July 25, 2024 • 18 mins
Author, dating coach and elite matchmaker Thalia Ouimet joins the show! This episode is all about knowing what you want, knowing what's realistic, and having something going FOR YOURSELF!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:12):
Hello, Hi, how are you. I'm doing good? How are you?
Speaker 2 (00:17):
I'm good? This is Talia. We met. She is an author,
a dating coach, and a matchmaker. Crazy that your last
name is we Met do a lot? I mean everyone
comments on that, right, that you're a matchmaker and your
last name is we met. Tell me people comment on that.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
All the time.
Speaker 3 (00:31):
Well, the company, yeah, we Met through Italia, was birth
for my name. I feel like I was born to
do this.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Oh that you are companies called we Met?
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Yeah, the company is called we Met through Italian. It's
my last name.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Oh that's brilliant. Okay, I didn't know that. I just
because I didn't know how to pronounce your last name.
I guess it is like French like we met, but
it's wow. Okay, Well that's interesting. We met through Talia. Okay.
So you are a high end matchmaker, which is a
fascinating business. Would you call yourself a high end matchmaker?
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Yes, of course, it's only high end, only.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
High end matchmaking. Okay. So do you ever get any
pushback or hate in that there's like an elitism to
women wanting to marry a wealthy man. You know the
old statement that moms say it's just as easy to
marry a rich man as a poor man. So where
do you stand on a that statement? And if you
(01:25):
ever get any pushback, like people being like, oh what
about someone's hard and it's not just about money and
superficial and things like that.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
You know, I don't really have much to say on it.
Speaker 3 (01:33):
If someone is a female and they're doing really well,
I think wanting equal above just makes sense. Now for
someone who has new ambition in life, who you know,
doesn't work or anything like that, who wants someone wildly successful,
I think that's a little questionable.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
That's interesting. Okay, So that's an interesting take and an
interesting nuance that we haven't discussed here yet. I love
to find the pieces of the puzzle for the people
listening because they're getting you know, you could be six
figures for someone to hire you to match them, and
they're getting this for free here. And so I like
to give advice and notes that are accessible to all.
(02:12):
You know, not everybody can go into Chanelle, including me,
and get a bag, but you know, people can have
game when they go out and date and look for
someone equal or above is what you said. So it's
funny because in this new dating era where I remember
being in my twenties and wanting to like lock up
my life by twenty six when I got married the
(02:33):
first time. And I remember in my late thirties getting
into a relationship because I felt some sort of a pressure.
And it depends on where you are and the people
you're surrounding yourself with, and you're kind of comparing yourself
to that. So in my twenties, the whole group was
getting married at twenty five, twenty four, twenty six, and
like then in my late thirties, people were getting nervous
(02:53):
because that's a really witching hour age. And even six
years ago when I met my ex, I felt older
and it was gonna be a problem. Now I'm even
in a different range. But ironically I'm more confident because
I feel like I know exactly where I am. I
know I'm established, and so the crop is smaller. But
it's like going into a store and knowing exactly what
(03:15):
you want versus going into a mass mall and having
no plans. So now I feel like it is interesting,
and for me, the equal or above thing is critical
based on my history, based on my negative experiences, and
I'm confident about it because of what I bring to
the table, where previously it was almost like an entitlement.
(03:36):
And a lot of women just want to meet someone
and think that they're going to walk in and Prince
Charming is gonna sweep them like pretty women. But that's
a fairy tale and that's a prescripted film. And obviously
these are blanket sweeping statements. There are pretty woman exceptions,
there are fairy tale exceptions. But if you're saying equal
or above, are you saying that from an accomplishment and
financial standpoint? When women are looking for men, they should
(04:00):
be looking for someone equal or above, Meaning you don't
think it's a great idea for someone to date someone
who has significantly less than them or drastically more like,
what should how should women be treating that aspect? Right?
Speaker 1 (04:16):
No, exactly.
Speaker 3 (04:17):
I think that for women who are well accomplished, who
have done big things, I think dating down is only
going to cause issues in the long term because then
later on. I've seen it time and time again where
men feel emasculated and they feel there's just something that happens.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
And what you know, men are like, no, it's not
a big deal, it's a big deal. They're really just.
Speaker 3 (04:35):
Trying to convince themselves, because at the end of the day,
a man wants to feel like they're the provider, they're
the protector. And I have yet to see a very
very successful woman with someone who you know, picked someone
wait further down than them and then it ended up
working out for them.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
I haven't seen it.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
You're just going by institutional knowledge, and I experienced it,
and there's a lot of data that I found out
afterwards and hearing from a lot of women that if
the woman and we and I always say every time
I'm on here, I'm like, I know, I'm setting women
back one hundred years. This is just what goes on.
And I'm sure you deal with a lot of that
now in twenty twenty four with the gender dynamics, and
I'll take all that heat here on the show. I'm
(05:12):
not putting it on you. I'm saying that I have
experienced and found out a lot since I opened up
this topic, that a gender disparity when the woman is
the moneyed partner, and it's significant. We're not talking about
if the woman's wealthy and the man's a different kind
of wealthy, or if he you know, one is a
scientist who's won awards all over the world, and then
(05:33):
that's a different version. But if it's a woman with
a man and they're justifying the fact that he's not
working anymore and he followed her for her career and
he's saying home, there are exceptions, but there is a
disparity and there becomes a power struggle and it comes
out in different ways. And I've had the exact same experience,
So it interestingly puts me in a position, for example,
(05:55):
where I'm being open about what I'm looking for, and
I think a lot of women don't want to be
honest about what they're looking for. They think they're going
to be thought of as a gold digger if they
want to be with someone who's smart and accomplished. But
I think that many women may not want to do
the work themselves. They just want to get that. They
(06:17):
want to sign up for that. And I think it's
a message for if someone if a woman wants a
man like that, that they should work on themselves and
work on their own career. Otherwise there'll be a disparity
in that direction too, where the woman doesn't have the
money and the man does. And then that also bleeds
out later.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
No, for sure.
Speaker 3 (06:33):
And I think what women tend to forget is that
if you have nothing, you bring nothing to the table
other than your looks, right, you have no real job
like whatever, And then you marry someone very, very wealthy,
you have to remember that if he leads you, like
what grounds do you stand?
Speaker 1 (06:49):
Like? Do you have financial stability to get back on
your feet?
Speaker 3 (06:53):
You know? These are things that I think in this
day and age, women are starting to think, Okay, hold on,
I should really have something going for my in case
things don't go right, I have something.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
To fall back on.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Well, that's what this conversation is helping. And that's what
I've been trying to say to young women because they're
being marketed fairy tales. They're being marketed the dress, the
multi billion dollar wedding business, but they're not being marketed
education on the relationship. And I do think you're an
ex I think I don't think that people think of
matchmakers as experts on relationships. I think they think of
them as connectors. But I actually, from having met a
(07:28):
few that are good, you know good, that it seems
like they're good or at least have a different perspective
and an expertise that you guys are experts on relationships too,
like because you're hearing all the stories of the people
that are coming to you about what didn't work out before.
Is that correct?
Speaker 1 (07:44):
Well, So I always say I'm a great dating coach.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
You know, I wrote a book and I talk about
how to attract the right guy and all those things.
To my book, I wouldn't say I'm a relationship expert.
I would say that I definitely understand what it's like
to be single and how to attract and how to
practice discernment intuition. And it's crazy how women don't realize
how intuitive they are.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
And I'm like, you have to use that when it
comes to dating.
Speaker 3 (08:06):
Your nervous system will always tell you if he's mister
right or mister wrong. As far as relationships go, of course,
I can speak on the successes of my business and
the people that are married, but you know, as far
as like, yeah, I definitely would say I'm a dating coach,
not a relationship coach.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
But if you're a dating coach and you get you
and you connect people that end up getting together and
they sustain, then it's not just about someone attracting and
getting because I could do that all day long. There's
got to be another piece where it's attracting the right
person that's right for you. So at least if you're
(08:42):
not a relationship coach and you are a dating coach,
but you're also like a connectivity right match coach, Like,
how do you know what's the right match for someone?
I mean, and how much is chemistry? How much is
like culture and background? How much is education philosophy?
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Can we talk about chemistry for a second.
Speaker 3 (09:04):
Yes, this is the biggest mistake I think people make
in dating is they will meet someone that there's so
much great chemistry with and then all of a sudden,
the rose colored glass come on right because the chemistry
is through the roof your heart's just and you're in
the like honeymoon phase. You're still like dating early stage,
(09:24):
and because there's so much chemistry, you're not even realizing
that it's actually not a match. You guys don't share
the same values whatsoever. You guys could never build together.
You guys should just have incredible chemistry and you just
have so much love for each other because it's like magnets,
you know. But we just have to remember that chemistry
doesn't equal compatibility.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
It's amazing. It's amazing because we were talking recently about chemistry,
compatibility and communication, and compatibility isn't discussed enough. And that's
(10:07):
I think. I always say, like, I'll get in the
wrong car and the car is going somewhere and I
knew that the sign was wrong, but I just got
in anyway. And I think it's the chemistry that gets
you in the wrong car, and then all of a
sudden it's the habits, the in laws, the culture, the job.
So when you're dating, how do you slow down the
game and not make it so clinical because you want
(10:29):
it to be sexy and you want there to be chemistry,
And how do you discern between the chemistry and the compatibility.
How do you make the compatibility sexy too?
Speaker 3 (10:39):
Well, I think the first thing is there has to
be chemistry. It cannot work if there's no chemistry. Great,
So it's kind of like, Okay, first, do we vibe?
Is there energy flow? Like do we just enjoy each
other's company? Is there chemistry? I always think that's the
first thing. Now, by the way, this is for someone
who you know doesn't have a matchmaker. This is for
someone who's just out there dating see if there's chemistry.
(11:01):
If there is, then let's ask intentional questions. Let's peel
the layer of the onion to really see do we
view the world in the same way?
Speaker 1 (11:10):
Could we build something together?
Speaker 3 (11:12):
So what that looks like is politics, religion, especially if
you want to raise children together. Another big one I
would say is you know what do you value? What
is your lifestyle? Because the number one reason for divorce
is financial differences and financial struggles, and so how someone
spends their money could be a huge factor to whether
(11:34):
or not that you guys are a compatible match. You
can have the craziest chemistry in the world, but you
spend your money so differently, and one person values such
different things on how they want to spend their money.
Speaker 1 (11:44):
That it affects the relationship.
Speaker 3 (11:46):
But it's constantly a struggle, like how you want to vacate,
you know, how often do you want to vacate? Or
do you spend all your money on you know, shopping
or you know.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
So the money stuff has to get out of the
way fairly soon without being too aggressive, like it just
has to cut naturally, Like I like to shop, and
I like to go to Europe, and I like to
ski and like that type of stuff, Like the superficiality
needs to come forward because then there becomes judgment, right.
Speaker 3 (12:10):
I definitely think lifestyles a huge one. Like, for example,
if someone spends all their money on traveling to go
to mountains to go hiking, and that is where the
hiking equipment's expensive, and they spend all their money on that,
and that means nothing to you. You don't value it whatsoever,
and you're more the kind of person who wants to
go travel to Europe and enjoy nex dinners or go shopping.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
Like that's not a compatible fit.
Speaker 3 (12:33):
Like even if the chemistry is great, like you guys
are going to constantly argue about where the money's going.
Speaker 2 (12:37):
Well, this is interesting. So I was speaking to someone
the other day that is a very successful person, I
mean by global standards, a very successful person, and they
are an extrovert and he, you know, you could tell
that he's like traveling all over the world and doing
interesting things, and you could tell he's a people person.
(12:59):
And I feel that women often want to like pretend.
I'm thinking of one woman that I know of who's
married some major men, and her reputation within a very
small circle is that she kind of is the one
who will be like, oh I like that too, or
I do that too, et cetera. And there's a fine
delicate balance in letting someone know how you're different from them,
(13:21):
because you want to make sure that that's not a
red flag for them. Because while it's interesting to quote
unquote get and capture someone who seems great or good
looking or successful, I'm not interested in the wrong car
that I'm getting into or someone's getting into the wrong
car over here. Like I'll say I'm ninety five percent homebody,
five percent lunatic, because I want someone to know that
(13:41):
if they're going out every night and want to entertain
and do things in big groups and go on six,
you know, couple vacations, that's not my personality. So how
much in the beginning are you supposed to like combine
you know, captivating and capturing and being honest, you know,
because also opposites. You could also point out that ipposites
do attract. So it doesn't mean we're supposed to be
(14:02):
the same exact person. There can only be There should
only be one peacock in a relationship, in my opinion,
So it doesn't mean you need two peacocks, But how
much are you supposed to go through that?
Speaker 1 (14:10):
Wait? Wait, can we the peacock theory?
Speaker 2 (14:12):
Let's hear go.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
I call it the rock star theory. Where there's a
star and a rock.
Speaker 3 (14:17):
Someone's super stable, more low key, you know, more in
the background, and then the star and like the rock
star couple is always thriving.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
It just worked.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
Wow, that's so the rock and the star interesting theory. Interesting.
Speaker 1 (14:32):
I do different couples.
Speaker 3 (14:33):
When I'm out in a bow, and I always like
an analyze, like who's the rock, who's the star, and
then like my girlfriends and I will recapin like, oh,
that was definitely the star.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
He's definitely the rock, like and it worked.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
Wow? Okay, but how but what if there's one person
who's like the star and then the other person's boring
and the star needs like light, you know what I mean?
What about the one person Doman Rock.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
Doesn't have to be boring.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
He just doesn't mind letting the star being a light,
letting her shine. He's not a bored I don't know.
He came funny and adventurous and all the things, but
he's more of the I don't need to be in
the light.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
Like you got it, you know.
Speaker 2 (15:07):
So how much of your crazy should you show early?
Speaker 1 (15:10):
How much crazy? Okay?
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (15:11):
Wait, so going back to that question, So, here's the thing.
Speaker 3 (15:15):
When you for your friend that's always agreeing like oh yeah,
me too, me too, here's the thing.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
You can put it on that phase for only so long.
Speaker 3 (15:23):
At one point that person is going to use their
intuition and say something doesn't feel right, you know, like
she agrees with everything I say. And you need to
be authentic when you're dating. If you were not authentic
and you were agreeing with everything saying that you also
enjoy doing the same things when you really don't, that
is doing you such a disservice because, like you said,
you get in the wrong car, and that's that's like
(15:46):
blocking you from meeting the right person where you genuinely
do have all those things in common.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
So I think being authentic is the ultimate advice I
would give.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
Okay, and where are you? We've talked about sex on
here and to me, to me, I feel like the
game the rules. Men can see through them if they're
not being authentic, Like if a woman is just let's
say a woman's really getting intimate with someone, but they're
just going to withhold sex, but the guy knows they
really are just making that rule for themselves, and the
(16:17):
woman's like really being methodical and playing the game. I
think that is as much of a turn off as
someone like playing fast and loose too early, Like don't
I think that someone should exude confidence, and it can
come in many ways, but it doesn't mean like you
do this, you don't do this. So where are you
on sex? Do you think that someone should do what
they actually want? Or you think there should be some
(16:39):
version of a game and a rule, like where are
you on sex?
Speaker 3 (16:43):
I really think that there's no number or no timeline
of like this is the rule when it comes to sex.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
However, what I will say is.
Speaker 3 (16:52):
That it does complicate things when you have sex too early,
because it blurs kind of like the rose colored glasses.
If the sex is through the roof and you're having
a grand time and you're like, wow, this is my
compatible partner in this way, but none of the other
stuff makes sense. You might end up sticking around a
little too long because it's the wrong car, but it
drives really well. So I think waiting and really getting
(17:13):
to know that person first is just the best approach.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
Well, that's back to your discussion about chemistry. You're saying
the same thing you're saying, you're lying on the chemistry.
It's clouding you. But you don't think in twenty twenty
four that someone's judging someone for having sex if they're
adults and like they're attracted to each other. Like it's
like we're you know that someone's judging Oh, she's slept
with me on the first date, she's promiscuous, or he's
(17:36):
a player or anything like that.
Speaker 3 (17:38):
Now, I think in this day and age, we hear
so many one off exceptions of well we met, we had,
you know, sex on the first day and whatever. Like
I've heard that so many times now where I'm like,
there's an exception to the rule.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
Is it best practice?
Speaker 3 (17:51):
No? Would any matchmaker dating coach say that's best practice?
Speaker 1 (17:54):
No?
Speaker 2 (17:55):
Right?
Speaker 1 (17:55):
So, And I think just
Speaker 3 (17:56):
Like taking the time to really get to know someone,
it's just you're better off for it because then you're
you're not wearing the roast colored glasses.
Hello, Hi, how are you. I'm doing good? How are you?
Speaker 2 (00:17):
I'm good? This is Talia. We met. She is an author,
a dating coach, and a matchmaker. Crazy that your last
name is we Met do a lot? I mean everyone
comments on that, right, that you're a matchmaker and your
last name is we met. Tell me people comment on that.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
All the time.
Speaker 3 (00:31):
Well, the company, yeah, we Met through Italia, was birth
for my name. I feel like I was born to
do this.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Oh that you are companies called we Met?
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Yeah, the company is called we Met through Italian. It's
my last name.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Oh that's brilliant. Okay, I didn't know that. I just
because I didn't know how to pronounce your last name.
I guess it is like French like we met, but
it's wow. Okay, Well that's interesting. We met through Talia. Okay.
So you are a high end matchmaker, which is a
fascinating business. Would you call yourself a high end matchmaker?
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Yes, of course, it's only high end, only.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
High end matchmaking. Okay. So do you ever get any
pushback or hate in that there's like an elitism to
women wanting to marry a wealthy man. You know the
old statement that moms say it's just as easy to
marry a rich man as a poor man. So where
do you stand on a that statement? And if you
(01:25):
ever get any pushback, like people being like, oh what
about someone's hard and it's not just about money and
superficial and things like that.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
You know, I don't really have much to say on it.
Speaker 3 (01:33):
If someone is a female and they're doing really well,
I think wanting equal above just makes sense. Now for
someone who has new ambition in life, who you know,
doesn't work or anything like that, who wants someone wildly successful,
I think that's a little questionable.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
That's interesting. Okay, So that's an interesting take and an
interesting nuance that we haven't discussed here yet. I love
to find the pieces of the puzzle for the people
listening because they're getting you know, you could be six
figures for someone to hire you to match them, and
they're getting this for free here. And so I like
to give advice and notes that are accessible to all.
(02:12):
You know, not everybody can go into Chanelle, including me,
and get a bag, but you know, people can have
game when they go out and date and look for
someone equal or above is what you said. So it's
funny because in this new dating era where I remember
being in my twenties and wanting to like lock up
my life by twenty six when I got married the
(02:33):
first time. And I remember in my late thirties getting
into a relationship because I felt some sort of a pressure.
And it depends on where you are and the people
you're surrounding yourself with, and you're kind of comparing yourself
to that. So in my twenties, the whole group was
getting married at twenty five, twenty four, twenty six, and
like then in my late thirties, people were getting nervous
(02:53):
because that's a really witching hour age. And even six
years ago when I met my ex, I felt older
and it was gonna be a problem. Now I'm even
in a different range. But ironically I'm more confident because
I feel like I know exactly where I am. I
know I'm established, and so the crop is smaller. But
it's like going into a store and knowing exactly what
(03:15):
you want versus going into a mass mall and having
no plans. So now I feel like it is interesting,
and for me, the equal or above thing is critical
based on my history, based on my negative experiences, and
I'm confident about it because of what I bring to
the table, where previously it was almost like an entitlement.
(03:36):
And a lot of women just want to meet someone
and think that they're going to walk in and Prince
Charming is gonna sweep them like pretty women. But that's
a fairy tale and that's a prescripted film. And obviously
these are blanket sweeping statements. There are pretty woman exceptions,
there are fairy tale exceptions. But if you're saying equal
or above, are you saying that from an accomplishment and
financial standpoint? When women are looking for men, they should
(04:00):
be looking for someone equal or above, Meaning you don't
think it's a great idea for someone to date someone
who has significantly less than them or drastically more like,
what should how should women be treating that aspect? Right?
Speaker 1 (04:16):
No, exactly.
Speaker 3 (04:17):
I think that for women who are well accomplished, who
have done big things, I think dating down is only
going to cause issues in the long term because then
later on. I've seen it time and time again where
men feel emasculated and they feel there's just something that happens.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
And what you know, men are like, no, it's not
a big deal, it's a big deal. They're really just.
Speaker 3 (04:35):
Trying to convince themselves, because at the end of the day,
a man wants to feel like they're the provider, they're
the protector. And I have yet to see a very
very successful woman with someone who you know, picked someone
wait further down than them and then it ended up
working out for them.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
I haven't seen it.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
You're just going by institutional knowledge, and I experienced it,
and there's a lot of data that I found out
afterwards and hearing from a lot of women that if
the woman and we and I always say every time
I'm on here, I'm like, I know, I'm setting women
back one hundred years. This is just what goes on.
And I'm sure you deal with a lot of that
now in twenty twenty four with the gender dynamics, and
I'll take all that heat here on the show. I'm
(05:12):
not putting it on you. I'm saying that I have
experienced and found out a lot since I opened up
this topic, that a gender disparity when the woman is
the moneyed partner, and it's significant. We're not talking about
if the woman's wealthy and the man's a different kind
of wealthy, or if he you know, one is a
scientist who's won awards all over the world, and then
(05:33):
that's a different version. But if it's a woman with
a man and they're justifying the fact that he's not
working anymore and he followed her for her career and
he's saying home, there are exceptions, but there is a
disparity and there becomes a power struggle and it comes
out in different ways. And I've had the exact same experience,
So it interestingly puts me in a position, for example,
(05:55):
where I'm being open about what I'm looking for, and
I think a lot of women don't want to be
honest about what they're looking for. They think they're going
to be thought of as a gold digger if they
want to be with someone who's smart and accomplished. But
I think that many women may not want to do
the work themselves. They just want to get that. They
(06:17):
want to sign up for that. And I think it's
a message for if someone if a woman wants a
man like that, that they should work on themselves and
work on their own career. Otherwise there'll be a disparity
in that direction too, where the woman doesn't have the
money and the man does. And then that also bleeds
out later.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
No, for sure.
Speaker 3 (06:33):
And I think what women tend to forget is that
if you have nothing, you bring nothing to the table
other than your looks, right, you have no real job
like whatever, And then you marry someone very, very wealthy,
you have to remember that if he leads you, like
what grounds do you stand?
Speaker 1 (06:49):
Like? Do you have financial stability to get back on
your feet?
Speaker 3 (06:53):
You know? These are things that I think in this
day and age, women are starting to think, Okay, hold on,
I should really have something going for my in case
things don't go right, I have something.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
To fall back on.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Well, that's what this conversation is helping. And that's what
I've been trying to say to young women because they're
being marketed fairy tales. They're being marketed the dress, the
multi billion dollar wedding business, but they're not being marketed
education on the relationship. And I do think you're an
ex I think I don't think that people think of
matchmakers as experts on relationships. I think they think of
them as connectors. But I actually, from having met a
(07:28):
few that are good, you know good, that it seems
like they're good or at least have a different perspective
and an expertise that you guys are experts on relationships too,
like because you're hearing all the stories of the people
that are coming to you about what didn't work out before.
Is that correct?
Speaker 1 (07:44):
Well, So I always say I'm a great dating coach.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
You know, I wrote a book and I talk about
how to attract the right guy and all those things.
To my book, I wouldn't say I'm a relationship expert.
I would say that I definitely understand what it's like
to be single and how to attract and how to
practice discernment intuition. And it's crazy how women don't realize
how intuitive they are.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
And I'm like, you have to use that when it
comes to dating.
Speaker 3 (08:06):
Your nervous system will always tell you if he's mister
right or mister wrong. As far as relationships go, of course,
I can speak on the successes of my business and
the people that are married, but you know, as far
as like, yeah, I definitely would say I'm a dating coach,
not a relationship coach.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
But if you're a dating coach and you get you
and you connect people that end up getting together and
they sustain, then it's not just about someone attracting and
getting because I could do that all day long. There's
got to be another piece where it's attracting the right
person that's right for you. So at least if you're
(08:42):
not a relationship coach and you are a dating coach,
but you're also like a connectivity right match coach, Like,
how do you know what's the right match for someone?
I mean, and how much is chemistry? How much is
like culture and background? How much is education philosophy?
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Can we talk about chemistry for a second.
Speaker 3 (09:04):
Yes, this is the biggest mistake I think people make
in dating is they will meet someone that there's so
much great chemistry with and then all of a sudden,
the rose colored glass come on right because the chemistry
is through the roof your heart's just and you're in
the like honeymoon phase. You're still like dating early stage,
(09:24):
and because there's so much chemistry, you're not even realizing
that it's actually not a match. You guys don't share
the same values whatsoever. You guys could never build together.
You guys should just have incredible chemistry and you just
have so much love for each other because it's like magnets,
you know. But we just have to remember that chemistry
doesn't equal compatibility.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
It's amazing. It's amazing because we were talking recently about chemistry,
compatibility and communication, and compatibility isn't discussed enough. And that's
(10:07):
I think. I always say, like, I'll get in the
wrong car and the car is going somewhere and I
knew that the sign was wrong, but I just got
in anyway. And I think it's the chemistry that gets
you in the wrong car, and then all of a
sudden it's the habits, the in laws, the culture, the job.
So when you're dating, how do you slow down the
game and not make it so clinical because you want
(10:29):
it to be sexy and you want there to be chemistry,
And how do you discern between the chemistry and the compatibility.
How do you make the compatibility sexy too?
Speaker 3 (10:39):
Well, I think the first thing is there has to
be chemistry. It cannot work if there's no chemistry. Great,
So it's kind of like, Okay, first, do we vibe?
Is there energy flow? Like do we just enjoy each
other's company? Is there chemistry? I always think that's the
first thing. Now, by the way, this is for someone
who you know doesn't have a matchmaker. This is for
someone who's just out there dating see if there's chemistry.
(11:01):
If there is, then let's ask intentional questions. Let's peel
the layer of the onion to really see do we
view the world in the same way?
Speaker 1 (11:10):
Could we build something together?
Speaker 3 (11:12):
So what that looks like is politics, religion, especially if
you want to raise children together. Another big one I
would say is you know what do you value? What
is your lifestyle? Because the number one reason for divorce
is financial differences and financial struggles, and so how someone
spends their money could be a huge factor to whether
(11:34):
or not that you guys are a compatible match. You
can have the craziest chemistry in the world, but you
spend your money so differently, and one person values such
different things on how they want to spend their money.
Speaker 1 (11:44):
That it affects the relationship.
Speaker 3 (11:46):
But it's constantly a struggle, like how you want to vacate,
you know, how often do you want to vacate? Or
do you spend all your money on you know, shopping
or you know.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
So the money stuff has to get out of the
way fairly soon without being too aggressive, like it just
has to cut naturally, Like I like to shop, and
I like to go to Europe, and I like to
ski and like that type of stuff, Like the superficiality
needs to come forward because then there becomes judgment, right.
Speaker 3 (12:10):
I definitely think lifestyles a huge one. Like, for example,
if someone spends all their money on traveling to go
to mountains to go hiking, and that is where the
hiking equipment's expensive, and they spend all their money on that,
and that means nothing to you. You don't value it whatsoever,
and you're more the kind of person who wants to
go travel to Europe and enjoy nex dinners or go shopping.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
Like that's not a compatible fit.
Speaker 3 (12:33):
Like even if the chemistry is great, like you guys
are going to constantly argue about where the money's going.
Speaker 2 (12:37):
Well, this is interesting. So I was speaking to someone
the other day that is a very successful person, I
mean by global standards, a very successful person, and they
are an extrovert and he, you know, you could tell
that he's like traveling all over the world and doing
interesting things, and you could tell he's a people person.
(12:59):
And I feel that women often want to like pretend.
I'm thinking of one woman that I know of who's
married some major men, and her reputation within a very
small circle is that she kind of is the one
who will be like, oh I like that too, or
I do that too, et cetera. And there's a fine
delicate balance in letting someone know how you're different from them,
(13:21):
because you want to make sure that that's not a
red flag for them. Because while it's interesting to quote
unquote get and capture someone who seems great or good
looking or successful, I'm not interested in the wrong car
that I'm getting into or someone's getting into the wrong
car over here. Like I'll say I'm ninety five percent homebody,
five percent lunatic, because I want someone to know that
(13:41):
if they're going out every night and want to entertain
and do things in big groups and go on six,
you know, couple vacations, that's not my personality. So how
much in the beginning are you supposed to like combine
you know, captivating and capturing and being honest, you know,
because also opposites. You could also point out that ipposites
do attract. So it doesn't mean we're supposed to be
(14:02):
the same exact person. There can only be There should
only be one peacock in a relationship, in my opinion,
So it doesn't mean you need two peacocks, But how
much are you supposed to go through that?
Speaker 1 (14:10):
Wait? Wait, can we the peacock theory?
Speaker 2 (14:12):
Let's hear go.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
I call it the rock star theory. Where there's a
star and a rock.
Speaker 3 (14:17):
Someone's super stable, more low key, you know, more in
the background, and then the star and like the rock
star couple is always thriving.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
It just worked.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
Wow, that's so the rock and the star interesting theory. Interesting.
Speaker 1 (14:32):
I do different couples.
Speaker 3 (14:33):
When I'm out in a bow, and I always like
an analyze, like who's the rock, who's the star, and
then like my girlfriends and I will recapin like, oh,
that was definitely the star.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
He's definitely the rock, like and it worked.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
Wow? Okay, but how but what if there's one person
who's like the star and then the other person's boring
and the star needs like light, you know what I mean?
What about the one person Doman Rock.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
Doesn't have to be boring.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
He just doesn't mind letting the star being a light,
letting her shine. He's not a bored I don't know.
He came funny and adventurous and all the things, but
he's more of the I don't need to be in
the light.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
Like you got it, you know.
Speaker 2 (15:07):
So how much of your crazy should you show early?
Speaker 1 (15:10):
How much crazy? Okay?
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (15:11):
Wait, so going back to that question, So, here's the thing.
Speaker 3 (15:15):
When you for your friend that's always agreeing like oh yeah,
me too, me too, here's the thing.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
You can put it on that phase for only so long.
Speaker 3 (15:23):
At one point that person is going to use their
intuition and say something doesn't feel right, you know, like
she agrees with everything I say. And you need to
be authentic when you're dating. If you were not authentic
and you were agreeing with everything saying that you also
enjoy doing the same things when you really don't, that
is doing you such a disservice because, like you said,
you get in the wrong car, and that's that's like
(15:46):
blocking you from meeting the right person where you genuinely
do have all those things in common.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
So I think being authentic is the ultimate advice I
would give.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
Okay, and where are you? We've talked about sex on
here and to me, to me, I feel like the
game the rules. Men can see through them if they're
not being authentic, Like if a woman is just let's
say a woman's really getting intimate with someone, but they're
just going to withhold sex, but the guy knows they
really are just making that rule for themselves, and the
(16:17):
woman's like really being methodical and playing the game. I
think that is as much of a turn off as
someone like playing fast and loose too early, Like don't
I think that someone should exude confidence, and it can
come in many ways, but it doesn't mean like you
do this, you don't do this. So where are you
on sex? Do you think that someone should do what
they actually want? Or you think there should be some
(16:39):
version of a game and a rule, like where are
you on sex?
Speaker 3 (16:43):
I really think that there's no number or no timeline
of like this is the rule when it comes to sex.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
However, what I will say is.
Speaker 3 (16:52):
That it does complicate things when you have sex too early,
because it blurs kind of like the rose colored glasses.
If the sex is through the roof and you're having
a grand time and you're like, wow, this is my
compatible partner in this way, but none of the other
stuff makes sense. You might end up sticking around a
little too long because it's the wrong car, but it
drives really well. So I think waiting and really getting
(17:13):
to know that person first is just the best approach.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
Well, that's back to your discussion about chemistry. You're saying
the same thing you're saying, you're lying on the chemistry.
It's clouding you. But you don't think in twenty twenty
four that someone's judging someone for having sex if they're
adults and like they're attracted to each other. Like it's
like we're you know that someone's judging Oh, she's slept
with me on the first date, she's promiscuous, or he's
(17:36):
a player or anything like that.
Speaker 3 (17:38):
Now, I think in this day and age, we hear
so many one off exceptions of well we met, we had,
you know, sex on the first day and whatever. Like
I've heard that so many times now where I'm like,
there's an exception to the rule.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
Is it best practice?
Speaker 3 (17:51):
No? Would any matchmaker dating coach say that's best practice?
Speaker 1 (17:54):
No?
Speaker 2 (17:55):
Right?
Speaker 1 (17:55):
So, And I think just
Speaker 3 (17:56):
Like taking the time to really get to know someone,
it's just you're better off for it because then you're
you're not wearing the roast colored glasses.
Host
Bethenny Frankel
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