February 19, 2025 • 22 mins
When someone tells you who they are, believe them. Shout out to Mel Robbins!
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Speaker 1 (00:12):
Welcome back Barbie Adler from Selective Search. She is a
matchmaker and dating expert. So we are going to get
all the free information and not have to pay several
hundred thousand dollars.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Okay, hello, Hello, Hello. Okay.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
So it was funny because we were talking earlier and
you were saying, well, we're going to talk about hygiene,
et cetera, which we could.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
But I've been, I've been.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
I've found myself on the side of social media that's
like self help, like mel Robbins and different people talking
about different things. So I want to talk about some
of those things. Because I drive my daughter to school
and she'll have like a boy that likes her or
something going on, or I'll just explain to her.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
She'll say, what's going on with you.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
I don't place too much weight on my daughter meeting
someone because of the relationship that we have, if that
makes any sense, Like she's told me what she wants
for me, like she has her opinion. It doesn't mean
I'm only doing that, but because it's the two of us,
and because she's with me ninety percent of the time,
it's kind of a decision, not for both of us.
But I want a family for her. She doesn't really
(01:17):
I don't have like that deep like cousins and all
these people that we spend holidays with, and sometimes you know,
we're insular. Like for Christmas Eve, we have a ritual
where it's just the two of us and we make
this nice dinner and she likes to be alone together
on Christmas. With Thanksgiving, we were with a group of people,
but it wasn't like our family, and it wasn't even
like my best friends and their family, and we were
(01:37):
talking about the sort of family dynamic and I meet
sometimes I've met people am I dating life where it's
like they're so immersed in family and all the time
there's all these people around or they're not at all,
And so I include my daughter in the discussions because
(01:59):
she'll ask me. And I found that after a breakup,
when dating and my daughter would know that I was
going out on nights, she'd say, like, what are you doing?
And if I can go to dinner with who? Like
she'd feel like I was keeping something from her and
there was a little bit of tension. And I've found
that in other people too that are single. They talk
(02:19):
about that like it's sort of this taboo tension where
she's not my friend, she's my daughter. But I'll still
be like I went out, which was like, how was
your date? And I'll say it was nice. He was this,
he was that, he was the other thing. And there
have been times where she's met someone, let's say after
a month, but not enough. This is my very serious
boyfriend and I run into them in the Hamptons and
I say hi, and she asks who it was, and
(02:41):
I'm like, I went out with him. So I want
to know your opinion on that for divorced people, breaking
up people, because I personally believe that people place too
much weight on like I don't introduce anyone to my
kids and then one day it's six months in you
introduce them.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
It's so daunting.
Speaker 1 (02:56):
I've experienced this too, and everybody makes such a big
deal out of it. Everything doesn't have to be so
like black or white. It could be just people that
are friends in your life. So I want to know
your opinion of that whole topic.
Speaker 3 (03:08):
Well, first of all, I commend you for sharing your
life experience and having real conversations with your daughter at
a young age, because I think so many times you're
not people aren't learning the lessons and learning through their
parents because they're trying to keep it so removed that
it's almost like then it's awkward, and then they never
(03:28):
learn the lessons. And that's my whole problem with and
we think about it. What matters most in your life
is who you spend your time with and who you
end up marrying. But yet your parents are very involved
when it comes to right and wrong and safety and
danger and table manners and even like education that selection,
but they stop teaching you about matters of the heart
(03:51):
and things that really matter. So I love the fact
that you're having these real conversations, and I do the
same with my stepdaughters to teach them like we are
also wise. That's the one thing of getting older is
that we have so much knowledge and you only learn
through experience.
Speaker 4 (04:05):
So the fact that.
Speaker 3 (04:06):
You're normalizing that you're in a place in your life
where you are looking for someone that is your life partner.
But you're not worth you know you're worth. You're not
willing to settle. You don't want to bring someone into
your life that's not good for the two of you.
Speaker 4 (04:23):
It is a package deal.
Speaker 3 (04:24):
And it shows that she could feel safe and exhale, like, Okay,
my mom has my back and I could feel safe
because she's not going to bring someone into my life
that isn't good for the both of us. And I
also think it's honoring you what you're hearing that she needs,
which is family and the family dynamics, and that you
care about that. Yes, that said, I think that you
(04:44):
only are the only one as an adult that will
judge what makes you happy, right like your happy meter
and your love tank can only be filled with not
what your friends want, not what society tells you, but
what makes you happy. It's the same thing like when
you know that you're or in the Hamptons, that's your
happy place.
Speaker 4 (05:02):
You beam and you're happy. Same thing when you meet someone,
it's you have.
Speaker 3 (05:06):
To make sure that you feel like, Okay, this is
someone I feel safe with, I feel.
Speaker 4 (05:09):
Heard, I have a blast with.
Speaker 3 (05:12):
And then I do think that there's no right or
wrong of when to introduce your daughter to somebody. I
think that to your point, it doesn't have to be
the one, and you're making this whole big build up.
Speaker 4 (05:24):
And that's yeah, yeah, I think.
Speaker 3 (05:26):
It doesn't have to be that because then it is
so much pressure for the person you're with, and also
for your daughter, and it's like she almost has no
choice but to say I like him, and it just
becomes more anxiety.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
Exactly, And I think it's I think it's done that
way and it doesn't make any sense. And so like,
for example, there have been times too while I'm dating
someone she doesn't totally care for them. She's trying to
like play the game and pretend she doesn't get to
know them. Maybe they're not paying enough attention to dermany
and they're not interested in what she's doing, and she's
noticing that as a as a flaw, and kids have
a cleaner slate to notice things about people. And if
(06:00):
you can separate, like if you know that your child
wants you to meet someone, which mine does, if you
can take that away, if they just will hate everybody,
that's a separate conversation. But for example, my daughter, does
you know is involved in who I'm spending my time with?
And she will inform things that I kind of know
in my gut, but she's crystallized, like she might say,
(06:20):
I don't know. I think they're just a little weird,
And it's because she doesn't totally trust them, and then
I've actually seen that She's kind of right. I'm just
trying to, you know, pretend that it's not the case. Also,
I feel that there are so many lessons for them
to what we were both saying. I go drive with
her to school and I'll like and she'll say, what
happened with this person? Or I don't love this person.
(06:42):
I'll be like, yeah, don't worry, I'm not marrying them.
I don't think I am. I'm just sometimes mommy's lonely.
Sometimes mommy wants someone who's a friend to spend time
with and just hang out with. And when you're doing
something else, so You're at a volleyball tournament and I'm
not there, Like, sometimes I just want someone to hang
out with. Everybody doesn't have to be your future father,
hey be I'll say, I give her like a lesson
(07:05):
every day. It's not intentional, but it just happens in
the car where I'll say to her and I'll always
frame it. I'm like, this will be something that you're
going to realize. You're not going to realize right now.
But like she has a boy that she knew that
like every time she would speak to them, she'd get excited.
She'd run into him and then he'd text her or
snap her whatever they do, and then he might say
something and then he would just be gone, like and dissolved.
(07:27):
And I said to her, literally regurgitating what mel Robins said,
no response is a response.
Speaker 2 (07:32):
I said to her, No response is a response. I
learned this. I go. I'm fifty four years old.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
I wish I had someone to tell me anything as
a kid because I didn't have any renal involvement. I
said to her, if someone's not treating you well and
you don't feel good about it, it has nothing to
do with you, from a family member to a friend,
it really doesn't have anything to do with you. It
has everything to do with them. So you know what
your worth is and you know what you deserve. But like,
if you're in a good place and someone is not
(08:00):
going to meet you where you're at halfway, that's not
for you, you know. And by the way, you may
hang out with someone because they're cute at school, but
you know that you know they're not treating you well,
and there might be a different reason, but I'm just
letting you know. So each day there's like a thing
and I think that It doesn't have to be a
zero sum game. You can be dating and like learning
something and also including your kid. And I think there
(08:22):
are so many lessons there, and you're right that like
people want to keep everything in a closet from their kids.
I also think schools should be talking about this stuff.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
Nobody does. It's so disappointing and frustrating. They talk about.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
Sex just because it's science and your body. They should
be talking about emotional health at school.
Speaker 3 (08:39):
Interpersonal relationships. It could be platonic romantic friendships no one
talks about, even when you're in an unhealthy relationship with
a with a with a friend. It just is never
talked about.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Like I was talking yesterday to someone about colleges, like
just early because she's just curious, and we were talking
about I was trying to explain to Brinn how colleges
want to know who you are as a whole person
because they want to produce productive individuals that are going
to do great things so they can say, oh, this
person was a graduate here, like and why you tries
to claim me even though they had nothing to do
with any of my success.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
Nor did be you.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
I literally was there as minimum as I had to go,
and I was like, treated like a transaction. But I
so if that's the case, if they want to produce
these productive, successful individuals, why wouldn't they want to produce
people that are emotionally successful because we take away so
much of our bandwidth with emotional problems. You suffer at work,
(09:47):
you suffer at productivity, so many things as a result
of what's going with you emotionally, So why wouldn't these
educational environments.
Speaker 3 (09:54):
You're gonna take your same broken self into every relationship,
into every workplace, everywhere you're a and sometimes you just
don't know the lessons, so you do your best. And
it's like the saying, if you knew better, you would
do better, and when you finally learn it, then you
can do better. But sometimes you just don't even know
the skills. And also the mind games we play with
their selfs, which I think is what mel Robbins is
(10:15):
talking about, what just let it be theory, which is
do a mind flip and stop trying to control what
you can't control.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
I think there's nothing to do with you, right, there's
nothing to do with you.
Speaker 3 (10:27):
And I always say to my stepdaughter, is like the
lesson of when someone tells you who they are, Believe them.
If someone tells you they're not ready to be a relationship,
believe them or run. It's a gift when someone reveals
their true self and you don't like what you see,
because it's good for them to reveal their true self
sooner than later. So you could run the other way
because you know you're worth and then it's not healthy
(10:49):
for you.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Well, this connects to a little bit of you.
Speaker 1 (10:51):
You know, I've spoken to the dating coach on here,
and I've spoken to you, and I speak to my
therapist and my life coach. I'm like a fuck, I'm
like perfect now. Of course I'm just the perfect specimen
but emotionally hot low. But you talk about people doing
their own work before they come to you to meet someone,
because you don't want a broken toy to stick in
(11:12):
with somebody, the other person that you've hopefully talked to
that you're setting up that is coming in a full person.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
Like there's someone that you introduced me to.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
I won't say what or who, but they said they
had done this self evaluation, the self reflection about why
they had met someone in all this time or why,
and I just admire that as a concept, particularly in
a man. Okay particularly in a man, but one of
the concepts that has resonated with me that relates to
you saying that is like, if you feel like your
(11:42):
shit is fairly together, meaning we're all a mess, and
we're all a mess on certain days and we're hormonal,
and my friend yesterday said to me, I'm a fucking mess,
and I'm like, it's okay. Just take a deep breath,
go take a walk, and be fine tomorrow. Like barring normalcy,
you know what I mean? If you're like a together
person who's been doing the work and intentional and evolved
and willing to do work, then you come in contact
(12:04):
with someone who could be great. They have great potential,
but they're not actively willing to do the work. Like
you could meet someone that's fifty pounds overweight. You may
not be attracted to that. You may not think it's
healthy if you see that you're meeting them and they're
eating well, they've started a regimen, like that's all you
could hope for. You know, I was talking to someone
about longevity the other day and on and when I
(12:26):
was out to dinner with them, they were saying, you
should think about weights because of and they weren't preachy,
but because of muscle mass and because of bones and longevity.
And I texted them a couple of times showing them
I tried. I did handweights and I'm doing yoga, meaning like,
I'm not a person that's just gonna sit here and
smoke cigarettes and someone's gonna like talk about how it's
not good for my health and not make an attempt.
(12:47):
So my long winded thing about that is that if
someone isn't doing the work or has the intention to
do the steps to meet you where you're atting you're
in a good place, then you're gonna be on the
relay team with the person that you know you're carrying
dead weight.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
You're carrying dead weight and you're carrying it up a hill,
and it's the definition of insanity.
Speaker 4 (13:09):
You could only control your own actions.
Speaker 3 (13:12):
It's so much more peaceful when you could take control
of your own self and not be adding to the
drama of Uh. You know, it's like you're it. You're creating.
You're an enabler and you're creating it. If people will
change when they're ready to change, no one's going to
change if they're not ready to change.
Speaker 4 (13:29):
And sometimes I feel.
Speaker 3 (13:30):
That people make other people their projects because they don't
want to work, worry, or work on themselves, and so
they focus on everyone else's problems when it should be
focus on yourself.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
Yes, but I well that's kind of part of the
let them too, Like you can't control what someone else
is doing.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
You can only control what you're doing.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
But I think we create some childhood things too, Like
I remember with my father always trying to like get him,
get his attention, or get something from him, and like
you keep trying, and you do the same thing over
and you go lower. It sounds crazy, but there's a
celebrity the other night that I saw out that I've
seen two times and they were very rude, and it
shocked them that they were rude because they don't come
in a rude package and the world doesn't think that
(14:10):
they're rude, but they've been very rude. And the third
time they were rude again, And now I'm like fuck you,
like you in my mind, like fuck you because we
keep trying. And I feel like in relationships sometimes the
people that give us the least, we give them most
because you know, like you're trying to give them a,
p I've done this.
Speaker 4 (14:28):
Yeah, it's a challenge, or you're so offended.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
Yeah, yeah, you want to get them presents.
Speaker 1 (14:32):
You want to be good because one day you're gonna
get the reaction you want, and it's you go worse.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
Right, And it's almost better to rise above and to
realize that they're showing you who they are and you're
better without that person in your life, because what stakes
are you going to continue to try and try and
get nothing in return, and it's making you feel bad
about yourself, you go lower, right, versus surrounding yourself with
people that you are energy givers and that you know love,
(14:59):
you have your best interests and you don't have to
prove yourself. You could be yourself even flawed, even on
bad days where you're like, whoa, I'm like literally a
little bonkers today. That people accept you where you are,
love you anyways, versus the people that judge you want
you to be perfect and that you'll never be able
to please.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Right.
Speaker 4 (15:17):
Yeah, yeah, and our dads could have been friends.
Speaker 3 (15:19):
Unfortunately, it does go back to childhood and you wanting
that little girl that just wants to be nourished.
Speaker 4 (15:25):
And it also it's.
Speaker 3 (15:27):
Like the competitive part of probably both of us that
wants to just realize, like I could win this person over,
but you can't, And why show you that person doesn't
actually deserve your attention, your friendship, anything like that. If
that's how they're treating you, then it's their loss, is
how I always coach people.
Speaker 1 (15:46):
Yeah, I think that so many women really are putting
on a front of who they are and then the
(16:06):
person finds out later.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
I mean, I, well, there's two things. One.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
I think there's that because they want to get I
think women want to get the guy. They're like goal
oriented to get the guy. And I think this is
what happens with a dynamic that I've discussed on here
before where I've met several a shocking number of men
in their fifties that they have custody of their children,
(16:36):
like it's full custody and there and it all is
the same. And it's not just them saying, because their
friends are saying it too. They have somehow gone through
the midlife crisis, they've thrived, they're working out, they've gotten healthy,
and somehow the woman that they married who they married
because the woman wanted to get the guy, get the
guy who's gonna make money and do shopping and not
have to work, and the woman has no purpose. And
(16:58):
the woman becomes a mess because she's either doing drugs
or drinking or parting or a disaster, has mental issues
because she has no purpose. And I feel like I
see these young women with the get the guy mentality
to get the guy, get the ring, and that involves
a little bit of deception, meaning they have to act perfect.
They're in workout clothes every day, all the shit that
(17:18):
even at my age, thirty years older than them, I
don't even do. And I still can get the guy
just right being myself and being strong in my two feet.
And I just feel like women need to know this
stuff early.
Speaker 3 (17:30):
Well, that's what going back to our earlier conversation, what
frustrates me is it's our daughters. It's the new generation
that is looking to create a family that has to
learn that lesson, like don't get married just because your
friends are getting married, don't move along to the next
level because your parents are applying that pressure as society is.
You have to make sure that this is someone you
(17:52):
feel like is going to be the right partner. When
you're not at your best, when you're not perfect, that's
going to help you with the kids, all the things
that really matters, the foul nation. But what sets you
apart from others is because you're interested and interesting. And
that's why I always try to preach to the younger generation,
like have purpose, do things that make you happy, so
(18:13):
that when you do have kids and other things, you
can't just be a parent. You just can't be a
mom like there's eventually they also feel.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
Under it and it doesn't fill up. But listen, this
is gonna sound crazy. Everybody knows how many businesses I have,
my half a billion dollar almost philanthropic effort, like all
the things I do, traveling, my daughter, no nanny, the
whole thing. I still sometimes feel purposeless and bored, and
so I can't imagine. And I don't want to go
like shop as a verb, not that I need to
(18:42):
be as everything comes to my house because everyone sends
me all the shit I don't want anyway, But I'm
saying like I don't lunch as a verb. I don't
go shop as like a like let's go shopping as
an activity. And I don't like I'll work out for
forty minutes if that or walk if I am in
that mode, but like, this is why women are sitting
lunching for two hours, drinking wine, work out, trying to
drag it out, shop and buy shit, and the men
(19:03):
this is not what men want to talk about. Like
and I'm making a gender, but it is. I go
out to dinner and men are talking to me about politics,
about business, about the stock market, about crypto, Like you
got to have your game fairly tight, Like you can't
just sit there and be the woman who's sitting next
to the girls talking about the shopping. The guy's rolling
his eyes and he's talking to the men about the
(19:24):
super Bowl, Like you got to level.
Speaker 4 (19:26):
Up one hundred percent.
Speaker 3 (19:28):
And that's why I always say, make sure that you're
keeping in touch with current events and that you have
something to say, and that you know what's going on,
whether it's politics or pop culture or things that who
just got traded to what team?
Speaker 4 (19:40):
You have to know what's going on.
Speaker 3 (19:41):
You can't just talk about your kids because that people
don't want to talk about that the gyues do. They
want to know that you are well, that you're a
loving parent, and that there's things that are going to
come up with kids. But after that, then what you
have to be I would say interested and interesting, I
love and be playful. Have something to say, but not
just because you're telling you to have something to say,
(20:01):
but authentically geek out on something, whatever it is, Be
passionate about whatever.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
Words have it, take a position, and also debate and
talk and agree and disagree and have a conversation. Because
that's what men are missing. That is why I have
done so well in dating. Like I said, people, I
give all this advice and I am always shocked that
people are listening to it, and they're like, oh my god,
you're the mother the anthet sister I never had. And
I understand why they're listening because I have not been
(20:25):
successful ultimately at relationships because I a have either chosen
poorly or be because of my childhood, have not wanted
to ultimately sustain or commit. But I have never had
a problem interesting men, getting men to want to be
in a relationship, falling in love with me, asking me
to marry me. And I'm not saying this is a
conceited matter. I'm saying it as a fact. And this
(20:46):
is why I see it in their eyes because I
have something. I'm having a conversation and men want to
be heard. You often hear of the man leaving the
very attractive woman for the woman who works in his
office that you know is interested in him and maybe
they have something to talk about or someone's super smart.
This is not people focus too much on looks.
Speaker 4 (21:04):
Right. Men want to feel like the hero, not the zero.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
If someone makes them feel that they're already disappointing them
or they're critical or criticizing them, they're gonna say, I
don't need this aggravation. They want someone that makes them
feel lifted up and appreciated and adored and not that
they're all these things that they're doing wrong and all
these expectations. They don't want to feel like they're with
their mommy and that they're disappointing. So look, and it
(21:29):
goes both ways, right like, obviously we need to feel
heard and seen and someone that we can feel safe with.
Speaker 4 (21:33):
But we're talking about when men, it's beyond a pretty
girl that is just like God.
Speaker 3 (21:38):
They want someone takes care of themselves, but they really
need someone that's playful and fun and happy, and that
comes from within.
Speaker 4 (21:45):
You have to love yourself. You have to like yourself
like you have to be like playful.
Speaker 3 (21:49):
And and again. It's different for your dynamic with your girlfriends.
With a guy, it's like you want it. First of all,
you have to want that dynamic. You have to love men.
If you hate men, it's going to show up on
the dates that you feel like you're judging and careful
and angry.
Speaker 4 (22:04):
That will show up. You have to first love yourself.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
I love it.
Speaker 3 (22:07):
I know we could talk all day. Well, thank you
as always for having I love you.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
Thank you.
Speaker 4 (22:11):
We'll be talking so I love you so much
Welcome back Barbie Adler from Selective Search. She is a
matchmaker and dating expert. So we are going to get
all the free information and not have to pay several
hundred thousand dollars.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Okay, hello, Hello, Hello. Okay.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
So it was funny because we were talking earlier and
you were saying, well, we're going to talk about hygiene,
et cetera, which we could.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
But I've been, I've been.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
I've found myself on the side of social media that's
like self help, like mel Robbins and different people talking
about different things. So I want to talk about some
of those things. Because I drive my daughter to school
and she'll have like a boy that likes her or
something going on, or I'll just explain to her.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
She'll say, what's going on with you.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
I don't place too much weight on my daughter meeting
someone because of the relationship that we have, if that
makes any sense, Like she's told me what she wants
for me, like she has her opinion. It doesn't mean
I'm only doing that, but because it's the two of us,
and because she's with me ninety percent of the time,
it's kind of a decision, not for both of us.
But I want a family for her. She doesn't really
(01:17):
I don't have like that deep like cousins and all
these people that we spend holidays with, and sometimes you know,
we're insular. Like for Christmas Eve, we have a ritual
where it's just the two of us and we make
this nice dinner and she likes to be alone together
on Christmas. With Thanksgiving, we were with a group of people,
but it wasn't like our family, and it wasn't even
like my best friends and their family, and we were
(01:37):
talking about the sort of family dynamic and I meet
sometimes I've met people am I dating life where it's
like they're so immersed in family and all the time
there's all these people around or they're not at all,
And so I include my daughter in the discussions because
(01:59):
she'll ask me. And I found that after a breakup,
when dating and my daughter would know that I was
going out on nights, she'd say, like, what are you doing?
And if I can go to dinner with who? Like
she'd feel like I was keeping something from her and
there was a little bit of tension. And I've found
that in other people too that are single. They talk
(02:19):
about that like it's sort of this taboo tension where
she's not my friend, she's my daughter. But I'll still
be like I went out, which was like, how was
your date? And I'll say it was nice. He was this,
he was that, he was the other thing. And there
have been times where she's met someone, let's say after
a month, but not enough. This is my very serious
boyfriend and I run into them in the Hamptons and
I say hi, and she asks who it was, and
(02:41):
I'm like, I went out with him. So I want
to know your opinion on that for divorced people, breaking
up people, because I personally believe that people place too
much weight on like I don't introduce anyone to my
kids and then one day it's six months in you
introduce them.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
It's so daunting.
Speaker 1 (02:56):
I've experienced this too, and everybody makes such a big
deal out of it. Everything doesn't have to be so
like black or white. It could be just people that
are friends in your life. So I want to know
your opinion of that whole topic.
Speaker 3 (03:08):
Well, first of all, I commend you for sharing your
life experience and having real conversations with your daughter at
a young age, because I think so many times you're
not people aren't learning the lessons and learning through their
parents because they're trying to keep it so removed that
it's almost like then it's awkward, and then they never
(03:28):
learn the lessons. And that's my whole problem with and
we think about it. What matters most in your life
is who you spend your time with and who you
end up marrying. But yet your parents are very involved
when it comes to right and wrong and safety and
danger and table manners and even like education that selection,
but they stop teaching you about matters of the heart
(03:51):
and things that really matter. So I love the fact
that you're having these real conversations, and I do the
same with my stepdaughters to teach them like we are
also wise. That's the one thing of getting older is
that we have so much knowledge and you only learn
through experience.
Speaker 4 (04:05):
So the fact that.
Speaker 3 (04:06):
You're normalizing that you're in a place in your life
where you are looking for someone that is your life partner.
But you're not worth you know you're worth. You're not
willing to settle. You don't want to bring someone into
your life that's not good for the two of you.
Speaker 4 (04:23):
It is a package deal.
Speaker 3 (04:24):
And it shows that she could feel safe and exhale, like, Okay,
my mom has my back and I could feel safe
because she's not going to bring someone into my life
that isn't good for the both of us. And I
also think it's honoring you what you're hearing that she needs,
which is family and the family dynamics, and that you
care about that. Yes, that said, I think that you
(04:44):
only are the only one as an adult that will
judge what makes you happy, right like your happy meter
and your love tank can only be filled with not
what your friends want, not what society tells you, but
what makes you happy. It's the same thing like when
you know that you're or in the Hamptons, that's your
happy place.
Speaker 4 (05:02):
You beam and you're happy. Same thing when you meet someone,
it's you have.
Speaker 3 (05:06):
To make sure that you feel like, Okay, this is
someone I feel safe with, I feel.
Speaker 4 (05:09):
Heard, I have a blast with.
Speaker 3 (05:12):
And then I do think that there's no right or
wrong of when to introduce your daughter to somebody. I
think that to your point, it doesn't have to be
the one, and you're making this whole big build up.
Speaker 4 (05:24):
And that's yeah, yeah, I think.
Speaker 3 (05:26):
It doesn't have to be that because then it is
so much pressure for the person you're with, and also
for your daughter, and it's like she almost has no
choice but to say I like him, and it just
becomes more anxiety.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
Exactly, And I think it's I think it's done that
way and it doesn't make any sense. And so like,
for example, there have been times too while I'm dating
someone she doesn't totally care for them. She's trying to
like play the game and pretend she doesn't get to
know them. Maybe they're not paying enough attention to dermany
and they're not interested in what she's doing, and she's
noticing that as a as a flaw, and kids have
a cleaner slate to notice things about people. And if
(06:00):
you can separate, like if you know that your child
wants you to meet someone, which mine does, if you
can take that away, if they just will hate everybody,
that's a separate conversation. But for example, my daughter, does
you know is involved in who I'm spending my time with?
And she will inform things that I kind of know
in my gut, but she's crystallized, like she might say,
(06:20):
I don't know. I think they're just a little weird,
And it's because she doesn't totally trust them, and then
I've actually seen that She's kind of right. I'm just
trying to, you know, pretend that it's not the case. Also,
I feel that there are so many lessons for them
to what we were both saying. I go drive with
her to school and I'll like and she'll say, what
happened with this person? Or I don't love this person.
(06:42):
I'll be like, yeah, don't worry, I'm not marrying them.
I don't think I am. I'm just sometimes mommy's lonely.
Sometimes mommy wants someone who's a friend to spend time
with and just hang out with. And when you're doing
something else, so You're at a volleyball tournament and I'm
not there, Like, sometimes I just want someone to hang
out with. Everybody doesn't have to be your future father,
hey be I'll say, I give her like a lesson
(07:05):
every day. It's not intentional, but it just happens in
the car where I'll say to her and I'll always
frame it. I'm like, this will be something that you're
going to realize. You're not going to realize right now.
But like she has a boy that she knew that
like every time she would speak to them, she'd get excited.
She'd run into him and then he'd text her or
snap her whatever they do, and then he might say
something and then he would just be gone, like and dissolved.
(07:27):
And I said to her, literally regurgitating what mel Robins said,
no response is a response.
Speaker 2 (07:32):
I said to her, No response is a response. I
learned this. I go. I'm fifty four years old.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
I wish I had someone to tell me anything as
a kid because I didn't have any renal involvement. I
said to her, if someone's not treating you well and
you don't feel good about it, it has nothing to
do with you, from a family member to a friend,
it really doesn't have anything to do with you. It
has everything to do with them. So you know what
your worth is and you know what you deserve. But like,
if you're in a good place and someone is not
(08:00):
going to meet you where you're at halfway, that's not
for you, you know. And by the way, you may
hang out with someone because they're cute at school, but
you know that you know they're not treating you well,
and there might be a different reason, but I'm just
letting you know. So each day there's like a thing
and I think that It doesn't have to be a
zero sum game. You can be dating and like learning
something and also including your kid. And I think there
(08:22):
are so many lessons there, and you're right that like
people want to keep everything in a closet from their kids.
I also think schools should be talking about this stuff.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
Nobody does. It's so disappointing and frustrating. They talk about.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
Sex just because it's science and your body. They should
be talking about emotional health at school.
Speaker 3 (08:39):
Interpersonal relationships. It could be platonic romantic friendships no one
talks about, even when you're in an unhealthy relationship with
a with a with a friend. It just is never
talked about.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Like I was talking yesterday to someone about colleges, like
just early because she's just curious, and we were talking
about I was trying to explain to Brinn how colleges
want to know who you are as a whole person
because they want to produce productive individuals that are going
to do great things so they can say, oh, this
person was a graduate here, like and why you tries
to claim me even though they had nothing to do
with any of my success.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
Nor did be you.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
I literally was there as minimum as I had to go,
and I was like, treated like a transaction. But I
so if that's the case, if they want to produce
these productive, successful individuals, why wouldn't they want to produce
people that are emotionally successful because we take away so
much of our bandwidth with emotional problems. You suffer at work,
(09:47):
you suffer at productivity, so many things as a result
of what's going with you emotionally, So why wouldn't these
educational environments.
Speaker 3 (09:54):
You're gonna take your same broken self into every relationship,
into every workplace, everywhere you're a and sometimes you just
don't know the lessons, so you do your best. And
it's like the saying, if you knew better, you would
do better, and when you finally learn it, then you
can do better. But sometimes you just don't even know
the skills. And also the mind games we play with
their selfs, which I think is what mel Robbins is
(10:15):
talking about, what just let it be theory, which is
do a mind flip and stop trying to control what
you can't control.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
I think there's nothing to do with you, right, there's
nothing to do with you.
Speaker 3 (10:27):
And I always say to my stepdaughter, is like the
lesson of when someone tells you who they are, Believe them.
If someone tells you they're not ready to be a relationship,
believe them or run. It's a gift when someone reveals
their true self and you don't like what you see,
because it's good for them to reveal their true self
sooner than later. So you could run the other way
because you know you're worth and then it's not healthy
(10:49):
for you.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Well, this connects to a little bit of you.
Speaker 1 (10:51):
You know, I've spoken to the dating coach on here,
and I've spoken to you, and I speak to my
therapist and my life coach. I'm like a fuck, I'm
like perfect now. Of course I'm just the perfect specimen
but emotionally hot low. But you talk about people doing
their own work before they come to you to meet someone,
because you don't want a broken toy to stick in
(11:12):
with somebody, the other person that you've hopefully talked to
that you're setting up that is coming in a full person.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
Like there's someone that you introduced me to.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
I won't say what or who, but they said they
had done this self evaluation, the self reflection about why
they had met someone in all this time or why,
and I just admire that as a concept, particularly in
a man. Okay particularly in a man, but one of
the concepts that has resonated with me that relates to
you saying that is like, if you feel like your
(11:42):
shit is fairly together, meaning we're all a mess, and
we're all a mess on certain days and we're hormonal,
and my friend yesterday said to me, I'm a fucking mess,
and I'm like, it's okay. Just take a deep breath,
go take a walk, and be fine tomorrow. Like barring normalcy,
you know what I mean? If you're like a together
person who's been doing the work and intentional and evolved
and willing to do work, then you come in contact
(12:04):
with someone who could be great. They have great potential,
but they're not actively willing to do the work. Like
you could meet someone that's fifty pounds overweight. You may
not be attracted to that. You may not think it's
healthy if you see that you're meeting them and they're
eating well, they've started a regimen, like that's all you
could hope for. You know, I was talking to someone
about longevity the other day and on and when I
(12:26):
was out to dinner with them, they were saying, you
should think about weights because of and they weren't preachy,
but because of muscle mass and because of bones and longevity.
And I texted them a couple of times showing them
I tried. I did handweights and I'm doing yoga, meaning like,
I'm not a person that's just gonna sit here and
smoke cigarettes and someone's gonna like talk about how it's
not good for my health and not make an attempt.
(12:47):
So my long winded thing about that is that if
someone isn't doing the work or has the intention to
do the steps to meet you where you're atting you're
in a good place, then you're gonna be on the
relay team with the person that you know you're carrying
dead weight.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
You're carrying dead weight and you're carrying it up a hill,
and it's the definition of insanity.
Speaker 4 (13:09):
You could only control your own actions.
Speaker 3 (13:12):
It's so much more peaceful when you could take control
of your own self and not be adding to the
drama of Uh. You know, it's like you're it. You're creating.
You're an enabler and you're creating it. If people will
change when they're ready to change, no one's going to
change if they're not ready to change.
Speaker 4 (13:29):
And sometimes I feel.
Speaker 3 (13:30):
That people make other people their projects because they don't
want to work, worry, or work on themselves, and so
they focus on everyone else's problems when it should be
focus on yourself.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
Yes, but I well that's kind of part of the
let them too, Like you can't control what someone else
is doing.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
You can only control what you're doing.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
But I think we create some childhood things too, Like
I remember with my father always trying to like get him,
get his attention, or get something from him, and like
you keep trying, and you do the same thing over
and you go lower. It sounds crazy, but there's a
celebrity the other night that I saw out that I've
seen two times and they were very rude, and it
shocked them that they were rude because they don't come
in a rude package and the world doesn't think that
(14:10):
they're rude, but they've been very rude. And the third
time they were rude again, And now I'm like fuck you,
like you in my mind, like fuck you because we
keep trying. And I feel like in relationships sometimes the
people that give us the least, we give them most
because you know, like you're trying to give them a,
p I've done this.
Speaker 4 (14:28):
Yeah, it's a challenge, or you're so offended.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
Yeah, yeah, you want to get them presents.
Speaker 1 (14:32):
You want to be good because one day you're gonna
get the reaction you want, and it's you go worse.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
Right, And it's almost better to rise above and to
realize that they're showing you who they are and you're
better without that person in your life, because what stakes
are you going to continue to try and try and
get nothing in return, and it's making you feel bad
about yourself, you go lower, right, versus surrounding yourself with
people that you are energy givers and that you know love,
(14:59):
you have your best interests and you don't have to
prove yourself. You could be yourself even flawed, even on
bad days where you're like, whoa, I'm like literally a
little bonkers today. That people accept you where you are,
love you anyways, versus the people that judge you want
you to be perfect and that you'll never be able
to please.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Right.
Speaker 4 (15:17):
Yeah, yeah, and our dads could have been friends.
Speaker 3 (15:19):
Unfortunately, it does go back to childhood and you wanting
that little girl that just wants to be nourished.
Speaker 4 (15:25):
And it also it's.
Speaker 3 (15:27):
Like the competitive part of probably both of us that
wants to just realize, like I could win this person over,
but you can't, And why show you that person doesn't
actually deserve your attention, your friendship, anything like that. If
that's how they're treating you, then it's their loss, is
how I always coach people.
Speaker 1 (15:46):
Yeah, I think that so many women really are putting
on a front of who they are and then the
(16:06):
person finds out later.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
I mean, I, well, there's two things. One.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
I think there's that because they want to get I
think women want to get the guy. They're like goal
oriented to get the guy. And I think this is
what happens with a dynamic that I've discussed on here
before where I've met several a shocking number of men
in their fifties that they have custody of their children,
(16:36):
like it's full custody and there and it all is
the same. And it's not just them saying, because their
friends are saying it too. They have somehow gone through
the midlife crisis, they've thrived, they're working out, they've gotten healthy,
and somehow the woman that they married who they married
because the woman wanted to get the guy, get the
guy who's gonna make money and do shopping and not
have to work, and the woman has no purpose. And
(16:58):
the woman becomes a mess because she's either doing drugs
or drinking or parting or a disaster, has mental issues
because she has no purpose. And I feel like I
see these young women with the get the guy mentality
to get the guy, get the ring, and that involves
a little bit of deception, meaning they have to act perfect.
They're in workout clothes every day, all the shit that
(17:18):
even at my age, thirty years older than them, I
don't even do. And I still can get the guy
just right being myself and being strong in my two feet.
And I just feel like women need to know this
stuff early.
Speaker 3 (17:30):
Well, that's what going back to our earlier conversation, what
frustrates me is it's our daughters. It's the new generation
that is looking to create a family that has to
learn that lesson, like don't get married just because your
friends are getting married, don't move along to the next
level because your parents are applying that pressure as society is.
You have to make sure that this is someone you
(17:52):
feel like is going to be the right partner. When
you're not at your best, when you're not perfect, that's
going to help you with the kids, all the things
that really matters, the foul nation. But what sets you
apart from others is because you're interested and interesting. And
that's why I always try to preach to the younger generation,
like have purpose, do things that make you happy, so
(18:13):
that when you do have kids and other things, you
can't just be a parent. You just can't be a
mom like there's eventually they also feel.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
Under it and it doesn't fill up. But listen, this
is gonna sound crazy. Everybody knows how many businesses I have,
my half a billion dollar almost philanthropic effort, like all
the things I do, traveling, my daughter, no nanny, the
whole thing. I still sometimes feel purposeless and bored, and
so I can't imagine. And I don't want to go
like shop as a verb, not that I need to
(18:42):
be as everything comes to my house because everyone sends
me all the shit I don't want anyway, But I'm
saying like I don't lunch as a verb. I don't
go shop as like a like let's go shopping as
an activity. And I don't like I'll work out for
forty minutes if that or walk if I am in
that mode, but like, this is why women are sitting
lunching for two hours, drinking wine, work out, trying to
drag it out, shop and buy shit, and the men
(19:03):
this is not what men want to talk about. Like
and I'm making a gender, but it is. I go
out to dinner and men are talking to me about politics,
about business, about the stock market, about crypto, Like you
got to have your game fairly tight, Like you can't
just sit there and be the woman who's sitting next
to the girls talking about the shopping. The guy's rolling
his eyes and he's talking to the men about the
(19:24):
super Bowl, Like you got to level.
Speaker 4 (19:26):
Up one hundred percent.
Speaker 3 (19:28):
And that's why I always say, make sure that you're
keeping in touch with current events and that you have
something to say, and that you know what's going on,
whether it's politics or pop culture or things that who
just got traded to what team?
Speaker 4 (19:40):
You have to know what's going on.
Speaker 3 (19:41):
You can't just talk about your kids because that people
don't want to talk about that the gyues do. They
want to know that you are well, that you're a
loving parent, and that there's things that are going to
come up with kids. But after that, then what you
have to be I would say interested and interesting, I
love and be playful. Have something to say, but not
just because you're telling you to have something to say,
(20:01):
but authentically geek out on something, whatever it is, Be
passionate about whatever.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
Words have it, take a position, and also debate and
talk and agree and disagree and have a conversation. Because
that's what men are missing. That is why I have
done so well in dating. Like I said, people, I
give all this advice and I am always shocked that
people are listening to it, and they're like, oh my god,
you're the mother the anthet sister I never had. And
I understand why they're listening because I have not been
(20:25):
successful ultimately at relationships because I a have either chosen
poorly or be because of my childhood, have not wanted
to ultimately sustain or commit. But I have never had
a problem interesting men, getting men to want to be
in a relationship, falling in love with me, asking me
to marry me. And I'm not saying this is a
conceited matter. I'm saying it as a fact. And this
(20:46):
is why I see it in their eyes because I
have something. I'm having a conversation and men want to
be heard. You often hear of the man leaving the
very attractive woman for the woman who works in his
office that you know is interested in him and maybe
they have something to talk about or someone's super smart.
This is not people focus too much on looks.
Speaker 4 (21:04):
Right. Men want to feel like the hero, not the zero.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
If someone makes them feel that they're already disappointing them
or they're critical or criticizing them, they're gonna say, I
don't need this aggravation. They want someone that makes them
feel lifted up and appreciated and adored and not that
they're all these things that they're doing wrong and all
these expectations. They don't want to feel like they're with
their mommy and that they're disappointing. So look, and it
(21:29):
goes both ways, right like, obviously we need to feel
heard and seen and someone that we can feel safe with.
Speaker 4 (21:33):
But we're talking about when men, it's beyond a pretty
girl that is just like God.
Speaker 3 (21:38):
They want someone takes care of themselves, but they really
need someone that's playful and fun and happy, and that
comes from within.
Speaker 4 (21:45):
You have to love yourself. You have to like yourself
like you have to be like playful.
Speaker 3 (21:49):
And and again. It's different for your dynamic with your girlfriends.
With a guy, it's like you want it. First of all,
you have to want that dynamic. You have to love men.
If you hate men, it's going to show up on
the dates that you feel like you're judging and careful
and angry.
Speaker 4 (22:04):
That will show up. You have to first love yourself.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
I love it.
Speaker 3 (22:07):
I know we could talk all day. Well, thank you
as always for having I love you.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
Thank you.
Speaker 4 (22:11):
We'll be talking so I love you so much
Host
Bethenny Frankel
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