48:00):
Reed, thank you so much for being with us. We
appreciate it. What a pleasure. We hope has helped so
many people who are listening it. Certainly I can definitely
attest personally this is going to help you and hopefully
than my two daughters. Thank you, Thank you for
Welcome everyone to this edition of Amy and DJ. In
this episode, have you ever just been scrolling through Instagram
and you see a quote and it catches your eye?
J you do this all the time.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
I have never done it. Tell me about it, please,
But I know you like scrolling.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
Yes, you know I do it. And so just the
other day, actually something caught my eye, and I actually
think I was struggling with a little mom guilt, and
so I think this one popped out on me. And
I also believe that my phone hears me.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Oh yeah, you think apples your.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
Rates certain sites so that I see them just when
I'm thinking about the most she.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Thinks if we're discussing chicken wing, chicken wings, they're going
to put up chicken wing ads on her Instagram?
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Is just show up what she thinks on my advertisement.
I have shown you. I feel like I've proven it
time and time again.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
But the other day, you have some parenting guilt.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
Back to the story, I think about some parenting guilt
and this I'm going to just kind of read what
was on my screen on this Instagram site. The quality
of your parent child relationship outranks every other factor in
predicting your child's lifelong mental health. Now my attention is
completely there, not your rules, not your discipline style, not
(01:16):
your parenting techniques. It's the connection itself. Your child isn't
rebelling against your rules, They're rebelling against disconnection. It was
never about behavior, It was always about belonging. Yeah, because
it's really really cool. The quality of your relationship is
(01:37):
the biggest determining factor in your child's mental health or
mental well being. So then you know how you just
you scroll through. There's different screens. There's a bunch of
other powerful quotes in this one Instagram post, but it
ends with this. You think they're testing boundaries, they're testing
something deeper. Does your love remain when they're at their worst?
(01:57):
Your answer becomes the their blue print for self worth.
Holy moly, Like I had chills from head to toe.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
And I have not stopped hearing about this woman ever.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
Look, I said, TJ, I often annoy you by showing
you things that moved me online. I immediately told you
I know about this post.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
I know which ones to dismiss.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
This wasn't one, so I saw it, and look, I
am most of us are probably discerning in terms of
who we follow because you don't want to be inundated.
But I just immediately started following this Instagram site, and
I think within a day I got a d M
back and thanking me for following her, and it was
(02:40):
really sweet and it was just really I just moved me.
And then I thought, wait, this woman seems awesome, her
site is incredible. Why wouldn't we have her on the podcast?
And so guess what only Yeah, she's actually sitting right
across from us right now. Reamrouta joins us at Parenting
Expert author Mom, and just thank you for being here.
(03:03):
And you really really grabbed my attention. The deeper dive
I did on your Instagram account, the more I fell
in love with what you're telling parents.
Speaker 3 (03:12):
Thank you, so thank you. I'm thrilled to be here
with you. Thank you all.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
So how does one become a parenting expert? How did
you get started in all of this? When did you
have your aha moment?
Speaker 3 (03:23):
Well, I started my parenting journey on the wrong foot.
I was very anxious and nervous and panicked and full
of unprocessed anger that was coming up with my son,
with my baby son when he was so young, and
then COVID hit right around when he was about turning two,
(03:46):
and I broke. I had my breakdown, my rock bottom.
I was just in debilitating fear. There was also a
tragedy in my family that also hit me, and I
just broke and things were not going well between me
and my son. He wasn't sleeping, I was yelling. It
(04:09):
was a mess. But when I broke, it hit me
like a ton of bricks. What was the problem, And
the problem was me. It was what I was bringing
to the table. It was my energy that my son
was reacting to. His behavior was you know, just a
reflection of my inner landscape. And the breakdown led me
(04:34):
to just this self awareness, this transformation, reading, meditating, learning,
and then I found doctor Shefali, who is a you know,
the conscious parenting god, and I started learning from her
and then I became trained through her to become a
conscious parenting coach. Because of the transformation I had, I
(04:59):
went from one end to the extreme other, and I
wanted all parents to feel the liberation and the change
and the amazingness that I now feel.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
I don't even know where to start, so I'm going
to go back to where you said, the initial anxiety
when your son was a baby. Was what you were
going through them then something that a lot of parents
go through. Is it typical or do you think you
were doing or what you were was happening to you?
(05:35):
Was more on an extreme end.
Speaker 3 (05:38):
I think it was typical, A little extra because of
my childhood that I never dealt with. I actually, until
I was forty one, I said I had the best childhood.
It was great. And then when I started really looking
at it, I didn't at all. I told myself I
(06:01):
had a great childhood. I was living in a state
of fear constantly. I was physically abused by my father. Sorry,
I you know, I don't remember my mother playing with me.
Sorry mom, I don't you know. And our children are
gurus and the fact that they show us where we
(06:23):
need to heal. So my son's inability to sleep just
had me on a tailspin, and I was literally yelling
at him to fall asleep. And I think, yes, so,
I think every parent comes with their own story, with
their own unresolved issues. But mine was just a lot
(06:43):
of anxiety and rage inside.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
Were you parenting the way you were parented?
Speaker 3 (06:50):
Yes too, Yes, I was actually neurotically repeating things my
dad used to say to me to my son for
no reason, you know, I just it just came out
like a robot. And yeah, I was hot tempered like
my father. And now I'm you know, I really don't
yell anymore.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
Your story, when I was reading the background of it,
spoke to me because I look back. I also had
a child, my first baby, who didn't sleep for a year,
and I actually thought I was going to lose my
mind because you have these certain expectations about how a
child is supposed to act. Because that's what I was,
that was what was expected of me. So you then
immediately expect that of your children, and then you think
(07:33):
you can control them, and it turns out you can't
actually control anyone else but yourself. But yes, that's when
you start yelling, you start getting aggravated. And look, I've
struggled with those defaults in my parenting, and I've looked
back and thought, if I could do it again, I
would have done it so differently. So hearing what you
have to say to parents to me is such a
(07:53):
game changer because we were trying, We're all trying to
do the right thing. We're all trying to get our
children to be good people to behave to be respectful.
But how do you do that without being controlling and
being a disciplinarian. You say, there's another way.
Speaker 3 (08:09):
Yes, And that's the magic place that I think we
all as parents need to try to get to. It's between. Yes,
our children need boundaries, they actually crave boundaries or else
that causes anxiety too. We need to hold them and
guide them. But without that control, without fear, without shame,
(08:34):
and keeping. You know, we think that our power as
parents comes in how much we have, how much control
we have over our children. But that's so wrong. Our
power and our influence is in our strength of our
relationship with our children. That is what we have to
focus on. That is what we have to hold on to.
(08:57):
That is what we have to put Number one not
quote unquote discipline, because when we say discipline, it usually
means punishment. Discipline means to teach, to guide. So yes,
we are supposed to discipline our children. We're not supposed
to punish them. Punishment doesn't even work, it's it's counterproductive.
That's another podcast episode.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
But you know, I made a whole bunch of mistakes
because I'm telling you, punishment was a huge part of
my parenting.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
But what do you mean by you keep saying relationship
is important? What does that look like aside from discipline?
What does it look like for parent? Who's listening right now?
And how am I supposed to improve relationship?
Speaker 3 (09:35):
Okay? Well, relationship is everything and it sounds simple, but
it's the hardest thing to do because it takes the
parent being present and none of us are. You know,
it's especially in this day and age. We are busy,
we are distracted, we are always in a rush, we
are stressed, we are frazzled, and we're not even connecting
(09:56):
with our children. We're not sitting with them and doing nothing.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
We're giving them iPads and iPhones or we're on ours.
Speaker 3 (10:03):
Yes exactly, and there's just it's all disconnection. Really, what's
going on. We're not having deep conversations, we're not you know,
open emotionally with them, vice versa. It's just like getting
through the day overscheduled and we're not there. It's not
(10:25):
another myth is what we do for our children? Do
do do? We're so consumed with what we do for
them that we forget who we are to them, and
that's what matters. We need to be We are their
safety net. We are their you know, their world. They
are so needy for us emotionally, and no one tells
(10:55):
us that. No one teaches us that. They just tell
us the types of diapers to get and wet wipes,
and they don't say the first three years are the
most important. They don't tell us that. They tell us
to ignore them when they're crying at night.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
You know, I did that. I have chills because I
did that, and I felt guilty when I was doing it,
but I did it because I thought I was supposed to.
Speaker 3 (11:15):
I know, I know, you say, pick that baby up. Yes,
I did it too. I was you know, my doctor,
even against of course, it's against all of our motherly
instincts to do that. And that was before I had
my AHA. And it's my biggest regret of my life
and it haunts me a lot and I fight not
you know, thinking about it. But it's the worst thing
(11:37):
we could possibly do, neglect our babies when they need
us the most, you know what I mean. I'm sorry,
but you know what, we didn't know what we didn't know,
and it's okay, yeah, you know, you know, we we
think that we're supposed to trust these doctors that tell us,
you know that know better than us. But I'm sorry
when it comes to that, that is neglect.
Speaker 1 (11:58):
I think too, like I don't. I felt this responsibility,
especially having two little girls, that my job. I had
this in the back of my head almost in a
weird way, not to get too involved or too connected.
I told myself, my job is not to have them
need me, but to have them be independent of me.
That that was my job as a parent, to not
(12:20):
create these needy creatures who I felt completed by, but
instead to raise independent And so for that I almost
tried to create a little bit of a disconnect so
I didn't get overly emotional.
Speaker 3 (12:32):
Yes, and that's a big misconception too, the independence thing.
We so young, we push our children dress yourself, feed yourself,
entertain yourself, put your shoes on, by yourself, pushing them
to be independent. But that's not how independence comes. It
comes from them feeling so satisfied and depending on us.
(12:58):
Then independence comes letting, you know, taking care of them,
doing things for them, and then one day they're like, no, mommy,
I want to do it. You know what I mean.
That's that's true independence, not pushed because they take it
as pushing them away from us, not you know, and
and why is this? Why are we so rushed for
them to be independent? Anyways? Right, they're babies, they're small kids,
(13:22):
they're tartherers. What is the rush? Right?
Speaker 2 (13:26):
Well, I'm so are we just going to Can you
ever really have a shift in the way we parent
in this country? No matter how many books we put out,
no matter how many experts we have come on, no
matter how many times they go to whatever CDC, FDA
or whatever child organization online, don't don't most people in
this country end up learning parenting from their parents. And
(13:49):
it's is it not just a cycle that continues? And
how is that cycle ever going to get broken?
Speaker 3 (13:53):
I know, Well that's my mission is to break the cycle.
It's the most important work. I think it's I think
it's our responsibility as parents. There was no manual, no
exam to take. We just wing it. We don't know
what the hell we're doing. And it's such a crucial, vital,
fundamental job that is literally shaping a soul. You know,
(14:19):
the parent child dynamic is responsible for our lives.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Really, it affects every other relationship in your life. You're
whoever your significant other is you are. From what I've
read and gathered, you are healing your wounds, yes, from
your childhood. And so whatever is happening in your home
when you're younger is absolutely going to come into your
home in a marriage or in a relationship situation.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
Absolutely. And I think this is why we're all kind
of screwed up as adults. You know, addicted alcoholics, depressed
on anxiety medication. I had severe anxiety and depression and
I had to get hypnotized. It was so bad. It
didn't work, by the way, But you know it, and
it's all comes back to our childhood. It's everything. It's
(15:04):
not a dress rehearsal. It's the entire play, it's the
entire life depends on. And it's the relationship. Life is
about relationships. So it's the father, the mother, how they
are with their child. The child comes with two needs,
a strong parental attachment and the need to be their
(15:24):
authentic selves. Again, they both sound simple, but we screw
both of them up in a few days.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
And I wonder how much a lot of this has
culturally comes into play too. You know, I come from
a family, a long line of German Catholics, and there was,
you know, being strict and being faithful and all of
that was a big part of it. And there are
a lot of amazing things that come from that. But
I remember part of a parenting philosophy I heard growing
up is my job is not to be your friend.
(15:53):
You can have your own friends. My job is not
to be your friend. What do you think about parents
being friends with their children? Is that a good thing?
Can that be a bad thing? A lot of people
have vastly different views on that.
Speaker 3 (16:06):
I'm actually gonna make a post about that because I yes,
be their friend. Why not? They need you as a friend.
It doesn't mean you have to erase being a parent. Yes, right,
like they people think either friend or a parent? Yeah both,
I'm I'm I you know, because this is what happened.
We take on parenting as a role and we play
(16:30):
the part. We are in control. We have to be strict,
we have to you know, keep them in line, and
then we lose our humanness. And that's what our children
are begging us for. They're like, where are you underneath
the mom? Underneath the dad? Show me you.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
My daughters have pretty much said that to me recently.
So yeah, I mean I need to take this all
to heart.
Speaker 3 (16:51):
Yeah, sure, and so I'm me and my son are
best friends, but I'm also his mother. I have to
say no fifty times a day. I have to keep
them in line. I have to take the you know,
turn the TV off and say it's time to you know,
and I guide him. But of course, because actually my
whole thing, minute by minute, I'm always aware of our connection,
(17:17):
of the relationship, if I'm straining it or if I'm
keeping it tight where I want it. You know, that's
the focus is on me and our bond. How I'm
speaking to him, the look I make on my face,
you know, the sigh that I keep inside, you know,
(17:37):
because the that's what that's the missing piece. That's what
I want.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
You know.
Speaker 3 (17:44):
Parents to get from this conversation is the best thing
they can do for their children is to start being
hyper self aware.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
We well, we attach this to romantic relationships usually when
we say hurt people, hurt people. But you kind of
alluded to something earlier, how you were going through so
much that it was causing you to be a bad parent.
Can we take that as our broken people are broken parents?
Is that always going to have an impact on your
parenting or is it possible to try to compartmentalize and
(18:16):
separate those things.
Speaker 3 (18:17):
I don't think unless you do the work, it's possible,
because it just seeps. It's unconscious. You're either asleep or
you're awake. I was asleep and now I'm awake, and
it's a different world. It's a different world when you're
awake and you're conscious, and you're aware of your energy,
You're aware of what you are bringing to the table.
(18:37):
You're aware that your child is only reacting to the
environment you've created for them. They're not And when they
are disrespectful or rude, or giving attitude or hitting even
what does it say? What is? What did you have
in that?
Speaker 1 (18:52):
You know?
Speaker 3 (18:55):
But I think we're all broken. We're all broken, and
no one tells us that we have to heal.
Speaker 2 (19:05):
How would you recommend again? We are folks sitting in
this studio and we are privileged to be here. We
have some opportunity and resources that a lot of people don't.
And I would say most people don't because some people
are just trying to get food on the table tonight
and they're not trying to listen to any of the
three of us talk about how they need to go heal.
How do you even help and guide parents? It's hard
(19:27):
to heal when you're under constant assault of a bank
account not having enough money in it, not enough food
on the table. What could you possibly advise folks who
are in that struggle but still trying to do the
best they can as a parent.
Speaker 3 (19:41):
Yeah, Well, first I always say to just look back
at your childhood and start reflecting, and the big memories
always come up, you know, the ones because we remember
how we were made to feel. And even the step
before self awareness is self compassion, you know, so to say, wow,
(20:02):
my parents were a little rough on me, or I
didn't deserve that, or mom mom didn't play with me,
or I felt neglected, I felt portrayed, I felt you know,
they punished me a lot, or they made me feel
worse about myself. Or I wasn't allowed to be loud,
or I wasn't I wasn't allowed to be shy. And
let you know, look back and say and not to
(20:24):
feel sorry for yourself, but a little bit, you know,
to have that wow, I went through that, that was
hard on little me, and and have that compassion and
then self awareness, be like you know, my son used
to splash me my face with water and it used
to turn like playfully, but I'd go into a rage
(20:47):
and like rage, like I'd scream so loud that he
would shake and I would shake like it was a mess.
But but now he can do it, and I laugh
because I've connected the dots to why that enraged me
so much, why it provoked me so much, why it
made me so you know, heated, and just to self awareness.
(21:12):
Just connecting the dots magically changes you. Just it does silently,
but it makes you more aware. It makes you have
that choice in the heat of the moment that you're
not just reacting. You you pause and you're like, Okay,
(21:34):
what is this really about?
Speaker 1 (21:36):
Yeah, I mean, because it is in those tough moments,
especially when you are frazzled, coming off of you know,
maybe two jobs and being worried about not paying the
bill or getting a big or any of that stuff,
you lose your temper, quicker, your your ability to handle
any little thing splashing your water in your face, or
a kid screaming or crying. It can send you into
a rage. Yes, that's totally understandable. I thought something else
(21:58):
that was interesting because and with that sometimes comes yelling. Yeah.
But one of the things you wrote in your social
media account, which is h I Love parenting, by the way,
was that kids don't listen to the loudest voice, they
listen to this safest voice. Yes. I thought that was
so well put because if your the loudest voice, they're
(22:21):
going to go find another one.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
Yes. Yes, And you know, I was the loudest voice,
and my son answered me in his loudest voice like
it was just you know what I mean? And then
he was showing signs of anxiety and no, there's no
tantrum without stress or anxiety in the child, right, and
(22:43):
so he was I was just I was giving him
mine on a silver platter. He was soaking it up
like a sponge, all of my anxiety.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
So when your child has I just want to hear
you because this is something to think about. If your
child is having a temper tantrum, you actually should look
at yourself absolutely, not at your child. No, that's hard.
I know, it's very very you know, I would have
gotten a spanking, or I would have put my kids
in the corner or pulled them out for a very
long time out. But I should have given myself a
(23:14):
time out.
Speaker 3 (23:14):
Well, yes, and why look what you just said. You know,
I put them in the corner or a very long
time out. Why because they had big feelings that you
can't handle. Wow, you know, and so you withdraw your
love for five ten minutes or an hour?
Speaker 1 (23:30):
Yeah, because that's what I knew to do, or that's
what I thought was the right thing to do.
Speaker 3 (23:33):
And what message did that give them? You're unlovable right now?
I can't handle it right now. You're not invited in
my presence right now to.
Speaker 1 (23:41):
Com make me cry.
Speaker 3 (23:42):
I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
No, but that's true. I hear you.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
Yeah, No, your daughter's had a legitimate rape. Hi.
Speaker 3 (23:47):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
I had to think I dismissed them every time they
pulled me aside to talk about you.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
But no, but that, but that is not something we're
thinking about in the moment. We're needing to correct their behavior,
but we need to ask ourselves why are they acting
that way?
Speaker 3 (24:01):
And behavior the word it's, you know, it's it's we're
so focused on their behavior, and but we we we
don't even consider that we have anything to do with it.
They're they're reacting more than behaving.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
I got a couple more big things. Want to hit
it one. We'll get to social media in a second.
That's its own thing, properly, right. Okay, but what would
you say for parents out there the things you're hearing
about most as the biggest challenges. I don't want to
just say what's the number one? Maybe you do have
a number one. But when folks do ask for advice,
what what are some of those main challenges and some
(24:36):
of the solutions you do give? So just curious what
it is?
Speaker 3 (24:41):
Well, I get a lot of you know, just kids
not listening and throwing tantrums and hitting their brothers and
sisters and just being you know, strong willed quote.
Speaker 2 (24:51):
Unquote, and some of us called the misbehaving. That's not
what we should call it. Strong willed and misbehaving?
Speaker 3 (24:55):
Is that the same thing?
Speaker 2 (24:57):
Okay?
Speaker 3 (24:58):
Do tell well, just because you know, a child that
is constantly tantrums are normal, but not every day five
times a day, you know that's a sign that something
is a miss. You know, some thing's not you know,
the child is resisting something. So this is what I
(25:20):
tell parents. Our job is not to fix and modify
the behavior, but to remove what the child is resisting.
And when that's gone. There's nothing to resist. And usually
it's the parents over control. They're misaligned expectations, check check,
you know, their anxiety, their their you know, irritability and predictability.
(25:46):
You know, we all you know, they're distractability. They're always
in a rush, They're always rushing the child. So there's
you know, they're so I I really make the parent
look in the mirror, and they think I'm going to
give them, you know, five tips or tricks, but it's like, no,
I'm sorry, you have to just really start becoming a
(26:08):
witness of yourself.
Speaker 2 (26:09):
Well, it sounds like for sure that's number one behavioral issues.
People want to ask how do I do that? And
the answer sounds like it's always check yourself, the parent
first and foremost, you need to check out your behavior.
Speaker 1 (26:19):
Oh well, that's that's really remarkable. I'm amazed by that.
All right. So the biggest I was going to ask
you what the biggest mistake parents make, but it's at
looking at the child's behavior instead of their own. Yes,
I mean, oh, I was not expecting that be hindred.
Speaker 3 (26:36):
But because we all make mistakes because we are told
just the wrong information and we're not educated on what
really really matters. But yes, absolutely is focusing on the
child's behavior. I think it's dangerous to parent without looking
(26:56):
at yourself and looking at what you bring, and you're
just burdening the child with your crap and the child
is it's not theirs to carry, it's not their burden
to carry. And you know, there's just a lot of
mistakes about pushing a child to succeed, about being in control,
(27:18):
being your power, you know, just that we need to
mold our children into something that we need them to
be instead of actually preserving and protecting who they already are.
Speaker 1 (27:32):
Wow. Is punishment ever? Okay?
Speaker 3 (27:35):
No?
Speaker 1 (27:35):
Wow?
Speaker 3 (27:36):
No, I add natural consequences are okay. You know, like
there's a consequence to anything already. So when you have
to impose one and think of one and think of
what am I going to take? What am I going
to do to him? How am I going to make
my child suffer for this? Then it's not Wow.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
But there's no consequence to not cleaning your room, no
consequence to not doing what you're told, no consequence for
bad grades, Like is there No, we're not just talking
about corporate right, That's not what we're talking about. But
is there never a room where that any kind of
consequence that I impose as a parent on the child's.
Speaker 3 (28:07):
Okay, Well, do you mean punishment or consequence?
Speaker 2 (28:11):
Well, the consequence of you not cleaning your room is
that I am going to take that phone away from
you or I'm going that's well, so with just semantics here,
I was.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
Grounded for most of my high school years for doing
things that my parents deemed.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
That's punishment, right, consequences.
Speaker 3 (28:28):
Anything from being grounded.
Speaker 1 (28:29):
No, she didn't, I just steaked out when they went
to I did.
Speaker 3 (28:33):
So, I just I I I've been in your shoes,
trust me when I'm like And a lot of parents say, well,
I can't just let them get away with that. They
can't just get away with that. I can't reward them
and let them eat after that or get a cookie
after that. But it's it's really, it's really first understanding.
(28:55):
Punishment is withdrawing your love. It's say you're unacceptable right now.
It's saying you need to suffer because you made a
mistake or this didn't happen. Like, let the room get messy,
(29:21):
you know, let them sit in a messy room and
see how it feels. Let them fail and explain to
the teacher why they messed up. Let them, you know,
let them. Let life be the teacher.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
So don't go back and clean up their room. Don't
go back to the teacher and say, hey, can they
get extra credit, which is what a lot of us do.
You know, you complain, you might punish, but then you'll
fix it for them. Yes, So it's one of those
things I do like to say this, Let life be
let the reality be the consequence. So let them fail,
let them miss class, if they don't wake them up,
if they didn't set their alarm. If you have certain
(29:53):
rules and they break them, then you can't fix.
Speaker 3 (29:55):
Yes, and we don't want to just you know, put
out the fire. We want to prevent the fires from happening.
And that comes back to the relationship. If you're showing
your child respect, you're showing your child respect because we
just demand it from our children. They need it too.
If you listen to your child, listen to them the
(30:16):
way you expect to be listened to, they will listen back.
If you have a positive, healthy, nurturing fun like we
forget to be playful and fun with our kids because
we're so serious. And you know, in the role. Then
that's their motivation to cooperate, that's their motivation to stay
(30:36):
in line, that's their motivation to kind of please you,
you know what I mean, because you guys are on
good terms. If you're on good terms with someone, you
don't want to mess it up. They don't want to
mess it up.
Speaker 1 (30:47):
That's wild, Like just to think about it from that perspective,
And I'm in my mind, like I get it when
they're older, but I'm trying to think about a one
year old a two year old, like how do you
how do you even prevent them? A lot of times
like I think, you know, I know I was. I
think most of us at a certain age were spanked.
But like if you are about to run across the road,
(31:07):
or I got lost in a store because I wasn't
staying with my parents. If you get spanked, she ran away,
my parents would say, hey, I have to do something
to to make my child understand if they do this,
it's dangerous. So that's perhaps why a lot of parents
justify punishment, like for a safety.
Speaker 2 (31:27):
Let it get hit by the car.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
That's obvious.
Speaker 2 (31:30):
It's clearly what m just said. Let the kid get hit.
Speaker 3 (31:35):
No, you know, but but do you do they need
to be hit for doing that?
Speaker 1 (31:40):
No?
Speaker 3 (31:41):
Right, I got lost in an amusement park when I
was small, and I got, you know, beaten up for
it from my parents. But did you know that just
didn't like especially in the heat of the moment. Their
brains are not working like properly, They're not taking in
a lesson. So you're just you're just creating fear. Yes,
(32:02):
And when we create fear, we are creating disconnection. We
are straining the relationship, and the relationship is our power.
If you want them to listen, then pay attention to
the relationship, pay attention to who you are to the child.
Can they come to you with their issues? Can they
(32:22):
come to you with their fears? Can they come to
you with their problems? You know? Or do they fear criticism, judgment,
getting in trouble, getting a consequence, getting grounded? You know
what I mean?
Speaker 1 (32:34):
I do? You know?
Speaker 3 (32:36):
Yeah? And that we need to protect this relationship at
all costs because it just matters so much more than
we realize.
Speaker 1 (32:45):
Wow. Yeah, how like I'm curious because I mentioned it earlier,
how much of our current mental health as an adult?
You mee TJ sitting in this room has to do
with childhood trauma and what can we as adults do
to acknowledge it because everybody has it. It's not like
you have good parents and I have bad parents. Everybody
(33:07):
had parents mostly who were trying to do the right
thing with the tools they had. But how do you
address where you are in your life and your mental
health and how do you kind of come to peace
with it? And like you had to do that, you
said before you were able to become the parent you
are now, how did you address it?
Speaker 3 (33:30):
It's almost like a journey, but and it's a little
treacherous and difficult to actually face the truth. Like this
is what we have to do. We have to face
the truth of what really happened to us. And because
we pedestalize our parents, we kind of put it aside
and think everything was fine. I'm good, I turned out fine.
(33:54):
Even though there's this I'm good they were good, they
tried their best. And this is not to blame parents
because they had their own story. Yes, you know, this
is a cycle we're trying to break, but it's again
just you know, putting the focus on you. Stop stop
you know, dissecting your child and start dissecting yourself and
(34:19):
really just go deep and have that compassion and begin
to be so self aware that all you do is
focus on you, and then your child will just transform
and get come closer to you and feel because you
are changing, and the climate in your home will change
because you are. You are now seeing your truth, but
(34:43):
then seeing your child's truth as well.
Speaker 1 (34:46):
And I have to say, TJ, are you. We've been
smiling back and forth because I have had the and
I will say the privilege of watching TJ parent, and
I have been in awe of his like I feel
like everything you just said is exactly what he did
I And I am curious how you came to know
how to do it because you have lovely parents. But
(35:09):
your childhood was very similar to a lot of bars
of a certain age where that our parents were strict
and punishment based and consequence based. And how did you
become the parent you are?
Speaker 2 (35:21):
No, That's why I think we asked Only before we
even started, I was asking people just natural born parents.
I mean I didn't take any courses or study or
anything else or even ask my own parents for help. Again,
you have pointed a lot of things out in watching
me and Sabine with my daughter's twelve year old Sabine.
She was describing about punishment. I have never once in
(35:42):
her twelve years, had to punish this job. And that's that.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
She never once had a temper tantrum, not once.
Speaker 2 (35:48):
Once in life have I seen this child have Now,
how did that happen? Did I get a lucky child
with her temperament? Did she just watched? I'm kind of
chill myself. I don't know how that happened, That's what
I was asking our Some people just natural born parents necessarily.
I guess what contributes to me maybe being lucky or
(36:09):
I would never say good. I don't know how it happened.
And you mentioned relationship. This is my best friend, and
you talk about fun. We just came from the Kendrick
Lamar concert this week. She was up all night. We
partied and did our thing, and right, that's the kind
of stuff we always do together, so we do all
those things.
Speaker 1 (36:26):
Fun is a big part of your real and.
Speaker 2 (36:28):
Respect is a big part. And this is a twelve
year old girl. Thank god her friends don't listen to
this podcast, because if they knew the stuff. She comes
back and tells me about her friends and.
Speaker 1 (36:41):
Even when she's involved and it might not look good
that she was there, she'll still tell you she was,
which I've said to you because obviously I'm past that
age now, Like my girls are older and they tell
me too much. I loved about it, but they do.
I do appreciate the fact that they do tell me,
I think almost everything, to the point where I'm like,
you don't have to tell me everything. I don't need
to know everything. But at twelve, I'm amazed at what
(37:04):
she admits to and tells you and is honest about
and it's just it's remarkable.
Speaker 2 (37:09):
So yeah, Ray, do you sometimes just get lucky? So
some people just naturally have an instinct for it? Or
how do you explain?
Speaker 3 (37:16):
Well, I think we all have the instinct deep down,
and then the more traumatized ones of us are limited
because of our trauma. I don't know how your childhood was,
you know.
Speaker 2 (37:28):
What, this is interesting as well? I didn't all I've
gone through the past couple of years and what's happened,
and I couldn't imagine that I would be a better
parent and be better for my child once I was
no longer married to her mother. That sounds counterintuitive, like,
I'm supposed to be nurturing that home, and that's where
the child is going to be best. And it's our
(37:51):
relationship now is exponentially better. Not that it was bad,
but it's just I never imagined that something like that
was possible.
Speaker 1 (37:59):
That's amazing because when you're I think to your like
kind of to what Reem is saying, if you are
whole and you've worked on you, if you find yourself
to personally be happier, you're just gonna be a better
absolutely case some point.
Speaker 3 (38:14):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (38:15):
And so in that sense, I think sometimes parents, I
would imagine, feel selfish taking care of themselves and working
on their own because they think they have to give everything.
Maybe even moms might be more guilty of this. I
hate to stereotype, but give give, give, give, and then
you almost feel like you're owed, and then you're angry
when they talk back to you, will roll their eyes
at you, and I think I have said that, and
(38:40):
you almost feel like you're owed something because you've given
so much. But actually the best gift you could give
your kids would be to work on yourself first. Yes, yeah,
but we don't think about it like that.
Speaker 3 (38:51):
And if no guilt in all this is what your
your child. If they could tell you, they would say,
grow up and fix your self and stop burdening me
with what's burdening you, and let me be free and
liberate me from your will. Wow.
Speaker 1 (39:08):
Wow, that's crazy going.
Speaker 2 (39:10):
On social media. Where do you want to go with
social media?
Speaker 1 (39:12):
Oh gosh, there's you know, and as a parent in
terms of guiding and being there, there are so many
outside distractions now, more than ever before. And I know
people will say, oh, it's so much harder now, but
it actually is so much harder now with social media
and these phones and the electronics, and they have access
to everything and influenced by everyone. How do you handle
(39:36):
What do you tell parents, especially someone like TJ who's
got a twelve year old who's about to be able
to be on all of these accounts and have her
kind of free reign of exploring. Where do you draw
the line? Where are the boundaries?
Speaker 3 (39:49):
Yeah, well, I believe it's so hard. This is actually
the second numbers to a parents complaint is, you know,
screens and social media and phones and TikTok and all
that stuff. So I'm very strict with a couple of things,
with health and toxic things like screens and social media.
(40:12):
So I believe this is a place to have strong boundaries,
and this is a place to have non negotiable and
a strong no and to set limits. Don't give your
child anything near it as long as you can go,
because it's a drug and it's addictive and it's lethal
and they shouldn't have it. So I don't agree with
(40:34):
giving a young child a phone or even an iPad.
They don't need it. Let a child go to a
restaurant and look around and talk and live. You know,
we're just slap them with a screen and because we
(40:58):
can't handle their behavior in a restaurant, and it's like,
can you let your child live?
Speaker 2 (41:03):
To your point, that's the parent, that's not the kid.
Speaker 3 (41:07):
The parent, Yes, don't give it to them, you know.
Speaker 1 (41:10):
And then be upset when you take it away and
they grow a temper tantrum, which we've seen plenty of
times in restaurants.
Speaker 3 (41:16):
Yes, they're so addictive, they're made to be addictive. And
the video games is a whole nother ballgame, and it's
causing so much, you know, damage to children. But so
the parent needs to have strong boundaries when it comes
to that and rules. But if the child is already exposed,
you don't want to be you and this screen. You
(41:40):
become an enemy of the screen because then it becomes
the forbidden fruits and all this, you know. So it's
very touchy. And plus we're on our phones, right, we're
doing the same thing. So finding a balance like okay,
you know what, at seven o'clock all of us put
our phones away, or you know, have something that's not
(42:02):
a rule, but you know, are a lifestyle of your home,
like the conditions of our home. This is how we
do things. We don't watch TV until midnight, we don't
turn it on in the morning. We eat breakfast together instead,
you know. But also the people kids are addicted because
they're getting soothed by social media. They feel important on
(42:25):
social media, they feel.
Speaker 1 (42:29):
See see.
Speaker 3 (42:30):
Yes, that's the word I was looking for. So we
as parents have to give our children that dopamine hit right,
stronger than the screens and social media. We have to
give them what they are seeking, so that so.
Speaker 1 (42:45):
That everyone just wants to belong.
Speaker 3 (42:47):
Yes, yes, you know, when my son watches you know,
soccer on TV, but if I say do you want
to play? He'll drop the TV. And want to be
with me. They want to be with us more. They
want to connect more. Maybe not the teenagers, but you
know what I mean. But if they had the choice,
they always want to connect. And it's and they're so
(43:08):
addicted because they are so disconnected.
Speaker 1 (43:12):
Wow, that's crazy.
Speaker 2 (43:15):
No, just thinking about sabine in the bedroom by yourself
on the phone until midnight on weekends, just doing nothing
on the phone. That's let's talk to police.
Speaker 1 (43:25):
And that's brand new.
Speaker 2 (43:27):
That is new in the past year. That is new.
That is new. So we're going to struggle with that.
Speaker 1 (43:31):
But I think this has all been to me. The
reason why I think I felt so impacted by your
social media account and what you're saying is because it's
true and you know it. When you when you hear
something and you know it's true, it resonates. It doesn't
even need an explanation. It's like, of course that's true.
Of course that makes sense, of course, But it's funny
(43:55):
that all this time you just go by what you learn,
what you know, and it's not necessarily what's right. So
I love your message. I love what you're saying. It
is kind of the opposite of the way I started
out parenting, but it's hope, hopefully, how I can at
least start implementing and ending.
Speaker 2 (44:16):
You did a good job, like your kids turn out.
Speaker 1 (44:19):
Okay, which one who knows, we'll see, but I appreciate it.
So So if you could give parents one starting point,
if they're listening to this and they're thinking, oh my god,
I've been doing it all wrong, what's the first thing
you can do right now, as soon as you stop
listening to this podcast, what can you do to start
(44:41):
going down a different path?
Speaker 3 (44:43):
I would bring it to the child and just be
Just look at your child in a different light, see
them as they really are. They are maybe struggling, just
trying to survive our environment, and they're desperate for connection.
(45:05):
They are desperate for us to be in their time
zone of the present moment, to put our phones down,
to stop being distracted, to see them as they are,
to accept them radically, to listen to them, to respect them,
to be with them raw, no agenda, just be with them.
Speaker 1 (45:31):
How soon will you see a change if you do.
Speaker 3 (45:34):
That, honestly, now, right away? Because so many children are
just desperate and so disconnected and not feeling seen at all.
And just if you one night, do something different. Don't
rush your child, sit with them on the floor, do nothing,
(45:55):
hold them, be with them and let them feel feel you.
Speaker 1 (46:02):
And let me ask you this, No matter how old
your children are, even if they're forty and you're seventy,
is it ever too late? No.
Speaker 3 (46:08):
I worked with a couple that had her thirty seven
year old son and we work together and they reconnected,
and you know, it helped a lot. And he was
clearly just so needy of their their attention that he
wasn't getting.
Speaker 1 (46:29):
At thirty seven. At thirty seven, Well, I just want
to say thank you and let everybody know. Tell everybody
where they can find you, where they can read about
I know you've got you're an author, and you've got workshops,
and you've got your social media. So let everyone is like,
I need to know more about this. Where can they
find you?
Speaker 3 (46:47):
Sure? So? I I love parenting on Instagram and I
just came out with the Healing Journal for Parents. It's
an eight week process to you know, reconnect with your
younger self, figure out what your wounds are, your triggers,
your patterns, heal you so that you can show up
(47:07):
as the parent your children needs you to be. It's
very you know. As much as this is to protect
children's mental health, which is in a crisis right now,
this is to liberate the parent, to liberate you from yourself,
from your ego that is hijacking you and running the show.
(47:28):
You know, your wounds are in the driver's seat and
we're just in the passenger seat, like for the ride.
It's time to get that person out, let the real
you underneath all of those wounds emerge, and then you
can show up for your child.
Speaker 2 (47:42):
The first question you suppose to answer as a parent,
what moments from childhood still make your body tense up
or feel small. It's gonna be a tough journey for me.
Speaker 1 (48:00):
Reed, thank you so much for being with us. We
appreciate it. What a pleasure. We hope has helped so
many people who are listening it. Certainly I can definitely
attest personally this is going to help you and hopefully
than my two daughters. Thank you, Thank you for
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