Episode 2: Toxic Love or Real Bond? Trauma Bonding, Emotional Health and Reimagining Intimacy

In this impactful episode, Big Loon breaks down the crucial differences between toxic love and authentic connection, offering deep insight into how communication and vulnerability shape healthy relationships. He examines how societal expectations often teach men to equate silence with strength, creating emotional barriers that damage intimacy and trust. Through candid reflection, Loon encourages listeners to confront these patterns, embrace emotional honesty, and build relationships rooted in accountability, openness, and genuine care. This episode serves as a powerful reminder that real love requires courage, communication, and the willingness to unlearn toxic habits.

This episode is brought to you by Healthysexual from Gilead Sciences.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
What's Up Its Big loan from It's Up That Podcast.
On this episode, we're unpacking the difference between toxic love
and a real bond. How so many of us will
talk to survive love instead of experiencing it. A lot
of men think being solid means being silent. I'm good,
I got it. That's the script we memorize before we

(00:22):
even know ourselves, because somewhere along the line, expression got
label weakness. So now we perform composure while we're falling apart.
We rehearse strength until we forget what honesty sounds like.
The danger is performance feels powerful. People applaud you, heat
don't fold, But endurance ain't the same as evolution. Silence

(00:46):
in your relationship looks like silencing your health. You won't
ask what's wrong, you won't say what hurts. You will
hide the question that can save your life. In the
name of pride. You will share bed with someone you
wouldn't share a boundary with. You'll share your body, but
not a conversation with. And that's not intimacy. That exposure

(01:07):
without connection can cost both people. We know love becomes
performing if honestly becomes a threat. See we grew up
watching chaos and calling a commitment watching survival, I remember
calling survival love. So now when something peaceful shows up,
it feels suspicious. When accountability shows up, it feels suspicious.

(01:29):
We say it's too calm, it's too unfamiliar. The only
thing we ever trusted was tension. But real love does
not require chaos to confirm its presence. You can't mention
connection by how much pain you survive. It's about how
much truth you can sustain. If you can say I
love you, you can say when were you tested and

(01:49):
where were you tested. If you can tell someone what
turns you on, you can tell then what keeps you safe.
We got to have real conversations with one another. We
argue about lordie, please discuss your protection.

Speaker 2 (02:04):
Silence is not strength. It's self sabotage.

Speaker 1 (02:07):
With a deep voice, you think you're protecting peace, but
you're just providing dysfunction. An APA study says men are
half as likely to discuss emotional or physical health with partners,
and twice it's likely to suffer from the consequences and
to do it in silence. I want you to understand
what that means for us, we call it.

Speaker 2 (02:28):
Being a man. To carry it and deal with it
in silence.

Speaker 1 (02:31):
But what if being a man really means you care
enough to communicate. That's how we perform manhood. See, we
rehearse strength until we forgot what honesty sounds like. Somewhere
beneath I'm good and I got it. We lost the
ability to tell the truth. We don't tell her when
we're tired. We don't tell her when we're scared. We

(02:52):
don't tell them when we unsure. We think love would
even see that as weakness, being vulnerable. We think love
is see being vulnerable as weakness. You know, besidelencing your
relationship looks a lot like silencing your health. You won't
ask what's really wrong, you won't talk about what really matters.
You'll share your body, but not your truth. That's not intimacy,

(03:16):
that's performance. And listen, I get it. We're never talked
to be soft, only to survive. So now when we
feel that calmness that love brings, that atmosphere that love
gives off and radiates from real love, it feels suspicious.
When peace shows up, we think it's a setup because

(03:36):
the only love we saw growing up was chaotic, loud, competitive, conditional.
Somewhere along the lines, we learn that the loudest one
in the room is I'll let you finish that. Growing
up in chaos, you will want to do anything for
your peace, but the conditional love would have you look

(03:57):
at things through a different lens. So now we mistake
peace for boredom. We mistake understanding for weakness. But love
is not supposed to join you. It's supposed to align you.
Align you with your truth, align you with your beliefs,
align you with your goals, and alignment that even means truth.

(04:19):
If you can say I love you, you can say
when way you tested. These are the real conversations we
must now have with our community and the next generation.
And we can create a safe space because if I
share my bed with you, I should be able to
share my truth.

Speaker 2 (04:37):
You can't claim lordy if you hide your reality.

Speaker 1 (04:40):
Stop performing strength and start practicing safety, because silence just
doesn't hold the connection.

Speaker 2 (04:47):
It builds resentment.

Speaker 1 (04:49):
We think we're protecting peace by not speaking, but really
we're protecting dysfunction. You know, there's nothing strong about a
man who dies protecting his pride. And I was taught
strength is the ability to lead with truth, even when
it costs you your image, even when it costs the vibe,
even when it costs someone being uncomfortable about the situation.

Speaker 2 (05:10):
That will in strength is the ability to lead with truth.

Speaker 1 (05:14):
Love without clarity is just chaos and it's dressed up.
And let's be real. The next time you say I'm good,
ask yourself, are you really good? Or are you just
avoiding the real conversation? Because one will heal you and
the other will hunt you again. Being a leader is
just not about the image. It's the integrity. Real love

(05:36):
isn't loud, it's consistent. It's the small things. The small
check in is the shared accountability, the honesty. It feels awkward,
but keeps everyone safe, the questions, the real conversation's had.

Speaker 2 (05:48):
It's what makes you family.

Speaker 1 (05:50):
Stop confusing numbness with dependability. The quiet one isn't always
the solid one. Sometimes he's the scared one. You can't
lead in silence because leadership requires clarity, and clarity requires
that you prove that you care. You show that you care.
And that's the shift we're gonna make from image to integrity.

(06:13):
Don't die protecting the idea of manhood that never protected you.
Ask the question, start to talk right now. We gotta
break the cycle and break the pattern because the next
generation deserves to inherit more than just our silence. How
do we deal with these things with one another? Healthy
love starts with an honest start, and that includes health itself.

(06:34):
So when you say I'm good, meaning don't ask it.
When you say I love you, let it be in
protection in motion, not performance on repeat. Because a man
who leads with honesty, he doesn't just protect his partner,
he preserves his own legacy. This special episode of It's
Up That Podcast with Loan brought to you by Healthy

(06:55):
Sexual from mc gilead Sciences