September 4, 2025 • 20 mins
Dating is fun if you know how to say NO.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:12):
Dating texting is insufferable. You don't know how to manage
a conversation with a stranger, okay, because you don't want
to go too deep and you don't want to be
too light. So it's like, hey, how you doing. How's
your weekend? Mine's great, how about you?
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Web surfing? Did whatever?
Speaker 1 (00:29):
My three kids just went off the co All right,
that's enough, buddy, that's too much, you know what I mean,
I've gone too far.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
But it's like this is good.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Well, I'm in Rhode Island for the weekend, having a
great time. The weather has been beautiful. Some little thing
you give, like some little thing I traveled too much.
I wish it was longer, some little thing that showed
Like I said to someone like it's been choppy, because
my summer's been choppy. And then someone else said, oh
my god, mine has been too. We don't need to
get into it. We don't need to get into their
their ex wife or my you know, freakin' dehydration problem.
(00:59):
But like, it's been shoppy for different reasons. We'll discuss
that if we ever get on a date. But it's
just like saying a little more than nothing, because what
you can't do is the volley of the tennis ball,
back and forth about no, oh, nice, great?
Speaker 2 (01:11):
When the okay? So you go back and forth a little.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
Then you might want to ask a question you can
only be about you because I ask a question about you.
You can't only be about you. You have to ask
a question about them. You have to be It's like
being in person. You have to be like where do
you live? Like you could say some what par but
not like where It sounds like you're just trying to
do like investigative reporting. I would say something like I'm
in Florida in the moment, but I do spend a
(01:35):
lot of the summer in New York.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Why do I say that?
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Because I don't want someone to be intimidated by me
being in Florida and they think I'm out of the game,
like I'm out of the game with them, So letting
them know I'm flexible to be. So you're moving the
ball forward. You're letting them know a little bit about
you without them realizing you are. And then like someone
might be like, well, I spend time here and there,
my son goes to school at blah blah blah. Okay,
person as a son, it's pretty critical to get a
(01:58):
read on how many kids somebody he hasn't what ages
they are. Okay, from experience, people don't want if you've
or you're out of the woods. You really don't want
someone with a two year old. Like it's just like
it's not ideal. Sorry, if you have a two year old,
don't feel bad. Just date someone else with a four
year old, six year old, Okay, just it's just gonna
be easier. But then there comes a point where the
(02:20):
volley becomes penpaling and you really don't know. And someone
I know says, men are really insecure and they really
want reinforcement. So one guy was a super catch and
had said want to get together before or after Labor Day?
This was on an app and I said, here's my number,
and then we never went over there, so I was like,
was that two four? We're like, I don't want to
(02:40):
be over here in this weird app that I'm never on.
But then another guy we took it to phone number
and that became a better conversation cause you kind of
want to get out of like just the volley zone.
You want to get into something more about like who
you are, Like, Okay, let's put it this way. This
person mentioned someplace where they spend time, So you want
(03:04):
to like have an analysis of that and add something
to it if you've ever been there, or would you
like to go there, but give something about yourself. I've
met people that do not like the beach. They do
not like the beach, They do not want to go
in the water. Get the fuck out of here, Like
what like we need to know that right before we
know how many kids you have, because I have no
interest in that. Like, it doesn't mean I have to
(03:26):
do a family that praise together, stays together. I need
to stay with someone, be with someone every second. But like,
if someone doesn't like the beach, we're going to have
a problem, Like we're fighting.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
So I might say I'm a beach person. I love
blah blah blah.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
Then it could inspire someone else to say, oh, I
really like to be on the golf course. Now I
know they golf. That's a decision. Maybe I golf, Maybe
I want to take up golf. Maybe I don't golf.
Maybe I don't like golfers. Maybe I don't like the pants,
the hours, the golf courts, the people. Whatever. It's just
like you want to give an indication of yourself and
be honest about it, because you don't want to lock
them in based on something that you're not. You don't
(04:02):
want to be hard and fast like, oh, I only
like the beach, But you might want to give an
indication of something that makes you happy. And those are
the things that would really make someone interested in you,
because at a certain age, someone's not just like I
want to have sex with you because you're hot. It's
not that. That's a different story. If someone is in
a place where they might want to be in a relationship,
if they want to get an understanding of how you vibe.
(04:23):
They've been through it. They've been possibly married, divorced, breakups, makeups, heartbreak,
they've done the work, they've made the mistakes. They don't
want to get in the road of someone who wants
to live on a golf course or is a cat
person if they're a dog person. So try to get
the things out in and not I'm obsessed with you,
I'm your girlfriend type of way, and a real subtle
(04:45):
Oh it's nice here at this time of the year,
because I really do enjoy my walking on the beach.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Oh yeah, I went there.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
They have great restaurants, like anecdote will throw it in
see if you get a bite, then you see if
you have a rhythm, if there's something there. Guys will say,
what are you looking for? I'm like you to be
in a closet hidden for me, because I'm not looking
for you. I'm looking for somebody else in another closet, Like,
don't get so deep. Don't ask me about my hopes
(05:12):
and dreams right now, that's too much. We'll get there,
Like I'll show you what I'm looking for by what
I'm saying, but don't ask me that the first second.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
It's creepy, it's cringey.
Speaker 1 (05:23):
You know, you might if you're on an app, you
might want them to realize you're hopeful that you've done
this before, that you haven't been on the app in
a long time. Don't lie, but be like this can
be a positive place. Like when I first was on
apps years ago, I wanted to like tell everybody that
I had never been on like I was sort of
embarrassed about it. And it's honestly not embarrassing, especially if
you don't leave the house. It's just embarrassing because it's
(05:46):
a lot of losers. So anyway, don't pimpal, don't volley,
but don't offer up too much information. If you don't
(06:07):
love it, you don't like it. It's so helpful for everything.
Is it a house, is it a car? Is it
a guy? Is it a girl? Is it an opportunity?
Is it a business? Is it a drink? Is it
a vacation spot? Is it an idea?
Speaker 2 (06:20):
Anything? If you don't love it, you don't like it.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
So I have merely considered going out with some guys
that someone is like, oh it'll be fun, or are
they hot, or like they're ten years younger. And I
did go to dinner with this guy, but I wasn't
a date.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
What the fuck?
Speaker 1 (06:37):
I'm never doing that. I'm never doing that because I'm
not gonna want to be eighty two with someone seventy two.
It's just not happening, Okay, So don't go, dumb, dumb,
don't go. So I now have gone so long without
really dating that I have said, if I don't love it,
I don't like it. So now it's gotten really strict.
(06:58):
So someone wanted to set me up with someone lives
in two cities that I don't visit, that I have
no connection to that I don't vibe with I don't
want to ever live there.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
You know.
Speaker 1 (07:08):
It's not like you're twenty two and you might be
moving to Austin or something like that, although Austin would
be cool.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
Am I moving to Cleveland?
Speaker 1 (07:15):
Now? The horses left the barn. I'm ingrained in what
I like and what I know. And it's a vibe.
It's not just the people in a place. It's a vibe.
It's the energy. It's the group that goes there. It's
a culture. It's gonna be a reach, it's gonna be
changing everything, it's gonna be lonely. I just don't want that.
Well I look into it. Yeah, that's one piece of
the puzzle. If everything else was great when I consider
(07:37):
Monticello and Chicago combination, yes, but everything else has to
be great. So I'm running into this thing where someone
will come and be like, this guy is very good looking,
has all his hair, he's tall, he's extraordinarily successful. But
he has six children and one is eight, one is twelve.
I'm like, immediately, no, I don't want six children. And
(08:00):
it'll be six children, but like four or out of
the house. Okay, what does that mean? They like live
in Zaiere, like they're still the kids, Like my friends
who have twenty four year old kids are still like
on the teat in some way doesn't have to meet financially,
but they're kids.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
You know. It's not like the dust and the Wind.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Now, if it was someone with six kids and they're
all out of the house and the person is lives
in New York and likes Florida, likes the Hampton's, like, yes,
would I possibly consider it? Yes, because it's like one
puzzle piece that is telling to me. But I don't
want to have like seven kids on a vacation and
that's just my own. And again, like I'm not too picky.
(08:37):
I don't want that. It's like saying you don't want steak,
you want chicken tonight, you're too picky.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
Fuck off. I don't want it, I don't want to
eat it, and I don't love it. I don't like it.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
So now it's so much easier when you're discerning because
you don't get full on the crap. You don't spin
your wheels on stupidity. You're so strict, But it makes
you laser focus that you could see it when it
comes because you're not all like oh, I hate it.
I don't want to do this anymore. You're just like,
I'm just being strict. I'm not doing it until it's
worth doing. I'm not liking it until I love it.
(09:09):
So I am starting to date because I've seen something
that makes me want to go.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
So my thing is, I'm not going unless we're going.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
I'm not going unless I am leaping out of bed
to go, excited to go. The boxes are checked. So
I got a live one. I got a live one,
and if I like it, I'll tell you I like it,
and then we're gonna stay quiet for a while, as
you all would want from me. But I'm just gonna
(09:41):
tell you I got a live one.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
If I hear another person say age is just a number,
In case you're wondering, age is not just a number.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
Age is an age. It is not just a number.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
How do I know this Because when I was in
my twenties living in LA I was dating people that
were sometimes fifteen years older than I am. So if
I was twenty three and I was dating someone thirty,
not that old. Maybe like thirty eight, Yeah that was possible.
Twenty four, thirty nine was totally possible. Twenty five, okay, forty,
(10:17):
whatever was totally possible.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
Right.
Speaker 1 (10:21):
The reason age is not just a number is because
now those people are over seventy. So age is not
just a number. Age is and age they're over seventy,
we are going in one direction, like we are getting older.
So I do not believe it's just a number. I
believe it's a fact and it's a truth. And when
(10:43):
I think about my age, I think my age, my stage.
I think about where I'm at in my life. I
think about the fact that in dating someone said to me, oh,
if you start dating, would you stop, like if you
really like this guy. I'm like, no, there's no stopping
until we found the person, because we ain't got that
(11:05):
kind of time. Now. Why because age is not just
a number. Age is an age. My age is my age.
It happens to be a number, but it is not
just a number. It is a fact and a truth,
a milestone, a touchstone, a judgment zone. I mean, it
is how people define other people. Oh they look good
for their age. So I don't know why, I'm just
(11:29):
thinking about the fact when I talk about age. Regina
King was talking about losing her son and how it
made her more present. And my girlfriend today had two
like scares on her body that she's going to get
checked out, and she's just like wow, and a lot
of things have been happening with her, just different things,
and I was like, it's the age, Like I think
it's the age because it's just like things are happening.
(11:49):
So I was thinking about Regina King saying she is present,
and I was thinking about when my friend was going
through this, she was like, you just you know, you
have to be grateful, or she said something about treasure
every day or something, and I was thinking about Regina
King and being present, because it's true, if you go
through something, you're gonna be more present. It doesn't mean
we have to be hang gliding and I have to
be climbing up you know, a fucking mountain, I Kilimanjaro
(12:12):
or anything. I think it just means be present. And
I really have tried to be more present, even in
things like if I don't sleep. It used to run
my life whether I slept, I didn't sleep, I slept
this many hours, I slept that many I even had
a sleep app asleep tracker.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
What the fuck is that gonna do?
Speaker 1 (12:26):
Just gonna yell at me and tell me I slept
in sleep no shit, Like what am I gonna do?
We can't go back now, Like I know that I
should be in better early, Like it's not looking at
the tracker, is it going to do anything. I know
that maybe having a glass of wine at eleven o'clock
at night is not my best choice, but some you know,
fuck it. Sometimes I like the way it feels to
be alone, like snacking around the house. The point is
(12:47):
being present is like today I got on my yoga Matt,
and I always am most grateful when I do yoga.
There's no no place a beach walk but yoga. I
will thank myself. I will sit and I will say
I am grateful, and I think myself for doing this.
I felt present And I've been taking baths that have
been lasting longer, which says to me, I'm being present
(13:07):
because I'm not just taking the baths to take the
baths to rush out. It's like, let me just lay
here for a while and dissolve in here and sometimes
even like almost fall asleep. So let's talk about divorce
(13:30):
and custody time sharing.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
I've talked about this before.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
When your kids are young and you're about to go
through a breakup, or you have already gone through a breakup,
or the split has begun. Your mind will play tricks
on you. You have imprinted on your child and vice
versa or children, and you think that it will be
(13:57):
like that forever. People tell you a people tell you
it's different. You just don't have the capacity to understand that.
When your child is a teenager, they enter the witness
Protection program and have no idea who you are and
won't acknowledge your presence. So my daughter and I are
very close, like very very close. It's well documented, and
(14:18):
we travel together. We're together a lot. We live for
each other. She will text me like she's in love
with me during the day, I can't wait to see you, Mama,
love Mama.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
And then she'll get home and.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
I'll be hi, mama, and wealha going to be amazing
because she's like a dysfunctional relationship with a man where
we love each other. We've had amazing times together. Then
she texts, gives such good texts and she gets in
the house. Is the amazing hug. We connect, we latch,
and then she walks into a room and I don't
see her again. For days, like not days, but like hours.
(14:51):
And I'm just saying that that happens with multiple teenagers,
where a mom just wants a fucking glass of wine
in a moment of silence, just wants her kids to
have plants so she can make her own, but doesn't
want to say go have plans, just wants tonight to herself,
just want tonight out, just wants a vacation, et cetera.
Your life will become very different once the kids are older,
(15:12):
but when you're going through it, it's almost like after
you have a baby, when you're super emotional and your
hormones haven't gotten back to normal. Your hormones, your emotions,
everything changes under severe stress and duress of a divorce,
and you are panicked and you think that you won't
get time with your kid. This is the end of
the world. They're gonna forget you, they're gonna love the
(15:35):
other parent more. They go to the other parent's house,
they buy them all the stuff, and you can't keep
up and you can't compete, and you are in a vacuum.
It's no different than you being madly in love with
someone breaking up with them, not being able to imagine
life without them and then one day you don't even
think about them anymore, meaning both of those things were real.
(15:56):
Both of those things were real. So the feeling you
have towards your kid and not want it to be
apart from them, it is one hundred percent real, but
it is fairly fleeting, which is why when people obsess
over the time, the custody time and a divorce, like
you could be battling over something and you're giving up
on one thing but not the other thing.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
It's just a couple of years.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
Decision making is more important, as I've discussed, but I
mention this because when you have to work and you
have to travel, and you want to have a social
life and you want to go on a date, you
need time for yourself. So you're not going to be
with your kid all the time. When they're young, or
when you're coming out of a divorce, you feel more.
I mean, if you're a good parent, you feel more
attached to your kid and you want that bonding. And
(16:37):
also people displace the love that they had in the
relationship or the security and the relationship and they then
put it on the child.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
So you're clinging to your child more. You want your
child's love more.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
You're more codependent with your child because you're going through
a traumatic time and this is a family member that
you love, so you're afraid. And like anything else, if
a parent's dying, if somebody else sick, if you're going
through a hardship or a scandal or something's happening, you
cling to the person nearest you. So there's no different
in your child and divorce. But once you are my
(17:10):
age and you want to go on a date or
you have to go to New York for an appearance
and the Today's Show. But your child is in school
and they have obligations, and they have friends, and they
have sports. You need support. You're gonna need childcare, You're
gonna need your own time. And if you have all
the time with your kid, and you fought for like
(17:31):
two different days within a fourteen day period, which is
what people do, they get so caught up in fifty percent,
is it sixty percent? Is it wednesdays and overnights? You
shouldn't get caught up in that. Let's pretend you only
had your kid weekends and wednesdays and overnights. You're really
only talking about a difference of one to two days.
It sounds like a lot because it sounds like only
one day a week, but there's Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday
(17:54):
left really because on one of those weekends it's a Friday.
The point is you're fighting over like one to two
days a month, when that does not define your relationship
with your child. What does define your relationship with your
child is the quality of time.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
So don't feel bad about yourself.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
If you don't get the full time, or if you
thought you'd get most of the time you only got
fifty percent, you're having a panic attack.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
There are different reasons.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
If you have a drug addict, abusive ex husband, that's
a different story. But if it's because you just psychologically
or emotionally or you're worried about people will think, let
that go. It's not something to judge, and it's not
something to be judged about.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (18:31):
Quality time is important, and it's about the marathon, not
the sprint. It's not about what goes on from a
child from four to really like twelve. At fourteen, they're
full humans. At twelve, they're like doing their own thing.
They've got their own ideas, their own friends, their own opinions.
Like you know, it's not that many years. Yes they matter,
(18:53):
and yes they form who someone is. But again, there
are parents that have their kids half the time but
work and only put them in the bath and only
do dinner. Like don't get into the numbers and counting.
Same goes for holidays. If you don't get your kid
for Christmas, you work it out, you do Christmas another day.
As I've discussed before, same thing. I used to panic
nine days away from my child because there was a
(19:15):
loophole in the custody agreement. And on a President's week,
I would obsess over it. I wouldn't sleep over it.
I would panic, how am I going to fix it?
I was exasperated. I couldn't handle it. And you know
we survived. You survived. I don't remember it. I don't
even remember it. And part of the time you're with
your kid, they're driving your nuts anyway, they're exhausted. It's
just like the idea of things are often harder than
(19:36):
the reality. Just like chip away at it, but don't
get in your head. Try to be calm and under pressure.
It's a nightmare. It's a nightmare.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
Want to back to the futterm
Dating texting is insufferable. You don't know how to manage
a conversation with a stranger, okay, because you don't want
to go too deep and you don't want to be
too light. So it's like, hey, how you doing. How's
your weekend? Mine's great, how about you?
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Web surfing? Did whatever?
Speaker 1 (00:29):
My three kids just went off the co All right,
that's enough, buddy, that's too much, you know what I mean,
I've gone too far.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
But it's like this is good.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Well, I'm in Rhode Island for the weekend, having a
great time. The weather has been beautiful. Some little thing
you give, like some little thing I traveled too much.
I wish it was longer, some little thing that showed
Like I said to someone like it's been choppy, because
my summer's been choppy. And then someone else said, oh
my god, mine has been too. We don't need to
get into it. We don't need to get into their
their ex wife or my you know, freakin' dehydration problem.
(00:59):
But like, it's been shoppy for different reasons. We'll discuss
that if we ever get on a date. But it's
just like saying a little more than nothing, because what
you can't do is the volley of the tennis ball,
back and forth about no, oh, nice, great?
Speaker 2 (01:11):
When the okay? So you go back and forth a little.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
Then you might want to ask a question you can
only be about you because I ask a question about you.
You can't only be about you. You have to ask
a question about them. You have to be It's like
being in person. You have to be like where do
you live? Like you could say some what par but
not like where It sounds like you're just trying to
do like investigative reporting. I would say something like I'm
in Florida in the moment, but I do spend a
(01:35):
lot of the summer in New York.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Why do I say that?
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Because I don't want someone to be intimidated by me
being in Florida and they think I'm out of the game,
like I'm out of the game with them, So letting
them know I'm flexible to be. So you're moving the
ball forward. You're letting them know a little bit about
you without them realizing you are. And then like someone
might be like, well, I spend time here and there,
my son goes to school at blah blah blah. Okay,
person as a son, it's pretty critical to get a
(01:58):
read on how many kids somebody he hasn't what ages
they are. Okay, from experience, people don't want if you've
or you're out of the woods. You really don't want
someone with a two year old. Like it's just like
it's not ideal. Sorry, if you have a two year old,
don't feel bad. Just date someone else with a four
year old, six year old, Okay, just it's just gonna
be easier. But then there comes a point where the
(02:20):
volley becomes penpaling and you really don't know. And someone
I know says, men are really insecure and they really
want reinforcement. So one guy was a super catch and
had said want to get together before or after Labor Day?
This was on an app and I said, here's my number,
and then we never went over there, so I was like,
was that two four? We're like, I don't want to
(02:40):
be over here in this weird app that I'm never on.
But then another guy we took it to phone number
and that became a better conversation cause you kind of
want to get out of like just the volley zone.
You want to get into something more about like who
you are, Like, Okay, let's put it this way. This
person mentioned someplace where they spend time, So you want
(03:04):
to like have an analysis of that and add something
to it if you've ever been there, or would you
like to go there, but give something about yourself. I've
met people that do not like the beach. They do
not like the beach, They do not want to go
in the water. Get the fuck out of here, Like
what like we need to know that right before we
know how many kids you have, because I have no
interest in that. Like, it doesn't mean I have to
(03:26):
do a family that praise together, stays together. I need
to stay with someone, be with someone every second. But like,
if someone doesn't like the beach, we're going to have
a problem, Like we're fighting.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
So I might say I'm a beach person. I love
blah blah blah.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
Then it could inspire someone else to say, oh, I
really like to be on the golf course. Now I
know they golf. That's a decision. Maybe I golf, Maybe
I want to take up golf. Maybe I don't golf.
Maybe I don't like golfers. Maybe I don't like the pants,
the hours, the golf courts, the people. Whatever. It's just
like you want to give an indication of yourself and
be honest about it, because you don't want to lock
them in based on something that you're not. You don't
(04:02):
want to be hard and fast like, oh, I only
like the beach, But you might want to give an
indication of something that makes you happy. And those are
the things that would really make someone interested in you,
because at a certain age, someone's not just like I
want to have sex with you because you're hot. It's
not that. That's a different story. If someone is in
a place where they might want to be in a relationship,
if they want to get an understanding of how you vibe.
(04:23):
They've been through it. They've been possibly married, divorced, breakups, makeups, heartbreak,
they've done the work, they've made the mistakes. They don't
want to get in the road of someone who wants
to live on a golf course or is a cat
person if they're a dog person. So try to get
the things out in and not I'm obsessed with you,
I'm your girlfriend type of way, and a real subtle
(04:45):
Oh it's nice here at this time of the year,
because I really do enjoy my walking on the beach.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Oh yeah, I went there.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
They have great restaurants, like anecdote will throw it in
see if you get a bite, then you see if
you have a rhythm, if there's something there. Guys will say,
what are you looking for? I'm like you to be
in a closet hidden for me, because I'm not looking
for you. I'm looking for somebody else in another closet, Like,
don't get so deep. Don't ask me about my hopes
(05:12):
and dreams right now, that's too much. We'll get there,
Like I'll show you what I'm looking for by what
I'm saying, but don't ask me that the first second.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
It's creepy, it's cringey.
Speaker 1 (05:23):
You know, you might if you're on an app, you
might want them to realize you're hopeful that you've done
this before, that you haven't been on the app in
a long time. Don't lie, but be like this can
be a positive place. Like when I first was on
apps years ago, I wanted to like tell everybody that
I had never been on like I was sort of
embarrassed about it. And it's honestly not embarrassing, especially if
you don't leave the house. It's just embarrassing because it's
(05:46):
a lot of losers. So anyway, don't pimpal, don't volley,
but don't offer up too much information. If you don't
(06:07):
love it, you don't like it. It's so helpful for everything.
Is it a house, is it a car? Is it
a guy? Is it a girl? Is it an opportunity?
Is it a business? Is it a drink? Is it
a vacation spot? Is it an idea?
Speaker 2 (06:20):
Anything? If you don't love it, you don't like it.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
So I have merely considered going out with some guys
that someone is like, oh it'll be fun, or are
they hot, or like they're ten years younger. And I
did go to dinner with this guy, but I wasn't
a date.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
What the fuck?
Speaker 1 (06:37):
I'm never doing that. I'm never doing that because I'm
not gonna want to be eighty two with someone seventy two.
It's just not happening, Okay, So don't go, dumb, dumb,
don't go. So I now have gone so long without
really dating that I have said, if I don't love it,
I don't like it. So now it's gotten really strict.
(06:58):
So someone wanted to set me up with someone lives
in two cities that I don't visit, that I have
no connection to that I don't vibe with I don't
want to ever live there.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
You know.
Speaker 1 (07:08):
It's not like you're twenty two and you might be
moving to Austin or something like that, although Austin would
be cool.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
Am I moving to Cleveland?
Speaker 1 (07:15):
Now? The horses left the barn. I'm ingrained in what
I like and what I know. And it's a vibe.
It's not just the people in a place. It's a vibe.
It's the energy. It's the group that goes there. It's
a culture. It's gonna be a reach, it's gonna be
changing everything, it's gonna be lonely. I just don't want that.
Well I look into it. Yeah, that's one piece of
the puzzle. If everything else was great when I consider
(07:37):
Monticello and Chicago combination, yes, but everything else has to
be great. So I'm running into this thing where someone
will come and be like, this guy is very good looking,
has all his hair, he's tall, he's extraordinarily successful. But
he has six children and one is eight, one is twelve.
I'm like, immediately, no, I don't want six children. And
(08:00):
it'll be six children, but like four or out of
the house. Okay, what does that mean? They like live
in Zaiere, like they're still the kids, Like my friends
who have twenty four year old kids are still like
on the teat in some way doesn't have to meet financially,
but they're kids.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
You know. It's not like the dust and the Wind.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Now, if it was someone with six kids and they're
all out of the house and the person is lives
in New York and likes Florida, likes the Hampton's, like, yes,
would I possibly consider it? Yes, because it's like one
puzzle piece that is telling to me. But I don't
want to have like seven kids on a vacation and
that's just my own. And again, like I'm not too picky.
(08:37):
I don't want that. It's like saying you don't want steak,
you want chicken tonight, you're too picky.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
Fuck off. I don't want it, I don't want to
eat it, and I don't love it. I don't like it.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
So now it's so much easier when you're discerning because
you don't get full on the crap. You don't spin
your wheels on stupidity. You're so strict, But it makes
you laser focus that you could see it when it
comes because you're not all like oh, I hate it.
I don't want to do this anymore. You're just like,
I'm just being strict. I'm not doing it until it's
worth doing. I'm not liking it until I love it.
(09:09):
So I am starting to date because I've seen something
that makes me want to go.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
So my thing is, I'm not going unless we're going.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
I'm not going unless I am leaping out of bed
to go, excited to go. The boxes are checked. So
I got a live one. I got a live one,
and if I like it, I'll tell you I like it,
and then we're gonna stay quiet for a while, as
you all would want from me. But I'm just gonna
(09:41):
tell you I got a live one.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
If I hear another person say age is just a number,
In case you're wondering, age is not just a number.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
Age is an age. It is not just a number.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
How do I know this Because when I was in
my twenties living in LA I was dating people that
were sometimes fifteen years older than I am. So if
I was twenty three and I was dating someone thirty,
not that old. Maybe like thirty eight, Yeah that was possible.
Twenty four, thirty nine was totally possible. Twenty five, okay, forty,
(10:17):
whatever was totally possible.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
Right.
Speaker 1 (10:21):
The reason age is not just a number is because
now those people are over seventy. So age is not
just a number. Age is and age they're over seventy,
we are going in one direction, like we are getting older.
So I do not believe it's just a number. I
believe it's a fact and it's a truth. And when
(10:43):
I think about my age, I think my age, my stage.
I think about where I'm at in my life. I
think about the fact that in dating someone said to me, oh,
if you start dating, would you stop, like if you
really like this guy. I'm like, no, there's no stopping
until we found the person, because we ain't got that
(11:05):
kind of time. Now. Why because age is not just
a number. Age is an age. My age is my age.
It happens to be a number, but it is not
just a number. It is a fact and a truth,
a milestone, a touchstone, a judgment zone. I mean, it
is how people define other people. Oh they look good
for their age. So I don't know why, I'm just
(11:29):
thinking about the fact when I talk about age. Regina
King was talking about losing her son and how it
made her more present. And my girlfriend today had two
like scares on her body that she's going to get
checked out, and she's just like wow, and a lot
of things have been happening with her, just different things,
and I was like, it's the age, Like I think
it's the age because it's just like things are happening.
(11:49):
So I was thinking about Regina King saying she is present,
and I was thinking about when my friend was going
through this, she was like, you just you know, you
have to be grateful, or she said something about treasure
every day or something, and I was thinking about Regina
King and being present, because it's true, if you go
through something, you're gonna be more present. It doesn't mean
we have to be hang gliding and I have to
be climbing up you know, a fucking mountain, I Kilimanjaro
(12:12):
or anything. I think it just means be present. And
I really have tried to be more present, even in
things like if I don't sleep. It used to run
my life whether I slept, I didn't sleep, I slept
this many hours, I slept that many I even had
a sleep app asleep tracker.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
What the fuck is that gonna do?
Speaker 1 (12:26):
Just gonna yell at me and tell me I slept
in sleep no shit, Like what am I gonna do?
We can't go back now, Like I know that I
should be in better early, Like it's not looking at
the tracker, is it going to do anything. I know
that maybe having a glass of wine at eleven o'clock
at night is not my best choice, but some you know,
fuck it. Sometimes I like the way it feels to
be alone, like snacking around the house. The point is
(12:47):
being present is like today I got on my yoga Matt,
and I always am most grateful when I do yoga.
There's no no place a beach walk but yoga. I
will thank myself. I will sit and I will say
I am grateful, and I think myself for doing this.
I felt present And I've been taking baths that have
been lasting longer, which says to me, I'm being present
(13:07):
because I'm not just taking the baths to take the
baths to rush out. It's like, let me just lay
here for a while and dissolve in here and sometimes
even like almost fall asleep. So let's talk about divorce
(13:30):
and custody time sharing.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
I've talked about this before.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
When your kids are young and you're about to go
through a breakup, or you have already gone through a breakup,
or the split has begun. Your mind will play tricks
on you. You have imprinted on your child and vice
versa or children, and you think that it will be
(13:57):
like that forever. People tell you a people tell you
it's different. You just don't have the capacity to understand that.
When your child is a teenager, they enter the witness
Protection program and have no idea who you are and
won't acknowledge your presence. So my daughter and I are
very close, like very very close. It's well documented, and
(14:18):
we travel together. We're together a lot. We live for
each other. She will text me like she's in love
with me during the day, I can't wait to see you, Mama,
love Mama.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
And then she'll get home and.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
I'll be hi, mama, and wealha going to be amazing
because she's like a dysfunctional relationship with a man where
we love each other. We've had amazing times together. Then
she texts, gives such good texts and she gets in
the house. Is the amazing hug. We connect, we latch,
and then she walks into a room and I don't
see her again. For days, like not days, but like hours.
(14:51):
And I'm just saying that that happens with multiple teenagers,
where a mom just wants a fucking glass of wine
in a moment of silence, just wants her kids to
have plants so she can make her own, but doesn't
want to say go have plans, just wants tonight to herself,
just want tonight out, just wants a vacation, et cetera.
Your life will become very different once the kids are older,
(15:12):
but when you're going through it, it's almost like after
you have a baby, when you're super emotional and your
hormones haven't gotten back to normal. Your hormones, your emotions,
everything changes under severe stress and duress of a divorce,
and you are panicked and you think that you won't
get time with your kid. This is the end of
the world. They're gonna forget you, they're gonna love the
(15:35):
other parent more. They go to the other parent's house,
they buy them all the stuff, and you can't keep
up and you can't compete, and you are in a vacuum.
It's no different than you being madly in love with
someone breaking up with them, not being able to imagine
life without them and then one day you don't even
think about them anymore, meaning both of those things were real.
(15:56):
Both of those things were real. So the feeling you
have towards your kid and not want it to be
apart from them, it is one hundred percent real, but
it is fairly fleeting, which is why when people obsess
over the time, the custody time and a divorce, like
you could be battling over something and you're giving up
on one thing but not the other thing.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
It's just a couple of years.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
Decision making is more important, as I've discussed, but I
mention this because when you have to work and you
have to travel, and you want to have a social
life and you want to go on a date, you
need time for yourself. So you're not going to be
with your kid all the time. When they're young, or
when you're coming out of a divorce, you feel more.
I mean, if you're a good parent, you feel more
attached to your kid and you want that bonding. And
(16:37):
also people displace the love that they had in the
relationship or the security and the relationship and they then
put it on the child.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
So you're clinging to your child more. You want your
child's love more.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
You're more codependent with your child because you're going through
a traumatic time and this is a family member that
you love, so you're afraid. And like anything else, if
a parent's dying, if somebody else sick, if you're going
through a hardship or a scandal or something's happening, you
cling to the person nearest you. So there's no different
in your child and divorce. But once you are my
(17:10):
age and you want to go on a date or
you have to go to New York for an appearance
and the Today's Show. But your child is in school
and they have obligations, and they have friends, and they
have sports. You need support. You're gonna need childcare, You're
gonna need your own time. And if you have all
the time with your kid, and you fought for like
(17:31):
two different days within a fourteen day period, which is
what people do, they get so caught up in fifty percent,
is it sixty percent? Is it wednesdays and overnights? You
shouldn't get caught up in that. Let's pretend you only
had your kid weekends and wednesdays and overnights. You're really
only talking about a difference of one to two days.
It sounds like a lot because it sounds like only
one day a week, but there's Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday
(17:54):
left really because on one of those weekends it's a Friday.
The point is you're fighting over like one to two
days a month, when that does not define your relationship
with your child. What does define your relationship with your
child is the quality of time.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
So don't feel bad about yourself.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
If you don't get the full time, or if you
thought you'd get most of the time you only got
fifty percent, you're having a panic attack.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
There are different reasons.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
If you have a drug addict, abusive ex husband, that's
a different story. But if it's because you just psychologically
or emotionally or you're worried about people will think, let
that go. It's not something to judge, and it's not
something to be judged about.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (18:31):
Quality time is important, and it's about the marathon, not
the sprint. It's not about what goes on from a
child from four to really like twelve. At fourteen, they're
full humans. At twelve, they're like doing their own thing.
They've got their own ideas, their own friends, their own opinions.
Like you know, it's not that many years. Yes they matter,
(18:53):
and yes they form who someone is. But again, there
are parents that have their kids half the time but
work and only put them in the bath and only
do dinner. Like don't get into the numbers and counting.
Same goes for holidays. If you don't get your kid
for Christmas, you work it out, you do Christmas another day.
As I've discussed before, same thing. I used to panic
nine days away from my child because there was a
(19:15):
loophole in the custody agreement. And on a President's week,
I would obsess over it. I wouldn't sleep over it.
I would panic, how am I going to fix it?
I was exasperated. I couldn't handle it. And you know
we survived. You survived. I don't remember it. I don't
even remember it. And part of the time you're with
your kid, they're driving your nuts anyway, they're exhausted. It's
just like the idea of things are often harder than
(19:36):
the reality. Just like chip away at it, but don't
get in your head. Try to be calm and under pressure.
It's a nightmare. It's a nightmare.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
Want to back to the futterm
Host
Bethenny Frankel
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