February 25, 2025 • 30 mins
We listen back to good advice from Greta Tufvesson, professional matchmaker. She talks about not wasting time, avoiding the rebound, and more!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:12):
Today, we're speaking with Greta from the Bevy and Elite
matchmaking service based in LA and New York City.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Hi Bethany, how are you?
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Nice to meet you?
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Nice to meet you. Let me just expand my screen
here so I can see you. You looked nice and
rested from your vacation.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
Oh, thank you, thank you. So you have a partner
and you're matchmakers? Right?
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Correct?
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Okay, how long have you been doing this?
Speaker 2 (00:36):
I've been doing this for almost fourteen years now.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
And the business is called what the Bevy?
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Right? The Bevy?
Speaker 1 (00:44):
The Bevy? Okay, what does that mean? Where did that
come from?
Speaker 2 (00:47):
The name came from. I wanted to create a name
that wasn't so sort of cupids and coffee and clouds
and all those things. I wanted something a little edgy
or a little bit more modern, and also sort of
the idea of a house or a club, even though
we don't do anything social, so just a group similar
to you know, private clubs or something like that. So
(01:09):
BEV means like a bevy of beauty's. That's really where
it's domning from.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
Okay, And from my perspective, it seems like your business
is more niche and more like Barney's than commercial, Like
it doesn't feel like if I were to Google matchmaking
or high end matchmaking or something like that, I don't
know that your name would come up, not unlike what
you're saying, like a private club. So is there different
(01:35):
to the brand? Are you smaller? Do you have small
fewer clients? Do you charge more? Like? And I know
that your business you represent the men. The men are
the client the paying clients.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
Right, correct?
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Yes, okay, So what about my estimation or how I
see it? Is that correct or? Now?
Speaker 2 (01:52):
I think that's a pretty perfect analogy. I always say
we're boutique shopping versus department store shopping. So I would
go even on a more on a smaller scale than Barney's.
I would say, it's like even more exclusive. But Barneys
is a good example.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
Sure, And so how many people are you servicing at
the same time? Is that how it works? Like you'd say,
we won't take more than this, and we charge more
because we're giving them, you know, more of us private
school service versus public like more attention per client.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
I think you know, we're very high touch service. And
just like when you're shopping in a boutique, you want
to know the people that you're working with, and then
they get to know your taste, and it becomes this
personal connection and sort of a service where you feel
like or even at a restaurant, when you know the
waiter or the hostess or the barb attend there's this
like sense of comfort, and we wanted people to have
(02:46):
that feeling. So we do limit our clients. We work
for them men. We take up to about twenty five
clients at once, so it's very low volume but very
high touch.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Okay, so you're really curating this experience and how we
can get into why that would make you an expert?
What's the target audience that your client is? Like, the
man is what age to what age? What's the youngest really?
I mean, you might have someone in their twenties, but
what's really the range.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
I would say, you know, sure, we've had clients in
their twenties, but I'd say it starts around thirty five.
We do have some like young successful men recently that
have had a lot of success at a younger age,
but I'd say on average, it's about between thirty five
and fifty five. And now actually it really varies. It's
gone up into the sixties and seventies recently, and then
(03:37):
there are other times where we see there's still lot
of younger men. We try to fill the gaps, and
you know, have a good variety of men because obviously
we want to service them and give them, you know, consistency.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
And if you have seven fifty five year olds, they
are all competing with each other. With the women, you're
going to find correct. Okay, So, like let's say what
sweet spot is, like forty eight, fifty two, like fifty
that's like what? Because I would imagine someone has to
have disposable income, they made some money.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
Right, I would say yeah. I would say on the
older half it's probably mid fifties and on the younger
half it's late thirties, early forties.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
Okay, So what are you finding that is a really
common thread that men want? What do men want?
Speaker 2 (04:20):
I would say a good sense of self. So a
woman who knows who she is, who's independent, meaning that
she has her own friends, she has her own goals,
she has their own passions. You know, I think they
want intellectual stimulation, and I think the good sense of
self is super important understanding who they are, what they want,
(04:42):
what they like, what they don't like. I think it
also depends on the stage of dating, so I could
break it into two parts. It's the people who are
just starting and want to build a family and do
all that, and then there's the people starting their second
or third chapter where they're with kids, and it's it's
a totally different ballgame kind of because you know, maybe
(05:05):
religion or you know, trying to start a family, that's
not as important in that second chapter of life because
you've already done it right in both stages, I think
a good sense of self is important and not to
be you know, lost, or not to sort of diggyback.
I feel like men really wants a woman who is
(05:26):
like confident.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
Well, this is very this is very, very interesting because
I've heard from different matchmakers different things, and I like
when there's something new because we can add a toolkit.
We've talked about compatibility with one person. We've talked about
an energy match, which is really different, and then tools
for when you're dating. But often I think I have
(05:49):
not had a problem meeting men in my life, and
I've sometimes surprised myself because I've said to myself as
I've gotten older, wow, this is going to be harder
now and what I always come back to in my mind,
but I'm not. I haven't generalized it as much as you.
What I've come back to is that I've done well
because I have my own career and my own independence
(06:13):
and my own frankly money. But you're making it something
that's interesting because it may not be someone could be
working in charity, someone could be a yoga teacher. Someone
may not have my financial resources or the level of
my career. But if they have a strong sense of self,
which I also do have like someone meaning they have
(06:34):
their own identity, their own program. And I find that
a lot of women want to fold into a man's program.
And while that might seem attractive to a man in
the beginning, because obviously it doesn't want their way or
the highway, they may not respect that. And it also
goes the other way, in my opinion, with women with men.
Some men just like fold fold into a woman's program.
(06:56):
I think it goes on both sides, but for a
woman it's particularly important because traditionally women seem to want
to get the ring, get the dress, get the whole thing,
and like just be home waiting for the man. And
I think that that's where someone loses themselves and something
else I wanted to discuss. Yeah, you said sense of self,
and I'm saying women lose themselves. And what I have found,
(07:18):
without getting into detail, is I have met a strong,
a staggering percentage of men that I have met that
have been interested in me, who have custody of their
children because the wife started, you know, getting into things
that maybe they shouldn't have gotten into, and lost themselves
(07:39):
and have made poor decisions in their own lives, and
as a result, the men have custody. And I've in
my mind seen this in a lot of suburban communities
with bored housewives. They lived everything for their husband and
then they get bored and maybe they're drinking, maybe they're partying,
maybe they want to get a little action. And it's
(08:00):
crazy how that that pendulum swings a woman who seems
like she's on top of the world when they meet her,
and then she dissolves or deteriorates. And I think what
you're saying, that's that's about purpose, that's about self. And
I think it's very interesting what you're talking about.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
And I think it's also not only just losing your
sense of self and someone like your husband or vice versa,
but also just trying to be something that you're not
and that you see that again, so you know, someone
else's light or being like having no identity or good
sense of self and just being like that woman over there.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Well, what you're saying, I've heard too. I heard. I
was speaking to a very wealthy man who was married
to this woman who's been married multiple times, and he said,
she's the woman you were out with her. You said
you were into lacrosse. She was into lacrosse. You were
into you know, football on Sundays. She was into football
on Sundays and chicken wings. Like she would fold into
(08:55):
what you wanted her to be because she wanted to
lie the man. Yeah, but that how long can you
go on with that? Because it's back to what you're saying.
And I just think the self thing is really fascinating
and simple. It's simple. It's maybe not simple for someone
to find themselves because people don't even know who they
are sometimes, but to at least be honest, even if
you are flawed or having problems, are struggling, to be
(09:19):
honest and live in that without being a train wreck.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
I would say, yeah, and you just have to ask yourself.
I think you know when you're looking for love and
dating and even when you're in a relationship, is just
asking yourself the right questions. And you know to do
that a lot, you know, connecting with yourself, like, well,
it makes you happy, what makes you feel safe? What
makes you know? What brings you happiness.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
Well, we've talked about someone being a full person on
their own before wanting to look for a relationship. And
often someone gets out of a relationship, or someone's getting older,
or it is living in fear and wants to make
it happen and rush and you end up making poor
decisions because you don't have your own strong identity and
sense of self to your point, and I think that
(10:05):
I see a lot of rushing and I think I've
done I don't want to say rushing. But you see
something great and you go to the mall, you see
something great and you're just like, okay, I'll take that,
and versus like being patient. So it's a ridiculous thing
to say how long should it take? Because someone could
meet someone at the dry cleaner today and fall in love.
But do you feel that it's a time consuming process
(10:26):
to really find what you're looking for and that you're
seeing that people do have the tendency to rush, for sure.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
I think everyone likes the comfort of being in a relationship.
You know, there's a wedding coming, there's a vacation, you
want to have that person to bring. Often there's some
people who are just now comfortable being alone. They don't
like the time to themselves, And I think if you're
a person like I, that you should definitely work on
(10:55):
it because it's important, you know, to reflect in your
own sort of environment and your own thoughts, and especially
if you're getting out of a relationship and wanting to
get into another one, you have to take the time
to reflect and be alone. And even if you meet
someone and you're like smitten, head over heels, I think,
don't put all your eggs among basket, like really take
(11:16):
the time and maybe keep yourself an internal timeline. Say
I'm going to give this, you know, I'm going to
date for three months and not commit to anyone solely,
and then maybe I'll narrow it down.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
That's amazing because I took months to just like heal
and do therapy, and it doesn't it could be longer
than six to eight months who knows. But then then
once the clock starts and you decide you're going to date.
I also said to myself, I was going to take
a certain period of time to not you know, to
have the burners going, the multiple Viking burner's going. I
(11:49):
call it something on boil, something on simmer or take
everything off. And sometimes you feel like you're not driving someone.
You meet someone and they're love bombing you or like
they want you to lock it down or make a
decision because they are. And I think that takes some
self discipline too, to the point, like to sort of
just be clear with someone where you are in your
(12:12):
process because you're not afraid that you're going to lose
that like you want to you know what I mean,
being not afraid that you'll lose them if you don't
commit right away.
Speaker 2 (12:22):
And I think it just telling them that say, I
really like you and I don't want to lose you,
but I'm not ready to take it to that level
right now. I just want you to know that it's
not because I dislike you or don't think that you're
great for me. I just I can't move into that
phase at this very moment. So either they can respect that,
or they say I'm sorry, I have to move on
(12:43):
because I want to move to that level with someone,
and you know what, say okay, because they might come back.
You never know.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Well, that's an interesting thing too that it seems like
many matchmakers, as much as they want to make a match,
they also seem to want someone to really play the field.
And what does that mean? Does that mean you know
filler guys? Like is there such a thing as just
go out with them and have a good time even
if it's not going to be something or or can
someone not emotionally handle that? Does every person that someone's
(13:26):
going out with have to be a possibility? Like recently
there was someone that was very interested in me and
I just didn't think that it was the right fit.
And I believe that you have to take responsibility not
only for your own feelings, but if you find that
someone else is a good or kind person for theirs
also and to like cut them loose, not let them.
(13:48):
I call it twisting in the wind, like you be
honest about it, versus just sometimes playing the field can
be insensitive. I think in the beginning, if you just
met someone and they're a perfect stranger, if they do
something that you don't love and it feels like it's
not a fit. You don't have to worry about the
bedside manner. But I do think in the dating process,
you know, so I'm asking you about those like sort
(14:09):
of in between purgatory men that you're not sure. But
I mean you're supposed to just like have someone that
seems convenient, or it's supposed to be only quality versus quantity.
Speaker 2 (14:21):
I think again, I think if you've just gone through
a breakup, maybe you take that time before you would
hire or join a service like ours. I think it's
important to you know, explore and have some fun and
do whatever it is you need to do for you.
And then once you move into this you know outlet,
(14:42):
I think, then it's about finding the right person and
like you said, not stringing them along if it's not
a good fit. So when we take our clients on
and we are setting up people, it is with intention
and it is with you know, a lot of thought,
and in the beginning, you know, there might be some
trial and error because it's just like when you hire
(15:05):
a trainer or anything, and they sort of need to
get to know your body, just like we need to
know your taste, emotions, all these things. But we are
really thoughtful about people. Were introducing both our members are
female members and our mail clients too, because we don't
want to waste their time and it just creates more
(15:25):
work for us.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
So it should take a while in life. And the
thing is, I think so I've advised businesses and some
people can't afford a publicist and explain to them how
to be their own publicist. And you know, I don't
have an agent. Most people at my level in entertainment
that get the kind of deals I get have an agent.
But we do it ourselves. So and I also went
(15:47):
through a ten year horrendous divorce and I ended up
with primary custody and no child support. And I was
largely responsible for that because in many ways it became
my own lawyer within, you know, with the support of
my lawyer. So the reason I say all that is
not everybody can afford a matchmaker, and I do believe
people can be their own matchmaker. And so how would
(16:08):
you say people should navigate it. I have seen, I've
dabbled on some of the apps. They can be daunting
and scary, and some can seem like a you know,
TJ Max where you could find a why a cell bag,
but you could also find a cracked Mabelene compact. And
I've seen the ones that are supposed to be higher
(16:29):
end and then people are sort of posing. So how
do you feel in twenty twenty four someone is supposed
to do this and navigate this on their own and
how you know deep does the research need to be?
Speaker 2 (16:40):
Like?
Speaker 1 (16:41):
What are some tools you would say for being your
own matchmaker?
Speaker 2 (16:45):
I think listen. I think the apps are a great
you know, invention and outlet for people. I think there's
a lind for every pot and if that's what you
want to use, if that's the only thing you can
be is because maybe you're an introvert, you live in
you know, there's no restaurants, who knows. I mean, there's
(17:05):
so many different reasons that people use them, and I
think it's so wonderful in so many ways. But I
also think that it can be incredibly you know a
lot of false information, a lot of fake and you know,
like just leading people on never meeting cat fishing, and
(17:26):
I think I think there's it's also it's a lot
of work. So I think anyone who has access to
people and friends and other resources should use those And
it's really just going back to, like, you know, what
you did in the past. Ask your friends if they
(17:47):
have any single friends. Ask your married events who if
they have any single friends. You know, join a tennis team,
you know, chess club, go on a trip by yourself,
go to a city you've never been to and sit
at the bar, and you know, just be present instead
of playing on your phone the whole time. I think
(18:08):
there's so many ways you can meet people, and you know,
you sort of when you do that, you sort of
exude this energy and this way, like I'm willing to
be approached, which is so infrequent these days because everyone's
attached to their devices. So I think it's important to
use the other outlets as well unless you have no
(18:29):
other option that it's.
Speaker 1 (18:31):
How are you finding well? How well you really represent
the men? So how are they finding you? How are
you finding them? Are you seeking? Are the men seeking
you at or are you sometimes seeing well, this guy
seems eligible, he's single, I want to work with him, Like,
how does that work?
Speaker 2 (18:46):
So most of the time we're not seeking out the men.
They're coming to us and they look about us through
a friend through a girlfriend, through you know, a colleague.
So many ways we don't advertise, so it's through a
culferral base. There's editorials on us, so I would say
five to ten percent find us through reading an article
or listening to a podcast. But I would say most
(19:06):
people come to us through a referral. And the only
time that I would say we reached out to them
is if you know, someone feels uncomfortable or doesn't have
the confidence, or doesn't feel like they might need us
because a friend has told them to reach out, So
they'll give us their email or phone number and we'll
reach out to that.
Speaker 1 (19:28):
Now, why do you only represent Oh, first of all,
how many women are in your stable? So you said,
like twenty men. How many women are in your stable, so.
Speaker 2 (19:36):
We've I mean, now after many years, I mean we
have thousands of women. It doesn't mean that everyone necessarily
goes out. So the women pay no fee. They have
to go through our process, which is extensive to a
certain you know, a certain extent. I would say, you know,
you have to we have certain prerequisites, and you also
(19:58):
have to have an in person interview. We have to
talk about your criteria and what you're looking for. But
there are no guarantees.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
So you said that many women And what your reason
was for choosing to represent men and not women like
you primarily and have them as clients.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Sure, and that reason was purely a supply demand. You know,
when I started the business with Nikki, my business preader,
we just had a larger network of women than met.
So the idea came from you know, it stemmed from
my single girlfriends being thirty years old now almost forty five, saying,
(20:36):
you know, how do I meet men? Now, this is
in two thousand and nine, before the apps even existed,
and there was you know, we were all on Blackberries
and you know, Match dot com, e Harmony and shade A.
We're just scratching the surface. But none of my friends
would have been on them because it was so it
was had such a bad stigma at that Yes, yes,
now it's so much more accepted, which is great, but
(20:59):
it stammed from my We weren't going to like nightclubs,
we weren't really needing people at bars, and like what
guy hadn't one of our friends dated or whatever it was.
And then the competitors that the market. I did market research.
There was nothing out there that was really I felt
that was really sophisticated and edgy, nothing that my friends
(21:21):
would have or my network would have gravitated towards. So
I wanted to create something that my people would say, Okay,
this actually feels more like my taste. And at the time,
to answer your question, you know my network of you know,
I'm twenty nine thirty, I just had a larger network
(21:42):
of women. So I felt like I didn't want to
service both parties because then I was just trying to
fill a quota. If I was charging both sides, then
I had to work for both sides. And if you're
you know, you're just charging one, then you're working for
him and then you can get a larger number on
the other side.
Speaker 1 (22:00):
Wow, okay, and so what are you finding that women
are doing wrong the most on these dates? You're get
The thing is you are an interesting person to interview
because you're getting the feedback from the men. So it's
not a mixed bag here, which yes, but are the
do the women feel like there is comfortable to complain?
Aren't they excited because they're not paying you? I mean
the men are more of the picky customers, right, or
(22:20):
the women are fully like telling you what they think.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
They're fully telling us what they think.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
Okay, so let's do both. All right, great, So let's
go with the men first, who are paying customers. What's
the range of money? Is there a range or it's
one flat fee?
Speaker 2 (22:32):
No, there's the range. I can talk about it. We
chalked about forty to sixty thousand dollars and that's for
a year contract.
Speaker 1 (22:39):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
We have offered trials in the past because we want
to give this opportunity to people who might not have
the means for a lower cost. So we have done
that as well.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
I love that we need to do a dating We
need to do a dating matchmaking charity.
Speaker 2 (22:53):
Not for yeah people, you know, people gifted to like oh,
business partner brothers.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
That's smart, it's good gift Christmas lists everybody Honoka lists. Okay,
So what are men saying they come back from the date?
Give me the top three to five things that they're
coming back and saying that you're hearing often that you
just wish women? Is it they're drinking too much, they
didn't have manicures, Like, what is it?
Speaker 2 (23:20):
I would say in the most recent experience, it's less
about the physical stuff. Because I think we've become even
piguer about who we let into the membership. So being
polished is super important for us, especially when on a
date it's like put your you know, come as your
back self.
Speaker 1 (23:40):
That's exactly what another match maker said to now ladies
who are listening, we're getting like we have like themes
we must listen, said that a man wants a woman
that looks like she made an effort. Does she smell good?
Did she look like she just that's okay, So you're
saying put your best foot forward, So all right, so sorry,
So what are men complaining about?
Speaker 2 (23:58):
I think so sometimes and this goes for both sides,
that the other parties not asking enough questions about them,
you know, whether it's their past or their goals, or
asking the wrong questions. I think on both sides. Often,
you know, people need to be more thoughtful about what
they're asking their date if they care. I think, you know,
(24:25):
what do you do for work? And like what are
your hobbies? Like that's kind of just surface layer. I
think it's important people think about the deeper questions to
see if there's really a connection there that's interesting.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
Yeah, it's an essence someone's essence versus just the checking
the boxes.
Speaker 2 (24:45):
Yeah, I think and in our in our business, you know,
we tell each party a lot about the person before
they actually meet, but they don't and so they know
the sort of foundational stuff. But then that first date
is really need to ask about whatever you want to
(25:05):
talk about, and maybe it's something. We've told them what
their favorite book is and they said, you know, it's interesting.
I can't believe that's your favorite book. I read it
and I didn't get that sense or I didn't feed
that way. Why did you like it so much? Whatever
it may be.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
What about money? How important is money to both sides?
How much does money come up in dating in your business?
Speaker 2 (25:39):
Not very much. I would say everyone is educated, accomplished,
successful in their own right, and that doesn't mean they
have to have millions of dollars in the bank, but
they do have to be I would say, doing something
that they care about. And you can, you know, you
can be a successful writer. It doesn't mean you're necessarily
(26:01):
making a lot of money. So I think, you know,
we do believe in chivalryes, so I do believe if
you are on a date, you know, man woman, the
man should pay. I do I do too. It's never
really come up for us, so we don't have that problem.
I think. You know, I've worked with the doctors and
yes they've gone to medical school and they're in a
(26:22):
ton of debt, but you know, their idea is to
pay them muffle, So it doesn't come up that often.
It really doesn't. I think it's more about just I
think intellectual curiosity. So the questions that they're asking, are
they really interested in each other? I think it's about
not being distracted and really being present. So someone might
say the women might complain that, you know, the guy
(26:46):
was don his phone the whole time, and then he
tells me, I'm sorry, I was closing a deal I
should have you know, I didn't want to move the
date because that was rude, but I had to answer
these questions, so it's like, that's hard. I think women
complained maybe more about the dress and the physical than
the men, But men might just feel like a woman
(27:07):
is not engaged, that she's sort of drifting or looking
who's you know, looking over his shoulder to see who
else is coming in. So it's really about the I
think the presidence of someone, you know, are they engaged
in the conversation at the time.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
It's funny that you brought up the thing about the deal.
Like years ago, I remember showing up at a door
and a guy like putting his finger up, like wait
one minute, and then being on a twenty minute phone
call and he went in the other room and he
didn't know that I left. I was ten blocks away,
and he called and couldn't believe it. He called the
person who set us up and was a gas and
I was like, yeah, no, we're not. I mean, that
was so incredibly rude. But I had that happen recently
(27:44):
with a very successful man where he had something going
on at work and he was super stressed out about it,
and he proceeded to talk about it. He was staying
in town for the weekend at a hotel nearby, and
he proceeded to talk about it the entire weekend. And
I call that inside baseball, Like it'd be like me
talking about a social media post that I got in
(28:07):
trouble for, or a brand deal or something that is
so inside baseball that you can't be how narcissistic can
you be to think that the other person's going to
be like hooked in when they just met you the
whole entire weekend, Like we're like, we're a couple and
we're both invested in this deal going down. So I
think that that's an interesting one because people get inside
their head and think that what they think is interesting
(28:27):
the other person is invested in.
Speaker 2 (28:29):
Yeah, you're so right, and that can happen often, and
that's what's so beneficial of having a person like me
or my team in the background, so we can give
you that feedback and they're like, oh, I didn't even
realize I was doing that, or whatever it may be.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
How much is someone wrong about their gut instinct about
what they think is someone I didn't like him, he
seemed rude, he's seen whatever, and you're and then they
go back in and they were wrong or is usually
someone's first instinct correct.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
I always say, if you have any inkling, like any
feeling at all, to go on a second day, even
if it's like, you know what, he's not going to
be right for me because of this and that. But
he was really cute and he's actually very charming and
we had fun, but no, no, no, then I'm like, no,
you have to give it a second chance.
Speaker 1 (29:12):
Oh okay, unless it was like a hard no, like
a guttural no. You're saying, I got a second chance.
Speaker 2 (29:18):
Why I think so? I think because first dates are
hard and you don't know what's happened that day or
what's going on in their life, really, because you're both
sort of sitting there and just meeting each other for
the first time. And I think it's important to give
someone a second chance because it's a date and it
is important to them. But I don't know. Maybe they
(29:41):
didn't get enough sleep the night before and they're not
trying to make that excuse, but they're there and they
showed it up and they want to spend time with you,
but they're just not their best self. What to do?
Step answer.
Speaker 1 (30:04):
Most that after
Speaker 2 (30:10):
The step answer
Today, we're speaking with Greta from the Bevy and Elite
matchmaking service based in LA and New York City.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Hi Bethany, how are you?
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Nice to meet you?
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Nice to meet you. Let me just expand my screen
here so I can see you. You looked nice and
rested from your vacation.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
Oh, thank you, thank you. So you have a partner
and you're matchmakers? Right?
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Correct?
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Okay, how long have you been doing this?
Speaker 2 (00:36):
I've been doing this for almost fourteen years now.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
And the business is called what the Bevy?
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Right? The Bevy?
Speaker 1 (00:44):
The Bevy? Okay, what does that mean? Where did that
come from?
Speaker 2 (00:47):
The name came from. I wanted to create a name
that wasn't so sort of cupids and coffee and clouds
and all those things. I wanted something a little edgy
or a little bit more modern, and also sort of
the idea of a house or a club, even though
we don't do anything social, so just a group similar
to you know, private clubs or something like that. So
(01:09):
BEV means like a bevy of beauty's. That's really where
it's domning from.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
Okay, And from my perspective, it seems like your business
is more niche and more like Barney's than commercial, Like
it doesn't feel like if I were to Google matchmaking
or high end matchmaking or something like that, I don't
know that your name would come up, not unlike what
you're saying, like a private club. So is there different
(01:35):
to the brand? Are you smaller? Do you have small
fewer clients? Do you charge more? Like? And I know
that your business you represent the men. The men are
the client the paying clients.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
Right, correct?
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Yes, okay, So what about my estimation or how I
see it? Is that correct or? Now?
Speaker 2 (01:52):
I think that's a pretty perfect analogy. I always say
we're boutique shopping versus department store shopping. So I would
go even on a more on a smaller scale than Barney's.
I would say, it's like even more exclusive. But Barneys
is a good example.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
Sure, And so how many people are you servicing at
the same time? Is that how it works? Like you'd say,
we won't take more than this, and we charge more
because we're giving them, you know, more of us private
school service versus public like more attention per client.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
I think you know, we're very high touch service. And
just like when you're shopping in a boutique, you want
to know the people that you're working with, and then
they get to know your taste, and it becomes this
personal connection and sort of a service where you feel
like or even at a restaurant, when you know the
waiter or the hostess or the barb attend there's this
like sense of comfort, and we wanted people to have
(02:46):
that feeling. So we do limit our clients. We work
for them men. We take up to about twenty five
clients at once, so it's very low volume but very
high touch.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Okay, so you're really curating this experience and how we
can get into why that would make you an expert?
What's the target audience that your client is? Like, the
man is what age to what age? What's the youngest really?
I mean, you might have someone in their twenties, but
what's really the range.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
I would say, you know, sure, we've had clients in
their twenties, but I'd say it starts around thirty five.
We do have some like young successful men recently that
have had a lot of success at a younger age,
but I'd say on average, it's about between thirty five
and fifty five. And now actually it really varies. It's
gone up into the sixties and seventies recently, and then
(03:37):
there are other times where we see there's still lot
of younger men. We try to fill the gaps, and
you know, have a good variety of men because obviously
we want to service them and give them, you know, consistency.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
And if you have seven fifty five year olds, they
are all competing with each other. With the women, you're
going to find correct. Okay, So, like let's say what
sweet spot is, like forty eight, fifty two, like fifty
that's like what? Because I would imagine someone has to
have disposable income, they made some money.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
Right, I would say yeah. I would say on the
older half it's probably mid fifties and on the younger
half it's late thirties, early forties.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
Okay, So what are you finding that is a really
common thread that men want? What do men want?
Speaker 2 (04:20):
I would say a good sense of self. So a
woman who knows who she is, who's independent, meaning that
she has her own friends, she has her own goals,
she has their own passions. You know, I think they
want intellectual stimulation, and I think the good sense of
self is super important understanding who they are, what they want,
(04:42):
what they like, what they don't like. I think it
also depends on the stage of dating, so I could
break it into two parts. It's the people who are
just starting and want to build a family and do
all that, and then there's the people starting their second
or third chapter where they're with kids, and it's it's
a totally different ballgame kind of because you know, maybe
(05:05):
religion or you know, trying to start a family, that's
not as important in that second chapter of life because
you've already done it right in both stages, I think
a good sense of self is important and not to
be you know, lost, or not to sort of diggyback.
I feel like men really wants a woman who is
(05:26):
like confident.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
Well, this is very this is very, very interesting because
I've heard from different matchmakers different things, and I like
when there's something new because we can add a toolkit.
We've talked about compatibility with one person. We've talked about
an energy match, which is really different, and then tools
for when you're dating. But often I think I have
(05:49):
not had a problem meeting men in my life, and
I've sometimes surprised myself because I've said to myself as
I've gotten older, wow, this is going to be harder
now and what I always come back to in my mind,
but I'm not. I haven't generalized it as much as you.
What I've come back to is that I've done well
because I have my own career and my own independence
(06:13):
and my own frankly money. But you're making it something
that's interesting because it may not be someone could be
working in charity, someone could be a yoga teacher. Someone
may not have my financial resources or the level of
my career. But if they have a strong sense of self,
which I also do have like someone meaning they have
(06:34):
their own identity, their own program. And I find that
a lot of women want to fold into a man's program.
And while that might seem attractive to a man in
the beginning, because obviously it doesn't want their way or
the highway, they may not respect that. And it also
goes the other way, in my opinion, with women with men.
Some men just like fold fold into a woman's program.
(06:56):
I think it goes on both sides, but for a
woman it's particularly important because traditionally women seem to want
to get the ring, get the dress, get the whole thing,
and like just be home waiting for the man. And
I think that that's where someone loses themselves and something
else I wanted to discuss. Yeah, you said sense of self,
and I'm saying women lose themselves. And what I have found,
(07:18):
without getting into detail, is I have met a strong,
a staggering percentage of men that I have met that
have been interested in me, who have custody of their
children because the wife started, you know, getting into things
that maybe they shouldn't have gotten into, and lost themselves
(07:39):
and have made poor decisions in their own lives, and
as a result, the men have custody. And I've in
my mind seen this in a lot of suburban communities
with bored housewives. They lived everything for their husband and
then they get bored and maybe they're drinking, maybe they're partying,
maybe they want to get a little action. And it's
(08:00):
crazy how that that pendulum swings a woman who seems
like she's on top of the world when they meet her,
and then she dissolves or deteriorates. And I think what
you're saying, that's that's about purpose, that's about self. And
I think it's very interesting what you're talking about.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
And I think it's also not only just losing your
sense of self and someone like your husband or vice versa,
but also just trying to be something that you're not
and that you see that again, so you know, someone
else's light or being like having no identity or good
sense of self and just being like that woman over there.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Well, what you're saying, I've heard too. I heard. I
was speaking to a very wealthy man who was married
to this woman who's been married multiple times, and he said,
she's the woman you were out with her. You said
you were into lacrosse. She was into lacrosse. You were
into you know, football on Sundays. She was into football
on Sundays and chicken wings. Like she would fold into
(08:55):
what you wanted her to be because she wanted to
lie the man. Yeah, but that how long can you
go on with that? Because it's back to what you're saying.
And I just think the self thing is really fascinating
and simple. It's simple. It's maybe not simple for someone
to find themselves because people don't even know who they
are sometimes, but to at least be honest, even if
you are flawed or having problems, are struggling, to be
(09:19):
honest and live in that without being a train wreck.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
I would say, yeah, and you just have to ask yourself.
I think you know when you're looking for love and
dating and even when you're in a relationship, is just
asking yourself the right questions. And you know to do
that a lot, you know, connecting with yourself, like, well,
it makes you happy, what makes you feel safe? What
makes you know? What brings you happiness.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
Well, we've talked about someone being a full person on
their own before wanting to look for a relationship. And
often someone gets out of a relationship, or someone's getting older,
or it is living in fear and wants to make
it happen and rush and you end up making poor
decisions because you don't have your own strong identity and
sense of self to your point, and I think that
(10:05):
I see a lot of rushing and I think I've
done I don't want to say rushing. But you see
something great and you go to the mall, you see
something great and you're just like, okay, I'll take that,
and versus like being patient. So it's a ridiculous thing
to say how long should it take? Because someone could
meet someone at the dry cleaner today and fall in love.
But do you feel that it's a time consuming process
(10:26):
to really find what you're looking for and that you're
seeing that people do have the tendency to rush, for sure.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
I think everyone likes the comfort of being in a relationship.
You know, there's a wedding coming, there's a vacation, you
want to have that person to bring. Often there's some
people who are just now comfortable being alone. They don't
like the time to themselves, And I think if you're
a person like I, that you should definitely work on
(10:55):
it because it's important, you know, to reflect in your
own sort of environment and your own thoughts, and especially
if you're getting out of a relationship and wanting to
get into another one, you have to take the time
to reflect and be alone. And even if you meet
someone and you're like smitten, head over heels, I think,
don't put all your eggs among basket, like really take
(11:16):
the time and maybe keep yourself an internal timeline. Say
I'm going to give this, you know, I'm going to
date for three months and not commit to anyone solely,
and then maybe I'll narrow it down.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
That's amazing because I took months to just like heal
and do therapy, and it doesn't it could be longer
than six to eight months who knows. But then then
once the clock starts and you decide you're going to date.
I also said to myself, I was going to take
a certain period of time to not you know, to
have the burners going, the multiple Viking burner's going. I
(11:49):
call it something on boil, something on simmer or take
everything off. And sometimes you feel like you're not driving someone.
You meet someone and they're love bombing you or like
they want you to lock it down or make a
decision because they are. And I think that takes some
self discipline too, to the point, like to sort of
just be clear with someone where you are in your
(12:12):
process because you're not afraid that you're going to lose
that like you want to you know what I mean,
being not afraid that you'll lose them if you don't
commit right away.
Speaker 2 (12:22):
And I think it just telling them that say, I
really like you and I don't want to lose you,
but I'm not ready to take it to that level
right now. I just want you to know that it's
not because I dislike you or don't think that you're
great for me. I just I can't move into that
phase at this very moment. So either they can respect that,
or they say I'm sorry, I have to move on
(12:43):
because I want to move to that level with someone,
and you know what, say okay, because they might come back.
You never know.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Well, that's an interesting thing too that it seems like
many matchmakers, as much as they want to make a match,
they also seem to want someone to really play the field.
And what does that mean? Does that mean you know
filler guys? Like is there such a thing as just
go out with them and have a good time even
if it's not going to be something or or can
someone not emotionally handle that? Does every person that someone's
(13:26):
going out with have to be a possibility? Like recently
there was someone that was very interested in me and
I just didn't think that it was the right fit.
And I believe that you have to take responsibility not
only for your own feelings, but if you find that
someone else is a good or kind person for theirs
also and to like cut them loose, not let them.
(13:48):
I call it twisting in the wind, like you be
honest about it, versus just sometimes playing the field can
be insensitive. I think in the beginning, if you just
met someone and they're a perfect stranger, if they do
something that you don't love and it feels like it's
not a fit. You don't have to worry about the
bedside manner. But I do think in the dating process,
you know, so I'm asking you about those like sort
(14:09):
of in between purgatory men that you're not sure. But
I mean you're supposed to just like have someone that
seems convenient, or it's supposed to be only quality versus quantity.
Speaker 2 (14:21):
I think again, I think if you've just gone through
a breakup, maybe you take that time before you would
hire or join a service like ours. I think it's
important to you know, explore and have some fun and
do whatever it is you need to do for you.
And then once you move into this you know outlet,
(14:42):
I think, then it's about finding the right person and
like you said, not stringing them along if it's not
a good fit. So when we take our clients on
and we are setting up people, it is with intention
and it is with you know, a lot of thought,
and in the beginning, you know, there might be some
trial and error because it's just like when you hire
(15:05):
a trainer or anything, and they sort of need to
get to know your body, just like we need to
know your taste, emotions, all these things. But we are
really thoughtful about people. Were introducing both our members are
female members and our mail clients too, because we don't
want to waste their time and it just creates more
(15:25):
work for us.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
So it should take a while in life. And the
thing is, I think so I've advised businesses and some
people can't afford a publicist and explain to them how
to be their own publicist. And you know, I don't
have an agent. Most people at my level in entertainment
that get the kind of deals I get have an agent.
But we do it ourselves. So and I also went
(15:47):
through a ten year horrendous divorce and I ended up
with primary custody and no child support. And I was
largely responsible for that because in many ways it became
my own lawyer within, you know, with the support of
my lawyer. So the reason I say all that is
not everybody can afford a matchmaker, and I do believe
people can be their own matchmaker. And so how would
(16:08):
you say people should navigate it. I have seen, I've
dabbled on some of the apps. They can be daunting
and scary, and some can seem like a you know,
TJ Max where you could find a why a cell bag,
but you could also find a cracked Mabelene compact. And
I've seen the ones that are supposed to be higher
(16:29):
end and then people are sort of posing. So how
do you feel in twenty twenty four someone is supposed
to do this and navigate this on their own and
how you know deep does the research need to be?
Speaker 2 (16:40):
Like?
Speaker 1 (16:41):
What are some tools you would say for being your
own matchmaker?
Speaker 2 (16:45):
I think listen. I think the apps are a great
you know, invention and outlet for people. I think there's
a lind for every pot and if that's what you
want to use, if that's the only thing you can
be is because maybe you're an introvert, you live in
you know, there's no restaurants, who knows. I mean, there's
(17:05):
so many different reasons that people use them, and I
think it's so wonderful in so many ways. But I
also think that it can be incredibly you know a
lot of false information, a lot of fake and you know,
like just leading people on never meeting cat fishing, and
(17:26):
I think I think there's it's also it's a lot
of work. So I think anyone who has access to
people and friends and other resources should use those And
it's really just going back to, like, you know, what
you did in the past. Ask your friends if they
(17:47):
have any single friends. Ask your married events who if
they have any single friends. You know, join a tennis team,
you know, chess club, go on a trip by yourself,
go to a city you've never been to and sit
at the bar, and you know, just be present instead
of playing on your phone the whole time. I think
(18:08):
there's so many ways you can meet people, and you know,
you sort of when you do that, you sort of
exude this energy and this way, like I'm willing to
be approached, which is so infrequent these days because everyone's
attached to their devices. So I think it's important to
use the other outlets as well unless you have no
(18:29):
other option that it's.
Speaker 1 (18:31):
How are you finding well? How well you really represent
the men? So how are they finding you? How are
you finding them? Are you seeking? Are the men seeking
you at or are you sometimes seeing well, this guy
seems eligible, he's single, I want to work with him, Like,
how does that work?
Speaker 2 (18:46):
So most of the time we're not seeking out the men.
They're coming to us and they look about us through
a friend through a girlfriend, through you know, a colleague.
So many ways we don't advertise, so it's through a
culferral base. There's editorials on us, so I would say
five to ten percent find us through reading an article
or listening to a podcast. But I would say most
(19:06):
people come to us through a referral. And the only
time that I would say we reached out to them
is if you know, someone feels uncomfortable or doesn't have
the confidence, or doesn't feel like they might need us
because a friend has told them to reach out, So
they'll give us their email or phone number and we'll
reach out to that.
Speaker 1 (19:28):
Now, why do you only represent Oh, first of all,
how many women are in your stable? So you said,
like twenty men. How many women are in your stable, so.
Speaker 2 (19:36):
We've I mean, now after many years, I mean we
have thousands of women. It doesn't mean that everyone necessarily
goes out. So the women pay no fee. They have
to go through our process, which is extensive to a
certain you know, a certain extent. I would say, you know,
you have to we have certain prerequisites, and you also
(19:58):
have to have an in person interview. We have to
talk about your criteria and what you're looking for. But
there are no guarantees.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
So you said that many women And what your reason
was for choosing to represent men and not women like
you primarily and have them as clients.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Sure, and that reason was purely a supply demand. You know,
when I started the business with Nikki, my business preader,
we just had a larger network of women than met.
So the idea came from you know, it stemmed from
my single girlfriends being thirty years old now almost forty five, saying,
(20:36):
you know, how do I meet men? Now, this is
in two thousand and nine, before the apps even existed,
and there was you know, we were all on Blackberries
and you know, Match dot com, e Harmony and shade A.
We're just scratching the surface. But none of my friends
would have been on them because it was so it
was had such a bad stigma at that Yes, yes,
now it's so much more accepted, which is great, but
(20:59):
it stammed from my We weren't going to like nightclubs,
we weren't really needing people at bars, and like what
guy hadn't one of our friends dated or whatever it was.
And then the competitors that the market. I did market research.
There was nothing out there that was really I felt
that was really sophisticated and edgy, nothing that my friends
(21:21):
would have or my network would have gravitated towards. So
I wanted to create something that my people would say, Okay,
this actually feels more like my taste. And at the time,
to answer your question, you know my network of you know,
I'm twenty nine thirty, I just had a larger network
(21:42):
of women. So I felt like I didn't want to
service both parties because then I was just trying to
fill a quota. If I was charging both sides, then
I had to work for both sides. And if you're
you know, you're just charging one, then you're working for
him and then you can get a larger number on
the other side.
Speaker 1 (22:00):
Wow, okay, and so what are you finding that women
are doing wrong the most on these dates? You're get
The thing is you are an interesting person to interview
because you're getting the feedback from the men. So it's
not a mixed bag here, which yes, but are the
do the women feel like there is comfortable to complain?
Aren't they excited because they're not paying you? I mean
the men are more of the picky customers, right, or
(22:20):
the women are fully like telling you what they think.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
They're fully telling us what they think.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
Okay, so let's do both. All right, great, So let's
go with the men first, who are paying customers. What's
the range of money? Is there a range or it's
one flat fee?
Speaker 2 (22:32):
No, there's the range. I can talk about it. We
chalked about forty to sixty thousand dollars and that's for
a year contract.
Speaker 1 (22:39):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
We have offered trials in the past because we want
to give this opportunity to people who might not have
the means for a lower cost. So we have done
that as well.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
I love that we need to do a dating We
need to do a dating matchmaking charity.
Speaker 2 (22:53):
Not for yeah people, you know, people gifted to like oh,
business partner brothers.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
That's smart, it's good gift Christmas lists everybody Honoka lists. Okay,
So what are men saying they come back from the date?
Give me the top three to five things that they're
coming back and saying that you're hearing often that you
just wish women? Is it they're drinking too much, they
didn't have manicures, Like, what is it?
Speaker 2 (23:20):
I would say in the most recent experience, it's less
about the physical stuff. Because I think we've become even
piguer about who we let into the membership. So being
polished is super important for us, especially when on a
date it's like put your you know, come as your
back self.
Speaker 1 (23:40):
That's exactly what another match maker said to now ladies
who are listening, we're getting like we have like themes
we must listen, said that a man wants a woman
that looks like she made an effort. Does she smell good?
Did she look like she just that's okay, So you're
saying put your best foot forward, So all right, so sorry,
So what are men complaining about?
Speaker 2 (23:58):
I think so sometimes and this goes for both sides,
that the other parties not asking enough questions about them,
you know, whether it's their past or their goals, or
asking the wrong questions. I think on both sides. Often,
you know, people need to be more thoughtful about what
they're asking their date if they care. I think, you know,
(24:25):
what do you do for work? And like what are
your hobbies? Like that's kind of just surface layer. I
think it's important people think about the deeper questions to
see if there's really a connection there that's interesting.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
Yeah, it's an essence someone's essence versus just the checking
the boxes.
Speaker 2 (24:45):
Yeah, I think and in our in our business, you know,
we tell each party a lot about the person before
they actually meet, but they don't and so they know
the sort of foundational stuff. But then that first date
is really need to ask about whatever you want to
(25:05):
talk about, and maybe it's something. We've told them what
their favorite book is and they said, you know, it's interesting.
I can't believe that's your favorite book. I read it
and I didn't get that sense or I didn't feed
that way. Why did you like it so much? Whatever
it may be.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
What about money? How important is money to both sides?
How much does money come up in dating in your business?
Speaker 2 (25:39):
Not very much. I would say everyone is educated, accomplished,
successful in their own right, and that doesn't mean they
have to have millions of dollars in the bank, but
they do have to be I would say, doing something
that they care about. And you can, you know, you
can be a successful writer. It doesn't mean you're necessarily
(26:01):
making a lot of money. So I think, you know,
we do believe in chivalryes, so I do believe if
you are on a date, you know, man woman, the
man should pay. I do I do too. It's never
really come up for us, so we don't have that problem.
I think. You know, I've worked with the doctors and
yes they've gone to medical school and they're in a
(26:22):
ton of debt, but you know, their idea is to
pay them muffle, So it doesn't come up that often.
It really doesn't. I think it's more about just I
think intellectual curiosity. So the questions that they're asking, are
they really interested in each other? I think it's about
not being distracted and really being present. So someone might
say the women might complain that, you know, the guy
(26:46):
was don his phone the whole time, and then he
tells me, I'm sorry, I was closing a deal I
should have you know, I didn't want to move the
date because that was rude, but I had to answer
these questions, so it's like, that's hard. I think women
complained maybe more about the dress and the physical than
the men, But men might just feel like a woman
(27:07):
is not engaged, that she's sort of drifting or looking
who's you know, looking over his shoulder to see who
else is coming in. So it's really about the I
think the presidence of someone, you know, are they engaged
in the conversation at the time.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
It's funny that you brought up the thing about the deal.
Like years ago, I remember showing up at a door
and a guy like putting his finger up, like wait
one minute, and then being on a twenty minute phone
call and he went in the other room and he
didn't know that I left. I was ten blocks away,
and he called and couldn't believe it. He called the
person who set us up and was a gas and
I was like, yeah, no, we're not. I mean, that
was so incredibly rude. But I had that happen recently
(27:44):
with a very successful man where he had something going
on at work and he was super stressed out about it,
and he proceeded to talk about it. He was staying
in town for the weekend at a hotel nearby, and
he proceeded to talk about it the entire weekend. And
I call that inside baseball, Like it'd be like me
talking about a social media post that I got in
(28:07):
trouble for, or a brand deal or something that is
so inside baseball that you can't be how narcissistic can
you be to think that the other person's going to
be like hooked in when they just met you the
whole entire weekend, Like we're like, we're a couple and
we're both invested in this deal going down. So I
think that that's an interesting one because people get inside
their head and think that what they think is interesting
(28:27):
the other person is invested in.
Speaker 2 (28:29):
Yeah, you're so right, and that can happen often, and
that's what's so beneficial of having a person like me
or my team in the background, so we can give
you that feedback and they're like, oh, I didn't even
realize I was doing that, or whatever it may be.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
How much is someone wrong about their gut instinct about
what they think is someone I didn't like him, he
seemed rude, he's seen whatever, and you're and then they
go back in and they were wrong or is usually
someone's first instinct correct.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
I always say, if you have any inkling, like any
feeling at all, to go on a second day, even
if it's like, you know what, he's not going to
be right for me because of this and that. But
he was really cute and he's actually very charming and
we had fun, but no, no, no, then I'm like, no,
you have to give it a second chance.
Speaker 1 (29:12):
Oh okay, unless it was like a hard no, like
a guttural no. You're saying, I got a second chance.
Speaker 2 (29:18):
Why I think so? I think because first dates are
hard and you don't know what's happened that day or
what's going on in their life, really, because you're both
sort of sitting there and just meeting each other for
the first time. And I think it's important to give
someone a second chance because it's a date and it
is important to them. But I don't know. Maybe they
(29:41):
didn't get enough sleep the night before and they're not
trying to make that excuse, but they're there and they
showed it up and they want to spend time with you,
but they're just not their best self. What to do?
Step answer.
Speaker 1 (30:04):
Most that after
Speaker 2 (30:10):
The step answer
Host
Bethenny Frankel
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