March 29, 2023 • 53 mins
In this Episode Jill, Laiya, and Aja talk about the role and impact their fathers had on their lives.
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to J dot Ill, a production of iHeartRadio. What
up everybody? It's like EA and as you know, Jill
is on tour, and so it's Asia and Fantine. As
a matter of fact, everybody celebrating the anniversaries on tours,
so make sure you find them in your city, wherever
you are in the meanwhile, we got a show to do,
(00:24):
so we are all selecting our favorite episodes of jdi
ill thus far. Shout out to Amber. She did hers
last week and now is my turn. Wasn't easy. As
a matter of fact, I asked Amber, could we do
a top five? She said no, So now I had
to hurry up and force myself to pick my favorite. Now,
my favorite is one that incorporates to fellas. Because you
(00:45):
don't believe it or not, we got a couple of
not a couple, quite a few episodes of jdi ill
where we incorporate the fellas not just as guests, but
also as subject titles. So in this episode we talk
about our daddies, yep, the religationship between daddy's and daughters.
It's complicated and best believed between me, Jill and Aga.
(01:06):
That's what you got. But y'a also got something real
beautiful and kind of funny. Yeah, So take a listen
to Daddy's Love, one of my favorite episodes of jdi IL,
along with the Fronte episode, the Rory Ward Junior episode,
The White People Do. Okay, I'm gonna stop because before
ever catch me doing this, But y'all get what I'm saying.
Listen to a bunch of episodes of jdi ILL. Thank y'all. Okay,
(01:31):
like it's coming out of her clothes. Girl ain't got
no windows open, so I'm make no noise outside, so
I'm like, let me come out. I'm sorry, y'all. Y'all
gonna get pure sports for our you got to come
on out. Boot book release release. Oh. I felt that
my sister shoutouts is going through menopause, and it is fair.
(01:52):
You doin't have to do that. You ain't have to
do that. I knew. I'm just saying it's fascinating. I shouldn't.
I don't. I don't want it, but I don't want
to not want it. Yeah. I mean, like watching her
that that sweat start coming out to something. I'm amazed.
I'm like, wow, it's happening right now. It ain't fine
I don't think it's fine. It's funny either. Yeah. Yeah,
(02:14):
I'm not looking forward to it, but it's a it's
a reality, right, that's my point. Like, I can't dread
it either. We're right, We're got to talk to somebody
on the show about that some one day about how
to prepare for that, because it's it's kind. But it
seems like though I ain't even gonna lie to y'all,
Like the precursor is just like that, the that the
thing just gets super juicy for about five six, seven
(02:37):
years right before, so it's like and then you're super
dry and then it goes super dry. This is this
is what it seemed like. I don't know. I don't
want to say nothing because I'm experienced it. I buying
that with you and nothing right now and you fixed you.
(03:06):
Oh hallelujah. Oh yeah, what a good time. Oh that's wonderful.
This is not appropriate for where we're about to go,
is it. No, it's not appropriate at all. As you
can tell, we are definitely going to have a conversation
about menopause. I mean we just got to anyway. Today.
(03:30):
Welcome to Jay Dot Elder Podcast. It is me Jill
Scott and Aja Graydon dancler like Yah Saint clair Man. Yeah,
we're all here today. We are going to be talking
about what we learn from our fathers. Oh oh baby, Okay,
first of all, let's start here. Aga. You got a daddy, Well,
(03:51):
I have a daddy in the spirit. My dad has
passed away. He's been, you know, with the ancestors. Now
for oh girl, it's eight years almost nine actually, but yes,
that's a yes. That's an affirmative that you grew up
with the father. Yes, I did, I did, I did.
(04:12):
I grew up with the father. Layah Oh for show,
I grew up with a father and for show. He
has listened to his first episode of jed Ill because
he loved a good compliment. Yes, ma'am, for show and
for myself. Yes, I grew up with a father as well.
He wasn't in our house. But interestingly enough, my father
(04:36):
was my godfather for many years. What's in the Philly?
I'm sorry, what now you in the Philly? Yes, my
father was my godfather for many many years. I knew
he was my father because I looked just like him
and I made just like him. It's not even fair,
(04:57):
and I can't run. I can't run. It's my daddy,
then what you want? Yeah, but for grown up reasons.
He was my godfather for how long? From most of
my life till I think I hit about twenty three
twenty four, and then I was just like, what are
we doing? Like seriously, like what are we doing? Why?
(05:17):
Why are we acting like this elephant ain't in this room? Huh?
Because because he was there. What he was, he was
my godfather, so he was always around. I still want
to hear that conversation. So you had the conversation in
your twenties like let's stop playing this game, let's stop
playing these games. And he was like yeah, okay. And
I my sister who was my god sister. I was like,
(05:38):
I'm your biological sister at her wedding in the guard
and she was like yeah okay, and we just moved
on from there. That was pretty much the gist of
the conversation. And then years later I must have been
about forty maybe forty, and I was like, Daddy, let's
(05:58):
just take this blood test. My mother, of course, was
like she you ain't. Guys like, no, blind tis, I'll
tell you I know what I know. Doubt doubt me
if you walk to I'll show you, and I was like, okay,
let's just let's just do it was nine point nine
nine nine nine nine that I was like, okay, got it,
(06:21):
got it. Yeah. So our dad's our dads, Yeah, what
did we learn from our dad's so much? Well, my
dad was married five times and he picked right the
last one. But I watched him make financial choices. Um,
(06:44):
he was like, how much you got? You got seven dollars,
I got seven dollars, we got fourteen dollars, let's go.
My dad was an orphan, so his thought process was
to build. I don't know if it was necessarily to love.
So he got married four five times and divorced four. Yeah.
(07:07):
So one of the things that I would say that
I learned is that I don't I don't have to
be unhappy. Yeah, I mean, I don't. I don't have
to do that. I don't have to you know, I
understand people who want to stay married forever, but I
ain't gonna be miserable. Yeah, I mean, just because it's
a vow. Yeah, just I'm not. I mean, it's a
(07:29):
it's a big deal. Anybody would prefer to get married
and stay married. I want to have that union and
that partnership and that friendship and that hopefully passionate lover,
you know, for a lifetime. But you know, I've learned
that there's a way out. And every time my dad
lost the house, yep, every time, and he'd start all
(07:53):
over from the beginning, and he would just let them,
you know, take whatever they wanted and he would move on.
M you know, yeah, I learned that, you know, let
them take whatever they wanted, and he moved on, and
he moved on. I'm just saying that what I got
out of that is one that I don't have to
(08:15):
stay in a bad situation, and two not to make
choices about marriage just financially. M Okay, yeah, Okay. It's funny.
I always feel strange talking about my relationship with my
father because I'm in a I feel like, I don't
(08:36):
know why. I feel like I'm in a small collective
of people who had like just amazing daddy love and
even in a home that was like divorce. My parents
got divorced when I was six years old, but me
and my daddy been best friends since I came out
the womb. And he sat there and talked to me
about my life and what was going to happen, and
(08:58):
the joy that I brought into his life. My dad
taught me about joy and the differences between joy and happiness,
and I oftentimes feel very guilty talking about his love
because I I don't have an equal, like bad story
to tell outside of the fact that I grew up
with an artist. My daddy is a drummer. He's a photographer,
so he didn't always have the money. My mom was
(09:18):
a flight attendant. She had a job that came with
a pension and things like that. And although he wasn't
always able to provide for me, and some of those
Christmases were like bags of thrift store clothes, like the
love that my dad expressed to me and showed me
at times, I tell him that he has given me
so much love that he has made it hard for
(09:39):
the men in my life because I'm like, I have
a standard. I know how I want to be loved,
and I know it's as possible even though my daddy
is a man, So the love that he has for
me as a daughter, I'm sure the women in his
life would be like because I too have had a
father who has been married a couple of times. You know,
(10:00):
he is an artist, a New York artist. Okay, so
he was, but he also is eighty. He's gonna hear
that I say this. He eighty one, but he looked
every day at fifty five, so that you know what
I'm saying, right. But as far as like the arts,
(10:21):
jazz music, my dad came up with Michael Peters and Debbie.
It's just it's so many things and arts and culture
and things that my father has brought into my life
that I'm so grateful for, even though we argue almost
every other day. And that's fine too, because he's getting older.
He don't want to hear about my womanly problems, my
physical babe, just talk about anything but that period. But yeah,
(10:45):
it's that it's always interested to talk about Ron Saint
Clair because, like I said, he you know, he was there.
He was there. The money wasn't always there, but Ron
will show up. So oh, I love that, and and
I'm sorry that you that you have to cherry that
or feel like you can't talk about that, because it's
(11:07):
so needed for us to know that there are men
out there from multiple generations that have shown up for
their families and really like loving on their daughters and
as black women, that we have black women out here
whose fathers were loving them thoroughly and beautifully, you know
what I mean, Like it hurts me that there's energy
(11:27):
where you feel like you have to hold back that
story because girl, I want to hear that story again
and again and again and again and again. That makes me,
That makes me thrilled, you know. But it's hard to
watch your girlfriend women sometimes who don't have that in
their lives, and you see it and you see that
they didn't have like a foundation of that, and that's
all they needed to not go through that issue that
(11:48):
they went through, you know what I mean, not understand
that that man wasn't good enough for them. So it's
just it's interesting because I know it shouldn't be hard,
but it's. Yes, it's like, yeah, I grew with some
daddy love and I our guilt. Girl. No, girl, let's
let's ditch it. Let us let us take all of
your guilt and put it in a ten can and
(12:10):
set it a blaze and let it go up into
the atmosphere. Because I'm gonna tell you something, that story
we need that story to heal. Yeah, we need to
that's a that's a crown, and yes it's a crown. Yea.
I don't know. This man called me. He'd be like, baby,
if I miss your call, it's like missing a season.
(12:30):
Oh my god, oh my god. Yeah, okay, okay, So
your father has set the standard for what you require
in this life, for what you're in this life. And
because of that, now all you have to do, my friend,
is to call it. Call it, but you don't look.
(12:53):
Call for it the specifics of what you want in
your life as a partner. You know what it looks like. Yeah,
be as specific as possible. Call it and don't look
out the window, don't pay the floors, enjoy every moment
of your existence, but know that it is coming. That
(13:14):
is not myth. That's the laws of attraction. That's what says. Yeah,
he's like, that is all you have to do. And
so many of us, you know, young women, black women particularly,
we didn't see our fathers loving us like that. You know,
we didn't get a chance to watch. You know, if
(13:34):
you had a mother and father together, you didn't get
a chance to see them making out or dancing together,
or you know, having an argument and fixing it. And
we're learning with a disadvantage in so many ways. But
I got some odd stuff going on over here. Because
Kareem and Ron are like you know, they check on
each other. I make sure like they're friends, my family,
(13:55):
my parents. They're the best divorced couple you will ever meet.
He spends the night when I come to visit, like
and that's not a problem. He got a room. You
just stay in Grandmammy room. You know, it's beautiful. It is.
I think that is amazing, like I said, and I
feel like we need to make sure that there's room
for you to tell this story because this is also
something that for women who do not have this to
(14:18):
I don't want to say live vicariously, but to see
a thing exists, you can also hold some ownership to
it as well. Because there's gonna be a young woman
who's gonna listen to this episode and she's going to
remember that missing a call from me was like missing
a season. She's going to remember that she's going to
to to store that away as a standard, to store
(14:39):
that away as a standard for not only how love
should feel, but how you should give it. All these
things I mean, honestly, to me, that's everything. I mean,
it's value. It's it's such a value, place such value,
or you are like, oh I love it, so yeah,
it's it's a beautiful thing. I really want to make
(15:03):
sure that we have ample space for Ron Saint Clair
in this in this moment, I want us to go, Lord,
he gonna flip. Lord, he's gonna flip baby, let's say
the name. Shoot yeah, because he don't be sad. I
get overwhelmed by his love and I sometimes I'm like,
I don't know how to even get that back, Daddy,
(15:24):
after you said, what do I just when you tell
me what I brought to your life, receive it, receive it,
Receive it and know that you're worthy of it. Receive
it and know you're worthy of it. We'll be back
after the break. My situation my dad is so complicated
(15:52):
because I mean I was deeply loved, do you know
what I mean? Like, my dad and I had a
very interesting relationship. My stepbrother said this to me one time.
He was like, you know, you know you was Daddy's
hip And that's set with me for a long time.
Because my situation with my father. He was a complicated guy,
(16:14):
and so there were times in which he was very
absent in my life, and then there were times when
he was very very present in my life. He was
good with the love part, definitely good with the love part,
not so good with the support part. Wasn't really a
good husband to my mother nor to his wife prior
(16:34):
to my mother, and wasn't really a present and good
father for my other siblings before I was born. And
so it just became a very complicated thing about my
dad and my relationship with my father because even with
some of my siblings, we just had very different interactions
with him, and so having to reconcile the way is
(16:56):
that he wasn't able to show up for them just
was really really weird, odd for me. So I guess
I can understand how Lie is her old guilt, which
she no longer is carrying, but her old guilt, you know,
for having that kind of relationship with her dad that
was so loving, and you having a kind of, you know,
a guilt as well. A complicated situation because your siblings
(17:19):
didn't receive the kind of love that you absolutely And
let me tell you something, I got very close with
my sister and it affected my relationship with my father
because I have like dude, like I can't look at
you the same. I knew that things was odd with
the two of you, but but it caused me the
(17:40):
second guess and look at him differently. And I always
say to my and I have another sister, So gosh,
my situation is so black and messy, messy. I don't
want to I do not want to claim that just
for black people, because right, So, Okay, my mother has
(18:04):
two children. Okay, my sister and I have different fathers. Okay,
but my mother married my dad, and my dad kind
of adopted my sister. So my sister has two dads.
She's had her biological father and my father. Okay, but
all of that's interesting until you adding to the fact
(18:26):
that my father had three children before I was ever born,
and so he was living in the household with me
and my sister, who was not his biological child in
many ways, raising her at the time that my parents
were together, when he wasn't involved with his other children's lives. Oh,
(18:48):
so this is it gets very very messy. They don't
about you, though, No, No, I'm his prize that that
because you know, I got cousins right now. They don't
like my ass because I grew up in Grandmam house,
like I had something to do with it, like I
(19:09):
chose where I lived, or you know, like they're still
annoyed by my very presence because I listen. I'm sure
that there were complicated feelings, particularly when I'm very close
to one of my sisters, And I'm sure that I
know that there were complicated feelings when she was younger.
(19:31):
Obviously you know all of those things. But we're so
close now that is yeah, all of that is whatever
whatever water the bridge and water under the bridge and
just so layered and so were all working through our stuff.
In terms of what I learned from my dad, my
dad has been a person who always made me feel
(19:51):
like I just was the dopest person in the room,
like he just was, Like I never questioned that because
he always feel like I was fun, like I was smart,
He was always listening, you know what I'm saying, And
so I always felt like, yeah, like my daddy think
I'm special. Fuck y'all right, you know what I mean.
(20:11):
I just always felt like, Okay, I'm good to go.
But I also learned from my dad that that whole
thing that Mina Angelus says about what you said and
what you did, but people will never forget the way
you make them feel. I've had to reconcile that my
dad showed up in ways that were not good for
(20:35):
other people, and how they felt was important, and I
had to learn how to separate that from myself. That's
hard because that's my blood. And so I've had to
reconcile who this person was as my father and what
does that mean about who I am? And I learned
from my dad that yeah, you can be funny and charming,
(20:56):
and you can be all these different things, but you
got to be aware of how people will feel, and
you have to show up as the person that you
say that you are. You just have to do that
because it affects people for a very very long time.
You know. It's funny. Care care Gains and I were
just we're just having this conversation a moment ago, and
(21:19):
we were talking about fame and how challenging it could
be because you know, you know my position. I'm still
like listening. We all people don't put nobody on a pedestal.
They're gonna fall off just the way it is, because
everybody's people anyway. Um, I was saying that the tough
part is that you might catch somebody. Somebody might catch
(21:40):
me on a bad day, at a literal bad day.
You know, something in my family, something in my body,
something just something that's heavy to me. And I've learned
now to say something like, listen, I'm not in a
good place today. Says I'm just I'm not in a
good place today. Because you're right, what they remember is
(22:03):
how they felt. So you know, they walk away with this, well,
she was so nasty, she was mean, she she was
just that and the other. Instead of that, I'm like, okay, look,
let me just be up front and say what it is.
But you're absolutely right, you know, it's how people make
you feel. And with my dad, I was short. I
was in school, I was at Temple, and I was
(22:24):
short eight hundred dollars. And I tried to figure out how,
just because I was trying to get through the semester,
how I was gonna get this eight hundred dollars. I
don't know. So I called my dad and I said, Dad,
can I borrow you know, trying to be a big girl,
can I borrow eight hundred dollars? He said, yes, Jilly,
I'll bring it to you. So he shows up gives
(22:45):
me the eight hundred dollars. I paid my tuition, and
I you know, I made it a point to get
that money, to get that money and put some aside,
put some aside so that when I gave it back
to him, it would be the whole eight hundred dollars. Now,
where by the time I got the whole eight hundred dollars,
I literally had maybe seventeen dollars to my name. So
(23:07):
I was like, Okay, my dad is gonna be proud
of me. He's going to he's going to say, oh, oh,
thank you, Jilly, and then he's gonna give me it back,
or he's gonna give me some back, you know, just
because I did my I did. I did what I
was supposed to do. And I'm his daughter, right you know.
You know I'm huffing and puffing through school. Two jobs
(23:33):
money daddy. Yeah, I thought that he was gonna give
me at least some of the day he took that
ship and put it in his pocket, and we continued today,
and I was like, Okay, at any time he's gonna
go now and if he's gonna give me something back,
you know, at least one hundred dollars at least one
(23:53):
hundred dollars that that man kissed me goodbye and went
on about his business. I was is a so mad?
I was so mad? H. I internalized that thing, and
at that point I was like, I will never in
my life need a man for money again. You used
(24:14):
to borrow or how you mad? You used to be
word you used to be worth the L word, which
was loan? Don't you should I have? If only you
should have? I played myself. I played myself, but it
did give me a valuable lesson. I decided I would
never in my life again have to borrow or get
(24:37):
a loan from a man again in my life somebody
like somebody that's in my life like a boyfriend. So yeah, yeah,
you know, while other people are looking at you know,
I'm supposed to date a successful actor or a successful
singer or a successful something, I do not think about
money at all because from him I from me right
(25:01):
and now with the state of pre nups and agree,
we ain't gonna take nothing from me, even motherfucker get
out of here with the mike. Ain't never had no money, girl,
So that's whatever. I wasn't never gonna borrow ship from
my dad. But like I said, my dad was big fun.
(25:21):
Now this is one thing and I and then I
was sitting here thinking, I was like, oh shoot, I
didn't think of this new enough. As a parent. I'm
fun and I got that from my parents. Both my
parents were being fun people to be around. But my
dad was big fun. Yes, oh girl, yes, Like my
dad would take me ice skating, but he couldn't really
(25:43):
do it that well. But he would skate top speed,
girl to speed. And he had this brown coat and
he would fall on the ice and all the white
from the from the ice would get all over his car.
And it was just embarrassing to me, Like we didn't care.
(26:08):
When when it was snow. He would break open the
um cardboard box because we didn't have no money so
we had no carboar a cardboard box. He break up
in the cardboard box. Girl, you would think he's doing
this for us. No, no, ma'am. She's going down the
hill first, head first, running start. I didn't start, you
Know's what I'm saying. Asian, did y'all ever do the
(26:29):
paddle boating on the base and you and your dad yo,
Me and my daddy had all the time paddle boat
y'all listen, I mean just fun, just goofy, goofy, goofy,
and fun sing was sing with me, dance with me,
all those different things, very very because mamma was straight
and Daddy was the fun one, right, Dad was a
fun one. But in my household, honestly, I won't even lie,
(26:51):
my mother was really fun too. God let me go on, Asian,
hold on, hold on, because she might be growing. Let
me just say this, mommy, I didn't mean that you
were straight. I just saying you was more strict and
I had so much fun. And thank you for taking
me around the world. Yes, face the thing though about
(27:12):
that for me again, it's just like I said, complicated
my dad. God made it hard for me when I
became an adult and I had to have boundaries with
my father because I was in love with him. You
understand why I'm saying boundaries because he was messy, he
was a drug addict, He was a liar sometimes. And
(27:35):
you know you talk about borrowing money, my dad would
borrow money from me. My dad would borrow money from
other people. Like I'm saying all this to say, and
you know me, God rest his soul, But I gotta
be honest about who he was. And it was hard
for me because right, you know, and when I got older,
I felt like I'm mature. I'm not a baby anymore,
(27:55):
so not to deal with you like an adult. I
can't just let you get away with it because you're
my daddy, and because I love you and he laugh,
and because you're cute, because you're handsome, and everybody think
you're handsome and they say I look like you, so
I must I must be handsome, you know, and you know,
and all of the ways that I was so attached
(28:17):
to him, and it was painful because it was like
the daddy that I love, I gotta let him die
to deal with the reality of the dad that the
people don't love and that he is. And so that
began my adult relationship with my father, which was so
off off on, so much so that two years before
(28:40):
my dad passed away for two years I didn't speak
to him. I had an unfortunate incident with him involving
my older sister, and I just decided that I was
no longer going to be communicating with him anymore. And
my husband warned me against this. He said, listen, I
(29:01):
have a complicated thing too. I gotta complicated daddy's story too.
He was like, but you care about that relationship, and
now you in here lying to yourself about how much
you care about it. And he was like, if something
happens to your dad, you're gonna be devastated. And I
was like, no, I'm right, I'm correct, and I was correct.
(29:26):
This is where it gets tough with parents. I was
right about what I was upset about, but how I
chose to handle it, it isolated our relationship worse than
it had ever been my whole life. I'd never gone
my birthday not talking to my dad. I'd never gone
(29:47):
holiday seasons and thinks without speaking to my father. And
I didn't talk to him for two years straight. And
I gotta call literally right after my birthday. We had
not spoken. This was the third cycle of birthday going
through the unspell. Got a call and it was like
(30:08):
he'd been diagnosed with cancer. And I drove down to
see him, and oddly enough, my mother was with me.
My mother was in Philly at the time, and she
drove with me and we went down there. And I
hadn't laid eyes on my father in two and a
half years, and so when I went down there. I
walked into the room and he was in bed and
he looked sick, and I walked in there and the
(30:30):
two of us just cried, probably for about the first
thirty minutes that I was there, and I just laid
in the bed with him and we just cried and
cried and cried. I don't say nothing else to each other.
We just cried. And it was a pain of the mistakes.
It was the pain of the non consistent nature of
(30:54):
who he was in my life. It was all the
unsaid things, all of the stuff, and we just cried
that shit out. And then eight months later he died.
And I'm grateful that I had that eight months because
it was pancreatic cancer and that can be really, really aggressive.
So I'm grateful for the eight months. In that eight months,
I feel like I made as much closure as I
(31:16):
could have, and I was okay, and I was with
him the day that he passed, you know. So I'm
grateful to have had that moment. But I always think
about my dad, my relationship with him, and I'm still
learning things about that relationship. And what I learned from
that whole journey was that a person is a lot
of things, and now we just a lot of things.
(31:39):
A person is a lot of things. You cannot compartmentalize
a human being. You know. We've been talking about this
when we talked about our mothers, you know, and and
humanizing our mothers when we had that conversation. You know,
it's the same thing with our fathers. Yeah, my dad's
is a kind of guy who would who would yell
hey baby out the window, and then he would turn
(32:00):
to me and say, oh, that's your cousin. And I
realized that not every woman. It took me a long time,
but it took me, you know, to realize that not
every woman that he was yelling, hey baby was family.
You know, we're gonna take a quick break and then
we'll be right back. He was, I say, was, And
(32:33):
it's not fair. But my dad has dementia and he's
at the state where the majority of the time he sleeps,
you know. Um he I had a moment. Fucked me up,
and they fucked me up, no other words for it.
(32:56):
I went to go see him, and my dad flirted
with me. He thought I was my mom and patted
my ass. Shit. No, I left out of there with
this strange sound in my spirit. It was a strange sound,
(33:19):
and I didn't know what to do. But but just
like bees, weirded out and crying, and I had to,
you know, realize, my dad doesn't he don't know who
I am. Yeah, he has no idea whatsoever. If he
don't see you every day, he really really ain't gonna yeah,
you know, And that was hard. And then before he
(33:43):
had to go to a home. My dad as an
ex police officer, retired police officer, and he had gotten
to a point where he couldn't stay at home anymore
because sometimes he didn't know who his wife was. Yeah,
and if she went room and startled him, you know,
he very well could hurt her or you know, worse.
(34:06):
So he was put into a home and it's just, honestly,
it's just been downhill from there. The before that though,
this was the one that got me too. He had
been diagnosed. I could tell because he had visited me
in California for famis. That's our Christmas time he visited
(34:30):
for famists and he was driving and it was so reckless.
It was so scary that when I got back to
my family, I was like, Daddy can never drive again,
Like he could never drive again, and I knew it
was you know, it was progressing. The dementia was progressing.
The next day, they were leaving, my sister and my
(34:51):
brother in law and my nephews were leaving and I
was standing next to my dad and he pushed me.
He pushed me like a stranger. He pushed me out
of the way to hug my sister. Go about oh
hard though, like real hard, like I almost get the
(35:13):
fuck out the way. Yeah, it was that. And there
again I was just like, Okay, he doesn't know who.
You know, he didn't know you at that moment, you know,
at that one moment he didn't know And I, oh,
I was. I went through the whole thing, like that's
how he really feels about me. I know, but I did,
(35:34):
but as dementia, but I did. I did. I went
through the whole thing, and I was like, that's how
my dad really feels about me. You know, it's like
when somebody's drunk. But that ain't it, ain't it? You know,
truth say you know what. I definitely did that And
that was a lot. So, you know, him pushing me
(35:55):
was one thing, and then him going into the home
and flirting that was something else. Like it was like
tearing the relationship that I had, you know, with my
father apart. Just dementia just was destroying it. Yeah, so
it made it really challenging for me to go and visit,
(36:16):
very hard. And you know, I have to say that
the staff where he was, they didn't help much, you know,
because I'm really there to visit my father, and they
will come in on our meetings and you know, I
want to talk about something, you know that I really
I don't even have the headspace. I'm looking at my
(36:36):
father who can't say words anymore. I'm looking at my
dad who just groans, you know. And you know that
was that was another challenging portion. But the last time
I went to visit him, there was nobody yet that
I knew in there. Yeah he was he was, he
(36:58):
was gone. He's gone. So you're working on cherishing what
you knew, the man that you knew. How do you
take care of yourself in that way? And I just, oh,
I grieve him, Yeah, yeah, I grieve him, even though
(37:19):
his body is still alive. And you know, I just
grieve him. And my stepmother, you know, God bless her.
She definitely, you know, makes it a point to always
visit and to you know, to talk about him, and
you know, she goes there and before COVID and she's
watching a football game. She put a hat on him,
(37:40):
you know, Eagles hand and stuff. And after a while
I had to ask her to please stop, just stop
sending me pictures because he don't ain't in there, He
doesn't look like he's in there. He doesn't seem aware
of his surroundings or what he's doing in any way,
shape or form. It was just painful. She's she's dealing
(38:01):
with it, but I'm asking her not to make me
deal with are dealing with it, because I can't take
it right. I can't take it. I find it, you know.
But you know, it's like when people put clothes on dogs.
You know that dog don't want that. Damn the boots on,
(38:22):
you know, like that's just the only thing I could
think of it, the boament. But just just yeah, I
understand what you mean. So the last time that I went,
and I know that it's the last time that I'm going,
but I send representatives just to see, you know, how
he is and how his room smells and all of
(38:43):
those things. And the last time that I went, and
he just was not in there and at all. I
rubbed his hand and I smelled him. I used to
I love the hair on his hand and on his
on his arm. I love that hair. I could just
rub it and rub it. And I rubbed the hair
and I talked to him and I told him, you know,
(39:03):
all the places that I forgive him, you know, and
that I hope that he would forgive me too. And
you know, I let jet see me more in my father,
in front of my father, because because he's my son
and that's his grandfather, and I needed him to know
that I love my dad. I needed him to know that,
(39:26):
you know, even though you know, he's not himself anymore,
and he's in this place that he needs because it's
he's heavy, like you know, just trying to take it.
It's a lot, and he needs twenty four hour care,
you know, and consideration. So I cry real hard, and
(39:49):
I mean, whoa, Okay, the whole game and all the snots,
all the tears, all of it. I kissed my father
all over and I asked him to you know, relinquish, yeah,
to to let go, because the only thing is it's
(40:09):
his body, you know, just just go. So as selfish
as that may seem to some people. I actually it wasn't.
I was really as you were talking to Jail, I
was like, damn, he's still here. So in a way,
I guess you feel like you can't even speak to
his spirit because he's still here. But when he's when
(40:29):
he's not here, you will have his spirit, you'll have
access to it, and then you just feel so I'm
just say it did not. It's a it's a it's
a limbo kind of feeling. Yes, yeah, yeah, it's like
I feel so sorry, Like I feel like he's trapped, right, Yeah, yeah,
he's just trapped. It makes perfect sense. Oh boy, I
(40:51):
mean it makes sense when when the week that my
father transition, let me let me just say this last
thank you age. I walked out of there with Jet
and I cried some more, and a white butterfly landed
on me and stayed for a while and flew away,
(41:13):
and I laughed. I was like, okay, daddy, okay, like
you know, just you know, those moments matter, those moments mattered,
and that the fact that the butterfly landed on me
and stayed. I was like, thank you, dad, you know
that we I just felt like we've made our piece,
(41:37):
you know, whatever piece that we needed because, like I said,
I was his god daughter for a long time, and
he rode with that. I know that I wouldn't you
know what I'm saying, Like, I wouldn't. I wouldn't ride
with that. There's no way that I wouldn't be like,
wait a minute, hold up, this is my baby, you know,
(41:57):
So that whole not being clean thing, despite when anybody
else is trying to say, um, fuck with me, did
you have that conversation with him? Ever? Yes, yes we did.
We had that conversation. We had to And why say
that he did the thing that you you know you
would have never dined. Well, it's a tough situation because
(42:19):
this is my mother's story, that's right. So I just okay,
never mind, sorry, miss Joy, And I'm not trying to
get you into the trouble I've been in. So I'm
just it's her story to tell it is. But nonetheless,
they had an understanding, in an agreement they proceeded in
life with that. He was not privy to that understanding
(42:40):
and agreement. All I knew is that my sister, you know,
was getting all of the daddy and I was getting
guyfather vibes, you know, shout out to the guyfathers. Nonetheless,
you know, so that that was a that was a thing.
(43:00):
And I'm still you see me, I'm still over here
clutching my pearls because you know, he's still he's trapped
in there. I just feel like he's checked or is
he You saw the butterfly the body, Yeah, you know,
maybe he's only you know what I mean. We can't
(43:21):
pretend to know the spear, can't. We can't. We don't
know it. We don't know it, you know what I'm saying.
We can only put our intentions out there. And you did.
You did you put your intentions out there and the
spirit communicated with you in the ways that was familiar
to you. Yeah. Yeah. I mean when I talk to
(43:41):
guys y'all, at this point, I'm like, listen, you know me,
make a real plain, make a real plain and simple
for me, because you know, when it's too convoluted, I
go into myself and I start thinking my own thoughts
and things. Just make it real, real simple, you know,
please for me, Thank you kindly. Yeah. And I felt
like that was confirmation for me. That's what I needed.
(44:04):
That my dad said, okay, baby, more conversation after this break.
I think of these men and what they know of
a love and parenting and as black men from a
(44:29):
certain age group and a time period. And not saying
that this is not to excuse anything that was done
to anyone, right, but just how much of these things
are they really capable of, you know, just in terms
of just all of the all the things that they
(44:50):
have to grapple with and what they just didn't understand
and know you were talking about talking to Kiera earlier,
and he's such a part of a newer generation of
black fathers, husband and husbands and fathers, but particularly fathers
because and he has a little girl, which is you
know right, And it's like, you know, they have, oh
a skill set in a language, a vocabulary and emotional vocabulary,
(45:15):
a life vocabulary that is different than what our days.
It's no, they have it, and they wouldn't have it
if not for what our dads went through too. And
that's the thing. So I remember when during my dad's
eight months, we talked about a lot of things and
(45:36):
he told me something that he had never told me before.
He said, I worried if my daughters would find good
men ship. He said, I wondered. I worried if they would.
He said, Fatine has mastered something that I never could.
He said, he understands how to hustle with his family
(45:56):
and toe. That's beautiful. He said, I didn't know how
to do both. I would have bawled. And he said
that I'm so grateful that you found someone that understood
the things that I wasn't able to teach you about,
but he didn't have the resources to do it. Also, like,
and I'm saying that he did a lot, but he
did didn't have any It's just so different, different times.
(46:20):
It's just so interesting. So of course, yes, you're right.
And as I've pulled back the layers, and also too,
as I've learned more about history in general, it helped
me put my own father into contexts. You know, we
know that our dads went to war, right, nod went
to war? Yea, that is true? Romatic. Yeah, I'm so glad, Yes,
(46:43):
because you're right, right, my dad went from an orphanage
to war. Baby, My dad's my dad's father. His own
father passed when he was three, so you have a
situation where he went to war. My father also went
to prison man. Can I tell you my father little war,
but his experiences in the army were so traumatic that
(47:04):
he was good on it, like the things that I
saw brown men, I'm good on it. Yeah, So you know,
And I think about these men and the kind of
emotional I don't know, Wheelhouse, whatever we expect from them,
what the man say, we're with him? Where with the roll?
Where with the roll that we needed from them? But
(47:28):
that how can we really truly expect for them to
have delivered it? I don't know where my dad got
it from being born in nineteen thirty nine and then
the youngest of nine, I do not know. I don't know.
I don't know where he got his love from. That's
why I know he's a what you call that unicorn
in a way. So girl, and you know what, and
I hope that you're able to get a good deal
(47:51):
of his story so as you. I'm not old, Asia,
I'm working on receiving better in that way and not
being a daughter and just going yeah yah, yeah, I
heard that story already. I think we got to be
and it's bad ter you know, if you recorded, you
know what I mean, Just put your little phone down
and listen. To you if I to talk about stuff,
even though he said it a thousand times, because those stories,
(48:12):
my dad, those stories, yeah, oh jelly, I was. I
was in Kawai and they wanted me to sing a song.
And I've got this great picture of my father, all
young and his little in his little uh what I
was about to say, costume uniform. He had one song,
(48:32):
one song only, and he would sing it all night long.
I got a gal name Boni. As I say, go back,
I rode it all the time. And they, he said,
every time, they would chair and celebrate. So I say
it again. He said. I entertained everybody all night long,
(48:53):
and they would say good. I don't know. They might
have just been bored. I've heard. I'm gonna listen to
my daddy tell me this story one more time about
his Mamma yn't get him off the stage because the
kids were singing jumped down turn around Thingabella cotton um
jumped down turnaround Thingabella. Hey, oh, my son, that's not
(49:16):
my son. My son ain't about to do that that gee,
Grandma said, not my son, cool, get you, grandma, come home.
My dad loved jazz. He was addicted to jazz, and
my father is famous for he's a DC native sort
of that is famous for having said that he much
prefers King Pleasure's version of There I Go, There I Go.
(49:38):
No he he must yeah, yeah, yeah, he much. He
much prefers King Pleasure's version of Moody's Moved for Love.
I'm sorry, listen, I'm sorry DC people. Y'all gonna be
mad at my daddy, but don't be mad at him.
Should compare compare my dad saying, well, he was a
big jazz head, but my dad sang that song to
(50:01):
us as kids, so much pleasure, pleasure, that's the original
James Mooney, James Pleasure. Is that there? Yes, James with pleasure.
Oh yeah, Jio, that's the one right there. Yes, come
on playing Jill please? Oh doesn't me my daddy song?
(50:22):
Too real? Baby, you are the soul who snaps my control.
Such a funny thing. But every time you hear me,
I never and I wrapped up in your magic. There's
music all around me, great music music that you're calling
(50:43):
me so very close to you, churne me your slave,
come into with me and they little thing you want
to anything, Baby, Just let me get next to you.
Am high insane. Heaven in your eyes right it stars
(51:05):
that shine up skies? How worry about you? Just getting
in my life without you? Baby? Don't wonderful? Come on, ladies,
I'm really feeling in the move for love. Oh, ladies
(51:27):
and gentlemen, Thank you so much for listening. Saith dot
Elder Podcast Shout out to the fathers. Thank you, Ron
Saint Clair, Thank you, Ron Saint Clair, Thank you, Will German,
Thank you, Richard Burris Graden. Hi. If you have comments
(52:03):
on something we said in this episode, call eight six six.
Hey Jill, if you want to add to this conversation,
that's eight six six four three nine five four five five.
Don't forget to tell us your name and the episode
you're referring to. You might just hear your message on
a future episode. Thank you for listening to Jill Scott
(52:24):
Presents Jay dot il the Podcast. This podcast is hosted
by Jill Scott, Laia Saint Clair, and Aga Graden Danceler.
It's executive producers are Jill Scott, Sean Gee, and Brian Calhoun.
It's produced by la Saint Clair and me Eve Jeff Cope.
The editing and sound design for this episode, We're done
by Christina Lawnger. Guys, can you hear this? Windows open?
(52:52):
It's a little bit, a little It's not gonna make
you hot, though, because you know I don't want you
to start. You know, I don't have these problems right now.
I'm just warm because it's warm. Sure, sure, sure, sure sure.
J dot Ill is a production of iHeartRadio. For more
(53:15):
podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or
wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Welcome to J dot Ill, a production of iHeartRadio. What
up everybody? It's like EA and as you know, Jill
is on tour, and so it's Asia and Fantine. As
a matter of fact, everybody celebrating the anniversaries on tours,
so make sure you find them in your city, wherever
you are in the meanwhile, we got a show to do,
(00:24):
so we are all selecting our favorite episodes of jdi
ill thus far. Shout out to Amber. She did hers
last week and now is my turn. Wasn't easy. As
a matter of fact, I asked Amber, could we do
a top five? She said no, So now I had
to hurry up and force myself to pick my favorite. Now,
my favorite is one that incorporates to fellas. Because you
(00:45):
don't believe it or not, we got a couple of
not a couple, quite a few episodes of jdi ill
where we incorporate the fellas not just as guests, but
also as subject titles. So in this episode we talk
about our daddies, yep, the religationship between daddy's and daughters.
It's complicated and best believed between me, Jill and Aga.
(01:06):
That's what you got. But y'a also got something real
beautiful and kind of funny. Yeah, So take a listen
to Daddy's Love, one of my favorite episodes of jdi IL,
along with the Fronte episode, the Rory Ward Junior episode,
The White People Do. Okay, I'm gonna stop because before
ever catch me doing this, But y'all get what I'm saying.
Listen to a bunch of episodes of jdi ILL. Thank y'all. Okay,
(01:31):
like it's coming out of her clothes. Girl ain't got
no windows open, so I'm make no noise outside, so
I'm like, let me come out. I'm sorry, y'all. Y'all
gonna get pure sports for our you got to come
on out. Boot book release release. Oh. I felt that
my sister shoutouts is going through menopause, and it is fair.
(01:52):
You doin't have to do that. You ain't have to
do that. I knew. I'm just saying it's fascinating. I shouldn't.
I don't. I don't want it, but I don't want
to not want it. Yeah. I mean, like watching her
that that sweat start coming out to something. I'm amazed.
I'm like, wow, it's happening right now. It ain't fine
I don't think it's fine. It's funny either. Yeah. Yeah,
(02:14):
I'm not looking forward to it, but it's a it's
a reality, right, that's my point. Like, I can't dread
it either. We're right, We're got to talk to somebody
on the show about that some one day about how
to prepare for that, because it's it's kind. But it
seems like though I ain't even gonna lie to y'all,
Like the precursor is just like that, the that the
thing just gets super juicy for about five six, seven
(02:37):
years right before, so it's like and then you're super
dry and then it goes super dry. This is this
is what it seemed like. I don't know. I don't
want to say nothing because I'm experienced it. I buying
that with you and nothing right now and you fixed you.
(03:06):
Oh hallelujah. Oh yeah, what a good time. Oh that's wonderful.
This is not appropriate for where we're about to go,
is it. No, it's not appropriate at all. As you
can tell, we are definitely going to have a conversation
about menopause. I mean we just got to anyway. Today.
(03:30):
Welcome to Jay Dot Elder Podcast. It is me Jill
Scott and Aja Graydon dancler like Yah Saint clair Man. Yeah,
we're all here today. We are going to be talking
about what we learn from our fathers. Oh oh baby, Okay,
first of all, let's start here. Aga. You got a daddy, Well,
(03:51):
I have a daddy in the spirit. My dad has
passed away. He's been, you know, with the ancestors. Now
for oh girl, it's eight years almost nine actually, but yes,
that's a yes. That's an affirmative that you grew up
with the father. Yes, I did, I did, I did.
(04:12):
I grew up with the father. Layah Oh for show,
I grew up with a father and for show. He
has listened to his first episode of jed Ill because
he loved a good compliment. Yes, ma'am, for show and
for myself. Yes, I grew up with a father as well.
He wasn't in our house. But interestingly enough, my father
(04:36):
was my godfather for many years. What's in the Philly?
I'm sorry, what now you in the Philly? Yes, my
father was my godfather for many many years. I knew
he was my father because I looked just like him
and I made just like him. It's not even fair,
(04:57):
and I can't run. I can't run. It's my daddy,
then what you want? Yeah, but for grown up reasons.
He was my godfather for how long? From most of
my life till I think I hit about twenty three
twenty four, and then I was just like, what are
we doing? Like seriously, like what are we doing? Why?
(05:17):
Why are we acting like this elephant ain't in this room? Huh?
Because because he was there. What he was, he was
my godfather, so he was always around. I still want
to hear that conversation. So you had the conversation in
your twenties like let's stop playing this game, let's stop
playing these games. And he was like yeah, okay. And
I my sister who was my god sister. I was like,
(05:38):
I'm your biological sister at her wedding in the guard
and she was like yeah okay, and we just moved
on from there. That was pretty much the gist of
the conversation. And then years later I must have been
about forty maybe forty, and I was like, Daddy, let's
(05:58):
just take this blood test. My mother, of course, was
like she you ain't. Guys like, no, blind tis, I'll
tell you I know what I know. Doubt doubt me
if you walk to I'll show you, and I was like, okay,
let's just let's just do it was nine point nine
nine nine nine nine that I was like, okay, got it,
(06:21):
got it. Yeah. So our dad's our dads, Yeah, what
did we learn from our dad's so much? Well, my
dad was married five times and he picked right the
last one. But I watched him make financial choices. Um,
(06:44):
he was like, how much you got? You got seven dollars,
I got seven dollars, we got fourteen dollars, let's go.
My dad was an orphan, so his thought process was
to build. I don't know if it was necessarily to love.
So he got married four five times and divorced four. Yeah.
(07:07):
So one of the things that I would say that
I learned is that I don't I don't have to
be unhappy. Yeah, I mean, I don't. I don't have
to do that. I don't have to you know, I
understand people who want to stay married forever, but I
ain't gonna be miserable. Yeah, I mean, just because it's
a vow. Yeah, just I'm not. I mean, it's a
(07:29):
it's a big deal. Anybody would prefer to get married
and stay married. I want to have that union and
that partnership and that friendship and that hopefully passionate lover,
you know, for a lifetime. But you know, I've learned
that there's a way out. And every time my dad
lost the house, yep, every time, and he'd start all
(07:53):
over from the beginning, and he would just let them,
you know, take whatever they wanted and he would move on.
M you know, yeah, I learned that, you know, let
them take whatever they wanted, and he moved on, and
he moved on. I'm just saying that what I got
out of that is one that I don't have to
(08:15):
stay in a bad situation, and two not to make
choices about marriage just financially. M Okay, yeah, Okay. It's funny.
I always feel strange talking about my relationship with my
father because I'm in a I feel like, I don't
(08:36):
know why. I feel like I'm in a small collective
of people who had like just amazing daddy love and
even in a home that was like divorce. My parents
got divorced when I was six years old, but me
and my daddy been best friends since I came out
the womb. And he sat there and talked to me
about my life and what was going to happen, and
(08:58):
the joy that I brought into his life. My dad
taught me about joy and the differences between joy and happiness,
and I oftentimes feel very guilty talking about his love
because I I don't have an equal, like bad story
to tell outside of the fact that I grew up
with an artist. My daddy is a drummer. He's a photographer,
so he didn't always have the money. My mom was
(09:18):
a flight attendant. She had a job that came with
a pension and things like that. And although he wasn't
always able to provide for me, and some of those
Christmases were like bags of thrift store clothes, like the
love that my dad expressed to me and showed me
at times, I tell him that he has given me
so much love that he has made it hard for
(09:39):
the men in my life because I'm like, I have
a standard. I know how I want to be loved,
and I know it's as possible even though my daddy
is a man, So the love that he has for
me as a daughter, I'm sure the women in his
life would be like because I too have had a
father who has been married a couple of times. You know,
(10:00):
he is an artist, a New York artist. Okay, so
he was, but he also is eighty. He's gonna hear
that I say this. He eighty one, but he looked
every day at fifty five, so that you know what
I'm saying, right. But as far as like the arts,
(10:21):
jazz music, my dad came up with Michael Peters and Debbie.
It's just it's so many things and arts and culture
and things that my father has brought into my life
that I'm so grateful for, even though we argue almost
every other day. And that's fine too, because he's getting older.
He don't want to hear about my womanly problems, my
physical babe, just talk about anything but that period. But yeah,
(10:45):
it's that it's always interested to talk about Ron Saint
Clair because, like I said, he you know, he was there.
He was there. The money wasn't always there, but Ron
will show up. So oh, I love that, and and
I'm sorry that you that you have to cherry that
or feel like you can't talk about that, because it's
(11:07):
so needed for us to know that there are men
out there from multiple generations that have shown up for
their families and really like loving on their daughters and
as black women, that we have black women out here
whose fathers were loving them thoroughly and beautifully, you know
what I mean, Like it hurts me that there's energy
(11:27):
where you feel like you have to hold back that
story because girl, I want to hear that story again
and again and again and again and again. That makes me,
That makes me thrilled, you know. But it's hard to
watch your girlfriend women sometimes who don't have that in
their lives, and you see it and you see that
they didn't have like a foundation of that, and that's
all they needed to not go through that issue that
(11:48):
they went through, you know what I mean, not understand
that that man wasn't good enough for them. So it's
just it's interesting because I know it shouldn't be hard,
but it's. Yes, it's like, yeah, I grew with some
daddy love and I our guilt. Girl. No, girl, let's
let's ditch it. Let us let us take all of
your guilt and put it in a ten can and
(12:10):
set it a blaze and let it go up into
the atmosphere. Because I'm gonna tell you something, that story
we need that story to heal. Yeah, we need to
that's a that's a crown, and yes it's a crown. Yea.
I don't know. This man called me. He'd be like, baby,
if I miss your call, it's like missing a season.
(12:30):
Oh my god, oh my god. Yeah, okay, okay, So
your father has set the standard for what you require
in this life, for what you're in this life. And
because of that, now all you have to do, my friend,
is to call it. Call it, but you don't look.
(12:53):
Call for it the specifics of what you want in
your life as a partner. You know what it looks like. Yeah,
be as specific as possible. Call it and don't look
out the window, don't pay the floors, enjoy every moment
of your existence, but know that it is coming. That
(13:14):
is not myth. That's the laws of attraction. That's what says. Yeah,
he's like, that is all you have to do. And
so many of us, you know, young women, black women particularly,
we didn't see our fathers loving us like that. You know,
we didn't get a chance to watch. You know, if
(13:34):
you had a mother and father together, you didn't get
a chance to see them making out or dancing together,
or you know, having an argument and fixing it. And
we're learning with a disadvantage in so many ways. But
I got some odd stuff going on over here. Because
Kareem and Ron are like you know, they check on
each other. I make sure like they're friends, my family,
(13:55):
my parents. They're the best divorced couple you will ever meet.
He spends the night when I come to visit, like
and that's not a problem. He got a room. You
just stay in Grandmammy room. You know, it's beautiful. It is.
I think that is amazing, like I said, and I
feel like we need to make sure that there's room
for you to tell this story because this is also
something that for women who do not have this to
(14:18):
I don't want to say live vicariously, but to see
a thing exists, you can also hold some ownership to
it as well. Because there's gonna be a young woman
who's gonna listen to this episode and she's going to
remember that missing a call from me was like missing
a season. She's going to remember that she's going to
to to store that away as a standard, to store
(14:39):
that away as a standard for not only how love
should feel, but how you should give it. All these
things I mean, honestly, to me, that's everything. I mean,
it's value. It's it's such a value, place such value,
or you are like, oh I love it, so yeah,
it's it's a beautiful thing. I really want to make
(15:03):
sure that we have ample space for Ron Saint Clair
in this in this moment, I want us to go, Lord,
he gonna flip. Lord, he's gonna flip baby, let's say
the name. Shoot yeah, because he don't be sad. I
get overwhelmed by his love and I sometimes I'm like,
I don't know how to even get that back, Daddy,
(15:24):
after you said, what do I just when you tell
me what I brought to your life, receive it, receive it,
Receive it and know that you're worthy of it. Receive
it and know you're worthy of it. We'll be back
after the break. My situation my dad is so complicated
(15:52):
because I mean I was deeply loved, do you know
what I mean? Like, my dad and I had a
very interesting relationship. My stepbrother said this to me one time.
He was like, you know, you know you was Daddy's
hip And that's set with me for a long time.
Because my situation with my father. He was a complicated guy,
(16:14):
and so there were times in which he was very
absent in my life, and then there were times when
he was very very present in my life. He was
good with the love part, definitely good with the love part,
not so good with the support part. Wasn't really a
good husband to my mother nor to his wife prior
(16:34):
to my mother, and wasn't really a present and good
father for my other siblings before I was born. And
so it just became a very complicated thing about my
dad and my relationship with my father because even with
some of my siblings, we just had very different interactions
with him, and so having to reconcile the way is
(16:56):
that he wasn't able to show up for them just
was really really weird, odd for me. So I guess
I can understand how Lie is her old guilt, which
she no longer is carrying, but her old guilt, you know,
for having that kind of relationship with her dad that
was so loving, and you having a kind of, you know,
a guilt as well. A complicated situation because your siblings
(17:19):
didn't receive the kind of love that you absolutely And
let me tell you something, I got very close with
my sister and it affected my relationship with my father
because I have like dude, like I can't look at
you the same. I knew that things was odd with
the two of you, but but it caused me the
(17:40):
second guess and look at him differently. And I always
say to my and I have another sister, So gosh,
my situation is so black and messy, messy. I don't
want to I do not want to claim that just
for black people, because right, So, Okay, my mother has
(18:04):
two children. Okay, my sister and I have different fathers. Okay,
but my mother married my dad, and my dad kind
of adopted my sister. So my sister has two dads.
She's had her biological father and my father. Okay, but
all of that's interesting until you adding to the fact
(18:26):
that my father had three children before I was ever born,
and so he was living in the household with me
and my sister, who was not his biological child in
many ways, raising her at the time that my parents
were together, when he wasn't involved with his other children's lives. Oh,
(18:48):
so this is it gets very very messy. They don't
about you, though, No, No, I'm his prize that that
because you know, I got cousins right now. They don't
like my ass because I grew up in Grandmam house,
like I had something to do with it, like I
(19:09):
chose where I lived, or you know, like they're still
annoyed by my very presence because I listen. I'm sure
that there were complicated feelings, particularly when I'm very close
to one of my sisters, And I'm sure that I
know that there were complicated feelings when she was younger.
(19:31):
Obviously you know all of those things. But we're so
close now that is yeah, all of that is whatever
whatever water the bridge and water under the bridge and
just so layered and so were all working through our stuff.
In terms of what I learned from my dad, my
dad has been a person who always made me feel
(19:51):
like I just was the dopest person in the room,
like he just was, Like I never questioned that because
he always feel like I was fun, like I was smart,
He was always listening, you know what I'm saying, And
so I always felt like, yeah, like my daddy think
I'm special. Fuck y'all right, you know what I mean.
(20:11):
I just always felt like, Okay, I'm good to go.
But I also learned from my dad that that whole
thing that Mina Angelus says about what you said and
what you did, but people will never forget the way
you make them feel. I've had to reconcile that my
dad showed up in ways that were not good for
(20:35):
other people, and how they felt was important, and I
had to learn how to separate that from myself. That's
hard because that's my blood. And so I've had to
reconcile who this person was as my father and what
does that mean about who I am? And I learned
from my dad that yeah, you can be funny and charming,
(20:56):
and you can be all these different things, but you
got to be aware of how people will feel, and
you have to show up as the person that you
say that you are. You just have to do that
because it affects people for a very very long time.
You know. It's funny. Care care Gains and I were
just we're just having this conversation a moment ago, and
(21:19):
we were talking about fame and how challenging it could
be because you know, you know my position. I'm still
like listening. We all people don't put nobody on a pedestal.
They're gonna fall off just the way it is, because
everybody's people anyway. Um, I was saying that the tough
part is that you might catch somebody. Somebody might catch
(21:40):
me on a bad day, at a literal bad day.
You know, something in my family, something in my body,
something just something that's heavy to me. And I've learned
now to say something like, listen, I'm not in a
good place today. Says I'm just I'm not in a
good place today. Because you're right, what they remember is
(22:03):
how they felt. So you know, they walk away with this, well,
she was so nasty, she was mean, she she was
just that and the other. Instead of that, I'm like, okay, look,
let me just be up front and say what it is.
But you're absolutely right, you know, it's how people make
you feel. And with my dad, I was short. I
was in school, I was at Temple, and I was
(22:24):
short eight hundred dollars. And I tried to figure out how,
just because I was trying to get through the semester,
how I was gonna get this eight hundred dollars. I
don't know. So I called my dad and I said, Dad,
can I borrow you know, trying to be a big girl,
can I borrow eight hundred dollars? He said, yes, Jilly,
I'll bring it to you. So he shows up gives
(22:45):
me the eight hundred dollars. I paid my tuition, and
I you know, I made it a point to get
that money, to get that money and put some aside,
put some aside so that when I gave it back
to him, it would be the whole eight hundred dollars. Now,
where by the time I got the whole eight hundred dollars,
I literally had maybe seventeen dollars to my name. So
(23:07):
I was like, Okay, my dad is gonna be proud
of me. He's going to he's going to say, oh, oh,
thank you, Jilly, and then he's gonna give me it back,
or he's gonna give me some back, you know, just
because I did my I did. I did what I
was supposed to do. And I'm his daughter, right you know.
You know I'm huffing and puffing through school. Two jobs
(23:33):
money daddy. Yeah, I thought that he was gonna give
me at least some of the day he took that
ship and put it in his pocket, and we continued today,
and I was like, Okay, at any time he's gonna
go now and if he's gonna give me something back,
you know, at least one hundred dollars at least one
(23:53):
hundred dollars that that man kissed me goodbye and went
on about his business. I was is a so mad?
I was so mad? H. I internalized that thing, and
at that point I was like, I will never in
my life need a man for money again. You used
(24:14):
to borrow or how you mad? You used to be
word you used to be worth the L word, which
was loan? Don't you should I have? If only you
should have? I played myself. I played myself, but it
did give me a valuable lesson. I decided I would
never in my life again have to borrow or get
(24:37):
a loan from a man again in my life somebody
like somebody that's in my life like a boyfriend. So yeah, yeah,
you know, while other people are looking at you know,
I'm supposed to date a successful actor or a successful
singer or a successful something, I do not think about
money at all because from him I from me right
(25:01):
and now with the state of pre nups and agree,
we ain't gonna take nothing from me, even motherfucker get
out of here with the mike. Ain't never had no money, girl,
So that's whatever. I wasn't never gonna borrow ship from
my dad. But like I said, my dad was big fun.
(25:21):
Now this is one thing and I and then I
was sitting here thinking, I was like, oh shoot, I
didn't think of this new enough. As a parent. I'm
fun and I got that from my parents. Both my
parents were being fun people to be around. But my
dad was big fun. Yes, oh girl, yes, Like my
dad would take me ice skating, but he couldn't really
(25:43):
do it that well. But he would skate top speed,
girl to speed. And he had this brown coat and
he would fall on the ice and all the white
from the from the ice would get all over his car.
And it was just embarrassing to me, Like we didn't care.
(26:08):
When when it was snow. He would break open the
um cardboard box because we didn't have no money so
we had no carboar a cardboard box. He break up
in the cardboard box. Girl, you would think he's doing
this for us. No, no, ma'am. She's going down the
hill first, head first, running start. I didn't start, you
Know's what I'm saying. Asian, did y'all ever do the
(26:29):
paddle boating on the base and you and your dad yo,
Me and my daddy had all the time paddle boat
y'all listen, I mean just fun, just goofy, goofy, goofy,
and fun sing was sing with me, dance with me,
all those different things, very very because mamma was straight
and Daddy was the fun one, right, Dad was a
fun one. But in my household, honestly, I won't even lie,
(26:51):
my mother was really fun too. God let me go on, Asian,
hold on, hold on, because she might be growing. Let
me just say this, mommy, I didn't mean that you
were straight. I just saying you was more strict and
I had so much fun. And thank you for taking
me around the world. Yes, face the thing though about
(27:12):
that for me again, it's just like I said, complicated
my dad. God made it hard for me when I
became an adult and I had to have boundaries with
my father because I was in love with him. You
understand why I'm saying boundaries because he was messy, he
was a drug addict, He was a liar sometimes. And
(27:35):
you know you talk about borrowing money, my dad would
borrow money from me. My dad would borrow money from
other people. Like I'm saying all this to say, and
you know me, God rest his soul, But I gotta
be honest about who he was. And it was hard
for me because right, you know, and when I got older,
I felt like I'm mature. I'm not a baby anymore,
(27:55):
so not to deal with you like an adult. I
can't just let you get away with it because you're
my daddy, and because I love you and he laugh,
and because you're cute, because you're handsome, and everybody think
you're handsome and they say I look like you, so
I must I must be handsome, you know, and you know,
and all of the ways that I was so attached
(28:17):
to him, and it was painful because it was like
the daddy that I love, I gotta let him die
to deal with the reality of the dad that the
people don't love and that he is. And so that
began my adult relationship with my father, which was so
off off on, so much so that two years before
(28:40):
my dad passed away for two years I didn't speak
to him. I had an unfortunate incident with him involving
my older sister, and I just decided that I was
no longer going to be communicating with him anymore. And
my husband warned me against this. He said, listen, I
(29:01):
have a complicated thing too. I gotta complicated daddy's story too.
He was like, but you care about that relationship, and
now you in here lying to yourself about how much
you care about it. And he was like, if something
happens to your dad, you're gonna be devastated. And I
was like, no, I'm right, I'm correct, and I was correct.
(29:26):
This is where it gets tough with parents. I was
right about what I was upset about, but how I
chose to handle it, it isolated our relationship worse than
it had ever been my whole life. I'd never gone
my birthday not talking to my dad. I'd never gone
(29:47):
holiday seasons and thinks without speaking to my father. And
I didn't talk to him for two years straight. And
I gotta call literally right after my birthday. We had
not spoken. This was the third cycle of birthday going
through the unspell. Got a call and it was like
(30:08):
he'd been diagnosed with cancer. And I drove down to
see him, and oddly enough, my mother was with me.
My mother was in Philly at the time, and she
drove with me and we went down there. And I
hadn't laid eyes on my father in two and a
half years, and so when I went down there. I
walked into the room and he was in bed and
he looked sick, and I walked in there and the
(30:30):
two of us just cried, probably for about the first
thirty minutes that I was there, and I just laid
in the bed with him and we just cried and
cried and cried. I don't say nothing else to each other.
We just cried. And it was a pain of the mistakes.
It was the pain of the non consistent nature of
(30:54):
who he was in my life. It was all the
unsaid things, all of the stuff, and we just cried
that shit out. And then eight months later he died.
And I'm grateful that I had that eight months because
it was pancreatic cancer and that can be really, really aggressive.
So I'm grateful for the eight months. In that eight months,
I feel like I made as much closure as I
(31:16):
could have, and I was okay, and I was with
him the day that he passed, you know. So I'm
grateful to have had that moment. But I always think
about my dad, my relationship with him, and I'm still
learning things about that relationship. And what I learned from
that whole journey was that a person is a lot
of things, and now we just a lot of things.
(31:39):
A person is a lot of things. You cannot compartmentalize
a human being. You know. We've been talking about this
when we talked about our mothers, you know, and and
humanizing our mothers when we had that conversation. You know,
it's the same thing with our fathers. Yeah, my dad's
is a kind of guy who would who would yell
hey baby out the window, and then he would turn
(32:00):
to me and say, oh, that's your cousin. And I
realized that not every woman. It took me a long time,
but it took me, you know, to realize that not
every woman that he was yelling, hey baby was family.
You know, we're gonna take a quick break and then
we'll be right back. He was, I say, was, And
(32:33):
it's not fair. But my dad has dementia and he's
at the state where the majority of the time he sleeps,
you know. Um he I had a moment. Fucked me up,
and they fucked me up, no other words for it.
(32:56):
I went to go see him, and my dad flirted
with me. He thought I was my mom and patted
my ass. Shit. No, I left out of there with
this strange sound in my spirit. It was a strange sound,
(33:19):
and I didn't know what to do. But but just
like bees, weirded out and crying, and I had to,
you know, realize, my dad doesn't he don't know who
I am. Yeah, he has no idea whatsoever. If he
don't see you every day, he really really ain't gonna yeah,
you know, And that was hard. And then before he
(33:43):
had to go to a home. My dad as an
ex police officer, retired police officer, and he had gotten
to a point where he couldn't stay at home anymore
because sometimes he didn't know who his wife was. Yeah,
and if she went room and startled him, you know,
he very well could hurt her or you know, worse.
(34:06):
So he was put into a home and it's just, honestly,
it's just been downhill from there. The before that though,
this was the one that got me too. He had
been diagnosed. I could tell because he had visited me
in California for famis. That's our Christmas time he visited
(34:30):
for famists and he was driving and it was so reckless.
It was so scary that when I got back to
my family, I was like, Daddy can never drive again,
Like he could never drive again, and I knew it
was you know, it was progressing. The dementia was progressing.
The next day, they were leaving, my sister and my
(34:51):
brother in law and my nephews were leaving and I
was standing next to my dad and he pushed me.
He pushed me like a stranger. He pushed me out
of the way to hug my sister. Go about oh
hard though, like real hard, like I almost get the
(35:13):
fuck out the way. Yeah, it was that. And there
again I was just like, Okay, he doesn't know who.
You know, he didn't know you at that moment, you know,
at that one moment he didn't know And I, oh,
I was. I went through the whole thing, like that's
how he really feels about me. I know, but I did,
(35:34):
but as dementia, but I did. I did. I went
through the whole thing, and I was like, that's how
my dad really feels about me. You know, it's like
when somebody's drunk. But that ain't it, ain't it? You know,
truth say you know what. I definitely did that And
that was a lot. So, you know, him pushing me
(35:55):
was one thing, and then him going into the home
and flirting that was something else. Like it was like
tearing the relationship that I had, you know, with my
father apart. Just dementia just was destroying it. Yeah, so
it made it really challenging for me to go and visit,
(36:16):
very hard. And you know, I have to say that
the staff where he was, they didn't help much, you know,
because I'm really there to visit my father, and they
will come in on our meetings and you know, I
want to talk about something, you know that I really
I don't even have the headspace. I'm looking at my
(36:36):
father who can't say words anymore. I'm looking at my
dad who just groans, you know. And you know that
was that was another challenging portion. But the last time
I went to visit him, there was nobody yet that
I knew in there. Yeah he was he was, he
(36:58):
was gone. He's gone. So you're working on cherishing what
you knew, the man that you knew. How do you
take care of yourself in that way? And I just, oh,
I grieve him, Yeah, yeah, I grieve him, even though
(37:19):
his body is still alive. And you know, I just
grieve him. And my stepmother, you know, God bless her.
She definitely, you know, makes it a point to always
visit and to you know, to talk about him, and
you know, she goes there and before COVID and she's
watching a football game. She put a hat on him,
(37:40):
you know, Eagles hand and stuff. And after a while
I had to ask her to please stop, just stop
sending me pictures because he don't ain't in there, He
doesn't look like he's in there. He doesn't seem aware
of his surroundings or what he's doing in any way,
shape or form. It was just painful. She's she's dealing
(38:01):
with it, but I'm asking her not to make me
deal with are dealing with it, because I can't take
it right. I can't take it. I find it, you know.
But you know, it's like when people put clothes on dogs.
You know that dog don't want that. Damn the boots on,
(38:22):
you know, like that's just the only thing I could
think of it, the boament. But just just yeah, I
understand what you mean. So the last time that I went,
and I know that it's the last time that I'm going,
but I send representatives just to see, you know, how
he is and how his room smells and all of
(38:43):
those things. And the last time that I went, and
he just was not in there and at all. I
rubbed his hand and I smelled him. I used to
I love the hair on his hand and on his
on his arm. I love that hair. I could just
rub it and rub it. And I rubbed the hair
and I talked to him and I told him, you know,
(39:03):
all the places that I forgive him, you know, and
that I hope that he would forgive me too. And
you know, I let jet see me more in my father,
in front of my father, because because he's my son
and that's his grandfather, and I needed him to know
that I love my dad. I needed him to know that,
(39:26):
you know, even though you know, he's not himself anymore,
and he's in this place that he needs because it's
he's heavy, like you know, just trying to take it.
It's a lot, and he needs twenty four hour care,
you know, and consideration. So I cry real hard, and
(39:49):
I mean, whoa, Okay, the whole game and all the snots,
all the tears, all of it. I kissed my father
all over and I asked him to you know, relinquish, yeah,
to to let go, because the only thing is it's
(40:09):
his body, you know, just just go. So as selfish
as that may seem to some people. I actually it wasn't.
I was really as you were talking to Jail, I
was like, damn, he's still here. So in a way,
I guess you feel like you can't even speak to
his spirit because he's still here. But when he's when
(40:29):
he's not here, you will have his spirit, you'll have
access to it, and then you just feel so I'm
just say it did not. It's a it's a it's
a limbo kind of feeling. Yes, yeah, yeah, it's like
I feel so sorry, Like I feel like he's trapped, right, Yeah, yeah,
he's just trapped. It makes perfect sense. Oh boy, I
(40:51):
mean it makes sense when when the week that my
father transition, let me let me just say this last
thank you age. I walked out of there with Jet
and I cried some more, and a white butterfly landed
on me and stayed for a while and flew away,
(41:13):
and I laughed. I was like, okay, daddy, okay, like
you know, just you know, those moments matter, those moments mattered,
and that the fact that the butterfly landed on me
and stayed. I was like, thank you, dad, you know
that we I just felt like we've made our piece,
(41:37):
you know, whatever piece that we needed because, like I said,
I was his god daughter for a long time, and
he rode with that. I know that I wouldn't you
know what I'm saying, Like, I wouldn't. I wouldn't ride
with that. There's no way that I wouldn't be like,
wait a minute, hold up, this is my baby, you know,
(41:57):
So that whole not being clean thing, despite when anybody
else is trying to say, um, fuck with me, did
you have that conversation with him? Ever? Yes, yes we did.
We had that conversation. We had to And why say
that he did the thing that you you know you
would have never dined. Well, it's a tough situation because
(42:19):
this is my mother's story, that's right. So I just okay,
never mind, sorry, miss Joy, And I'm not trying to
get you into the trouble I've been in. So I'm
just it's her story to tell it is. But nonetheless,
they had an understanding, in an agreement they proceeded in
life with that. He was not privy to that understanding
(42:40):
and agreement. All I knew is that my sister, you know,
was getting all of the daddy and I was getting
guyfather vibes, you know, shout out to the guyfathers. Nonetheless,
you know, so that that was a that was a thing.
(43:00):
And I'm still you see me, I'm still over here
clutching my pearls because you know, he's still he's trapped
in there. I just feel like he's checked or is
he You saw the butterfly the body, Yeah, you know,
maybe he's only you know what I mean. We can't
(43:21):
pretend to know the spear, can't. We can't. We don't
know it. We don't know it, you know what I'm saying.
We can only put our intentions out there. And you did.
You did you put your intentions out there and the
spirit communicated with you in the ways that was familiar
to you. Yeah. Yeah. I mean when I talk to
(43:41):
guys y'all, at this point, I'm like, listen, you know me,
make a real plain, make a real plain and simple
for me, because you know, when it's too convoluted, I
go into myself and I start thinking my own thoughts
and things. Just make it real, real simple, you know,
please for me, Thank you kindly. Yeah. And I felt
like that was confirmation for me. That's what I needed.
(44:04):
That my dad said, okay, baby, more conversation after this break.
I think of these men and what they know of
a love and parenting and as black men from a
(44:29):
certain age group and a time period. And not saying
that this is not to excuse anything that was done
to anyone, right, but just how much of these things
are they really capable of, you know, just in terms
of just all of the all the things that they
(44:50):
have to grapple with and what they just didn't understand
and know you were talking about talking to Kiera earlier,
and he's such a part of a newer generation of
black fathers, husband and husbands and fathers, but particularly fathers
because and he has a little girl, which is you
know right, And it's like, you know, they have, oh
a skill set in a language, a vocabulary and emotional vocabulary,
(45:15):
a life vocabulary that is different than what our days.
It's no, they have it, and they wouldn't have it
if not for what our dads went through too. And
that's the thing. So I remember when during my dad's
eight months, we talked about a lot of things and
(45:36):
he told me something that he had never told me before.
He said, I worried if my daughters would find good
men ship. He said, I wondered. I worried if they would.
He said, Fatine has mastered something that I never could.
He said, he understands how to hustle with his family
(45:56):
and toe. That's beautiful. He said, I didn't know how
to do both. I would have bawled. And he said
that I'm so grateful that you found someone that understood
the things that I wasn't able to teach you about,
but he didn't have the resources to do it. Also, like,
and I'm saying that he did a lot, but he
did didn't have any It's just so different, different times.
(46:20):
It's just so interesting. So of course, yes, you're right.
And as I've pulled back the layers, and also too,
as I've learned more about history in general, it helped
me put my own father into contexts. You know, we
know that our dads went to war, right, nod went
to war? Yea, that is true? Romatic. Yeah, I'm so glad, Yes,
(46:43):
because you're right, right, my dad went from an orphanage
to war. Baby, My dad's my dad's father. His own
father passed when he was three, so you have a
situation where he went to war. My father also went
to prison man. Can I tell you my father little war,
but his experiences in the army were so traumatic that
(47:04):
he was good on it, like the things that I
saw brown men, I'm good on it. Yeah, So you know,
And I think about these men and the kind of
emotional I don't know, Wheelhouse, whatever we expect from them,
what the man say, we're with him? Where with the roll?
Where with the roll that we needed from them? But
(47:28):
that how can we really truly expect for them to
have delivered it? I don't know where my dad got
it from being born in nineteen thirty nine and then
the youngest of nine, I do not know. I don't know.
I don't know where he got his love from. That's
why I know he's a what you call that unicorn
in a way. So girl, and you know what, and
I hope that you're able to get a good deal
(47:51):
of his story so as you. I'm not old, Asia,
I'm working on receiving better in that way and not
being a daughter and just going yeah yah, yeah, I
heard that story already. I think we got to be
and it's bad ter you know, if you recorded, you
know what I mean, Just put your little phone down
and listen. To you if I to talk about stuff,
even though he said it a thousand times, because those stories,
(48:12):
my dad, those stories, yeah, oh jelly, I was. I
was in Kawai and they wanted me to sing a song.
And I've got this great picture of my father, all
young and his little in his little uh what I
was about to say, costume uniform. He had one song,
(48:32):
one song only, and he would sing it all night long.
I got a gal name Boni. As I say, go back,
I rode it all the time. And they, he said,
every time, they would chair and celebrate. So I say
it again. He said. I entertained everybody all night long,
(48:53):
and they would say good. I don't know. They might
have just been bored. I've heard. I'm gonna listen to
my daddy tell me this story one more time about
his Mamma yn't get him off the stage because the
kids were singing jumped down turn around Thingabella cotton um
jumped down turnaround Thingabella. Hey, oh, my son, that's not
(49:16):
my son. My son ain't about to do that that gee,
Grandma said, not my son, cool, get you, grandma, come home.
My dad loved jazz. He was addicted to jazz, and
my father is famous for he's a DC native sort
of that is famous for having said that he much
prefers King Pleasure's version of There I Go, There I Go.
(49:38):
No he he must yeah, yeah, yeah, he much. He
much prefers King Pleasure's version of Moody's Moved for Love.
I'm sorry, listen, I'm sorry DC people. Y'all gonna be
mad at my daddy, but don't be mad at him.
Should compare compare my dad saying, well, he was a
big jazz head, but my dad sang that song to
(50:01):
us as kids, so much pleasure, pleasure, that's the original
James Mooney, James Pleasure. Is that there? Yes, James with pleasure.
Oh yeah, Jio, that's the one right there. Yes, come
on playing Jill please? Oh doesn't me my daddy song?
(50:22):
Too real? Baby, you are the soul who snaps my control.
Such a funny thing. But every time you hear me,
I never and I wrapped up in your magic. There's
music all around me, great music music that you're calling
(50:43):
me so very close to you, churne me your slave,
come into with me and they little thing you want
to anything, Baby, Just let me get next to you.
Am high insane. Heaven in your eyes right it stars
(51:05):
that shine up skies? How worry about you? Just getting
in my life without you? Baby? Don't wonderful? Come on, ladies,
I'm really feeling in the move for love. Oh, ladies
(51:27):
and gentlemen, Thank you so much for listening. Saith dot
Elder Podcast Shout out to the fathers. Thank you, Ron
Saint Clair, Thank you, Ron Saint Clair, Thank you, Will German,
Thank you, Richard Burris Graden. Hi. If you have comments
(52:03):
on something we said in this episode, call eight six six.
Hey Jill, if you want to add to this conversation,
that's eight six six four three nine five four five five.
Don't forget to tell us your name and the episode
you're referring to. You might just hear your message on
a future episode. Thank you for listening to Jill Scott
(52:24):
Presents Jay dot il the Podcast. This podcast is hosted
by Jill Scott, Laia Saint Clair, and Aga Graden Danceler.
It's executive producers are Jill Scott, Sean Gee, and Brian Calhoun.
It's produced by la Saint Clair and me Eve Jeff Cope.
The editing and sound design for this episode, We're done
by Christina Lawnger. Guys, can you hear this? Windows open?
(52:52):
It's a little bit, a little It's not gonna make
you hot, though, because you know I don't want you
to start. You know, I don't have these problems right now.
I'm just warm because it's warm. Sure, sure, sure, sure sure.
J dot Ill is a production of iHeartRadio. For more
(53:15):
podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or
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