Tommy Talk: CHOOSING QUALITY FRIENDSHIPS OVER QUANTITY

On this episode of, “Tommy Talk,” Tommy discusses the importance of having quality friendships, and why it is so much more meaningful than being surrounded by a crowd. Quality friendships aren’t about how many people you know, but rather how intimately and deeply you are known. Adulting means figuring out who those people are in your life, and choosing to focus your limited time on nurturing the friendships that truly fill your cup. For anyone looking for a little clarity on the friends that you should hold close in your lives, this episode is for you. Here’s to keeping close the supportive kings and queens who make our lives so much better. 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey guys, welcome to Tommy Talk. Today's topic is choosing
quality friendships over quantity. Now, friendship is one of the
most important things in our lives, right. It is something
that we need in every phase and every stage of
growing up and adulting. But I would actually argue that
friendship is even more critical and more important as we

(00:25):
get older, as we adult, because life is hard. There's
so many things that come our way the older we get,
and real life problems happen that perhaps don't happen when
we're kids, and you really need people that you can
lean on and that you can count on, and that
at any moment of any day you can call or
text and you know that someone is going to be

(00:45):
there for you. It's a beautiful thing to find your
tribe in life. And that's why I always say quality
friendships is so much more important than quantity. Having people
in your life, even if it's just a few that
you know have your back through thick and thin, is
so much more valuable than having twenty you know so

(01:06):
so friends, Because at the end of the day, who's
going to have your back and your best interest those
few friends or those twenty friends. And I've learned this
throughout my life in some very big and important lessons,
And I think people sometimes sometimes say, oh, man, I
wish I had more friends, whereas the narrative should be

(01:26):
I wish I had more quality friends. So I think
I'm also passionate about this topic because there's a lot
in life we don't get to choose. Things just happen
sometimes to us, and we can't control them. As much
as we try to hold onto that control, we don't
control life all the time. You can only control so much.
But you can control who you're friends with, and who

(01:47):
you invest in, and the people you allow in your
life and in your inner circle, which I think is
tremendously important for a variety of reasons. So I always
was told by people older than me, as you get older,
your circle gets tighter, and I never really knew what
that meant. So I was like, I don't know about that.
I mean, I can't imagine there's people in my life

(02:08):
today that wouldn't be in my life in a few years. Well,
let me tell you that saying is one hundred percent right.
The circle does get tighter. That doesn't mean you don't
have many different groups of friends and people in your life,
because I do. I have a lot of different friend groups.
But when I think about my core and the people
I know would be there for me in two seconds,
you who have proven to be there for me in
two seconds when I needed them, it is a tight circle.

(02:30):
It is a tight circle. You can have a lot
of acquaintances, but like that deep level of intimacy and
a best friend, it's a different thing. And I think
about even my wedding. My wedding was almost ten years ago,
and I look at who we invited to that wedding,
and there are people we invited to that wedding that
would not be invited to the wedding today. And I'm
not just talking about like two or three I mean

(02:52):
there is a large chunk of people that would not
be invited to my wedding today. And then I think
about the people I've met throughout these ten years that
have passed, and I can't believe they weren't at my wedding.
Some of my bestest friends in the world. So it's
funny how life does change. And that's one of the
kind of real world examples for me where I was like,
oh my god, that's saying about your circle getting tighter,

(03:14):
and how friendships can change over the course of your life.
It's so true. Geo and I joke like we need
to redo our wedding because there's a handful of people
we cannot believe weren't there. So it's a really interesting
thing kind of as you go through life and as
you meet different folks who come in and out of it,
who you connect with, and who you realize you're not
really connecting with anymore. So the adulthood transition, it's it's

(03:37):
interesting because there's many lessons I'm learning. And I'm going
to be forty next year, so there's many things I've
seen and I've experienced and I've witnessed with friends in
my life that have been both joyfully pleasant and surprising,
but also heartbreaking. And I am so lucky to have

(03:58):
certain people in my life that I've had forever. Like
my best friend Joey is my cousin, and we grew
up together and he's been a part of my life
since birth. And yeah, he's family, but family doesn't always
mean your best friends. And we've chosen to be best
friends and we've invested in our friendship and he is
someone in this world who knows me more than anybody.
And I'm so grateful and thankful for that. And honestly,

(04:19):
in high school, him and I we leaned on each
other so much because I would say we weren't always
the coolest kids around. We were theater boys and we
were artsy and we were creative and that wasn't always popular. Right,
So we have friends, but him and I we were
each other's right or dies and we still are. And
I think there's so much value in that, because you

(04:41):
need somebody you can lean on. And I was so
fulfilled with that. I was so fulfilled with that friendship.
I didn't have twenty best friends in high school. I
mean I had a handful, and Joey was one of
them and is still one of them. And that for me,
like it got me through really tough times. And I
think he would feel the same way. And I'm so
lucky for that. So it's really about quality. And I

(05:01):
don't know about you, but have you guys ever been
ghosted when times get tough by a friend? Yeah, it
doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel good. That's not a
quality friend, being ghosted by somebody who doesn't want to
deal with a hard time you're going through or be
a shoulder for you to lean on, is quite honestly
some bullshit, and that's not someone that should be in

(05:21):
your life as a close friend. So I think that
when you think about the type of person you want
in your life, you have to evaluate a few different things.
There's kind of a criteria, I like to say, of
what constitutes as a quality friend. So first of all,
I think number one is what do you most value
in a friend? For me, it's loyalty and compassion and

(05:45):
empathy and someone who believes in the goodness of the world.
I mean, these are concrete values that we all have,
and I think that they're different for everybody. But you
have to find out which value for you are ones
that you need in somebody else, and you need to
be aligned with that. Why would you be friends with

(06:05):
somebody who doesn't have your values? I mean, have you
ever been having a conversation with someone and they say
something so off color or so bananas that you're like,
oh my god, that is someone I could never be
friends with because we just don't see eye to eye
on the same things. And it's jarring when that kind
of view comes out, because it's so not who you
are at your core. So I think having similar values

(06:28):
is really important. I think that honesty is another value
for me that means everything. You can't have a deep
quality relationship with someone who's not honest. So analyzing what
matters to you and looking at the people in your
life and realizing, Okay, these are the people that have
these values and these are the people that don't is
a good way to kind of weed out who you

(06:48):
want to stay close to and invest in. I think
that's a really important thing. I think that the connection
also has to be something you analyze in terms of
how deep does it go? Is this person with you
through thick and thin? I know it's the marriage vow,
but it also applies to friendship, and it's in the

(07:08):
tough times that you want somebody to be next to you,
holding your hand, wrapping an arm around your shoulder. I
have had people over the last few years that just
weren't there for me when I needed them, when I
needed them, when I've had family members being diagnosed with
incurable forms of cancer, and who I thought was one

(07:32):
of my best friends at the time not even asking
me how I am or how they are, And this
person knows my family member who has incurable cancer. So
there's things that kind of wake you up and unfortunately
do disappoint you in friendships and in relationships as you
go along your life that you realize, Wow, like this

(07:53):
person just wants me around to drink rose by the
pool and not be there for me, and I actually
need you, like when I'm actually falling apart because someone
I love is dying, you're not even there for me.
Like that is not great in a friendship. So I
think realizing that you need someone who has a deep
connection to you beyond just surface level things is important

(08:17):
in finding a quality friendship. I also think that you
have to pay attention to how somebody makes you feel
after you hang out with them or after you interact
with them. Does somebody make you feel good or does
somebody make you feel worse than you felt prior to
hanging out with them? And that's something that's really important
because you can't spend your time with somebody feeling bad

(08:40):
about yourself the entire time, Like that's not a friendship.
And there shouldn't be people in your life who want
to make you feel that bad or that down, or
who knock you down or make you feel not valued
or not imporant, or stupid or silly. Like you need
someone that's kind of your hype man. Like be a
hype man, be a hype woman. I want to hype
people up in my life all the time. I am like, yo, Joey,

(09:01):
you're a king. You've got this. Someone's pissing you off?
F them, like you got to have each other's backs, right,
So you want someone that makes you feel good when
you're actually interacting and engaging with them. It's so important.
And I also think that remembering who hasn't hasn't shown
up for you is super important. I had a friend.
I will never forget this should. I have a friend,

(09:22):
and she is such a beautiful human and I'm gonna
shout her out. Her name is Jenna. And when my
grandfather passed away in twenty twenty, my family or somebody
in my family posted online the services and it happened
right before COVID and I didn't tell anybody. I'm not
the person that's you know, I don't know. I don't
want to inconvenience people. I don't want to make people

(09:43):
go out of their way. I don't want people to
feel bad so I just kind of privately went about
my morning of this and my friends, my close friends,
knew I lost him. But I went to the funeral
and halfway through in walks Jenna, and I'm just totally
baffled looking at her, like, wait, how are you here?
What is what are you doing here? How did you

(10:03):
even know about this? And my stepmom posted on Facebook
the service information and they follow each other, so she
saw that and on her own didn't reach out to me,
didn't reach out to my family, just got in her
car and drove an hour and a half to the
service and walked in to show her support. And I
will never forget that. I was moved to tears because

(10:26):
I just it was such an act of selflessness and
she wanted to be there for me and didn't even
tell me she was doing it. And to just have
a face that I love in that room, aside from
my family, meant the world to me. And that's called
showing up. That is showing up. That is a quality friendship.
So quality friendships are people that do things for you
when you least expect it, with zero expectations, and they

(10:48):
just want to be there for you. That is a
quality friendship and it's it. Literally to this day, it
means the world to me and I will never ever
ever forget that. So making sure that that people truly
show up for you in your life or so, it's
just such an important things. So those are all things
I look for in quality of friendships. And there's a few,

(11:09):
you know, red flags that I will look out for
as well. One sidedness, selfishness, never asking how you are,
never checking in with you, not ever going deeper beyond
the surface level stuff with you, jealousy, never supporting your dreams,
your hopes, your desires. When you have conversations, it's only

(11:31):
about them and their needs and their wants. Never having
someone ask you a question. These are all red flags.
And I'm not saying you need to write anybody off,
because I don't believe in that. That's really harsh. I
think you can distance yourself from somebody, But I'm just
talking about realizing who the people are that you want
to invest in. These are things that you should definitely
definitely look out for. It's draining to be with people

(11:53):
like that. It's really draining. You want somebody at the
end of the day to have your back one hundred
percent and you want to know that they want you
to grow and soar and be the best of you
you can be. Every day I do a little morning
prayer when I'm walking to the gym, and I always say,
for the people in my life, I want them to
find their ultimate source of happiness, where their wildest dreams

(12:14):
come true and they live the life that they want
to live, because that's what I want for my friends.
I want that for them. Their happiness is my happiness,
and it should be the other way around. So just
remember that. If you're sitting around saying, oh my god,
I wish I had more friends, or why is it
so hard to make more friends? If you have a
handful of quality friends, you're doing good. That is what

(12:36):
life is all about, real genuine connection. Numbers don't matter.
And if you're someone looking for that, I hope the
things I talked about today kind of get you on
the right path to finding the types of people that
you should allow in your life. Because, baby, your life
is magic. You are magic. And if you're allowing someone
in your life, they need to be worthy of entering

(12:58):
your life because you can't forget how specially you are.
So here's to just nurturing and spending more time on
the people that matter. And lastly, I always say we're
so busy that I want to spend the free time
I have investing in the relationships that fill my cup.
And I hope you do the same, because we all
deserve that. Friendship is so important we can't get through

(13:18):
this life without it. So here's to taking time to
invest in quality friendships, all right, guys. Here is to
spreading the love and making sure that we all have
the people in our lives that are worthy of our
full selves. I've Never Said This Before is hosted by

(13:39):
Me Tommy Diderio. This podcast is executive produced by Andrew
Puglisi at iHeartRadio and by Me Tommy, with editing by
Joshua Colaudney. I've Never Said This Before is part of
the Elvis Duran podcast Network on iHeart Podcasts. For more,
rate review and subscribe to our show and if you
liked this episode, tell your friends. Until next time, I'm

(14:02):
Tommy Didario.